Bert I. Gordon Presents: Ted Cruz!

[Note: Stolen from s.z.'s Facebook page...]

“It is standard law enforcement — it is good law enforcement to focus on where threats are emanating from, and anywhere where there is a locust of radicalization, where there is an expending presence of radical Islamic terrorism,” Cruz told reporters on Tuesday evening in Manhattan.

"A locust of radicalization." Does Cruz mean "locus," or he is talking about something from "The Beginning of the End"?

*********************************************************************

Scott: I wonder if Senator Cruz didn't Freudianly slip and accidentally reveal some personal information. Perhaps, like the Vincent D'Onofrio character in Men in Black, it's Cruz who's actually a locust, disguised in an ill-fitting human skin and preparing to lead a vanguard of alien insects in a conquest of the United States!

On the bright side, that would certainly solve our immigration problems, because who'd want to come to a country overrun with gigantic bugs dressed up in pantomime person costumes?  No one! I bet our tourist industry would go to hell too, and maps would quickly begin to resemble medieval cartography, where the edge of the known world was demarcated by an etching of a monster and the warning, "Here Be Dragons", except the U.S. would just be a big outline with a lovingly illuminated, if smirking, grasshopper and the legend, "Gives You The Willies", or "Here Be The Heebie-Jeebies."

A Tale of The Foo As Well The Woo

By Keith

Hi W-O'-Crackers, Happy New Year? Are you laughing? I've been laughing since about 10 pm. EST on Jan 19th. And continue to laugh spontaneously throughout day and evening. At the dry cleaner. At the bank. At the overpriced grocery. Even on the “E” train or while tracking commodities and equities on reuters.com.

You are no doubt asking why and I know you are expecting an answer so here it is: It's been very cold here in NYC. Not as chilly as Chicago or Cleveland but it was a warm winter here so far … Last night I crawled into bed with cat Sydney (aka “Midnight”) and we listened to the boring old Worldservice from BBC. Sydney likes it for the same reasons I do, it's simultaneously informative and soporific.

Behold the first hourly news bulletin. We both heard a blood-curdling shriek and poor Sydney was spooked. I was roused but conscious enough to hear that Sarah Palin officially endorsed Donald Trump for the Iowa Caucus.

After the bulletin was a lengthier newscast whereby we could hear more shrieking, some intelligible and some not so. As a much better scribe commented earlier today …

If I were a Democrat or a comedy-show writer, I would be on the floor right now flopping and hallelujah-ing like a holy roller at an Alabama tent revival.

Henceforth the gaiety: “Tundra Trash” meets “God's Little Cancre.” They become soul-mates. It's a match made if not in heaven at least somewheres between Atlas and D.D. Bean manufacturing. World famous former reality TV host joins force with another world-famous reality TV host and a hush from their Lord's blessings stills the known cosmos.

I've concluded that Mrs. Palin might have been intoxicated when presenting her endorsement, which makes it even more lovely. Well, we're being too kind here, she was flat-out drunk. If she were at Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen in the same state she'd be '86-ed. Thank you, “New York Values.”

Somewhere in the amorphous regions of the unconscious, between “Tastes Great, Less Filling” and perhaps even “Truth or Consequences” lies the essence of this liaison.

(No offense intended to New Mexico residents of “ToC”.)

Autolieography

By Keith

Poor Dr. Carson. He's written an autobiography that doesn't pass the muster of fact-checking from the bean-counters in corporate media.

I, Keith, haven't written an autobiography, partly because Mary advised Scott not to ghostwrite at the rate that I offered to pay. But there are many instances in my history on the planet where I have demonstrated outrageous or courageous behavior. And no one believes me either. Let's enumerate the good times.

Keith Originated The “War on Christmas”

The “War” began Dec. 2, 2006, at a Barnes & Noble near you. I'm not sure why but most likely James Taylor's shitty “holiday-themed” CD being in constant rotation throughout the store was the trigger event.

After listening to the awful cover of Baby, It's Cold Outside for 40 or so times I snapped. I took the CD out of the machine, wrote “Death to Baby Jesus” on the play side with a sharpie then threw it into the return bin on top of John Legend.

A pregnant silence descended over the store to be followed by cheers of relief and gratitude from shoppers on all floors. It really happened, honest. I got a quarter raise as a result.

Keith Destroyed Chris Rock's Crummy Career

Yes, it's true. I never liked that A-Hole. This occurred at the same Barnes & Noble store near you. He came in late one night and tried to be funny. You know, “funny.” I said “Hey, bro, aren't you my man Chappelle?” End of story.

Keith Killed Pier Paolo Pasolini

This one is very hard to live up to. I was looking forward to Salo: 120 Days of Sodom but after viewing thought it was his worst film ever. It wasn't up to the artistic or even the technical standards he showed us in Teorema or Mama Rosa. After we had sex on the beach, I ran over him with the Fiat he had rented. There was some damage to the car and some sand between the seats, so I had to pay extra on return but it was worth it, I'll tell you. Don't believe it? I kept his American Express card as a trophy!

Keith Owns Gram Parson's Remains

Don't believe the hype about the cremation in the desert. He's in my basement freezer. He looks great after wiping off the frost accumulation. I check him out about twice a year.

You see, even ordinary folk like myself are capable of doing things that leave one open to scrutiny in later life. And here's a presidential candidate trying to convey some sense of himself and yet is treated to obvious disdain and ridicule. I'm stopping here because no one will believe I murdered Laura Palmer. It was so long ago …

Cruzin' for a Bruisin'

I think we can all agree that I am amongst our nation's most prominent conservatives. In fact, since the untimely death of Modest Conservative Jon Swift, I'm probably the blogosphere's leading advocate for traditional values. At least, that's what Senator Ted Cruz seems to think, since he was so eager to email me about his decision to run for President that he seemed a bit like a Pomeranian doing an alarming pee-pee dance on the hallway Axminster:

Actually, I think you misheard them, Ted. It's not surprising; with millions of voices crying out at once, things can get a bit garbled. I had that same problem with all those dead whiners from Alderaan. What they're actually saying is, "America is clearly defective, so we want to take our country back to the store and return the unused portion for a full refund."

My fellow conservative, 

As one of the millions of real Americans calling for a change of leadership, I thank you.

And as one of the millions of Americans terrified by the thought of you anywhere near the levers of power in Washington, I'm calling for a change of pants.

The United States is the greatest nation the world has ever known, but recently we’ve gotten off track.

The U.S. may be the greatest nation the world has ever known, but you have to remember, the world has terrible taste in nations. It's like the Gabor Sisters and men.

 We need to restore the strong values that made us great, so that we can leave a stronger and more prosperous nation for our children.

