Another Group of Questions - Starting with Group Therapy

I guess you could say that I challenged Kahless in the blog Triggers to come up with some more questions for me. And, thankfully, she stepped right up to the plate and sent me a bunch that should keep me blogging for a few posts anyway. I say that kind of tongue in cheek because this first question is easily a post all by itself.

Q: Differences / advantages between group and individual therapy – basically most people do individual, what’s to be had from group?

A: I'm not sure what the professionals would say about this question. I guess to start off it would be that there are situations where group therapy probably would not be appropriate. However, I'm not really sure what those might be. I can see why someone who has little trust might be a good candidate to start individual treatment solely for the purpose of trust building and then move into the group therapy situation or why someone might start in individual to be evaluated for placement in a group.

I think that more people participate in individual therapy because they are worried about what other people might think of them. Victims particularly are ashamed of themselves for some reason or another. The thought of sharing that information with another is terrifying, let alone sharing it with a group of people.

That reason right there is enough for me to think that group therapy is a really good thing. Group helps victims to realize that the world does not see them the way that they see themselves. It opens the door to the possibility that being a victim maybe isn't the victim's fault. I know we all know that in our head but we manage to hang onto this thought that somehow we are different. In the group environment we get the opportunity to see other's we can relate to. Then the difference in that gap between others and ourselves gradually diminishes.

I think the whole concept of group therapy is about having built in support for the issues one might be dealing with. Most victims feel alone and that they don't belong, participating in a group therapy situation gives them a vehicle to challenge those perceptions. I don't think a victim can belong to a group for any length of time and not begin to feel connected in some way. Group therapy is the first place in my life I remember ever feeling like I belonged.

I think part of the reason group works in this manner: it is much harder to discount acceptance by a group of people than it is by one. It is easy for a victim to discount support from a therapist by saying that's what I pay them for. But support from other survivors is not paid for in any way. It is volunteered and really doesn't come with strings attached.

Groups also can make it easier to identify what issues are. While individuals might not even know what they think or feel, being able to see other's reactions to similar abuses gives them a starting point of what to expect their own reactions might be even though buried deeply inside.

I've also seen that work by individual within a group can help identify another individuals issues also. Sometimes body language exhibited by one participant while another is sharing can be a good mirror into what goes on beneath the surface. Triggers also help in this regard. Sooner or later those participating in a group therapy situation find themselves beginning to feel even what has been stuffed down deeply and effectively for years.

I think another advantage of group therapy is being able to have several different people's reaction to our abuse. Many times victims tend to minimize what has happened to them, thinking it's not that bad or it didn't really cause them any problems.

However, in the group therapy setting usually other victims collectively will be appalled at what has happened to us, even when they may not be able to see the issues of their own abuse. That challenge to perspective is most helpful for victims to begin to see that maybe a reaction to what happened is appropriate. Then we can begin to see things differently and view situations as the abuse they really are.

An example of this would be the situation I've always remembered from my childhood that I thought was normal behavior. That was my mother tying and gagging small children as punishment. The gagging was done specifically to teach a child not to cry. Those in my group were ready to lynch my mother when the heard those stories. I had never even realized that this behavior was NOT normal, let alone that someone could go to jail for such behavior.

I was shocked at the reaction of people in my group. I even looked to the therapist to see if their reaction was appropriate. I had no clue that that was abuse. Let along that it was probably the cause of my beginning to dissociate.

I also think that group therapy helps with that lack of trust in the world that is seen is so many victims. Because of our past, we just expect the world is going to be against us.We tend to believe that no one can be trusted. The support of a group who start off to be strangers, sometimes from very different backgrounds, challenges that thought process.

Another dynamic of victimization is believing that we really don't have control in our lives. Hand in hand with that goes the belief that we don't have choices. Group settings are a good place to deal with those concepts and to problem solve possible solutions and choices.

I'm sure that there are many other advantages to group therapy that I have not thought of. Off the top of my head, these were the most obvious to me. I believe that without group therapy I probably would have spent a lot longer in therapy than I did. Even though the experience did not end well for me (see Lunch and a Movie), I still believe that it was an important part of my healing.

Part 2

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did group therapy

Another Look at My Depression - Part 3

At some level, I managed to stay focused on that light and finding my way to it. It wasn't strong enough to keep me from falling back into the darkness of the pit called depression but it was strong enough to keep me from staying there.

Sometimes I couldn't see the light at all. Some tiny little thing would happen in my life that pushed all of those old buttons and I would tumble back into that deep dark hole. The light would be totally out of sight but every now and then it would flicker within my mind with just enough light for me to pull myself gradually back out of the darkness.

At first anything at all connected with those "negative" feelings we all feel and fear, could turn out the light. It was a roller coaster ride plummeting out of control, only to catch myself before I hit the bottom of the pit and pulling myself back up to the brink again.

Sometimes I would play that Neil Diamond song, the tears would flow and I would be overcome by pain. The message in that song seemed to speak to me personally. Despite all the desperation and loneliness I felt, I heard maybe I had the right to be alive. That possibility would rekindle the hope and the light it represented and I could pick myself up and go on for a while more.

I feed on books, magazine articles and television shows that spoke about victims and their innocence. While in my head I was discounting everything I was hearing as not applying to me, somehow the message was still managing to get through. Maybe, just maybe these things applied to me too.

Finally I was so ready to be done with that darkness and that roller coaster ride, that despite my fear, I forced myself forward into totally uncharted territory. I began spilling my guts in therapy. Every secret I could remember, every thing that happened at home that I thought was normal but made me feel bad, I coughed that stuff up like the vomit it was.

Gradually, my self esteem grew to the point that I really did believe that I had a right to be free from the darkness and depression. I still had no idea what all that darkness represented but I was convinced I was up for the task. As determined as I was in my pursuit of the light and its source, I finally reached that point where I managed to keep myself from falling back to the depths of that hole at all.

This post, A Little More History covers how I got to that second stage of therapy which gave me the strength to get myself out of that hole for good. I might hit the rim now and then but never again would I allow myself the total submersion that I had experienced before that intervention.

To be continued...............

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression

Another Look at My Depression

Missing In Sight asked me in the comments on My Thoughts on Integration - Part 4 Have you ever been so down on yourself you wanted to end it? How long and how did it take you to end up so positive and healthy? That question makes me think it has been a while since I posted about my problems with depression.

Part of why I believe it is important to keep bringing the subject up is because of questions just like this one from Missing In Sight. For me the purpose of this blog is to let survivors know there is hope. It really is possible to heal and be a "normal" (*if there is such a thing) person. No one is going to get that message if all I share is where I am now. The true picture of how far I have come is in knowing the depths of the depression that controlled me.


That means I need to share my experiences from all sides of this life of mine. I have not always been this positive about myself or my life and some days, I slip like everyone else. In the posts Depression and More on Depression I spoke to the subject some. But looking back at those posts, I don't think they come anywhere near telling the whole story.

In the posts I have done about my abuse, I have only posted the tip of the iceberg. The abuse that I suffered at the hands of the cult is beyond any one's wildest imagination. Many survivors feel that way I'm sure, but according to professionals in the field, the records indicate that most do not experience the extent of abuse that was perpetuated upon me. I only say this because I want survivors to believe that when I say it is possible to heal from such pain, that I know what I am talking about.

