True Refuge...

This magnificent refuge is inside you.
Enter…
Shatter the darkness that shrouds the doorway…
Be bold.  Be humble.
Put away the incense and forget
the incantations they taught you.
Ask no permission from the authorities.
Close your eyes and follow your breath
to the still place that leads to
the invisible path
that leads you home.

St. Teresa of Avila

She was an Anchorite
living in a *sealed* room
inside a medieval cathedral.
In a sense locked away...
Thus the strength of her words.
Usually there was only a small
window in the opening of the
sealed wall with which to
converse with visitors and
monks...

~

True
refuge
is
embedded
in
our
own
Being

When we sense the
silent,
inner wakefulness
that is here,
we
come
home

to

a

boundless
sanctuary

Tara Brach
From: True Refuge

Existence Unfolding...

“…Existence is just unfolding out of Itself

 spontaneously, naturally, unplanned.

Similarly, your true life unfolds in the same way…
start enjoying the cosmic play…”

Mooji

“And I, infinitesimal being,
drunk with the great starry void,
image of mystery,
felt myself a pure part of the abyss.
I wheeled with the stars.
My heart broke loose on the wind…”

Pablo Neruda

“…the timeless dimension of our Being
is awaiting realization.”

Tara Brach

Photo: Windows Into Infinity Mandala
Rotated and Zoom Blurred

Art Speaks "The Mystery"...

Art speaks in a language I cannot express, from a wordless place, through imagery and symbolism – whether abstract or the precision of a mandala - allowing entry into the Mystery of Being that we all are…  

Lately I have been running out of things to say (except now of course) :).  So I have been allowing the mandala art and photography to speak, and even that has gone silent for the moment. Sometimes I may feel inspired to add a few lines of words, whether mine or others, :) and at times add a few lines of explanation, or clarify something in a comment, as we all see art differently, assign different meanings, different interpretations, or significance, based on our conditioning, our unique view of Reality, and our level of awareness of the “the Mystery” within.    

Some have the “just here”, “just now”, “just this”, grounded view of life – for me, limiting the view to our humanity - projecting that onto the greater Reality.  But that is my interpretation – or possibly mis-interpretation.   Words like “cosmic” or “mystic” or “mystery” may seem “otherworldly” to some – and they may feel a need to ground the mystics in “reality.”  But whose reality?   Are we forgetting that earth is only part of a larger cosmos, a grand infinity; a tiny speck whirling in space, not the ground of Beingness ItSelf?  Have we become grounded in our perceived solidity and forgotten how impermanent it all is?

Reality (capital R), like art, is always as we see it, not as it really is.  Others, like me, are more cosmic in nature, oriented toward seeing “the Mystery” of Life, in and as everything; the spacious aliveness of living Being animating everything – projecting a cosmic view of “spirituality.”  Both views are true – the Eternal Mystery of Being *is* “just this”, “just now”, already here.  But I do not write to persuade, correct, or convince.   I write to clarify the View for myself.  We do not need to convince each other of our point of view, either directly or indirectly. We can leave that to the spiritual teachers, gurus and sages of old.  Reality is what it is, no matter what we *believe* about it, or what we project into it.  And the “point” of the “spiritual journey” (if there is only one point) is to let go of our “beliefs”, our personal point of view, and realize the essence of Reality for ourselves (or so I’ve been told), in whatever way IT reveals ItSelf to us, through whatever means.  For some through mediation, prayer, and a contemplative lifestyle; for others through time in nature; through art, creativity, writing poetry, music, or through spiritual teachings; ultimately, through listening to the “Spirit” of Life ItSelf – for the “Spirit” of Life within speaks to us in a language that is beyond words, much like art, a language that speaks to the Heart, a language that we can hear and receive, if we are open to it.

Whatever our personal mental understanding of “the Mystery” is, IT is still a wordless mystery, and IT speaks to each one of us differently. For we are all different wrinkles in time, unfolding uniquely in the cosmic fabric of Reality. 

Namaste…

~*~

Speaking of View :)

The pictures below were taken as I was lying on the couch
 for a few moments of needed rest last week.
My awareness was captured by the simplicity
of Life living ItSelf outside my window…

The images speak to me of the Stillness of just Being
which is probably what I needed :)…

Enjoy the View however It speaks to you…

“The timeless dimension of our being is awaiting realization.”
   Tara Brach – True Refuge

“Everything you see has its roots in the unseen world.
The forms may change,
yet the essence remains the same.”

