The Six O'Clock Follies Wonder Woman

So here's a trivial bit of stocking stuffer: I'm checking out a post on one of my favorite surviving blogs, Armagideon Time about an early '80s media magazine, and he happens to embed the opening credits to The Six O'Clock Follies. It sounds like a sort of proto-Good Morning, Vietnam except done as a half-hour sitcom and absent any political objection to the war (plus it featured a very young Laurence Fishburne instead of a seven years less young Forest Whitaker.) Anyway, at the tail end of this already very odd and probably rather offensive-in-its-inoffense dealio, out comes Aarika Wells as a weather girl wearing the Cathy Lee Crosby Wonder Woman costume from 1974. Sure, it's been modified (covered the embroidered golden eagle on the left breast with a U.S. flag patch) and re-accessorized (ditched the bracelets, belt and blue tights; traded black vinyl boots for white go-gos) but that hideous red vest-skirt-thing with star-spangled blue sleeves and yellow trim is unmistakable. It just goes to show how far geek culture has come that there was a time folks could get away with treating a super-heroine costume as just another garment in studio wardrobe to be recycled.

2013 Wonder Woman Spec Short by Rainfall Films

WONDER WOMAN // RAINFALL FILMS
Director: Sam Balcomb
Producer: Jesse Soff
Production Co: Rainfall Films

The Amazon warrior from Themyscira does battle with men and monsters in this new short project from Rainfall Films. Starring Rileah Vanderbilt, the film was a passion project from all involved; a unique take on the DC superhero beloved and respected by millions around the world.

I came upon this through a write-up by Devin Faraci, and agreed with his assessment.

2013 “Death And Return Of Superman Pitch” by Max Landis

Writer/Director Max Landis' fan film "The Death and Return of Superman" was an internet hit, not to mention very funny and ultimately insightful. A year after its release, Landis claims to have been approached by DC to do an actual comic version of the basic premise for the New 52 as a weekly series with Greg Pak, but scheduling got in the way. Instead, Landis shared his aborted ideas for the project in a forty-three minute verbal telling (with NSFW language.)

I get a kick out of Landis' YouTube videos, because he's a natural raconteur with a gift for telling a story conversationally. On the other hand, I'm glad the project never made it further than this, because while there are some neat touches, this tale falls into the same trap as most Doomsday stories. In essence, the entire DC Universe gets thrown under the bus to make Superman look better than anyone else, but since that only works when you game the plot, picking apart the holes is child's play.

Also, to pass judgment on Superman creators, they rarely have the imagination to come up with a credible resolution. I mean, they choose to write the most magnificentest super-duper dude with every power who can't be hurt, so their main job is to find ways to forestall an inevitability. Landis made a big show of mocking the "fratboy punch face" from the original 1992 story, but he has Superman pick up a bit of unfinished business from Wonder Woman and tag-out Doomsday. Worse, the story goes on from there, without even the illusion of a death and resurrection for the Man of Steel, plus a second anticlimax as an additional foe is introduced. I liked Chronicle as much as the next guy, but no, you don't get to breeze out of Hollywood, break Wonder Woman like a twig, jump on Superman's jock, and collect an Eisner.

2013 "First Impressions" short film

What happens when your day job gets in the way of your new relationship?

Starring Hailey Bright, Chester See and Doug Jones

Directed by Leo Kei Angeleos

Written by George H. Ruiz & Leo Kei Angelos

Produced by George H Ruiz

Original music by Glen Cheney

2012 Will's War Episode 7- "Wonder Woman: How To Make A Kick-Ass Movie After Justice League"

This is a solid enough plea, if a bit broad, base and oversimplified. Then again, my own take was a bloated manifesto, so what do I know?

2013 Wonder Woman “Female Super Hero Fan Film”

Female Super Hero Fan Film from Jesse V. Johnson on Vimeo.

Could have done without the butt shots, but the costume is reasonably accurate, and I'll take it if the moneymaker leads to the filmmaking. Despite the budgetary restrictions, I've seen super-hero feature films *cough*steel*cough* with lower production values. Dig the homage to the "Red For Death!" airplane versus machine gun cover to The New Wonder Woman #189! Dude-- Peter Stormare, dude! Featuring Nina Bergman as the Amazing Amazon and Timothy V. Murphy as a mighty damned handsome Nazi, as directed by Jesse V. Johnson.

