I Am Afraid, Am I Alone?

I am at the point where my gut is twisting and my sense of helplessness is turning into rage.  Do I just withdraw from the world…no TV, no newspapers, no social media, no contact with anything or anyone outside my own safe circle, my cocoon, my womb?

I have never claimed to be a political strategist.  I am not one to enter debates on who is correct, the left or the right.  I am not a member of either major political party.  I vote in every election and I allow my own internal compass to guide my choices.  I was raised with a certain set of beliefs and in my 77 years of living have come to embrace an approach to living in a society that is inclusive, accepting, compassionate, and gives the benefit of the doubt.  I often think, “there but for the grace of God, go I.”  Sometimes this makes me feel wishy-washy and I ask myself, what do I stand for?  I try not to judge the choices of others because I do not live in their skin and their reality is not my reality.  I hope that their choices “do no harm” and I try to ensure that my choices do no harm either.  I try to surround myself with those who are “life-giving” to me, that lift me up and do not drain energy from me like a pin puncture in a balloon.  I believe that we are all just trying to do life.  For me, this gives me a sense of peace that includes tremendous gratitude for the joy in my life.

I have always been proud to be an American.  I still get teary when I sing the national anthem.  It fills my heart to think that the US is an ally to so many other nations and that with them, has tried to protect and preserve life.  As a grandchild of immigrants, I appreciate having had the ability to have opportunities and choices to improve my life available to me.  I always want our country to be a light in the darkness.

In recent years, I have become aware that what I was taught as a child, from adults, textbooks, teachers and other voices of authority has not been accurate or even the truth; that there is a much bigger picture.  I now understand that the victors write the history looking through their window which only tells their version and I have tried to pursue the truth through my own reading and listening.  It is often upsetting and saddening, but I have trusted in the structure of our government.  I have believed that our constitution and founding fathers design a system of government that has checks and balances, that our congress (senators and representatives) is the voice of the people, and that no one person can harm the country because the rest would stand up for what is in keeping with who we are as a nation.  And I have carried the trust and hope that in the end, things will self-correct.  Today, I feel so naive.

Since 2016 I have watched the division that has threatened to destroy our nation.  I have watched my neighborhood, organizations, friends and family become polarized.  I have seen people I know and care about take a position that is not aligned with my approach to life.  I have respected their right to do so, knowing I don’t have to agree with them.  I have even thought that some of this chaos is good.  We are talking about things that have always been unspoken or unacknowledged.  I know that change can only occur by “unfreezing” the status quo and that can seem messy.  But recently, I find my heart troubled and I feel afraid.  I do not see any self-correcting action occurring and I do not trust, in any way, the captain of this run-away train.

This morning, I read this article in The Atlantic magazine, Trump Goes All In On Racism, and I felt sick-to-my-stomach.  Anxiety seemed to wash over me.  This weekend I spent time loving my two youngest grandchildren and I felt afraid for them.  They still have a life ahead of them, they are little, innocent, multi-racial and dependent upon the adults to preserve their world.

I do not support, nor approve of, nor excuse the actions, words, or approaches demonstrated by Donald Trump.  The deceit and out-right lies erode our nation’s sense of identity.  Being allowed to speak as a racist and “proud of it” with no backlash is intolerable to me.  I am no longer entertained by the absurdities pointed out by television comedians.  I can no longer roll my eyes and say that is just who he is.   I am afraid.  I’m afraid that our nation is becoming numb to his outrageousness.  And this numbness is going to be smoke screen that will keep us from seeing in time, a destruction of all I hold dear.  

I used to remain silent when others defended him by saying, “Look at how strong the economy is!”  “Look at the employment figures.”  “I may not like him as a person but he seems good for the country!”  I didn’t know how to argue against that even though it felt wrong to me.  Do the ends justify the means?  And what about unintended consequences?

In Italian we have a word, “BASTA!”  It means “Enough!”  My grandparents used to say it to us children when we were running wild and making noise.  My heart is screaming, “BASTA!” to Donald Trump and I really don’t know what to do.  Am I alone in this?

I Am A Docent - My Baptism of Fire!

Aging is good news and bad news!  The bad news is that I am more aware of the fact that I have an expiration date.  I check the obituaries to see if any names are familiar.  I don’t recognize my arm when wearing a short sleeved shirt and I reach for a coffee cup on a high shelf.  That said, as I age and find my life continually expanding, growing richer and more rewarding.  My normal state is…”HAPPY!”