Rumi

“…what is really true?
Is there something behind the appearances,
something boundless
and infinitely spacious,
in which the dance of change
and impermanence
take place?”

Sogyal Rinpoche

“The real world is beyond our thoughts and ideas.
We see it through a net of pleasure and pain,
right and wrong, inner and outer.
To see the universe as it is
you must step beyond the net.”

Nisargadatta

“Don’t expect anyone to understand your journey,
especially if they haven’t walked your path.”

Author Unknown

~

Photo: Cosmic Meditating Monks Mandala
Zoom Blurred

Not Settling...

My mind wants to tell me that ‘just sitting’
 – sitting meditation - is not enough.

  But my Heart knows that ‘just sitting’
 is exquisitely enough…

 It is communion with the Infinite Beingness of all life.

It is the “medicine” for every ailment…

It is the Light that brings awareness
to all hidden places…

It is the Spaciousness from which all knowing
and all needed action arises
with clarity…

Heart says:

Spend as much time as possible
’just sitting’
in the depths of Silence
communing
with the Tao of life -
the inner movement of Beingness -
experiencing the embrace
and intelligence
of what lives us;
not resigned to
”just being human…”
not settling…

Being aware
of Humanness and Infiniteness -
as One Rhythm…
The Infinite manifest in the finite

The Truth of Existence…

Humanness infused with
such Suchness
that we are enlivened with a Life
much vaster
than “just” our humanness…

Can we embrace
that
Life
as
who
we
are

The
Pure
Conscious
Awareness

that
breathes
us
into
existence
as
ItSelf.

Do we want to remember
who we are, what we are,
beyond
disturbances of the mind,
our insecurities,
our thoughts,
our feelings,
our beliefs,
and
impairments
of whatever kind…

Can we allow ourselves
to see/sense/know

The Infinite Presence
that
we
really

are
behind
these eyes,
this persona,
and
that which animates
this
body

That Heart of Being that we have longed for all our lives…

and not settle…

Can we quit pretending
that “we’re only human”
that we can’t know,
and take off the shadowy masks
that blind us
and see
the
pure

Light
of
Being
that
is
Here

You don’t have to wait lifetimes…
It’s right here, right now -
everywhere…

Just be still
and look…

Open the inner eyes of the Heart
and
see
with
the Heart

It has always been here…

Feel it.
Experience it.

Don’t settle…

Mystic Meandering
August 3, 1012

Art: Infinite Light

“We have been raised to fear…our deepest cravings [longings/passion].
And the fear of our deepest cravings [longings/passion] keeps them suspect,
keeps us docile and loyal and obedient,
and leads us to settle…”

Audre Lourde

From Finding True Refuge Blog
Tara Brach

Goosey Goslings ~ ~ ~

Feeling a little lack-luster this week, I decided to cross the bridge today at a local park to see if the gardens were in bloom, only to find this lovely surprise - no flourishing gardens – but Canadian Geese and their goslings!  

Truly, we live with mysteries
 too marvelous to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the
mouths of lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
in allegiance with gravity
while we ourselves dream of rising.

How people come
from delight
or the scars of damage,
to the comfort of
a poem…

Let me keep my distance,
always,
from those who
think they have the answers.

Let me keep company,
always,
with those who say -
”Look”
and laugh in astonishment,
and bow…

Mary Oliver
from Evidence

When we are free of mental concepts
and our senses are awake,
the sounds, smells, images,
and vibrations we experience
connect us with all life…

It is not my aliveness
but simply
life…
unfolding and intense,
mysterious and beautiful.

By meeting the changing dance
with radical acceptance

we discover our intrinsic
belonging
to the whole…

Tara Brach
from: The Buddha Is Still Teaching
by Jack Kornfield

Tea with Ang Ziety

Maybe you know Ang Ziety? She hangs out a lot with me. She’s like an undercurrent hum of an electrical buzz – the neurons on overload and over-stimulation, misfiring, creating havoc in this body… She’s been with me all my life actually, you’d think we’d be in better relationship by now. But, she’s unpredictable and neurotic so I never know what to expect. And I tend to try to keep a lid on her, relegating her to the underground so she won’t spiral out of control. But she refuses to stay there, which actually is a good thing.