I don't have kids, Ted, I have a cat, and frankly he seems perfectly content with our current GDP. (For some reason, this one sentence is in red, and since the rest of the email isn't, I can only assume it's caused by some sort of inflammation. So ask your doctor if strong values are right for you.)

That’s why I’m running for President in 2016. 

"And my personality is why I'll be running for Senate in 2018."

Our country was built on freedom, enterprise and strong family values.

Also genocide and chattel slavery. Credit where credit is due, Ted.

Together, we can change leadership, change direction and reclaim the unlimited potential of each and every one of us.

I may be a defeatist, but I've always felt that my potential is limited by my finite lifespan and lack of supernatural powers. The rest of you, apparently, are god-like, pan-dimensional cosmic beings, so I'll just flake out here on the couch and watch this Bones marathon on TNT while you guys punch the walls of reality, or whatever.

My mission between now and 2016 is to help take America back to what made us great

Slavery/Genocide, '16! Woo hoo!

Thank you for adding your voice to our fight, and I hope I can count on your support for the long road ahead.

You can certainly count on me to spread your message, like so much compost, if you email me again, Ted.

For more, follow the link: www.tedcruz.org

"Because I kind of didn't think ahead, and tedcruz.com was already taken."

For America, Senator Ted Cruz

Some people might find it presumptuous, but I like the fact that Senator Cruz is so done with the namby-pamby complimentary close that he can't even, and has instead arrogated to himself the right to speak for all America. In fact, I wish I'd thought of it. However, as I don't want to get sued by tedcruz.org, or tedcruz.us, or tedcruz.xxx, I'm going to start signing my letters on behalf of some other tottering nation-state whose best days are behind it. So if we're penpals, don't be surprised if my next email to you concludes with a warm "For Herzegovina," or "Very Truly Djibouti."

Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho-pay

Jeannie DeAngelis, who was last seen investigating and/or starting rumors that Michelle Obama owns underwear, has discovered/made-up an even bigger scoop this time. It seems that while every evangelical Christian in America was staring at the door, waiting for the return of Jesus, revenant Moses came in through the bathroom window!

Ted Cruz: An American Moses?

Rafael Edward "Ted" Cruz, junior senator from Texas, embodied a powerful role with deep resonance in his marathon fight on the Senate floor against Obamacare.

Given that the fight was fixed, with a predetermined outcome, I'm guessing the role played by Rafael Edward "Ted" Cruz was professional wrestler.  "Ted" is a terrible wrestler name, though, so I went through the WWE (and regional affiliates) rosters and found some names that might be more suitable:

Damien Demento (even if you're a decent wrestler, there's going to come a point in the match when the spectators start to wonder when you're going to stop bashing people over the head with folding chairs and leaping off the turnbuckle, and finally get around to playing "Fish Heads" or "Bounce Your Boobies").
Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake (despite his adroit moves and crowd-pleasing pecs, he never showed the same raw charisma in the ring as Floyd "The Barber" Lawson).
Dolph Ziggler (While I wouldn't go see him wrestle, I would pay scalper's prices to see a naked sword fight between Dolph Ziggler and Dirk Diggler.
Mantaur (terrible wrestler, but a half-decent Syfy movie).
Shark Boy (okay wrestler, terrible Syfy movie).
Scotty 2 Hotty (I'm actually reserving this one for myself, so BACK OFF, "Ted.")

Hm.  None of these actually seem like much of an improvement, since Ted isn't really the shirtless, rough and tumble type, but more of an effete, elite, Lord Fauntleroy sort, so I move that henceforth, "Ted" be known as "Filibuster Brown."

He has rightly said of the battle America is currently involved in with Barack Obama and his ghoulish army of liberal Democrats: "This is life and death." And well it is!

I tried to do my patriotic duty and join the Ghoulish Army (after seeing a poster that said, "Uncle Samhain Wants You"), but I was declared 4-F, due to excessive alliteration.  Still, I really think Filibuster Brown is onto something with this notion of turning meaningless political stunts into matters of life and death, and suggest we erect a geodesic cage over the well of the Senate and rechristen it "Thunderdome."

Although many remain clueless, the truth is that the dire Obamacare situation is of biblical proportions.

Seems like everything's of biblical proportions with these people nowadays.  Or else it's Nazis.  Or worse, Nazis of biblical proportions.

 Whether Americans realize it or not, if Obamacare is not stopped, the nation will embark on a 40-year slog through a healthcare wilderness that will result in very few of us, if any, making it out alive.

Because it's like Thunderdome!  Two men enter, one man leaves.  It's basically a death panel, but instead of sitting through a dull hearing in a room with harsh fluorescent lighting and linoleum tiles the color of speckled brown eggs, you're forced to fight a weight lifter and a dwarf to the death.  At least, as soon as they call your number.

That's why Ted Cruz (R-TX) has become a political Moses for many.

The "many" being those people who are looking for a leader to follow around the desert for 40 years. But this Moses is even better than the original, because Ted knows a shortcut that'll shave almost half an hour off the trip.

 Cruz's small circle of allies

Because even in the Senate, there's a finite number of assholes.

includes Senators Rand Paul (R-KY), Marco Rubio (R-FL), Mike Lee (R-UT), and Jim Inhofe (R-OK), all of whom can be likened to antiquity's Joshua, Aaron, and Hur, the men who supported Moses during the battle against the Amalekites.

Rand Paul, for instance, can be compared to Hur, who disapproved of God giving manna to the Israelites, because socialism. 

Cruz choosing to defy Barack Obama and stand toe-to-toe with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is reminiscent of what happened in Scripture at Rephidim when the Israelites responded to an Amalekite attack. It was there that Moses instructed Joshua to "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."

Yes, nothing braver than pre-emptively invading another country, then sending someone else to go fight the war you just started while you watch it from your skybox.

Like a modern-day Moses, Ted Cruz has taken to the Senate floor to stand firm against a ferocious enemy called ObamaCare.

Which, brave and fierce a battle as that might be, it's going to make for some particularly crappy devotional art.  For example, here's the picture Jeannie inserted, midway through the post, to illustrate her "Ted is Moses" thesis:

But here's the picture that ran at the beginning of her column:

In Scripture, when Moses grew weary and lowered his arms, the tide turned in favor of the Amalekites. The Bible says that Aaron and Hur provided a stone for their leader to sit on and the men held up Moses' hands, "one on one side, one on the other -- so that his hands remained steady till sunset." Regrettably, Senator Ted Cruz did not have the luxury of sitting; he stood for 21 hours straight, but he did have a team to hold up his arms, so to speak.

It didn't have any effect on the outcome of his Peanut Filibuster Parfait, he just wanted the world to see that he felt confident, dry and secure.

