Published by Smith and Kraus, Inc.

177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755

www.SmithandKraus.com

© 2006 by Smith and Kraus, Inc.

The Best All rights reserved

Manufactured in the United States of America

Women’s Stage Monologues

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that the plays r
sented in this book are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected unde
of 2006
copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covere
the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the
of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-Ame
Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all c
tries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All ri
including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public
ing, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms o
chanical or electronic reproductions such as information storage and retr
systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign langua
are strictly reserved. Pages 107–113 constitute an extension of this copyright p

First Edition: November 2006

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover illustration: Wardrobe by Lisa Goldfinger

Design and production by Julia Hill Gignoux

The Monologue Audition Series

ISSN 1067-134X
ISBN 1-57525-555-3

NOTE: These monologues are intended to be used for audition and

study; permission is not required to use the material for those purposes. H
ever, if there is a paid performance of any of the monologues include
this book, please refer to the Rights and Permissions pages 107–113 t
cate the source that can grant permission for public performance.
 Smith and Kraus Books for Actors
MONOLOGUE AUDITION SERIES
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2005
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2004

The Best
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2003
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2002
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2001

Women’s Stage Monologues

The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2000
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1999
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1998

of 2006
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1997
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1996
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1995
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1994
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1993
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1992
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1991
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1990
One Hundred Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues from the 1980s
edited by D. L. Lepidus
2 Minutes and Under: Character Monologues for Actors Volumes I, II, and III
Monologues from Contemporary Literature: Volume I
Monologues from Classic Plays 468 BC to 1960 AD
100 Great Monologues from the Renaissance Theatre
100 Great Monologues from the Neo-Classical Theatre
100 Great Monologues from the 19th Century Romantic and Realistic Theatres
The Ultimate Audition Series Volume I: 222 Monologues, 2 Minutes & Under
The Ultimate Audition Series Volume II: 222 Monologues, 2 Minutes & Under
from Literature AUDITION SERIES
MONOLOGUE
YOUNG ACTOR MONOLOGUE SERIES
Cool Characters for Kids: 71 One-Minute Monologues
Great Scenes and Monologues for Children, Volumes I and II
Great Monologues for Young Actors, Volumes I and II
Short Scenes and Monologues for Middle School Actors
Multicultural Monologues for Young Actors
The Ultimate Audition Series for Middle School Actors Vol.I: 111 One-Minute
Monologues
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. I: 111 One-Minute Monologues
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. II: 111 One-Minute Monologues
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. III: 111 One-Minute Monologues
A SThe
M IUltimate
T H AAudition
N D Series
K R AforUTeens
S BVol.
O IV:
OK 111 One-Minute Monologues
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. V: 111 One-Minute Monologues
from Shakespeare
Wild and Wacky Characters for Kids: 60 One-Minute Monologues

If you require prepublication information about upcoming Smith and Kraus books,
you may receive our semiannual catalogue, free of charge, by sending your name
and address to Smith and Kraus Catalogue, PO Box 127, Lyme, NH 03768. Call
us toll-free (888) 282-2881 or visit us at www.smithandkraus.com.
 Smith and Kraus Books for Actors
MONOLOGUE AUDITION SERIES
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2005
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2004

The Best
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2003
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2002
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2001

Women’s Stage Monologues

The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 2000
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1999
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1998

of 2006
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1997
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1996
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1995
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1994
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1993
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1992
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1991
The Best Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues of 1990
One Hundred Men’s / Women’s Stage Monologues from the 1980s
edited by D. L. Lepidus
2 Minutes and Under: Character Monologues for Actors Volumes I, II, an
Monologues from Contemporary Literature: Volume I
Monologues from Classic Plays 468 BC to 1960 AD
100 Great Monologues from the Renaissance Theatre
100 Great Monologues from the Neo-Classical Theatre
100 Great Monologues from the 19th Century Romantic and Realistic Thea
The Ultimate Audition Series Volume I: 222 Monologues, 2 Minutes & U
The Ultimate Audition Series Volume II: 222 Monologues, 2 Minutes & U
from Literature AUDITION SERIES
MONOLOGUE
YOUNG ACTOR MONOLOGUE SERIES
Cool Characters for Kids: 71 One-Minute Monologues
Great Scenes and Monologues for Children, Volumes I and II
Great Monologues for Young Actors, Volumes I and II
Short Scenes and Monologues for Middle School Actors
Multicultural Monologues for Young Actors
The Ultimate Audition Series for Middle School Actors Vol.I: 111 One-M
Monologues
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. I: 111 One-Minute Monologu
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. II: 111 One-Minute Monolog
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. III: 111 One-Minute Monolog
A SThe
M IUltimate
T H AAudition
N D Series
K R AforUTeens
S BVol.
O IV:
OK 111 One-Minute Monolog
The Ultimate Audition Series for Teens Vol. V: 111 One-Minute Monolog
from Shakespeare
Wild and Wacky Characters for Kids: 60 One-Minute Monologues

If you require prepublication information about upcoming Smith and Kraus b

you may receive our semiannual catalogue, free of charge, by sending your
and address to Smith and Kraus Catalogue, PO Box 127, Lyme, NH 03768
us toll-free (888) 282-2881 or visit us at www.smithandkraus.com.
 Published by Smith and Kraus, Inc.
177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755
www.SmithandKraus.com

© 2006 by Smith and Kraus, Inc.

The Best All rights reserved

Manufactured in the United States of America

Women’s Stage Monologues

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that the plays repre-
sented in this book are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected under the
of 2006
copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by
the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest
of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American
Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all coun-
tries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights,
including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public read-
ing, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of me-
chanical or electronic reproductions such as information storage and retrieval
systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages,
are strictly reserved. Pages 107–113 constitute an extension of this copyright page.

First Edition: November 2006

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover illustration: Wardrobe by Lisa Goldfinger

Design and production by Julia Hill Gignoux

The Monologue Audition Series

ISSN 1067-134X
ISBN-10: 1-57525-555-3
ISBN 1-57525-555-3
ISBN-13: 978-1-57525-555-2

NOTE: These monologues are intended to be used for audition and class
study; permission is not required to use the material for those purposes. How-
ever, if there is a paid performance of any of the monologues included in
this book, please refer to the Rights and Permissions pages 107–113 to lo-
cate the source that can grant permission for public performance.
CONTENTS

FOREWORD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii

ACT A LADY (2), Jordan Harrison . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