I have had tea with her many times before, befriending her. I danced with her in the shower, and met her in “The Cave.” I have used a variety of techniques to address her throughout the years: Byron Katie –Loving What Is - the 4 questions work (read it 3 times); Tara Brach’s wonderful book – Radical Acceptance; Pema Chodron – The Places That Scare You; Richard Moss – The Mandala of Being – love this book; Debbie Ford – The Dark Side of the Light Chasers is a particularly good book for understanding and working with shadow aspects. And then there’s always the “inner child work” books, and so forth. And, I’ve had lots of “therapy.” :) I know there is much debate out there on the efficacy of “the psychological approach” for what ails mankind – I found it helpful. All the teachings, techniques and therapies seemed to help when I was working with them – easing the angst of anxiety for a while, but never really “curing” it. What I mean by “cure” is a deep abiding shift in perception and a re-identification with our authentic Being. Anxiety, despite all my insights and practices has not significantly shifted. The anxious mind still wreaks havoc like a child with ADHD, constantly needing re-direction and re-focus. So there must be something deeper that needs to be addressed.

Over the years I have developed my own ways of addressing her. I do not presume to tell anyone how to work with their demons. We each have to find our own way. I am just sharing my experience here. When I’m not frightened by my little gremlins of fear, I see them as little orphans who just want to be acknowledged, embraced, fed and loved. Their underlying issues have been disowned, roaming out on the streets, homeless. They need to be brought home to the Womb of the Heart again. So I welcome them by recognizing their presence, dialoging with them in my journal, holding an energetic space for them to be here, and introduce them to the Heart of Being once again.

Anyway, Ang and I sat last Wednesday.

Initially I ask a few general questions like: What is the truth of this anxiety? What is needed here? Or, more specifically - what does Anxiety want/need – sometimes giving her a name. I mindfully ask questions until the “right” one resonates from within. And then I sit, waiting for the “answer” from within. It became clear that the “answer” this time was that she needed a sense of security and stability. I could not offer her those biscuits at the moment. Life just isn’t that way right now.

In sitting with Ang, acknowledging her fear, feeling her in my body, moving with her, the image of a hyper child, or a hyper puppy, experiencing separation anxiety emerged. Over the years I have discovered that Ang needs lots and lots of reassurance to *not* feel separate, abandoned, or threatened by life’s changes. She needs to learn to trust that she is in fact not separate from Source at all, and that she will be supported by That… Convincing her is not easy however. Life is pretty groundless at the moment.

Each time I sit with Ang and look into anxiety I discover the same root cause of Ang’s angst: a deep sense of separateness from that which I *know* myself to be – the True Self – Being – pure Awareness. Ang somehow feels “disconnected” from this felt sense of the deep Stillness of the Inner Being – our True Nature - and can’t seem to find her way back Home. She is like a frightened child that, once separated from the womb, did not develop a sense of security, stability and trust in her inner Knowing Awareness. It also became quite clear that “I” had identified with Ang, with anxiety. “I” became her. “I” bought into the identity of being an anxious, separate person, developing a kind of attachment to anxiety. And when “I” *believes* her thought streams “I” feels separate. I can’t explain it, it just happens this way – despite *knowing* that we are never separate from Source. Separation is evidently a very deeply engrained neural pattern in mankind.

Tara Brach says something to the effect that it is harder for people who have experienced serious trauma early in life to trust their inner Being, to trust that “The Beloved”, is there for them. That is - seeing “The Beloved” inside themselves - *as* themselves – knowing That is who they are, and trusting That. I understand this…

I end by asking: How does Being want to relate to this anxiety? The answer is always – with compassion, gentleness and love – not trying to get rid of her, or make her behave, but seeing what the deeper need is and addressing that – the wound of separation. And evidently what Ang needs is some experiential re-programming from within. Ah-ha!