The depths of my depression were directly relative to the depths of my victimization. The darkness in the pit I lived in, I would imagine, directly mirrored the blackness of hell, not an imagined hell, but the real thing. Devoid of all love, light, compassion and joy. Filled with self-loathing and hatred and ruled by despair and evil in its most depraved form.

I could not imagine safety anywhere for me in the world. There was absolutely no hope left anywhere within my system and I could no longer see hope anywhere outside of my system. I was finished with life. Not even thoughts of my family could alleviate my pain, I was convinced they were better off without me, I was only dragging them down with me. I had totally given up. Not just one part of me, my entire system was done.

I'm probably typical for a survivor of ritualistic abuse or satanism in that I wanted to be dead rather than to feel anymore pain. It was important to me that the way I killed myself didn't cause me anymore pain than I was already feeling. It was equally important that it not be something that could be botched and leave me alive but dealing with even more pain and heartache. I didn't want my children or anyone in my family to find me. I actually had a plan that covered these issues.

I'm not going to share my plan because I don't want to give anyone any ideas. Those of you who suffer with depression don't need any more options to end it all. You need help to learn to get free of this pain.

I was in therapy at the time. My therapist realised that something had changed and she cornered me. I didn't tell her anything until she asked me point blank if I had a plan. I did share my plan with a therapist. She actually lied to me and told me my death would be painful but I knew better.

Because I was not openly threatening suicide, they couldn't lock me up. But this therapist knew I was playing a game and not being truthful with the people who had that power. It was only a matter of time before I turned up dead. Between the fact I had a plan and I was getting no help at home, this therapist arranged for a crisis intervention for me. I don't remember the different codes they used to assess risk of suicide but I was at the top of that list.

In a matter of hours they called in my husband and sat him down with me and a group of professionals. My husband was in total denial that I was even depressed, let alone suicidal. They wouldn't let us out of that room until he accepted that there was a problem because they knew without his support, I was a dead woman.

I can't say that that intervention was a turning point for my husband. He still has denial big enough for the entire state of Washington. But it was a turning point for me. The fact that five strangers would give of their valuable time sitting in a room trying to save my life made a big impression on me, well, some parts of me anyway.

At some level, the message got through that my life just might be important. The timing of this was just about the same as that mentioned in the later parts of the post A Little History The combination was just enough of a lifeline for me to be able to hold on until I started my "real" therapy.

To be continued..........

Part 2

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression

My Thoughts on Integration - Part 2

Part 1

To do this we have not closed the door on any alter. We never thought to protect one part at the expense of another. We never made an active attempt to stop or start integration. We just worked our process.

We have held the door closed short term on an alter sometimes to have suitable help in place when that alter relinquished her/his secret but we have not denied anyone inside her/his voice. We have accepted the needs of each and every alter and tried to find a healthy way to fill those needs.

Our inner conflicts are only fleeting. Usually they are based in an unheard alter still carrying old messages. Our system holds strong against such messages but has learned to treat the holders of such with the dignity and respect that they have earned. Without them, we would not have survived.

Giving them that honor while still disagreeing with their message, actually helps those parts to see the truth. Healing is usually pretty swift for these parts because our inner sanctuary is united in acceptance and understanding, prepared for any and all secrets from our past. We do not judge ourselves under those old rules.

We still have parts who have endured heinous abuses and carry dark messages, programming and pain who have not told their truths. Those alters are usually content to keep their secrets in the name of protecting the entire system from further pain.

However, should triggering occur to cause any of those parts pain, we feel the need to bring them forth to relinquish their secrets. Also, should any part have information that might help another survivor, that too will be good reason to bring a part to the forefront. We are all in agreement to do so.

Our rule of thumb is no alter shall suffer for the sake of the others and no outside survivors will suffer if we can help. That means if suffering begins, the wounds will be dealt with regardless of the interim pain. We accept that all healing has its own time and we will deal with it.

Living under these terms has brought us to where we are today. We still have many, many rooms within our internal castle. But some of those rooms have been turned into suites. I can't think of any better way to describe what has occurred. The walls separating some parts are no longer there. It was not a conscious decision to end one phase and begin a new. It was just the result of the work, the co-operations that have become our system.

That doesn't mean that two parts have disappeared and a new one has been formed. No one died. No one's uniqueness or endearing characteristics or little quirks were lost. Just the wall separating two parts, protecting them from each other were finally gone because they were no longer necessary. Both parts are still present, together, forever joined. The good, the bad and everything in between with no walls to separate them are now housed in that one suite.

To be continued...........

Part 3

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration

My Thoughts on Integration

Keepers Korner has posted a piece on INTEGRATION and other multiples have commented on that post. For many multiples integration seems to be a word that incites some fear.

Whether that fear is based on feelings of powerlessness over our own process or worry about changes considered to be unfavorable or who knows what else, the fact is that many multiples find integration a threat. I think a big part of that fear has to do with the unknown.

As multiples we only know what our experience has been. To have someone outside of us, tell us what we can or cannot do feels just like being abuse all over again. So to have therapists say that you "must" integrate immediately sends up red flags and a world of resistance. And why not, it's certainly not something we can relate to. There is no real measure of what this means.

I probably have a little different take on this than others. I think that integration is not necessarily something that you do, I think it is something that happens. Maybe you can set it up to happen, but I think as the healing process progresses, it just happens on it's own. There is no fanfare, no sudden change that makes things different, just a wall that was once there is no longer. It has gradually melted away.

As a multiple who has chosen not to seek integration as my therapy goal, I also have chosen not to exclude integration from my process either. That may sound like double talk, but what it means is that I have chosen to heal without limitations. I have chosen to do what it takes for me to lead a healthy and productive life while doing what is best for all of me. Integration was not a thought or a goal, healing was.

As I go along in this life of mine, I work to resolve whatever issues may arise in a healthy manner. The ultimate goal I have is inner peace for my system. Each and every part is resolved to working towards that goal.

From the beginning in therapy, that was always our goal. We just wanted to be free. No more living our lives under the rules of others. No more beating ourselves up that we didn't deserve. No more denying who we really are and what we need. No more blaming ourselves for things that were not our fault.

Along this journey we have come to understand what we are. We have come to accept who we are. We have learned to identify what we need and take control of our lives. We have come to live what we dream.

To be continued...........

Part 2

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration

Setting Ourselves Up for Disappointment

One of the most important things I think I learned in the therapy process was about my expectations. I can't even tell you how this finally dawned on me, only that it did. But the discovery of how my expectations affected my happiness was certainly a big eye opener to me.

Not that there is anything wrong with expectations. Expectations are good as long as they are reasonable. But there in lies the problem. Like most victims of childhood abuse my expectations were based on my stunted psychological growth. While I thought I was mature emotionally and looked that way on the surface to many, underneath it all was a very needy child with the expectations that fit her development.

There's a chart that the professionals use showing the developmental stages of a child and the age that each stage most likely occurs. Many experts believe If the child gets those emotional needs satisfied on a regular basis, the child continues to progress on up the developmental scale. If the needs are not met, the child stays stuck in that stage floundering emotionally.

Of course, this is an over simplification and there can be bleed through across the stages just like other things. But looking back on myself, I can clearly see that in many ways I was emotionally stunted as this idea suggests. Big in that area were my expectations of the world.