ALL IN LITTLE PIECES, John Yearley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
ARE WE THERE YET?, Garth Wingfield . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
THE AUDITIONERS (2), Doug Rand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
BODY TALK (2), Tanya Palmer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
BOY ON BLACK TOP ROAD, Dale Wasserman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
THE DEAR BOY, Dan O’Brien . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
DEAR KENNETH BLAKE, Jacquelyn Reingold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
FIDDLE AND FADDLE (2), Tom Gliatto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
FUGITIVE PIECES, Caridad Svich . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
HALF-LIFE, Katy Darby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
HELEN’S MOST FAVORITE DAY, Mark Dunn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
HOW I GOT THAT PART (4), Richard Pridham . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
IDA LUPINO IN THE DARK, Don Nigro . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
IN THE CONTINUUM (4), Danai Gurira and Nikkole Salter . . . . . . 38
JIMMY CARTER WAS A DEMOCRAT, Rinne Groff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
MEDEA (3), Joseph Goodrich . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
NEVER TELL, James Christy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56
99 HISTORIES (2), Julia Cho . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
PARADISE, Glyn O’Malley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
POODLE WITH GUITAR AND DARK GLASSES (3), Liz Duffy Adams . 63
QUEEN MILLI OF GALT, Gary Kirkham . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
ROMEO TO GO, Jonathan Rand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
SARAH, SARAH, Daniel Goldfarb . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
THE SCENE (3), Theresa Rebeck . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
SCRAMBLED EGGS, Robin Amos Kahn and Gary Richards . . . . . . . 79
SEZ SHE (4), Jane Martin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
SHAKESPEARE IN HOLLYWOOD, Ken Ludwig . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86
SHOW PEOPLE (2), Paul Weitz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
SIN (A CARDINAL DEPOSED), Michael Murphy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
OREWORD
ST. SCARLET, Julia Jordan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
TATJANA IN COLOR, Julia Jordan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94
THE THEODORE ROOSEVELT ROTUNDA, Jennifer Camp . . . . . . . . . 96
THOSE WHO CAN, DO, Brighde Mullins . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
hese pages, you will find sixty terrific monologues, all from recently
WATERBORN, Edith L. Freni . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
ished plays. Included on the Rights and Permissions pages is infor-
WHAT ANDY WARHOL NEVER TOLD ME (2), Robert Pridham . . . . 99
on as to who published each play, so if you like a piece in this book,
WILD TURKEYS, Don Nigro . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
ntire text will be easy to track down. Although there are some won-
ul monologues for women “of a certain age,” most of the pieces in
RIGHTS AND PERMISSIONS (includes publisher information) . . . . . 107
book are appropriate for acting students in their twenties or early thir-
There are, however, some fine monologues here for high and middle
olers. Something for everyone from Smith and Kraus!
Here, you will find monologues from plays by the finest contempo-
playwrights, such as Theresa Rebeck, Ken Ludwig, Don Nigro and
Weitz, who have achieved considerable success in the theater, and work
exciting newcomers such as Danai Gurira, Nikkole Salter, Jonathan
d, Doug Rand, Robert Pridham, and Joseph Goodrich, in a variety
yles.
I was chastised last year, in a generally favorable review of the 2005
ologue books, for not including enough comic pieces — so with con-
able effort I have found several for this year’s books. Why “with con-
able effort”? you might well ask. Well, because published plays tend
ome from America’s nonprofit theaters, where (it seems) everything
o be dark and disturbing and oh-so-terribly “cutting-edge.” I hope
will find enough comic monologues in this book to suit your needs;
f you need to keep looking I highly recommend one of Smith and
us’ recent publications, The Ultimate Monologue Book, Volume IV: 222
edy Monologues 2 Minutes & Under, edited by John Capecci and Irene
ler Aston, a wonderful selection of contemporary and classical pieces.
I have had the honor of editing Smith and Kraus’ annual Best
ologues series since 2001. I think this year’s edition is the best yet; but
mately, that’s for you to say.
— D. L. Lepidus

vii
FOREWORD
ST. SCARLET, Julia Jordan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
TATJANA IN COLOR, Julia Jordan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
THE THEODORE ROOSEVELT ROTUNDA, Jennifer Camp . . . . . . . . .
THOSE WHO CAN, DO, Brighde Mullins . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
In these pages, you will find sixty terrific monologues, all from recently
WATERBORN, Edith L. Freni . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
published plays. Included on the Rights and Permissions pages is infor-
WHAT ANDY WARHOL NEVER TOLD ME (2), Robert Pridham . . . .
mation as to who published each play, so if you like a piece in this book,
WILD TURKEYS, Don Nigro . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
the entire text will be easy to track down. Although there are some won-
derful monologues for women “of a certain age,” most of the pieces in
RIGHTS AND PERMISSIONS (includes publisher information) . . . . . 1
this book are appropriate for acting students in their twenties or early thir-
ties. There are, however, some fine monologues here for high and middle
schoolers. Something for everyone from Smith and Kraus!
Here, you will find monologues from plays by the finest contempo-
rary playwrights, such as Theresa Rebeck, Ken Ludwig, Don Nigro and
Paul Weitz, who have achieved considerable success in the theater, and work
from exciting newcomers such as Danai Gurira, Nikkole Salter, Jonathan
Rand, Doug Rand, Robert Pridham, and Joseph Goodrich, in a variety
of styles.
I was chastised last year, in a generally favorable review of the 2005
monologue books, for not including enough comic pieces — so with con-
siderable effort I have found several for this year’s books. Why “with con-
siderable effort”? you might well ask. Well, because published plays tend
to come from America’s nonprofit theaters, where (it seems) everything
has to be dark and disturbing and oh-so-terribly “cutting-edge.” I hope
you will find enough comic monologues in this book to suit your needs;
but if you need to keep looking I highly recommend one of Smith and
Kraus’ recent publications, The Ultimate Monologue Book, Volume IV: 222
Comedy Monologues 2 Minutes & Under, edited by John Capecci and Irene
Ziegler Aston, a wonderful selection of contemporary and classical pieces.
I have had the honor of editing Smith and Kraus’ annual Best
Monologues series since 2001. I think this year’s edition is the best yet; but
ultimately, that’s for you to say.
— D. L. Lepidus

vii
ONTENTS

EWORD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii

A LADY (2), Jordan Harrison . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

