Jokes for Today

~ A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, "Well, what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.!"

~ At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair.? Apparently the correct answer was Africa.!!! Who knew?

~ Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

 ~ I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I replied, "You're pulling my leg!"

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Good night!

Philosophies of Little Boy - Part 2

Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Philosophies of Little Boy - Part 1

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Silly Jokes for Today

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

Today's Thoughts

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole.
3. If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve problems, but then, neither does milk.

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Source: BayiSingh of Africa
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Jokes for Today: Seeking Peter

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two Prostitutes" $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them??'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to freedom of religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two professionals driving with another large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read the new sign:

"Two Fallen Angels"
Seeking Peter -- $50

***

Jokes from Malaysian Court of Law

Extract of the TBH Coroner's inquiry between Malaysian Prosecutor and the forensic expert from Thailand.

Abdul Razak representing the Public Prosecutor's Office
Dr. Porntip Rojanasunand Thai pathologist.
__________________________________

ABDUL RAZAK: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
PORNTIP: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ABDUL RAZAK: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
PORNTIP: All of them...The living ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________

ABDUL RAZAK: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
PORNTIP: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ABDUL RAZAK: And Teoh Beng Hock was dead at the time?
PORNTIP: If he was not dead, he would be dead by the time I finished autopsy.

ABDUL RAZAK: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
PORNTIP: No.

ABDUL RAZAK: Did you check for blood pressure?
PORNTIP: No.

ABDUL RAZAK: Did you check for breathing?
PORNTIP: No.

ABDUL RAZAK: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
PORNTIP: No.

ABDUL RAZAK: How can you be so sure, doctor?
PORNTIP: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ABDUL RAZAK: I see, but could the patient be still alive nevertheless?
PORNTIP: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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INTELLECTUAL DISCOURSE ...

Sunday night tales

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Doctor: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Teoh was dead at the time?
Doctor: If not, he was by the time I finished.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
DR: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
DR: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
DR: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WDR: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
DR: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
DR: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there with my legs wide.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Vivienne?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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sent to me by Stanley

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Easter Joke

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, 'why ' ?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife ' s here with his lunch"

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Contributed by: Saw Ewe

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Thoughts for today

Ah Beng : Everybody thinks I'm "GOD"

Wife: How do you know??

Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,

Oh GOD! U have come again.

Joke: Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

****

Sexy Joke

Oral Sex Survey Results

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about Oral Sex:

a. 2% liked the warmth.
b. 1% enjoyed the sensation.
c. 97% loved the silence.

***********************
Reported by: Anon.

Secretary made Boss dickless

Secretary accidentally bites off boss’ penis
Reported by The Star


A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.

Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.

The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover’s organ.

The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.

To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.

The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.

“On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.

After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said.

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

Source: The Star - your daily newspaper

*********************
Moral of the Lesson:

Blowjob is a crime in Malaysia. Please stop illegal blowing. Use your mouth for food and drinks only ... and cigarettes.

If you should need a blow, use chewing gum or hairblower.

********************************************************

April Fool Days for Athiest

The Athiest, His Idiot Attorney, and the Judge!

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'

The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'

The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and now leave my courtroom!

Joke: Blonde Needs Curtains for Window

A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

***

3 Wishes of Bear & Rabbit

Tale: Blonde flight to Melbourne

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her Ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use.

And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry; I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

Tale: Model Sues Doctor

Warning:

If you don't want the devil to tempt you with forbidden fruit,
you had better keep out of my orchard.

- Doug Barnett




Model sues plastic surgeon in Mexico for not making her nipples even after a breast implant.

The doctor said, "They looked good to me!"

Joke: A can of peas

Shoplifting
--------------

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, ' What is it? '

The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'

***

Moral of the story: Husband always respect the rule of law.

***

Is that right?

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Sex is Merchandised

What does the picture of the girls tells you?

They are protesting against Sex Tourism.

The message: Sex is not a Merchandise!

Is that true?

Well, see below and relate it: