I had to give up at 64% because I simply could not read about men marching and making camp and almost dying but not dying because ✨plot armor✨ and givI had to give up at 64% because I simply could not read about men marching and making camp and almost dying but not dying because ✨plot armor✨ and giving each other searching looks across tents (hey man did you forget that he had you almost flayed to death a few weeks ago?) for one more page. Female characters? Never heard of ‘em! You get one villainess and one warlord lady who whores out your slave to her nameless girls. Men always love all kinds of sex all the time so it totally works out. Boo get off the stage....more
There’s a stark difference between lyrical, poetic prose and word salad; unfortunately, I don’t know if anyone told the authors. I’m not saying I’m riThere’s a stark difference between lyrical, poetic prose and word salad; unfortunately, I don’t know if anyone told the authors. I’m not saying I’m right, or that you’re wrong if you loved it, just that I found myself thinking about all the other things I could be doing while I was listening to it. I understand being proud of yourself for coming up with a quippy line or clever simile, but writing 200 pages of them gets a bit tired and frankly starts feeling self-serving after the 60th or so unnecessary metaphor. This was exhausting to listen to, with a plot that was so thin it was almost nonexistent, starring characters that were more (ironically) colorless blobs than believable women, who have no chemistry despite their (I guess) best efforts. On the one hand, this seems too ambitious an undertaking for a novella, and on the other hand, my god if it was a full novel I would have simply given it up to go live in the mountains. ...more
While I loved how creepy and mysterious the violently haunted house was, I think this book leaned a little too heavily on people just not talking to eWhile I loved how creepy and mysterious the violently haunted house was, I think this book leaned a little too heavily on people just not talking to each other even when it made no real sense. A lot of questions that held the plot together could have easily been answered with one conversation, which didn’t happen until the last 50 pages because of… reasons? Also while it does feature a hot priest, it’s more a horror than traditional romance so… you know, keep that in mind. ...more
Patrick is distressed because Patrick’s best friend died and has left Patrick’s niece and nephew bereft which is a problem for Patrick because their fPatrick is distressed because Patrick’s best friend died and has left Patrick’s niece and nephew bereft which is a problem for Patrick because their father is Patrick’s brother and he needs to go to rehab for an opiate addiction so now Patrick has to take care of the kids for 90 days. Patrick is also mourning his dead boyfriend, which is kind of sad but we never actually learn anything about the guy except what he was to Patrick but that’s true for everyone in the book because Patrick, my friends, is a narcissist (that’s why I used his name so many times). His greatest foils are his sister, who fluctuates between concerned family member and Bond villain, and the unique experience of children asking you a billion questions because they’re little and don’t know anything. There is a romance subplot that serves no purpose and a rescue dog, who is a cute prop. I didn’t really like Patrick but I don’t think he particularly cares for himself so I guess we’re even. I like reading about grief, though, even if it’s selfish, and the children were charming enough to make up for their sort of pathetic uncle. 4/5, actors are exhausting....more
I don’t really know what to make of this one. On the one hand, it’s a fun book about old friends getting the band back together for one last show, andI don’t really know what to make of this one. On the one hand, it’s a fun book about old friends getting the band back together for one last show, and on the other hand it’s about people who don’t seem to like each other being stuck on a boat. We know that Micah left the band to pursue a solo career in kind of a shitty way but our only insight into her thought process is that she feels bad about it. John has always been in love with her (or at least her nipples, which are referenced no fewer than 30 times (I checked)) but we aren’t told why he just, like, never said anything, or why he keeps telling her the sun shines out of her ass when it objectively doesn’t. John and Micah do hook up but it sort of happens out of nowhere, which is weird considering they never once discussed a mutual attraction despite being having been friends forever? I can’t imagine casually suggesting that my childhood best friend and I bang while on a cruise but maybe I’m just a prude. There isn’t really much conflict except for one comic book villain who leaves halfway through and Micah’s warring arrogance and imposter syndrome. I dunno, by the end I was just like ???...more
Ina Garten wrote a whole book about how poor she was while also buying multiple properties and going on months-long trips to Europe, which is the kindIna Garten wrote a whole book about how poor she was while also buying multiple properties and going on months-long trips to Europe, which is the kind of poor I wouldn’t mind being. Also her husband is too nice so they almost got divorced.