I just read the book Women Rowing North: Navigating Life’s Currents and Flourishing As We Age written by psychologist Mary Pipher and I felt like she was taking notes inside my head.  She clearly states the challenges and losses that accompany aging but she finds that most older women are deeply happy and filled with gratitude for the gifts of life. Their struggles help them grow into the authentic, empathetic, and wise people they have always wanted to be. YES!!

I just celebrated my 77^th birthday…my son, Marc, said it is my “hockey birthday”…two hockey sticks!  I am blessed with good health, a loving husband, children who “invite me in” and let me share in their lives, little grandchildren to keep me getting up and down from the floor, good friends who keep me honest, beautiful surroundings that keep in touch with nature, and opportunities to continually redefine myself.

One such opportunity was to complete my training as a Los Serenos Docent at our local Palos Verdes Interpretive Center.  After 6 months of deliciously informative classes on everything from ocean currents to sea life to geology to whales to native plants to Tongva Indians, I received my official Docent shirt and badge.  Now I get to shadow other veteran docents and decide where I would like to donate my time and energies.

My first activity was to help with a class of 5^th graders who were on a field trip to visit our tidepools on Abalone Cove.  The day was sunny, the children were eager, and off I went sweeping up the tail of a group of 7 students.  It was a success in that it made me aware that as much as I enjoyed the beauty, the air, the children…this activity was NOT FOR ME.  I am not as steady on my feet as I thought I would be. Navigating the steep trail down to the tidepools and crossing the distance of large smooth rocks was too much of a challenge.  I need to stay up on dry land.

The second activity was yesterday where I was going to “shadow” other experienced docents conduct a tour of our Interpretive Center, taking groups of 2^nd graders to various stations and talking about the whales, the native plants, the three habitats of our area and ocean pollution.  I was going to learn from watching.

But as fate would have it, one of the experienced docents didn’t show up and I was thrust into his position!  “You will do fine” the others said to me.  I looked down at the 10 little faces surrounding me, eager smiles, dancing eyes and all of a sudden I was thrown back about 40 years and I was a teacher again.  “Follow me in a single file” and we were off!  I had a wonderful time showing them all the things I have come to love. 

“What do you think the Tongvas ate?  There was no Von’s market!  Do you see this prickly pear?” 

“Did you know there were fish living millions of years ago? How do we know? Who knows what a fossil is?  Can anyone find a fossil on these stones?”

“Who knows what the word ‘migration’ means? (They ALL knew that word…that someone lives in one place and wants to move to another place!)  Whales migrate from way up north in cold Alaska, swimming right by us here, to get down to Baja Mexico. Do you know how long it takes them to swim that far?  How do you spot a whale in the water?  Look there…is that a spout?”

2 ½ hours later, I was driving home feeling tired but feeling so ALIVE.  Mary Pipher is correct as far as I am concerned when she writes: “If we can keep our wits about us, think clearly, and manage our emotions skillfully, we will experience a joyous time of our lives.”

p.s. Point Vicente Interpretive Center will hold its annual event, Whale of a Day, on April 13 from 10 am to 4 pm.  It is a free day of fun for all ages!

I Am A Blessed Woman - Life in 2018

It has been months since I have posted a blog.  I guess that means I "have a life!"  The other day Charlotte told me that she laughs when someone will comment on how nice it is for her to have a mother-in-love who is so available to her to help out with the kids. She said they think I am just sitting around the house waiting for her to call.  She told them she has to calendar her needs in advance so they get on my calendar!

As December 31st approaches, I consider how fortunate Jay and I are to have such a rich life...rich in people we love, good friends, good health, stimulating activities and beautiful setting in Southern California.  Here are the highlights of the year for us and for our family.

This year:

Jay and I traveled... to Seattle, Montreal, Quebec, Athens and the Greek Isles.

I stopped coloring my hair and claimed my natural color.

Gabriel made a touchdown!

Jessie started attending Annie’s Newport Academy at Phases.

Joe continued to grow his dog-boarding business in Acton with a special emphasis on dog rescue.

Marc continued to grow his business with new clients (Indian Motorcycle), moved to new quarters and traveled to Germany and Italy for clients.

Mike is in his 24^th season working with the LA Kings/AEG and received a promotion to Vice President, Marketing, Communications and Content.

Gabriel got his driver’s license.

I started training to be a Los Serreno Docent at the PV Interpretive Center.

Gino transitioned to a Montessori Preschool.

I attended Michelle Obama’s Book Tour “Becoming” with Milli and Charlotte.

Had “Mondays with Mima” every week with Gino and Jessie.

We acquired a Chinese Grandson when Phoenix arrived as a foreign exchange student to Mike and Milli’s.

I rode on the Goodyear Blimp with my brother, Fred.

