Love and War

A Fond Farewell

Watch this touching, amazing video of a town, a community, a region, saying farewell to Beth and Butch.  My heart is full of love and wonder.   There is goodness in this world.



First Santa Cruz officers killed in the line of duty. 

21 Century Breakdown

only. just. seeing my way clear.

Love Poem

 

When my hand brushes your nipple,

An electric shock runs between my legs

And surprises me there.

When my hand glides against

The curve of your hip and flows down your thigh,

I must grab you and hold tight –

The light is coming.

When my fingers are deep inside you,

You moan my name and my chest ignites --

radiance and disintegration.

In and out we go in the semi dark

Plush of bed and bone,

Breath and sweat, lips and warm clefts,

Endless stratospheric stars.

When we have touched and touched again

And sighed heavily into the curve of our arms

The delta breeze puffs the curtains and

Sends relief to our incandescent skin.

I float into my dreaming

Knowing you are next to me there,

With dreams of your own.

From Jack Kornfield.

Meditation On Lovingkindness

This meditation uses words, images, and feelings to evoke a lovingkindness and friendliness toward oneself and others. With each recitation of the phrases, we are expressing an intention, planting the seeds of loving wishes over and over in our heart.
With a loving heart as the background, all that we attempt, all that we encounter will open and flow more easily. You can begin the practice of lovingkindness by meditating for fifteen or twenty minutes in a quiet place. Let yourself sit in a comfortable fashion. Let your body rest and be relaxed. Let your heart be soft. Let go of any plans or preoccupations.
Begin with yourself. Breathe gently, and recite inwardly the following traditional phrases directed toward our own well-being. You being with yourself because without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others.
May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May I be well in body and mind.
May I be at ease and happy.
As you repeat these phrases, picture yourself as you are now, and hold that image in a heart of lovingkindness. Or perhaps you will find it easier to picture yourself as a young and beloved child. Adjust the words and images in any way you wish. Create the exact phrases that best open your heart of kindness. Repeat these phrases over and over again, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind. Practice this meditation for a number of weeks, until the sense of lovingkindness for yourself grows. Be aware that this meditation may at times feel mechanical or awkward. It can also bring up feelings contrary to lovingkindness, feelings of irritation and anger. If this happens, it is especially important to be patient and kind toward yourself, allowing whatever arises to be received in a spirit of friendliness and kind affection. When you feel you have established some stronger sense of lovingkindness for yourself, you can then expand your meditation to include others. After focusing on yourself for five or ten minutes, choose a benefactor, someone in your life who has loved and truly cared for you. Picture this person and carefully recite the same phrases:
May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May you be well in body and mind.
May you be at ease and happy.
Let the image and feelings you have for your benefactor support the meditation. Whether the image or feelings are clear or not does not matter. In meditation they will be subject to change. Simply continue to plant the seeds of loving wishes, repeating the phrases gently no matter what arises.
Expressing gratitude to our benefactors is a natural form of love. In fact, some people find lovingkindness for themselves so hard, they begin their practice with a benefactor. This too is fine. The rule in lovingkindness practice is to follow the way that most easily opens your heart. When lovingkindness for your benefactor has developed, you can gradually begin to include other people in your meditation. Picturing each beloved person, recite inwardly the same phrases, evoking a sense of lovingkindness for each person in turn.
After this you can include others: Spend some time wishing well to a wider circle of friends. Then gradually extend your meditation to picture and include community members, neighbors, people everywhere, animals, all beings, the whole earth.
Finally, include the difficult people in your life, even your enemies, wishing that they too may be filled with lovingkindness and peace. This will take practice. But as your heart opens, first to loved ones and friends, you will find that in the end you won’t want to close it anymore.
Lovingkindness can be practiced anywhere. You can use this meditation in traffic jams, in buses, and on airplanes. As you silently practice this meditation among people, you will come to feel a wonderful connection with them – the power of lovingkindness. It will calm your mind and keep you connected to your heart.

TGIF

This week's TGIF takes the form of a poem.

 Long Days of Loss

Our grinning faces snuggled up close against the banquette

once again shine from my computer screen.

Days, weeks, months of tearful “what ifs?” – all gone.

I gaze at your eyes with tenderness in my heart

for all that we thought we could be together,

two beating hearts, alive with dreams.