It's probably easy for most victims to see that what they expect a family to be is far from the reality of what they have lived. But I wonder how many are aware that the expectation that our family will somehow live up to those expectations is unrealistic. There is lots of history that says what each family is capable of/

All of the literature and most survivor's stories speak to families staying stuck in their dysfunction. With only an occasional member here and there ever breaking free to a better and healthier life. So for a survivor to continue to hold onto the hope that a miracle will happen. their family will somehow come around and become healthy is unrealistic.. Expecting this only sets the survivor up for repeated disappointments and heartache.

Once I let go of those expectations, it was actually much easier to let go of my family of origin. I mean, what was the point? If they weren't going to be there for me, they weren't going to approve of me or my lifestyle and so one, what was the point of even dealing with them? None that I could see.

From there I was able to begin to see the other expectations I held that were unrealistic as well.The easiest aspect of this to see is perfection.

We've all heard that no body's perfect, yet many of us expect ourselves to be and those in our family, our co-workers, the mailman, the list goes on and on. Of course this expectation includes life and the holidays as well. No rocking of the boat in any form should happen, and if it does, it is somehow a personal assault instead of the more realistic view that "stuff happens." Such a view of life is bound to be filled with disappointments.

To be continued.............

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did expectations

The Games People Play

Being victims, we are all familiar with games. We have been trapped in our family games for so long they are second nature to us. We can get so caught up in them that we don't even realize that we are playing along. Taking our place, fulfilling our role, just as the game master intended.

Identifying those games and the role that we have played in them is not always easy. It's much easier to look outside our self and see the games that others play than to identify those that we participate in.

I think that's one of the ways that therapy works. There we have an observer who has no stake in the outcome of our family games to help identify the issues (or moves). Just as we may easily see other's games, the therapist can easily identify our behavior as part of a family's dynamic. It may not be in our best interest to be confronted about game playing so a therapist might avoid that. But by helping us to identify how we feel in a given situation and to see that maybe we have other choices than what we've been lead to believe can be most helpful in helping us to change such behavior and extricate ourselves from the family sickness.


In the comments on her post Out of my mind. on Kahless asked, RR ... The games are really hard to understand, "why?"

I think answer to that question lies in our closeness to the problem and in the fabric of our families. Each one of us is made from a little bit different cloth. The colors and textures are dictated by the specifics of our abuse and our family structure.

We have been raised with the idea that this is what family is about. The fabric that we see is an illusion of what they told us a family should be. It is only when we allow ourselves to see the threads that wove this cloth that we can see the lies and manipulations that have created the illusion.

As a person who really likes to get into my head and "understand" the whys and how's of things, it seemed like second nature for me to dissect my family cloth once I started therapy. I not only wanted to know the story of each and every thread, I wanted to understand why it was woven the way that it was. What the advantage was to them to spin it so? etc.

The end result was getting the roles within my family defined so clearly that I can spot their games a mile away. Before they even make their next move, I know what is coming.

I clearly understand that the family fabric is designed to present to the world as camouflage. How dense the fabric is directly speaks to the complexity of the secrets it hides. The number one rule of the game is at all costs the family offender is to be protected.

The most effective way to accomplish this is by attacking the victim. Keep the victim on the defensive so that she/he will expend all energy trying to be accepted within the family structure. An accomplishment that will never happen because that desperate need to belong is what keeps the victims focused on conforming.

Now, there are lots of variations on this. Each person has a different role to keep the focus off of the offender and onto other issues within the family. The family must still function within society so the entire family must assist in presenting the camouflage to the outside world. Each role is important in presenting a uniform fabric.

Should a family member quit participating in the family game, another member of the family will take over that person's role. Also, the other family members will do what they can to bring the wandering member back into the game. The only way the game can continue is by keeping the peace so the fabric is intact.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did games people play

More on Silencing Those Negative Messages Within

In her comment on the last post from Lynn from Spilling Ink in Public shares that despite working hard on changing her negative self talk, she cannot get the feeling side of her to accept that new information. I suspect that Lynn is not alone with this problem. Many of us, singletons and multiples alike, have mastered the fine art of getting into our heads to such a degree that there is little connection between what we think and how we feel, even though that is the way it is "supposed" to work.

The only way that changing negative self talk will work is, as Lynn has observed, being able to make the changes in the feeling part of ourselves. That is where the "fun" comes in.

I say "fun" in a tongue in check manner because those of us that have successfully separated our feelings from our thoughts will not think this is fun. Being in our heads most likely it will be seen silly or even unnecessary. But the fact is the only way that changing self talk will work is by accessing the child part of us. That means the child must be engaged. Without the participation of the child, there will be no headway.

So how can the child be engaged? That is where the "fun" must come in for the child. Just like any small children, our inner children can be taught to change how they see the world by "play therapy." Every one will be different in what their inner child sees as something "fun" to participate in so to engage the child, the adult brain is going to have to listen closely and not discount how the child would like to proceed in this "play."

For me, it was artwork. My inner children could be drawn out to participate in the exercises to change my inner self talk by decorating my "new rule book." At first they did not believe the new messages BUT they appreciated being able to decorate the pages in a way they saw would be good if the rules were real. It was a big start.

Working on coloring the pages of the new rules gave them a chance to try on the feeling of that new rule, even if it was only for a few minutes. "I am NOT bad!" brightly decorated with stickers, water colors, crayons, felt time pens and finger paints carried a strong message even though it didn't feel like it at the time.

I set aside a portion of time each day to work on this rule book. I listened to all the inner messages about what supplies were needed. AND, most importantly I kept my adult head out of the execution of the exercises.

That translates to I actually let myself enjoy working on the exercises. I even allowed myself to play during the scheduled times. Blowing bubbles during part of my page decorating became a big deal. Getting my husband to blow bubbles with me, became an even bigger deal. In the process, my inner children began to heal and accept that the negative self talk really didn't fit.

Now, some might think that this was necessary because I am a multiple. But I can assure you that I had several therapy friends who were not, that did these exercises too with equally good responses.

Did I feel silly working on this rule book? I really did at first and awkward also comes to mind. I also found that I felt a lot of fear about it. Challenging those old rules was really intimidating. The child part of me expected to be chastised for even daring to think opposite what we had been brainwashed into believing. Just the fact that we started the project and lightening didn't strike us dead was helpful in discarding the old messages.

It occurs to me the reason that this works is you must first treat the child better for the child to learn that she deserves better. If the thinking adult part cannot make time for the child, you can talk all you want about the negative self talk being bogus, your actions speak much louder than your words. You must truly accept the child and embrace those childlike qualities for the child to believe you can be trusted. Only if you can be trusted will the inner child even consider the possibility that you might be right about the negative self talk.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapy

Silencing Those Negative Messages Within

We all do it...........negative self-talk. Just some of us participate more than others, particularly victims. Victims tend to raise this behavior to the level of an art form, specially sculpted and designed for our own particular circumstances.

In More Thoughts on Therapists and Therapy the comments suggest that readers see the problem with labels and double standards. Even though it was expressed in different ways, it still comes down to the same thing. That would be our self talk.

Knowing that we abuse ourselves through our self talk is actually the first step in being able to make it better. We sure can't fix it if we don't even know it's a problem. So if you now the things that you say and do to yourself that beat you down, that's a good thing.

