morning and evening

I've always loved the quietness of the morning .... or the settled, reflective feeling of late evening.   The bulky part of the day is just to noisy for me to be able to think very clearly on any one topic.  Fleeting thoughts are all just jumbled together in a messy array.  As I lay awake in bed this morning I felt clarity.  Sometimes I get up and begin the day and that clarity disappears like a dream.  Sad to say.

I looked back this morning at something I said last night that was insensitive and was surprised when the tears came.  In a torrent.  They just kept coming as I thought how I never want to hurt with my words but only build up those that I love and try to make this critical, cruel, and un-accepting world just a little more nice.  A little more gentle.  To hold close those I love and be a cushion for them from a world that can sting.

I wonder how many times I may have wounded someone else by my words and didn't recognize it.  I can be blunt and hurtful.  More so in the past, but even now sometimes.  I know I have improved but still, gentleness isn't always something that comes naturally to me.

My days are full.  I am not sad all the time but my writings can reflect that since  I usually write when I FEEL.  Many people who know me personally would think I'm mostly happy actually.  I can talk to someone on the phone who asks how I am and how Edd is and they hang up thinking we're doing fine and in many ways we are... but I also I have this huge ache inside.   Life has changed.  It's always being rearranged.  When I think I can handle the story line, the script changes again.

It reminds me to be careful.  To be more mindful.  To remember others hurt too... in their own ways.  And I want to find the joy together.

Funny... this was the quote of the day on my blog for today....

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else ~ Charles Dickens

***

friday evening

Friday evening.  As I sip a glass of Cab I think of the week gone by.  For someone who stays home much of the time with a husband with disabilities I sure have a lot going on.  Different than someone who gets out all the time but busy non the less.  My days are full.  God has given me work to do.  Maybe not what I would have chosen, but work that is important.

I scheduled a cleaning service to come to my house this week, a maid if you will, to treat myself...  As my daughter can attest, I was bummed when they didn't show!  I was really looking forward to someone else doing some of my housework.  My MIL has been telling me to get help and I decided, "Yeah, I think that would be nice"... Turns out they were an unscrupulous business that offered a Groupon that I bought. Oh well. I will hire someone else. I LOVE a clean house. Maybe because it's actually something I can busy myself with and have some control over.   

Life is often uncomfortable these days.  I know what comfortable feels like. And this isn't it.  I want to know how to really live out these days, not missing the good-stuff, but well, sometimes I see very little good-stuff.  But it's okay.  There is still a lot to be thankful for.

I'm learning....

To be more sensitive.

To just listen.  Really listen.

To take care of ME when I need to.

To wait.  Wait on God and His timing.

To pray for others when I can't do anything else for them.
To be there.  Sometimes it's just what someone else needs.
To give when you think you can't give any more. (You can.)

I remember my sweetie saying months ago, years now actually, (with tears) when we discovered how serious his cancer was, that he was going to break my heart. In so so so so many ways he has tried to shield me from the blows.  As Randy Panauch spoke of in The Last Lecture, he has been trying to build some nets for me to soften the fall but my heart still breaks a little each day.  There is no getting around it. As I see him wanting to "ready me" the unspoken reason is the elephant in the room that just won't leave.

The people who have said they would pray for us, for me, are angels. Some I don't know personally and I've never met face to face, but they've reached out to offer kind words... and I truly see them as God's hands and heart... reaching out to me.  Comfort packaged up and given to me as a gift.

images

thoughts for today

Why NOT us? Why not a big fat miracle? We aren't that different than anyone else who has asked God for healing.  We know he can. I am asking. Why NOT us?

I've been changed. Totally. I'll  never be the same. Did He have to completely break my heart into thousands of tiny pieces? Is that how hard I had become? Or was in danger of becoming? 

Appreciate. Don't take precious times, moments, for granted. Never feel entitled to anything. So much in life is a precious gift.

What if?  Just musing.  But what if what everyone believed DID come true? What if you believed in God and had faith he would bring you to heaven some day and He did! And what if you had no faith, no trust and believed in nothing... and you got... a great big NOTHING. What if you believed you'd be a star up in the sky... and that's just what you became.... I choose to believe in Jesus and his redemption.  I choose to believe God is real and loves me and has a bigger better brighter more fabulous future for me and my loved ones. Bigger than I could ever imagine.

It was a tough day. Sometimes we just have to be strong for someone else. Helping them to have the faith and hope to go on. And sometimes someone has to believe for us when our strength and hope is  hollow.  I am so glad for those who stand in the gap for me... It renews my faith and gives me strength to not lose heart.