Comparing: the Key to Unhappiness

My favorite unhappy face (in case you needed a visual)

Picture it: Third grade in a small Midwestern town. A little girl with glasses reaches her hand out to accept her spelling test. She is incredibly proud when she notices the 100% at the top of the page. Next to the grade is a smiley face sticker. She can’t wait to bring it home to show her parents. She leans over to tell her friend the good news. Before she can express her excitement, her friend shows her the 101% on her own paper. The first little girls smile fades and by the time she shows her test to her parents, her enthusiasm has faded away and she simply places the paper in the pile on the table.

Did the 101% grade of her classmate really change her 100% to something substandard? Of course not! The second student had somehow managed to do some extra credit. The 101% had absolutely nothing to do with the first girl’s grade. I suggest that the comparison is the root of the problem in this scenario. There are many pieces to the puzzle of unhappiness, but the key element is comparing. If you start comparing yourself with others, your joy will be stolen and all that remains is unhappiness and discontent.

Your weekend away at the local campground was exactly what you needed to feel rejuvenated and refreshed. That was until your co-worker told you about her upcoming cruise in the Bahamas. Her brochure showing bikini clad supermodels walking on white sandy beaches has you feeling like a pauper with your flip flops your hammock and the bonfire before bed. The 500 words you managed to write over the weekend felt like quite the accomplishment until your BFF posted to social media that she’s got 2,000 words per day under her belt.

There will always be someone faster, smarter, richer, more organized, thinner, taller, more successful, etc… The key is to compare less and enjoy more. If we go back to our original example, the little girl with the 100% should just take her test home and tell her parents the amazing news about her fabulous test score.

How do you stop yourself from comparing? Do you have an example of a time when comparing stole your joy and happiness? Please leave your comments and ideas here – we love to hear from readers and we can all learn from one another!

Hopefully just reading this article will help you the next time you want to compare yourself to someone else. Maybe you’ll stop and just bask in the happiness of the amazingness that is you!

Crystal is a church musician, babywearing mama (aka crunchy mama), business owner, active journaler, writer and blogger, Blog Tour Manager with WOW! Women on Writing, Publicist with Dream of Things Publishing, as well as a dairy farmer. She lives in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin with her husband, four young children (Carmen 9, Andre 8, Breccan 2, and Delphine 1), two dogs, two rabbits, four little piggies, a handful of cats and kittens, and over 230 Holsteins.


You can find Crystal riding unicorns, taking the ordinary and giving it a little extra (making it extraordinary), blogging and reviewing books, baby carriers, cloth diapers, and all sorts of other stuff at:http://bringonlemons.blogspot.com/ and http://muffin.wow-womenonwriting.com/

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5 comments compare, comparing, comparison, happiness, joy, unhappiness

Friday Speak Out!: Make a Journal of Joys

by Carolyn Boyette Lewis

Recently I’ve sorted through boxes I haven’t seen inside of for years. The rummage sale gave an opportunity to donate items we no longer need. In the sorting, I came across a spiral notebook with daily recaps of our 30th anniversary cruise. I put the notebook aside until we finished that day’s sorting; then, I sat and read the recaps.

It was a joy to relive our cruise experiences. I “saw” our beautifully-appointed suite and the balcony. I “saw” the houses on the tour in Port-of-Spain. I “saw” the open air markets near the pier where I bought that blue-green print skirt and top. I “saw” the beautiful azure waters of Caribbean ports. I “saw” the shop in St. John’s where I purchased lovely table linens we’ve used for years. What pleasure this hidden treasure gave to me all these years later! Such joy I received for investing five minutes a day to record highlights of the days.

Do you write recaps of your vacation days and your special times with family and friends? I encourage you to do so. Such recaps give much joy as you relive experiences in coming years. Your children will find joy in reading them too. You’ll find these recaps helpful when you write a simple biography for your family in years to come.

Here’s an exercise to get you started on your “journal of joys.”

1. Think of a recent experience you had with a family member or friend. Remember the details. What gave you joy in that event?
2. Write a paragraph or two about the event and the joy it gave you. (Don’t worry so much about editing--it is for your use and not for an editor.)
3. Put your recap into an envelope and write one or two words, like “Sam’s birthday,” to identify the experience. Tuck the envelope into a drawer, file, or bookshelf.
4. Write yourself a note on your calendar for 3-6 months in the future reminding you to open that envelope to reread the contents.

This exercise will give you a taste of the pleasure a journal of joys can give.

I encourage you to get a book for your “journal of joys.” It may be as simple as a spiral notebook like you used in high school or, if you like, you can buy a bound journal with blank pages to fill. The kind of book you choose is not as important as remembering to take five minutes or so to jot notes about special times so you can relive them through your journal in years to come. Keep your “journal of joys” in a place where it is easily accessible for writing your recaps—and remember to tuck it into your luggage for travels.

