And, Right On Cue...

Joseph in IL steps in and pinch-hits for my muse with this story...

Man arrested; deputies say he aimed banana at them

A man is facing a felony menacing charge after two western Colorado sheriff's deputies say he pointed a banana at them and they thought it was a gun.

[drops mike] I'm done.

I mean, seriously. How can I possibly parody this? How can you come up with satire when real life is that much more bizarre? Now, I won't dig on the cops too much. It's possible this guy whipped the banana out quickly, before they could identify the item but just saw something in the man's hand. To their credit, they held their fire after the man explained it was a banana.

It gets better, though.

The Grand Junction Daily Sentinel reports 27-year-old Nathan Rolf Channing, of Fruitvale, was arrested Sunday.

See? Can't. Make. This. Up.

Fruitvale. A banana. I think my work here is done.

No, wait, there's this:



Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

That is all.

How They Roll Down Under...

Dear Jigsaw: WTF, over?

Kangaroos Slug It Out on Suburban Street





I understand that such displays are perfectly normal in nature. Makes sense, even. However, the fact that they're doing it outside of nature (i.e., in a subdivision) makes me wonder. I'm guessing the 'roos are on a par with the deer and turkeys around here; i.e. they've gotten so used to humans that they don't scurry on sight.

Of course, that means in a pinch, you've got a handy mobile food source...

That is all.

The Pun Is the Lowest Form of Humor...

Again, blame OldNFO...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Say it with me now: Groooooaaaaan...

That is all.

The Lowest Form Of Humor...

Blame OldNFO...

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." “But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am?

I am the King!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire. . . . and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant.

The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

---

I reiterate: Blame OldNFO...

That is all.

"With G-d As My Witness...

...I thought ping pong balls could fly." Mad props to Joseph in IL for allowing me to use that awesome WRKP line again. He sends in this ridiculous story that should be good for a larf.

Pilot mistake means pingpong balls rain on highway

A pilot who dropped 3,000 pingpong balls that were redeemable for prizes missed a crowd assembled for the stunt and instead hit a nearby interstate.

Organizers immediately called off the contest. Aaron Moon and helpers on Saturday told revelers at Blackfoot Pride Days not to risk retrieving the pingpong balls amid high-speed traffic because organizes still planned to pass out the prizes.

Man, that had to have been one crazy commute, no? All of a sudden your car is getting pelted by hail the size of ping pong ba- WAIT! Those really ARE ping pong balls!

I'm guessing that, due to the light weight, there was little-to-no-damage done to the cars, except perhaps for folks that panicked. It's funny that the pilot didn't factor gravity into his assessment. He apparently thought that ping pong balls had some inherent glide capability.

At least the ping pong balls didn't hit the ground like wet sacks of cement...

That is all.

I'm Very Truly Sorry...

Joseph in IL sent this story in. You have been warned...

Popping stalled truck's hood yields scaly surprise

When a woman's pickup stalled on a street in Santa Fe, New Mexico, local chef Jackson Ault stopped to lend a hand.

Ault and the driver both ended up with a surprise Thursday when Ault popped the hood and found a brown and yellow python slithering across the engine block.

I think, in the grand scheme of things that would result in "Jay running around and screaming like a little girl," finding a damn 20-pound python under the hood of the Earthf**ker would be right up near the top of the list. I mean, I guess it's logical - one of the critters that like to make their homes in car motors are mice, which are nice, tasty snake chow when you get right down to it.

Why do I hear Samuel L. Jackson right now (NSFW):



I do have to wonder, though: Was the cause of the stalling the ... [this is the part I'm sorry about] ... serpentine belt?

That is all.

Oh, SNAP...

Over here, on a discussion on the recent revelation that GM is recalling another 7.6 million cars, was this one-liner that stole the whole show:

What's the difference between GM and Lois Learner. Lois can't recall anything, GM recalls everything.

Yep. Pack it in. This guy has won the entire internet...

That is all.

Homer, There's Someone Here Who Can Help You...

Since I'm on a Simpson's kick, here's my favorite exchange from my favorite episode, ever.


batman's a scientist. from ruben on Vimeo.

There is, of course, a story to go with this clip. Many years ago, when I was a young man, I enjoyed going camping. And when I say "going camping," I of course mean "sleeping in a tent and drinking beer and eating meat all day long." Well, right after I graduated from college, we arranged what would come to be known as "The greatest camping trip in the history of western civilization" - an entire week at a remote campground with nothing to do but drink beer, hike trails, drink beer, swim in the river, drink beer, cook meals over the campfire, drink beer, and enjoy nature.

Oh, and drink beer.

Well, naturally, the woods can't truly be enjoyed unless there's a couple dozen 20-somethings all drinking beer and sleeping in tents. SCI-FI and I set up camp and proceeded to bounce Simpson's quotes off each other pretty much the entire week. At one point, a camera was passed around, and one of the guys was caught, axe in hand, about to cut some firewood. When we got the pictures back (this was before the days of digital cameras, kids), we took one look at the picture and knew the caption immediately.