Jay bought new golf clubs!

I made seat-covers for our golf cart.

Walked and talked regularly with my BFF Cindy.  Better than the best therapist!! She keeps me honest.

We attended Water Aerobic classes

Jay and I finally took care of our "last wishes" and made our cremation arrangements!

Gabriel had his first “hockey fight” and received a 2 game suspension.

Attended Grandparents Day with Gabriel and Phoenix.

I joined a Writers' Group.

We participated in Omnilore classes and the Omnilore Curriculum committee.

I knit 15 items.

I read 70 Books and continued to participate in our Best Sellers' Book Group.

So I would say we squeezed every ounce of goodness, happiness and love out of our 365 days while making a real effort to only focusing on the positive and sweeping away the negative. (Yes, there was negative too!)  Thank you to all of you who are part of the fabric of our lives. 

I am a blessed woman!

I Am A Pisces - Finding My Water Legs

I like that my astrological sign is the Pisces.  Here is what Google tells me about it: Pisces is a Water sign and as such this zodiac sign is characterized by empathy and expressed emotional capacity. Their ruling planet is Neptune, so Pisces are more intuitive than others and have an artistic talent.  

Who wouldn’t want to be empathetic, intuitive and have emotional capacity and artistic talent.  However, Pisces is a Water sign and I have never liked to be in the water.  Oh, I love being NEAR the water, watching waves beat against the rocks or the sun sinking into the blue Pacific.  I love that I live near the water.  But I have never liked to be IN the water.

Maybe it’s due to a “traumatic experience” I had as a child, when a swim instructor stepped on my little 7 year old hands hanging on for dear life to the edge of the Kent State University swimming pool, emotionally scarring me for life! 

Or maybe it’s due to stepping off a drop in the water near the pier at Brady Lake and thrashing and sputtering as someone lifted me up by my 10 year old arm and asked if I was OK. OK?  I was drowning!!  

Or maybe it’s due to having severe myopia and having everything look like a blur when I was in the water without my glasses.  

Or maybe I am just not an authentic Pisces.  

Whatever the reason, I am always the one sitting on the poolside lounge, not the one frolicking in the water.

So I looked askance when Jay suggested that we try the Water Aerobics class offered at our community pool three mornings a week.  We wanted to incorporate more exercise into our daily routine, other residents raved about it, and it was practically right outside our door. 

We went one morning as “observers” and saw that everyone wore a flotation belt so there was no need to even be able to tread water.  Everyone had smiles on their faces so they were obviously enjoying it.  The weather was so hot and the pool did look inviting.  The instructor offered us her extra equipment to try it and see if we liked it before investing in it.

So, the next class we were at the poolside at 8:20 am, in swim suits, robes and flip-flops.  

Heading for the pool...

We put on the flotation belts and prepared join the others.  

The water was heated so it was an easy entry.  There was a buoyant sense of freedom as our belts held us upright.  We were told it might feel awkward at first but that we would develop our water legs.  For one hour Susan put us through a series of exercises that included stretches to all muscle groups, aerobic big legs and big arms moving in laps around and around and around the pool, stomach crunches, leg kicks and resistance work on the arms using flotation dumbbells.  I especially liked the exercise where I looked like Esther Williams doing side stretches while hanging on to my dumbbells.  

It was quite a workout and I didn’t even have to sweat!

We have been participating in the classes for a couple weeks now.  We have our own flotation equipment and each time as we head home after the hour class we rejoice in the achy muscles and feel quite proud of ourselves.  

The best part is that Susan says I am doing very well, that I am a natural.  It must be because I am a Pisces!

I AM A Gardener - Yes, We Have No Tomatoes

August…sun…heat…TOMATOES!

If you are of Italian heritage, of course you have an “orto” (kitchen garden), and of course you grow vegetables, and of course one of those vegetables is the tomato.  Looking back over the years, my life story is "peppered" with tomato memories.

My dad was the gardener in our family and he took great pride in his tomatoes.  

My dad, circa 1958 - Isn't he proud!!

They often did not make it into the kitchen.  He would pick the tomato, wash it off with the garden hose, and hand it to me like an apple. “Here, take a bite of THIS!”  And I would…bite deeply into the red flesh, feeling the juices still warm from the sun, running down my chin.  

We often ate tomato sandwiches.  Bread, a little mayo, sliced tomatoes, sliced onion and a piece of lettuce.  Who needed baloney when you had ripe tomatoes?  

And the excess harvest?  Well a whole day was devoted to canning in the basement and its aroma would permeate the entire house.  Tomatoes were peeled, simmered with some seasoning, placed in sterile canning jars and stored for the winter months.