Ultimately, what I understand over and over again is that it all comes down to – “entrainment” – entrainment with Being. By that I mean experiencing a *felt sense* of Inner Beingness – beyond training the mind in methods and techniques – an actual, felt experience of the Stillness of Being that we are. This comes through a willingness to sit with That which we are – our Beingness/Source – until we are fully established in That; re-identifying *as* That which we are. The only way I have found to do that is to actually get a felt sense experience of what “That” feels like. So the more I relax into Being, meditate on what this BEingness that I am feels like - becoming aware of the Spaciousness of pure Awareness - the more I entrain *experientially* with that which “I” is – eventually *re-cognizing* a seamless intimacy with That.

So Ang and ”I” meet in “the chair”, at the Pool of Awareness, bask in the beautiful Stillness beyond stillness, and relax into Beingness. It is the true Elixer for what ails the wound of separation…

~*~


Meditating is not the only way to experience our True Nature – Being.
There are many ways to relax into this Space.
Massage, Music, Nature, Contemplative Dance,
Contemplative Art and Photography…
Qi Gong, Tai Chi,
Energy work – given and received,
Mindfulness in daily living,
awareness of what in us is Awake and Aware – Being.

The Gift

Today is/was Buddha’s Birthday. I was going to spend it quietly, contemplatively, meditating, connecting with the Buddha within… Life had other plans. Instead I found myself unexpectedly in the waiting room of an eye doctor’s office waiting for my mother who was being examined for upcoming cataract surgery. Actually all of life it seems is about waiting at the moment, or is that waiting in the moment.

When I entered the waiting room this morning my mother had already arrived and was in with the doctor, having driven herself from the next town over. I noticed a very elderly woman seated in a lone chair up against a wall with a wheel chair next to her. Just as I took my seat she was trying to communicate in a very weak little voice with the receptionist behind a very high-walled counter. This little old lady was concerned because no one had come to pick her up yet. She somehow knew that someone should have been there by now. She knew she had been waiting too long. The sight of her sitting there all alone with no one there for her nearly brought me to tears. I felt my heart crack open – unexpectedly. Am thinking - Oh please, not NOW – not in the middle of the waiting room. Don’t crack open now! That would be too embarrassing – as the tears began to form.

Her doctor’s visit was evidently over and she had been waiting for what I assumed was her family to come and get her. I thought how odd that a family member hadn’t stayed with her. They had just left her to fend for herself. She wanted to know if the receptionist had called her family. The receptionist tried to explain over the counter top that she had called someone “a while ago”, but the wisp of a woman in the chair could not hear her. She wanted to know if the receptionist had called Jerry or Stacy. The receptionist responded dismissively with – “I called the number you gave me.” So I intervened. I don’t know why. It just felt like the thing to do at the time. Right place at the right time kind of thing. I went over to the woman and asked if she had another phone number for the someone else that she wanted called. (Thinking this is what the receptionist should have been doing). She mumbled something and then something else, and something else, which translated into that she couldn’t remember the other number.

I sat down. My heart began to burst open in my chest for this poor woman who was getting noticeably worried that no one was there to get her. I seem to know this feeling – the feeling of being abandoned, left alone to fend for myself, waiting for someone to come, not able to connect with anyone…. Oh dear – I can feel the heart cracking open again…

I tried to distract myself with reading ‘Radical Acceptance’ by Tara Brach. I opened to where the bookmark was and the first line I randomly read 2/3 down the page was: “…seeing and feeling the degree of suffering we are living with reconnects us to our heart.” It was another thud to the chest. And then I heard the receptionist making a phone call for the lone lady in the chair. Ah, she does care after all! I felt a little more relieved that action was being taken to help this poor, abandoned woman – as the receptionist spoke in a louder tone to let the woman know that somebody was indeed on the way, and it would only be another 5-10 mins… Whew – not abandoned after all – breathing better now.

And sure enough within 5 mins a woman from a “medical transport service” showed up to take this frail lady back to her nursing home. Wow – maybe she has no family after all, and no one had really abandoned her. She was just confused and suffered because she *thought* she had been abandoned. I felt her “suffering” and it touched something deep in me, reconnecting me to the Heart… I was touched by her need, her helplessness, her emotional distress. Responding to her need opened the Heart… Responding to life as it is in the moment opens the space for something larger than ourselves to move in us – to open...