1976 Wonder Woman Season One Animated Opening Theme

Animated Anthem Day

• Aquaman @ The Aquaman Shrine
• Hawkman @ Being Carter Hall
• Swamp Thing @ The BLOG from the BOG
• Booster Gold @ BOO$TERRIFIC
• Plastic Man & the Marvel Family @ DC Bloodlines
• Firestorm @ Firestorm Fan
• Superman @ Fortress of Baileytude
• Martian Manhunter @ The Idol-Head of Diabolu
• Green Lantern @ The Indigo Tribe
• The Vixen @ Justice League Detroit
• The Brave and the Bold @ Mail It To Team-Up
• The Atom @ Power of the Atom
• The Flash @ Speed Force
• Supergirl @ Supergirl Comic Box Commentary
• Watchmen @ Superhero Shows
• Doctor Fate @ Tower of Fate

There are a lot of conspiracy theories surrounding the reasons for the lack of Wonder Woman in movies, television, and animation. For instance, Warner Bros. Animation announced that there would be no sequel to the 2009 Wonder Woman DC Universe Animated Original Movie. The rational given by Bruce Timm? "We had originally planned to do sequels for Wonder Woman and Green Lantern, but Wonder Woman’s sales started out extremely slow and then over time were eventually able to catch up to probably Justice League Frontier. The Execs decided because it wasn’t able to sell quickly right away, whereas Justice League was, that there wouldn’t be any more female super hero films right now. We were developing and hoping to get started on a Batgirl film based on Year One, but because of Wonder Woman’s slow sales start, that won’t be happening now."

Never mind that Wonder Woman remains the 4th bestselling movie of the line in dollars and units sold, earning nearly half again over any of the Justice League movies, and selling 100,000 copies more than the most popular Green Lantern D2DVD. Even more galling is the fact that it was the first and remains the only Wonder Woman cartoon... ever! Her first animated appearance was on an episode of The Brady Kids in 1972, with Super Friends arriving the following year. Wonder Girl Donna Troy beat her by five years through appearances in three segments of "Teen Titans" on 1967's The Superman/Aquaman Hour of Adventure. Well, at least we had three seasons of the Wonder Woman live action TV series, rivaled only by Batman in the catchiness of the theme and the spiffyness of the limited animation opening...

The next time the New 52 Wonder Woman hacks somebody to pieces with a sword, think about how little that jibes with her own theme song lyrics (by Norman Gimbel and Charles Fox, as performed by the New World Symphony...)

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
All the world is waiting for you,
and the power you possess.
In your satin tights,
Fighting for your rights
And the old Red, White and Blue.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
Now the world is ready for you,
and the wonders you can do.
Make a hawk a dove,
Stop a war with love,
Make a liar tell the truth.

Wonder Woman,
Get us out from under,
Wonder Woman.
All our hopes are pinned upon you.
And the magic that you do.
Stop a bullet cold,
Make the Axis fold,
Change their minds, and change the world.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.

There's a bunch of content crossover in this multi-blog-- um-- crossover, so I avoided advertising the 1967 Teen Titans intro with Wonder Girl Donna Troy. However, why don't we watch it, too...

Here come the Teen Titans, a quartet of towering talent! Kid Flash, whose speed defies the eye to follow! Wonder Girl, swift and powerful super lass! Speedy, whose fantastic arrows perform awesome feats! Aqualad, bold and daring marine marvel! Fabulous foursome for right against might! The Teen Titans!

1966 Wonder Woman "The Return of Brunhilde" Audio Play

Taken from the Sythetic Plastics Company's Wonder Woman 45RPM record is this dumb loungey theme song and a "Power Records" style story (sans comic book and any other semblance of comparable quality.) Is it terrible? Yes it is. In what way? It stars an imbecilic Steve Trevor pitted against the worst Nazi accents you may ever hear, and "Diane" Prince doesn't even get mentioned until nearly four minutes into the 7¼ minute story. It takes another minute for Prince to become much of an active participant, and Wonder Woman herself doesn't show until around the six minute mark. Both sides were offered the same year on the Tifton LP Songs and Stories About the Justice League of America, and Power Records repackaged it with swank Neal Adams artwork in 1975.





Thanks to Shag for inspirado!

2011 Wonder Woman TV Show Logo and Costume

I wasn't going to post about the recent developments on the Wonder Woman TV show, but then I remembered that this blog really needs to whore up some hits, so here's the spread:

Logo for the 2011 TV series, photographed by Geoffrey Prince, and edited by Andy Mangels. Courtesy of Bleeding Cool. Click To Enlarge


Anyone trying to suffocate an urge to break out into a verse of "Freebird?" Nothing sells female empowerment like the complete absence of capitalization and random shitty stars in the "o" holes, like we're looking at Wonder Woman's "pimped" MySpace page. No sparkles? That's so 2001. I especially hate how the red star unbalances the color and paints Diana as a godless commie, because I assure you the neo-cons will be all over the absence of white (the Curse of Heimdall strikes again!) and the downplaying of any ties to the U.S.A. Look, I'm all for the world singing together in harmony under the U.N. banner, but Marston's Amazons were on America's jock faster than Diana was on Steve's. Wonder Woman's tits birthed a bald eagle for forty years, and she was enlisted in the U.S. military. Whitewashing her patriotic imagery is as absurd as Holocaust denials, except for the part about that being a horribly offensive, insensitive and ghoulish thing to say.

