After learning that today is National Sardines Day, I felt compelled to pen this limerick:
How I loathe the vile smell of sardines.
It’s far worse than the farts caused by beans.
When my spouse grabs a can
Of those critters… oh, man,
I must flee, lest I sully my jeans.
“I’m afraid of long tunnels! Can’t do it,”
Said a claustrophobe. “Stop, or you’ll rue it!”
“Close your eyes and don’t whine,”
Said his wife. “You’ll be fine!
You can open them now. You got through it!”
Said the coach to the batter, “The fray
That you started ain’t going away:
Remember the gurneys?
Those ‘fans’ got attorneys
Who’ve sued us for batt’ry today.”
A young woman who talks a blue streak,
Has a voice that’s a maddening shriek.
But although she is yappy,
Her hubby seems happy.
(It must help that the man’s an antique.)
“Stop the punning! I’m begging you, hon.
It’s not normal to constantly pun.
You’re driving me nuts!
No ifs, ands, or buts!”
The rejoinder: “Butt out, or we’re done!”
“You are so out of touch,” said the teen
To his mother, “and also you’re mean!”
“I do not like your tone,”
She said, seizing his phone.
“And now YOU’RE out of touch. No more screen!”
My damn email spam’s out of control!
My attempts at a fix? A black hole!
Unsubscribing with zeal
Simply proves that I’m REAL,
A great target — a gullible soul.
When instructed to “Look over there”
At an elephant, artwork, or chair,
I will look the wrong way,
At some other display.
Will I see what I’m meant to see? Ne’er!
I don’t mean to look elsewhere, I swear.
Yet perversely, I can’t help but stare
To the left, when the right’s
Where I might see the sights
That my hubby’s attempting to share.
The next time you hear about or (even worse) run across a disembodied foot that’s washed ashore, there’s a solid scientific explanation: “Feet easily disarticulate and when they are attached to a flotation device such as a running shoe, they are easily washed ashore…”
This calls for a limerick, don’t you think?
You wear running shoes? Try not to drown!
If you do while they’re on, you’ll stay down,
Except for your feet,
Which will fall off — not neat —
Float to shore and draw many a frown.
Though the calendar tells me it’s spring,
It’s belied by each temp’rature swing.
We used heat just last week.
Now AC we must tweak.
I guess winter is due for a fling.
“I’m exhausted,” said Pete. “Must unwind
And relax, to escape from the grind.
I’ve been moving non-stop.
On a couch I should plop,
But I can’t: That’s not how I’m inclined!”
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SLIP or SLIPPED at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DECEIT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DECEIT-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
BOTTLE, DARK, GUITAR, RELEASE, SCOLD.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa, and use any other variant of the random words. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 2, 2024, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 1, 2024 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SLIP or SLIPPED-Rhyme Limerick:
The young oboist tried not to slip
While adjusting her reed; a small snip
Was essential — that’s all!
The reed cracked! Did she bawl?
No, she still kept a stiff upper lip.
And here’s my DECEIT-Themed Limerick:
You have taken advantage of me,
Yet again, said a gal to “pal” Leigh.
I’m feeling abused,
Betrayed and misused,
And I’m betting a court will agree.
You’ve frequently borrowed my spouse
To repair things that break in your house.
It appears that “repair”
Is code for “affair.”
How dare you have sex with that louse!
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
Do not bottle up feelings, we’re told,
But that sort of advice leaves me cold.
Were my feelings released
I’d turn into a beast;
An express-it-all, ornery scold.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUSAN SETTJE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Every night when the hallway is black,
Naughty children are on the attack.
Is it army-men green?
Tiny marbles unseen?
No, tonight, I have stepped on a jack.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the ANNOYANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Annoyances?! I’ve quite a few.
For a start, there’s that leak in the loo.
I’ve a regular flow,
As small gripes come and go,
But the big one’s still here, and it’s you!
Congratulations to JUSTIN OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.
My brain – it no longer has space.
There are things I will need to erase.
Yes, it’s time to eject
Stupid facts I collect
And let new pointless stuff take its place.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Anthea Simick, Alice Lam, Bindy Bitterman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Justin OConnor, Jim Strossman, Tim Roberts, Jean McEwen, Marc Davidson, Bob Turvey, and Joan Perrin. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: TACK/ATTACK-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though I sometimes will long to talk smack,
It is pointless to try; I’ve no knack.
When it’s my turn to diss,
I say something like this:
“Tell your Mother, go sit on a tack!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TACK/ATTACK-RHYME DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
My goal was to chill and sit back,
Read the paper, and then hit the sack.
But my plan was in vain
Cuz my OCD brain
Gave rise to this lim’rick attack.
Terry Marter:
At the carpet bugs’ party-time snack,
They heard a loud almighty wack!
When they turned, they saw Fred
Was apparently dead;
Fully hammered, – now under a tack.
Anthea Simick:
Please don’t think this a verbal attack,
But I can’t take much more of your flack.
I have bitten my tongue
At the insults you’ve flung.
Now I’m ready to give it right back.