I tried to read from Tara Brach’s book again, while I continued waiting in the waiting room, skimming through the chapter picking up other little phrases: “…opening to life as it is. …regardless of how our experience unfolds, by agreeing to what is here, we offer it the space to express and move through us”, which is exactly what happened this morning waiting in the waiting room. Life as it is moved through in a brief instant between me, an elderly woman and a receptionist. None of whom I expect to see again… Just breezes blowing through - opening the Heart… Happy Birthday Buddha! And thank you for the gift you left me today…

~*~

The Angst of "not good enough..."

Yesterday I woke up with a nagging sense that I was “not good enough.” It was triggered by the *thought* that I may have offended someone. This is an interesting neurotic tendency that I have - *assuming* that what I say may offend, rather than being somehow beneficial - creating yet another story to wrap my mind around. I often wake up in “storyland” before my day even gets started and then start obsessing endlessly, and spend the day trying *not* to obsess. I know some of you can relate to this as well. Crazy creatures we are!

While sitting out under what I now call my “Buddha Tree” :) - the Maple in my backyard – I felt a deep angst, unsettledness, and anxiety about this situation. I felt a core sense of inadequacy, of being flawed, “wrong”, of not being “okay.” And I could see what the spiritual teachers say, that this *feeling* is the root of my suffering, my angst: the sense that who I AM is not “good enough” – although at the level of Pure Being I *know* that is not true.

I have been making my way *slowly* through Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance” - slowly because it is touching a deep nerve. She mentions this core sense of inadequacy which she calls “the trance of unworthiness,” the trance of the separate self, which she says is the “human condition.” Through her descriptions I am experiencing what she means by this and I am beginning to face this deeper pain within… Oh boy! How could I have known that my resolve to sit with Nature meant I would face my deepest neuroses and insecurities! I thought connecting with Nature would bring bliss and delight! :)

So now under the tree I am beginning to face my inner dragons – the ones I’ve been avoiding, the ones who wreak havoc in the Stillness. They want to be released from the dungeons. But if I release them, I rationalize, they might devour “me.” But I think that’s the point – to be devoured until there is nothing left but The Self – The True Nature. Yet, I’d prefer not to go through the fiery furnace, thank you very much! I’d rather believe my delusions of peace and bliss under the “Buddha Tree.” But it seems in agreeing to see what I need to see and hearing what I need to hear I have opened the door to the furnace… And I think “I” am about to be burned: the me-mind with its neurotic patterns, that is. Which is supposed to be a good thing, but I didn’t realize how much pain was actually involved.

This “basic” sense of inadequacy causes my mind to go off on neurotic journeys and tightens my stomach. I feel the urge to act, to free the angst, to find out *if* I have offended, to find out if I’m “okay.” It takes all I have to just sit – to go deeper, to touch my Essential Nature, beyond the mind; to *not* act on my neurotic tendencies and mind-created scenarios; to *not* feel “in control”; to *not* seek validation for this needy persona-self; to just sit and *be*… It was exhausting actually.

This *deep* sense of “wrongness” inside actually surprises me. I thought I had moved past it years ago. It appears it has remained hidden. This, it seems, is the “anxious quiver of being” that Ezra Bayda and Tara Brach and others talk about: This basic sense of flaw, fault, inadequacy, incompetency that underlies most of our actions, needs, wants and sufferings – internal and otherwise. And how insidious this is – this feeling that keeps everything unsettled and becomes the reference point for living!

With the recognition of this core feeling, a deep sense of compassion welled up inside – which also surprised me. And I realized that this compassion was not just for my own experience but for everyone who experiences the same.

And yet – despite this realization, and feeling this momentary deep compassion for the neuroses of mankind, the collective deep pain of inadequacy, I am still not able to completely face it, to see what’s there. So like a turtle I began to recede and hide behind the safety of the persona. In a sense hiding behind the inadequacy, the *belief* in not being good enough; hiding in the anxious quiver of the mind. How very strange…

It’s like we *use* our neuroses to hide, to cover over who we really are. We meet each other on the level of inadequacy, suffering and pain, pretending we don’t know who we really are, afraid to speak from that sense of knowing our True Nature.