The next step, obviously, is changing that behavior. It's certainly easier said than done. And I think it's easier done with a therapist because you have someone to check in with, hash it over, get ideas etc. BUT it can be done without a therapist. Because the fix comes from within. And, hey, with the blogging community many of you have built, you have lots of sounding boards so why not take it on.

For me, Garbage Feelings was what I called my negative messages. To identify them, I started with a list of the strongest most obvious ones. Just writing them down helped me to recognize them faster when they popped into my head.

Once I recognized them, it was time to change those negative messages. Replace them with a positive one. Sounds easy enough. I can tell you I had lots of pretty loud debates going on in my head. I wanted to hang on to that old s*** like it was some kind of treasure.

Taking on new positive messages in the place of the old negative ones was not easy. I had to start off knowing that it was going to feel weird, unreal, insincere. But it was a start. Just allowing myself to think something contrary to all of those years, was an important step.

I had to do things to remind myself I was working on this project. Sometimes I would sit down and write out the new message over and over. I had little pieces of paper taped up everywhere (the fridge, the microwave, mirrors, doors etc) with my new positive messages on them. Sometimes I tore up those pieces of paper and every once in a while, I drew glorious pictures to illustrate them.

One step at a time, I confronted them. I made it my goal to not let a day go by without challenging those old voices. Sometimes I had to get on the phone and call friends to talk about those messages. Other times I got out my "new rule book" and read through the pages over and over.

.Sure I didn't believe it at first. And sometimes I took three steps backwards to only two steps forward. BUT I never quit. It gradually got easier and easier. I still have days every now and then that I find one of those messages trying to sneak back into my head. But they are no longer welcome friends, just reminders of a time better left behind.



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapy

More Thoughts on Therapists and Therapy

The whole subject of therapists and therapy can get pretty convoluted if you ask me. While I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page that therapy should be a healing thing, I'm think we all have different ideas about how that should be accomplished.

I also think we all have different ideas about what a therapist should do for us as well. Should a therapist be doing what we think or is there a set role they are supposed to play in healing. Personally I think the later is the case and that understanding that and what that role is can be helpful in finding the right therapist or making the choice to stay with a therapist we may already have.

So exactly what is a therapist's job? A therapist is not equipped to "fix" us although that's what most of us think. We are the only ones who can do that. All changes that lead to healing must come from within. Any outside fixes are nothing more than band aids from what I can tell.

I think the job of a therapist is to be a facilitator. Simply put to help us find our way through our feelings, to explore how they have affected us and to see if they really fit for us today.

Therapy is quite simply about changing our perceptions. While that can be simply stated it is not so simply done. Perceptions are pervasive and sneaky, if you ask me. I look back at my former view of myself and it now seems so foreign. There is no way anyone could make me wear that mantle again.

My perception of myself was so darn heavy, so destructive, so inhuman. Yet I bought it hook, line and sinker. I wore it with the same zeal and passion that I live my life today. My thoroughness nearly killed me in the process.

I had no idea when I first walked into therapy that what I was going to do there was to learn to look at myself differently. The therapist listened to what I had to say. She helped me explore those feelings to the fullest extent and she guided me to the source, my perceptions. Once there, she provided me with the tools to challenge my perceptions.

She never pushed her values or her perceptions upon me. She helped me to see that I was living my life by a double standard. There was one set of rules for others and a much harsher set of rules for me. She helped me to see that others had something to gain by keeping me knocked down under those harsh rules.

I don't remember her ever specifically saying I could or couldn't do something. I don't even remember her saying that anything that happened to me was particularly terrible. What I do remember is questions, lots of questions. Those questions helped me to find my way through the maze of my psyche.

So I started off in therapy believing that I was a horrible person and that I didn't deserve to be alive. I believed that if people could see who I was they would run from me in horror. So it was better to keep my distance to avoid rejection. I believed that I was fat and ugly, oh and stupid also comes to mind.

My therapist helped me to see that all of those labels I had learned from the offenders in my life. I had woven them into quite a garment that I wore always. Allowing my feelings to the surface and exploring them helped me to see the root of all those labels.
Seeing the offenders in a true light instead of the way they had insisted I see them, helped me to question the validity of their labels for me. I came out the other end believing that I am a good person and that I have a lot to offer the world. I did that with the help of a therapist who supported me with her questions. Questions that I thought were to help her understand when they were really questions to help me to understand.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapy

More Questions from Jumpinginpuddles

After yesterday's post, Questions from Jumpinginpuddles , Amelia from the jumpinginpuddles system asked more questions that are relevant to the discussion of issues with therapists.

I'm glad that Amelia felt comfortable enough with me to ask these questions. I hope that if she has more questions that she knows it's safe to ask.

It not only helps me to post about topics that could be useful to others, it helps me to understand better where she is coming from. It's obvious from her questions and the other comments that learning how to confront is intimidating.

Q: Is it the minorities who have the issues?
In other words say i or someone else didn't or couldn't relate to their therapist because of say hurt that had been inflicted in previous situations, is it something an alter has to work through with that therapist if it involves them or can they see someone else and deal with it?

A: I think that the most successful way to deal with issues with a therapist are with THAT therapist. (This is taking into account that the therapist is a good therapist. I would never suggest that issues try to be resolved with an abusive therapist. But that is not the case here, we are talking about a therapist who works very well with some alters within the system.)

While I understand that the very thought can be intimidating, there is lots to be gained by resolving this issue. I think if the plan was to go through another therapist, to really resolve the issue it would still come back to the original therapist.

For most issues we go to therapy. Talk about what hurt us. Then we figure out how we're going to deal with those people in the future, or if we're going to deal with them at all. We learn what we could have done differently and maybe what they should have done differently. Then we make decisions about how we're going to change in handling such situations.

Now that might be a pretty over-simplified explanation of therapy but it doesn't change the fact that to resolve issues, they need to be exposed to the light of day. The feelings need to be felt and if there is a relationship that is involved, some from of compromise needs to be attained.

Since these issues affect the therapeutic relationship of the system, sooner of later, it will need to be worked through with the therapist that is involved. Not doing so can and does affect the progress of the entire system.

Q: Not all alters are good at confrontations i certainly couldn't ever tell the systems T how hurt i am and wounded so i think what im asking is..... are you supposed to have to confront if it is your T that has hurt you?

A: I understood a while ago from posts on one of your blogs that there were alters in your system who were hurt by your therapist. I have been answering these questions based on that information. I also understand it appears to be hard for you to talk about the specifics. That tells me that it is all the more important for you to work these out.

While I understand that it might be too scary to just come out of the blue and confront your therapist, I think that there might be other ways to get the process started.

First off, I think it would be helpful for you to tell someone exactly why and how your feelings were hurt and you felt so wounded. Whether it is someone else inside or someone on the outside that you trust. Talking about the specifics at all, would be a good way to get started.

Then I wonder would it be possible for you to have someone else in the system be your spokesperson to get the dialog started with you therapist. There might be someone in there who would be willing to open the door for you.

Another thing to do would be to right down what happened and how you feel about it. Even if you couldn't say the words directly, being able to put them down on paper and give them (or have some else give them) to you therapist might be less intimidating.