In an effort to prevail over the army of ObamaCare advocates, along the way Senators Paul, Lee, Rubio, and Inhofe were joined by David Vitter (R-LA), Jeff Sessions (R-AL), and Pat Roberts (R- KS), who, like modern day Moses-helpers, stood up alongside Cruz, in effect holding up Cruz's hands.

While Vitter helped Cruz hang in there longer by providing a constant supply of fresh diapers.

Cruz had this to say about "principle" and "standing for integrity":

I will say standing here after 14 hours, standing on your feet, there's sometimes some pain, sometimes some fatigue that is involved, but you know what? There's far more pain involved in rolling over...

And yet Chester Cheetah clearly wants you to rollover, which is just like the way the snake tempted Eve in the Garden, proving just how biblical this whole thing is.

Moses' upheld arms assured that Joshua was able to overcome the Amalekite army. So, shod in black tennis shoes, Ted Cruz is a political Moses of sorts.

Political Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously, because it turns out it was just lividity.

Regardless of what the Washington DC establishment believes, in the hearts of millions, Cruz continues to articulate the fear and disgust a majority of Americans feel about being forced against their will into ObamaCare.

And if there's one thing I know about the American people, it's that there will always be a place in our hearts for fear and disgust.

Like a true leader and patriot, despite the pain of standing for hours -- and standing alone -- Cruz has reminded pusillanimous politicians that "There's far more pain... in not standing for principle, not standing for the good, not standing for integrity."

Although even a pusillanimous politician can find relief with Dr. Scholls for Her® Hidden Arch Supports ("Made with unique FabuSTEP® gel"), although in keeping with our theme, I suppose it should be Dr. Scholls for Hur®.

Senator Cruz is certainly not done standing; he will continue to stand, even though he is no longer speaking on the floor of the Senate.

If he spends more than 20 minutes sitting on the toilet, for instance, his thighs go to sleep.

For the rest of us who stand with him on the side of freedom, let's join together and continue to hold up Cruz's arms and extend to him the heartfelt appreciation of a grateful nation.

And at night, when we're tired of holding up his arms and want to go to bed, we can put some suction cups on his hands and leave him stuck to the window like a Garfield doll.

[Annoying Note:  We're having a Beg-A-Thon this week (click here for the woeful details).  If you can throw a few bucks our way, it would be enormously helpful. Please click on the button at the top left, or just use our PP account name: scott.clevenger- at - gmail.com.  If you're not Pals with Pay, email me and I'll send you our snail mail info.  And many thanks to the very kind folks who have already given.)]

Ted Nugent Proves Love Not Necessary Ingredient For Love Child

Note From World O' Crap Headquarters:  The following article was submitted anonymously.  The author is known to the Wo'C Editorial Staff, but wishes to be identified to you, the blabber-mouthed public, only as "Wally."

Loving Parents — and Armed Patrols — Make Safe Neighborhoods. By Ted Nugent

Loving, caring parents who want to know what our kids are up to need to constantly probe, engage, examine and scrutinize not only our own children but also their friends.

“Ward, why is Lumpy tied to the dining room table with his boxers down? I have the girls from Chamber of Commerce over for lunch and canasta this afternoon!”

“June, please see if we don't have better flashlight batteries. I'm probing, engaging and examining this young man.” 

“Don't worry Lumpy. Come see me after Ward is finished with his scrutinizing. I have fresh chocolate chip cookies for you.”

Only a pathetically disconnected parent zombied [sic] to the television would fail to do so.

[N.B.] “Zombied” is Texas jive-speak for those who watch nothing on TV but their own “Fox News' Greatest Hits” on YouTube. (Will Norma Desmond pick up the white courtesy phone, please?)

Same holds true with neighbors and neighborhoods. Safe neighborhoods are those neighborhoods where caring neighbors have their radars finely tuned to identify things that don’t appear right. This should be especially true in neighborhoods that have a disproportionate occurrence of burglaries and other crime.

Neighborhood watch programs are a good and welcome start, but I prefer neighborhood patrols. Patrolling is different than merely “watching” for problems in that patrolling is a proven crime prevention pro-active defense posture. In business terms, neighborhood patrols are “management by walking around and observing."

Let's pause a moment and consider the author's authority or credentials for opinions expressed in this sincere and goofy “neighborly” advice column from Ted. 

Although the “Nuge” originally hails from the Motor City for some years he's been ranching on 640 acres in Crawford, Texas. He would perhaps be Crawford's celebrity citizen --- except that down the road a ways are George W. and Laura. Dollars to donuts, the Social Registry of Crawford, TX remains a closed book.

An active defense posture sends a message to various creeps, thugs, malcontents, parolees and dangerous delinquents that a neighborhood will not tolerate any type of degeneracy or crime. The presence of neighborhood patrols will ultimately cause subhuman scum to slither off to other less secure neighborhoods.

Come to Lebensraum Estates!  Secure, Covenant-restricted single family homes starting in the mid-300s.

In the best of circumstances, a neighborhood patrol should be comprised of two armed good guys who are also equipped with cell phones, cameras and powerful flashlights.

And perhaps in Ted's circumstances satellite phones, night-vision goggles, a portable crystal meth laboratory and a full detail of bodyguards vis a vis Blackwater (or whatever they call themselves these days). Don't forget to call Mrs. Cleaver for extra flashlight batteries, hon!

It's safe to conclude at this point that Mr. Nugent doesn't live in a “community” in the way community is commonly interpreted by civic-minded people. He is a wilderness-type, likes guns, likes to play with guns, fantasizes about killing people he doesn't like, etc. In addition, this ranch may be nothing more than a cottage industry for Ted, since “Sunrize Safaris” is nothing more than a high roller's day camp for those who would like to enjoy the social prestige of legitimate sport hunting but don't know or care how-to. Ted releases tame, domesticated & helpless critters into the wild to be blasted away by assault rifles and heavy artillery. It's sometimes referred to as a “canned hunt.” 

Here's Ted's concluding paragraph. But before signing off I believe it is important to pull sharp focus on my personal irritation with Mr. Nugent. On first inspection he seems to be a douche-bag deluxe. On second inspection he seems a threat to the social contract. But upon third inspection we find troubling and nightmarish examples of a socio-pathological personality with enough spit left to fellate the always-on erection of low-rent, low-maintenance right-wing opinion.

When I patrol my property, I’m constantly looking for things that don’t appear right such as gates that are open that should be closed, breached fences, and even the occasional trespasser. I don’t miss anything.

We are happy to nominate Ted Nugent as a candidate for “Miss Wingnut 2013.”

