I need another holiday - a proper one

I was looking back through my old photos from our trip to FNQ last year and I want to go back. Now, please. I think I could even put up with the humidity. If I was lying on a beach somewhere.

I am so tired. I have done nothing today which is probably why. I put petrol in my car and did a quick supermarket visit, did a couple of loads of washing and made the kids' dinner. But other than that I have sat and fiddled around on my laptop. Bad.

Two is home and Three won't be home til late cos he's working. Himself is in Sydney but has been given the go ahead to look for an apartment so that will give him something to look forward to.

The IQ box was delivered for cable. More buttons but the kids seem impressed with it so it must be good. I wish the quality was as good as the quantity!

Two has a referral to see a counsellor. This is good. He asked his GP for a script for Zyban to help quit smoking but he (the GP) didn't think now was a good time to take a drug like that. We see the ear, nose and throat specialist tomorrow as Two's voice is changing again and he is becoming short of breath. At least his swallowing isn't affected yet so we may be able to avoid another visit to ICU!

I'm working Tues, Wed, Thursday this week. Which is good because the specialist's rooms are directly across the road from the hospital so Two will catch a train from work in the city and meet me and we can see Dr Nose and then I can drive him home. And I have Friday to look forward to although it will be spent cleaning as I didn't do any today.

OK. I'm going to put my runners on and go for a walk, even if it's just a quick turn around the block. I'll aim for 15 minutes.

Addit: Well I went for 20! And I did feel good although my feet and muscles had something less than flattering to say. I listened to some good music on my iPod and plan to do a bit more tomorrow (feet permitting). I thought I had updated my iPod playlist but it seems to have not jumped from the computer to the iPod. Still, it was good music (hey, it's my iPod, of course it will have good music on it). It is a warm pleasant evening and obviously quite a few people had decided to have bbqs for dinner. I love walking in the evening and smelling all the cooking smells (especially in the cooler weather) but today everyone seemed to be cooking greasy sausages!!

I'm off to cook my pork steaks with broccolini, spinach and potato. The boys are having canneloni. If I'd thought about it I could have had our bbq heating whilst I went walking but will fire up the george foreman grill instead.

A glass of red would be nice ......

I can't think of an appropriate title.

Those of you who are waiting for photos of new clothes will have to wait a while longer! (I'm looking at YOU, MizS!)

I need to go through the wardrobe and do a bit of a cull. Having said that I did buy a new top yesterday which I think fits in with what I've been taught. Today I tried to find some new pants/jeans but didn't have much luck. I also tried to find some shoes but that wasn't happening either. Whilst this whole image consultant thing will make it easier to not make mistakes it also makes it harder to buy stuff. In the past I would have said "yup, fits, buy it". Now I'm looking at colour and style and image as well as fit and comfort! I would certainly benefit from wearing a shoe with a bit of a heel but I stopped taking my glucosamine a few months ago and my left foot is giving me serious grief again. The good thing is that I realise that when I can't find something I like it's not about me failing. It's about the system (fashion, store buyers, etc.) failing me! And that is a very liberating feeling. For the first time ever I am actually looking forward to shopping for clothes and am not worried about not finding things that work the first time I venture out.

I am so glad I had the hysterectomy. The past week or so I have been feeling very PMSy. And I realised that I haven't felt like this for a long time. Which suggests that the old hormones are winding down and things are slowing down. Which would have set me up for some unpleasant surprises which are no longer possible after the op. If you get my drift. And it made me remember how much I hated that particular part of womanhood. At least when I felt especially, unaccountably cranky I knew that there was a reason and I wasn't going completely mad. Just a little bit.

We are graced with all boys home for dinner this evening. It will be like the old days with just the 5 of us. Much as I love the girlfriends it is always nice to have the boys home on their own. Just to watch them interact and be brothers which is always a bit inhibited with the females around.

Ooh. Forgot to tell you. One of the many things that Imogen taught me was about having the correct placement for buttons and bows and things. I have a crocheted top (ugh... how '70s that sounds!) which tied under the boobs. It never really worked and I just assumed it's because I'm FAT FAT FAT. I put it on today and realised that whilst the colour isn't quite right the main problem was that the tie was in the wrong place. It accentuated my biggest area. A deep 'V' is good but only so far. I cut the ties off and resewed them higher up and "BINGO" it works so much better. I apologise for not taking before and after photos! Next time.

And on that note I will love you and leave you. I'm going to veg out on the couch in front of the telly with some sons.

Happy Australia Day

I was born in Somalia (of English parents). I spent my first few years in Sierra Leone. I grew up in Hong Kong. I considered England "home" even though I had never lived there for any length of time. I came to Australia when I was 15 and have never set foot outside this country since. I am married to a naturalised Australian of Polish decent. I have only paid taxes in Australia. My children are Australian. I think it's about time I became an Australian citizen! In my defence ... I refused to become an Australian citizen when it was mandatory to swear allegiance to the Queen because as a British subject I was already under the royal thumb. That requirement is long gone and my only excuse now is laziness (and the fear of tests ... I have to prove I am worthy).

2007 will be the year that SparklingMerlot becomes an Australian citizen.

I love this country. MY country. I am proud to be Australian, because in my heart I am. I just need the ceremony and the piece of paper to prove it.

If you don't live in Australia then make a point to visit us and you will realise why we are the lucky country!!

Bye bye baggy, hello style!

In the past I have dressed because it is illegal to walk down the street naked. And it would scare the children. I have dressed for comfort. Not that I always succeeded. I was going to say that I wore what fitted, but that has rarely been the case as if pants fit around the hips and thighs they are way to tight around my middle (I can't say waist as I don't have and never have had a waist). I didn't consider what message I have been sending with my clothes. I wore shapeless, oversized, cheap, poorly made garments.

All that is about to change.

Today I had my style consultation and what an eye-opener.

It was very, very confronting but liberating as well.

Imogen asked me to write a few words to descibe what I felt my clothes say about me. "Middle-aged, frumpy, unworthy and uninteresting". And what I would like them to say about me? "Confident, attractive, elegant and youthful". Youthful doesn't mean mutton dressed as lamb. If anything I've always been lamb dressed as mutton!

We then went through a whole series of exercises that discovered my personal style (classic, relaxed and feminine with some creativity), face shape, body shape and proportions. She showed me how to direct attention away from the unwanted bits and how to highlight those areas I want people to notice. She gave me tips on how to wear jewellery, what patterns to look for, the weight of fabric to wear, the lengths of skirts and pants. It was awesome.

I now have to put aside a day to go through the very depleted wardrobe and deplete it further! Then I'm going to book two or three hours of shopping with Imogen to replenish the wardrobe. I plan to go out by myself first and try on some clothes to see if I have grasped what she has taught me.

There is a little down side to all of this and that is Himself. He was the one who suggested I do this and has shown great interest in it all. Today he was telling me about a 'new' exercise concept (basically interval training) which sheds weight more effectively than just walking. I know that I am overweight and have let myself become dowdy and boring and I know that he has my happiness and best interests at heart but sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough for him at the moment. I know this isn't true and is just a manifestation of my poor self image but it is my perception at times.

Anyway. I am at the beginning of a new lease of life. I turned 50 last year and it's time I started to accept that I am entitled to be happy and to look my best and that's not vanity or selfishness.