Believe me when I tell you, I understand how frightening this whole subject of confrontation can be. I have been there and I still go there sometimes. But learning how to stand up for ourselves is such a huge part of healing, it just cannot be overlooked. It is a necessary part of the process. And nothing feels quite as powerful as having confronted someone who has intimidated us. Standing up to and facing our fear has rewards you can't even imagine.

It's OK to do it slowly, to practice and get more comfortable with the process before you have to directly face the therapist. You have lots of friends on the Internet who would gladly support and coach you along the way. It is a good start you are even talking about it here.

Also, I think it might be possible to just tell, or have someone else tell the therapist that there is a problem without going into the details. Instead ask for ideas of the best way to deal with it. Let her know what your fears are, how hard it is for you to even think about dealing with it and see what she thinks might be useful.

My guess is that your therapist will have some creative ideas of her own on how to deal with this. I believe that she will welcome the opportunity to work out any issues you or any others of your system might have with her. I know that you don't trust her because of what happened. But it's possible she will earn a lot of trust in how she handles this and you will get to she a different side of her than you have experienced to this point.

Q: And what happens if you just don't ever deal with it and let everyone else get their healing?

Believe it or not, all of you are really connected, even when you don't feel like you are. To not deal with this will affect the whole system. Have you ever heard the saying, "A chain is only as strong as the weakest link?" The weak link is the one that breaks if the load gets to heavy. That saying applies to multiples as well.

In the system of a multiple, healing cannot be applied to certain personalities and not affect the others in the system. And the opposite is also true, avoidance of healing will affect others across the system. It is a team effort. If the team has weak players, it's going to have problems. The stronger all the players get, the more successful the team will be.

When sam was on the lose, she was targeting the smaller, weaker ones within your system. She counted on parts of you being wounded so she could exploit that and cause problems for everyone. Just like any offender, she looked for signs of previous injury to capitalize and scare others into doing what she wanted. My guess is that sam even worked hard to convince others inside that your therapist couldn't and shouldn't be trusted. But nothing could be further from the truth.

Now you have a second in charge that is doing similar things. The best way to fight this is for all of you to join together and work to heal. Putting your fears aside and dealing with your issues with the therapist is the last thing that second in charge wants you to do because it is the best thing for your system.

I understand that you are frightened and that your feelings have really been hurt. But I firmly believe it is a misunderstanding. I believe that your therapist would never intentionally do you any harm. She wants you to be just as happy and healthy as the others are striving to be.



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Questions from an Alter of Another System

Questions were posed on one of the other "multiple" blogs that I read that I said I would answer here on my blog. These questions came from an newly surfacing alter and were addressed to me and others who had been commenting on posts from this particular alter. I would post a link however this is a private blog for the safety of the system. To honor that I will also not use the names of the alters involved.

This "new" alter has been suggesting that she has issues with another alter and that she is in a position to do something about that. I think those of us reading were concerned that there might be trouble. We were asking questions trying to clarify the situation. In answer to our questions another post was made today which included these questions to us commenters.

Q: " Why is this alter of such great concern to you all? "

A: For me, the answer was automatic. All the parts are important to me. Each one contributes to the system. While the significance of different alters may not be important or even known to some within the system, it can be very important to others. Protecting all of the alters is an important part of working towards a healthy, productive system.

Besides I think there is a dangerous message there. If parts are disposable, isn't that a devaluation of the whole. Victims of abuse have enough trouble feeling valuable without being so discounted by their own systems. How do you convince alters to co-operate in a healing process when they can see that others can be or have been disposed of? It doesn't sound like anything that would encourage trust to me. And trust within the system is the most important part in finding a way to healing.

Knowing of the darkness from which this system must heal, there is a long road ahead. I know about the pitfalls and the booby traps. It seems to me that this system will need all of the strength that it can muster to take on this challenge and to come out the other side.

I have seen evidence in this alter of strength. Maybe she's not prefect (but who among us are) and can not hold it together all of the time. But she has been willing to ask some difficult questions of me and my guess is of others. Even though she must have known what she was going to learn, she asked those questions anyway. To me that shows bravery and strength. She wants to know and she is looking for healing for her system. Can you system afford to lose any measure of such things?

Just because she does not have the power to do it on her own doesn't mean that she has no value. I know first hand the power comes from those in the system joining together and working as a team. I believe it would be a loss to this system not to have any alter in the fight against the darkness who has expressed the desire to confront the evil

In addition as a multiple who has lost parts, I can tell you that it has left me (my system) with holes. Missing those pieces have left me unable to connect to parts of my life. I may have the knowledge of certain times and events ok but without any of the emotional attachment that go with those memories, it feels more like something out of yesterday's news than anything to do with me.

Those emotional holes are my biggest regret in all of this crazy life of mine. If there was any way I could go back and save those parts, I absolutely would in a heartbeat.

I have been able to put my life back together and learn to live a happy and productive life. But there is nothing I can do to "feel" those feelings of my lost parts. I understand how a victim of amnesia must feel being told about a life they have no attachment to. The disconnect is unbelievable.

Q: "While she needs the attention and the help in dealing with those flashes, would it not make sense to also give some attention to the ones the flashes are coming from?"

A: I would say from my experience that it is an important part of healing for all to deal with the flashes. It definitely makes sense to give some attention to the ones that the flashes are coming from that is for sure. But the very fact that someone is sending flashes shows they have some kind of faith or bond with her that is important to be utilized.

Each system works differently, so I won't pretend to know what the roles are here. But I do know that working as a team and accepting each and every part is the way to healing. I don't know if the one receiving the flashes needs to work through the flashed first for the safety of the one sending them, but I do know it could be a possibility. There is a lot to be considered.

Obviously the one sending the flashes is in some distress. That needs to be addressed. Whether dealing with the distress means working through what the flashes mean or building those parts up so they can work through them, only those in your system can tell for sure. But it would be important to "feel" things and make informed decisions instead of just jumping in head first.

My guess is the flashes are being sent to this particular alter for a reason. I would think knowing what that reason is would be a good first step in finding out how to resolve this.

Q: If they can be worked through with the ones who actually experienced these things, the flashes would then end for her, would they not?

A: I think I've stated this above, but will say it again. For there to be healing throughout the system, the issues that go with these flashes will need to be worked out throughout the system.

Certainly there has been plenty of evidence of that here on the blogosphere with JIP lately. I know she won't mind me using her for an example. Each part within a system needs to come to a place of understanding and acceptance for there to be healing.

Note: That is the list of questions. If there are more questions, from readers or the alter who asked these questions, please ask. The discussion created can be helpful to other multiples as well.

And to the alter who asked these questions, I want to say thank you for giving us the chance to participate in this dialog.



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 4

Part 1

I think the most overwhelming evidence I have seen across the years about whether or not a multiple should be held accountable for their behavior or not comes down to the overall behavior of the multiple. Those that are not guilty are the ones screaming the loudest that they are. Those that are guilty are the ones protesting their innocence.

I don't know if that makes sense to someone who doesn't make a study of human behavior. For me learning all the subtle and not so subtle cues identifying the bad guys has been part of my healing process. I have come to find this measure is pretty darn reliable.

