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You: Untraditionally handsome, bespectacled, sharp-nosed man's man who found my iPhone in the back of your Uber 2 minutes later on your way home. Your name is Kevin.
You: "I have no idea what's wrong with your phone. It was in my pocket the whole night. My iPhone is just fine. Are you sure it wasn't full of water when you left it in the Uber?"
What exactly was the trigger which caused you or someone within arm's reach of a stranger's purple-encased iPhone to dunk it in a bucket of water?
My working theory is that you used my iPhone to take ♥♥♥♥ pics until you realized my phone is locked and you couldn't delete them.