Archive for February, 2013

Dear Readers (Limerick)

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

Earlier this week, DVersePoets asked us how we feel about blog poetry feedback:

Dear Readers (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When you visit my blog, don’t be mute.
Feel free to critique. Be astute.
Admiration is sweet,
And a LOL can’t be beat.
But I beg you, don’t say that it’s “cute.”

Limerick Ode To Miserable Singing

Monday, February 25th, 2013

Many people were offended by Seth MacFarlane’s “Saw Your Boobs” at last night’s Oscars. But, at the risk of damaging my feminist cred, I’m not one of them.

Of course, I do understand the negative reaction. However, the song didn’t bother me because I viewed it as parody, rather than misogyny.

But what did bother me at the Oscars was everybody pretending that the Les Misérables cast can sing.

Limerick Ode To Miserable Singing
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are folks who appear up in arms:
For the “boob song,” they sound the alarms.
But to me, here’s what riled:
Dreadful singing gone wild
In Les Miz — kindly call les gendarmes.

Limerick Drone (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, February 24th, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And since the Oscars are on tonight, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to the Oscars, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Oscars-related limerick.

And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge: I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow who’d constantly drone…*

or

A woman who’d constantly drone…*

or

A fellow who felt like a drone…*

or

A woman who felt like a drone…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Drone
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A salesman who’d constantly drone
Was forced to go off on his own.
Here’s the hole in his plan:
He bored ev’ry man
And each woman he pitched on the phone.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (102)

Sunday, February 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

William Tell and his son on a roll
At the Lucky Strike Lanes set a goal:
At least spare every frame.
But their team had no name,
So we don’t know for whom the Tells bowl.

Congratulations to Kevin Ahern, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman is playing a role.
Getting tourists to Asia’s her goal.
The simple idea:
Advance her Korea,
Making bucks while she’s selling her Seoul.

And congratulations to Craig Dykstra and Johanna Richmond, who jointly win this special Limerick Repartee Award for their limerick exchange:

Craig Dykstra:

I just couldn’t get on a roll.
This week I fell short of my goal,
Which is: “Be so damn funny
That Mad gives me money.”
(Or at least get the ol’ gal to LOL.)

Johanna Richmond:

Craig D says he’s not on a roll,
But be careful, Craig, show some control:
Might get only *one win*
For committing the sin
Of calling our lovely host ol’!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Gary Hallock, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, John Peter Larkin, and David McCormick.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Gary Hallock:

A woman frets over her roll:
“Fine dining,” she says, “took its toll.
Over par at each course,
For I eat like a horse.
Now I look like I’m ready to foal.”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was playing a role
Of being a merry old soul,
But found he’s not very
Inspired as merry
And asked, “Would you settle for droll?”

Jamie Hutchinson:

Some fossil requested a roll
Of film from a digital soul,
A green little brat,
Who said, “Batt’ry with that?
Or’s your camera powered by coal?”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman tossed in a fresh roll
When she hadn’t the change for her toll.
It jammed the machine.
She was chased from the scene,
But she then buttered up the patrol.

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

An actor was playing the role
Of nasty pugnacious old troll
By shaking his spear
At everyone near
With Shakespeare his ultimate goal.

John Peter Larkin:

A fellow was eating a roll
While trying to pay a bridge toll.
The car hit a bump,
Which made his arm jump,
And that’s why he swallowed it whole.

David McCormick:

When a singer’s rehearsing a role,
“Know every song backwards!” he’s tol’.
That is why tenors hunger
For “Springtime Than Younger”
And basses for “River Man Ol’.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To “Be Humble Day”

Thursday, February 21st, 2013

Happy “Be Humble Day!” (February 22)

Limerick Ode To “Be Humble Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man who was told to be humble
Objected and started to grumble:
“My modesty’s famed,”
He loudly proclaimed.
‘Twas a fumble that’s worthy of Trumbull.*

*John Trumbull was an American political satirist, poet, and lawyer.

Why I Write Limericks (Limerick)

Monday, February 18th, 2013

Brian over at DVerse Poets asks us why we write:

Why I Write Limericks (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I write cuz I don’t have a choice.
I’m simply compelled to give voice
To distress through my humor:
This angst-ridden boomer
Must in whimsy and lim’ricks rejoice.

