a rising hope

I feel hope rise more and more with a new ability to look ahead without fear.  Gaining confidence I lost when I lost him.  Growing strong where the weak and fragile places existed.   Ceasing to be swayed by the unpredictability of the wind. 

Vulnerability can be staggering ... strength and courage has to be found somewhere within.

Though I question, God gave us what we could handle I guess.  I mean, I'm still here.  And him?  I still think of how he "handled" it all.  How could I ever forget?  Words escape me in describing it.  It's locked into my brain and seared into my soul.  The strength.... only God could have been the source.   It changed me.   I was a witness and I was a part of it.  It rearranged my psyche.   My perspectives will be forever altered.   

I've learned.  I've learned so much.  I don't even feel like the same person.  At times I thought I was hardening.  A rock.  But when that rock shattered it came back together soft and pliable with a deeper understanding of others, of life... and of myself.


Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott

Kindness, like a boomerang, always returns. ~Author Unknown

 

thoughts for today

Why NOT us? Why not a big fat miracle? We aren't that different than anyone else who has asked God for healing.  We know he can. I am asking. Why NOT us?

I've been changed. Totally. I'll  never be the same. Did He have to completely break my heart into thousands of tiny pieces? Is that how hard I had become? Or was in danger of becoming? 

Appreciate. Don't take precious times, moments, for granted. Never feel entitled to anything. So much in life is a precious gift.

What if?  Just musing.  But what if what everyone believed DID come true? What if you believed in God and had faith he would bring you to heaven some day and He did! And what if you had no faith, no trust and believed in nothing... and you got... a great big NOTHING. What if you believed you'd be a star up in the sky... and that's just what you became.... I choose to believe in Jesus and his redemption.  I choose to believe God is real and loves me and has a bigger better brighter more fabulous future for me and my loved ones. Bigger than I could ever imagine.

It was a tough day. Sometimes we just have to be strong for someone else. Helping them to have the faith and hope to go on. And sometimes someone has to believe for us when our strength and hope is  hollow.  I am so glad for those who stand in the gap for me... It renews my faith and gives me strength to not lose heart.

drought

What a summer it's been.  The days have been hot and dry.  One after another.  Seemingly endlessly the same.    There is a drought here.  Still.  And there has been a bit of a spiritual drought in my life as well.

This summer has often mirrored my inner feelings.  The sun has unmercifully dried our land and it's a struggle to not let it dry my spirit of hope as well.

I am comforted by the thought that the rains WILL come.  The parched land will drink up the nourishment and come to life again.  Refreshment is sweet... and often comes when we think we just can't hang on a moment longer.

It's been a challenge not to complain about the scorching heat.  God wants me to trust him in the dry times.  Oh, how hard it's been though.  I hate the thought of complaining about LIFE ... meaning ... any day that God gives us to live and breathe.  Because life is a gift.

I'm learning it's important to be true to myself.  Even in my blogging.  The moment I write to simply please someone else my words become hollow.  Saying what you think and feel and getting out of your comfort zone leads to a satisfying life.

If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive.  ~Eleonora Duse

a soul's growth

As I read words by C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed I'm strangely comforted by a man who was such a great apologist for Christianity and yet still wrestled with his faith during a time of great suffering.

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't... He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

Wow.

“When you are happy, so happy you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels— welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.”

I have felt this silence. And I have felt something even worse then anger toward God. What is worse is doubting that He even exists and that this life is all there is. Because if we doubt He exists where is our hope?

There are things we cannot learn any other way but to "go through it." I loved when my children were little and I seemed to have the power to kiss a boo boo and make the pain go away. Make it all better. But life is seldom that simple.

I've always believed one of our greatest callings is to help take the sting out of life for someone else. To help by our words, by a touch, by a kind gesture or loving support.

Deep thoughts. But they are mine tonight. And admitting our doubts, as I have been told, is part of our soul's growth.

I'm hoping.

a gentle breeze

I believe there is so much more than just the “seen”.  I believe in God though I cry out to Him and express my confusion.  And angels. And spiritual forces. I know there is a power at work in the world.  But I still question.  I’m not gullible.  I’m not quick to believe everything I hear.  I’m a bit of a skeptic. 

That’s why I think what happened last night is pretty remarkable.

Earlier in the week, on Wednesday night, Edd and I hightailed it to the ER, because he got very sick.  Long (ever so long) story short, he had an intestinal blockage.  The doctors didn’t know the reason.  Because of previous surgeries he’s had it could be caused by any number of things.  Adhesions.  Scar tissue.  More cancer.  Chemo medication side effects.  Change of diet … or a combination of these things.  Days went by with no change… and he got sicker to the point where a tube was put through the nose to the stomach to remove fluid that kept piling up and making him sick.