Another interesting thing that came out of today was my desire for some creativity in my life. When I was younger I used to sew. I've dabbled in applique and fabric painting. I've cross-stitched. I did a design and pattern making course! I've baked. I've tried my hand at painting. When I was still in my teens I wrote poetry (didn't we all?!). Part of today's assessment was to ask what my goals were (remembering that a lot of women that use Imogen are professionals looking to advance their careers) and the only thing I could come up with was a career change. As we continued to chat and go through the consultation it dawned on me that I am quite dissatisfied with my life. I don't necessarily think that it's all work related but more that there is something central lacking in my life. I am no longer a hands on mother and I no longer have an outlet for my creative side. I have no real hobbies (reading is for relaxation and 'downtime' and the internet is a bloody waste of time!). I don't exercise at the moment. Himself and I don't have friends - we don't entertain other than immediate family and the Mermaid who is so close she may as well be family. I'm not complaining, mind. I am just realising that I need more in my life and it's not just my job. Indeed, if I can find other outlets my job may become more pleasant as it won't take such a central position in my life.

So it wasn't just a clothes makeover! It's turning into a Me makeover! And I will be more than happy to engage Imogen over the years as I age and change to ensure that I will continue to look my best.

But first I have to tackle that wardrobe.

Random jottings

I can't remember which photos I posted on my old journal and I can't be bothered going back and having a look so if I repeat myself, I apologise.

Thomas comes onto my bed in the mornings and snuggles in. He is always very purry and affectionate. Today he has followed me all around the house and settled in whenever I stop for more than a minute or two. I went out for lunch and when I got home he was still curled up at the foot of the bed where I left him but as soon as I came and sat down here he was on the couch nearby. I am very fond of this cat!

We went to the bbq yesterday. The food was better but still drowned in oil. At least the meat was tender although lacking in flavour. We chatted about a few things and their imminent wedding. She showed me her dress which is lovely. Two offered to film the day for them and they have accepted so they will get a lovely DVD to remember the occasion and Two will have something to add to his portfolio.

Himself has gone to Sydney. Last year he would leave late on Tuesday evening and return on Friday evening. Now, he is going up early (VERY early!) on Monday mornings and returning either Thursday or Friday. This week he will be back on Thursday because Friday is Australia Day (a national public holiday - yay!) but next week he will probably be up for the whole week. Several people have suggested that he move to Sydney. Whilst he realises that this is not an option at the moment as we couldn't leave Two and Three to fend for themselves in Melbourne and I wouldn't expect them to move to Sydney, I think that he is really torn. The thing is that even if the boys weren't an issue I don't want to move. I have friends and family in Melbourne and I have a job that, while I whinge about it a lot, I do enjoy and feel comfortable doing. And I have my cats and my garden and just my general comfort zone. If the kids were little it would be different as it's easier to meet people and make friends through kindergartens, schools and sporting clubs. But at my age it would be very difficult for me to make new friends and I would miss the ones I have in Melbourne. Not to mention my family. The current situation isn't ideal for Himself, though, living 4-5 days a week in a hotel room in a part of Sydney that shuts down once business hours are over. And I think that his colleagues have forgotten that he is actually commuting from Melbourne and has noone to talk to after hours. He has to eat in pubs or the hotel restaurant, doesn't have internet access and gets bored and lonely. Not conducive to a healthy frame of mind. He is considering renting a studio apartment which would probably cost the company less than the hotel. Then he could cook for himself, invite someone over for a beer if he wanted, even get the internet connected. At least he would be returning to the same place each week and could make it a bit more personal. And I could go up and stay now and again. At his age he can't afford to be choosy about work and he really enjoys what he does so it looks as if Sydney will be his place of work for the foreseeable future. We just need to make his living arrangements as comfortable as possible.

I caught up with the Mermaid and Jenny from golf for lunch. They knew each other when their eldest sons were at primary school but fell out of touch and since I met Jenny we have had a couple of lunches together. Today's was a bit strained. I'm not sure why but I think they have changed a lot since they knew each other and may no longer have the same sort of things in common. Their lives have changed a lot since then, too. The meal I had was bloody awful. I ordered penne with bacon and chicken in a napoli sauce with capiscum and some cheese. I ate the pasta and the capsicum but the chicken and bacon were not very nice at all. I know I should have complained and returned it but they had already stuffed up my order by bringing me a risotto to start with (that would probably have been better!) and it is a pub, when all is said and done. The Mermaid had the potato rosti with smoked salmon and I should have gone for that and just worked it into my WW day. As it is, I felt unsatisfied after lunch and decidedly disgruntled. I haven't pigged out and am in the process of cooking a healthy dinner but I have opened a bottle of a very nice cab sav and am savouring that. And this isn't the behaviour that will get my weight off. But I am in a very unsettled place at the moment and the wine is helping. I know, it's not the answer!!

Two went to the doctor today to discuss his emotional and psychological problems. I think he was hoping for some pills to provide a quick fix but the GP has him coming back next week to conduct a mental health assessment which will enable him (Two, not the GP!) to receive 5 sessions with a psychologist under medicare. This is good. The GP also reassured Two that he was on the right track by dealing with his dope smoking and bourbon drinking and that he would really benefit from some counselling. And I must admit that Two does seem a bit brighter these days. And is able to vocalise his concerns that he will self harm again.

Three is at work. His TAFE course starts in a couple of weeks and I really hope that he enjoys it.

Dinner's ready (it's just Two and me at the moment) and Law'n'Order's on cable so I'm going to settle in for a good evening.

Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity to get this weight loss thing worked out. And a day when I get my style consultation.

I'll tell you all about it ...

IT'S RAINING!!

We have had good rain for the past couple of days. Not nearly enough to consider the drought broken but a welcome relief for our parched gardens. You can almost hear the plants sighing with pleasure and wriggling their toes in the damp earth. I hope that the rain is falling in the catchment areas and on the bush fires.

The new work environment is proving to be challenging but we will cope. Thursday was really busy and wasn't helped by my allocated patients turning up to have procedures done for which they had been booked but not entered on our running sheet and therefore not enough time allocated. I left work an hour later than I should have but that was OK. We got through the day. Friday was less busy but had it's own stresses. I consider it the height of rudeness to interrupt someone when they are having a conversation and take over that conversation. It happened to me twice yesterday and the same person was the culprit on both occasions.

Last night Himself and I went to the pub for dinner. With all the dramas of the past few weeks and with Himself spending more time in Sydney, I'm aware that we need to spend time together and sitting down in a restaurant ensures conversation. I had a delicious salad and we shared a bottle of wine. I had another couple of glasses while we fed the ravenous pokies and then I had some more when we got home and vegged out infront of the telly. And then I made a platter of cheese and biscuits.

I came across a lovely quote on a blog that I found by following links from another blog (I think it's (re)modelling Clay, or something very similar and I think I found it from beebeejaybee who comments here *waving hello* .... I like to attribute words where I can so if I'm wrong let me know). Anyway, this blogger wrote in relation to his weight loss and food something along the lines of it being not about saying 'no' but about saying 'when'. This really struck a chord with me as I have always been the type who denies herself and then flips out. So, yes, last night I ate a few things that aren't on the Core plan of WW and I didn't count the points. And guess what. The sky didn't fall in and because of this refreshing approach (well, for me it is!) I was able to eat well today without feeling that I had blown everything. Tonight we are having a family roast. All the boys are home. And I'll have a few wines but I have cut up some watermelon and that will be dessert rather than chocolate or apple pie or stickydate pudding. And the chippies can stay in their packet. They aren't calling me at all.

