Sticks and Stones....

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

Hawkeye vs. Brainchild. It's a battle that won't be showing up anytime soon in the annals of comics history, so why is it being featured here?

Because if I simply wrote about what happened in this fight, you'd respond with: "You've got to be kidding me."

Followed by, "You've GOT to be kidding me."

No, the way the fight plays out is something you must see for yourself.

We start out by finding that Brainchild has Hawkeye on the ropes. Go on, make all the jokes you want to about how anyone with the word "brain" in their name isn't going to have any trouble getting the best of Hawkeye. All I can say is, don't count Hawkeye out just yet.

We can probably guess what Hawkeye is thinking right now: "Man, I need to get this guy to Vegas." Seriously, though, it looks like this Avenger is pretty helpless now. Brainchild certainly seems to think so. But if you thought Brainchild's method of defeating Hawkeye was a bit of a stretch, you haven't seen anything yet.

What's going on here? Hawkeye's going to beat this guy by insulting him? What's he got up his sleeve? Well, first he'd have to have sleeves. But he does have a plan:

Yes, that's right: if a villain ever menaces you, you can defeat them by making them have a tantrum. And instead of acting on that anger and lunging at you, they'll simply pass out.

If tantrums actually worked like that, parents everywhere would likely be high-fiving each other.

Then Came The Monster!

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

Despite the obvious mismatch here, perhaps it shouldn't be all that surprising to see Iron Man battle the Frankenstein monster. I think Thor tussled with the monster in an Avengers story; Spider-Man's had his share of werewolf and vampire fights (as well as an encounter with the monster himself); and Iron Man would go on to have his own werewolf skirmish in West Coast Avengers. But this fight was fairly early in Iron Man's career, and up to now he'd faced more down-to-Earth (if sometimes outlandish and, at times, alien) foes--so a battle with the monster, whatever fascination the creature held in popular culture, seemed the oddest of matches.

But Marvel apparently wanted to make the monster more mainstream in its titles. And by that I don't mean he'd be a member of the Avengers anytime soon (thank goodness even Marvel wouldn't dive off the deep end like that)--just that the monster's appearances, however sparse, would be treated with less shock by others as time went on. For instance, just look at Iron Man's initial reaction, when, escaping red Chinese territory after a battle with the Mandarin, his jet is shot down over the Yugoslav-Greek border and he awakes to a startling sight:

Already, Iron Man, even with his well-known skepticism, has accepted without qualm that this is the Frankenstein monster--it's only the fact that the monster is still alive after over 100 years that surprises him. That particular point would only be explained in the monster's solo title; it's likely that it was broached here only to avoid the impression of skirting by it surreptitiously, though with no intention of ever revisiting it.

This entire fight is the result of a misunderstanding on the part of the monster and his companions, out of fear that Iron Man is a likely ally of the Dreadknight--the "other," as he's known to those who have felt his wrath, a resident of the castle who imposes his will by force. Regardless, Iron Man is put in the position of defending himself:

Naturally, Marvel wouldn't feature the monster on an Iron Man cover if they were going to let Iron Man just waltz all over this guy. And so, with the rabid assistance of the monster's fellow residents, the fight escalates. Though the match between this brute and Tony Stark's crowning engineering achievement is bound to be short-lived:

Iron Man goes on to learn the truth about the Dreadknight and manages to rout him with the assistance of the monster.  As for the creation of Frankenstein, now seemingly a mainstay of the Marvel universe, maybe he deserves a name by now?

Prepare To Be Staggered!

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

Given that Spider-Man isn't exactly the Juggernaut, you'd think that a battle between these two very different characters would be more of a one-time novelty, instead of a match-up that continues to be trotted out by Marvel on occasion. I think the reason for that is more due to Spider-Man's popularity than the Hulk's, if the healthy run of Marvel Team-Up and Spider-Man's many spin-off titles are any indication. Also, Spider-Man has several interesting abilities, which are pretty entertaining to see used against such an awesome foe. So the attraction of a Spider-Man/Hulk battle is probably to see how the fight is handled, rather than to take bets on who the victor will be. And though the Hulk took awhile to catch on with readers, he's now a Marvel mainstay and looks damn good appearing on another character's cover as a foe.