IN LITTLE PIECES, John Yearley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
WE THERE YET?, Garth Wingfield . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
AUDITIONERS (2), Doug Rand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Y TALK (2), Tanya Palmer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
ON BLACK TOP ROAD, Dale Wasserman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
DEAR BOY, Dan O’Brien . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
R KENNETH BLAKE, Jacquelyn Reingold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
DLE AND FADDLE (2), Tom Gliatto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
ITIVE PIECES, Caridad Svich . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
F-LIFE, Katy Darby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
EN’S MOST FAVORITE DAY, Mark Dunn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
W I GOT THAT PART (4), Richard Pridham . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
LUPINO IN THE DARK, Don Nigro . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
HE CONTINUUM (4), Danai Gurira and Nikkole Salter . . . . . . 38
MY CARTER WAS A DEMOCRAT, Rinne Groff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
DEA (3), Joseph Goodrich . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
ER TELL, James Christy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56
HISTORIES (2), Julia Cho . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
ADISE, Glyn O’Malley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
DLE WITH GUITAR AND DARK GLASSES (3), Liz Duffy Adams . 63
EN MILLI OF GALT, Gary Kirkham . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
EO TO GO, Jonathan Rand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
AH, SARAH, Daniel Goldfarb . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
SCENE (3), Theresa Rebeck . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
AMBLED EGGS, Robin Amos Kahn and Gary Richards . . . . . . . 79
SHE (4), Jane Martin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
KESPEARE IN HOLLYWOOD, Ken Ludwig . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86
W PEOPLE (2), Paul Weitz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
(A CARDINAL DEPOSED), Michael Murphy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
ACT AALL
LADY
IN LITTLE PIECES
Jordan Harrison
John Yearley
Comic
Romola’s Ghost, any age
Dramatic
Mary, could be any adult age, but probably thirties to forties
Act a Lady is a comedy about a group of men in a small town who
decide to put onMary
a play,reveals
actingher alldark
the roles
secrets—tomale
Molly,and female.
a total In who is think-
stranger
the original production, this role
ing of buying her was
house. played by a man. The char-
acter is the ghost of a character in the play-within-the-play.
MARY: You know, come to think of it, I think my marriage was a marr
(Romola’s Ghostofenters, hot on hertoo.
convenience, trail,
. . but
. seemingly in no hurry. Her
movements are dreamy but to
I used demented.
think so.She Now seems
I’malmost
not sotosure. float. She isI was very
I think
very very pale.) venient to have around. Like at his parties. He used to have t
big, lavish
ROMOLA’S GHOST: Buried me face parties.
downGod, in theI earth,
can seeburied
him sitting at the head of the t
me emeraldless
and husbandless right now. Telling
looking all his little
down toward China stories
but Iand stilljokes.
clawed Sometimes
my they
way out. Scratch about me,scratch,
scratch you know. nailsHe wouldsatin
to coffin tell some
— griming story aboutand how stup
was and
dirting and earthing everyonemywould
underneath just fingernails
filed fine laugh their’tillheads I wormedoff. Like he use
tell thisa one
my way out. Followed worm about
up andhowbroke I didn’t know
through to that
the sun.JFKOnly and John Kenn
it wasn’t sunningwereout,
the same
it wasperson.
mooning, Like that’s the funniest
full-mooning in thethingPérein the world.
Lachaise. all his friends would just bust a gut laughing at me. I would la
too. I would.
(She runs Valentino’s I didn’t
crimson ascot know whather
through else to do. Funny thing is, that
hands.)
actually
Got a pretty prettythe bestred
blood part of the
pretty forevening.
my collection,Because now whenI’m I went to
searching a snoodno matter howalate
if you find it was,
snood youhefindwould throw
the girl to me
go withdownit.on the bed,
ing The
The girl. The girl. forward, with my
girl won’t have hairnograbbed
using for in a clump
snood in nohis fist. And he w
more
when I’m through whisper
withthis dirtythetalk
eating in my
space ear. Ifher
between I didn’t
chin say andanything
her back
collarbone, hergrab my hair boring
snoodplace, tighter through
and say, that
“Yousoft likesoft
that?!
girlHuh?”
’till youSo I’d say “y
hit spine. or “fuck me” or whatever he wanted. Anything to make it stop
Dead don’tsoon
talkasquite
he hadthe finished
same sortheaswould collapse,
the living no more maybe butgive me a g
shove
the words are still so I would
enough, stay off hisImperfect
you understand? half of thespeeching
bed. Andnot when he got
so ladylike withatthenoon,
commas it would
soundingbe like nothing
in the wronghad place everbuthappened.
it’s what House c
feels good in my Lunch
mouth prepared.
these days Wife andsmiling.
I wonder Very convenient.
if it’ll speak denser For him, any
the longer I’m (Pause.
decay. Mary opens her purse and pulls out a flask.) Do you want a dr
(Looking atI the
couldascot, again.)
sure use one. (Mary takes a long drink.) I’m sorry.
Believed you, Valentino. Trusted you madly but instead he played

4 1
CT A LADY
goosey-loosey with my jewel and my heart and now I want my right-
ful emerald back, I want, I want. Wasn’t hardly knowing what I wanted
dan Harrison
from life-ing, but the after is ever clearer as crystal-clear. And it’s good
to have a purposeful, even if the flesh is creeping toward purple. But
mic if six feet of dirt couldn’t stop me then no chamber whore nor any
a, thirties to forties
of yous won’t don’t stop me no
mark
Act a Lady is a comedy myabout
— a group of men in a small town who
decide to put on a play, acting all the roles — male and female. They
Worrrrd.
have enlisted some of the ladies in their community to help, including
Lorna, who is doing their makeup.

NA: The first start to being pretty is powder for that nice even tone.
Don’t know nobody who gotta nice even tone without the helpa pow-
der ’cept maybe the China-woman who works down in the laundry.
Asked her once how she gets such fine even tone and she touched
my cheek — her hand just shot out from behind the counter and
stretched my cheek-skin between her thumb and pointer finger like
that, and she said: “Peaches and cream.” Peaches and cream is all she
said but I knew somehow that meant “You’re all right, Lorna — you
be happy with what you got.” That was nice. But that’s a whole other
story.
First start to being pretty is powder and you use the powder puff
here, puff puff puff anywhere and everywhere but ’specially wherever
it’s — darn it, darn it. Darn it I shoulda started you all with shav-
ing. Shaving for the boys, gotta shave real close first or else you’ll end
up looking like you’re some kinda sideshow act let out on the
loose — which is OK if that’s what you want but that’s not what we
want. Illusion we want. Elegant we want. Ladies we want.
I know, I’m a dreamer, I know, that’s what they call me. But I
think when we get all your wives and sisters and mom-folk lined up
opening night they’re going to see I’ve been dreaming real. Now, third
step after shave ’n powder is gonna be your eyes. Big big eyes to put
Pickford to shame. You do wanna look pretty, right fellas?

2 3
ACT A LADY
goosey-loosey with my jewel and my heart and now I want my ri
ful emerald back, I want, I want. Wasn’t hardly knowing what I wa
Jordan Harrison
from life-ing, but the after is ever clearer as crystal-clear. And it’s g
to have a purposeful, even if the flesh is creeping toward purple.
Comic if six feet of dirt couldn’t stop me then no chamber whore nor
Lorna, thirties to forties
of yous won’t don’t stop me no
mark
Act a Lady is a comedy myabout
— a group of men in a small town who
decide to put on a play, acting all the roles — male and female. They
Worrrrd.
have enlisted some of the ladies in their community to help, including
Lorna, who is doing their makeup.

LORNA: The first start to being pretty is powder for that nice even tone.
Don’t know nobody who gotta nice even tone without the helpa pow-
der ’cept maybe the China-woman who works down in the laundry.
Asked her once how she gets such fine even tone and she touched
my cheek — her hand just shot out from behind the counter and
stretched my cheek-skin between her thumb and pointer finger like
that, and she said: “Peaches and cream.” Peaches and cream is all she
said but I knew somehow that meant “You’re all right, Lorna — you
be happy with what you got.” That was nice. But that’s a whole other
story.
First start to being pretty is powder and you use the powder puff
here, puff puff puff anywhere and everywhere but ’specially wherever
it’s — darn it, darn it. Darn it I shoulda started you all with shav-
ing. Shaving for the boys, gotta shave real close first or else you’ll end
up looking like you’re some kinda sideshow act let out on the
loose — which is OK if that’s what you want but that’s not what we
want. Illusion we want. Elegant we want. Ladies we want.
I know, I’m a dreamer, I know, that’s what they call me. But I
think when we get all your wives and sisters and mom-folk lined up
opening night they’re going to see I’ve been dreaming real. Now, third
step after shave ’n powder is gonna be your eyes. Big big eyes to put
Pickford to shame. You do wanna look pretty, right fellas?