It’s never too late to record your joys in a journal and it’s never too soon to relive joys of the past.

* * *

Carolyn Boyette Lewis is a wife, mother, grandmother, and retired teacher whose love of writing bloomed in high school and continues today. She lives in a small town in southwestern New Mexico. Currently, she is working on a collection of poems.

Connect with Carolyn at sclew514@yahoo.com; https://www.facebook.com/carolyn.b.lewis.5; and Sclew's Views.
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Would you like to participate in Friday "Speak Out!"? Email your short posts (under 500 words) about women and writing to: marcia[at]wow-womenonwriting[dot]com for consideration. We look forward to hearing from you!

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6 comments Carolyn Boyette Lewis, Family, Friday Speak Out, journal, joy, vacations

Friday Speak Out!: The Joy of Writing, guest post by Katie Martin

The Joy of Writing
by Katie Martin

One day last week, I went to the mailbox and found four letters from various publications. I ended up with one "yes,"one "maybe," and two "no's."

The "yes" is a short story (non-fiction) that will be published in November. Both "no's" were no's, but they each contained comments on my work. I will study them and see if I can use them to improve my writing.

A "maybe" is a different story. It may be three months, six months or even years before I know whether the answer is yes or no. Still, I know I am on my way now. Each day brings new hope for my future as a writer.

Although I don't always understand the "no's," I realize they are a part of my writing. So, I try to accept them and go on.

 I am lucky because I have a cheering section. This group of people always knows what to say. They encourage me to continue writing. There are kind words when the rejections get overwhelming. Even more important, they listen to the same piece--time after time, day after day--as I attempt to fine tune it into a publishable article or manuscript. Maybe I should call this cheering section "my victims." Even though I talk humorously about this group of people, it is an important part of every writer's life.

My hope, like others, is always for a regular income from writing. It does seem like there is interest, and the money always comes in spurts.

 I had a friend who wrote for a living. She always spoke of how writing and its income came in spurts. Her children used to talk about her writing income. "When mommy gets rich," they would say, and then go on to talk about what they would do with the extra income.

One of my greatest problems is patience. Once I have finished a piece, I want an immediate response. Instead it may be months, or even longer, before I hear.

I have to remind myself how much I have always wanted to write. I go back and reread an earlier piece, and one I have written this week. It makes me realize how far I have come.

When all is said and done, I know this is what I want to do. I am writing for the pure joy of writing, and look forward to tomorrow.

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A day in Katie Martin's life begins with a vigiilant eye and an open mind, to the many stories that lay behind the daily events of people, places and things. A well published writer, with an appetite for life, Katie brings a warm glow to everyday things....making them extraordinary.

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Would you like to participate in Friday "Speak Out!"? Email your short posts (under 500 words) about women and writing to: marcia[at]wow-womenonwriting[dot]com for consideration. We look forward to hearing from you!
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3 comments Friday Speak Out, joy, Katie Martin, why I write

Authentic Happiness and Writing

This time of year, as we near the holiday season and consider what next year will bring, I'm reminded of what's important in my life: great family, loving friends, and days (and nights) filled with writing. For me, it's the best of everything I could hope for.

Yet, I know that writing is a solitary business. Some days, I write in order to pay for the necessities. And for a few minutes every day, I write for myself. This give and take of pen on paper makes me happy, and most importantly, the schedule best fits my needs and goals.

Writing is about striking a balance. So is having a positive attitude and outlook. Sure, there are days I'm stressed out trying to meet deadlines, researching a topic, understanding why an article was rejected, or stringing together words to form a beautiful sentence, but I'm positive that I'd rather have a hectic career schedule than wonder when my next assignment will come in.

That attitude stems from a fairly new science of psychology and psychotherapy known as positive psychology. First introduced at the University of Pennsylvania by Dr. Martin Seligman, positive psychology builds on what works instead of focusing on what does not work. Pretty simple concept, right? Check out the link and see what your emotional quotient measures and what makes you happy.

Sure, there are days when I struggle - I can't think of a decent introduction, the car won't start, or I only accomplish one item on my never-ending to-do list. Maintaining a positive attitude, especially about writing, keeps me grounded and that contentment spills over into other areas, too.

A few years ago, I shared one method I use to stay grounded and positive in an article on the WOW! website. By celebrating the small things that bring joy and contentment, I not only changed my attitude about my life, but I changed how and what I write.

How do you stay positive about your writing life?

by LuAnn Schindler. More of LuAnn's work appears on her website.

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2 comments happiness, journaling, joy, LuAnn Schindler, positive attitude, positive psychology, staying positive

Use Imagination and Trigger Emotions

Writers need to develop deep imagery. It doesn't matter if it's a real story or a fictional one; it's the authors' duty to induce reactions from the reader.

