the Dance of Conflict
Every choice we make sends out ripples, even if we're not consciously choosing. So the choice we have is not whether, but only how, we change the world. -- Frances Moore Lapp ********* When a person can't hear or see you as you really are, can you still communicate with compassion? What if you're the only one interested in resolving the conflict? I receive questions like this every day. What if I'm the only one trying? What if the other person doesn't care? Won't meet me half way? What do I do then? The belief that everyone in the conflict has to have similar intentions to resolve it often stops any one from beginning. In The Magic of Conflict, Tom Crum speaks of a conflict myth that says: It takes both sides to resolve a conflict - meaning that if my partner isn't centered and willing to understand my point of view, it doesn't matter how hard I try. Nothing will come of it. What if it only takes one person to change the dance? In an ongoing argument with a coworker about how to complete a project, a workshop participant, Janice, recognized that emotions were high. She suggested they take a moment to consider what it was they were trying to accomplish and asked: What would make this work for you? What do you need from my team? The coworker said she'd like her opinions to be at least acknowledged. She felt ignored and dismissed. Janice was surprised to hear this, but appreciative. She thought she'd been listening but, clearly, her coworker didn't. So Janice paraphrased what she thought they were going for, including her coworker's hopes and concerns. A more collaborative environment emerged, and they were able to refocus on mutual problem solving. Janice's willingness to step away from the conflict and re-evaluate goals relieved the pressure on both sides. In Aikido terms, instead of continuing to confront, she stepped aside and engaged her colleague's upset energy. Her move initiated a different conversation. She changed the verbal dance they were doing. And it only took one to begin. Having said that, conflicts exist in which our partner seems unable to hear or understand us,
Learning Minds! Group 2011
regardless of best efforts. Conflicts of purpose, vision, or values, for example, can keep us stuck in anger and frustration for years. How do we raise our children? What is more important - profit or service? How important is art in community life? Why does this partnership feel unequal? We wish the other could see and accept our view. But values rarely change. Our conflict partner argues back, refuses to acknowledge we even have a point of view, or they don't engage at all. The harder we try, the more frustrated and judgmental we become. When this happens, we still have choices. In his new book, Mojo, Marshall Goldsmith says that in any conflict we have two options: to change It or change You. Aikido is all about changing You. When the conflict persists: Accept what is. They cannot or will not change. Disengage. Stop pushing. Lower the heat on the pressure cooker. The key is really letting go. You can't pretend. Adopt a learning stance. Look at things as if you were standing side by side. Momentarily identify with them. Don't just stand in their shoes. Step inside their body. It's a powerful move and, oddly, fun. Develop a backup plan. Find alternative ways to get your need met. Write a letter. (You can decide later whether to send it.) Write it the old fashioned way, with pen and paper. Putting your thoughts down will lessen your frustration and clarify what's really important. When You change, the conflict often resolves. You may unexpectedly receive a letter, a phone call, or a request to talk again. Don't be surprised. When you stop pushing, your partner feels the energy shift. They can let go of their position because they no longer have to hold onto it. In general, when conflict feels intractable, stop trying to change It, and change You. Give up your idea of what should be and accept what is. You will stop feeling like a victim and regain the only power you have. It takes true power and a strong center. But you will find that when you change, everything changes. by: Judy Ringer
Learning Minds! Group 2011
