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475 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 2019
…I take another look at the picture with the two lines crossing, both in impasto as they put it, and the paint has run a little and where the lines cross the colours have turned such a strange colour, a beautiful colour, with no name, they usually don’t have names because obviously there can’t be names for all the countless colours in the world, I think and I step a few feet back from the picture and stop and look at it and then turn off the light and stand there looking at the picture in the dark…
…they think God is the reason why anything exists at all, and that’s true, yes, there are skies so beautiful that no painter can match them, and clouds, yes, in their endless movements, always the same and always different, and the sun and the moon and the stars, yes, but there are also corpses, decay, stenches, things that are withered and rotten and foul, and everything visible is just visible, whether it’s good or bad, whether it’s beautiful or ugly, but whatever is worth anything, what shines, the shining darkness, yes, is the invisible in the visible, whether it’s in the most beautiful clouds in the sky or in what dies and rots, because the invisible is present in both what dies and what doesn’t die, the invisible is present in both what rots and what doesn’t rot, yes, the world is both good and evil, beautiful and ugly, but in everything, yes, even in the worst evil, there is also the opposite, goodness, love, yes, God is invisibly present there too, because God does not exist, He is, and God is in everything that exists…
I think of the four elder statesmen of Norwegian letters as a bit like the Beatles: Per Petterson is the solid, always dependable Ringo; Dag Solstad is John, the experimentalist, the ideas man; Karl Ove Knausgaard is Paul, the cute one; and Fosse is George, the quiet one, mystical, spiritual, probably the best craftsman of them all.
as if Asle was too hard, as if his pain, or his suffering, maybe that’s the better word, made me want to keep driving, not because I didn’t want to see him or spend time with him but because, no, I don’t know, but I wanted to get away, and maybe I thought I could drag his pain with me in a way, pull it behind me, that I could pull his suffering off of him and away from him if I kept driving?
as if Asle was too hard, as if his pain, or his suffering, maybe that’s the better word, made me want to keep driving, not because I didn’t want to see him or spend time with him but because, no, I don’t know, but I wanted to get away, and maybe I thought I could drag his pain with me in a way, pull it behind me, that I could pull his suffering off of him and away from him if I kept driving?
I think and suddenly I feel miserable, I feel grief, yes, it’s like grief is bursting from inside me, from nowhere, from everywhere, and it feels like this sorrow is about to choke me, like I’m breathing the sorrow in and I can’t breathe it out and I fold my hands and I breathe in deeply and I say to myself inside myself Kyrie and I breathe out slowly and I say eleison and I breathe in deeply and say Christe and I breathe out slowly and say eleison and I say these words again and again and the breaths and the words make it so that I’m not filled with sorrow any more, with fear, with sudden fear, with this sorrow in the fear so strong that’s suddenly come over me and that overpowers me and it’s like it’s made what’s I in me very small, turned it into nothing, but a nothing that’s nonetheless there, lodged firm
because all of this, is it even really happening? or do I just think it’s happening? or remember it happening? is it something that happened to me once? it must have been a long long time ago because I can’t remember it
because it’s like he’s fallen out of himself, out of where he usually is, like he no longer knows himself, like he’s gone, away from himself,
could someone be an artist and consider himself an artist just because he had something all his own in the pictures he painted? doesn’t a person need more
no, I probably don’t, no one can believe something like that, it goes against all wisdom and understanding, because either God is all-powerful and then there’s no free will, or God isn’t all-powerful and there is free will, within limits, but in that case God is not all-powerful, so ever since God gave humanity free will he gave up his omnipotence, something like that must be true, because without a will that’s free there can’t be love, and God is love