Okay, But Only If We Can Do It With The Lights Off

The other day, WO'C correspondent Bill S., who has a nose for this kind of thing, discovered a wingnut site I'd never seen before -- PolitiChicks (The Voice Of The Conservative Woman") -- and, as might be expected, it's nuttier than Mr. Peanut's ballsack.  But one post in particular caught Bill's eye, a post which may launch an entirely new genre of superhero comics, movies, and TV shows:

PolitiChicks Picks: The Hottest Conservative Supermen in America

The article was written (or perhaps "curated" might be a better word) by Ann-Marie Murrell, who was also unfamiliar to me.  Let's check her bio:

"She is one of the go-to Conservative reporters in Los Angeles"

Oh, that's why I've never heard of her.  It's a bit like saying "She's one of the leading Manishewitz distributors in Mecca."

Ann-Marie has conducted exclusive interviews with Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, Lt. Col. Allen West, Newt Gingrich, Frank Gaffney, and was one of the last reporters to interview the late Andrew Breitbart.

Granted, it was several weeks after he died, but post mortem question-and-answer sessions are a lot easier now that there's a Ouija app for the iPad.

Judging the pageant along with Ms. Murrell is Dr. Gina Loudon.  World O' Crap readers may remember "Dr." Loudon as the St. Louis-based talk radio host who was ejected from the Missouri Tea Party because Dana Loesch thought she was too crazy.  Even more remarkable was her feat of earning both a Masters and a Ph.D in a single year -- 2011-- from distance learning diploma mill Fielding Graduate University.  (Not that this is a peculiarly distinguishing characteristic -- there are so many right wingers buying online degrees and calling themselves "Doctor" nowadays that I'm about ready to pitch a remake of Norma Rae, with Sandra Bullock as a reluctant blue collar heroine who inspires exploited diploma mill workers to strike.)

As you can see from the Dutch Angle of her headshot, "Dr." Loudon is also known for her impersonations of Ceiling Cat and every other Special Guest Villain on the old Batman TV series.  But more from her later.

Bachelorette Number 3 is a former star of Dallas, and current Townhall wingnut, Morgan Brittany.  Bachelorette Number 4 is "Movie producer of Runaway Slave ('A perpetual state of welfare exists in the U.S., creating a form of modern slavery for a large percentage of African-Americans...'), Hating Breitbart (Starring Orson Bean!) and Executive Producer of our PolitiChicks.tv studio shows, Beverly Zaslow."

Next up is another fresh face here at World O' Crap: Scottie Nell Hughes, News Director for TPNN (the Tea Party News Network -- who knew?).  She's also a "writer for TownHall Finance & frequent Fox News political commentator."  Ms. Hughes, clearly a serious and accomplished journalist, appears to have been photographed as she was falling backward in her chair at some fancy fundraising dinner, yet all the while remaining poised and making determined love to the camera.

Our final Bachelorette is Tabitha Hale, who has taken time out from being a character in a Danielle Steele novel to join this distinguished panel of judges. Tabitha is "Managing editor of Rare.us, writer for multiple major conservative sites & social media queen."  And while all this sounds impressive on a purely professional level, Ms. Hale has valuable personal experience with objectification as well; if you check her Rare.us bio, you'll see that she was "recently named one of 'The 50 Hottest People in Online Politics“ by Business Insider."  So I think we can all agree that her qualifications for evaluating high-temperature ubermenschen are impeccable.

And yet, despite the fact that I had never heard of her before today, something about Tabith strikes me as somehow...I don't know...overexposed.

Anyway, let's hear how our lovely contestants were chosen:

Of course because we’re women of substance, our list requirements are based on:
#1. Intelligence. These guys are brilliant.
#2. Courage. They aren’t afraid to stand up to challenges, speak the truth and fight for our country.
#3: Passion (See above)
#4: Sense of humor. Self-deprecating gets you extra points.
#5: Looks. This can be either conventionally handsome or someone who simply exudes sexiness.

Okay, then.  First category is "Top 15 Hottest Conservative Men in New Media," and contains such familiar faces as Jonah Goldberg, Glenn Reynolds, Joseph Farah and Doug Giles.

First Runner-Up goes to John Hawkins of Right Wing News, who is seen here...

...showing Stephen Colbert that it's perfectly possible to pose like this, and have it not look fuunny!

You know what?  I don't actually think I can make it through the entire pageant -- let's just skim the next few categories...

Top 14 Hottest Conservative Supermen Authors contains more of the usual suspects...

...as well as Glenn Beck, the (Former Virgin) Ben Shapiro, and online crossdresser John Lott, all good, solid wingnut names. But Number 14 is the vaguely made up-sounding Dr. Dathan Paterno, whose inclusion on this list, I'm willing to bet, is due entirely to the intercession of Dr. Gina Loudon, with whom Dr. Paterno wrote a book.  (WO'C readers may remember the good doctor from this post, in which he advanced the theory that feminists don't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because they remind them of penis-in-vagina sex.)

Top 10 Hottest Conservative Supermen in Radio category hits the expected high notes:

Along with the marquee names, though, is one that's new to me: Fingers Malloy.

Nice smirk, decent Mohawk, but I'm not gonna just take his bona fides on faith.  Let's check Google for a bio...

Okey doke, then. That last line seems to say it all...

Finally, the action, already steamy, takes a decidedly kinky turn with the Top 15 Overall Hottest Conservative Supermen in America competition, which includes such eye candy as Louis Gohmert

And Andrew Klavan...

You know, this may be the first orgy in history to consist entirely of pity fucks.

Scientific American

All right, we went five rounds with Philosophy in our last post, now it's time to give Science! a chance to kick our ass.  (But just regular Science!, not the Sweet Science, because I think that'd probably give it an unfair advantage in the ring).  So who's on the card today?  An old ham 'n egger familiar to regular fans of World O' Crap's Underground Bloodsport Kumite and Souplantation -- James (The Ravagin' Rationalist) Lewis, who in his previous bouts (examples here and here), modestly allowed that he's "a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly".  James is wearing blue and brown trunks with white trim, representing the muddy, but patriotic color scheme of American Thinker.

An Uncontrollable Ego 

IRS. FBI. NSA... Under Obama they consistently exceed their previously understood legal powers. Yes, there was technical consent by the secret FISA court for massive NSA spying. In times of national threat the FISA court is a pushover; just imagine if they said "No" and we had another 9/11/01.