I have longed for and struggled toward this moment:

Where love again settles into my heart

and peace pulses in my veins.
I forgive, I forgive, I forgive.

Heart Art by Traci Higginbotham

Fabulous

Saw this at a bus stop on my way home from meeting S. for coffee.  Actually, a mocha, and the best damned mocha to be had in this town.  At my favorite spot, the Naked Lounge.  When I put my 'date' with S. on my calendar it reads, "S. Naked. 11 a.m."   Hmmm...what would people think?

Actually one of my sisters was hoping it was a prospective boyfriend, but no, S. is gay, married, happily so.  And I haven't swung that way in 23 years.  I guess the family is hoping for me to hook up with someone.  They don't care which gender, they just want me to find someone wealthy.  Me, I want someone HEALTHY.  That's a lot better than money, honey.  That's about as fabulous as it gets.

Grace

"she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow" -- Paul Simon, Graceland

The girlfriend and I have called it quits.  It happens. It hurts.  I'm feeling the wind blow.  I'm feeling the ground falling from under me.

"I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels"  -- Train

Onward and upward, by the Grace of Whatever.

Sisters

I just had a little late-night facebook chat with my sister who lives 2 states away.  I, suffering insomnia AGAIN, and she, returning from a dance.  Who's got the better deal, here? 

My other sister is away on multiple business trips...checking in on FB so we know her whereabouts.  This crazy Facebook things is -- well -- crazy!

I am grateful that I have two sisters whom I respect and enjoy.  As I age, I understand the rarity of this.  Of course we are quite different people who have made very different choices in our lives, but finally we have given up the rivalry bit in favor of the comradely bit, and we're all the better for it.  They are my rock.  They have my back.  That's just about the best feeling in the world.

We see each other with all our shared history, and we talk in shorthand because we know so much.  They are a comfort to me, and a window onto my past.  I'm guessing that they will be profoundly important to my future as well, and me, theirs. 

Here's to you, sisters!

I Don't Mean to Bum You Guys Out

Do you want to hear some mind-blowing stand up comedy?  Go to Louis CK's site and download the audio of Tig Notaro's gig.  I heard about this through Linda Lou's blog, and you can go there for the background information.

This woman just got diagnosed with breast cancer.  And she talks about it on stage.  And it's funny as hell, and beautiful, and tragic. 

Definition of Love

Bridal Shower by Taradharma

I've been reading a lot of what we call 'self-help' books over the past few months.  Both as a continuing journey of healing from my divorce, and as a way to better know my truth as I re-emerge in the world and engage with others.  What has really come up for me (probably more so because I am dating someone) are questions around love, what makes for a good long-term relationship, how do I know I'm ready for relationship and how do I know if this person is right for me?

The books I've read include

If the Buddha Married
If the Buddha Dated  
The Five Love Languages 
Intellectual Foreplay
The Gifts of Imperfection
Daring Greatly 

Every one of these books have been eye-opening.  I journal about what I read in order to explore the ideas for myself and what they mean for me.   All the work first and foremost is about self-love, for without it we are unable to love another.  Self love and acceptance is something I have to work at, and I suspect most people are in this boat with me.  Dr. Brene Brown's books have been especially helpful in this regard, as she begins her research studying shame.  I've featured her TED lectures on my site before.  I think she is brilliant at deconstructing complex thought and feeling processes that are hoisting us up on our own petards on a daily basis.  In her Daring Greatly book, well into the fourth chapter she offers up her definition of love based on her 12 years of research and personal experience:

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them, we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.  Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare."       ~Dr. Brene Brown

She's mindful that her definition is merely a starting point for conversations.  She knows this definition is not the be and end all.  She's putting it out there to spark our own imaginations and feelings around what love is.

Very scary. Very vulnerable.  It's the human condition.

A Little Weird

Ain't it the truth?

In couples, I've found that having similar interests is a great starting place for longevity.  That doesn't mean, however, that each person within the couple needs to enjoy all the same things, or even operate from the same perspective.  It's how two people communicate those differences, and more importantly, if they appreciate those differences.  One way is not superior to the other, it is simply a different way.

I've usually been the more easy-going one in my partnered/married life.  My partner has usually been more focused, driven, goal oriented outwardly, usually in their work life.  They've appreciated my laid-back-ness, until they don't.  Eventually I feel the burden of justification for my hang-loose behavior.