That said--aside from the marquee value, there isn't really much of a reason to tune in a battle between these two characters. Because basically, their encounters are going to go something like this:

In other words, while the Hulk attempts to get his hands on Spider-Man, Spidey is going to keep out of his way while doing his best to score hit-and-run attacks or distract the brute from whatever danger he's posing. No decisive victory is likely on Spider-Man's part, at least on a one-on-one basis. One-on-one, the Hulk could take Spider-Man out with one blow (and likely kill him); while Spider-Man, bless him, can only delude himself with a move like this one:

Right. If you say so, Spidey. You "staggered the Hulk." Less than 5 seconds after he'd changed from Bruce Banner. Yes, that was all you. I knew you could spin webs, but I had no idea you could also spin the facts. You certainly didn't take long to use it as a feather in your cap, either:

My Precioussssss

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

I haven't yet read Sean Howe's book, Marvel Comics: The Untold Story, so I'm not really clear on the mechanics of how a story at Marvel gets pitched or by whom, or if one is simply assigned to a book's resident writer. But let's say for the sake of argument that it's the writer who charts the book's direction (or at least contributes to it), and the editor then signs off on the story idea which the writer then works out with the artist. I'm sure that's way over-simplifying it, but let's stick with that for now.

So this is how I would imagine this story's concept being proposed by the writer of Invincible Iron Man at the time, Mike Friedrich, to editor Roy Thomas:

MF: I'd like to have Iron Man battle Princess Python.
RT: ...
MF: Roy?
RT: The snake charmer?
MF: Yeah!
RT: But--she doesn't have any powers. She just has her pet python.
MF: Um hmm, I know.
RT: So it'll basically be Iron Man vs. a python.
MF: And Princess Python, yeah.
RT: Iron Man. Pitting his armored might against a python.
MF: I can make it work, seriously! Think of it--Princess Python, going up against Iron Man!

I have to assume that Thomas had to take an important call at that moment and put this meeting on the back burner, because somehow this premise made it into production and appeared in Iron Man #50. Fifty issues of Iron Man, and we find him going up against foes like Princess Python. Whether you can count Iron Man to be a successful title at this point is a matter of perspective, I guess.

At any rate, let's do a fast-forward and show you the only climax we can expect from a threat to Iron Man by the Princess's python:

Except that the python is doing its best to crush Iron Man's armor--but unless that armor is crinkling, or bending, or weakening in any way (and it isn't), the man inside that armor isn't being crushed one bit. Not even tickled. And since it wouldn't do Iron Man's rep any good in villain circles if word got around that a python had the strength to damage his armor, we can assume that his armor weathered this "attack" with flying colors.

So that takes care of the python. What about any threat Princess Python brings to the table? Well, since she's usually operated with the Ringmaster's Circus of Crime, and since that was just a group of thieves, she's not about to change her stripes now. And since a ransom demand for the safe return of Tony Stark would represent a lot of money for her, she snatches him during an interview:

However, while Iron Man may have a problem with breaking a python's grip, it seems to be a snap for Tony Stark:

And after Stark ducks into some bushes and changes to Iron Man, the battle we've all been waiting for is finally joined. At least Princess Python has an idea of who is outmatched in this fight:

Give the Princess her props--she was putting "my precious" into circulation long before Gollum made it to the screen. And speaking of circulation, Iron Man is still afraid of losing his because he thinks his armor isn't strong enough to withstand a python's attack:

Tell me I didn't just hear Iron Man conclude that he'd need to use "all his strength" to free himself from this python's grip. At least we know that if Iron Man ever turns bad, all the military would have to do is send two or three trained pythons against him. I could even name the perfect Princess to head the task force.

After a brief accidental bath in some rocket fuel compounds, the python is rendered immune to Iron Man's repulsor blasts. And so the Princess sics it on him again, while Iron Man is hovering over a vat of acid--which brings us back to our beginning scene above. Now, as far as I can tell, there's no part of this snake that's affecting Iron Man's boot jets, so his life isn't in danger. But you'd never know it by how Iron Man makes an ultimate effort to triumph over this python, as if time were of the essence:

Wow, Iron Man has "conquered" a python.  I can see the ticker tape parades already.  Anyway, the python isn't equipped with boot jets, and we do have a vat of acid waiting below, so:

But Iron Man manages to save the Princess, and promises to get her some psychiatric care. Gosh, where will those doctors start? Her criminal history? Her fixation on large deadly snakes? But I know the big question that has to be on everyone's mind: hasn't Princess Python more than proven her ability to take the place of the Mandarin as Iron Man's arch enemy? Assuming she can lay her hands on another python.  Iron Man's other enemies may want one of their very own.

Remember Where You Park Your Jet Cycle

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

Where Ben Grimm is concerned, even a matchup as lopsided as this is even money.

The World's Fastest Mouth

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

Given the nature of this particular fight:

You'd think it would be over in a flash, wouldn't you?

This is another of those "misguided" fights. After escaping Magneto, Quicksilver is looking for a way to redeem himself to the Avengers in order to rejoin them--and under the impression that Spider-Man is wanted by the police, he goes after him in order to bring him to justice.