The things that I have learned about those "takers" are the same whether singleton or multiple. They are constantly grooming themselves and those around them to see things their way. Part of that grooming includes pointing the finger away from them and off in another direction. It, whatever it might be, is always someone else's fault.A lot of attention is devoted to portraying themselves as victims. To their way of seeing life, everything that goes wrong is beyond their control. That is why you'll see rapists and child molesters claiming it was consensual or that the victim asked for it. It's just another part of the way they groom themselves so they don't have to live with guilt. Why feel guilt when they have done nothing wrong, in their eyes anyway.

For the criminal justice system the complexity in that comes because an innocent person will usually protest their innocence. However, if you look closely at the guilty party claiming to be innocent there is a trail of behavior that speaks to their manipulations. That is why police officers need to be careful and not get to that cynical stage where they no longer believe in innocence. The only way an innocent person can be found amongst the guilty is by very close attention to the most minute of details.

But back to the signs that tell whether a person is truly a victim, the person who is a real victim is always taking credit for things beyond their control. You can count on the victim to be the one who feels guilty. Part of victim behavior is taking on the responsibility of the offender. The victim will hide away in shame. Convinced that somehow it must be her/his fault.

There have been criminal cases where a person with multiple personality disorder (or dissociative identity disorder) is prosecuted. The defense lawyers argue that the person shouldn't be held accountable because that would be punishing all the parts when only the bad part did the deed.

I have to say that makes me crazy! I don't mean it makes me certifiable because I'm not, I'm about as sane as anyone you'll meet. But it just torks me off because it makes all of us multiples look bad. We are not anymore crazy than any other section of the population. Many of us are just like me, you would never have know if I hadn't told you.

AND I have my opinions about those multiples using that defense. I think they are just like all the other crooks, killers and rapists etc in the world, just using their diagnosis as an excuse to NOT be responsible for their behavior.

I read a book about one of those cases and it really made me sick. With all of the talk about the different personalities and what they were like, I still saw offender plastered all over this guys behavior. The core personality was a weak whiner too frail to deal with his behavior. The others each had plenty of attitude that said they were not to blame. But there were no parts who felt shame or guilt. The entire system supported the behavior of an offender.

The same was true for the woman multiple who was in my support group so many years ago. Once the cobwebs got cleared and the offences were out in the open, the true behavior became easier and easier to see. The only time she felt guilt was to get sympathy that it really wasn't her fault. There was not a sincere ounce of guilt at all.

I hope this has been understandable because I think it's really important information. To heal, those who are victims need to put the responsibility where it belongs and take it off their own shoulders. And for offenders to heal, they must first be able to take responsibility for their actions with all the appropriate feelings and stages that requires. And frankly, that is why treating offenders is so difficult and rarely successful. They are master manipulators with no empathy, getting them to accept they have harmed another, let alone they damage that they have done is next to impossible.







multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did offender behavior personal responsibility

Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 3

Part 1

After reading my understanding of how satanism can cripple one's conscience, one might think that my position is that all multiples are not responsible for their actions. However, that is not the case. I believe that would be a very slippery slope, not to mention that such thinking would totally subvert the healing process.

Human nature is just not that black and white. The ways that it can be manipulated by others and from within have an influence over how each person is shaped. What separates the responsible from the not responsible is directly related to those details.

I do believe that there are some individuals who have been so traumatized and manipulated early in their lives that their systems are under the control of others and their "free will" has been compromised. Obviously, I believe that those individuals are not responsible for what they have done under the influences of mind control.

On the other hand, I also believe that multiples are like every other segment of the population. There are good ones and there are bad ones. I think it would be misguided to throw all multiples and/or all victims into the same category. Clearly there are victims who turn into offenders and there are victims who would never consider harming another the way that they have been harmed. Multiples as a subgroup of victims would have the same possibilities.The trick is figuring out which is which.

In simple terms it comes down to good and bad again or how about the givers and the takers. We have all experienced "takers" in our lives but we probably have not stopped to think about them collectively.But I think if you examine that group closely you will find a list of behaviors that are indicators of potential abusers.

The "takers" in life are manipulative. They are never responsible for their behavior unless it works for them. They are always victims, at least in their eyes. They supposedly have no control over anything that befalls them. They always have an angle. The list goes on and on.

I think just as there are clues to identify serial killers (the extreme end of the continuum of abuse) there are clues to tell us whether a person (any person, multiple or not) will be a "taker" in life.For me "takers" are those people who are out there "collecting" everything they can get from life and giving nothing back. But "takers" can be confusing, they can be out there with a smile on their face volunteering for this or that, when it's all a front to hide their secrets, so they can look like they are giving.


It was easy to look back at Ted Bundy killing animals as a child and see he was on the path to be a serial killer. That's pretty black and white - he killed and enjoyed it as a child. John Wayne Gacy, on the other hand. was a clown for children. He gave of himself to the community BUT his chosen whiteface always frightened children. The freaky sharp points on the corners of his mouth were a big "no no" in the clown world for just that reason. Yet Gacy chose his trademark whiteface to carry that feature, was that not a clue that something was amiss?

And, yes, those are serial killers but the examples make a point. Sometimes evil is obvious and sometimes it is not but it is no less evil. John Wayne Gacy certainly did as much damage as Ted Bundy so it's important to be able to see and hear the little things that might tell you that someone is a "taker."

So how did I get from are multiples responsible for their behavior to "takers?" Well, for me it comes down to this. I do think that some multiples should be responsible to the law for their behaviors. I think those multiples come from the category of the 'takers."

The "takers" already had their manipulative behaviors spread across their systems before they were ever split. While compartmentalization may have taken place, it was but another way to not be responsible for themselves. Even if they had never split off, those people would have done whatever they could to suck the life out of those around them. These people clearly made their choices in life before they ever split.

I guess the reason this is important to me comes from this. Back when I was in a therapy group for women survivors of sexual abuse, there were a couple of different women who came through that group who turned out to be offenders (one was a multiple). I remember lengthy discussions about victims acting out that made no sense to me.

If a victim fondled a child inappropriately, how could it so easily be chalked up to acting out? How could there be a victim with no offender? And yet that is what excusing a victim's behavior as acting out implied as far as I was concerned. I was a victim but I didn't ever resort to fondling a child. The thought absolutely never crossed my mind. And yet, here we sat in group with victims who were being told that their behavior was understandable, somehow normal. I vehemently disagreed.

Over time, it became clear that these woman were offenders. The agency I was going to had to admit they had been operating under the false assumption that women don't abuse children. Over the years that followed, there were major changes in the way they saw acting out and determined abuse but not without a lot of discussion on the subject and some unfortunate lessons learned.

I will never forget the multiple I met there. I was one of two people she disclosed the sexual abuse of her daughter to while we were on a weekend retreat. Once the secret was out in the open, there were so many things about her that finally made sense. From that experience I have no doubt that she was as culpable for her behavior as any singleton might be. She clearly made her multiplicity work for her in enabling her behavior.

To be continued...........

Part 4

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

My Multiple Voice

On my post, The Mother

arthist99 asked some questions about my "voice." She has been reading the blogs of others with MPD (or DID) and has noticed that I have what she calls the "most consistent 'voice' with some blogs having posts with different writing styles, signed by different alters, etc.

I have said before that I believe that there are probably as many different ways for MPD to manifest itself as there are survivors. MPD is the result of extreme abuse in early childhood. How a victim perceives the threat will directly reflect how that victim tries to protect herself/himself.