The Role Of Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, February 17th, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman was playing a role…*

or

A fellow was playing a role…*

or

A woman was eating a roll….*

or

A fellow was eating a roll….*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

The Role of Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman was playing a role,
Pretending she golfed and could bowl.
But the sports-loving guy
She was out with could spy
And pin down her claim’s obvious hole.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (101)

Sunday, February 17th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Found my dog in her pretty bow tie
Fast asleep near a half-eaten pie.
I said “Fifi, confess!
It was you made this mess!”
But you know how those sleeping dogs lie.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins the Special Valentine’s Day-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I don’t have a Valentine card,
Though I searched on the whole boulevard.
There were none on the shelf,
So I wrote this myself
And I’m hoping I won’t be dis-bard.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A man who was wearing a tie
Thought he looked good enough to get by.
He got taken away
By the ol’ TSA
“’Cause you’re not wearing pants, sir – that’s why.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Edmund Conti, Lois Douthitt, Ira Bloom, Bob Dvorak, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

A tourist was wearing a tie.
She wanted to look like a guy.
So why did we fail
To see her as male?
She asked for directions, that’s why.

David Lefkovits:

A man who was wearing a tie
Remarked, with a gleam in his eye:
“Although I’m well-dressed,
I’m not as repressed
As these regiment stripes would imply.”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was wearing a Thai
Round his neck and was wondering why.
Can it be that all these
Unrestrained Siamese
Have trouble just saying “Good-bye”?

Lois Douthitt:

As the pirate was trying to tie
Up his wench, she refused to comply.
“Prone again on the bed?
I want face-up instead!
We will—arrgh!—never see aye-to-aye.”

Ira Bloom:

A jarhead, while wearing a tie,
Put his hand on a young lady’s thigh.
He was somewhat a louse,
As she wasn’t his spouse:
“Always ready” but not “semper fi.”

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow was wearing a tie:
Very long, it ran down to his fly.
Ask him why, he just sighs
And then gently replies,
“Comes in handy, to wipe her mouth dry.”

Craig Dykstra:

I got asked by a guy in a tie
Where my sexual preferences lie.
Was I straight? Was I gay?
“Well I guess I would say
That I do just enough to get bi.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Grouchy Limerick

Saturday, February 16th, 2013

Happy “Do A Grouch A Favor Day!” (February 16th)

Grouchy Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I don’t like being seen as a slouch,
But I’d rather not help out a grouch.
I’m not holding a grudge,
But I still will not budge.
Oh okay, you may sit on my couch.

Crawling With Gift Ideas (Limerick)

Thursday, February 14th, 2013

Crawling With Gift Ideas (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s too late for a Valentine’s broach?
Need a holiday gift plan to poach?
Well, here’s something new
From the helpful Bronx Zoo:
Give your sweetie her name on a roach.

From the Bronx Zoo, a strange and limited Valentine’s Day Offer:

Can’t decide on what to get that special someone for Valentine’s Day? Sometimes the answer is all around us, and right where it’s been for millions of years—like cockroaches!

Naming a Madagascar hissing roach in honor of someone near and dear to your heart shows that you’ve noticed how resilient, resourceful, and loyal that person is. You’re not afraid to say, “Baby, you’re a roach!”

WCS’s Bronx Zoo has 58,000 of these brown, iridescent beauties, and most go humbly by “whatchamacallit.” With a $10 donation, you can name one for your sweetie, and send a truly unique certificate of honor.

The Proof Is In The Drinking (Limerick) (Updated)

Tuesday, February 12th, 2013

Bad news for bourbon fans, like my husband Mark:

Maker’s Mark bourbon will lower the alcohol content in its bourbon from 45 percent to 42 percent.

Chief operating officer Rob Samuels said the reduction is the only way to meet higher demand…

The Proof Is In The Drinking (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Maker’s Mark has announced that it’s curbin’
The alcohol content of bourbon.
Now this isn’t a spoof–
I could give you the proof.
I’m just glad they’re not cognac disturbin’.

UPDATE: Maker’s Mark has wisely decided to reverse its decision. It won’t be watering down its bourbon, after all.

Limerick Tie (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, February 10th, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And since Valentine’s Day is coming soon, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to Valentine’s Day, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Valentine’s Day limerick.

And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge: I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man who was wearing a tie…*

or

A gal who was wearing a tie…*

or

A fellow was trying to tie…*

or

A woman was trying to tie…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Tie
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman had purchased a tie
For her husband, a jeans kind of guy.
He declared, “I won’t wear it.
My neck just can’t bear it.”
“Then good luck bearing kids,” her reply.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (100)

Sunday, February 10th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man who’d been recently canned
Was steamed to be dealt a bad hand.
After stewing inside,
He went out & got fried,
And ended up pickled as planned.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred who wins the Special Super Bowl-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The Super Bowl’s finally here.
Seems the hype has been building all year.
And while some think the game
Is exceedingly lame,
They’ll use any excuse to drink beer.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A man who was recently canned
Had squeezed a gal’s mammary gland.
He’d tried to insist
That he had just missed.
“I thought I was shaking her hand.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jim Gallagher, Johanna Richmond, Elaine Spall, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Bruce Niedt, Sue Dulley, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jim Gallagher:

My cat cannot bear food that’s canned,
Out of season, unseasoned or bland.
She won’t have a nibble
Or soupçon of kibble.
But gophers are gruesomely grand.

