**spoiler alert** I almost always give even the shittiest books at least two stars because the author I'm bashing wrote words and got them published. **spoiler alert** I almost always give even the shittiest books at least two stars because the author I'm bashing wrote words and got them published. Good job. However, given that the story has already been optioned by Emma Stone, I don't think the author will be weeping into her labradoodle's fur over my piddly little review. So, fuck it. ONE STAR.
SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS AHEAD
"Psychology," I said. "I'm hoping to pursue my PhD here next fall - then, eventually get my master's."
Reader, my eyes closed in pain. I'd like to call this an editorial error, but I think the main character is actually this stupid. I have a master's degree. I also have a doctorate. Which one do you think came first - the doctor designation, or the dusty, useless piece of paper my mom put in a frame? Hmm.
Where to even start with this book? Chloe Davis, the human equivalent of hold music, is very deeply damaged. She's the daughter of a notorious serial killer, and she's done everything she can to separate herself from that life. Those efforts include the following: not changing her name, moving an hour away from her hometown, giving an interview on how her serial killer father inspired her career, ETC. Girlfriend, have you heard of Google? Everybody knows you. Your Ken-doll fiancé - yeah, you didn't have to reveal nothing, because other people know how the internet works.
Yep, let's discuss Ken-doll: he throws you surprise parties even though he knows you freak out about everything. He unilaterally decides to throw in a little surprise choking during some nice, relaxing morning sex. (Didn't your father's victims die by choking? Huh. Tacky). Dude disappears all the time and you never really bother to ask where he is or what he's doing. Sounds super great. A nice healthy relationship. At least you can call in prescriptions in his name! (Apparently psychologists can do that in Louisiana --solidifying the decision to set the book here, because this girl would have never made it through medical school).
Elevator music drug and alcohol problem: Look, I realize I'm more Hunter S. Thompson than most, but this D & A problem ain't really that bad. I work with lawyers and criminal defendants, and ALL of us are taking benzos legally or illegally and in much higher quantities than Princess Chloe here. You're worried ONE xanax is going to muck up your day? If you're really an addict, you'd have to take half the bottle to even notice you took anything. Two glasses of wine after a xanax, and you wake up not remembering what happened? Two xanax and you lose a DAY AND A HALF? This is some amateur shit right here. Our girl talks about having done all of this since college (10-12 years?) -- this is your tolerance? LEAVE THIS PARTY RIGHT NOW.
Some other random thoughts: they find Valium in the first victim's hair follicles approximately two seconds after they find the body. What coroner on what earth is looking at a hair follicle test first thing? Those things take days to process in a best case scenario. They would use a blood test, a vitreous fluid test, maybe even a urine test if there was any remaining. I've sat through enough expert witness testimony to feel personally affronted by this scene. This inattention to detail covered the entire book. I understand we don't all need to know the science. But if you don't have the science, you need the characters. Ergo, if there is neither science nor character, you have a fucking snoozer, my friends. Who even needs the Xanax at this point.
SHE SLEEPS WITH THE FAKE REPORTER MURDERER. God! Was the choking the day before not enough? Also, there was chocolate on a pillow at a Motel 6? Laugh out loud. This is like Blair from "Gossip Girl" trying to write "poor."
Then, revelation time. Chloe has solved this puzzle! The dang murderer is obviously taking these girls to Chloe's childhood home. She also apparently used to know him, because he's from her home town. EYE ROLL. She is going to drive right to the house and not tell anyone about it. She is also going to leave her phone in the car because why would you need that? (Aside: a famous serial killer's house has been sitting empty for 20 years and it's somehow completely intact, not vandalized, burned down...?) In what world?
Well, thankfully Dr. Brilliant Chloe remembers to take the gun into the house, even though she's never shot a gun in her life. Earlier in the book, she even rues the fact. "Golly gee, I should really learn to shoot this thing." But, in this perfect moment, the benzos have steadied her hands, and she shoots that dumb fucker reporter lover murderer right in the fatal spot. Deus ex 9mm.
But, of course that's not the end, because the killer from 20 years ago was Chloe's weirdo brother. Did that surprise a single person who read this? The serial killer sitting in jail never actually did it, duh. Turns out those porno mags Cooper kept in his room really pushed him over the edge. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE. Cooper feels the darkness, he says. Yeah, dude. We all feel the fucking darkness. Take this bottle of xanax and work it out.
The ending is Chloe arriving at her former(?) fiancé's sister's house. She drove to Mississippi to return the ring (certified mail anyone?), but she doesn't actually want to talk to Ken-doll. In retrospect, and aside from not asking permission for the choking, he wasn't so bad. He's a pharmaceutical rep and she's a drug "addict." Match made in heaven, DUH.
Chloe's dad gets out of jail because, also, DUH. My only emotional response to that was that everyone should watch the show Rectify and forget they read this stupid fucking book. If my kid was murdering people, you better believe I wouldn't take a murder rap for that little psycho!