2 3
 CT AALL
LADY
IN LITTLE PIECES
dan Harrison
John Yearley
mic
mola’s Ghost, any age
Dramatic
Mary, could be any adult age, but probably thirties to forties
Act a Lady is a comedy about a group of men in a small town who
decide to put onMary
a play,reveals
actingher alldark secrets—tomale
the roles Molly,and a total
female.stranger
In who is think-
ing of buying
the original production, her was
this role house. played by a man. The char-
acter is the ghost of a character in the play-within-the-play.
MARY: You know, come to think of it, I think my marriage was a marriage
(Romola’s Ghostofenters, hot on hertoo.
convenience, trail,
. . but
. seemingly in no hurry. Her
movements are dreamy but to
I used demented.
think so.She Now seems
I’malmost
not sotosure. float. She isI was very con-
I think
very very pale.) venient to have around. Like at his parties. He used to have these
big, lavish
OLA’S GHOST: Buried me face parties.
downGod, in theI earth,
can seeburied
him sitting at the head of the table
me emeraldless
and husbandless right now. Telling
looking all his little
down toward China stories
but Iand stilljokes.
clawed Sometimes
my they were
way out. Scratch about me,scratch,
scratch you know. nailsHe wouldsatin
to coffin tell some
— griming story aboutand how stupid I
was and
dirting and earthing everyonemywould
underneath just fingernails
filed fine laugh their’tillheads I wormedoff. Like he used to
tell thisa one
my way out. Followed worm about
up andhowbroke I didn’t know
through to that
the sun.JFKOnly and John Kennedy
it wasn’t sunningwereout,
the same
it wasperson.
mooning, Like that’s the funniest
full-mooning in thethingPérein the world. And
Lachaise. all his friends would just bust a gut laughing at me. I would laugh,
too. I would.
(She runs Valentino’s I didn’t
crimson ascot know whather
through else to do. Funny thing is, that was
hands.)
actually
Got a pretty prettythe bestred
blood part of the
pretty forevening.
my collection,Because now whenI’m I went to bed,
searching a snoodno matter howalate
if you find it was,
snood youhefindwould throw
the girl to me
go withdownit.on the bed, fac-
ing The
The girl. The girl. forward, with my
girl won’t have hairnograbbed
using for in a clump
snood in nohis fist. And he would
more
when I’m through whisper
withthis dirtythetalk
eating in my
space ear. Ifher
between I didn’t
chin say andanything
her back he’d
collarbone, hergrab my hair boring
snoodplace, tighter through
and say, that
“Yousoft likesoft
that?!
girlHuh?”
’till youSo I’d say “yeah”
hit spine. or “fuck me” or whatever he wanted. Anything to make it stop. As
Dead don’tsoon
talkasquite
he hadthe finished
same sortheaswould collapse,
the living no more maybe butgive me a good
shove
the words are still so I would
enough, stay off hisImperfect
you understand? half of thespeeching
bed. Andnot when he got up,
so ladylike withatthenoon,
commas it would
soundingbe like nothing
in the wronghad place everbuthappened.
it’s what House clean.
feels good in my Lunch
mouth prepared.
these days Wife andsmiling.
I wonder Very convenient.
if it’ll speak denser For him, anyway.
the longer I’m (Pause.
decay. Mary opens her purse and pulls out a flask.) Do you want a drink?
(Looking atI the
could sure
ascot, use one. (Mary takes a long drink.) I’m sorry. I’ve
again.)
Believed you, Valentino. Trusted you madly but instead he played

4 1
 THE AUDITIONERS
probably offended you again, haven’t I? Some pathetic housewife spew-
ing out her problems. . . .
Doug
(Pause.) Rand
You know, sometimes I don’t think I’ll miss this house
one little bit. Sometimes I just want to beat and claw at it until there’s
nothing left.
Comic
Auditioner #3, probably twenties

This play is a comedy about the audition process for actors. Speaker
is an actress doing a contemporary monologue.

AUDITIONER #3: My contemporary monologue is from Grabbing the

by Kristen Neander.
(And #3 begins.)
I just want to thank you all so much for giving me the op
tunity to become your Queen. If selected, I promise a reign of pe
prosperity, and boundless happiness, and also I’ll do my best to
resent our town at nationals. But first, I’d like to let you know
tle bit more about me.
My favorite color is magenta.
My favorite season is summer.
My favorite country is America.
My favorite animal is puppies.
My height is [X]'[X]". (Use whatever numbers are plausibl
this actor.)
My weight is [XX] pounds, of which I am understandably pr
My measurements are [XX-XX-XX], which are also a sourc
great satisfaction to myself and others.
My Web site is iamindeedhot.com, where you can gain a de
appreciation of the previous information.
My screen name is Slinkyminx287, and I like to chat a
grown-up things.
My birthday is [XX-XX-XXXX], so as of three weeks ago,
kind of chatting is totally legal.
My phone number is unlisted, but you’ll find it on the bac
my headshot.

8 5
 ARE WE THERE YET?
No, Howard, I’m afraid he already has a boyfriend. And you’re
nine, Howard, so that’s really very . . .
Garth Wingfield
Do I have a boyfriend? OK, let’s see, that would be a big fat no.
I had one,Comic
but he, well . . . he had issues, so we broke up. Anyway,
Amanda,
getting back early thirties
to the Little Blue Engine . . .

In this direct
What, Genevieve? Well,address to the audience,
yes, I suppose I would Amanda
like to gettalks
mar- to the audi-
enceIabout
ried someday, only have toherfind
unhappiness with her
the right person life.
and fall in love first,
now don’t I?
irritated: now.)
(MoreAMANDA (To audience.) Amanda’s career. A farce in one act.
No, Marcus. (SheI have
opensplenty
a copy ofof The
time.Little Engine That Could and reads to us.)
AMANDA: (Continues, as if to a roomful of children.) “And the Little Blue
Engine
Tell you what, let’sthought of to
just listen thethe good little
story andboys
saveandour girls on the other side of
questions
for later, OK? the mountain who would not have any toys or good food unless she
helped. Then she said, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ ”
(Reading again.)
“Puff, puff,(Looks
chug,up, at her
chug, audience.)
went the Little Blue Engine. ‘I think I
can, I think I can, IIsn’t
thinkthis a nice
I can . . .’story?
”

Yes, Marietta? No, I don’t know where your agent is. She’s prob-
ably checking your lighting or something.

Hugo? No, I can’t run lines with you right now. I’m doing this.

Actually, um, cast . . . I wanted to tell you that today is my last

day with you for a while. It’s been wonderful working with you, but
I’m going off to the hospital to have an operation, and I’m not sure
when I’ll be back.

No, Carmen, it’s not cosmetic.

Anyway, in my absence, Joseph will be your network talent ex-

ecutive. You all remember Joseph, right?

That’s right, Shirley, the gay guy.

6 7
 ARE WE THERE YET?
No, Howard, I’m afraid he already has a boyfriend. And you’re
nine, Howard, so that’s really very . . .
Garth Wingfield
Do I have a boyfriend? OK, let’s see, that would be a big fat no.
I had one,Comic
but he, well . . . he had issues, so we broke up. Anyway,
Amanda,
getting back early thirties
to the Little Blue Engine . . .