Two has found work! It's back in fast food which he didn't want to do but hell, it's a start and he's grateful.

It's my mother's 79th birthday today so we bought her a book and popped in this afternoon. She thought I'd forgotten. They both have Big birthdays next year. Mum turns 80 and Dad turns 90. I hope they make it. And I noticed that my mother has finally stopped dyeing her hair and pretending it's natural!! Give it another couple of months and haircuts and I'll be interested to see what shade of grey/white she is. Or is it possible to still have vibrant colour in one's hair in one's late 70's. Please tell me if I have been uncharitable.

Tomorrow Himself and I are going to friends for a bbq. The female part of this couple is a step relative of Himself's and I have known her for a long time. I was matron of honour at her first wedding. The last time we had a bbqs over there her first husband was in charge of the meal and they were awful! Greasy, cheap cuts of meat. (Why do people think that it's OK to cook cheap cuts of meat on a bbq. It should be the opposite. When good cuts are bbq'd they are bloody marvellous but the ubiquitous lamb chump chops, pulverised blade steak and hamburgers made with hamburger mince are just godawful.) It will be interesting to see if her new partner is any better at bbqing but I doubt the quality of meat will have improved. This is someone who cooks magnificent meals in her kitchen, by the way.

Himself is back to Sydney on Monday morning and will be home on Thursday afternoon. Friday is a holiday (Australia Day).

I went to the hairdresser today. I was due for a trim and needed to take the gold out of my highlights. Although the depth of colour hasn't changed, the warmth has. It's now cooler and I can't get over the difference. Even Jane (my hairdresser) was impressed. Next time I go back she's going to put some ash tips in and then we'll take it from there.

Yummy smells are drifting through the house, the boys are all home (albeit in different rooms, but hey! they're under one roof!) and it's still raining. All is good in my world.

Just a quick one

My feet are killing me! We moved the unit and it was bloody hard work! Minor hiccups ... our two beds and four of our chairs wouldn't fit through the door because of the temporary wall that has been built while the first bit of the renovations was started. The chairs were dismantled and the beds will come over tomorrow. In the meantime we've borrowed from another department. When we left the computers and phones were still unconnected but hopefully will be up and running tomorrow. The bench on which we will be storing most of our daily stuff and fiddling around with medications and writing notes and generally cannot live without was still being made this morning. It was delivered this afternoon and they were going to install it about knee height! It's going to be very cramped and we won't be able to have relatives sitting with the patients unless they are needed to interpret or the like. And that will cause some problems with some people. Oh well, it's only for a couple of months.

Last night was intolerably hot. I went to bed and tossed and turned for two hours until I gave in and took a sleeping pill. It's much more pleasant this evening. Still fairly warm but nowhere as bad as last night. But still no rain.

I am pleased to say that I have done really well with WWOL these past three days and not a drop of wine. Himself comes home from Sydney tomorrow night and that will be a challenge as he likes a drink or 6 in the evenings. The good thing is that I wake up feeling better in the mornings and I don't miss it at night so we'll see how I go. It's just easier to have a drink if the person you live with is having one.

Tomorrow we are getting digital Optus. It has meant a bit of organising to make sure someone will be home but I think I've got it covered. There is nothing on free to air at the moment and the channels we have on cable aren't much better. At least with the new package I'll be able to watch some comedy or a decent doco.

I think I might go and see what state the boys' bathroom is in and if it's not too bad I might just have a bath! (We don't have a bath in the ensuite!)

I'm cool

Many years ago (over 20) I had my 'colours' done. I was told I was a Spring. I was 'warm'. I should wear bright clear colours like apricot and spring green. And my makeup should be warm. And my hair colour should be warm - no ash blonde tips for me, golden all the way. Sometimes I was pleased with how I looked but more often I wasn't. I just thought I was unattractive ('ugly' was the word I used with the Mermaid today. She laughed at me).

As the years have gone by and I have aged somewhat, things are not what they were. And the 'science' of colour has improved.

Today the style consultant came to my house and, as part one of Merlot's magnificent makeover, she did my colours. And what a difference!!! I have been wearing the wrong colours for too long and my makeup ... well, the less said about that the better. When she draped the 'right' colours around my neck my eyes lit up, the dark rings receded, the wrinkles lessened and my skin glowed. With the wrong colours I looked sallow, tired, older and my eyes were dull. With the right makeup I looked natural rather than tired. I've never been a big makeup wearer. Partly because I never learned how and partly because ... well, really because I never knew how. She showed me how to makeup my deepset eyes so they look less so. Where to put blush so that my face looks less square (and fat). And my hair. My god! After we did the makeup session things didn't look quite right until I covered up my hair and wow!, what an amazing difference. I have made an appointment to get the colour changed on Saturday and will get my hair trimmed as to my stylist's (hee ... I have a stylist) recommendation. Which isn't vastly different to how I wear it anyway which is good. But I think the colour is going to make an incredible difference. And to be fair to my hairdresser, she has often tried to direct me towards more ash colours and I have always refused ... cos I need WARM!

Next week I have to show her some outfits that I don't like but don't know why. Try my entire wardrobe! And then a couple of weeks after that I hope to go shopping with her.

Today was also Day 2 on the WWOL programme and, I must admit, so far so good. OK, I know it's only day 2!! It's been so hot and I was busy with the style consultant that I didn't even think about lunch. I know a lot of diets say you have to eat at regular intervals but the Core plan in WW gets you to think about hunger levels before you eat and I really want to learn when I'm hungry as opposed to eating because of the clock. This is always difficult at work as we have our breaks at certain times but I can at least identify the level of my hunger. I made myself a banana smoothie at about 4.00pm which was lunch and have just snacked on some celery and carrots sticks with salsa. Dinner will be a salad but not for a while as it's still so hot.

Apparantly there has been a huge power outage across a lot of Melbourne as bushfires have burnt the lines that top our supplies up from NSW when demands are high. Which they are today because of the heat. So far we aren't affected but the roads are chaotic and Two and Three are out there somewhere. The minimum tonight is forecast to be 25degrees C. (That's nearly 80 degrees F, I think). And there are thunderstorms around so it will be muggy. Oh joy.

It's a Tuesday and we live in an even numbered house so I can water the garden between 8 and 10 tonight. It will be very grateful.

If anyone is interested in a style consultation you can google them (as we did). I am going through a company called BeSpoke Image. And I can recommend her very highly. She made me feel relaxed and comfortable and certainly knows her stuff. As to the cost? Well, they vary according to the company and also the services you want (I need a lot of help!) but when I think of how much money I have spent on clothes over the years that just haven't worked and often been tossed out hardly worn, then any money spent to ensure that I will not make those mistakes again, and will feel good about myself, is an investment. I won't mind spending a bit more on good quality clothes if I know I'll wear them and look good. And carrying all this extra weight makes it even harder for me to choose what suits me as I tend to want to cover up in baggy t-shirts which is never a good look.

Back to work tomorrow. I hope the airconditioning is working! We are moving our unit (the medical unit, not the airconditioning unit) for renovations and we have no patients tomorrow but will spend the day clearing everything out and moving it down the corridor to our new, temporary, cramped home!! But it will be worth it when we move back. No more space per se but better use of what we have.

I'd better get my washing in in case we get hail with the possible thunderstorm.

Catch you tomorrow.....

