MODULE 9: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Lecturette: BASIC DEFINITION

Reading: WHAT DO WE MEAN BY PERSONAL
● Relationship RELATIONSHIPS?
- relation between people ➔ the concept of relationship is broad &
- state of connectedness between complex
people (especially emotional ➔ Personal relationship refers to close
connection) connections between people, formed by
● Personal Relationships emotional bonds and interactions.
- relationships between people ➔ relationships are not static; they are
(especially friends, lovers & family continually evolving and to fully enjoy,
members benefit from them, we need skills,
● Love information, inspiration, practice and
- strong affection for another arising social support.
out of kinship or personalities
(maternal love for a child)
- attraction based on sexual desire:
affection and tenderness felt by lovers 3 KINDS OF PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
- affection based on admiration,
1) Family
benevolence, or common interests
(love for his old schoolmates) ➔ The Bureau of the Census defines a
● Commitment family as "two or more persons who
- act of binding yourself (intellectually are related by birth, marriage, or
or emotionally) to a course of action adoption and who live together as
- message that makes pledge one household."
● Attraction ➔ Some typical characteristics of a
- act, power, or property of attracting family are support, mutual trust,
- attractive quality; magnetic charm; regular interactions, shared beliefs
fascination; allurement; enticement and values, security, and sense of
- person or thing that draws, attracts, community.
allures, or entices ➔ Although the concept of "family" is
● Responsibility one of the oldest in human nature, its
- social force that binds you to the definition has evolved considerably in
courses of action demanded by that the past three decades.
force Non-traditional family
- form of trustworthiness; the trait of structures and roles can provide as
being answerable to someone for much comfort and support as
something or being responsible for traditional forms.
one’s conduct
 2) Friends
➔ Friendship- close tie between two Reading: WHY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE
people that is often built upon mutual IMPORTANT?
experiences, shared interests, ➔ Healthy relationships are a vital component
proximity, and emotional bonding. of health and well being. Conversely, the
➔ Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, health risks from being alone or isolated in
social-network researchers and one's life are comparable to the risks
authors of the book Connected, find associated with cigarette smoking, blood
that the “average person has about six pressure, and obesity.
close ties—though some have more,
and many have only one or none.” Healthy Relationships Benefits:
➔ Note that online friends don’t count • Live longer
toward close ties—research indicates ➔ people with strong social relationships are
that a large online network isn’t 50% less likely to die prematurely.
nearly as powerful as having a few ➔ Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones research calculates
close, real-life friends. that committing to a life partner can add 3
years to life expectancy
3) Partnerships ➔ Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler have
➔ Romantic partnerships- close found that men’s life expectancy benefits
relationships formed between two from marriage more than women’s do.
people that are built upon affection, • Deal with stress
trust, intimacy, and romantic love. ➔ the support offered by a caring friend can
provide a buffer against the effects of stress.
Reading: A RESEARCH STUDY ON RELATIONSHIPS ➔ researchers found that people who
➔ A sample of 1,110 adolescents assessed completed a stressful task experienced a
nine aspects of their relationships with faster recovery when they were reminded of
their mother, father, best same-sex friend, people with whom they had strong
most important sibling, and most relationships.
important teacher. • Be healthier
➔ These aspects were admiration, affection, ➔ Research by psychologist Sheldon Cohen,
companionship, conflict, instrumental aid, college students who reported having strong
intimacy, nurturance, reliable alliance, and relationships were half as likely to catch a
satisfaction with the relationship. common cold when exposed to the virus.
➔ Early (11-13 years old) gave higher ratings ➔ 2012 International Gallup Poll found that
than did Middle adolescents (14-16 years people who feel they have friends and family
old) and Late adolescents (17-19 years old). to count on are generally more satisfied with
their personal health than people who feel
isolated.
 ➔ In the book Connected, Christakis and Fowler Reading: 25 MOST COMMON RELATIONSHIP
show that non-obese people are more likely PROBLEMS
to have non-obese friends because healthy 1. Affairs / Infidelity / Cheating
habits spread through our social networks. - includes emotional infidelity, one-night
• Feel richer stands, internet relationships (sexting), long
➔ Survey by the National Bureau of Economic and short-term affairs and financial infidelity
Research found that doubling your group of 2. Sexual Issues
friends has the same effect on your wellbeing - particularly loss of libido and including