In this direct
What, Genevieve? Well,address to the audience,
yes, I suppose I would Amanda
like to gettalks
mar- to the audi-
enceIabout
ried someday, only have toherfind
unhappiness with her
the right person life.
and fall in love first,
now don’t I?
irritated: now.)
(MoreAMANDA (To audience.) Amanda’s career. A farce in one act.
No, Marcus. (SheI have
opensplenty
a copy ofof The
time.Little Engine That Could and reads to
AMANDA: (Continues, as if to a roomful of children.) “And the Little
Engine
Tell you what, let’sthought of to
just listen thethe good little
story andboys
saveandour girls on the other sid
questions
for later, OK? the mountain who would not have any toys or good food unles
helped. Then she said, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I ca
(Reading again.)
“Puff, puff,(Looks
chug,up, at her
chug, audience.)
went the Little Blue Engine. ‘I think I
can, I think I can, IIsn’t
thinkthis a nice
I can . . .’story?
”

Yes, Marietta? No, I don’t know where your agent is. She’s p
ably checking your lighting or something.

Hugo? No, I can’t run lines with you right now. I’m doing

Actually, um, cast . . . I wanted to tell you that today is my

day with you for a while. It’s been wonderful working with you
I’m going off to the hospital to have an operation, and I’m not
when I’ll be back.

No, Carmen, it’s not cosmetic.

Anyway, in my absence, Joseph will be your network talen

ecutive. You all remember Joseph, right?

That’s right, Shirley, the gay guy.

6 7
 THE AUDITIONERS
probably offended you again, haven’t I? Some pathetic housewife spew-
ing out her problems. . . .
Doug
(Pause.) Rand
You know, sometimes I don’t think I’ll miss this house
one little bit. Sometimes I just want to beat and claw at it until there’s
nothing left.
Comic
Auditioner #3, probably twenties

This play is a comedy about the audition process for actors. Speaker
is an actress doing a contemporary monologue.

AUDITIONER #3: My contemporary monologue is from Grabbing the Sash

by Kristen Neander.
(And #3 begins.)
I just want to thank you all so much for giving me the oppor-
tunity to become your Queen. If selected, I promise a reign of peace,
prosperity, and boundless happiness, and also I’ll do my best to rep-
resent our town at nationals. But first, I’d like to let you know a lit-
tle bit more about me.
My favorite color is magenta.
My favorite season is summer.
My favorite country is America.
My favorite animal is puppies.
My height is [X]'[X]". (Use whatever numbers are plausible for
this actor.)
My weight is [XX] pounds, of which I am understandably proud.
My measurements are [XX-XX-XX], which are also a source of
great satisfaction to myself and others.
My Web site is iamindeedhot.com, where you can gain a deeper
appreciation of the previous information.
My screen name is Slinkyminx287, and I like to chat about
grown-up things.
My birthday is [XX-XX-XXXX], so as of three weeks ago, this
kind of chatting is totally legal.
My phone number is unlisted, but you’ll find it on the back of
my headshot.

8 5
 BODY TALK
And now, for the brainiac portion of this pageant, I chose the
following question: “Why must human beings always suffer?” I
Tanya
thought about Palmer
this question really hard, since my answer counts for
fifty points, which is more than the swimsuit portion — and the more
I thought about it, the more I realized it’s a trick question.
Dramatic
Because really, the question should be, “Must human beings al-
ways sufferCharacter
in the firstcould be And
place?” any age.
I totally think the answer is “no.”
We’re so smart, you know? (I’m talking about human beings in gen-
eral, not specificBody Talk is alike
individuals, monologue
my idiotplay dealing
sister. [JK, with women’s
Kaitlyn!]) issues of self-
If we
can put a man image.
on the moon and we can figure out that deadly toxic
botulism is good for getting rid of wrinkles, then surely we have the
tools to cure
ONE : I see
any myself
disease, in aany
heal drugstore window.
infirmity, Tall. Wearing
and enhance big boots that m
any mood.
me feel like I’m strutting everywhere I go. Supercool. Tight p
Black. And I can’t believe it’s me ’cause I’m beautiful. I don’t
recognize myself, and it’s like a whole other individual has taken
my reflection. She’s thin and she’s got a big smile and she stands
her shoulders back, not crouching forward, and she looks m
through her happiness. Tough. And I love her. Love her. ME. I
ognize that stupid shy scared sadness not quite ready to leave her
And I hear her fear. What do you do when you’ve never liked y
self, never known how to. Always thought you were nothing g
only something to hide. But one day like magic you see yourself
of love for yourself like a spell has been cast. I see, touch, taste
face. My face. And my body and my beauty shines like a beam
light so bright I’m propelled forward, down the street and into a
fee shop. I enter with my big thick boots and flash a big smile a
girl behind the counter with the cat eyes and the golden hair. S
wearing a shirt that’s sea foam, that’s the color — sea foam. “I
your shirt.” She smiles and says “thanks” and I’m feeling so sexy,
heat just at the surface of every part of me, she can feel it too.
exchange glances like it’s too bad we’re in a crowded coffee shop
erwise we could rip our clothes off, except my boots, and see just
fucking amazing we are. Everyone looks up and takes me in. I s
a huge, generous, I’m-giving-you-a-piece-of-me smile to this man
graying hair sitting on a black and pink stool and he smiles back
are radiant, the two of us together, and me and the cat-eyed gir

12 9
 THE AUDITIONERS
and quivering thigh; and the demesnes that there adjacent lie — not
that you’re getting anywhere near these demesnes without a ring, lover
boy. Maybe Doug
Juliet is Rand
less persnickety on that front. Is that it, Romeo?
Is that why you dropped me for a thirteen-year-old who snores?!
O Romeo, Romeo — you see me coming and you’d better run,
Romeo. Comic
Auditioner #2, teens to twenties
What’s in a name? that which we call an ass
By any otherThisname
play iswould
a comedy
smellabout the audition process for actors. Speaker
as foul.
is an actress doing a contemporary monologue.
You are so dead.
AUDITIONER #2: My classical monologue is from the tragically underpro-
duced masterwork of Natalie Stannard, entitled Rosaline’s Lament.
(#2 begins:)
O Romeo, Romeo — I’m gonna hurt you, Romeo.
I was looking forward to Uncle Capulet’s party for months! And
you said you were going to sneak in so that you could dance with
me. If you can remember back that far. Back when you told me that
I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and that your eyes were
only for me, that you’d die without my smile.
It feels like only yesterday you said these things. Oh, wait, that’s
because it was only yesterday, right before you suddenly decided that
my loser cousin Juliet should get every last scrap of your attention.
Frankly, Romeo, I’m disappointed. I question your judgment,
really. Because guess what: Juliet’s not that pretty. Her eyes are too
far apart, and she wears too much makeup, and I know from way
too many summers at sleepaway camp that she snores like a bear. Also,
FYI, Romeo, she’s thirteen. You may not see that as a problem, but
we have certain laws in Verona you might want to think about be-
fore busting a move on little miss jailbait.
Not that you care. You’re probably laying the moves on Juliet right
now, tonight of all nights: the tortured sighing. The balcony by moon-
light. The rhymed couplets. Ungh, you are so predictable.
And here you told me “the all-seeing sun ne’er saw my match
since first the world begun.” You wouldn’t shut up about my bright
eyes, my high forehead and my scarlet lip; my fine foot, straight leg

