Pondering The Archers: bartleby

[Usha] “I still do a double take every time I come home and see lamas on the lawn”

[Alan] “They’re doing a fantastic job … best investment I’ve made in a long time!”

So they may have laughed at Lynda offering the llamas during the promise auction, but it’s all worked out right. Which I’m glad about. I thought the Ambridge folks were very cruel to Lynda (apart from Alan, of course).

Bartleby’s brass gets a polish

From Alan, helping Joe out with a random act of kindness for lent.

That’s nice for Bartleby.

Usha isn’t gossiping

When she told Alan about Vicky getting Eddie to work an extra four hours for free.

[Usha] “Not a bit of it. I think to like of it as more of reportage”

Damsons make Joe a happy chappy

He and Jim and co have been planting them in the hedge of the community orchard,

[Alan] “Joe sounded really chuffed seeing his old orchard all restored”

Lilian bosses Brian

Brian’s still worried about farmers abandoning The Mart because of the protestors.

[David] “You know how farmers talk. It’s probably bluster … old habits die hard … they won’t move and miss the chance of meeting up with farmers they’ve know for years”

David moves on elsewhere, but Lilian corners Brian in his place.

[Lilian] “Have you heard these rumours? As an investor, I’m very concerned … people are like sheep., it’ll only take a couple of farmers to go elsewhere and we’ll have a mass exodus!”

[Brian] “That’s arrant nonsense … and in my opinion you’ve being totally irresponsible, racing round like chicken licken saying the sky is going to fall down”

[Lilian] “Get it under control Brian, ASAP, before it gets out of hand!”

Oh Brian won’t like that. Being told by Lilian what to do? No wonder he’s increasingly desperate to find a solution to his Super Dairy woes.

Tony wants to ask Lilian first

All seems to be going very well at Home Farm.

The grass is “bulking out nicely”, according to Tony, which means the cows can get out towards the end of next week.

Tony also agrees with Tom and Pat that they should try and extend their interest free mortgage for another six months. And, he now agrees that Tom should try and get a loan to extend the poly tunnels. Seems it will pay itself back in three years (just like Brookfield’s new dairy system),

But, he wants to ask Lilian first. He doesn’t want to start spending without first paying back the loan she gave them.

So, he and Pat sit down with Lilian to tell her their plans.

[Lilian] “That sounds wonderful, but I can’t for the life why you’re telling me … Oh good grief, darlings. I’m in no hurry for the money … you can pay me once you’re properly back on your feet”

Recession proof, our Lilian is.

Alan and Usha have an old hot water system

So it would seem.

They can’t run the hot water in the kitchen without ruining Amy’s bath.

Green burials are noisy

Alan is getting ready for the first burial at the green burial site.

[Alan] “I’m told wicker coffins are noisy … they creak … wonder if I should warn the family?”

Sounds terrifying!

At last – someone mentions Shula and Alan

It’s Alan himself.

He mentions to Usha that Shula has offered her donkey, Benjamin, for Palm Sunday again. But this time, she’s even offered to look after him herself during the service.

[Usha] “I’m pleased for you”

So, the cold front is indeed warming.

What about Karl?

Something is building about Amy’s new boyfriend (or not, he might just be a mate).

Alan mentioned that Amy had mentioned Karl, but “didn’t say much else”. Alan reckons she’ll talk about him if he is important to her.

What’s afoot?

Blondes can be clever sometimes

[Tony] “So the ,lovely Lisa is not just a pretty face?”

[David] “She may look like a ditzy blond but she’s as sharp as a tack”

James will get Lilian for his birthday present

[Lilian] “Isn’t one’s time a better gift?”

Probably not for James.

Pigs not cows

Debbie has a cunning plan.

She’s going to swap large scale dairy for a large scale pig unit. Debbie reckons they’ll get similar benefits, but will be a more “mainstream” solution.

[Brian] “Why in earth would we shift our ground at this stage?”

And also why pigs, when other pig farmers seem to be struggling.

But – and this is where Debbie living in Hungry comes in useful (seems no one in Ambridge takes any heed of news reports in the TV, newspapers interest (etc) about that place they call Europe). She says that more European farmers are getting out of pigs because the new welfare regulations make them less profitable. So, there’s a nice gap for a large scale production.

[Debbie] “Just like the cow setup, it would be a large pig unit … but this time, there would be no need for outside suppliers”

[Brian] “We’d still have a very large animal production unit with pigs permanently indoors”

[Debbie] “It’s different with pigs, honestly, it’s all about perception. People are far more used to the idea of pigs indoors”

[Brian, warming to the idea] “At the moment I need all the get of jail cards I can get my hands on”

Well – I’m not sure Debbie is right this time.

Will Tom and Neil be supportive? Jazzer?

And with pigs being such intelligent animals (they play footy, don’t you know), won’t the protestors abhor this even more?

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

The Green Burial site open day 30.01.12

The Archers Monday 30th January 2012

Mike’s loyal to his team
Sabrina is on the display team
Handsome Herdsman will sell the Super Dairy
The Grundys’ latest caper
The Orchard saga continues
Joe won’t be bought

Mike’s loyal to his team

He’s demanding “extra-large goody bags” for Harry and Jazzer in return for them handing out Ambridge Organics leaflets on their rounds.

Good man.

Sabrina is on the display team

Of the Village Shop.

Imagine … all the local husbands must pack the pavement out when she’s in the window.

Handsome Herdsman will sell the Super Dairy

Brian’s PR agency (led by that chap Rufus) have done a leaflet for the Super Dairy that Brian is exceedingly proud of. It includes an artists’ impression of the cows’ accommodation, which makes it look quite luxurious (according to Jennifer).

But there’s a twist.

[Jennifer] “AND a very handsome cow man looking after them. He’s rather a dish … can you make sure you get someone just like him when you recruit please?!?”

[Brian] “Jenny, you’re not meant to be ogling the herdsmen”

But Jennifer has spotted something that may attract ladies like Sabrina and Hilary Noakes to Brian’s side.