I see multiples as being just like artists. They have taken their creativity and used it to design their internal system. That system suits their individual needs. I think that is one of the reason that "imagery" as a form of healing works so well within the multiple system. The system is a complex form of imagery after all.

The complexity of my system was directly related to the craziness of my abuse. There are several posts with information about my system , More Stage Two of My "Real" Therapy

More Recent History & My Most Recent Creation

What's In a Name? and probably others that I have missed. All of these have glimpses of how my system works, what I perceived as threats and why I made the choices I did.


While other multiples will talk about their offenders knowing that the victim had different parts, I don't think that anyone ever suspected that was the case with me. My system was really set up to be undetected. It was a huge part of my defense. If someone could figure me out, I was lost. Even as a young adult I prided myself on not being able to be read. (Obviously, I had no idea how isolated that kept me from people)

While those who know me and read my blog may not be able to see the different parts of me, they are there. I notice the differences when someone else is posting. There are very subtle clues.

I am so fractured that I probably do a lot of switching although I'm usually not aware of it at the time. Only when I notice a behavior that is "unlike" me. do I know. I am highly co-conscious so my system experiences pretty much everything regardless of who is in control. However, if I feel threatened the safeguards do come into play and the walls will go up.

For those of you not familiar with the medical jargon, co-consciousness would probably best be described as a state of having more than one personality or alter experiencing real time together. There can be many who experience it or just a couple.

Some multiples begin to be aware of their other personalities as they experience little over laps as one alter leaves and another moves up front. Sometimes systems need to have parts that overlap and pass information like mine. Those instances would probably be considered a form of co-consciousness.

As healing takes place, the walls between personalities can come down causing more and more co-conscious time. Most professionals believe that total integration should be the goal of any productive therapy. That might be a reasonable goal with a half dozen personalities but I really can't see the point for me. Many other multiples see it the same as me while others hate being multiple and can't wait for integration. (my guess is the later have quite a struggle because integration can only come with total acceptance. Hating one's personalities is a far cry from acceptance.)

I have not lost time since the last time I was raped. I think I was twenty at the time. I was assaulted in a parking lot after my shift at work by a co-worker. I still had to work with the guy and I couldn't afford time off work, so I stuffed it away in some closet. I still don't remember the actual rape but clearly remember before and after. It's just more of that pain my system has chosen not to deal with.

As long as I can function in a manner that doesn't interfere with my life (the life of all my system) and doesn't cause problems for my family, I don't really see why I should conform to some professionals idea of what is best for me. No one has ever done a good job of deciding what I need except for me.

And those professionals who have a blanket idea of how to treat us, I think they haven't a clue. They don't know what it is like to be a multiple. Nor do they have a clue what they are asking us to do. The only one who can decide if it is worthwhile to totally integrate is the individual multiple.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did co-conscious coconscious

A Prayer Request for a Survivor - Please Read

I just followed at trail and found this post A Plea for Prayers asking for prayers for one of my cyberfriends, jumpinginpuddles.

I believe from her posts and her comments on this blog that JIP is a survivor of ritualistic abuse. She is dealing with a personality that is probably an enforcer but definitely a troublemaker. She has been having great difficulty trying to keep this part under control.

She and her therapist have requested a prayer circle during their therapy session tonight, 9 pm (Central Standard Time). They will be confronting this alter at that time. If this part is an enforcer, they are very wise in asking for such help.

As a victim of satanism I can tell you that the use of prayer in a situtation like this can be the difference between success and failure. Even if you don't believe in God or a higher power, please think positive thoughts for my friend, JIP. And for those of you who do, please set your clocks and pray your hearts out. She is going to need all the help she can get.

And please, read the post referenced above for more details about JIP and this situation.

Update: 5:21 PST With thimes changes etc, I found out that the first prayer circle was last night. However, they are requesting an additional prayer circle for healing tonight at 9 CST.

Dealing with Black Alters

Being a survivor of ritualistic abuse, there was just so much pain and horror. The stories just seemed to get more and more horrific. I was running a delicate balance within my system trying to keep the destructive personalities at bay while I worked through the issues that gave them power.

I've been asked by jumpinginpuddles on a comment on yesterday's post, More on Stage Two of My "Real" Therapy to describe how I kept my destructive alters under control.

First off, we had to come together in a united front. Putting aside individual differences was most important. The overall health of the entire system had to become more important than individual wants and needs. There was no way we could heal with a bunch of internal fighting.

My healthy personalities had the undivided co-operation of all of my internal victim children. Those wounded children believed what the healthy personalities taught them about therapy, the process and the healing.

They believed therapy was a safe place and they would not get hurt there. They believed that therapy was the way to heal from this horrible abuse and the people there would understand and support us no matter what secrets we held. They believed that the therapist and the people in the support group would be there for each and every one of us.

Those beliefs kept the system calm and quiet. No one ventured forward unless they were instructed to by my therapist personality. While a personality might trigger off of something externally, it only came to the forefront when directed by the internal therapist. Feelings were only dealt with when it was safe. Those things made it harder for the dark ones to reek havoc.

In addition the young alters would no longer listen to the enforcers nor would they talk to them. The only internal communication was positive and about the therapy and healing process. This meant that all internal self deprecating behavior was stopped. The rules of my new rule book were strictly adhered to. (See the posts on Garbage Feelings) That meant no calling ourselves ugly or stupid or any other negative things.

This co-operation took the power away from the enforcers within. Just like external offenders they needed the personalities divided, in pain and fighting amongst themselves so that they could take over the body. When the system was united, the enforcers were crippled.

Without inner turmoil, the enforcers had nothing to feed off of. Just like external victims who learn to use their personal power to take charge of their lives and heal, my internal victims took back their personal power and overcame the enforcers.

To convince the children that they were indeed safe, the problematic personalities were imprisoned in separate rooms but away from each other, within the system. Huge brick walls were built in front of the doors and even the smallest children participated in adding bricks onto those walls.

Also, pages were added to my new rule book telling the enforcers they were not welcome. The children did artwork on those pages and as many pages were added as children who needed them just like the other rules. Some of the children made themselves scary masks to wear against the dark ones. Others just told them to go away and whatever else came to their minds.

All of these things took the power away from the dark ones. And as long as our system operated within these boundaries, we were able to keep them at bay. Despite the tremendous programming by the cult to assure that I would self destruct before I ever told their secrets, I didn't have a single attempt on my life, no cutting, no self destruct.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression therapy

More Stage Two of My "Real" Therapy

My "Real" Therapy

While my therapist and her boss did believe me, I'm sure they had no idea what to think about the memories I was abreacting. As each week went by with yet another new disclosure, I'm pretty sure my therapist was getting overwhelmed by the massive brutality and sheer horror.

The intensity of the experiences didn't even slow me down. My healthy personalities had an agenda. They were on a mission to heal. They were determined not to be bogged down by denial or caught up in shame or guilt. While the personalities who held the memories were devastated and laden with shame and guilt, my healthy personalities immersed themselves in nurturing those inner wounded children.

There was very little internal conflict during this process. As each new child emerged with her story, she was encouraged to share, accepted and comforted by the healthy part of my system. Even though a personality from one week was not totally healed, by the next week's session a new memory and new personalities came forth.

