Bunny 's Reviews > Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson

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Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir
by

Jenny Lawson (Goodreads Author)

Bunny 's review

Oct 27, 2015

it was amazing

bookshelves: audio-book, gift, owned, read-in-15

I cannot even begin to tell you how mother.fucking. hilarious this book is.

Legitimately. I bookmarked and wrote down so many jokes out of this book. If I'd had the hard cover, rather than the audiobook, this book would be nothing but bright yellow pages of highlighter.

I wrote down so much shit, because I was going to reference all of it in this review. And at this point, it would be wasted because IT IS THE ENTIRE BOOK.

A few tidbits from my handwritten notes, to wet your whistle (whatever that means):

* People who've been inside my vagina don't recognize me.
* Raccoons smell like one night stands.
* Raccoon carcass on the pillow caressing her father's cheek-HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING (yes, my review notes occasionally say weird shit like 'hysterically laughing')
* Jenny doing Acid - "Is this a Thundercat?"
* Smurfs are bisexual communists.
* Sex concussion - Fucking dying.
* Victor and the "dead" 5ft rattle snake.
* Helpful post-its to her husband
* How is the ex-lax chapter so funny?
* Chupacabra! Chalupa!
* The exhumation and reburying of Barnaby Jones Pickles
* Giant metal chicken
* Balls
* "Drink everytime she says vagina" VAGIIIIINAA!!! (That is an accurate verbatim of what I wrote in my notes)
* DJ Vagina

If reading this list does not make you want to immediately run out and get this book, there is no hope for you, and also you are a robot.

Also, get the audiobook version because Jenny herself reads it and a) she's awesome, b) she's older than me and sounds 20 and I kind of hate her, and c) she's got that amazing subtle southern accent like Reese Witherspoon in any movie where she's not supposed to be southern and I love it.

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Quotes Bunny Liked

“It's true, I did say I wanted girlfriends," I capitulated hesitantly, "but couldn't we start with something smaller and less terrifying? Like maybe spend a weekend at a crack house? I heard those people are very nonjudgmental, and if you accidentally say something offensive you can just blame it on their hallucinations.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

tags: anxiety, friends, girlfriends

65 likes

“If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina’s mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I’d be helpless. And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mug shot.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

tags: vagina

52 likes

“No," I replied testily. "I'm pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

tags: english, grammar-humor, humor, language

21 likes

“High School Is Life’s Way of Giving You a Record Low to Judge the Rest of Your Life By.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

28 likes

“But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

41 likes

“Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax. In fact, I should probably charge money to all the normal people to simply not go to your social functions and ruin them”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

23 likes

“There are few advantages to growing up poor, and not having money for therapy is the biggest.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

12 likes

“Pretty much everyone hates high school. It's a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I've tried to block out the memory of my high school years, but no matter how hard you try, it's always with you, like an unwanted hitchhiker. Or herpes. I assume...”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

tags: high-school

30 likes

“And don’t bother to deny it, because you just read it, so you have to be thinking about it. This is the way books work. Also? Velociraptors. Ha! I just made you think about velociraptors. Awesome. This is probably why Stephen King writes so many books. I am totally controlling your mind right now.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

13 likes

“Oh, and another time he gave me a sex concussion. I can’t really go into the details, because my mother will probably read this, but basically he had a bunk bed in his dorm room (because he’s an only child and only children are obsessed with bunk beds for some reason), so we were on the bottom bunk and I tossed back my hair in what I envisioned would be a total porn-star move, except the wooden beam of the bunk bed above us was too low, and so I violently head-butted the wood plank and totally knocked myself out, which is pretty much the least sexy thing you could ever possibly do. Like, if I also lost control of my bowels that would be worse, but not by much. Then when I’d recovered, Victor was all, “Sex concussion, motherfucker!” like it was something to be proud of. Basically it was like autoerotic asphyxiation, except instead of being choked you get whacked in the head with a two-by-four. And instead of having an orgasm you lose all muscle control and pee on yourself. Which I totally did not do because that would be disgusting. I hardly ever pee on myself.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

8 likes

“Hey, Grandlibby?” I asked. “What’s a ‘turn-on’?” She paled visibly, looking mildly ill. “Well,” she said…struggling for words, “it’s…um…the things that make you happy, I suppose?” I turned to my cousin. “My turn-ons are Rainbow Brite and unicorns.” Michelle smiled back, her two front teeth missing. “My turn-ons are Monchhichis. And Tubble Gum.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

7 likes

“I blame whoever makes spice out of Mace, and I reminded my gasping dinner guests that even if I did Mace them, I did it in an old-fashioned, homemade, Martha Stewart sort of way. With love.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

5 likes