10 11
 THE AUDITIONERS
and quivering thigh; and the demesnes that there adjacent lie — not
that you’re getting anywhere near these demesnes without a ring, lover
boy. Maybe Doug
Juliet is Rand
less persnickety on that front. Is that it, Romeo?
Is that why you dropped me for a thirteen-year-old who snores?!
O Romeo, Romeo — you see me coming and you’d better run,
Romeo. Comic
Auditioner #2, teens to twenties
What’s in a name? that which we call an ass
By any otherThisname
play iswould
a comedy
smellabout the audition process for actors. Speaker
as foul.
is an actress doing a contemporary monologue.
You are so dead.
AUDITIONER #2: My classical monologue is from the tragically under
duced masterwork of Natalie Stannard, entitled Rosaline’s Lame
(#2 begins:)
O Romeo, Romeo — I’m gonna hurt you, Romeo.
I was looking forward to Uncle Capulet’s party for months!
you said you were going to sneak in so that you could dance
me. If you can remember back that far. Back when you told me
I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and that your eyes
only for me, that you’d die without my smile.
It feels like only yesterday you said these things. Oh, wait, t
because it was only yesterday, right before you suddenly decided
my loser cousin Juliet should get every last scrap of your attent
Frankly, Romeo, I’m disappointed. I question your judgm
really. Because guess what: Juliet’s not that pretty. Her eyes are
far apart, and she wears too much makeup, and I know from
too many summers at sleepaway camp that she snores like a bear. A
FYI, Romeo, she’s thirteen. You may not see that as a problem,
we have certain laws in Verona you might want to think about
fore busting a move on little miss jailbait.
Not that you care. You’re probably laying the moves on Juliet
now, tonight of all nights: the tortured sighing. The balcony by m
light. The rhymed couplets. Ungh, you are so predictable.
And here you told me “the all-seeing sun ne’er saw my m
since first the world begun.” You wouldn’t shut up about my br
eyes, my high forehead and my scarlet lip; my fine foot, straigh

10 11
 BODY TALK
And now, for the brainiac portion of this pageant, I chose the
following question: “Why must human beings always suffer?” I
Tanya
thought about Palmer
this question really hard, since my answer counts for
fifty points, which is more than the swimsuit portion — and the more
I thought about it, the more I realized it’s a trick question.
Dramatic
Because really, the question should be, “Must human beings al-
ways sufferCharacter
in the firstcould be And
place?” any age.
I totally think the answer is “no.”
We’re so smart, you know? (I’m talking about human beings in gen-
eral, not specificBody Talk is alike
individuals, monologue
my idiotplay dealing
sister. [JK, with women’s
Kaitlyn!]) issues of self-
If we
can put a man image.
on the moon and we can figure out that deadly toxic
botulism is good for getting rid of wrinkles, then surely we have the
tools to cure
ONE : I see
any myself
disease, in aany
heal drugstore window.
infirmity, Tall. Wearing
and enhance big boots that make
any mood.
me feel like I’m strutting everywhere I go. Supercool. Tight pants.
Black. And I can’t believe it’s me ’cause I’m beautiful. I don’t even
recognize myself, and it’s like a whole other individual has taken over
my reflection. She’s thin and she’s got a big smile and she stands with
her shoulders back, not crouching forward, and she looks mean
through her happiness. Tough. And I love her. Love her. ME. I rec-
ognize that stupid shy scared sadness not quite ready to leave her face.
And I hear her fear. What do you do when you’ve never liked your-
self, never known how to. Always thought you were nothing good,
only something to hide. But one day like magic you see yourself full
of love for yourself like a spell has been cast. I see, touch, taste that
face. My face. And my body and my beauty shines like a beam of
light so bright I’m propelled forward, down the street and into a cof-
fee shop. I enter with my big thick boots and flash a big smile at the
girl behind the counter with the cat eyes and the golden hair. She’s
wearing a shirt that’s sea foam, that’s the color — sea foam. “I love
your shirt.” She smiles and says “thanks” and I’m feeling so sexy, like
heat just at the surface of every part of me, she can feel it too. We
exchange glances like it’s too bad we’re in a crowded coffee shop oth-
erwise we could rip our clothes off, except my boots, and see just how
fucking amazing we are. Everyone looks up and takes me in. I smile
a huge, generous, I’m-giving-you-a-piece-of-me smile to this man with
graying hair sitting on a black and pink stool and he smiles back. We
are radiant, the two of us together, and me and the cat-eyed girl are

12 9
 BOY ON BLACK TOP ROAD
radiant too. I turn again and flash my smile to the whole fucking place
and they smile back and I think this, Thomas Merton, is an exam-
Dalelove.
ple of universal Wasserman
This is me saying I love myself so much I can
love every single one of you, that’s how much love I got in me. I buy
Dramatic
a mochaccino ’cause it’s the most expensive drink, and I love this and
myself andDonna,
I don’t eighteen
need anyone else to tell me why.

Donna is talking to a boy, who may be an imaginary remembrance

of her brother.

DONNA: All my life I’ve been a coward. There’s reason, I guess . . . pl

reason to be scared. What’s bad is that it makes you cruel. You
cruel when somebody probes that little nest of fear you hide in
You lash out with your claws, and you wound and you hurt who
sees inside you. You can’t bear that anyone should see that you’re
cocky, you’re afraid. But you are — of so many things. Of b
hated . . . or loved. Of failure . . . and maybe of success. Of grow
old. We’re afraid of the dark before the lights come on. Then w
afraid of the light, what it might show. Afraid to die. Maybe m
afraid of living. But of all the stuff there is to fear, I guess the w
is loneliness. (A pause.) . . .
Sure as hell, company doesn’t help. If you want to find
Grade-A blue ribbon loneliness, try a crowd. Even a crowd of o
have . . . oh, God, so many times. I’d be alone for a while, unti
ache was right up in my throat and I’d be hollering without a so
saying, “Know me. Discover me. I’m here, inside — somebody, ple
But they couldn’t hear my silent voice, so after a while I’d be say
“Make love to me.” They didn’t ask much. They didn’t get much.
giggles.) You wouldn’t know about that. The big bad sex-express. “
me, love me — well, if you can’t love me, OK, fuck me.” It’s li
dance . . . all the moves have been rehearsed, you just follow the m
(Singing, raucously.) “Circle round and dosey do, All change part
off we go!” (Quietly again.) And that’s how it goes. Time after
after time. Reach out for love and find you’ve been stuck with
Booby-trapped by your own hormones!