A good day

For some reason people kept trying to decorate my cats this Christmas.

Himself left for Sydney early this morning, only to get to the airport and find that his flight had been cancelled. He was Not Impressed!

I found it very hard to get up this morning. Too much wine and too late a night combine to give me the morning jitters and panic attacks. Anyway, I did get up (obviously!) and signed on for Weight Watchers on line. And I'm very happy with what I've seen so far.

After fiddling around on the site for a bit I cleaned and vacuumed the house. The Mermaid and I had lunch together which was very pleasant. We found a little cafe at the end of the main shopping strip we go to and, whilst the food was tolerable, the cleanliness of the place left a bit to be desired. I'm sure the food preparation areas were OK but the waitress' uniform wasn't very clean and there was just an air of grubbiness about the place. I won't be going back! There are so many little places like that in the area that I wonder why they aren't all squeaky clean and bursting with fresh, delicious meals. The Mermaid was looking for a white blouse to wear when she goes dancing and we finally found a really pretty one our favourite shop. This shop always has things that are a bit different. The also had a sale on, so she did very well.

Two was doing some work at his old uni and rang before to say that he was having a beer with a mate and was waiting for Three to finish work and they would then be home. I have cannelloni in the oven which is one of their favourite meals and I will have a tuna and egg salad. Then Three will go to housesit as he doesn't have work tomorrow. I don't know why he's so keen as it's quite boring over there. I hope he's not planning any mischief!!

Tomorrow I have a session with an image consultant. We will be covering colour and makeup. Next week she will do a style consultation and then in a couple of weeks she will take me shopping to help me choose the right clothes.

MizS, Bunnings is a chain of HUGE hardware stores. Seventh heaven for all Aussie blokes and many Aussie women.

A very long entry

Today was a satisfying one of tidying up the house, deadheading some marigolds, the ubiquitous visit to Bunnings, a delicious dinner with Himself and Three and lots of thinking and researching some weight loss strategies.

Mrs Other has had a longer battle with her weight than I have. She is taller than I am and I always think of her as a big person but strikingly so. She and I are also the same shape. So we share the same problems with buying clothes. For example, if pants fit around the waist they billow and sag around the bum and the thighs; if they fit around the bum and thighs we can't do them up around the waist. Most larger size clothes seem to be designed for women who are pear shaped and can wear billowing skirts with small tops. I tried on an outfit like that and Three declared I looked like a lemon meringue pie.

When Mrs Other and I had coffee yesterday we spend a lot of time talking about these sorts of issues. It's quite liberating being able to have this sort of conversation with someone who really understands where you're coming from. She had a health scare last year and shed a lot of kilos. As her health has settled she, by her own admission, has become rather complacent again and two or three of those kilos has snuck back on.

I have been all over the place in my brain thinking about different weight loss programmes and strategies. If you've never had a weight problem then you are unlikely to understand. And by a weight problem I don't mean needing to lose some weight after having a baby, for example, and following a diet, losing the weight and that's that. A weight problem is ongoing (in my book, anyway). It is when someone tries many different ways to lose weight and either doesn't or promptly puts it back on. It's when you have followed so many diets that you no longer know when you are genuinely hungry or have had enough to eat. It's when your food becomes an enemy - you feel as if you are a victim of something which is necessary to maintain life. It's when you eat something and decide you don't want anymore (don't like it or feel full - occasionally it does happen!) but continue to eat as you have 'allowed' for it in your daily allowance or try to substitute something else for the same reason. Or start to stress out because your allocations for the day (calories, points, exchanges) are now out of whack. A weight problem is when you refuse invitations out because you aren't sure that you will be able to follow your diet and don't want to blow everything you've achieved so far. In extreme cases, it's when you do go out but disappear into the loo at the earliest opportunity and throw up. In less extreme cases it's where you forego a meal or eat only vegetables or do a lot more exercise. These things aren't a problem in themselves but they become one when they are done out of a sense of self punishment or a desire to minimise damage. By all means go on a long walk if you want to but not because you were naughty at lunch time.

Then I started thinking about why so many of us subscribe to weight loss programmes (apart from clever advertising targeting our weak spots). I think a lot of it is that we have very low self esteem and doubt our own abilities. And feel we need 'experts' to tell us how to do the right thing. This isn't just in the weight loss area but that's another story for another day. Maybe we feel that if we are paying money we are more likely to succeed. Not in my case! Is it having to be accountable to someone else? Very likely. And this works if the person to whom you are accountable is someone who matters to you and who has the ability to make you feel good about yourself. A lot of these programmes offer a quick fix. Promise that you can eat whatever you want. Show you photos of their success stories (which tend to be recent ... can you recall seeing "Jane Smith who lost 25 kilos 10 years ago and is still a size 10" used as an advertisement?)

In the past two years I have followed (in no particular order and with no particular degree of success):

Donna Aston - an Australian body building (I think) champion who has a studio in South Yarra and has written 5 books. I spent over AU$1500 for weekly personal training and fortnightly body composition measurements. Initially I did really well as I related well to the trainer I worked with. She then left and I just didn't click with the replacement. I also felt very intimidated going to the studio which was frequented by those with a lot more disposable income than I have and some who were well know in the entertainment industry. And noone was as big as I was.

Weight Watchers - for the umpteenth time. I returned to meetings (twice) and signed up for At Home. I have decided that the meetings just don't do it for me. There is always someone who asks questions that are on page one of the books but for some reason they don't seem to read them. And just when I find a really good leader they leave for greener pastures. And some leaders leave much to be desired. And then I get resentful and pissy and quit. I am also the Queen of Point Manipulation. I gave NoCount a go with the at home programme but, again, got pissy and grumpy when the promised feedback didn't happen. And when I stopped sending in my weekly reports I heard ..... nothing! You'd think that an organisation the size of WW would have some sort of program that would alert the AtHome team to a lack of participation. At least if you stop going to meetings they send you a letter.

BetaLife - a really great programme. If you are happy eating raw food in copious quantities for breakfast. This includes broccoli. Again, I did well to start with and felt really good. Energy levels were high, skin looked fresh ... but it was another one that I found hard to incorporate into day to day life. It took a helluva lot of preparation which just got too much. And I found their website and instruction videos very, very amateurish. Which, for the $$$ paid, was just not acceptable. Two, who was in his first year at uni, could have done far better. I notice they are advertising big time again. Oh, the other thing that was of concern was that you could only find out about the programme by subscribing. Not a hint of what it involved was available. At least WW and Donna were researchable.

Tony Ferguson - towards the end of last year I got desperate and decided to break one of my cardinal rules. I went for the meal replacement/VeryLowCalorieDiet option. I always said that I would never drink a shake instead of eating a meal. But I was so depressed and disheartened with my weight that I thought I give this route a go with the intention of losing a lot of weight quickly and then following a sensible diet. I felt that I needed a kick start. I needed to see result yesterday. So I spent several hundred dollars over a few weeks. I had a shake for breakfast, soup (from the range) for lunch and then protein and veges for dinner. I lost about 4 kilos in the first two weeks. But. Even though there are many different flavours I got soooo bored. And the more I thought about the makeup of the product, the shittier I got about spending about $3 per meal for something that was, effectively, based on skim milk powder!!