Maybe the answer is to find someone who is as flexible and pliant as I am.  But I'm working out a dynamic with an inflexible, linear father figure that has influenced my character, and that of my sisters, tremendously.  We seem to be compelled to  placate and mollify this character at our own peril.  It influences us to be unnaturally 'other-focused' because this person is constantly demanding our undivided attention.  It pulls me off-center because I am always worried that somehow I am not measuring up, that I am not enough just as I am.

Now, I do appreciate the linear thinker, the can-do person, who is driven to achieve career success.  What I'd like from them is to be that way with their outward looking selves, but to be easy and adjustable with me.  Is that an impossible dream?  Are our styles of being in the world just too different to be compatible?  If we can appreciate each others' styles, really respect them, then I think there is hope.

The pressure is all around us to produce and be productive in a way that generates wealth, promotes ego-driven purchasing, acquisition, and the appearance of doing something worthwhile.   As a culture, we don't promote or celebrate the more quiet lives of doing good works, self-sufficiency, doing well with less material goods, introspection and the life of the mind.  These beliefs have become so ingrained in us that we don't even realize we think that way.  I have been grappling with this since I retired 3 years ago -- in this culture I feel superfluous.  No longer needed, nor interesting.  Marginalized.  Made fun of.  And this, in turn, influences how I actually think and feel about myself. 

So, I see this state of 'not good enough' both in my personal relationships and society in general.  A double whammy.  Working this one, for sure.  Hope I find a suitable resolve because it's driving me bonkers.

As the great Doctor said, we're all a little weird. 

My Mouth Hovers Across Your Breasts

By Adrienne Rich

 

My mouth hovers across your breasts
in the short grey winter afternoon
in this bed we are delicate
and touch so hot with joy we amaze ourselves
tough and delicate we play rings
around each other our daytime candle burns
with its peculiar light and if the snow
begins to fall outside filling the branches
and if the night falls without announcement
there are the pleasures of winter
sudden, wild and delicate your fingers
exact my tongue exact at the same moment
stopping to laugh at a joke
my love hot on your scent on the cusp of winter

 

Haiku

I can hardly wait

To see you and touch my lips

To your warm sweet mouth

A Really Good Date

1981 Taradarma/black & white infrared film

Last night was the opening for a photography exhibit at the gallery where I am a member.  It was the annual Members Show, where any member could submit one photo to be included.  I let my dad pick this picture, which is one of his favorites of mine.  He likes it because it's a photo of him and my sister walking on the beach -- but also because it is mysterious and tells what could be a rather dark story.  Who are the people walking on the sand?  Why is that man following her?

The show was well attended and the range of work was impressive.  I went with L. and she is well-versed in the visual arts and photography in particular.  She asked me what were my favorite prints, and then why.  It's been a long while since I've critiqued beyond saying, "Because I like it."  It was a good exercise for me, answering L.'s questions.  And then I asked the same of her, and she showed me and talked about the work.

Later we had tapas at a restaurant just down the block from the gallery.  I have never had tapas before, if you can believe it.  I didn't know what I was doing -- the menu and the wine and the manner of presentation all foreign to me.  I muddled through and ordered in my very flat Spanish accent, and when the waitress read back our order, L. and I looked at each other and she said, "Well, she certainly pronounced things much differently."  Well, yes, with flare and certain knowledge.

Later, at her house, we sat on the patio drinking port and discussed a wide range of topics.  One of the more in-depth topics was racism in this country, and our perspective (or lack thereof) as white people.  It feels extremely awkward for me, at times, to talk about racism because what the heck do I know?  I can only speak of it with the awareness of an outsider.  Words get so in the way, and misinterpretations are easy - generalizations will do that.  So I got specific and talked about my report on Frederick Douglass when I was in 5th grade; how I admired him and his accomplishments.  I recalled what an eye-opener The Autobiography of Malcolm X was to me in my teens.  I told her he was my hero.  She she said he was also her hero.  Ah, accord. 

Late at night, curled up next to her with the cool Delta breeze blowing the curtains, I reflected on how extraordinary she is: a thoughtful, wickedly smart introvert with a healthy balanced love of conversation and friends.