16 13
 BODY TALK
hoping I can make it disappear. My body is covered in a cloak that
says to people, stay away, ’cause if you get too close I’ll contaminate
you with myTanya Palmer
sour gases. But then I’m lonely so I say to that face in
words that slice through flesh, “You’re incapable incapable incapable
of making friends. No one could ever love you. You’re unlovable be-
Dramatic
cause you’re nothing but badness.” So if you want to know why I’m
Character
hyperventilating could ifbeI any
it’s ’cause age.
didn’t force myself to breathe I’d stop.
My body is making one last effort to bring my mind back to life. All
Body
I can do is cry or Talk’cause
scream is a monologue
that’s howplay dealing
much with
I hate me.women’s
The sourissues of self-
image.
juices are stewing and simmering inside. They whisper to my flesh.
You have committed a terrible sin. How do I atone?
THREE: I’m trying. To be positive. If I don’t I start having panic attacks.
Don’t look alarmed. Well, I guess it is alarming. It’s alarming for me
too. When suddenly I start to breathe really quick and shallow.
Hyperventilating. I don’t always know what starts it off, it’s usually
nothing concrete, it’s something in my head, a thought like for ex-
ample “That was the stupidest fucking thing you could have said.”
“Idiot FAT UGLY idiot.” And from that point on I lose a sense of
connection to real events. “You’re stupid, you can’t do anything, you’ll
never do anything, ever. Ever. Ever.” And why not? It doesn’t make
any sense. I’m smart. I’m . . . I’m what? I’m not a fucking thing. I’m
a vacuous vacuum. I’m a collection of sour gases. I’m a series of mis-
takes. That’s when I start to hyperventilate. So I’ll be positive, so I
don’t have to put you through that. So as not to alarm you. When
I was growing up I went to the Unitarian church and they taught us
this chant: I am lovable and capable. So as to empower the soul. If
you love yourself, then you can love others. So the theory goes. So I
say that to myself. I am lovable and capable. Or I change the order.
I am capable and lovable. Or I say one without the other. I am ca-
pable. But am I lovable? And I look down at my body and it’s been
destroyed by my mind. The sour gases turn my skin sour. It’s not
smooth it’s scaly, it’s not tight, it bursts into hideous bubbles of white
fat. FAT. I want to punish this fucking body for being so fucking ugly
it makes me sick so I try different things, like sometimes I hit my
head against the wall over and over again until I almost pass out. Or
I punch myself in the gut or I just stare at my face and scrub at it

14 15
 BODY TALK
hoping I can make it disappear. My body is covered in a cloak that
says to people, stay away, ’cause if you get too close I’ll contaminate
you with myTanya Palmer
sour gases. But then I’m lonely so I say to that face in
words that slice through flesh, “You’re incapable incapable incapable
of making friends. No one could ever love you. You’re unlovable be-
Dramatic
cause you’re nothing but badness.” So if you want to know why I’m
Character
hyperventilating could ifbeI any
it’s ’cause age.
didn’t force myself to breathe I’d stop.
My body is making one last effort to bring my mind back to life. All
Body
I can do is cry or Talk’cause
scream is a monologue
that’s howplay dealing
much with
I hate me.women’s
The sourissues of self-
image.
juices are stewing and simmering inside. They whisper to my flesh.
You have committed a terrible sin. How do I atone?
THREE: I’m trying. To be positive. If I don’t I start having panic atta
Don’t look alarmed. Well, I guess it is alarming. It’s alarming fo
too. When suddenly I start to breathe really quick and sha
Hyperventilating. I don’t always know what starts it off, it’s usu
nothing concrete, it’s something in my head, a thought like fo
ample “That was the stupidest fucking thing you could have s
“Idiot FAT UGLY idiot.” And from that point on I lose a sen
connection to real events. “You’re stupid, you can’t do anything, y
never do anything, ever. Ever. Ever.” And why not? It doesn’t m
any sense. I’m smart. I’m . . . I’m what? I’m not a fucking thing
a vacuous vacuum. I’m a collection of sour gases. I’m a series of
takes. That’s when I start to hyperventilate. So I’ll be positive,
don’t have to put you through that. So as not to alarm you. W
I was growing up I went to the Unitarian church and they taugh
this chant: I am lovable and capable. So as to empower the sou
you love yourself, then you can love others. So the theory goes.
say that to myself. I am lovable and capable. Or I change the o
I am capable and lovable. Or I say one without the other. I am
pable. But am I lovable? And I look down at my body and it’s
destroyed by my mind. The sour gases turn my skin sour. It’s
smooth it’s scaly, it’s not tight, it bursts into hideous bubbles of w
fat. FAT. I want to punish this fucking body for being so fucking
it makes me sick so I try different things, like sometimes I hit
head against the wall over and over again until I almost pass out
I punch myself in the gut or I just stare at my face and scrub

14 15
 BOY ON BLACK TOP ROAD
radiant too. I turn again and flash my smile to the whole fucking place
and they smile back and I think this, Thomas Merton, is an exam-
Dalelove.
ple of universal Wasserman
This is me saying I love myself so much I can
love every single one of you, that’s how much love I got in me. I buy
Dramatic
a mochaccino ’cause it’s the most expensive drink, and I love this and
myself andDonna,
I don’t eighteen
need anyone else to tell me why.

Donna is talking to a boy, who may be an imaginary remembrance

of her brother.

DONNA: All my life I’ve been a coward. There’s reason, I guess . . . plenty
reason to be scared. What’s bad is that it makes you cruel. You turn
cruel when somebody probes that little nest of fear you hide inside.
You lash out with your claws, and you wound and you hurt whoever
sees inside you. You can’t bear that anyone should see that you’re not
cocky, you’re afraid. But you are — of so many things. Of being
hated . . . or loved. Of failure . . . and maybe of success. Of growing
old. We’re afraid of the dark before the lights come on. Then we’re
afraid of the light, what it might show. Afraid to die. Maybe more
afraid of living. But of all the stuff there is to fear, I guess the worst
is loneliness. (A pause.) . . .
Sure as hell, company doesn’t help. If you want to find real
Grade-A blue ribbon loneliness, try a crowd. Even a crowd of one. I
have . . . oh, God, so many times. I’d be alone for a while, until the
ache was right up in my throat and I’d be hollering without a sound,
saying, “Know me. Discover me. I’m here, inside — somebody, please.”
But they couldn’t hear my silent voice, so after a while I’d be saying,
“Make love to me.” They didn’t ask much. They didn’t get much. (She
giggles.) You wouldn’t know about that. The big bad sex-express. “Love
me, love me — well, if you can’t love me, OK, fuck me.” It’s like a
dance . . . all the moves have been rehearsed, you just follow the music.
(Singing, raucously.) “Circle round and dosey do, All change partners,
off we go!” (Quietly again.) And that’s how it goes. Time after time
after time. Reach out for love and find you’ve been stuck with sex.
Booby-trapped by your own hormones!