Johanna Richmond:

A senior home worker was canned
For thoughtfully lending a hand
To the ladies — their files
He kept in two piles:
“Still stressed” and “sufficiently manned.”

Elaine Spall:

Chef Ramsay, when served something canned
In a rest’rant he once thought was grand,
Showed his utter disdain
Using words quite profane.
Both the language and food should be banned.

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was recently canned
For being too high paid a hand.
And as he was fired,
A new man was hired.
And that’s how a Walmart is manned.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A limericker recently canned
As a stock clerk had one last demand:
She said she would need her
Handheld barcode reader
To ensure that her poetry scanned.

Steve Whitred:

To paraphrase Donald, “You’re canned!”
Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand.
It’s no TV show lout
That he’s talking about,
But his face in the mirror all tanned.

Bruce Niedt:

Says Charlie, who’s recently canned,
“It’s a fate that I do understand,
Though my hour is darkest,
I once worked for Star-Kist —
We tuna are much in demand.”

Sue Dulley:

A gambler was recently canned
And banned from the MGM Grand.
He made all his wins
Masquerading as twins,
While holding a queen in each hand.

Diane Groothuis:

An elephant had to be canned
For refusing to go on the stand.
He embarrassed the clown,
Disappointed the town,
And squirted green slime at the band.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

NOT Hailing This Storm (Limerick)

Friday, February 8th, 2013

NOT Hailing This Storm (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A blizzard’s upon us. I’m worried,
Cuz in over a foot we’ll be buried.
The prelude is hail,
Then snow by the bale.
If only our snow flakes just flurried.

Limerick Ode To National Bagel Day

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Is everybody ready for National Bagel Day? What about National Bagels & Lox Day? Whatever you want to call it, it’s celebrated on February 9th.

Limerick Ode To National Bagel Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Is “Bagel Day” fun, or just folly?
I suppose it makes bagel fans jolly,
Served with lox and cream cheese,
Maybe onion, but jeez,
I would rather just have a bialy.

Limerick Ode To Charles Dickens

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Happy Birthday, Charles Dickens! (February 7, 1812 – June 9, 1870) And happy Charles Dickens Day!

Limerick Ode To Charles Dickens
By Madeleine Begun Kane

What day is today? The plot thickens:
It’s the birthday of author Charles Dickens,
Whose serial fiction
(For some an addiction)
Never suffered from slim verbal pickin’s.

Jerky Review (Limerick)

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Does Consumer Reports really need to rate beef jerky and meat sticks?

Jerky Review (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Consumer Reports, what a waste:
Judging jerky and meat sticks for taste.
They’re all loaded with salt
And deserve a “Gevalt!”
Will you next rate the flavor of paste?

UPDATE: June 12 is National Jerky Day.

A Fishy Tale (Limerick)

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Yesterday, when I posted this anecdote about my mother-in-law on Facebook, several friends urged me to turn it into a limerick. And so, I’ve done just that. (My limerick is right below the anecdote.)

True story: Sunday night, Mark kept anxiously re-dialing his elderly mother. When she finally answered, her voice sounded very upset as she said, “A terrible thing happened.” Then she paused, as Mark’s heart skipped several beats.

His mother’s next words were: “They stopped making my salmon.”

(She was referring to her favorite canned salmon, which actually is still available, but was out of stock in the two stores she’d been to.)

And now, the limerick:

A Fishy Tale (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Something awful has happened,” she cried,
And then paused. We thought someone had died.
That’s Mark’s mom at her best:
Her horror expressed
About salmon no longer supplied.

My Super Bowl 2013 Wrap-Up (Limerick)

Monday, February 4th, 2013

My Super Bowl 2013 Wrap-Up (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Rumor has it, the game’s fin’ly ended,
Long delayed till the lighting was mended.
Someone lost. Someone won.
Watchers surely had fun.
As for me, my TV — unattended.

(Okay, this is technically a lie: My TV was attended by hubby Mark.)

The Perils Of Super Bowl Fare (Limerick)

Sunday, February 3rd, 2013

The Perils Of Super Bowl Fare (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My blood nearly came to a boil,
As our microwave flamed. Was it oil?
We stopped it in time,
And Mark’s wings were sublime.
Lesson learned: They come wrapped up in foil.

(While engrossed in the game, hubby Mark absent-mindedly put his box of Pizza Hut chicken wings in the microwave. Bad idea!)