After bringing Spider-Man down to street-level, the battle begins:

Quicksilver's problem is that he always talks a good game--but the sensational abilities he's always trumpeting never seem to pay off at the end of his fights. Maybe because he's too busy talking about them, when he should be using them. It never seems to occur to him that you're nullifying your speed advantage if you're still moving slowly enough so that your opponent can hear your full sentences:

Unfortunately, Spider-Man's strength is indeed foiling Quicksilver's multiple punches--he may be seeing stars, but he's not going down for the count. If we don't examine that too closely, we could probably swallow that. Quicksilver, fast as he is, still possesses just the strength of an ordinary man--whereas Spider-Man's strength and stamina are clearly documented (if sometimes inconsistent). The problem here is that we know Quicksilver can build up enough momentum to increase the impact of his punch by many times--I mean, he's mowed down squads of soldiers, for Pete's sake.

So if his opponent is reeling--as Spider-Man obviously is--he's got plenty of time (with his speed, that's no exaggeration) to take off and build that momentum, circle back, and deliver the enhanced punch. Two or three of those, and Spider-Man's out--oh, hell, we'll make it four, just for good measure. Quicksilver won't even be winded.

But ol' fleet-foot doesn't agree with me, and tries a new tactic:

Which would work, if only it would occur to this so-called trained speedster that, if you're moving that fast in a circle, you're pretty much a stationary target--particularly if you stay within arm's reach.

Which, ridiculously, he does.

It's usually been a rule of thumb that the more Quicksilver blusters, the more certain you can be that he's going to be unconscious fairly soon. He's sometimes his own worst enemy in battle. You'd think Captain America, when he was training him, would have advised him to rein in the ego and focus more on the task at hand.

Anyway, you can guess what happens next. Once Quicksilver wakes up, Spider-Man clears things up with him, and they go their separate ways. In any sane world, Spider-Man would have been hoisted over Quicksilver's shoulder and carried into the nearest police precinct. But that will have to wait until Quicksilver's battle savvy no longer lags behind the rest of him.

Not Exactly The Panther's Prey

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

The Black Panther vs. the Hulk.

Right.

I think the Hulk sums up how this is going to go:

You'll notice the Panther isn't exactly arguing the point. His options for rebuttal are, well, nonexistent. "Don't be so sure, Hulk! My kicks will eventually wear you down!" or, "I'll do so many acrobatic flips around you that you'll become so dizzy you'll pass out!" Look at how well that's working for Quicksilver. Or not.

I suppose the Panther is just too honorable to try something like kicking him in the crotch. Now that I think about it, no one's actually tried that. Not even Wolverine, who would certainly have no qualms about it.

I had higher hopes for the Panther, to be honest--after all, this is the same Panther who ensnared the Fantastic Four. Of course, that was because he laid carefully planned traps for them, using the technology available to him on his own turf. But the Panther we've come to know is both canny and resourceful, and I think he'd be bright enough not to go up against the Hulk one-on-one and expect to make any headway using just strength.

Unfortunately, when the Panther was with the Avengers, writer Roy Thomas limited his abilities to his strength, agility, and stealth. The thing about stealth, though, is that, once you've snuck up on your target, you've got to have a plan to capitalize on it. And, well:

For what it's worth, the Panther was in a good tactical position here, even against the Hulk. How about sticking his claws into the Hulk's eyes? Pounding his fists against his ears? Dropping a knock-out pill down his throat? Or what about this old trick:

Yet, even the Hulk is unable to convince the Panther that fists just aren't going to win the day for him:

Heh. "Hardly" feels his attack. I'm sure the Hulk was just trying to give him a pity compliment. "Is this human attacking me?" he's probably thinking. "What's he using for fists--nerf balls?"

Now if you're a brilliant ruler like the Panther, you're eventually going to come to your senses and try a different approach. Luring the Hulk into a trap? No. What about that gas idea? Nah. Then that leaves...

Sigh. His feet.

Some rulers are just slow on the uptake.

No, I don't know how he bent back a piece of lumber, either. Have you ever tried to bend a thick piece of lumber? You might as well try to tackle the Hulk. But, back to the business at hand--explain the Panther's thinking here. He admits that he can't match the Hulk in raw power. So he concludes that the next thing to try against him is--raw power. No wonder the Panther brooded so often about sticking around with the Avengers--look what they did to his fighting edge.

To add insult to injury, Hawkeye shows up and takes the Hulk out with--wait for it--a sonic arrow. Gee, there was a time when the Panther used to know the value of technology. Still, we have to give him credit for drawing the short stick and even going up against the Hulk--who, let's be realistic, probably doesn't even recall the Panther landing a single blow.