After four days my hope was hanging on by a thread.  He hadn’t eaten for five days. I went home to bed last night full of despair and dread not knowing how this was going to play out.  I got down on my knees before crawling into bed and had little strength to mouth a prayer but muttered, “Please God”, and cried “Mercy”, and …. just bowed in silent submission… That was all I had left in me.
At 4 am I awakened.  I felt peaceful, then remembering the situation, the reality, felt the same dread wash over me like a wave of the ocean.  It was very real and very physical.  I got up and pleaded more to God. It’s all I knew to do.  I couldn’t go back to sleep.  A little after 6 am I received a text from Edd saying the blockage was finally relieving.  Finally his body was responding and beginning to work properly again.   It was the miracle we could only hope for!  We were amazed and thankful to God.. and expressed it verbally to one another over the phone.  My body was profoundly physically relieved and I felt an enormous heavy weight lifted.  I experienced an amazing … REST.

Later when Edd’s mom (who is visiting now) woke, I excitedly told her the good news and she expressed another event that occurred overnight. “I woke up at 4:30 and it was as if fireworks went off in front of me. I saw hundreds of little feathers flowing down from the sky, fluttering…. lots of little feathers… it was a very vivid experience”.  My mother-in-law is a religious person, but very no-nonsense.  I said perplexed… “you woke at 4:30?  I woke abruptly at 4… What a ‘coincidence’.”
Edd said the change within him had occurred between 2 and 6 am.

If that wasn’t remarkable enough to me, I was even more convinced of Divine intervention when Edd revealed his own experience.  Immediately after he realized the obstruction was removed, he cried out from his hospital bed, “Thank you God!” with intense earnestness.  At that moment he felt a wind on the top of his head and a gentle brushing, a fluttering… There have been no breezes in this hospital room.  There is no fan blowing air around. My husband is an engineer.  He is not one to see things that aren’t there.  He’s very analytical.  He BELIEVES it was an affirmation of God at work and His presence.



I do too.

(This is a special and heart-felt THANK YOU to all those who are praying for us.  You know who you are… and I am most appreciative.)

renewed hope

Hope is a wonderful thing.

Recently I read...."In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments."  ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human, 1878



HOW WRONG!!!!!!! NO! NO! NO!

Being hopeful changes things!

I was listening to my XM radio yesterday and a program was on that I found facinating about optimism. The author being interviewed was highly intelligent and spoke clearly and understandably... always good for me. She wrote a book called Optimism Bias that sparked my interest. I don't even know if it's a good book yet, but I will be looking into it first chance I get because it has already changed my perspective.

“The science of optimism, once scorned as an intellectually suspect province of pep rallies and smiley faces, is opening a new window on the workings of human consciousness. What it shows could fuel a revolution in psychology, as the field comes to grips with accumulating evidence that our brains aren’t just stamped by the past. They are constantly being shaped by the future.” ~ Tali Sharot

She made the comment that realism isn't always very good for our health!

I am not one to deny what is and live in a fairy-tale world, but I do know that being positive is very important... Oh, how I have struggled with it lately.

But today. TODAY my hope is renewed!

And today began with good news for a change... Thanking GOD for that!
*

Now

Seasons come.  Seasons go.   Right now we are in my least favorite season here in Texas.  Especially when there is a drought.  It’s just hot, hot, HOT every day without seemingly an end to it.  I THRIVE in the cool crisp air that comes with autumn.  My soul comes alive when the cool air finally swooshes through taking the hot, stuffy air of summer away with it to some far-off land.

But what if there wasn’t the brutal scorching heat of these summer days?  Would the fall breezes be as welcoming?  Would I delight as much if every day was a picture-perfect fresh assault to my senses?

I sometimes hear others say things like, “I can’t wait until the summer is over” or some version of “It will be nice when x, y, or z finally arrives.”

I understand it completely.  I’ve said it myself countless times.  But now I catch myself.  I’m trying to hurry up time.  I’m wanting it to speed along till the next better thing… But I really don’t want to hurry time along.  I want to enjoy NOW.  You see, there is a luxury in thinking you have all the time in the world.  There is a luxury in complaining about today and not living in it…not being present…  in thinking you have many, many bright tomorrows.

Looking forward to the future is a common human experience.  It brings us hope, and its sidekick comfort, knowing things rarely stay the same forever.  The winds of change come in and blow away the present hardship.  And yet… when you love someone with an illness that may take them away from you … and you see a season ahead without them, NOW takes on a new meaning. Now becomes very personal…. and precious.

Surely the challenges we face in life, the times of crisis are what build our character.  Our strength isn’t increased without the weights of life.  Our stamina and endurance doesn’t grow without the treadmill and elliptical experiences.  Depth of character doesn’t just happen all by itself without our permission.