CSIRO - I bought the book. I even read the book. The book made a lot of sense. But did I start the diet? No. Why? Maybe because of the lack of accountability to someone else that I'd paid money to (we're talking serial dieter, here). I think the main reason was that there was a menu plan to be followed. You know the sort of thing .... Tuesday lunch is a roast beef and salad roll with pickled mango and beetroot salsa (no, that didn't come from the book). I keep rereading the book (and nearly bought Book 2 but Himself wasn't overly thrilled!) but something doesn't quite click.

So here I am. Nearly 12 months post hysterectomy. As overweight as ever if not more so. Less fit than I have ever been in my life. I cannot walk up one flight of stairs without sounding like an asthmatic goat with a 30 cigarette a day habit. My back is so stiff and sore I have to sit down to put my undies and socks on - and then it's with difficulty as I just. cannot. bend. And I can't turn over in bed without being woken with the pain. I am limited in what I can do before back pain puts me out of action. My right knee is very dodgy. I look and feel old and frumpy. Picture a fat middle aged woman getting out of the car and limping into the supermarket whilst almost doubled over because her back is so sore she can't straighten up and her knee is clicking all over the place. A friend rang this evening with the news that she has bought herself a bike. I want to be able to go for a ride with her but at the moment would be lucky if I could reach the end of my street. I want to wake up in the morning without a liver-ache. I want to feel 50, not 75. Actually, I have 75 year old cancer patients who are fitter than I am, and I'm not being flippant.

I have to make a choice.

Continue down my current path and look at an early death (the way I'm going 55 would be a bonus, 60 unlikely). High blood pressure. High cholesterol. Overweight. Heavy drinker. No exercise. Stress levels through the roof. Late nights. Poor sleep. Crappy diet.

Make some changes. Lose a substantial amount of weight (but anything would be a good start). Start walking every day. Even if it's just for 10 minutes to start with. Cut right back on the alcohol. Right, right back. Go to bed before 10.00 most nights. Eat clean (a concept from Donna Aston, if my memory serves me correctly). Find more effective stress management tools than the ones I'm using at the moment. (Chardonnay and crisps vs. sleep and sushi!!)

So here I am. It's 11.00pm. I have finally been able to get my house tidy and tomorrow will give it a really good clean as noone will be home during the day. This is always a calming factor for me. The front garden is looking tolerable considering our water restrictions and Himself tidied and swept outside the back door so that area looks good, too.

I have knocked back two bottles of white wine over the course of the evening. This is not unusual. But it is an area in which I can make some significant improvements.

We are still waiting to hear which way things are likely to fall for Two and this will be an area of ongoing stress but I can't eat, drink and sloth my way through it. If nothing else Two needs to see his parents as role models for stress management and I am ashamed to say that he is doing a much better job than I am at the moment.

And because I don't believe I can do things on my own I am planning to sign up for Weight Watchers on Line tomorrow. It's a lot cheaper than going to meetings. I don't know if the actual WW support will be any different (they have a supportive members' forum which I will revisit) and I won't have the discipline of weighing in front of a total stranger (!!) but I think that being able to enter things via my much loved laptop will help me.

Mrs Other and I agreed that there are certain parts of the current WW programme which work very well. And I need to tap into them. I won't be counting points cos that really messes with my anal way of thinking. I'll get my head around the Core programme and take it from there. I also have Mrs Other to vent to cos I know she understands. The Mermaid will be supportive but she has never experienced a weight problem (her daughter has and has lost lots of weight following the WW programme but not as a member and I know that the obsessive nature of the whole thing caused The Mermaid much grief ... not saying that WW encourages obsessive behaviour, more that certain weight problems manifest with obsessive behaviours). Himself will be super supportive. But that can become very difficult for me so I will try to do this without his knowledge for a while. It's not that I don't appreciate his support (I realise how lucky I am to have it) but I get twitchy if I feel people might be monitoring me and I know that he is getting, understandably, fed up with my weight loss endeavours that amount to nothing. The boys are always my staunchest supporters in the way that young adult males can be. Basically, they know I'm doing something, comment favourably on any noticeable changes, ensure that I am given the opportunity to eat what I need to but don't heap shit on me if I mess up. I guess that's real love ... I'm their mum and I'll always be there for them and that's all that matters to them, as is should be.

And the reason I didn't sign up tonight? Well, I was going to but I had to fill in personal details like height and weight and whilst I know I won't grow or shrink overnight, I want to know that the weight I enter will be my highest so I'm not prepared to put in what I was this morning in case I weigh more tomorrow.

As I said at the beginning, this has been a very personal rant. In a lot of ways it has been thinking out loud. And when I think out loud or in words things seem to fall into place.

Himself will have to get up at 6.00 in the morning to catch his flight to Sydney. Two is housesitting and Three has to be at work at 10.00. I am quite excited about the thought of getting up relatively early, weighing, signing up for WWOL, having breakfast and then giving the house a good clean. The Mermaid and I are planning to get together for lunch and I know that I will be able to choose something appropriate. And the thing that I really need to remember is that even if I don't follow the WW plan to the absolute letter I am still making positive changes in my life and I don't need to bury my head in the biscuit barrel if I eat something I "shouldn't". That will be my biggest hurdle as I am such an all or nothing person. And I really need to change how I think about food. After writing all that I have this evening, I looked across at the clock, saw that it was 20 to midnight and had an "I've got 20 minutes to eat shit cos then it's tomorrow and I'll be good" moment.

This is not going to be easy.

Sometimes it takes longer to think of a heading than it does to write the entry...

So last evening I caught up with 3 other internet friends and we spoke to the fourth by phone. A very enjoyable evening. Cuddled a brand new baby, drank good wine, ate good food, fed the pokies and had some fantastic conversations with a group of diverse, wonderful women.

This morning I had coffee with my sister-in-law (Mrs. Other, Other Brother's wife) and again, great coffee, good food and satisfying conversation.

After that it was an afternoon of puddling around. We went to the nursery to replace some plants that had carked it. Went to the butcher and the supermarket. And, of course, went to Bunnings. And Himself has been twice more since!

As I was planting out the new plants in the front a woman stopped to compliment me on my flowers. That in itself was rewarding as I am not a very good gardener. She started to tell me about her childhood in India (my marigolds prompted that line of conversation) and from then we went onto our water restrictions, the use of grey water, Al Gore, James Bond (in particular the new one), other films, organic vs. supermarket, growing ones own herbs and veges, internal cleansing and the need for time out at least once a year. And the dog she found on her carport roof, Oprah, George Bush and coconuts.

Himself is not in a good place at the moment. After knowing him for over 30 years I have finally learned to recognise some of the signs. Which include him being particularly picky and meddling and making clumsy comments about my weight (H - "what do the scales say" M - "Don't know" H - "Well, do you want to go for a walk?"). He is one of those blokes who can suck their stomach in really well while they stand in front of the mirror but as soon as they turn away it all hangs out again. Whatever. I'll continue to deal with my weight my way.

Three has enrolled himself in his TAFE course. We are really proud of him. Two is bored but is finding things to do. I think he needs to be a bit more proactive about finding a job. He is going to be housesitting for Dr. Teacher and his family whilst they tootle around Tasmania.

Dinner is in the oven. The Bill and more Midsomer Murders on the telly. The only fly in the ointment is Himself's poor mood. Which is all tied up with his work wanting him to move to Sydney or at least spend more time there. He doesn't cope well when we cope well without him!

Tomorrow I might start my new diet. Tidy my house. Go for a walk. Or none of the above!

Time for a cool change....