as a 50% increase in income. questions around your gender, or your
partner's gender
Healthy Relationships Consequences: 3. Significant Differences in Core Values and Beliefs
• Depression 4. Life Stages
➔ Loneliness has long been commonly - you have ‘outgrown’ each other or have
associated with depression ‘changed’ significantly for whatever reason
➔ a 2012 study of breast cancer patients found 5. Traumatic and/or Life-Changing Events
that those with fewer satisfying social 6. Responses to Prolonged Periods of Stress
connections experienced higher levels of - such as work-related stress, long-term illness,
depression, pain, and fatigue. mental health issues, financial problems,
• Decreased immune function problems with the children, infertility,
➔ the authors of the same study also found a 7. Bored in or with Your Relationship
correlation between loneliness and immune 8. Dealing with a Jealous Partner
system dysregulation, meaning that a lack of 9. Having 'blended' Family Issues
social connections can increase your chances 10. Domestic Violence
of becoming sick. - which includes verbal as well as physical
• Higher blood pressure abuse
➔ University of Chicago researchers found that - the most serious relationship problem.
loneliness could predict higher blood 11. Knowing you should not have got married in the
pressure even years later, indicating that the first place
effects of isolation have long-lasting 12. Lack of Responsibility
consequences. - regarding finances, children, health and many
According to psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and other issues
Richard Schwartz, social alienation is an inevitable 13. Unrealistic Expectations
result of contemporary society's preoccupation with - still thinking your partner / spouse is the
materialism and frantic "busy-ness." The research is princess / knight and not seeing the 'real'
clear and devastating: isolation is fatal. human being
14. Addictions
- substance abuse
15. Excessive reliance on Social Media at the cost of
the relationship
16. Lack of Support during particularly difficult times letting little grievances go, spending time
from people that matter to you together, and expressing love and
17. Manipulation or Over-Involvement in your compassion to one.
relationships with family or friends ➔ same practices apply to close friends as well.
18. Lack of Communication about important matters
19. Poor division or one-sided lack of responsibility ● Practice gratitude
for chores and tasks. ➔ Gratitude is one of the most accessible
- It is not always women who complain about positive emotions, and its effects can
this relationship problem. strengthen friendships and intimate
20. Perceived Lack of Concern, Care, Consideration relationships.
& Attentiveness: ➔ 2010 study found that expressing gratitude
- Feeling the relationship is one-sided is a big toward a partner can strengthen the
one! relationship, and this positive boost is felt by
21. Significant personal disappointments and both parties—the one who expresses
traumas that lead to a change in gratitude and the one who receives it.
relationship dynamics
22. Long term depression or other mental health ● Learn to forgive
issues suffered by one partner or both ➔ It’s normal for disagreements or betrayal to
23. Significant differences in opinion on how to arise in relationships, but your choice about
discipline / deal with the children how to handle the hurt can have a powerful
24. Long-term stress effect on the healing process.
- particularly when not taking responsibility for ➔ Fred Luskin, head of the Stanford Forgiveness
doing something positive to address the Project, says it’s easier to let go of the anger
cause, or about learning to handle it if it or hurt feelings associated with a
cannot be changed circumstance if you remind yourself that
25. An unsupportive partner during pregnancy much of your distress is really coming from
and/or significant problems after the the thoughts and feelings you are having right
birth your baby. now while remembering the event—not the
event itself.
Reading: NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
● Connect with your family ● Be compassionate
➔ One of the biggest challenges for families is ➔ Compassion is the willingness to be open to
to stay connected is the busy pace of life. yourself and others, even in painful times,
➔ Blue Zones research states that the with a gentle, nonjudgmental attitude.
healthiest, longest-living people in the world ➔ When you feel compassionate toward
all have something in common: they put their another person, whether a romantic partner,
families first. friend, relative, or colleague—you open the
➔ Relationships and family author Mimi Doe gates for better communication and a
recommends connecting with family by stronger bond. This doesn’t mean taking on
 the suffering of others, or absorbing their
emotions. Rather, compassion is the practice
of recognizing when someone else is Reading: 10 RULES FOR FINDING LOVE AND
unhappy or whose needs aren’t being met CREATING LONG-LASTING AUTHENTIC
and feeling motivated to help them. We are RELATIONSHIPS
an imitative species: when compassion is 1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
shown to us, we return it. - your relationship with yourself is the central
template from which all others are
● Accept others formed.