As I sat, I asked: what is the “medicine” that is needed here, but received no answer. It was as if I was asking too soon, trying to find the “fix” to avoid the pain, trying to rush a release. It seems I just need to *be* with it, to wait until it’s fully met. So for now the “medicine” is the stillness of simple awareness.

~*~

Synchronicity ~ The Call of the Heart

The Taoists say there is an underlying Flow to all Life, a seamless Flow of Existence that is in all life – in all beings – that *is* Life. There is an interaction of the currents and eddies of this Flow in synchronistic “coincidences” and circumstances of living that bring us what we need and not necessarily what we want. The synchronicity of circumstances of this Flow “awakens” us, or awakens something *in* us, like a homing call. It seems no matter what our experiences in life, our Being is calling us “home” *through* these seemingly synchronistic life experiences – the Self calling the Self back to Self - the call of the Heart.

Strangely my husband and I are not synchronous. Our inner rhythms and timing are very different, often causing conflict on the River. We are like a confluence of seemingly disparate currents within the larger Flow, both returning to the Ocean in our own way. However, he is often the vehicle of synchronicity. He is often the one who brings me the wisdom I need to “wake up”, either in the words that fall out of his mouth, (that I share here sometimes), or in books he finds, and of course in the dynamics of relationship as teacher. Last weekend he brought home a 2 CD set series he picked up at the library for himself called: “Meditations for Emotional Healing” by Tara Brach; subtitled: Finding Freedom in the Face of Difficulty. He thought I might be interested as well. I read the back. It lists the meditations: Arriving in Natural Presence (hmmm, liked those words); The “Yes” Meditation (yes, intriguing); the “RAIN” Meditation (ooo – I like the rain, remember? :) and “Calling on Love – a heart-opening meditation for taking refuge in unconditional love.” And there it was again – the heart-quaking that I’ve been experiencing lately. I was drawn to the words: “heart-opening” and “taking refuge in unconditional love.” The call of the Heart? Synchronicity?

Tara Brach is a practicing Buddhist as well as a psychologist. She also wrote a book called: Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. My heart leapt at the words “Heart of a Buddha.” With my new love for “the Buddha” I felt drawn in by the words as if there was something there for me to see or know. I’ve been feeling what I call the “call” of the Buddha, the call of the awakened Heart within. So when I read the words I knew it was a must have book. The local book store had it and I had a 30% off coupon – heh, heh, heh – synchronicity?

Sunday afternoon I settled in on the couch and started listening to the CD’s. She says there is an energy in us that draws us to the truth, to love, to the *awareness* of our “Natural Presence: that awake Beingness within that is listening and looking through our eyes. And what our hearts long for most is love, awakening, truth…” As I listened it started: the heart quaking – literally skipping beats, my whole being quivering, and an antsy, unsettledness running through my body that I’ve been experiencing lately. I knew I was on to something that was *needed* just by my body’s visceral response. It wasn’t as if the words she was speaking were new to me, but they stirred something deep inside – awakening a raw, tender vulnerability of the Heart; causing a deep quaking in my being as I felt the resonance of the words calling me inward to the Heart – to “Natural Presence,” or Buddha Nature.

She tells a story about a well-known ancient statue of Buddha in Southeast Asia. Apparently the statue was made of clay. But there were cracks in the clay and a curious monk took a flashlight and peered through the cracks to see if there was anything underneath. He evidently saw a flash of gold inside the statue. They discovered that there was a gold statue of Buddha *inside* the clay crust. The clay was applied to the statue to protect it from harm during times of conflict. I have seen glimpses of this shining Buddha within myself. I have felt this Presence in many forms, and called it different names. Yet there is apparently a cracking of the exterior constructs of protection occurring here, so that this True inner Being can be fully revealed.

I started reading her book. And it started again – the deep heart-quaking. My mind fogged up. I had to go back and keep re-reading; not because the content was intellectual, or esoteric, or so profound, but because I wasn’t ready to let the words in. Avoidance strategies were kicking in: the antsy-pants, the numbing, and the “hungry ghost.” I had to put the book down. It appears I’m in for a little excavation into the heart of things, layers of old patterns that have cracked open revealing the vulnerability of an open Heart that I don’t feel prepared for, but it’s evidently where the Tao is calling me… Synchronicity – the call of the Heart…

~*~

photo - christine