When has the FISA court ever not been a pushover?  Hell, I've got a partially herniated disc and a torn rotator cuff and I could throw it up against the lockers and take its lunch money.  But as we shall see, it's not the mere technical legality of NSA and FBI spying that troubles Mr. Lewis.  Nor is it the fact that the IRS didn't really spy on anybody, but James needed one more three initial agency and he's hoping you won't notice that he just sort of tossed it in there like a fistful of corn starch to thicken up his thin sauce of an opening sentence.  No, what bothers him most is that the organs of U.S. intelligence gathering and Federal law enforcement are now under the control of a Negro -- which is the exact same nightmare J. Edgar Hoover once had after catching a dollar matinee of Watermelon Man at the Uptown Theater.

But first, James will demonstrate his mastery of the scientific method by imagining Supreme Court Justices piercing the Bill of Rights with phallic symbols:

So they drove a dagger into the U.S. Constitution rather than stand for principle, the way Chief Justice John Roberts helped damage the Constitution by voting for ObamaCare, and the Burger Court shafted the Constitution and ruined millions of young lives with unrestricted abortion.

I was hoping it wouldn't happen so soon in the post, but I'm afraid my lack of scientific training is already beginning to tell, because I'm confused about whose "young lives" were "ruined" by abortion after Warren Burger poked his penis through the parchment at the National Archives.  I mean,  I'm used to right bloggers complaining that abortion "kills millions of babies," but I don't agree that it ruins a young woman's life if she's not forced to bring an unwanted pregnancy to term.  Or maybe James has access to secret scientific studies which indicate the "abortion is murder" trope isn't getting as much traction as they expected, and is just trying out a new spin:

"What happens when you've got a souffle in the oven and you open the door too soon?  The souffle is ruined!  Well, the same thing happens when you've got a bun in the oven..."

Perhaps the most damaging Leftist assault ever was reverse discrimination to make up for white racial sins going back to the slave trade that ended in 1865; that racialist revenge narrative still drives reverse discrimination, forty years after the start of "affirmative" action. It will never end, as long as there is a penny to be made on racial blackmail.

Hm...there seems to be something missing from Mr. Lewis's data set.  Maybe some trend or social order that existed between the end of the "slave trade" in 1865, and the beginnings of affirmative action in 1965.  Maybe something having to do with state and local laws....of a race-based nature...?  Had kind of a short, catchy nickname...You know what I'm talking about, right, Jim?

The equal protection clause is gone. 

Suddenly, there was no trail.  No clause.  No monster.  There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves along with shadows and darkness.  So I guess the joke's on us.

Every time the left imagines another victim group, that gaping wound in constitutional protections grows larger and larger

Anytime anyone who isn't a white man uses a constitutional protection, it's like giving the 14th Amendment an episiotomy.

 -- first on behalf of American blacks, then for all "people of color," then women and gays, and now, illegal immigrants.

Those are all great, very imaginative victim groups, but I'm thinking we can push the envelope a bit more. 

"What about, like, super hot Silvan Elves who earn only 73 cents on the dollar compared to a Man of the West?"

 Reverse racial discrimination has empowered an unelected political class growing fat and thuggish on a new spoils system. With ObamaCare, racial spoils may capsize our elected ship of state, leaving only an EU-type corruptocracy.

Affordable healthcare leads to obesity and The Poseidon Adventure.

The Left has pushed against the Constitution beginning with the Wilson administration and World War I.

Which was pretty stupid of them, because it says clearly right there on the Constitution, "Pull."  But what do you expect from a perpetually stoned Yippie like A. Mitchell Palmer?

 What's different about Obama is his Leninist grandiosity, combined with amazing oppositional-defiant disorder.

So, Mr. Science, you're diagnosing our 51-year old President with a behavioral affliction common to children?  Why don't you just call him "Boy" and get it out of your system?

 In street language that means his f-u attitude.

Thanks for the translation, it saved me a trip to Urban Dictionary, but I'm a little surprised The Street is so squeamish about profanity.

MAN:  Can I have a sip of that?

STREET:  No!  Get the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks away from my M-Fing ice tea!

Obama takes pleasure in waving his finger in the air while violating our most precious values. Obama's narcissism and oppositional-defiance therefore control his official actions.

While Supreme Court Chief Justices are using the Constitution as a Fleshlight, Obama is out there flouting our precious belief that high government officials shouldn't mime prostate exams.

The week after Obama's first inauguration, commuters in New York City were shocked when Air Force One buzzed the Statue of Liberty. When the White House was queried nobody took responsibility. But only the President of the United States can override standing orders and FAA safety rules in that symbolic act of giving the middle finger to the whole country, within sight of the ruined Twin Towers.

Presidents of the United States must always travel with two briefcases: the "Football," which contains the nuclear launch codes, and the "Shuttlecock," which contains the phone number of the FAA, just in case the leader of the free world gets a yen to make Air Force One buzz around lower Manhattan like it's a big-ass Cox Mustang.

In fact, it was some guy in some office in the White House who approved the flyover of a plane that wasn't actually Air Force One, so they could snap some pictures, which the FAA doesn't actually seem to have any rules against, and which most people have completely forgotten about, since it happened back in 2009.  But James appears haunted by Obama's middle finger, whether literal or symbolic, so you can see why this kind of thing would have lodged inside his consciousness, at least up to the second knuckle.

Today the Europeans are genuinely afraid of Obama. If you doubt that, look at these two news photos. The first shows Frau Merkel looking with fear and doubt in her eyes at Obama in Germany this week. 

I'm no expert in psycho-photo-analysis, but all I see is a picture of Chancellor Merkel looking German.  Maybe a little extra German, but it could just be that her plastic ear thingy is pinching.

Merkel started life as a communist in East Germany, but seems acutely aware of personality cults like Stalin's and Obama's. She fears what she knows.

But she knows what she likes, and you can tell she's thinking, "If I wasn't a frau I would tear that up."

The second photo shows Britain's David Cameron doing that little head bow that politicians do around Obama. Both photos show fear of Obama's arbitrary temper and rage, which is by now understood by governments around the world.

Yes, you can see the Prime Minister has gone rigid with terror, and appears to be releasing a cascade of urine down his leg in the hopes that if he can only hold this pose, Obama might mistake him for the Manneken Pis fountain and just take a snapshot.

Merkel's look is particularly revealing, because it was her job this week to protest against Obama's unbounded NSA spying against Germans and other Europeans, who have known Obamas before --- Mussolini, Hitler, Lenin, Stalin, and a raft of other control freaks who became enraged when their orders were not followed. Led by our loathsome media, many Americans took the public revelations about Obama's abuses of power with a shrug. The Germans did not, because they still suffer from earlier generations of Obamas.

Obama's "Show Trials" may lack the authenticity of Stalin's purges, but thanks to the President's dupes in the entertainment industry, they do feature jazzier Show Trial Tunes.

The Muslim world has come to the same conclusion. The farcical Arab Spring started after Obama told Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak to leave office, arbitrarily, in the single most blatant act of public imperialism in American history.