Use Imagination—Take a deep breath and read the following paragraph. See if your mind reacts to the stimulus.

It's a hot summer day. You pull a lemon from the fridge. You're holding it in your hand. Look at the outside; run your thumb over it's yellow waxy skin, notice the tiny green bits. Feel how cold it is in your hand. Raise it to your nose and smell it. Mmm. Press it gently and notice the weight of the lemon in the palm of your hand. Pick up a knife and cut it in half. Hear the juices, feel the little spray and notice the smell as it increases. Bite deeply into the lemon and allow the juice to swirl around in your mouth. Did your mouth react?

Trigger Emotion

Emotions are the single most powerful force of persuasion. Without emotion, words are dull, lifeless and lack action. Think of some words that cause an instant reaction. The most popular emotion that advertisers use is sex or sex appeal. The brain sees in images, therefore it's imperative that the storyteller writes in such a way that the brain can bring up the images to go with the words. If I say, "I'm on a horse." An instant image comes to mind.

Let's try another. You're lying on the beach, the sun is perfectly warm, you feel the heat, it's getting hotter, and a bead of sweat drips from around your eye, and you wipe it off. A soft breeze is caressing your skin; it helps to cool your body and evaporates some of the sweat. The sea gulls squawk somewhere in the distance and the smell of the ocean tickles your nose. The spray of the ocean leaves a light mist over your entire body. You feel deliciously tired, relaxed. Someone is walking toward you. His head is tilted a bit; he's tall, but not lanky. The wind sifts through his disheveled mass of light brown hair. His bluish gray eyes seek your soul. He has an earnest look on his face and you wonder what he's thinking about; you hope that whatever it is, you're there. The look implies deep thought, his expressive smile flashes at you and when he finally speaks, his British accent warms your heart.

As writers, we're taught to tighten our work and to cut adjectives and adverbs, but do we take it too far? We need to practice expressing.

Share one or two words that evoke deep feelings. They could represent fear, joy, love, hate, anger or any other emotion that evokes or provokes you.

Sources:

People Magazine http://www.people.com/

Lemons http://www.flickr.com/photos/baldmonk/

Man on the Beach http://www.flickr.com/photos/senthilvasan/

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2 comments emotions, evokes, feel, imagery, imagination, joy, lemons, love, man on beach, ocean, provoke, see, sexy, smell, spray, taste, writing description

Top 10 Joys of Writers

Previously, I shared a list of writers' top ten fears according to a survey noted in A Writer's Book of Days, by Judy Reeves. Those same writers were also asked about the joys of writing. Here is that list (with ties for some answers):

1. expressed many ways: the feeling of completeness, of being in sync with the universe, being present in the now, centered, peaceful, calm, being with myself

2. feeling that I entertained the reader, made people laugh, touched someone

3. the feeling of being creative, "in the groove," being an artist

3. telling a story, creating characters, plots

4. connecting with others

4. playing with words, using language

4. having an audience, having other people read or hear my writing

5. expressing myself, putting myself on paper, recording my thoughts

5. being with other writers

6. finding out about myself

6. producing something

7. being published

7. finishing, the feeling of having written

7. leaving a legacy, making a mark on the world

8. becoming a more discerning reader

9. finding out I'm good, that there is promise

10. the surprises, finding out what happens

I notice that many of the joys of writing have little to do with making money (although that's nice). Let the list remind you of all that writing can bring to your life. It definitely gave me a boost today.

--Marcia Peterson

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5 comments Being a Writer, joy, Marcia Peterson, motivation, psychology of writing

Loving the Sport

by Marcia Peterson

Actor Bradley Whitford (The West Wing) gave a commencement speech at the University Wisconsin a couple of years ago, which provides some good Monday morning motivation. The first of his basic principles for a successful life, is this:

"Fall in love with the process and the results will follow. You've got to want to act more than you want to be an actor. You've got to want to do whatever you want to do more than you want to be whatever you want to be, want to write more than you want to be a writer, want to heal more than you want to be a doctor, want to teach more than you want to be a teacher, want to serve more than you want to be a politician. Life is too challenging for external rewards to sustain us. The joy is in the journey."

As I thought about his message, I recalled hearing similar advice. In a San Francisco lecture a few years ago, bestselling author Anne Patchett said, "We need to start thinking of writing as an essential joy, not as a road that will lead us to something but a road that we take pleasure in for its own sake."

More high achievers, in various fields, say the same thing. Olympic athlete Jackie Joyner-Kersee once said, "'The medals don’t mean anything and the glory doesn't last. It's all about your happiness. The rewards are going to come, but my happiness is just loving the sport and having fun performing." The musician Sting, upon accepting an award, once stated, "Music is its own reward."

Writing is its own reward. Remember why you love to write, and enjoy doing your work today!

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1 comment joy, Marcia Peterson, the process, writing inspiration