Alice Lam:
Today, I have gotten off track,
But it’s not motivation I lack.
My cat’s on my lap
And she’s taking a nap.
I’m not lazy, just under attack.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Expecting a frontal attack,
One poor victim when strapped to the rack,
Face down, as it were,
Had no time to demur;
Some have said he was taken aback.
Bindy Bitterman:
Oy, that siren! An air raid attack?
A tornado glimpsed twenty miles back?
Nah, just Mary’s two kids
Doing what she forbids—
It goes off when they sneak in to snack!
Tim James:
He’s a Trumper, so cut him some slack.
He knows nothing but how to talk smack.
Since I don’t wish to carp,
I’ll say only: He’s sharp.
(Like a bowling ball, not like a tack.)
Doug Harris:
My dentist said; “Son, all this plaque
Is something you need to attack.
Start gargling and flossing
And maybe less tossing
Of sweets down your neck for a snack?”
Tim James:
He flexed, and looked forward and back
As he silently planned his attack.
Then he struck, and his prey
Lay in shreds, cold and gray.
Catnip toys cause more mayhem than crack.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANNOYANCE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
She’s a tenant, about to receive
Legal notice demanding she leave
If she doesn’t get rid
Of her dogs, cats, and kid.*
You could call it her landlord’s pet peeve.
Justin OConnor, for his “Annoyed Puppy”
As soon as he gets up to leave,
His dog barks and then nips at his sleeve.
He can’t take her to work,
So she barks, “What a jerk!”
Now that’s what I call a pet peeve.
Jim Strossman, for his “Exotic Pet Dealer’s Lament:”
Raising porcupines has for me been
An enterprise fraught with chagrin,
I occasionally will
Get impaled by a quill.
Man, that really gets under my skin!
Tim Roberts:
“Your hair is annoying,” she said.
“So please shave it all off your head.”
In order to faze her,
I got out my razor
And shaved off my nutsack instead.
Terry Marter:
Living closely with one’s kith and kin,
Was Plan A, but it’s under my skin.
So I’ve turned to Plan B,
Which will soon set me free,
But I’m gonna need more than one bin.
Jean McEwen:
A huge source of vexation, for me,
Is when folks fail to RSVP
To an invite – then show
Up and act just as though
They’re entitled to join in high tea.
Terry Marter:
I deal with those small things in life
That grow large over time, causing strife.
Like the wee gal I wed,
Who has outgrown our bed.
She’s now missing; the rumors are rife.
Marc Davidson:
It’s the cause of no little annoyance
Seeking gems with the proper chatoyance.
This search for a glint
Keeps my eyes in a squint
And calls for a deal of clairvoyance.
Lisi Nortman:
Fin’ly realized without any doubt
What the noise in my car was about.
The sound was so shrill
It was making me ill.
Bit the bullet and pushed my wife out.
Bob Turvey:
When I met a young dog in the street,
He yapped and then bit both my feet.
He then pissed on my shoe,
Dropped a huge smelly poo,
And his owner said, “Isn’t he sweet!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Says a soothsaying senior named Snead,
“As a Seer I’m still up to speed!”
He loves his clairvoyance,
But hates the annoyance
Of relying on glasses to read.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.)
Jim Strossman:
On the golf course from Spring until Fall
I swing at that freaky white ball;
I aim left, it goes right,
Sometimes right out of sight!
It seems pointless to aim it at all.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My cat is a creature prehensile,
And whenever she falls on a pencil,
She gets a good grip,
Then gnaws at its tip,
Till it’s rendered a pointless utensil.
Jean McEwen:
Anne and Victor were hopelessly geeky.
But then Anne, one day, donned a dashiki.
Her new look was so glamorous–
Vic got all amorous.
Kinky sex then ensued. Kind of freaky!
Joan Perrin:
In the mirror I no longer see,
Any vestige of glamorous me.
It is pointless, that’s all,
As I watch my face fall:
Norma Desmond, I turned out to be.
Justin OConnor:
There’s a strange, freaky jellyfish ball.
That takes place underwater each fall.
No longer deemed pointless.
(It’s just for the jointless.)
But glamorous? No, not at all.”
Tim James:
With the ladies I yearn to get freaky,
But old age has crept up on me. Sneaky!
I’d like to get stronger
So I can go longer.
This body’s become a bit creaky.
Terry Marter:
Looking glamorous, dressed for the ball,
Her breasts perky, though not very small,
In her see-through topped gown,
Were the talk of the town,
The word “pointless” heard nowhere at all.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
A convivial fellow from France
Took the stage and performed a short dance.
He was graceful and masked.
“Did you like it?” he asked.
Though most clapped, I said, “Next time, wear pants!”
Happy “International Dance Day!” (April 29th each year)
“Tell me, why are you dating that bum?”
Said a gal to her strict-vegan chum.
“Yes, that fellow’s no saint,
But the man sure can paint!
Plus the guy has a very green thumb.”
A fellow who frequently mopes,
Moaned, “Ev’rything dashes my hopes!”
He even bewailed
A self-hanging that failed:
“The NEXT time, I’m learning the ropes!”
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.