When I was a young mother and we bought our first house, one fine day in May my dad arrived at my house with a shovel, some fertilizer and tomato plants.  He spent the afternoon digging a small garden against the back wall where he planted my tomatoes.  There…now the house was complete.  I tended them as I was taught but it was Dad I called if I ever saw a fat juicy tomato worm!

One of the many advantages of living at Palos Verdes Shores community is the opportunity to have a plot in our community garden.  Though I have to endure the local wildlife of birds, squirrels, gophers and raccoons competing for the harvest, it still affords me the pleasure of growing tomatoes.  

My solar activate sonic gopher repellent that seems to be working!

Gino and Jessie love to go down to the garden to “help” me.  

"I can help you, Mima! Let me do it!"

This year we purchased 7 plants from Laurel's Heirloom Tomato Plants in Lomita.

Jay does the dig and carry!

All planted!

 I have spent the last few weeks reaping what I have sown!  

Just one day's pickings!

Some ripening on the window sill.

In addition to making some favorite seasonal recipes and freezing fresh sauce for winter months I have had the joy of sharing some of the bounty with neighbors and grounds keepers.

Ahhh - gazpacho!

Fresh tomato salad.

Both sets of grandparents had “orto”s so it is very natural for me to follow suit.  They didn’t spend time worrying about a lovely manicured lawn.  To them, it made no sense to spend your time, money and energy in growing something you could not eat!   

It is only now, in my golden years, that I am beginning to grow something other than vegetables and I take delight in watching the Monarch butterflies circling my glorious milkweed bushes. 

My milkweed in full bloom.

A visiting Monarch butterfly.

Gino looks for caterpillars every time he comes over!  I hope this one sticks around long enough for him to see it!

And...a monarch caterpillar that we are praying makes it into a cocoon.

And the cycle of life continues.....

I Am A Grandmother - Sickened By Today's News

This morning I picked up the LA Times and the Wall Street Journal to see what was happening in the world.  (Yes, we still have paper subscriptions delivered to our home!)  My heart was full as I sipped my coffee and turned the pages.  Jay and I had just spent last evening baby-sitting with Gino, aged 3 ½, and Jessie, aged 21 months, while their parents attended a wedding.  Experiencing their happy, animated antics is such a joy for us and we are grateful they are in our lives.  Their spontaneity and innocence remind us the beauty of life and what is important…just being together with them and letting them love us. 

On page 1 of the LA Times I saw this picture, of a father embracing his 6 yr. old son, who stared vacantly over his shoulder. 

As I read, I sat up straighter and put down my coffee cup, and read … “Father and son reunite…  Jefferson…a playful boy who loved racing tiny cars across the dirt floor of his Guatemala home, stood stiff, staring vacantly at the gray carpet, then at his father…  The boy remained stiff and expressionless.  His arms, stomach and back were covered with a rash.  His right eye was bruised red.  He had a cough and a runny nose.  Jefferson had been held in a detention shelter … in New York.  He had spoken to his father 3 times in 46 days.  ‘Papa, I thought they killed you’ , he told his father. ”  My stomach twisted.

Then on page A3 of the Wall Street Journal, a photo of a migrant family with a little boy, the same age as Gino, with black curly hair stared out at me.  

I read… “Father and son were separated three months ago…the boy was sent to an agency in Michigan…  Mr. Reyes said his son isn’t the same.  He doesn’t speak much.  He wants to be close to his father and worries every time he steps away.  Inside, he carries like a sadness.”  Dr. Havens, a NY psychiatrist for children is quoted in testimony. “Most children are resilient.  But there is a subset who have a significant disorder associated with the trauma of separation.  (They) appear confused or don’t recognize a parent upon reunification. For parents to have to go through sort of reacclimatizing themselves to their children is just horrific.”

I closed the paper and just sat there.  Thoughts raced through my mind.  What have we come to?  No amount of legal discourse, no amount of citing legalities, nothing in my mind can justify adults taking such steps to enforce whatever laws and in the process damage innocent children who are victims of the decisions of others.  We are better than that.  

Memories of the little faces that turned to me in such open, naked trust last night fill my mind.  It is such a privilege to be entrusted with my grandchildren.  My hope is that the love, security and guidance I am allowed to share with them will contribute to their developing into confident, secure and fully alive little individuals.  Such an honor and such a responsibility.

I feel ashamed as I read the news.  I am ashamed.

Those who would lead our judicial systems, enforce our laws, often do so with a sense of religious righteousness.  Yet, I recall the Bible verse:  Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be thrown into the sea. 

Where can I get my hands on some millstones!