➔ It is important to be accepting of the other 2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE
person in the relationship. 3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS
➔ try to understand where the person is coming - moving from “I” to “we” requires a shift in
from rather than judge them. As you do for perspective and energy and being an
yourself, have a realistic acceptance of the authentic couple is an evolution.
other's strengths and weaknesses and 4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES
remember that change occurs over time. TO GROW
- your relationship will serve as an unofficial
● Create rituals together “lifeshop” in which you will learn about
➔ In order to nurture the closeness and support yourself and how you can grow on your
of friendships, you have to make an effort to personal path.
connect. 5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL
➔ Gallup researcher Tom Rath has found that 6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED
people who deliberately make time for - there will be times when you and your
gatherings or trips enjoy stronger partner must work through impasses and if
relationships and more positive energy. An you do this consciously and with respect, you
easy way to do this is to create a standing will learn to create win-win outcomes.
ritual that you can share and that doesn’t 7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE
create more stress. CHALLENGED BY CHANGE
8. YOU MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP
● Spend the right amount of time together FOR IT TO THRIVE
➔ Gallup researchers Jim Harter and Raksha 9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY
Arora found that people who spend 6-7 hours - happily ever after means the ability to keep
per day socializing tend to be the happiest. the relationship fresh and vital.
➔ In contrast, those who have zero interactions 10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE
(or an exhausting overload of social time) feel MOMENT YOU FALL IN LOVE
more stressed. - you know all these rules inherently and the
challenge is to remember them when you fall
under the enchanting spell of love.
Reading: KEEPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS worthwhile, or trying to control who
you see or where you go).
Good relationships are fun and make you
feel good about yourself. The relationships Remember, you deserve healthy, happy
that you make in your youth years will be a relationships. Abuse of any type is
special part of your life and will teach you never okay.
some of the most important lessons about
who you are. Truly good relationships take ABUSE AND ASSAULT
time and energy to develop. All relationships Love should never hurt. But sometimes it
should be based on respect and honesty. does:
● 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be
In a healthy relationship, both partners: sexually assaulted in their lifetime
● Are treated with kindness and respect ● 1.5 million women are sexually
● Are honest with each other assaulted or otherwise physically
● Like to spend time together abused by their partners each year.
● Take an interest in things that are ● Over 800,000 males are sexually or
important to each other physically abused by partners.
● Respect one another’s emotional, ● Abuse can occur in any type of
physical and sexual limits relationship gay and straight, casual
● Can speak honestly about their and long-term, young and old.
feelings ● Anyone can be abused, boys and girls,
men and women, gay or straight,
Love should never hurt young and old – and anyone can
➔ 10% of high school students say they become an abuser.
have suffered violence from someone
they date. The problem is with the abuser,
➔ This includes physical abuse where though, not you. It’s not your fault!
someone causes physical pain or
injury to another person (hitting, Break the Silence: Stop the Violence
slapping, or kicking). ➔ 1 out of every 11 teens reports
➔ Sexual abuse is also a type of violence, being hit or physically hurt by
and involves any kind of unwanted a boyfriend or girlfriend in the
sexual advance (everything from past twelve months.
unwelcome sexual comments to ➔ In "Break The Silence: Stop the
kissing to intercourse). Violence," parents talk with
➔ Emotional abuse is anything that teens about developing
harms your self-esteem or causes healthy, respectful
shame (saying things that hurt your relationships before they start
feelings, make you feel that you aren’t dating.
 MAKING THE DECISION: DECIDING
HOW TO COMMUNICATE? WHETHER OR NOT TO HAVE SEX
● Talking openly makes relationships
more fun and satisfying; especially Don’t be afraid to say "no" if that’s how you
when you both talk about each feel. Having sex for the first time can be a
other’s needs for physical, emotional, huge emotional event. There are many
mental and sexual health. questions and feelings that you may want to
● In a romantic relationship, it is sort out before you actually get "in the heat
important to communicate openly on of the moment." Ask yourself:
issues of sex and sexual health. ● Am I really ready to have sex?
● You always have the right to say "no" ● How am I going to feel after I having
at any time to anything that you don't sex?
feel comfortable with. Remember, ● Am I doing this for the right reasons?