We will all go through challenges, but what matters is how we deal with them when they come along.  Obviously I am not the first person to express that truth.. but really… will we have learned anything?  Can we use what we learned to help someone else?  Has it made us more compassionate?  Or generous?  Less selfish?  I have seen people become more beautiful with each pain they experience in life…. growing in strength, wisdom and beauty.  And sadly, others who become full of resentment and bitterness.

Tree outside my bedroom window in the fall…

I often go kicking and screaming into challenges!  Oh, God must not think me an easy student of life sometimes.  But our times are in His hands.  And TODAY is all any of us has.

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.  ~Dale Carnegie

We steal if we touch tomorrow.  It is God's.  ~Henry Ward Beecher

Living I love you

I love being able to express my thoughts, tell or teach little stories or life lessons, expound upon ideas and opinions about issues going on in the world. I love to delve into the deeper things life has to offer. I love to get under the surface, not just scratch the top layer.  But the truth is, I am mainly silent. I have lost my voice. Only time will tell whether I get it back. There is a closed-tight door between my heart and soul and this voice of mine right now. Some days I get glimpses of it again but mostly it fades away. The words are mainly stuck.  I have had to read others words for the time being and let them express how I feel because I can't seem to find my own.

My block comes in the form of a large wad of feelings and emotions that cause regular life to pale in the enormity of dealing with Edd's cancer. Watching him every day knowing things will not get better. I am a hopeful person. It goes against everything within me to think his health will not ultimately improve apart from a miracle from God.  It goes against the very way I live my life believing that things will get better and " this too shall pass."  But this won't. And yet saying it aloud makes me feel like I am giving up. And that too is contrary to my way of seeing problems and challenges and feels so …  wrong.

I ache as I see the man I fell so hard in love with. And I fell hard. I saw him so strong and large-and -in-charge in my world. He always made things better for me. I felt safe by his side. I felt loved and secure in his arms. I melted when his eyes met mine and he smiled at me and pulled me close. But I don’t always feel safe now and our dreams have been cut short. Our life together is not what we envisioned and I grieve it every day. The grief is unspoken but it is there. It touches me when I look over at him and see a man finding it hard to eat...yet trying to do all the right things.  A man taking chemo and medications that destroy his strength as sure as they strive to destroy the cancer cells. But he is stronger than ever in spirit. His courage. His inner resolve. His loyalty. His strength of character. His unselfishness.  It humbles me and brings me to my knees and breaks me. He still thinks of ME in the midst of it all.  Wanting to know, striving to make SURE, I will be okay no matter what.

With Edd I got to rest for a while.  After my divorce.  After a lot of upheaval, confusion and failure.  REST.  That’s how I felt when we were together.  I am so thankful for that period of rest.  Rest.  What a wonderful word.  I’ll never think of him without remembering that time of rest.

What if we didn’t have tears?  What if I couldn’t cry when my heart was breaking? What if I didn’t have that release of emotion?  God knew how important it would be.  For me.  For this moment in time.

Thank you God.

I don’t like to be the person in need.  I don’t like to be the one who doesn’t have the answers.
Maybe this is all too personal to write in my blog.  Maybe I should just keep all this to myself.  But it is me.  It is HUMAN.  It is what many before me and many after me will experience. 

Some may express their experience with words.  Some may stay silent.  I find silence to be a form of even greater suffering.  I may not shout all my feelings from the rooftop, but I can write some thoughts down and somehow that helps.  Somehow it lets the feelings out and sets me just a little bit free.  Maybe free enough to be creative and hopeful and strong for another day.

SAYING “I love you” isn’t as important as LIVING “I love you”.  I see “I love you” LIVED in front of me every day.  I want to live it too.

Purpose

Joy. Peace. Love. Contentment. Fear. Anxiety. Hatred. Words are powerful. They have the power to help and to heal. To build up or tear down. Words of tenderness from a loved one can change a horrible situation into something you're able to deal with. I really want to choose to use words of comfort and encouragement more than words of judgement and condemnation. I know I have often hurt others with my words in the past and I'm saddened by that. Maybe I'd do it again if I were in the same situations, but I like to think I'd be more kind.

I ponder what life is about. What each of us should strive for. Where do our treasures lie? The Bible says not to lay up treasures on earth, but in heaven. What does that even mean? Oh, I've heard numerous sermons on the subject. It is easy to see how "stuff" quickly becomes old and even useless. The more stuff we own it seems the more it owns us. I think life should be lived with purpose, but what does that mean? I'd like to strive for world peace, cure cancer, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, bring hope to the hopeless ... but I'm just one person and it all seems overwhelming.