It's the total arbitrariness of Obama's decision-making that's so frightening, because you never know when he wakes up if he'll order a Denver omelet and a glass of grapefruit juice, or demand the resignation of a world leader and then just grab some Sanka and an Eggo frozen waffle.

Even more mystifying is the fact that protests erupted in Cairo on January 25, and by February 8, the President was still refusing to call for Mubarak's resignation.  So in order for Obama to have started the Arab Spring by firing the Egyptian President, he would need a time machine, which explains why James sounds less like he's doing Science, and more like he's writing fiction -- because he's actually doing both.  It's Science Fiction!

Based on his own messianic authority, Obama has brought nothing but war and suffering to the Middle East.

Okay, Obama hasn't been the best messiah we've ever had in the Middle East, but to be fair, George W. Bush, Prince of Peace, is a hard act to follow.

The Saudis fear him as a wild man who has brought Mecca and Medina within easy range of Iranian nuclear weapons. Israel has not been damaged so far, but they don't want a wild man running U.S. policy either.

I'm guessing James' field is astrophysics, since he seems to have discovered a mirror universe where everybody sports goatees.

Politics is worse today than it has been for decades, because of the rise of the Boomer Left, culminating in Obama the Messiah.

Which, when you're expecting Jesus, is sort of like when you open the door in a game of "Mystery Date" and get the sloppy beatnik instead of the crewcut guy with the corsage.

Wise policymakers understand the limits of their power and end up practicing the rule of "First, Do No Harm." We now have a U.S. president who has turned that upside-down: First, do some harm.

Please do not reveal the incredible twist ending to James' previous paragraph.  Especially if M. Night Shyamalan is within earshot.

It hasn't worked, and it won't. Obama is a loose cannonball. He has only one guiding principle, the aggrandizement of his own ego. But just one Nobel Peace Prize, just one presidency, can never be enough for his insatiable needs. Obama will always need more. 

Obama wants to control everything except himself. That has always been a formula for tyranny, and Obama is no exception. 

Character is destiny.

It would also appear, James, that cartoon character is destiny -- especially if you're destined to write for American Thinker.

Ladies Who Lynch

You may remember James Lewis from a previous appearance on World O' Crap ("Dr. Lewis, Your Penis is Calling"), in which he revealed that he's “a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly," and in which he also defended Sarah Palin from "the feminist lynch mob."

Well, the Loose Women with the Noose are practicing their grim profession again, and James won't have it, for he simply cannot abide the thought of a word without Palin's "looks, charm, and eloquence."  But unlike Rich Lowry, James is not about wink-activated erectile tissue; no, he loves the Guv for her mind.  "Personally I like Palin for her ideas, but then I’m a policy wonk."

Which may be why he takes an unusually literary approach to his complaint, beginning with a lengthy quote from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, specifically, the scene in which Colonel Sherburn shoots an obnoxious drunk in lukewarm blood, then later turns back an aspiring lynch mob with nothing but fluent scorn and a double-barreled shotgun.  You can see how this applies to feminist disagreements with Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin's Grace Under Pressure

That's the John Wayne scene you've watched in a hundred Westerns, but it's now happening in reality. I think Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, and the other conservative candidates are the Ronald Reagans of our time. It's not just a Hollywood flick.

They're not like some movie actor.  They're like a bad movie actor.

We are living in a poisonous time in American politics. The source of that poison is very clear. In case you were wondering, it's not the polite and well-behaved Tea Partiers.

There was some speculation last time about which scientific discipline James pursues in his day job.  Turns out his field is alchemical-etymology, or the transmuting of irony into actual iron.

Democrats have turned into ranting demagogues again, just like the Jim Crow South. In the last hundred years they have changed nothing but their scapegoats. You can easily pick out the shameless ones among them. They don't hide it. This is what Michael Barone calls "gangster government."

Thanks to recent technical advances, alchemical-etymologists can now take two unrelated words which don't describe what they're talking about, and combine them to make their point even more obscure.  Previously, an invisible force, which some scientists called "logic" and others dubbed "shame" caused the words to repel each other like magnets; but James and his colleagues achieved a breakthrough when they realized that dissimilar words could be forced to couple if the first one was a movie genre.  This is a phenomenon scientists now refer to as "slasher theosophy."

The Undefeated is a stunning documentary about Governor Sarah Palin against the lynch mobs of the left.

This is true; the film has been proven to have the same effect on the audience as a Taser.

These are not overly polite Adlai Stevenson liberals.

They actually win sometimes.

They are radical throwbacks to Saul Alinsky and Jozef Stalin. They follow Alinsky and the ACORN rules. These are the same people who have made our schools ungovernable. They are not just "stuck on stupid." They are stuck on the systematic abuse of power.

Translation:  "Young Pioneers!  Comrade Stalin Exhorts You to Build an Ungovernable State of Anarchy and Chaos in Your School with Iron Discipline and Unflagging Dedication!"

Political leaders who stand up against the media mob deserve a badge of courage. That goes especially for Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Herman Cain -- because in some perverse way the left reserves special abuse for the women and blacks it tries to control. It's the slavemaster's rage at liberated slaves.

I wonder how Adlai Stevenson would have expressed his slavemaster's rage.  Politely, no doubt.

Over three decades, I've seen lynch mob mentality rising in our colleges and universities, beginning with the Alinsky left. Every teacher and professor in this country has his own memories of that. 

Except for Associate Professor Doug Mullay, who teaches Diesel Technology and Dance at Truckee Meadows Community College, and who can't remember the lynch mob mentality rising at all since 1981.  But let's face it, TMCC is a total party school, and back in the lawless Clinton years Associate Professor Mullay was known to mix O'Douls and Dimetapp.

A few years ago the liberal president of Harvard was fired by the witch-hunters of the left for blurting out an innocent question about math talent and gender. That was far and away the most shameful moment of my lifetime in academic life.

And that innocent non-witch was never heard from again, if you don't count the part about him becoming a top White House official. 

Other than the global warming fraud, that is. Witch-hunting and global frauding are closely related.

In Colonial New England, Puritan communities would often have to purchase carbon offsets before they could burn a witch.

In an atmosphere or free speech on campus, no self-respecting scientist would let the global warming fraud to survive for a moment. Global frauding is a side-effect of an atmosphere of fear and intimidation in the schools and colleges.

It's only the fear of the Witchfinder General that prevents James himself from putting the entire staff of the NOAA under citizen's arrest.

The biggest fraud in the history of science is losing ground today. But if we do not defeat the totalitarian left on campus, a different eco-fraud will take its place. 

Spruce trees will begin emailing you, pretending to be the Nigerian Oil Minister.