"If I hear 'Batman's a scientist' one more time I'm gonna hurt someone"...

That is all.

Friday Fun...

Oh sweet fuzzy Vishnu. Y'all have GOT to read this...

The 17 Stupidest Facebook Statuses Ever Published.

Just... Go read. SRSLY.

I think this one is my favorite:

Three guesses who *she* voted for in 2012...

That is all.

*Chortle*

Skidmark sent this in. Go ahead. Watch this without laughing. I dare you...



Chinese on the menu in prison... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That is all.

Not Gonna Do It...

No April Fool's day joke this year. Y'all see right through me, plus anyone sharp enough to read this blog would *obviously* know to check the calendar and not believe anything they read today, right?

Instead, here are some April Fool's day ideas and great historical gags...

27 Pranks You Need To Really Own April Fool’s Day


I especially like the Diet Coke made from soy sauce and Sprite. That's ingenious!

The Best April Fools’ Pranks Ever

I think Alabama redefining pi to be 3.0 "to keep it closer to the biblical value" is sheer comic GOLD.

17 Easy April Fools' Day Pranks To Play On Your Friends

The Chewbacca roar contest is pretty epic...

For the office:

9 Classic Office April Fool's Pranks That Will Never Die

They didn't have my favorite, which is the classic "cover everything in the victim's office in aluminum foil" prank.

For the parents:

15 April Fools' Day Pranks

I've pre-emptively signed my son up for the Marine Corp. Joke's on them.

And lastly, the biggest April Fool's day joke yet:

Enjoy the day, folks...

That is all.

Mathematically Yours...

Happy Pi day, everyone!

You know, because pi R square...

That is all.

Grand Rapids, Here We Come!

Joseph in IL had some good news for us today...

City to strike ban on being willfully annoying

It's soon expected to be OK to be willfully annoying in Grand Rapids.

The Grand Rapids Press reports that the City Commission is nixing a 38-year-old section of city code that states "no person shall willfully annoy another person."

Good, because I've been staying away from Grand Rapids my entire adult life for just that reason...

It always amuses me to see recaps of the inane laws still on the books in many places. As it turns out, there's an entire website devoted to them:

Dumb Laws

(I would wager there are many websites, but this is the first one that popped up)

Looking around the round world, it seems stupid laws are in all 50 states. Like my new state:

Dumb laws in Virginia

Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.

 

Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

Or my old state:

Dumb laws in Massachusetts

It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients.

Candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol.

Dumb laws aren't limited to the US, either. In Thailand, you cannot wear a kilt:

It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

In Israel, they have some bizarre rituals:

It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach.

Were sunbathing bruins really that big of a problem in the promised land?

Anyways, I'm sure that in each and every one of these instances, there's a compelling reason why the law was passed. Maybe it made sense at the time. Maybe it was in response to a specific incident. Maybe it's just a law that time forgot, like the rules about placing placards on motorcars in case you overtake a horse and carriage.

At least we don't have dumb, pointless laws that don't make any sense these days, right?

That is all.

That is all.

Your Thursday Afternoon Larf...

Heh. I can't stop giggling...

Greenpeace co-founder: No scientific proof humans are dominant cause of warming climate

A co-founder of Greenpeace told lawmakers there is no evidence man is contributing to climate change, and said he left the group when it became more interested in politics than the environment.

Patrick Moore, a Canadian ecologist and business consultant who was a member of Greenpeace from 1971-86, told members of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee environmental groups like the one he helped establish use faulty computer models and scare tactics in promoting claims man-made gases are heating up the planet.

Okay, when your religion takes a hit from no less than one of the founding high priests, that's gotta sting. I mean, you don't get any earthy-crunchier than Greenpeace, man. And when one of the freakin' FOUNDERS of Greenpeace says, hey, I'm outta here, you guys are forgoing real environmental help for politics, well, you would hope that would mean something.

Of course, you'd be wrong.

It's only a matter of time before the "No true Scotsman" accusations start flying. Moore's not a "real" environmentalist, because he doesn't drink the global warming climate change koolaid. Either that or they'll drum up accusations of Moore "selling out" - because no one could ever really deny that ZOMG MANMADE GLOBAL WARMING WILL KILL US ALL.

When *Greenpeace* thinks you're full of s**t...

That is all.

Another dispatch from...

(image courtesy of Robb Allen)

NOW We Know What Happened!

Gerry sends in this pictorial evidence of what caused the collapse at the Corvette museum:

Guess you broke into the wrong got-damned 'Vette room, didn'tcha?

That is all.

Monday Funnies...

OldNFO makes with the yuks today...