there are many ways to express love ● How do I plan to protect myself/my
without sex. partner from sexually transmitted
infections or pregnancy?
So what's to talk about? ● How am I going to feel about my
➔ Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) partner afterwards?
- This is actually an issue that all
teenagers and adults must be aware The best way to prepare for the decision to
of. Anybody who engages in sexual have sex is to become comfortable with
activity is prone to have this one. communicating about your needs. If you
➔ Possibility of Pregnancy don’t feel right about something, say so! Pay
- Females who engage in sex have a attention to your feelings, and don’t let
high percentage of putting themselves anyone make you feel guilty for making
in this kind of situation. decisions that are right for you.
➔ Right time for sex
- You can consider your current status There are also ways to feel physically close
as a student if it is really high time to without having sex. These include everything
be involved in this kind of activity. Will from kissing and hugging to touching each
this make or break your future? other. Just remember that if you're not
➔ Boundaries careful these activities can lead to sex. Plan
- Making the decision to set your beforehand just how far you want to go, and
limits in a relationship shows youR stick to your limits. It can be difficult to say
maturity to assert your priorities and "No" and mean it when things get hot and
respect yourself. heavy.
 TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS
➔ 83% of kids your age are afraid to ask their How to avoid peer or date pressure?
parents about sex, yet 51% of teens actually ● Hang out with friends who also
do. believe that it's OK to not be ready for
➔ The truth is that most parents want to help sex yet.
their kids make smart decisions about sex. ● Go out with a group of friends rather
They know it's vital for teens to have accurate than only your date.
information and sound advice to aid the ● Introduce your friends to your
decision-making process. parents.
➔ Many parents think that if they acknowledge ● Invite your friends to your home.
their child as a sexual being, their son or ● Stick up for your friends if they are
daughter will think it's okay to go ahead and being pressured to have sex.
have sex. They might also be afraid that if ● Think of what you would say in
they don't have all the answers, they'll look advance in case someone tries to
foolish. Some parents have said they're afraid pressure you.
kids will ask personal questions about their ● Always carry money for a telephone
sex life, questions they won't want to answer. call or cab in case you feel
➔ Your friends really don't know any more than uncomfortable.
you do, no matter what they say ● Be ready to call your mom, dad or a
about their sexual experience. The Internet, friend to pick you up if you need to
and other media, can't give you everything leave a date.
you need. Only people who know you can do ● Never feel obligated to "pay someone
that. back" with sex in return for a date or
gift.
● Say "no" and mean "no" if that's how
Peer pressure is always tough to deal with,
you feel.
especially when it comes to sex. Some teenagers
decide to have sexual relationships because their
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
friends think sex is cool. Others feel pressured by
● In a survey of people ages 15-24 by
the person they are dating. Some teenagers get
the Kaiser Family Foundation, 9 out
caught up in romantic feelings and believe having
of 10 people surveyed reported that their
sex is the best way they can prove their love.
peers use alcohol or illegal drugs before
sex at least some of the time.
Knowing how you feel about yourself is the first
● 7 out of 10 also reported that
big step in handling peer pressure. It's OK to want
condoms are not always used when
to enjoy your teen years and all the fun times that
alcohol and drugs are involved.
can be had. It's OK to respect yourself enough to
● 29% of those teens and young adults
say, "No, I'm not ready to have sex."
surveyed said that they've "done
more" sexually while under the
 influence of drugs or alcohol than
they normally would have when
sober.

While you're under the influence of drugs

or alcohol it is easy to make a decision you'll
regret later--decisions that can lead to a
sexually transmitted infection or an
unwanted pregnancy. Even worse, there are
some people who will use the effects of
alcohol and other drugs to force you into
having sex with them.

Reading: BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

• The right to emotional support.
• The right to be heard by the other and to
respond.
• The right to have your own point of view,
even if this differs from your partner's.
• The right to have your feelings and
experiences acknowledged as real.
• The right to live free from accusation and
blame.
• The right to live free from criticism and
judgment.
• The right to live free from emotional and
physical threat.
• The right to live free from angry outbursts
and rage.
• The right to be respectfully asked, rather
than ordered.

In addition, consider how you can develop:

- Patience
- Honesty - over time, this builds trust
- Kindness- note that being kind does
not necessarily mean being nice
- Respect - a cornerstone of all healthy
relationships.