First image of Adrianne Palicki starring as the title character in the new NBC pilot “Wonder Woman,” from DC Universe: The Source blog. Click To Enlarge


This reminds me of that time Donna from "That 70s Show" dressed as a thinly veiled knock-off during a "Super Friends" parody, except her costume looked hotter, more accurate, and had higher production values. Hell, the various Wonder Woman porn parodies have looked better than this using prefab unlicensed store bought costumes. Dare I say it-- the much ridiculed Jim Lee design for the JMS story, from which this suit borrows elements, looks better.

How many things are wrong with this picture?

1. Adrianne Palicki: This is supposed to be the heir to Lynda Carter? She had better act her ass off, because everyone from Charisma Carpenter to Jennifer Love Hewitt looked the part more than this chick, and they would have been awful.
2. The Tiara: I thought they stopped putting cheap plastic toys in cereal boxes. No little girl or grown fangirl would ever want to wear that thing.
3. The Corset: The shiny pleather looks cheap as hell, and the poorly designed cake mold stapled to the chest is ridiculous.
4. The "Girdle": It isn't functional, it isn't attractive, and it makes me think the Amazon Princes is pulling back her drape-like labia to reveal a star-shaped clitoris with a seriously pronounced hood. This is almost as much a gynecological nightmare as the Chyna sex video.
5. The Bracelets: Probably the least awful element, aside from the stupid branding and the fact they look like silver painted tubes from a shrink wrap roll.
6. The Pants: Didn't Olivia Newton John wear a pair of those in "Xanadu?" Or am I thinking of her layover in country music when it was briefly popular in the early '80s? Am I alone in thinking Wonder Woman shouldn't have such a prominent crotch seam, or remind me of stuff my mom would have worn to "kicker" night?
7. The Boots: I wanna be a cowgirl? The saddest, dumbest part of the ensemble. Red boots sell themselves, while these things collect dust in the back of a tranny-friendly store's clearance shelf. It's bad enough that Wonder Woman is working at advertising for Whataburger now, but that cheesy copper stripe is truly the shit stain on this design.
8. It's Full of Stars: What housefrau in a flyover state bedazzled this turd to within an inch of its man made fabric? Everything is a stylized "W" or a five pointed star. I would have trouble finding a single Project: Rooftop proposal that was more gaudy or ill-considered.

Who looks better, Adrianne Palicki or Alessandra Torresani? A film studio backed the development of one, and the other was off the rack. Why must they always fix what isn't broken? All of the basics have been consistent with Superman and Batman from the serials to the present, but they always dick with Wonder Woman, and everything goes Cathy Lee Crosby. In short, this show has a silly, campy script carrying a lot of bad ideas with dubious assets beyond the casting of Liz Hurley as Veronica Cale, one of the least original Wonder Woman villains in her history. Yeah, this is going to work.

UPDATE: Bleeding Cool has collected ten Photoshop "fixes" from across the web, and every single one is better than the TV version. All but one of them involve red boots, and many wipe the whore off her lips. My favorite is by Alex Wright, because the tiara and the girdle were repaired and the excess of stars was toned down. You can see them all here.

2011 M·A·C WONDER WOMAN Animated Commercial

Utilizing the promotional art of Michael Allred, M·A·C Cosmetics created a sort of motion comic to advertise their new Wonder Woman line. A bit too much motion for my aging eyes in fact, so I wish they'd used voice actors instead of making me try to read restless and swiftly exiting captions and dialogue balloons. The story is no more involved than a 1970s Hostess ad though, so it's not like you have to actually follow the narrative intently. Medusa is ugly, so she wants all the women of the world to be her plain looking slaves. Wonder Woman shields her beautiful self against petrifying fug of lore, and insures the female population will continue to paint their faces like clowns in a desperate bid for acceptance in Man's World. Throw in a burka, and it's Sarah Palin's platform for 2012.

2011 The Toons talk Wonder Woman by Fictionskin

NSFW: Foul Language

David E. Kelley's proposed Wonder Woman series has been picked up by NBC. The 'toons weigh in.

2010 Funny or Die Video: A Date with Diana (NSFW)

A Date with Diana from Maggie Lawson

Dating can be tough... especially when you're dating a superhero. James has wanted a date with Diana all his life - but he quickly learns that sometimes the women of our dreams aren't as wonderful as we might have hoped. Even if they're Wonder Woman.