The 2013 Darwin Awards are out!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved  among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick mancurled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

Yeah, I'm not too sure about that last one. Having driven a few RVs in my time, you'd be hard-pressed to mistake the gasoline filler for the black water discharge - but then again, these are stupid criminals we're talking about. Someone looking to siphon gasoline out of someone's recreational vehicle isn't exactly a criminal mastermind here...

Have a good rest of your Monday the 13th, folks!

That is all.

...With Bad Attitudes...

Heh. Sent in by Jacqueline from TX is this uplifting story:

Central Texas Schlotzsky’s closed for ‘attitude adjustment’

ABILENE, Texas – A sign outside a Schlotzsky's restaurant in Abilene has a lot of people talking -- it says "closed for attitude adjustment."

The owner shut the doors last week after he said he noticed a decline in customer service. He fired some workers and retrained the rest.

I'll bet firing the ones with bad attitudes helped with the attitude adjustment, eh? This, right here, is why the concept of a "living wage" is so much crap. You start paying every chump with a heartbeat $15 an hour just for showing up, you watch as customer "service" becomes as outdated a concept as getting your windshield washed when you gas up your car.

So, yeah, I'm digging the idea of "closed for attitude adjustment." I'll wager part of the point is to show that when the business is closed, *no one* makes money. If they continue to provide really crappy customer service, the business will be closed permanently. So, you have two choices: Improve the customer service, or look for another job. Amazing that so many would choose "do such a crappy job the restaurant is driven out of business"...

Then again, they've got the shining example of the auto unions in Detroit to thank for that...

That is all.

Greatest. Idea. EVER.

Brad_in_MA sends in the best news I've heard in a long while:

Monty Python Said to Be Reuniting; Here's a Primer on Its History

British sketch comedy group Monty Python gave fans of the "Flying Circus" a reason to look on the bright side of life. Python comedian Terry Jones confirmed speculation that the five remaining members would be reuniting on stage. "We're getting together and putting on a show - it's real," Jones told the BBC Tuesday.

The news comes after a press conference was announced for Thursday during which John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin and Jones are expected to announce plans for a reunion. The sixth Monty Python member, Graham Chapman, died of cancer in 1989.

Ah, Monty Python. Helping nerds pretend to be hip for more than 40 years. Ni!



Only Monty Python could conceive of a world where the mafia tries to shake down the army - and then stop it for being too silly...

That is all

The Gaffe That Keeps On Giving...

Biden congratulates wrong guy in Boston mayor race

BOSTON (AP) — When Marty Walsh won the Boston mayor’s race, Vice President Joe Biden was quick to pick up the phone to congratulate him.

But, there was a problem. The Marty Walsh who Biden had on the other end of the phone wasn’t the Marty Walsh who had been elected to succeed longtime Boston Mayor Thomas Menino.

Ah, Plugs, you silly scamp. It's too bad you don't have, oh, the most powerful search team on the planet working for you, right? You know, so you could get the right Marty Walsh in Boston. I mean, that's not asking too much, is it? You know, to get the right guy on the phone? I doubt Biden actually picked up the phone and called; I'm sure this was pre-arranged.

Would have been nice if they'd gotten it right, mind you...

And again, I feel compelled to point out the dichotomy in treatment from the media. Dan Quayle reads off the cue card - which was wrong - and he is forever saddled with "potatoe", yet Biden comes out with a new screw-up pretty much on a regular basis and it's all "oh, leave poor Joe alone, you know the syphilis has rotted his brain"...

I will admit that picking Biden as VP is one of the smarter things Obama has done. There is practically no chance on this planet that anyone would want any harm to come to the President, as the risk of hearing the amazingly frightening phrase "President Biden" is far too great.  Then again, if Biden got out of hand we could always throw something shiny off in the tall grass...

Joe Biden truly is the comedic gift that keeps on giving...

That is all.

Everybody's Good For Something...

#1 Blogdaughter sends in a story that really drives that point home. Everyone is good for something - even if that something is to serve as a cautionary example. Or scare away pirates.

Britney Spears’ music used to fight Somali pirates

Britney Spears is being used as a secret weapon to fight Somali pirates.

The singer’s hits are being blasted out by tanker crews to deter kidnap attacks, merchant navy officer Rachel Owens told Metro UK.

Spears’s chart-toppers “Oops! I Did It Again" and "Baby One More Time” have proved to be the most effective at keeping the bandits at bay, she said.

Isn't that a kick in the teeth? After spending millions of dollars in ransom money, it turns out that all shipping companies need to do is invest a grand or so in a kickass stereo system and a few bucks on iTunes and the pirates all scatter.

I can't tell is this is a joke or a very clever ploy by Britney Spears' publicist. Perhaps this is to drum up some publicity for the once-been star. Maybe it's a clunky attempt to secure free passage on cruise ships for the fading star as her heyday rapidly grows in the rear-view mirror.

In any case, I get a major case of the giggles when I think of Somali pirates recoiling in horror at "Hit Me Baby One More Time"...

That is all.