I finally got the pictures off my camera and onto my laptop.


Stepson picked up an old engine for one of his cars that his uncle was going to fix up. Only the chap he bought if from lied when he said that it had been drained of oil.


















Needless to say the female owner of this car (his long suffering partner!) was NOT amused.


The cool change came through during the day so that when I left work it was more pleasant. Still no sign of rain though.

I am home alone. Himself is in Sydney, One is at LGF's place, Two is at NGF's place and Three is at work. Sound familiar? At least there is good television tonight. Midsomer Murders. Good English copper series.

Today I helped my boss sort out some budget stuff. It was so satisfying to get my head around numbers again. I didn't realise how much I missed it.

I think I'll go and make myself a sandwich and settle in for the evening.

Back to work

Maybe I did like the beach just for a short time. Or maybe I just liked posing for the camera!! Don't you just love the off the shoulder number?

Anyway. All thoughts of beach (good and bad!) and holidays have faded. It was back to work today. We weren't overly busy. As always, when returning after a break of a week or two, there was news of long time patients who had lost their battle. This time there were two. One was sad because, even though she had long outlived her original prognosis, her family still hadn't come to terms with the inevitable although they were with her when she died which is what matters the most for those families. It is so important in helping them to deal with things in the long term. And the other one was a man who had fought and fought and even a couple of weeks before Christmas was still denying the fact that there was nothing more to be done. Apparantly at the end, though, he and his wife were aware and accepting. This makes for a good death. And, yes, there is such a thing.

Three rang me today and told me that he had gone to the local TAFE (a tertiary institution that isn't a university, is more vocationally based and used to be very trade orientated but some of them now confer degrees) and enrolled in an Advanced Diploma in Business and Resource Management. I need to see the paper work to fully understand what's what but the fact that he did this off his own bat is just fantastic.

He then went to the beach, breezed in briefly before disappearing again to exGF's place and will be home later on tonight.

One has been looking after LGF. She isn't in a lot of pain but there is still quite a bit of discharge. I did tell you she'd had a nose operation (not allowed to call it a nose job), didn't I? I'll check back and if I haven't I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Two spent the day with NGF. And was interested in Three's news about TAFE and will look into courses for himself in the next week. As it was just the two of us home for dinner we got Chinese takeaway (always sounds and smells better than it tastes!) and a DVD. "Brick". We had seen the trailers in the movies but never got around to seeing it. It wasn't in the cinemas for long and I can understand why. It's not a mainstream film and did take a while to get into, but a bloody good watch. And it's one of those films that you keep thinking about and when you watch it with someone else (specially someone like Two) you keep having "what did you think about" and "did they mean to suggest .... " conversations. A good movie to watch with a movie mad 20 year old who you love to bits!

So it's now late. I have work tomorrow. I have had a few glasses of wine with the mediocre Chinese dinner and am having a glass of beer before I go to bed. I am not a beer drinker but it is so hot and when I went looking for soft drink the beer called to me. And it was a good call. Refreshing, not too sweet and will hopefully help me get to sleep. The minimum temp won't drop below 25degreesC. Just as well as Himself is in Sydney cos I will be bitching and whingeing all night long.

So.

I'm going to watch the end of Law and Order with Two and then I'm off to toss and turn in the heat. I didn't check the appointment book for work tomorrow and I have no idea how busy we are but we have good staff on so that will make it all OK.

A lovely Day

This is how I feel right now!!

Two, Three and I went to the shopping centre. Things were bought. Lunch was had. And then we saw Casino Royale. It was fantastic. Although I do have to question the intelligence of parents that dropped their kids off to see this movie. It is NOT a movie for under 10s. Trust me. I'd question even under 13's. It was a bloody good fillum though, in spite of the little ruffians that ran wild. Until a deep voice from behind us bellowed "QUIET"!!!!!! And then they settled down a bit. Finally a believable James Bond. I think Pierce Brosnan is very attractive but he ain't James Bond.

I then dropped Three off at the railway station cos his work rang and wanted him in to cover someone who had called in sick.

Himself is back doing the Sydney run so we dropped Two off at his girlfriend's place (she lives on the other side of town on the way to the airport). I don't usually drive Himself to the airport but his flight was a little later today and it was a good run.

Then home to water the garden. Even numbered houses can water between 6.00 and 8.00am and 8.00 and 10.00pm on Tuesdays and Saturdays. As I've said before we don't do a lot of watering but I just want to give the plants a fighting chance.

Dinner was pretty crap. Frozen sausage rolls (yuck) and garlic bread (double yuck), a couple of glasses of red wine (not the best vintage!!!) and I might heat a small christmas pud I found hiding in the cupboard. Yes, I'm clearing out the remainders of the Christmas Supplies!

I bought a Weight Watchers magazine. This could be dangerous! I could become another New Year statistic and rejoin for the umpteenth time.

LGF had her nose fixed today. One has taken three days off work to look after her. So far so good. She broke it when she was younger and was highly embarrassed about the lump. And had a twisted bit which made it hard to breathe. I think the lump was more of a concern than the twisted bit as it's the first I've heard about it but we all know about the lump! Whatever. I think that if there is a part of you that causes you concern and anguish (mental or physical) and you can get it fixed then go for it.

MizS ... Australia is HUUUGE and there are parts that are definitely hot and would be unbearable without aircon. Melbourne is quite tolerable most of the time but when it isn't you will hear me whinge and grizzle constantly.

And welcome to all those who have found my new home.

And on that note I think I'll call it a day. Think good thoughts for me tomorrow as I return to work.

And life gets back to normal

I love these trees. I took this photo last autumn after some rain (no, I still haven't put my new ones on the computer). These trees provide magnificent shade in summer and let the winter sun shine through. MizS asked if we had aircon. No, we don't. This is an ongoing bone of contention when the weather heats up but generally isn't a problem as the house takes a few days to get really hot and then we have a cool change. Usually. Also, it's a very open plan house and it would be hard to install aircon that would effectively cool the place. We could have done it when we were building but Himself was reluctant to spend the minimal amount of extra $$$ required and now the cost is prohibitive. See above comment re bone of contention!! I may chuck a mammoth hissy fit, however, and insist on a small unit in our bedroom if these godawful hot nights continue.

The cottage in the previous post is in a village in Sussex, England. My parents were from England but met in Africa. They married in England, I was born in Somalia, lived in Sierra Leone for a few years and then in Hong Kong. We came to Australia when I was 15. I really should get around to become an Australian citizen!! Maybe this year.

Himself started back at work today. I start back on Wednesday. Two went into uni and has some work over the next few weeks until it starts back properly and he will, hopefully, be an assistant. Lousy pay but it's something. And keeps him in the industry he is trying to break into.

The Mermaid and I had lunch together. We went to a cafe on the beach and had a lovely vegetarian tart with a superb glass of chardonnay from a Victorian, family owned winery. We then walked along the beach for a bit before coming home and sitting in the sun with a light beer. A most pleasant afternoon. We talked about the challenges of being middle aged and, in her case, trying to find a relationship. And the pain of dealing with children who are teetering on the edge of adulthood. And how difficult it is to find a friend with whom you can share everything. She and I are lucky to have such a friendship. I don't think there is anything that we couldn't tell each other, knowing that there will be no judgement, just understanding and acceptance and support. Very special.

I first ventured into the interactive internet back in 2000. I can't remember when we first connected to the internet but back then it was slooooooooooooow and can't really remember what we used it for. I suppose Himself played with it more. Anyway, in 2000 I was looking up Weight Watchers (the weight is still an issue!) and found their forum. And I was hooked. Over the years I have met many lovely people (and some very strange ones) and am part of a closeknit group of 5 women who communicate via email on a pretty regular basis. (I'm sure I've talked about this before but am too lazy to check back) Three of us live in Melbourne and we have all met up. One lives in Sydney and I met her in 2005 when I went up for a weekend with Himself. On Friday we get to meet the Queensland connection when Rhonda comes down for the tennis. Susan, Lisa, Rhonda and I will catch up at Crown for a few drinks and something to eat and lots and lots of talking. It's a shame that Jan can't get down from Sydney but we will be ringing her. We'll also get to meet Lisa's new baby, Chocolate Wee. (Actually it's Charlotte Maree but her sister couldn't get her tongue around that so Chocolate Wee she was named and as far as I'm concerned, that's who she is!!)

Himself is cooking dinner (I cooked last night, remember), Two is playing computer games, Three is on the way home from work and we may go to the movies tomorrow. All is well in my world.

And the weather is still pleasant .... bonus!!

A new week

This is the cottage that my maternal grandparents lived in. I stayed with them when I was on holidays from boarding school. My bedroom was to the right of the photo out of shot. The house was originally built about 600 years ago and had been added to many times over the centuries. My grandparents bought it in a state of great disrepair and turned it into a delightful home. It was surrounded by farmland and I would often wake to the lowing of cattle. If you went out the back gate you found yourself in a small wood which, in spring, was covered in bluebells and primroses. The house was quite isolated and my grandparents moved when it became too much for them. They have been dead nigh on 20 years and my brother recently went back to look at the old place and the woods and fields have gone and new subdivisions surround it.

The cool change has come through and life is much more pleasant although the temperatures will soar again by the middle of the week.

Today is the last day of Himself's holidays. And I go back to work on Wednesday. We are both a bit glum today.

Two and NGF are at the movies and Three is on his way home from work. I am planning chicken satay (thank you Mr Kantong!) and fried rice for dinner. The meat and veges have been chopped, rice cooked and chicken marinating for the rice. All I have to do now is cook it.

I hope to catch up with The Mermaid tomorrow otherwise a bludgy day. Might go to the movies. Three has Tuesday and Wednesday off and we plan to spend some time together on Tuesday and mull over his future. I think he his feeling a bit lost as his final exam results were not what he hoped for and he's not sure what to do this year. Also, Two had commanded quite a bit of our attention and Three is probably feeling a bit left out. It doesn't matter how old they are you still have to spread yourself around!

I can't find out if I can password protect my entries but I think I can have a blog which can only be read by people whose emails I list somewhere. I'll have a fiddle with it later in the week.

A couple of you, at least, have commented unfavourably on opendiary. Can someone tell me exactly what the problem was? And, MizS, I have done something with a setting somewhere which may let you do that thing you wanted to do!! As you can tell, I am very poorly educated with these things so bear with me as I learn how to drive this.

Have a good week.

greedy cyberspace has struck again

I wrote a long entry and the bloody thing disappeared.

Dot point version

• it's still hot
• I'm still complaining
• we had a drive in the country that was very pleasant
• Two heard from someone he feared he would never hear from again and all is good
• it's still hot
• we had coffee in the city and it was hot, noisy, dirty and depressing
• imagine cute photo of me as a baby
• it's still bloody hot
• I'm still really pissed off

Talk to you tomorrow.

It's been a week

I really need to upload some new photos. So you'll have to make do with this one from last year which may, or may not, have appeared on my old journal.

Anyway, as the title suggests, it's been a week since Two's fall from grace. And whilst some things are taking forever to get resolved (we are waiting for a phone call from someone who has a big say in what happens in the future and we don't want to hassle him cos we don't want to piss him off but by the same token we don't want him to forget and not put things in progress), other things have settled down. Two has emailed the contact given him by his elder brother and hopefully a job will come of it. If not, at least he's overcome hurdle #1 and sent off an email looking for work. Hurdle #2 will be The Interview.

It's still as hot as hot as hot. I ended up taking a sleeping tablet last night to help me get to sleep. I. Hate. The. Heat.

We went to the local shopping centre today (airconditioning!). Bought some more underwear on sale (very hard to get stuff that's my size that doesn't cost the earth - and I'm not THAT big! I feel for those women who are very overweight) and some new bedlinen. We needed a new fitted sheet so bought a new doona cover and pillow slips as well, for a smidge more than just the sheet would have cost if it were all not on sale. And I bought a t-shirt. On sale for $10. The same t-shirt I paid $16 for at the same shop, different centre on Wednesday! But I love the style so all is good.

Then off the to butcher to get some beef for dinner, then supermarket and home. To sit in the heat. And whinge and bitch and grizzle.

And there's nothing good on telly tonight, either.

Alright. I'm off. I'm going to see if I can pretend it's the middle of winter or something.

They have forecast a cool,wet change for tomorrow but the temperature will climb again at the beginning of the week. Oh joy. Heat AND humidity.

bitch grizzle whinge moan gripe complain cuss ........

It seems such a long time ago ...

I can't believe that this was taken less than two weeks ago. On Christmas Eve just before everyone arrived. I was very pleased with my decorations this season but couldn't wait to take everything down after everything went pear shaped last Friday. I just wanted to forget the whole Christmas thing.

It's still horribly hot. One and LGF went to the beach yesterday and she has gone again today but it was too hot for One. Which I'm quite pleased about as he has fair skin, blue eyes, blonde hair and burns, baby, burns. Even with sunscreen. So he dropped in for a while and has gone to visit a mate.

Two spent the night at NGF's place and came home today in a car which registered 40oC and doesn't have airconditioning which works. He is now veged out in front of the telly. We need to go and see the employment agencies and get some social workers involved and arrange for some counselling +/- anti-depressants.

Three didn't work today and jumped in the hot car to go and visit exGF. I really can't fathom that particular relationship. They were an item for about 12 months then split and she has another boyfriend but continues to ring/text/otherwise communicate with Three on a very regular basis at all hours of the day and night. He has had one girlfriend since and exGF was most jealous. I don't miss being a teenager one little bit!!

It has been too hot to do anything today. Himself and I went to a couple of Bunningses looking for deep saucers to place under our indoor plants. And we went to the supermarket. And that's about it. I know I should be doing Stuff but it's too darn hot to even think straight. I cannot, for the life of me, understand people who thrive in these conditions. Give me cold and rainy any day. With some clear, sunny days of about 26-28oC. (btw, I miss the superscript option in opendiary).

And because it's been too hot to do anything I don't have anything to write about!

I'm still looking for the perfect weight loss strategy. This morning I decided to go down the three meals a day, eat fresh, exercise a bit route but the old doubts surfaced about 30 seconds after I got out of bed. I wanted to buy some cereal this afternoon and spent a good 10 minutes trying to decide what to get. Low fat, low carb, high carb, toasted, raw, grains, nuts, fruit, high protein ..... I ended up getting a 5 grain weetbix. Which will be wrong for some reason or another. At least I've gone back to Taylor's Wholemeal bread after giving the family the 'luxury' of white bread whilst the littlies were here.