None of this behavior belongs in a civilized society. Civilization is the ability to control the primitive side of human nature, the part that explodes in lynch mobs. If we allow this to go on, civilization will be the loser. 

Every time a Prius is sold, Barbarism hoots derisively at Civilization and makes an "L" on its forehead.

Around the world, hyenas from a thousand years ago are already circling for the kill, because they can see our moral weakness. Europe is practically gone already.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who is desperately hoping that someone, somewhere, is working on a summer blockbuster about ancient zombie hyenas attacking Luxembourg.

Alinsky prescribed hateful agitation to overthrow civilized society, just like the imams of radical Islam. There's nothing "progressive" about the left. They are a purposeful throwback to chimpanzee mobs. 

Which are known for their propensity to lynch in the wild, as detailed in the 1971 Jane Goodall book, The Chimp-Bow Incident.

Unfortunately, Alinsky Rules are Obama's rules.

That's why the coming election will be the dirtiest since Jim Crow.

Chimps will lynch Republicans, while thousand year old members of the New Hyena Party will circle the polling place, attempting to intimidate Sarah Palin voters.

Today, conservatives take risks when they speak in public. That is intolerable in a free country. There is no free speech if you are afraid to say whatever you want. 

Yeah!  Just imagine the kind of smack James would be talking right now if he actually had any balls.

What we are seeing in the Age of Obama is not normal politics. It's certainly not the end of race-baiting. We are seeing a throwback to a much more primitive time.

They said it couldn't happen here. They said it was just the stuff of fiction, or paranoid fantasies, but we are all -- all of us! -- living through the same despair and horror experienced by the astronauts in It's About Time.

Mark Twain knew about lynch mobs in the South. But lynch mobs have been stirred up by radical left agitators going back to Karl Marx. Ottoman mobs killed Christian Armenians, Russian and Polish mobs killed Jews, white segregationist American mobs lynched blacks, Hutu mobs killed Tutsis. It's not race.

"Except for all the examples I just provided that shows it is."  Still, James has a good point, because occasionally, as in the case of Leo Frank, white segregationist American mobs would lynch a Jew, just to prove they weren't racists.

Since the left rose to power in America, new form lynch mobs have made a comeback -- with a vengeance, as the saying goes. "Vengeance" is the word.

I don't mean to quibble, but I believe "Grease" is the word.

 Lynch mobs have to feel aggrieved, and they have to find a target for their rage. They do not think. Facts don't matter. All they need is a scapegoat is vent their rage. 

So, you're recruiting?

The morons of Hollywood now specialize in lobbing dirt shells against decent Americans. The big media are run by billionaires who like to combine radical ideology with self-serving narcissism. These are not good people. They are malignant.

And as long as they're shelling us, they should probably go the extra step and load their ordnance with explosives instead of potting soil.  Otherwise I just feel like they're not taking me seriously as a potential source of collateral damage.

Not many elections are a genuine struggle between good and evil.

Especially Republican primaries, which are usually a genuine struggle between dumb and dumber.

Lincoln's election just before the Civil War was one such. Churchill's election in pre-War Britain was another. Good vs. malignant elections are rare, but they happen.

Well, Churchill wasn't elected Prime Minister, he was appointed by the George VI, so I guess that means his opponent in the House of Commons by-election for Epping was malignant.  Probably a Death Eater, too.

 If Sarah Palin doesn't get elected president, she should at least get an Academy Award for bringing back the vivid memory of Ronald Reagan and Good-versus-Evil morality movies. 

Or at least an AVN Award for "Best MILF/Necrophilia Dry-Humping Release (Non-Foreign)."

Most times are mixtures of good and bad. 

(Here James is reaching back into the Western Canon again, and quoting Charles Dickens' rejected opening line for A Tale of Two Cities.)

Palin is only one hero today.

But if you get her wet, or feed her after midnight, there could be half a dozen of her by tomorrow.  So beware.

A Moment of Silence. And a Booster Seat.

By now I'm sure you've heard the bitter news: that Mitch (The Bantam Menace*) Daniels has declined  to run for President, 'cause his legs too short to kickbox with God.

Certainly there are stupider, loonier, even drabber candidates out there vying for the Republican nomination, and you may have already picked a particular bipedal train wreck to root for, hoping your preferred candidate will go the distance and delay crashing before he or she can get up a good head of steam and take out a load-bearing wall at the Gare Montparnasse.

But I think we can all agree that Daniel's withdrawal represents a tragedy for aficionados of snark and schadenfreude, because his participation in the race meant that Bats Left/Throws Right would have become to Midwestern States Governed By Surly Megalomaniacs With Napoleonic Complexes* what Mudflats was to Palin.  I would have gladly paid 3D ticket prices to see a cable news personality recite even a single Riley quote in the vicinity of David Brooks, before the anchor's tongue inevitably turned to ash in his mouth and he concluded the segment by vomiting steam and pyroclasts like Eyjafjallajökull.

So please join me in a moment of silence for What Might Have Been.

*© Doghouse Riley

Meet the Latest Robin of Berkeley

Okay, so maybe Adam Yoshida isn't an adequate substitute for Robin. For one thing, he doesn't whine constantly about his victimization by people who don't give him plastic bags for his tampons. And for another, he doesn't make crusades out of hiding from Trick or Treaters.

So, American Thinker had to come up with somebody else. Enter Ray Gross. And here are some excerpts from his maiden Think.

Sarah and the San Francisco Poster Wars

I am gay. I live in San Francisco. For the last few years I've had a terrible secret, one I felt necessary to hide from hateful and intolerant people. Who would these people be, and what am I hiding?

I am hiding from the Liberal Left. I am hiding that I'm a conservative.

Comes from the Bay area? Check! Hiding that he's a conservative from the liberal forces who would send him to re-education camp if his secret came out? Check! Plus, he's gay!!! That beats being a licensed psychotherapist hands down, especially since nobody can report you to the gay licensing board for conduct not befitting a homosexual, based on your columns.

Oh, and Roy also loves Sarah Palin just as much as Robin does ... and MORE!

With my new awareness of myself and the world around me, I decided to keep my eyes open for someone I can trust, someone who represents truth, honesty, goodness, and above all, strength of character.

Enter Sarah Palin. The moment I heard her speak, I knew she was special.

Um, not like Trig is special, but special in that the fine people of Berkeley San Fransisco regularly hang her in effigy or something.

There was an unmistakable honesty and strength about her. All hell broke loose on the left when she entered the scene. The ferociousness and vileness of the attacks towards her comforted me because I know how the left operates. She was telling the truth, and in doing so was exposing the underlying falsehoods of their belief system.