[Brian, on Holiday Noakes] “What? Brad Pitt couldn’t get her to pipe down!”

The Grundys’ latest caper

(sigh)

Eddie’s at the Green Burial open day.

Which is fair do, as he will be the gravedigger (does one need qualifications for doing that?). But, he is in a suit.

Suspicious.

All becomes a bit clearer when Joe also arrives. He (a) hasn’t been invited (it’s an invitation only, don’t you know) and (b) he’s with Bartleby. Who seems to be wearing a “red Indian headdress”.

[Jim] “What have you done? Why has Bartleby got badly dyed pheasant feathers on his head?”

Joe’s joined the Ambridge craze for leaflets (not very green of anyone …) and hands Jim one.

[Jim] “You claim here you’re offering a bespoke transportation service for your loved ones … the ecologically friendly way of ensuring the departed arrives at their final resting place in the style that they wish!”

Though Joe is chuffed with himself – he even made the leaflet at Ed’s, and is now in awe of the spellcheck – Jim is far from amused.

[Jim] “It is not the occasion for heartless commercial activity!”

And makes Joe go away.

The rest of the open day seemed to go well enough.

[Brian] “Tragically enough, they didn’t have many takes for the compost toilet”

Funny that!

And as Kenton put it, after he’d heard it from one of the undertakers:

[Kenton] “All they need now is a body!”

The Orchard saga continues

To recap: the Community Orchard is on Oliver’s land. Jim has organised the cider club to help grow and pick the apples, to be made into cider using the Grundys’ equipment. So that everyone gets a fair share of the cider, Jim has been working on a system that will record who puts in what hours.

Though Jim thought he’d sorted it, Mike’s not happy that Jim has been rounding times up and down to the half hour. It could mean that he could miss out on “gallons” of cider.

Jim explains that it’s been impossible trying to get everyone to complete their timesheets, but Mike isn’t hearing him. He just wants what’s fair.

[Mike] “What you need here is a bit of discipline, Jim”

Oh give Jim a break! At least he’s trying.

Joe won’t be bought

Not one to give up easily, Joe crashed the Green Burial site post-open day at The Bull.

When Kenton won’t serve him a pint on the Green Burial site tab, he gets offended.

Well, until Brian steps him to buy Joe a pint of Shires … that somehow (miraculously) turns into a large whisky, on Joe’s say so.

Joe’s worked Brian out, though, and tells Brian that he can’t be bought.

[Joe] “I’m me own man!”

And so he is.

Joe then starts giving out his leaflets again (while wheezing and coughing as he had to climb the stairs up to the Bull’s function room):

[Joe] “You wouldn’t throw an old man out, would you?”

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Bartleby shall go to the wedding: The Archers Sunday 11th December 2011

What to do with Bartleby’s trap?
Hen and Stag nights
It’s all Sharon’s fault, really
Roy misses Phoebe

What to do with Bartleby’s trap?

Fallon’s had an idea. Though Nic can’t use Bartley’s trap before the wedding (she’s will be getting ready at Grey Gables so will be there already), Fallon reckons Roy and Will could use it to arrive.

Seems it’s a canopied trap, bright orange, made out of an old tent.

No-one wants to upset Joe. As Fallon says, he’s such a softy:

[Will] “Yeah, under all the smoke and grumpiness”

But, it’s not practical for Nic, and it also sounds like the trap isn’t exactly a work of beauty:

[Will] “It’s dead nice of him but, yeah, it glows so much you can see it from space!”

Will also isn’t convinced about him and Roy using it.

[Will] “No one cares what me and Roy look like when we get to the wedding”

But, Nic later comes up trumps. They’re going to use Bartley and his special trap as a “lap of honour” round the village Green after they’ve been married.

Aw.

Bartleby will be pleased.

Hen and Stag nights

Fallon and Nic are planning the hen night, so Roy and Will have to go to the pub.

[Roy] “Fantastic, first no one cares what I look like and then I can’t sit down!”

Will mentions that if the girls aren’t going for a nurse theme, air hostess would do just as well …

The hen night seems to be sorted, apart from one small problem … Emma.

Nic doesn’t want Emma there, Emma won’t want to be there, but Emma will see it as a snub if she isn’t at least invited, and will hold a grudge.

Fallon to the rescue!

She called Emma. Told her about the hen night and that Nic wanted her to come. But also said that they knew it was late notice (it’s next Thursday), so would understand if she couldn’t get Ed to babysit. And right enough – Emma said she’d love to come, but that Ed was out that evening so she couldn’t go out.

[Fallon] “There you go, family honour satisfied and everyone gets what they want”

Roy’s organised for Harry, Tom, Pete, Chris, and Jono (who is a probable until his “missus gets out of her wrestling class” – some sort of new fitness routine thingy) to go to a comedy club, then onto Felpersham tandoori.

But they don’t seem to worry about not inviting Ed.

Quite right too, considering what he did at Will’s last finance’s hen night …

It’s all Sharon’s fault, really

Pat and Tony have decided not to tell Helen and Tom that Pat called Sharon, that Rich is definitely John’s son, but that Sharon won’t let them be involved with him.

Not so sure they shouldn’t tell all. Surely it’ll come out sooner or later, with Tom and Helen furious (suicidal, in Helen’s case) that they weren’t told?

Anyhoo. Now that the dust has settled since Pat spoke to Sharon, Pat’s moved on from entirely blaming herself to blaming Sharon.

[Pat] “]It’s the way Sharon … ever since I spoke to her I keep thinking about when she came here … obviously now I wish we hadn’t been so short with her … but for her to make out that it was all so one sided … always the same … she simply took advantage from the word go …”

They’re still angry about the way Sharon played cat and mouse with John (starting when he was but a lad of 14).

[Pat] “She was so cynical about it … so clever at it, time after time … when things weren’t working out, back she’d come”

Pat and Tony think they were just trying to protect John from being heartbroken time and time again, but also realise that he didn’t want protecting.

[Tony] “He thought it was a great lark living on the Green with her …Whatever we think of Sharon, we’re only torturing ourselves”

[Pat] “What really bothers me, I mean you should have heard her Tony, talking about coming here after we’d lost John, like she was the victim in a Victorian melodrama, the innocent Maiden turned away by the heartless gentry … no awareness, none at all, that she might have been at fault …

“what I can’t get out of my mind though … I think John and Hayley would have stayed together if it hadn’t been for her, there wouldn’t have been that terrible upset in his mind, he’d have been more careful, might still be with us Tony, he might not have died … and yet she can still stop us, the one thing that could help, seeing Rich

“It’s as raw as if we’d lost him yesterday. But you're absolutely right. It can’t be helped. So we’ve got to move on. Somehow”

But – they’re going round in circles, with little chance of making Sharon change her mind about them seeing Rich. So:

[Tony] “We have to try and jog on as normal for their sake”

Which means going out for an anniversary meal tomorrow (at The Bull), so that Tom and Helen think all’s well.

Roy misses Phoebe

I’d completely forgotten about her!

Roy is especially missing Phoebe in the run up to Christmas. It’s too quiet at home.

[Roy] “I mean Abby’s great … but you want your whole family there”

Abby is just about old enough to now get Christmas – but Roy wants both his girls there.

Bout time for a Skype.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

The Archers Wednesday 5th October 2011: Susan’s shocked by Clive

(that he’s back in Ambridge – which you won't know if you didn’t listen to the recent Ambridge Extra)

Olives and letters
Susan’s already falling for Clive
Jim peps up Joe
Book club meeting

Olives and letters

Seems a “nice young reek” couple are selling olives at a local market Jennifer was at – which she is most delighted about.

And, she gets regular letters from Ruairi.

[Alice] “It’s so quaint they make them write once a week”

How marvellously exciting a life that Jennifer does lead. Who’d have thought it when she was a single mum in a bedsit.

Susan’s already falling for Clive

Against her better judgement, but he’s always had that impact on her.

Seems she went round to see her mum - got inside the front door – bent down to pick up the post – and” there he was standing in the living room doorway”.

That must have been some shock.

Seems Clive got permission to leave his bail hostel for a few days as his mum, Ivy, isn’t well.

[Susan] “What could I do? Mum was so pathetically pleased to see him”

[Neil] “Don’t let him wind you in Susan. He’s a nasty vicious thug”

[Susan] “He claims he wants to make amends for the past and turn over a new leaf”

Neil’s not buying any of it, but Susan has hope.

[Susan] “Well, Clive’s my brother. I don’t want him to rot in jail for the whole of his life”

[Neil] “This is what he does. Comes between us!”

[Susan] “I’m not happy he’s here Neil, far from it, he’s caused me so much shame”

So Clive is already causing strife for Susan and Neil.

And as Neil said it – lucky Christine’s away at the moment …

Jim peps up Joe

Joe is having a wee trot with Bartleby and his trap.

[Jim] “Room for a little one?”

[Joe] “Where do you want to go?”

[Jim] “Wherever you're going”

[Joe] “Nowhere”

[Jim] “That’ll do”

A perfect exchange, and when Usha comes across them in Bartleby’s trap – she reckons they together paint a perfect picture (reminiscent of a scene from the book club book).

Jim’s plan to cheer up Joe is to give him a purpose – as “grand overseer” of the community orchard (which isn’t a reality is – just Jim’s idea for Grange Farm’s orchard)

[Jim] “Senex … the senate in Rome were made up of elders and the whole city deferred to them, now, why was that … because their accumulated life experience gave them wisdom … you have a lifetime’s knowledge of that orchard. You are the keeper of its story”

[Joe] “Even now when I’m cider making I smells her fruit fermenting and it takes me back to the old press we kept on the stone barn …”

[Jim] “Don’t waste your experience Joe. Pass it on … don’t you want the orchard to thrive again … because I can't do this without you”

Good man Jim.

That should do it quite nicely for Joe.

Book club meeting

(though we don’t ever know what the book was)

After all the time and effort Susan has put into hosting the book club meeting, she can’t give an opinion of the book. She’s too preoccupied.

She isn’t even bothered when wine is spilt.

Though despite Clive being back, Susan does still have some pride.

[Susan] “I’m worried the food’s not up to much”

[Jennifer] “Well it looks very inviting”

But Susan starts crying.

And admits to Jennifer that Clive is back.

[Jennifer] “Clive! OH my god? He’s not upstairs!”

(tee-hee about him being upstairs again. As if anyone would cope with another Free the Ambridge One campaign …).

Susan still feels the need to apologise for what Clive did to Kate, Debbie and Jack during the robbery (and what about Betty, George, Christine, Alastair, Shula, Sharon, Jill ….)

[Jennifer] “You mustn’t let your brother ruin everything”

[Susan] “But that’s what he does. That’s exactly what he does. Over and over again”

Monday, 26 September 2011

The Archers Monday 26th September 2011: Joe wants to sell Bartleby!

(nooooooooo!)

Clarrie wants to be worn out, Pat has a speedy potato harvest, and Susan’s cherry sank …
Pat also isn’t getting on well with the bookclub book
Doesn’t Joe have many “golden days” to go?
A bit of Keats
James and Leonie have annoyed Jim again
Pat wants to run away
Jim has a new pet project
The Christmas birds are getting ready
Bartleby for the glue factory?

Clarrie wants to be worn out, Pat has a speedy potato harvest, and Susan’s cherry sank …

I kid you not.

Clarrie would give anything to be worn out at the end of the day.

(she hasn’t got work to do)

Bridge Farm has got in the potato harvest in record time.

(well, they’re not busy elsewhere …)

And Pat got a cake from Susan as it was a reject from her Flower and Produce Show entries as the cherry had sunk to the bottom.

(Kathy can confirm that this often happens).

Pat also isn’t getting on well with the bookclub book

She’s stuck on page 20. And reckons it’s all “doom and gloom”

(must be a Scottish author then, I reckon).

[Pat] “The heroine spends her time sobbing in the milking parlour”

Doesn’t seem Susan’s choice is any better than the last one then.

Doesn’t Joe have many “golden days” to go?

Joe, Clarrie and Jim are out picking apples for Joe’s cider.

Joe starts talking about how there are not many golden days left.

Then Clarrie reckons he sounds a bit wheezy.

And when Jim checked Joe was okay about being squarely beaten by Bert entries to the Flower and produce Show.

[Joe] “ … no big deal is it eh, not in the great scheme of things”

Oh dear.

That’s not Joe at all.

A bit of Keats

[Jim] “Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, close bosom-friend of the maturing son … I think Keats must have imagined a scene just like this”

[Joe] “I tell you what, he should have wrote a poem to the Borchester Beauty!”

(an apple)

James and Leonie have annoyed Jim again

Jim is happy that James and Leonie didn’t discover about them apple picking.

[Jim] “We’ll have to swear everyone to secrecy about the cider making or they’ll be down on us like bats out of hell”

Pat wants to run away

[Pat] “It all gets on top of me, I suppose. I just can’t think straight”

Seems Pat and Tony are at the point of having to ask the bank to reduce their mortgage payments, or extend the loan – and Pat hasn’t even begun to think about the £10,000 fine from Underwoods (which isn’t covered by insurance).

[Pat] “I just feel like running away sometimes”

But she doesn’t.

Cause she’s Pat.

Pat tells Kathy that Tom’s being “more cheerful” these days because of his and Brenda’s marketing plans. Which obviously included ditching the brand Pat and Tony have worked for decades to build.

Can anyone blame Pat for feeling a bit negative?

[Kathy] “Things have got to get better, though”

[Pat] “That’s what I keep telling myself”

Jim has a new pet project

Clarrie was telling Jim that there were more varieties of apple when the Grundy’s lived at Grange Farm.

As Oliver hasn’t got time (eh? I thought he was very bored), he’s not looking after the orchard properly.

On pondering it, Jim thinks that the Orchard could produce twice as much as it does.

Ahoy community project!

[Jim] “It would be such a wonderful opportunity to preserve the old varieties”

[Clarrie] “It’s a nice thought Jim, but it’d need a lot of people giving up their time, wouldn’t it”

Which reminds them both of the Village Shop volunteers.

And reminds Jim that running a project with volunteers isn’t as easy as it could seem.

The Christmas birds are getting ready

Blimey – it’s almost like the supermarkets having the Christmas chocolate boxes already out now.

Still, as Clarrie said, the Grundy’s needs their birds this year more than ever.

Bartleby for the glue factory?

Joe tells Clarrie he’d been thinking about how to earn more money.

He doesn’t reckon his pony and trap business will make much difference.

So:

[Joe] “why don't I sell Bartleby …”

[Clarrie] “That’s very kind, but I would let you”

[Joe] “He wouldn’t be worth very much I know … it’d save on his feed”

[Clarrie] “You are Bartleby comes as a pair”

[Joe] “Yeah, well you wouldn’t get much for me, come to that”

Good god!

It is very kind of Joe to put his family before himself – but none of it seems kind to poor Bartleby (and it would have broken Joe’s heart).

Why the severe sacrifice?

[Joe] “When I thought I’d never see you again …”

It’s only taken decades, but I think Joe (and Eddie) might finally appreciate Clarrie.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

The Archers Tuesday 13th September 2011: Where is Clarrie???

That was really (really) horrible
Freshly rubbed down trap for hire
Joe’s birthday will be a riot
“I know a joke about Pythagoras”
They only noticed when their tummies felt empty

That was really (really) horrible

Just an average day in the village shop.

Clarrie’s in buying scourers. Susan is wittering on about something or other (though her mum does have a best chest).

Never a word of warning about the horror we were about to witness.

Clarrie has been asking Susan about whether there had been any interested in the card she put up.

I thought it was brave of Clarrie in the first place – advertising that you are available for work could be seen as desperate, and I’d imagine could be a bit embarrassing. But, Clarrie is as Clarrie does – she soldiers on.
Susan told Clarrie that lots of people have “commented” on the card … “like they were interested”.

Though she did sound a bit shifty.

Clarrie then goes to the back of the shop to find a scourer – Vicky comes out from the store room (or something) and blurts out:

[Vicky] “Susan, I didn’t tell you, did I, about what the awful man Derek Fletcher said about Clarrie’s advert …’Who'd want that dirty woman doing your cleaning or looking after your kids’ …”

Susan did try to tell Vicky to shut, and Vicky didn’t realise Clarrie was in.

But damage done.

Clarrie leaves the shop, understandably devastated.

[Vicky] “I only mentioned it, because he made me so angry about what he’d said Vicky … I need to tell her I’m on her side really!”

Good lord.

Bad enough that Clarrie brought E coli into Bridge Farm. Bad enough that folks got ill. Bad enough that Clarrie had to leave her job, and Pat/Tony are in dire straits. Bad enough that Clarrie knew there’d be rumours.

But.

For a woman like Clarrie, to be so unreservedly called “dirty” is beyond the pale. She’ll now think that’s what everyone is has been saying behind her back.

My poor Clarrie. What have they done to you?

Freshly rubbed down trap for hire

I'd get in there quick, if I were you.

Joe’s also putting a sign up to say Bartleby’s trap is available for weddings AND funerals.

Wonder if that includes Bartleby’s services?

Joe’s birthday will be a riot

Well, not at all, actually.

Between Jim and Bert, it’s going to be a tad tame, if they get their way.

[Jim] “It’s never a good idea to spend the entire day drinking and eating”

[Bert] “I’m not sure Joe would agree with you there”

[Jim] “In my experience theses sort of landmark events are always more satisfying when there’s an element of intellectual stimulation … it’s Joe’s 90th which means he was born in 1921, how about a move, a period classic … The Battleship Potemkin, good action stuff

[Bert] “Is that one of Spielberg’s?”

[Jim] “Eisenstein …”

(course we, erm, all knew that …. Just in case, here’s where I looked it up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Battleship_Potemkin)

Bert reckons that sort of film is not what Joe would want with his cider, and he also try to steer Jim away from another quiz (it’d hurt their heads, he reckons) – not a quiz as hurt heads.

Eddie comes in as they’re chatting, and tells them that they just need to have cider. The rest will take care of itself.

“I know a joke about Pythagoras”

Steady on there Jim!

Still on about Joe’s 90th, Bert has suggested a comedy hour. Then suggested a cribbage tournament. Eddie’s not amused by that one.

[Eddie] “about as exciting as watching a fly walk up the wall …might as well do a poker school”

[Bert] “My Freda don’t hold with poker”

[Eddie] “Women never do, that’s why blokes play it”

Jim came up with an interesting fact (that was genuinely interesting … or at least it was to me).

Seems Cribbage is the only pub game you can legally play for money.

(I did say it was interesting … not ground-breaking!).

The cribbage chat sets Bert and Jim off on thoughts of dominoes, shove ha’penny, table skittles …

… so, Joe’s birthday is now a day of “traditional pub games”

Which sounds fine.

Expect I agree with Eddie.

Just get the cider in.

They only noticed when their tummies felt empty

Eddie and Joe take a while to realise that something is amiss.

It’s only tea time that Eddie notices Clarrie isn’t around.

[Eddie] “Hasn’t she put any supper in?”

So – Eddie decides to check The Bull to see if Clarrie got a last minute shift.

Course, he doesn’t phone. He needs to go there in person.

But he makes sure that Joe knows to tell Clarrie that he fancies toad in the hole tonight.

After spending a fair while at the pub (talking to Jim and Bert about Joe’s 90th), Eddie returns home.

[Joe] “Oh there you are, have you brought anything in for supper?”

No. Eddie hasn’t, as he expected Clarrie back.

But she isn’t there.

She’s not at Will and Nic’s, he can’t get through to Ed and Emma, so Eddie calls Susan.

[Susan] “Are you saying he hasn’t been back since then … so where is she then … just a minute, there’s something I ought to tell you Eddie … very upset … I think she took it the wrong way …”

Eddie finally twigs that something is indeed amiss. Clarrie hasn’t been seen for hours on hours.

I am genuinely worried for Clarrie.

She feels so guilty, has no job, Eddie is having to work for make up for her loss of earnings AND now she knows for sure that folks are talking behind her back.

Goodness knows where she’s gone to.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The Archers Sun 5th Dec 2010: Clarrie takes a fall

Torture for Lily and Freddie
Fun for Elizabeth and Nigel
Joe is trying to ‘stop global warming’
Ouch!
Quite Christmassy indeed

Torture for Lily and Freddie

Can you imagine being a kid and having your own skating rink – yet being forced to watch others enjoying it while you have to do homework.

Poop!

I really do think Nigel is taking all of this far too far. The wee bairns shouldn’t have to do practise papers on a Sunday. Especially when they have the rather marvellous Deck the Halls happening all around them.

Practise papers on a Sunday for Lily and Freddie – haven’t even got on the skating rink yet (torture!)

Fun for Elizabeth and Nigel

Relenting to actually let everyone have a bit of fun, Nigel is quite quick to let himself and Elizabeth enjoy the ice rink.

[Elizabeth] “It’s nice to think I can still do swan if I try”

[Nigel] “I feel like more some kind of duck”

[Elizabeth] “I think you look handsome and distinguished”

[Nigel] “Gosh – how romantic!”

And fun, Nigel. Fun.

Indeed – fun for all the family (you child slave driver!)

Joe is trying to ‘stop global warming’

Well, that’s his reason (today) for the seasonal trap rides with Bartleby.

Nothing to do with earning a few bob then …

Joe never does mean any harm with his scams, and I do feel really quite sorry for him with the utter failure of this one. He’s out in the cold all day, without much to show for his efforts.

Still, it sounds like Joe is about to expand out in kissing boughs and mistletoes. So maybe those will prove more fruitful.

But Saint Clarrie brightens his day by buying a ride off of him home – which will get both of them back out of the cold (if utterly missing the point of earning more for the Grundy household).

Ouch!

Now that really was ironic.

After having a marvellous time with Eddie on Decks The Halls’ skating rink, and then telling Joe to watch is steps on the icy path at home, Clarrie herself slips, and goes crashing down.

Joe and Kathy take Clarrie off to hospital, with Eddie rushing from Lower Loxley to then find out that Clarrie’s actually broken her wrist.

[Eddie] “Marvellous ain’t it … you goes skating … then slips on the path”

[Clarrie] “I can’t believe I could do such a stupid thing!”

[ Clarrie] “I’m going to be in plaster for 6 weeks … right before Christmas… how am I going to work … Christmas shipping and the dinner to cook and a house to clean and the turkeys to pluck”

Phew! And she only has her Grundy menfolk to depend on, so we can only hope Nic, Emma and the rest of the Ambridge women can manage to fill the massive vacuum that is Clarrie.

Very old fashioned indeed, but the fact remains Clarrie does for all, with the men in her life only creating grief.

Quite Christmassy indeed

I know the carols, ice skating and talk of lovely decorations and markets will have struck horror into those who can’t abide this time of year.

But I love it.

The Archers Fri 3rd Dec 2010: Brookfield robbed

Take good care Lewis
Nearly a topical insert – University fees
Poor Bartleby
Tamworths are not suitable for the nativity
Eddie’s very versatile
David’s an afternoon drunk
Brookfield burgled
Flu in Ambridge

Take good care Lewis

“If Lewis breaks something, what will happen to the schedule for the elves!”

Elizabeth and Nigel are utterly dependent on Lewis for the success of Deck the Halls at Lower Loxley. So it simply wouldn’t be on for Lewis to go ice skating and chance breaking something.

I had to remind myself who Lewis Carmichael was. He’s a retired gent, who was an architect and was courting Julia Pargetter just before she died.

Nearly a topical insert – University fees

Seemingly Tom had mentioned the other day that if Brenda had gone away for Uni, she’d have graduated with £20,000 plus in debt.

David and Ruth are talking today about how they couldn’t have afforded to have gone to Uni if debt and fees had been as high in their days.

Poor Bartleby

I’m sure Bartleby is happy to even just spend some quality time out and about with Joe, but Joe’s efforts to sell trap rides all sound a bit depressing.

[Ruth] “It’s Bartleby I feel sorry for … poor old thing gets harnessed to the trap every day .. then he has to wait about on the green with bits of tinsel in his bridle trying to look festive”

Still, at least their Ben bought a ride (then made Ruth pay for it). Though I doubt taking a child home has made up for all of Joe (and Bartleby’s) effort.

Tamworths are not suitable for the nativity

According to Nigel.

Eddie’s very versatile

During a chat to Nigel about the Panto, Eddie says that he’s to play both of the rats (after Nathan stormed off).

[Nigel] “A one man double act?”

[Eddie] “I’m very versatile”

I don’t quite see how that will work (how can Eddie chase himself, but I’m sure Lynda has a cunning plan.

David’s an afternoon drunk

It was obvious yesterday that David wanted to let loose at the NFU Christmas lunch, and he seems to have managed. Well, in a calm and safe David way.

He sounds a tad squiffy as Ruth drives him home, and is bemoaning that he got cornered by one of the NFU cronies:

[David] “Steve Pratt … of course, if anyone lived up to their billing”

Ruth seems to have also had a good time:

[Ruth] “Had a really good conversation about food security”

(bless).

Brookfield burgled

David and Ruth return from the NFU Christmas lunch to find that someone nasty bugger had stolen all of their hay (several tonnes of it), and, to add insult to injury, they used Brookfield’s own loader to shift it.

They can claim from insurance, but that will mean their insurance premiums will increase and they will now get less fodder for their money (due to escalating prices).

It’s all a bit suspicious that the robbery happened while both David and Ruth were out together – a very rare occurrence. So, it must have been someone who knew the NFU lunch was happening, and that they would be attending.

Could it even have been an Ambridge resident?!?

As David said, it’s like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted, but he’s going to start the local group he used to run with other farmers to help improve security.

Who you going to call … Farmwatch!

Flu in Ambridge

Here we go.

Elizabeth has lost her choir, and also one of her Santa stand-ins has gone down.

Wonder who is next.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

The Archers Fri 19th Nov 2010: Helen just won’t stop

The Archers: Pigs with colds … Pip’s a fast driver … Jazzer wants something … Joe’s got a new scam … Helen’s getting worse

Jazzer’s still worried about wheezing pigs
Is Jazzer also coming down with something?
Eddie doesn’t like to boast
Pip’s a Boy Racer
Team Jazzer & Harry
Would Bert really abuse those cows?
Joe works for tea?
David wants a freebie
Cobwebs behind the cistern
Tony’s decisive, but his kids are too driven

Jazzer’s still worried about wheezing pigs

Seemingly a second has come down with a bit of a wheeze, but Jazzer’s managed to get them both put inside for a bit of RandR.

Maybe we should start a knitting to group to get those pigs some toasty jumpers.

Is Jazzer also coming down with something?

“Get a time machine - go back and start your life again – but this time, pay attention”

What?

That was what Jazzer said to Tony when Tony tried to get the inside info on the forthcoming quiz answers.

How decidedly odd.

Eddie doesn’t like to boast

But he goes ahead with it anyway.

“I don’t like to boast . Linda virtually declared me and Nathan the stars of the show”

Oh far too cocky! You know that pride comes before a fall …

Pip’s a Boy Racer

Or, at least that’s what you’d believe if you listened to David.

Team Jazzer & Harry

[Jazzer] “My natural instinct is to be a team player – we’re shaping up to be a pretty good team”

Jazzer’s waxing lyrical to Harry about how good they are together.

They’re working on the quiz together, and Jazzer even cooked tea for Harry last night.

[Jazzer] “It was good scran tae …all the extras bits were my own as well – the chilli sauce, the grated cheese on top …”

[Harry, rather sarcastically] “Those were some of the nicest beans on toast I ever had”

Later on, Jazzer even rushes to Harry’s aid (unasked) when something at the milking needs fixing.

Despite losing Harry’s wee screwdriver (let’s hope it didn’t cost as much as his knife or pan did!), Jazzer’s determined to make sure Harry knows that he’s making a real effort.

Especially on the shared cooking front.

Not that Jazzer wants to do the cooking every day:

[Jazzer] “I still want to enjoy ma food”

But he is quite keen to share the duties. As long as Harry cooks tonight. Because Jackie is coming round (ah ha!)

[Jazzer] “I do the cooking, you get the credit … She cannae decide whether to stick or twist yet … They just blame you for filling them with wind (beans)”

Harry doesn’t completely fall for it, instead suggesting that he can talk Jazzer through the cooking.

Not very amused by this suggestion, Jazzer reckons:

“You’ve got a long way to go before you get the idea of this teamwork thing, Harry”

Would Bert really abuse those cows?

Telling David that he can’t work on Christmas day (yikes – a full Grundy is taking shape), Eddie snorts over the idea of Bert handling the milking

[Eddie] “Bert manhandling them wouldn’t have been the best present for the cows!”

Poor Bert. That’s a horrible slut on his character.

Joe works for tea?

Did I hear that right?

Did Eddie say to David that Joe was giving folks rides on the green (with Bartleby and his trap) for teas?

David wants a freebie

Honestly, is David ever positive about anything his siblings do?

Elizabeth and Nigel are doing a lovely open day at Lower Loxley for the family, but David’s already moaning as it won’t include the ice rink.

Come on David. Where’s your festive cheer?!?

Cobwebs behind the cistern

What on earth is Helen thinking?

She gets forced to take time off of work to rest her hurt ankle, so uses the time to paint her flat. But it’s okay, as it’s mainly the skirting boards. Which are scuffed. Which, of course, the baby would be very upset about (!).

Pat catches Helen as she takes round a cottage pie (which is unlikely to be eaten by the ever calorie conscious Helen), and is rightly indignant.

[Helen] “I won’t get a better opportunity than now – I want the flat to be perfect when the baby comes … come on mum, you know how untidy this place gets … there was cobwebs behind the cistern!”

[Pat] “Can’t you just read a book instead!”

Helen really just gets worse and worse. If cobwebs behind a cistern upset her, just imagine what a kid smothered in mud (and goodness knows what else) will do to her sense of calm.

It’s almost as if she expects her baby to sit quietly, without making a mess.

Well, at least it won’t be offended by wee bits of crime.

More importantly, during her wee argument with Pat, Helen is forced to sit down.

Tony’s decisive, but his kids are too driven

[Pat, slightly smouldering, on Tony saying ‘yes’ to Tom’s energy saving ideas] “I was very impressed how decisive you were about that Tony”

[Tony] “Yes. He’d worn down my resistance … he’d done a good job … and is determined to put us on a better footing, so why not”

[Pat] “I do sometimes wish our children weren’t so driven … she’s been micromanaging organics online … running around the flat tidying up and painting … she’s washed the walls of the shower room top to bottom”

[Tony] “… unless she was silly enough to stand on a chair …”

(course she has been!)

[Pat] “Her whole body is telling her to slow down and be careful”

[Tony] “she just doesn’t know how to stop”

It’s time for an intervention!

Saturday, 13 November 2010

The Archers Fri 12th Nov 2010: The Night of the YFC Ball

The Archers: Will and Ed on a night out together … Eddie’s being sneaky

Nic and Will are looking dapper
Eddie wants the coast to be clear
All because Pip didn’t check the size of TCB
Didn’t Nic want a nice night out?
It was Jade, actually
First rule of pregnancy
I was wrong about Matthew
Now Eddie’s cutting toenails!

Nic and Will are looking dapper

According to Eddie and Clarrie.

Nice has the “perfect” dress on, and Will has a new red bow tie.

[Will] “Well, you can’t be too stuffy”

Of course, Eddie can’t help winding up Will

[Eddie] “What about you William? Playing the maracas – are you part of the band?”

Clarrie, as usual, is all too aware of what her boys could get up to, and tries to advise Will:

[Clarrie] “It doesn’t matter who else is there Will, you just relax and enjoy”

“If they keep themselves to themselves, they’ll be alright”

Eddie wants the coast to be clear

Joe’s just mucked out Bartleby, is in the bath, then is off out to The Bull to play cribbage with Bert.

Clarrie’s tackling a mountain of ironing:

[Ed] “Are you doing that whole basket of ironing now?”

[Clarrie] “No, the queen of the fairies is taking over in 5 minutes … what do you think?”

(I can’t do Clarrie any justice on the above quote – it has to be listened to in order to understand it as a proper *snort* moment)

Eddie then tries to persuade Clarrie that she should take a dish back to Kathy, right now, because he “doesn’t want getting a name as bad neighbours”

which, quite unbelievably, seemed to work. Off our Clarrie pops …

… until she pops right back in again, catching Eddie in the act of going through Joe’s pockets.

[Clarrie] “Give me that!”

[Eddie] “It’s nothing”

[Clarrie] “I’ll be the judge”

(when she realises it’s to do with the Race Evening)

[Clarrie] How can you stoop so low … taking advantage of the British Legion”

[Eddie] “It isn’t what you’re thinking at all”

Oh dear. Two minutes into his and Jazzer’s cunning plan to get one up on Nathan Booth, Eddie’s already mucked it up.

What a surprise!

All because Pip didn’t check the size of TCB

TCB is the band playing at the YFC Ball

(TCB seemingly stands for Taking Care of Business (Elvis Presley) and the Tommy Crocker Band – as the saxophone player is the grandson of Tommy Crocker, who used to play at Grey Gables and was one of Jack’s favourite bands … so I’m told).

But Pip didn’t check how many were in the band, so now her table plan is completely defunct.

It sounds like she was able to find a spot for everyone (I bloomin’ well hope so – it would be great value as a dinner dance if you couldn’t actually sit down for dinner).

And Emma reckons:

“It just makes it cosier being bunched up”

But Emma didn’t think that through.

It all depends on who you’re actually having to bunch up with.

Didn’t Nic want a nice night out?

While I applaud Nic’s efforts to try and get Ed and Will back to acting at least half-decent around each other, why do so on one of her very rare nights away from the kids and work?

As her and Will arrive, she decides that the best plan would be to plonk themselves down on the same table as Ed and Emma.

Even stranger still that the other three went along with Nic’s brilliant plan (albeit grudgingly). Surely one of them could have said ‘no’?

[Nic] “Won’t do the boys any harm, trying to be civilised with each other for once”

As the foursome settle down to their evening, Will gets in a round.

And manages not to shout at or punch Ed.

They all take to the dance floor, and still no shouting or punching.

Even Will and Emma have quite a civilised chat:

[Emma] “Will, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you myself (about the baby)”

[Will] “It’s okay … it doesn’t matter … George left his gloves on Tuesday”

Well that’s progress, even if Will had to quickly change the subject.

Things seem to start going downhill as the evening progresses, but there’s still no shouting or punching.

Just a sarcastic quip from Will as Ed retells Pip’s tale about Tommy Crocker.

As Emma and Nic bond over swollen ankles (not literally – Emma has them, Nic has the memory of them), Ed and Will start to argue over who should be buying the next round.

But just when it looks like the bloodshed is about to commence, Nic steps in to say that it’s her and Emma’s round (even though she has to take a sub off of Will to buy it).

So the evening went off without a bang (just like The Bull’s bonfire night – well, there was bangs, but the overall impression of the evening was a bit of a ‘pfffff’).

But does this mean that Ed and Will will start being nice chaps to each other?

Will there be more double dating?

Cripes. It might be the calmest Christmas day in the Grundy for many a year.

It was Jade, actually

Oo-er Pip!

That was a bit snooty.

So Ed doesn’t know the difference between green and jade.

You should take the compliments where you can get them. Especially as it doesn’t like there’s much fruitiness afoot with Lucan.

I was wrong about Matthew

Izzy seemingly didn’t look happy with Matthew from the start.

And Pip later reports that Izzy has:
“Given up on Matthew … he grows an extra pair of hands with every drink”

Oh well. I wonder if Izzy still had “boring” Gary to fall back on.

First rule of pregnancy

Is to find out where the rules are.

Wonder if Helen is aware of that one amongst her lentils, exercise and calorie counting.

Now Eddie’s cutting toenails!

But it wasn’t as gross as Clarrie cutting Joe’s.

Eddie was tending to one of his ferrets (Brooklyn)

[Clarrie] “You spend more time grooming your ferrets than yourself”

As Brooklyn tries to muck about with Clarrie’s washing, I was left wondering is a ferret really does make those sort of noises …

Friday, 27 August 2010

The Archers 26th August 2010: Lamb Tagine and Artichokes

The Archers: Lynda and Elizabeth plating … Litter, Litter everywhere … Lamb Tagine

Lynda and Elizabeth come out
What’s all this litter?
Bank Holiday weekend fun
Lamb Tagine
Eddie’s “professional development”
Lily chooses her career path
Hurrah! Ed get’s his artichokes!

Lynda and Elizabeth come out

Unlike their last planting foray together, this time Lynda and Elizabeth are plating during the day, out in public.

(seemingly, is the land is a bit dry – dig deeper and sprinkle it with water)

What’s all this litter?

A kebab? The horror!

First there’s litter in the playground, then another of David and Ruth’s cows get cut by a broken bottle.

Who’s the litter lout?

Bank Holiday weekend fun

Joe and Bartleby are out and about with signed advertising their campsite, while Lower Loxley has a steam rally.

Lashings of ginger beer it shall be!

Lamb Tagine

I think that’s what Susan said she’d decided to cook for Brian and Jennifer, but she did seem to pronounce it differently every time.

Whatever it is, even Lynda thinks it’s quite ambitious. Which doesn’t at all bode well.

Saving no expense, Susan’s determined to go ahead with cooking a recipe she hasn’t tried before.

Though her trial run didn’t go at all well.

“ is it supposed to taste like this?”

says Neil

“Oh it’s …. You can’t serve that … it’s the spices …can’t put my finger on it… just tastes all wrong”

says Emma.

Whatever Susan’s managed to do to the recipe (which she claims she followed step for step), she’s now in a panic that it’s wrong, but she doesn’t have time to try it again before the big night.

She should’ve stuck to Steak and Kidney pudding.

Eddie’s “professional development”

As much as “Eddie ‘Subtly is my middle name’ Grundy” often has cunning plans which cost him more than he earns, you got to hand it to him that he knows his way around David Archer.

Managing to persuade David that he needs to go to the diary event for he “professional development”, he also gets David to buy Ed’s ticket as well.

Every penny saved …

Lily chooses her career path

Whereas Freddie doesn’t like boarding school, Lily seems to be quite a robust young girl who takes everything in her stride.

She’s decided she wants to be a vet who writes in her spare time. Which will leave Freddie with Lower Loxley.

Let’s hope he’s grows into the gorilla costume well in time.

Hurrah! Ed get’s his artichokes!

I did say to try Underwoods, but Ed’s finally got his artichokes.

Apologetic because the hollandaise sauce was out of a packet, Ed surprises Emma with this most prized of vegetables.

Very sweet that Emma also didn’t know how to eat them

(“not in a quiche like last time”)

Ed’s already in the know after asking Alice and Jennifer.

And after all that effort, Emma really likes them.

“let me eat my artichokes in peace!”

she demanded of Susan.

If this was a pregnancy craving, let’s hope she finds something a bit more easy for Ed to find and deal with. The poor man will be run ragged.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

27th July 2010

The Archers: Josh helps Pip … Alysha and Kerry arrive in Ambridge

If Eddie had been to College …
Nope. Pip is still a madam
Joe’s veg isn’t selling
Four large tommies, two new ladies

If Eddie had been to College …

… he “might not have ended up hauling compost”

There’s always shit to shovel Eddie, no matter what you do for a living.

Nope. Pip is still a madam

Jude may be gone, but that doesn’t mean Pip isn’t still an annoying teen.

How cheeky was she, trying to guilt Ruth (while she was milking) into helping her to do her college assignment? The one which she left to that last minute. After trying to leave College. For a manboy.

At least she knows Josh has to see the hard cash before he’ll relent to help her. Even though she does seem to veer between ‘you’re doing really well’ and ‘you’re an idiot’ without warning.

Joe’s veg isn’t selling

Only £10 in one day, but at least he’s annoying Susan.

And at least Bartleby has shade and grass. It’ll be a nice change for him to be out and about on the green.

Four large tommies, two new ladies

And there was me thinking Joe was about to be busted for illegal veg trading, but it turned out to be a New Zealand sheep shearer (with her quiet mate).

Bert waxed so lyrical about Ambridge to Alysha and Kerry (our new New Zealand sheep shearing ladies), that they decided it must be experienced.

While it didn’t sound like Bert gave Camp Grundy a good review, and after initially seeming quite unimpressed about the campsite, it looks like they’ll be around for a week or so.

Not sure why they changed their mind and stayed – but the Grundy’s are taking the utter mick with their prices.

£10 a night! Outrageous when the only facility they have is a cold water tap.

Anyhoo – that’s another New Zealand connection (Kenton hooks up with one of them, then emigrates to be with them and his daughter?), and two potential love interests for all the single men of Ambridge.