My system was so fragmented that each memory seemed to have sometimes several personalities to deal with it. There was a personality that held all of the emotion and one that was totally in her head who knew all the details, kind of a historian. Then there might be a defender, a sexual creature or whatever other talent might be needed in a given situation.

The historian never had any direct contact with the outside world. She observed from a distance and had no emotion whatsoever. The child that held the feelings was also an internal child. Because emotion was considered a sign of weakness, she kept her feelings to herself. Internally she never shared her secret or her feelings either. It was the child that had the job to do externally who was out for the word to see but looking through her eyes was the feeling child and sometimes others. When a new incident occurred, the system moved on, added personalities as needed, while the child or children from the previous situation were sealed off, each in her separate room.

It might be that a historian would have several different personalities for which she passed information making sure that no child was ever without vital information needed to survive. Because of this no one on the outside ever saw us not know what had happened.

The only exception was when we weren't supposed to know. That meant when I was at home, I knew nothing about the cult activity or ritualistic abuse. When at the cult, I remembered little if anything of home. Historians were replaced as their loads became too big to bear and a new personality took her place and the old one was walled off in a separate wing exclusive to historians. That way information was easily accessible. After all in my chaotic world, I never knew when information from one of the earlier historians would be required.

This may all sound pretty complicated. It sure was figuring it all out. The violence directed at me was so intense such splintering had been the only way my psyche could survive. The end result was upwards of 400 personalities and that is really the place where we quit counting. It does not reflect the true number of fragmented children I have tucked away.

With each new child that came forward with her memories, the healthy part of our system became stronger and stronger. Each child held a piece of the puzzle of my self loathing. As the children told their stories, my system accepted them knowing that the adults were the responsible parties. With that growing acceptance the self loathing got less and less. Sometimes I think the therapist was just along for the ride, my system was so intent of healing.

But even at that, the therapist was helpful when we needed balance and order. She helped us put our feet back on the ground and see there was more to our life than therapy. She also helped us to sort through the behavior of many of the offenders in our past. Their behavior was so unbelievable, we required some understanding. Because my therapist also treated offenders, she had insights into their manipulations and their motivations that were most helpful.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
therapy

More on My "Real" Therapy - Stage Two

My "Real" Therapy Phase One

By the time I began my second phase of the "real" therapy, my system was familiar with our therapy process. I knew that my depression was about secrets and that I would never be free of the depression until the secrets were told.

The way to find those secrets was by asking questions of myself. All I needed was the right set of questions to get to the bottom of my self-loathing. I even had a plan about finding the questions. I just paid attention to my reaction to things. When I saw a reaction that didn't fit how "normal" people might respond, then I began searching for the reason I was responding differently. It didn't take long and I began to find answers to my questions. The answers usually led to secrets.

When I began this second phase, I still had not been diagnosed as a multiple. It was a ways into this second stage before the therapists began to suspect that I might have MPD.

I, on the other hand, had already figured out that I was a multiple. Once I read When Rabbit Howls by The Troops for Trudi Chase, I was pretty sure the diagnosis was correct. I tried to tell my therapist but she discounted the voices in my head as everyone having internal discussions with themselves. I didn't seem to be able to get her to understand the complexity of the discussions so I just gave up trying.

The fact that I didn't have a correct diagnosis was not interfering with my therapy. So I decided not to push the issue. I couldn't see the point of spending valuable therapy time insisting I was something my therapist was not ready to believe.

Most of my work in this second phase was abreactive. Many times, I would do a painting at home that I would bring in with me for my session. The "person" who did the painting didn't know the story behind it. She just painted what she was told to paint. Once the therapist was shown the piece, then the child who had experienced what was portrayed in the work came forward and relived the experience.

Sometimes I came into therapy with just a phrase running around in my head. But it wasn't until I explored the meaning of the words with my therapist that the child who held the secret came forward. I never knew what to expect from these sessions where I started off with just a phrase. The very first session of the second phase of my real therapy that phrase was "bodies in the woods."

Along with the phrase haunting me, I was experiencing feelings of fear and desperation. That was all I knew when I came into therapy that day. The phrase had been haunting me for a few days but all the questions in the world wouldn't bring it forward until I was safely in the therapists office.

When I think back on that day, my therapist could have easily decided that I was a fruit loop and had me locked up. But she didn't. Instead she responded to me with compassion and understanding. By the end of the session I was pretty sure that I had found bodies of children in the woods near my house when I was a child. And more surprisingly, my therapist believed me.

That was the beginning of our journey into my ritualistic abuse as a child. It started off with those bodies in the woods. From there it went to child pornography in which I had been a participant. I think it was many weeks before the role of satanism in this abuse disclosed itself.

Neither my therapist nor I knew but it was a phenomenon sweeping the country. Therapist all across the United States were finding themselves treating victims of sexual abuse who then began to disclose tales of witchcraft and devil worship perpetuated on young children. Many of those therapists didn't believe their clients. I was one of the lucky ones.

More on Stage Two

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression therapy

My "Real" Therapy

I don't want to give the impression that I think therapy is bogus even though I used the word in talking about my first therapy in yesterday's post, Therapy - Bogus or Productive I really have no idea if the therapy that went on in that place was productive for other people or not. I just know it wasn't productive for me. And I think after that experience, any time a person is in therapy and they end up feeling somehow like they're the one that's wrong all the time. that's a good sign to move on and find a different therapist.

My "real" therapy began with the second place I went for therapy. The agency specialized in treating both victims and offenders of sexual abuse and had group sessions for victims of childhood sexual abuse. I didn't know they treated offenders when I started. That may have been enough to scare me away. But by the time I did learn they treated offenders, I was firmly on a path of healing and nothing could have drug me away from it.

I would describe this part of my journey as having two different phases. During the first phase I dealt with the sexual abuse by my older brother that started when I was ten or eleven. The second phase was dealing with the issues that caused me to split off into multiple personalities.

This first phase was a whirlwind for me. It took place over about six months. I had none of the usual denial about the sexual abuse happening. By the time I arrived to start therapy, I knew it had happened and it didn't take long before I knew it was not my fault.

This brief journey gave me a chance to learn about how a productive therapy process should work. I understood that the secret, whatever it might be, needed to be exposed. Without sharing the secret, the feelings surrounding it could not change.

Then there was denial. I learned that denial, too, was a part of the process, just like in the stages of grief. It was there to protect us from being overwhelmed but it could be abused. I saw people who totally used their denial to avoid dealing with there feelings. I was determined not to let myself fall into that. I learned confronting one's own denial can be helpful to the healing process.

I learned about co-dependency and alcoholic family systems. I also learned how a healthy family system should function. I learned that I wasn't responsible for other's feelings and that I was only responsible for my behavior. I even got a good sense of how and why that could be true as I began to understand that sometimes feelings don't really match what's going on.

I also began to see why I had been attracted to men who had been prone to violence. The warning signs I'd seen early in the relationships yet I had totally ignored them. Keeping to the family rules, I had brushed them aside as nothing when in fact they were the clues that could have protected me from my terrible mistakes with men. I learned I should have been listening to my gut.

I began to understand victim behavior and how it related to me. With that understanding came the first acceptance of myself as a human being. While this was only the first layer of the onion that was to be my past, I peeled it away thoroughly and resolved every issue. By doing so my system gained the advantage of having some very healthy personalities to assist with the deeper darker layers.

Part 2

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression therapy