Yesterday as I walked from my car to the grocery store a lady called out to me from her car. She was standing next to her open door and asked me if I could bring her a shopping cart which I happily did. She couldn't walk very well and needed the cart for support as she walked from her car to the store. Our days are sprinkled with things like this. People in our little universe who benefit from our existence. People in our families, in our homes, in our workplace. Random people we meet each day. I really want to be a Noticer. To live my life with a sense of purpose. The world doesn't stop when I'm in pain. It continues to revolve and people go on with their lives irregardless of what I am going through. There are many times I feel anxiety and fear, but I want my life filled with more love, peace, joy and contentment.... and to spread it around.

hope....

The soul searching is intense. On the one hand we have this hope that maybe we'll hear the words "it was a mistake and there's nothing to worry about", and then again we worry we will hear the worst possible news which would be that there is no hope for a cure. The two extremes bounce around in your head and I wish I could just fast forward to the meeting with the oncologist after he has the scan results and he's thought through the treatment plan. Our life is no longer in our control (if it ever was) and we are totally at the mercy of cancer and how its treatment will alter our lives. For me it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other and go through the day but I do.... I think of Edd going to work and just doing what he always does. He is definitely a soldier as well as any other who marches through the day being faithful and loyal and moving forward in spite of the pressure to fall apart, which is what I want to do.

All I thought I knew about God is tested. Edd and I talked this morning about God and why he doesn't heal, about prayer, about asking Him to help, whether He is involved, whether He cares, if we matter at all to Him. I used to be so sure, I used to have the answers to hypothetical situations, but now it's me and my precious husband and I am not seeing God's intervention, I don't feel He cares, and I don't know anything it seems. I know I've prayed for some things and He has graciously protected and saved and then I've prayed for things and the answer was "no". Are all these just random? Is it like playing roulette and spinning the wheel? Do I beg and plead for Edd's healing or do I just ask once and then seek peace with His answer? I feel so tired and weary from this journey and I know Edd must feel even more so. He is most concerned about me. I am married to an amazing man who loves me deeply.

I feel it's okay to get angry with God. He can take it. Why pretend I am not angry or hurt or worried. He knows anyway. I don't care what we have to go through. I just desire the news that there is HOPE for a cure. I'm slowly realizing that the old life that I keep wishing we could go back to simply doesn't exist. We cannot hurry up and get through with all this so that we can get back to it again.

Life's Load

I can't get a story out of my head that I read in the newspaper this morning. It happened a few weeks ago, but today I read more details about it. It's about as sad and tragic a story as could be imagined and the grief experienced by the participants boggles my imagination. My heart is broken for this couple... you see, their 18-month-old son died in his car seat as his dad went to work, forgetting to drop him off at daycare that morning. It was a hot August day in Austin.

When first reading the story weeks ago, I thought, "No, way. How could this happen?... Impossible..." but as the details were revealed I now see how it happened... it was a tragic, horrific accident of the very worst kind. It's in the category of Heaviest of Life's Loads to Bear For the Rest of Your Life. The couple still have not told their family back in China this horrible reality. When the grandparents call from abroad they load DVDs of Daniel playing onto the computer and crank up the volume so the toddler's playing is heard in the background.

It made me think and continues to make me think how thankful I should be, and am for the life I have. This couple, this father, will carry this burden, this enormous burden for the rest of his life. Yes, we all have loads to carry, but some are much heavier than others. My burdens are feather light compared to this one. I can be unfortunately quick to judge, but as I read this story I was moved with compassion and felt the intense grief that this man will live with for the rest of his life. Without God there will be little hope and no peace. My best guess is that if this couple doesn't have a relationship with God now, they soon will. To survive this kind of pain and grief they will HAVE to. Burdens such as these bring death to the soul quickly unless the healing power of God is allowed to take over.

Today I will breathe deeply, look up, and thank God for the peace and hope and rest in my soul.

Plowing through life....

Today I find myself wanting to begin to touch the creative part of myself again. To express. To think. To analyze. To question. To learn.... and ultimately to grow and feel more alive. I have been shuffling along... physically... emotionally... spiritually... and I want to quicken my pace... step it up a notch or two... or three. At 48 years old I'm feeling like I need to start anew. I want to explore life and see where my passions are and pursue them. I want to matter ... and DO something that matters. I feel fulfilled... in my marriage, my home, my family (I have the most wonderful daughters on the planet) but I'm sensing a tug, that's getting stronger to pursue, reach out, expect more from myself... and not grow stagnant....

I feel as though I've been climbing uphill... a lot has happened in the last couple of months, no, couple of years.... no, 10 years.... okay yeah, my life has been slipping by. Things have occured that have zapped my strength and put me on "just put one foot in front of the other and keep on going" mode. Not so different from others I presume, but I'm feeling the desire to take better control and actually set the sails for a course. After all....

An optimist expects the wind; A pessimist complains about the wind; A realist adjusts the sails.

We'll see.