If you can’t make your own childhood trauma born of physical abuse and emotional neglect, store bought is fine. ...more
So a warrior who is the son of a king and queen but also isn’t a prince (?) vows to avenge his parents’ brutal murders but when he finds the person reSo a warrior who is the son of a king and queen but also isn’t a prince (?) vows to avenge his parents’ brutal murders but when he finds the person responsible, it’s this frail lil’ thing with a bad attitude and moonstone eyes (if reading about her creepy opal peepers isn’t vibing with you, flee now because they are mentioned perhaps six thousand times). She’s like “I totally am partially to blame and I’m really sorry but we should get married” and he’s like “I mean okay” (who am I to question the reasoning of barbarian warrior kings?) and thus begins several hundred pages of a man furious at his peepee and fiancée (his fiancée is also furious but mostly at life in general and how much he threatens to rip out her tongue but, like, don’t worry he totally doesn’t). It drags in parts but he goes down on her a ton so I guess you win some and you lose some. If Herizon Zero Dawn didn’t have robots but did have the word “seed” seventy-five times, it might be this book. ...more
Okay so where we left off in The Inadequate Heir saw Zarrah in a tight spot and Keris being like LOOK I ALREADY SAID I DIDN’T WANT THIS but now he’s gOkay so where we left off in The Inadequate Heir saw Zarrah in a tight spot and Keris being like LOOK I ALREADY SAID I DIDN’T WANT THIS but now he’s got to get his girl out of Not-Azkaban, which is where roughly 2/3 of the book is set so if you’re a fan of island prisons and the people therein talking about ethical cannibalism, look no further. One could argue that both Zarrah and Keris have a bit of an identity crisis here (there’s an awful lot of “I guess he/she never loved me in the first place” which seems out of character considering how goopy they are for each other) but I suppose they’re both going through a lot without the benefit of therapy so whatever. Missing the unrelenting drama of Lara and Aren? Don’t worry, their soap opera-asses can’t stay away (said with affection). Being a fan of how unforgivably bitchy Ahnna is, I’m looking forward to the next installment and hope she’s mean to everyone in it....more
**spoiler alert** Part One: Prologue - Chapter 20 It’s been five minutes since the end of book 2 and Violet “I Can Fix Him” Sorrengail is brain-arguing**spoiler alert** Part One: Prologue - Chapter 20 It’s been five minutes since the end of book 2 and Violet “I Can Fix Him” Sorrengail is brain-arguing with her ancient teenage dragon. Andarna laments that she doesn’t know where she comes from, not dissimilarly to Gonzo’s plot in Muppets From Space. A bunch of stuff is discussed and despite having reread Iron Flame mere days before this book, I have absolutely no idea what the hell anyone is talking about. At one point Xaden is referred to as “His Grace” and my eyeballs melted out of my head. There is an Important Venin named Theophanie, a name so appallingly bad that I can’t even think of anything snarky to write that would be funnier than trying to say it out loud. Violet, who is stupid, insists that Xaden, who has Power Sucking Cooties, wouldn’t hurt a fly (Xaden disagrees). Then Xaden becomes a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and honestly y’all at this point I almost gave up, I really did. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if the fate of the world is in the hands of people in their early twenties, I’d rather just die.
Part Two: Chapter 21 - Chapter 38 If Xaden possesses a personality trait besides being hot and infected by Colin Robinson, I have yet to see it. The gang flies to somewhere, who cares, to find something, who knows. Everyone is impervious to any attack because of plot armor. Violet gets her dad’s books if she answers these riddles three and Mira is all “omg you can’t keep something specifically written for someone from that person especially if the writer died how could you” YEAH VIOLET CAN YOU IMAGINE DOING THAT TO SOMEONE? There is a sex scene that I straight up skipped because I couldn’t care less if these idiots bang. There is also an insane king who feeds guards to his cats and to be honest, I’m on his side. I guess Violet dated a prince at one point, which is a weird thing to leave out of a book written in first person, but whatever. It was at this point I looked up how many times the word “chest” is used and it’s 187. Violet does her best Aelin cosplay by threatening to kill Xaden’s siblings but it falls pretty flat because Violet is many things but she is not a fire-breathing bitch-queen.
Part Three: Chapter 39 – Chapter 66 Someone finally dies but it’s a character with 0 importance so who gives a shit. Andarna finds her family and they are understandably pissed at Violet for taking advantage of a literal child. Xaden is busy accepting that he will eventually give in and suck up all the magic and then kill everyone or whatever Venin do I don’t know I keep getting different information about what they are and how they work. Theophanie keeps being referred to as a silver-haired wyvern rider but we all know she ain’t the real one, the real one is off at the Wastes rebuilding her kingdom and having phantom-hand babies with a sexy rizz king. The Sorrengail orphans figure out that Daddy Sorrengail tried to dedicate Violet; no idea what “dedicating” means? You’re in good company! It’s never once been mentioned in either of the previous books. Mira gets not-Manon-napped and then dies and comes back because that’s how books work now. Violet kills the Maven with a piece of rock that her ex-boyfriend’s brother gave her. Xaden goes full Venin and marries Violet, who then doesn’t remember anything. In conclusion, I hated everything about this except — sorry everyone — Dain.