Starring:
Maggie Lawson as Diana
Derek Richardson as James

Written & Directed by Matthew Cole Weiss at an estimated budget of $6,000. Four minutes of crude humor and NSFW language. Hey, she's an Amazon, not a debutant, and it's mildly amusing.

2010 Wonder Woman XXX: A Hardcore Parody Trailer

The delude of post-Batman XXX porn parodies has finally reached the 1970s Wonder Woman TV show. I had to edit the solicitation copy, and there's some salacious elements in the video (rubbing/cleavage/pantyshot/clothed peener,) but this is still safe enough for home viewing (although work may fire your ass.)

The Iraqi government has once again penetrated US soil and has sent their top spy to infiltrate America's most lucrative business, the Porn Industry. Through the help of a sultry US informant, the Iraqi spy has gained access to California's biggest porn production sets in order to steal their secrets and bring them back home. There is only one person that can stop the Iraqi insurgence. There is only one person who can make a man crumble to his knees and beg for mercy, Wonder Woman. Will the Iraqi spy succeed in his mission to rip off America's beloved porn or will he succumb to the wealth and riches of the most sought after p☆☆☆☆ on the planet. Will Wonder Woman save the day or are her powers futile against the terrorist attacks of the Iraqi infidels.

STARRING
Carolyn Reese
Tori Black
Mikey Butders
Diamond Foxxx
Bill Bailey
Anthony Rosano
Gracie
Ralph Long

UPDATE 12/24/2010:

One of the more welcoming adult sites on the internet is Fleshbot. After all, it's got a pink background, female writers, and the option of viewing with or without gay content. The site has added an uncomplimentary review Mile High Media's latest release, and I thought I'd offer an edited excerpt as an addendum here. I'm not comfortable linking directly to a porn site through a PG-13 blog, especially since there are stills from the production on the page, but that's what your search engine is for, right?

"Wonder Woman XXX" suffers from some of the same problems that "Red Riding Hood XXX" did: misspellings, terrible acting, and a criminally underused titular character.

Most of the time and energy that goes into this movie is spent drawing out the overly elaborate (though somewhat amusing) plot. Iraqi Anthony Rosano sends Iraqi Mikey Butders to Chatsworth, California, to steal porn production secrets with the help of a military spy, Carolyn Reese. Mikey's plane crashes on Wonder Woman's island, where her mother, Diamond Foxx, cares for the boy... Mikey goes on his way, ends up working on a porn set with Gracie Glam and Bill Bailey, and starts learning about smut. Wonder Woman follows him to California, tells General Ralph Long, and they bust Anthony, Mikey, and Carolyn.

My biggest beef with Ms. Brooke's movie has to be the mishandling of Wonder Woman. It's not Tori's fault at all—she's adorable yet powerful... it's just that she only has one sex scene. Just one! ...Sadly, the only power Wonder Woman shows off is the ability to make people fall asleep by touching their foreheads. That's it. Do you know how many powers Wonder Woman has had over the years? More importantly, where was the golden lariat? How can they not take advantage of the bondage angle?

I wasn't planning on seeing this even before the sorry review, just as I've yet to "enjoy" any of these new super-hero porn parodies. Still, if there's one area Wonder Woman should totally rule the roost, it's in the female performer dominated adult industry. I guess there's always that Justice League movie, but somehow, blowing all the Super Friends at once doesn't exactly scream "empowered heroine," does it?

The Top 5 Silver Swan Covers

Introduced in the early '80s during Roy Thomas & Gene Colan's run on the latest "new" Wonder Woman, Helen Alexandros was an ugly duckling with divinity in her heritage that was granted powers by Ares to wage war on the Amazing Amazon. After a couple of early success, Silver Swan was defeated by Princess Diana, and her granted powers withdrawn.

George Pérez revived the character Post-Crisis as Valerie Beaudry, a deformed girl turned beautiful and deadly powerful by Henry Cobb Armbruster's industrial resources. Beaudry was eventually convinced by Wonder Woman and friends that Armbruster was using her for his own twisted ends, and retired her super-villainous identity.

Vanessa Kapatelis was one of a long list of Wonder Woman supporting characters tossed aside to make room for an incoming creative team's soon to be similarly forgotten replacement cast. She was brought back as the most current Silver Swan through a group effort of WW foes, and she has the greatest emotional impact of all the Swans due to her prior relationship with Diana.

• 5) Wonder Woman #42 (May, 1990)
• 4) Wonder Woman #290 (April, 1982)
• 3) Wonder Woman #16 (May, 1988)
• 2) Wonder Woman #201 (April, 2004)
• 1)Wonder Woman #15 (April, 1988)

More of Today's Cover Countdowns!

• The Top 10 Amazo Covers
• The Top 5 Major Force Covers
• The Top 17 Lobo Covers