In the morning, she told me she had so much fun last night.  She said, "You are a really good date!" A high compliment, especially since I know I am much more than just a date for her.

Do you remember a particularly good 'date'?  What made it so special?  How long has it been since you've been on a date?   I suggest you go on one ASAP.  And make it good.

The Power of Vulnerability

I found a blog late last night as I was 'google-ing' "love poems of Pablo Neruda."  Yes, it was another insomniac night.  Anyway, my point here is not to bemoan my lack of sleep, but instead to celebrate quite a find (for me) in this TED talk.  I don't know about you, but I've heard some brilliant ideas expressed at these talks, and I love to listen when I am in the mood.  This particular talk feels heaven sent (if I can guess there is a heaven-like place or state of mind or....).  Why?  Because just this very topic, these ideas, have been in my face as I enter a new love relationship.  When you have time, and are in the mood, take a listen to this delightful, funny, intelligent researcher (you'll get the joke if you listen).  And I would love to know how you respond to her story.  It seems to me to be the most important story we could hear today. 



Have a fabulous weekend -- you are worthy of it!

Love

Listening by Amy Lowell

 

'T is you that are the music, not your song.
The song is but a door which, opening wide,
Lets forth the pent-up melody inside,
Your spirit's harmony, which clear and strong
Sings but of you. Throughout your whole life long
Your songs, your thoughts, your doings, each divide
This perfect beauty; waves within a tide,
Or single notes amid a glorious throng.
The song of earth has many different chords;
Ocean has many moods and many tones
Yet always ocean. In the damp Spring woods
The painted trillium smiles, while crisp pine cones
Autumn alone can ripen. So is this
One music with a thousand cadences. 

 

Saturday Travels

On the last day of the month my girlfriend and I returned to Point Reyes where we went a month ago.  This time we went to see the lighthouse -- which is waaayyyy out there through cow farms and ranchers that began in 1865.  Spectacular country, despite the smell of cow dung that was overwhelming as we passed through some of the ranches.

The climb down to the lighthouse from the cliffs is a daunting one.  Not so much the climb down as the walk back UP. L., ever mindful of my bum knee, said if that I was not up to the trek that it was OKAY.  But I felt adventureous and said "Let's do it!"  I'm so glad we did.  The lighthouse was a real treat, even though the fog obscured any views.

Here's L. as we are a third of the way down.  We spent some time poking about the lighthouse and looking at the Fersnel lens that is decommissioned in 1975 but still put through its paces from time to time.  It was a wonderful looking assortment of gears and pullys.

We both had fun taking photos -- her with her regular camera and me with my iphone.  My regular camera was out of battery life, which I discovered only moments before leaving for our day trip.

old pump house

 Another glorious adventure with my favorite traveling companion!  What fun to find someone who enjoys traveling as much as I do.  We put 300 miles on her car yesterday and were so weary we actually had to nap before dinner.  A very good day.

You, All Around

A book of love poems on my bedside table,

A red card, a yellow pink rose.

Your smiling eyes looking out from my computer 

And the memory of your hand on my thigh in the morning.

 

Lying on my bed, reading Cohen’s Book of Longing

When my iphone pings your safe arrival in Arizona.

My afternoon dreams led me back and back again to your arms

And waking was a slow, sweet, hazy affair.

Blessed Saturday

A card, a poem, a declaration of love.  A life changes: opens, softens; mornings are sweet magic waking up next to her.  And of course the fear.  The fear that love this good has happened before and has fallen completely apart.  I breathe deeply, remind myself to stay present, to lighten up and accept this goodness with open arms and a trusting heart.  (and remind myself that the typical 'red flags' are not present this time...this woman is trustworthy in all ways)  A blessed Saturday morning in the land of rivers and levees, bird sanctuaries and big sky.

 

Venus Transiens

Tell me,
Was Venus more beautiful
Than you are,
When she topped
The crinkled waves,
Drifting shoreward
On her plaited shell?
Was Botticelli's vision
Fairer than mine;
And were the painted rosebuds
He tossed his lady,
Of better worth
Than the words I blow about you
To cover your too great loveliness
As with a gauze
Of misted silver?
For me
You stand poised
In the blue and buoyant air,
Cinctured by bright winds,
Treading the sunlight.
And the waves which precede you
Ripple and stir
The sands at my feet.

Amy Lowell