Emma Stone, my beautiful, husky-voiced girlfriend: I love you, but this book is not your "Sharp Objects."...more
This book had me the moment it described a bar as being painted a "ghastly labial pink."This book had me the moment it described a bar as being painted a "ghastly labial pink."...more
Wtffffff did I just read? I'm tempted to give this five stars because I think it was "The Yellow Wallpaper" on a heroic dose of acid.Wtffffff did I just read? I'm tempted to give this five stars because I think it was "The Yellow Wallpaper" on a heroic dose of acid....more
I'm not even touching the plot on this idiotic book, but I have a few things I gotta say:
(1) An isolated mountain lodge does not have a generator? I sI'm not even touching the plot on this idiotic book, but I have a few things I gotta say:
(1) An isolated mountain lodge does not have a generator? I stayed in a shack in some Alaskan bush town accessible only by plane, and those people had a generator. My income-challenged neighbors have a generator. You cannot keep a giant hotel warm by utilizing a couple of fireplaces. Also, one character is amazed that another character knows HOW to make a fire. Darwin, freeze these people off this barren Earth.
(2) The characters can't reach out to the authorities when people start dying? So, lemme get this straight. There's no generator, no cell service, no wi-fi, no satellite phone, no Ham radio...nothing? They had better technology in The Shining, for Chrissakes.
(3) The water is still running despite the power being out. This hotel is so isolated, yet the water runs and that water is hot! (They do mention that the gas is still working, so okay, but why don't you have a gas furnace then? GOD). Apparently they are on a city water line beccaaauuuuse you need a pump to get water out of a well, and that requires, ding ding! Electricity.
**spoiler alert** Have I seen you? I wish I hadn't. I'm giving this book two stars because the author made sentences, put them together, and got the w**spoiler alert** Have I seen you? I wish I hadn't. I'm giving this book two stars because the author made sentences, put them together, and got the whole thing published somehow! Hey, that's more than I can do.
*SPOILERS AHOY* God, this book is just so STUPID. Let me give you some reasons why!
Ally's job -- okay, she apparently does some writing and podcasting about personal finances and how best to be a frugal young woman! She is also going to write a book about the subject, which will clearly be a New York Times bestseller. Meanwhile, she and her insufferable dial-tone of a husband order $50 takeout every single night. Also, this woman takes more Ubers and taxis in one book than I have in my entire life. If I can get around Seattle without a car for a couple of years, you can do it in NYC, bitch! Get your entitled ass on the subway.
The dead kid. So, when Ally was 9 years old, she took a shortcut through the woods and discovered (gasp!) a dead kid. Instead of, you know, telling someone, she kept it a secret for a few days because she thought her parents would be mad at her. I'm pretty sure finding a dead kid is more important than having to sit in the corner facing the wall for a few hours. She was 9, not 5. Jesus. So, this story line is basically a giant red herring because someone could be out to kill her now because of this thing that happened 25 years ago. See, adult Ally has a startling realization that the dead kid was in rigor mortis when she found her, which would have changed EVERYTHING for the investigation. EYE. ROLL. Then the kid killer finds her and tries to drown her, even though her testimony (as a 9-year-old) would be swiss-cheesed by any decent defense attorney. Unfortunately, she survives the attack.
That leads us to the real climax of the story (I guess). Look, if your therapist invites you to her house at night because she needs to talk to you, that therapist is obviously going to murder you. If any of my clients are ever invited to my house, it's going to end in a murder-suicide. There is literally NO other reason I would agree to see a client outside work hours.
Turns out, Ally's disassociated state/amnesia began because she walked into her therapist's house and found a dead body. The therapist is a murderer, see? It's been three hours since I finished the book and I already can't remember why. Anyway, now that the therapist is sure Ally remembers, she has to kill Ally too! (Also, Private Investigator Mulroney is dead. You were a ridiculous caricature, but RIP). Thankfully, Ally is such a bad ass because she manages to throw a pitcher of water at someone holding a gun on her. Guess what, guys? She gets away!
Dial-tone lawyer husband has been fucking around with an old law school classmate, so Ally gets to dump his ass; and, although not specifically stated, she gets back together with her old flame, Damien. Damien crops up through the whole book, despite the fact that they haven't talked in five years, because he is just SO CONCERNED about her. All this time, Ally thought he dumped her, but Damien sees it the other way around. He loves her!
I hope the divorce settlement with Dial-Tone is good, because I'd love to see practical little Ally live in Manhattan on a podcast salary. Enjoy the subway, bitch....more
Homophobes, beware! In this story about a village of women, there MAY be some lesbian leanings! I can't believe people are rating this lower because oHomophobes, beware! In this story about a village of women, there MAY be some lesbian leanings! I can't believe people are rating this lower because of an unexpected muff bump....more