I am amazed at how much water we collect in our buckets when we shower. I have placed two buckets in each shower and we water plants with the contents. And I tip the cats' water into a jug on the bench when I refresh it for them and also add the runoff when waiting for the tap to run hot or cold. I realise that I should have been doing this before the really strict water restrictions came into play but at least I'm doing something and when the rains finally do arrive I think we will continue with these actions. And the silly thing is, we've never been big waterers in the garden. It lives or not according to what the climate delivers.

Is it me or is there a distinct lack of decent movies this season? I saw Happy Feet and was underwhelmed. The Prestige is a great movie and I look forward to seeing it again on DVD and I'm looking forward to seeing Casino Royale cos I love me some James Bond but other than that? There seems to be a sameness to too many films at the moment. Too much mediocrity and sticking with commercially successful formulae. Appealing to the lowest common denominator. Please feel free to disagree or recommend a good movie but if you do, give proper reasons not just the fact that so and so is in it. 'K? I'll watch just about anything 'cept horror. Or really violent scenes which I often find are unnecessary.

I'm off to check the weather forecast and see when we can expect a cool change. I want to get back onto the golf course. When I took last year's calendar down and checked through for things I need to transfer to this year's I remembered that we played a lot of golf this time last year.

Thanks to those who have left comments. I'm still finding my feet here and it's less lonely when you know someone is reading.

the heat the heat

I have never liked the beach. I have no memories of ever, ever, ever being thrilled with the prospect of sand in uncomfortable places, salt and the sea. As a wee lass I guess I didn't have a choice but I don't look overly impressed. This photo was probably taken somewhere in Africa. And I am guessing that someone else scratched around in the sand to make it look as if I was enjoying myself. My earliest memories are from about this time and I can never remember being overjoyed with the prospect of a Day at The Beach. We then ended up living in HongKong. And that only reinforced my revulsion with swimming in the sea. The pollution needed to be seen to be believed ... and that was back in the days before people had even heard about pollution. If you went into the water you spent the first few minutes brushing away the plastic, the fruit peel and other things that don't bear thinking about. And if I did persevere and get into slightly cleaner (i.e. deeper) water I would get dumped onto rocks or dragged into rips. And then we'd have the picnic lunch. I really believed that sandwiches were so named because of the sand you had to ingest.

Nearly 50 years after this photo was taken I still hate the beach. And I still hate the heat.

And Melbourne is doing Hot too well. It's only early January for heaven's sake. There is a chance of a cool change at the weekend.

I applied for 2 weeks's annual leave over this Christmas/New Year period. Whenever I have worked I have always had to work over this time. So last year I thought I'd take the time off. And I have found out that I have missed .....NOTHING! Himself often has this time off and I thought it would be nice to have the time together. Never again. I will save my annual leave for later in the year when it is a) cooler b) quieter c) cheaper and d) something to look forward to that isn't tainted by the emotions generated at this time of year.

I'm glad that I have been around to support Two. At the risk of continuing to sound secretive (for which I apologise) I cannot go into any great detail as to the circumstances until I know that I can password protect occasional entries.

Suffice to say, each day is a day further down the track. The next hurdle is getting him a job.

'Nuff of that.

Like so many people at this time of year, I need to lose some weight. A lot of weight. I have tried so many different diets/lifestyle changes/eating programmes/deprivation by any other name and am back where I have always been at this time of year. A bit heavier than I was this time last year. Disillusioned with what I've tried in the past and eager to find The Key to Permanent Weight Loss Success. I have invested so much money over the years. I have meal replacement sachets in the cupboard, protein supplements on MY food shelf (yes I have a shelf for foods that only I am allowed to eat .... does that not shriek "EATING DISORDER" or what?). I have a library of diet books. And I nearly bought more today ('tis the season for new diet books to hit the shelves at a discount price) but Himself shook his head and muttered "not another one" ... even though it was Book Two of one I already have. OK. I haven't actually followed the program in book one but, hell's bells, if there is a book two then surely I need to add it to the collection to make book one work?

On the other hand we could create our own weight loss programme. The Sparkling Merlot Miraculous Method to Minimise and Maintain Marvellous .... somethings! I'm looking for a diet/lifestyle change/eating programme/deprivation by any other name that lets me eat without care, drink without concern and exercise very little. I am also smart enough to realise that such a beast doesn't exist. (And I am smart ... I did an online IQ test and came up with over 130 .... that has to count for something. Doens't it?)

My big problem is that I have tried so many ways to lose weight, many of them contradictatory, that I am totally confused. I get up in the morning and think "wholemeal toast with an egg" ... uh uh, no, carbs are bad. OK, skip the toast, go the egg and some veges ... um, what's the fat content? Alright. Let's forget breakfast (another conversation there and then). Morning tea or nothing til lunch time. And should I have coffee (caffeine - good? bad?). Fruit? A hardboiled egg? Sod it. Let's move on to lunch. Wholemeal sandwich with protein and salad but noooooo fat? Or lots of salad with avocado and a low carb dressing but no bread/pasta/pita? OK. By this time I'm starving so I'll go the salad. Fits into most diets/etc. Afternoon tea. Blood sugar probably low. Lots of chocolate around at work. Have one and count the points? Have one but make sure it's 80% cocoa and therefore low carb? Have nothing and get cranky? Too hard ... have a Cadbury's minature. Home for dinner. The wine cask is cold and beckons. There are some crisps in the pantry. Not sure how many will be home for dinner (could be 1 or 2 or could be 8). And which diet/etc. was I following today? Can't remember? Whichever one it was I've blown it somehow. So bring on the wine, the chippies, the pizza/fish and chips/hamburgers, or create a healthy stirfry (with lots of rice) or a curry (with lots of cream but no rice) and eat too much or not enough ........... Go to bed feeling like crap, a failure and weak. And spend the last few minutes before I fall asleep trying to decide which diets/lifestyle changes/eating programmes/deprivation by any other name I will follow tomorrow.

Any suggestions?

a photo or two

Still playing around with this ......

Now I know I can put photos here, just need to know how to place them in the right place.

day 2

I tried to put a photo here yesterday but it seemed to take forever. It's not the most important thing but I do like to be able to put up piccies cos I love seeing other peoples'.

I still don't know about the password stuff so may not stay here. But so far so good. So I'd better go and let people know where I'm hiding!!

Today Himself, Two and I played nine holes of golf. And I won. Go Me!! And I beat Himself yesterday! Tomorrow we should probably play a longer course although Two will most likely be visiting NGF.

The good thing about the golf was the opportunity to talk with Two. He asked me at one point what were the side effects of anti-depressants. He's happy to go and chat to someone about his depression and acknowledges that this contributed to his current situation.

I need to know how, if possible, to password certain entries. Can anyone shed any light on this?

Himself is cooking hamburgers, Two is playing computer games and Three is at work. Life is sort of returning to normal.

And at the end of the day? I have my son. He has his health. My heart breaks for those who have lost a child or whose child has done something irrevocably wrong.

A new year and a new home

Happy New Year!

This year has to be better than the last.

Himself and I played 9 holes of golf and I beat him by 2 strokes!

One and LGF are over for dinner.

Two is home. Feeling a bit fragile, still, but we're getting there. He may join us for 9 holes of golf tomorrow ... if the drought doesn't break!

Three has been out and about. He's only had his driving licence since last Wednesday and is enjoying just being able to .... go!

Himself is cooking dinner as I write so I'd better go and set the table.

Do I have the option to password protect any entries with blogger? That really is the main criteria for wherever I end up.