They believed that North Korea was our enemy, but Sarah exposed this for the lie it is by just being her!

Anyway, much like Robin's secret mission to bring down the Left by saying "Bless You" when people sneeze, Roy has his own covert operation to make the world a Righter place.

At the crack of dawn I went to that fence, and pasted over the vile and angry posters of Governor Palin with another poster. A poster of Sarah, with hands clasped in front of her looking up in prayerful thanks, her smile genuine, her eyes sparkling. Behind her is the same sunburst design found on a well known Harvey Milk poster from the seventies.

Yes, it's the ascension of Sarah. Or, it's Sarah in the middle of nuclear testing at Ground Zero. Anyway, Ray is now Saved. Saved by the power of Sarah. Can I get an amen?

Standing in front of these new posters I felt hope and power. I felt proud, not only of the beautiful message of Sarah's image, but I felt proud of myself. Proud of how far I had come from the days of my old cocoon of ignorance and intolerance to my present place of self awareness.

And this is just one of the miracles performed by Saint Sarah of Alaska. I think she is ready for the beatification committee.

The Cult of Sarah Palin

Yeah, per the wingnuts, not only was Sarah born free of the stain of original sin, but all of her children (Bristol, Nascar, Holiday Inn, Exxon, and Trigonometry) were virgin births. At least, that seems to be the underlying message of many of their columns.

Take, for instance, this Renew America column by Pastor Swank wannabe Reverend Michael Bresciani: 7 reasons America needs Sarah Palin in 2012

Michael starts his column by explaining why many of the other probably Republican presidential nominees are out of the running (too obscure, too fat, too Mormon). He then claims that most Americans are too busy and too stupid to ascertain the best person for the job anyway. So, we should just let Michael pick the candidate for us, and he picks Sarah! And here's why:

1. The simplest howbeit most important reason Sarah Palin is the best choice for President in 2012 is because she is not Barack Obama.

Then again, neither is Lindsay Lohan, so maybe we should be considering her for the job.

2. The second reason is because she has the most exposure of all the candidates.

Except for Lindsay Lohan, of course.

While Obama may attempt to raise a billion bucks for his campaign treasury Sarah has been climbing into the view and the hearts of millions of Americans

So, that's what that was! I thought it was fatty arterial plaque.

... though her work with the Tea Party, the mid-terms and her TV series on Alaska not to mention her two books, both well received throughout the nation.

"Well-received" = "Shipped to book stores throughout America, remaindered, chopped into mulch, and then enjoyed by slugs and earthworms everywhere."

3. Although it could easily be misconstrued on the most fundamental level Sarah will make a good candidate on her appearance.

Yes, while this may be misconstrued by those who think it's superficial to vote for a candidate based on appearance, these people are probably also against the plan to let each year's Miss America serve as Secretary of Defense.

She is a lovely person that for many typifies the classic beauty of the American Woman. In a world where appearance counts for much she has it all.

Ears, hair, skin, glasses, breasts: she has it all!

She is beautiful, well poised and dignified at all times. She would be a credit to the nation in the company of other world leaders

They would certainly let her into the World Leaders Club if she could only wow them with her talent number and win the swimsuit competition.

...and would certainly be respected for her manner, graceful charm and personality.

As long as she kept her mouth shut.

4. Sarah has faith in God. It would make some people more comfortable if this fact appeared at the end of the list or as an appendage to this piece but we must never forget that Christians still make up a majority of people here in the U.S.

And although most of the other people in the US believe in God, they don't believe in the RIGHT God or gods, so their votes shouldn't count.

The apostasy and the creeping liberal influences of the day notwithstanding, two out of three people say they have faith in God and his Son Jesus Christ.

And so, by extension, they have faith in Sarah Palin, who has taken over the role as the Holy Ghost.

5. Sarah Palin is well endowed

See Reason #3

... with what we know as character and integrity.

Which is why she quit her job as Governor once it got hard.

It is that stuff that Americans used to be satisfied with in our leaders even if they weren't the sharpest tool in the shed.

Yeah! Stupid people used to be good enough to lead us! It's only in our effete, liberal era that we want our President to be able to read and such.

Anyone with a nickels worth of intelligence knows that our Presidents don't run the office alone. The cabinet and staff are a major part of any single President's success. Palin can be trusted to surround herself with the very best and that is the best we can hope for.

So she will undoubtedly find her own Dick Cheney to run the office for her. Hey, the old Dick Cheney will probably be available in 2012, as long as nobody cares about the lack of heart beats and respiration!

But the bottom line is that while Sarah is not that smart, neither are many Americans. Don't they deserve a President of their peers?

6. Sarah's background and upbringing in one of the most rugged states in the country

A state where one can see Russia out of one's bathroom window, which automatically qualifies one as a foriegn affairs expert and at least a vice presidential candidate.

... along with her desire to make America less dependent on foreign oil will no doubt serve to guide her decisions around the environmental lobbyists, excessive EPA regulations and do what is right for the nation.

"Do right" = "Do away with all EPA regulations, gut Alaska for its oil reserves, and introduce Soylent Green as a alternative fuel source."

7. The seventh reason I believe Sarah would be the best choice in 2012 is because she is affording America a real chance to make history. She would become our first female President.

Again, may I propose Lindsay Lohan for the GOP 2012 ballot?

Obama made history as our first black President; unfortunately he is not a homeboy. He is not one of our very own up thru the ghetto or emerging from the civil rights movement kind of African American.

And if someone isn't born in a ghetto or wasn't part of the '60's civil rights movement, then they can't claim to be an African American, even if their father was African and they are American. But wait . . .

In fact a large contingent of Americans are still not satisfied that he was even born in America.

Next time we will examine Michael's column of today, in which he objects to us calling this contingent "crazy."

Sarah has been a wonderful mother,

Sure, daughter Bristol is a high school dropout and an unemployed, unwed mother, but it was through Sarah's example that Bristol found fulfillment through appearing on reality TV.

a good Governor

except for the scandal and corruption. Oh, and the part where she quit midterm.

and a great rallying force in America

Everybody loved those Tina Fey sketches!

since she was cast on the scene by John McCain in the 2008 race.

Sadly, she wasn't that great of a rallying force for John McCain, but since he only qualified for one of Michael's seven points, it's no wonder that he lost.

She can be the very best choice in 2012 for all of the above reasons and a long list of others too numerous to cover in one article.

Such as:

8. She could lead the nation in shooting the undead from a helicopter in the event of a zombie holocaust.

9. She won't waste a lot of time reading newspapers, so she'll have more time to send tweets to other heads of state.

10. She can give us all rides to the store in her snowmobile during the next big winter snow storm.

And many more.

Scott adds (after helpful editorial input from trashfire):