16 13
THE DEAR
FIDDLE
BOYAND FADDLE
Dan O’Brien
Tom Gliatto

Dramatic Comic
Elise, twenties Faddle, could be any age

Elise, a teacher, This

is talking
play istoaanwild older, male teacher
political at a party.
satire. Faddle is speaking to her com-
panion, Fiddle.
ELISE: You teach: and you love it. And when you don’t love it you at least
feel proud.FADDLE
You’ve: got
I am a martyr’s pride . . .We are not superfluous. They also s
not superfluous.
Because I’ll who tell—you something:
serve. We are, in I’mourgood
way,atessential,
it. Teaching. or heThe would not hav
kids love me — hereand roundI can’t
the stand
clock them.
on red— I hate
alert, so tothem speak, —next the to naked.
kids — I hate “kids”
And just . . .remember
And the childrenthis if you at ever
that doubt
school your can all eat
importance: You
shit for all I care: I mean,
giving the this
bestattitude
years oftheyyourhavelife— to ?your
Theycountry
look down and to your p
on you as a matter dent. of Even
course, if as
youif it’s
do somehow
nothing but polite
wait of them
by thetopool con-until he co
descend to talkambling
to you, in because you don’t
and throws live there
us into — you
the water andcan’tripsaf-off our tops
ford to! — So Ihas constantly
sex withfeel us. this need at
(Looking to her
shock them, you
magazine again, know?
but not relaxin
To break them am of their
not smug
ashamed littletocomplacencies
say I regard myself — about as alife. I flirt(Puts the m
patriot.
with the boys; zineI wear low-cut
down.) Andblouses, leather
I will tell you minis.
— the I’m a bitch
greatest to either o
betrayal
the girls; I confront them with
could commit? symbolic
If, by gang-rape in
some preposterous andLordcruelofturnthe of events,
Flies — and they troare shocked!
were to take —over
Thank theGod something
country, and he shocks
drovethem!,into Washingto
for a moment, for his ajeep
fewanddays, they’re
dusty beardconfused,
and he wereand violated . . . Why
to say, “Fiddle and Faddle?
would she do this to us?I What’s
is Fidel! am coming MissdownSangertotrying
the pool to say . . . ? the succulent f
to taste
But they get thatused to it, don’tthe
so delighted they ...
president” — well, I would drown mysel
They’ve started
fore he evento laughremoved at his
mefilthy
already: “O, that’s
underwear. And I would Miss take you
Sanger” — theyme don’t
with usemythearmsworddraped
Ms., it’saround
like their
your mouths
neck like are con-
heavy seaweed
genitally incapableI willof never
forming everthesleep
soundswithrequired — “That’s
a communist. Notour even Missdoze. Sleep
Sanger for you:the it’spresident,
because she’s andsothe young . . .” only, and be a patriot. Sleep w
president
Don’t get communist
me wrong: it’s andme: be aI’m an artist
whore. — aI novelist;
“Punta” think is the by word.
na- I mean,
ture. That’s what canI wanted
imaginetothe besort
in theof first
girls place, when keeps
he, Castro, I got out on — hand to — W
of college. I went yes,toasBrown?
I said, Ipuntas.
wrote aVicious
novel asgirls
myfromseniorthe thesis.
countryIt’s sleeping
not that good: way too longup the— party
it’s trite — Richard
ranks. readopportunists,
Filthy little it; he had lots which of is a fa
notes . . . It’s not
from organic
patriot. just yet,revolution
And, let’s just put it that
being what way;
it is,but
youit’scana bet those
start . . . It’s about
will aendplace,
up on in case you’re wondering,
the dustbin of history. very Broken much likelike
the little path

20 17
EAR KENNETH BLAKE
Brown: there’s a murder, yadda yadda yadda . . . I haven’t given up
on it just yet . . . But once you grow up, and by “up” I mean twenty-
cquelyn Reingold
six, -seven, you find you’ve got to pay your rent, right? You’ve got to
get health insurance. You have got to get a life, so — wake up! You
know? Get married, have kids quick before your ovaries dry up like
matic a, like what? . . . fruit is so — fuck! . . . Anyway: and then you’ve got
, thirties, an immigrant from
to find time Cambodia
to be inspired and isn’t that just about the most depressing
thing you’ve ever heard . . . ?
Tina is in love with a homeless man, whom she has never met until
now. She has been corresponding with him.

: Maybe if we think things aren’t going to work sometimes we do it

anyway. Maybe we are just afraid. Maybe we think it cannot be dif-
ferent. You say Cambodia is far from here, but they write about it in
The New York Times. And do you know what they write about now?
They had elections this year. And this country is trying to help make
peace there. How do they think they can do that — now? How can
they think they can do that? I lose my family, my home, my coun-
try. I come here and see a man on TV, and he has the eyes of my fa-
ther when they took him away. I watch him, and I feel a love for this
man, this man I don’t know, this man I am afraid will think I’m crazy
if I tell him. I write him many letters, he writes me one back, I take
a bus and I find him, and I see he does have those eyes, and I see —
I can see — he has a soul like my family, and he doesn’t smile when
he looks at me, and he does not want the gifts I bring him, and he
says he has no home, and I am afraid, and I do it any way. I ask him
to take off his shoes, and when he says “no” I am again afraid, and I
think it will not work, but I know, I know what I see, even if he
doesn’t, even if he will never know, I know, and I say, Dear Kenneth
Blake, I say it anyway, if your feet hurt you take off your shoes and
put them in the dirt. I ask for nothing else. Just that.

18 19
DEAR KENNETH BLAKE
Brown: there’s a murder, yadda yadda yadda . . . I haven’t given
on it just yet . . . But once you grow up, and by “up” I mean twe
Jacquelyn Reingold
six, -seven, you find you’ve got to pay your rent, right? You’ve g
get health insurance. You have got to get a life, so — wake up!
know? Get married, have kids quick before your ovaries dry up
Dramatic a, like what? . . . fruit is so — fuck! . . . Anyway: and then you’ve
Tina, thirties, an immigrant from
to find time Cambodia
to be inspired and isn’t that just about the most depres
thing you’ve ever heard . . . ?
Tina is in love with a homeless man, whom she has never met until
now. She has been corresponding with him.

TINA: Maybe if we think things aren’t going to work sometimes we do it

anyway. Maybe we are just afraid. Maybe we think it cannot be dif-
ferent. You say Cambodia is far from here, but they write about it in
The New York Times. And do you know what they write about now?
They had elections this year. And this country is trying to help make
peace there. How do they think they can do that — now? How can
they think they can do that? I lose my family, my home, my coun-
try. I come here and see a man on TV, and he has the eyes of my fa-
ther when they took him away. I watch him, and I feel a love for this
man, this man I don’t know, this man I am afraid will think I’m crazy
if I tell him. I write him many letters, he writes me one back, I take
a bus and I find him, and I see he does have those eyes, and I see —
I can see — he has a soul like my family, and he doesn’t smile when
he looks at me, and he does not want the gifts I bring him, and he
says he has no home, and I am afraid, and I do it any way. I ask him
to take off his shoes, and when he says “no” I am again afraid, and I
think it will not work, but I know, I know what I see, even if he
doesn’t, even if he will never know, I know, and I say, Dear Kenneth
Blake, I say it anyway, if your feet hurt you take off your shoes and
put them in the dirt. I ask for nothing else. Just that.

18 19
HE DEAR
FIDDLE
BOYAND FADDLE
n O’Brien
Tom Gliatto

matic Comic
, twenties Faddle, could be any age

Elise, a teacher, This play istoaanwild

is talking political
older, satire. Faddle
male teacher at a party.is speaking to her com-
panion, Fiddle.
E: You teach: and you love it. And when you don’t love it you at least
feel proud.FADDLE
You’ve: got
I am a martyr’s pride . . .We are not superfluous. They also serve
not superfluous.
Because I’ll who tell—you something:
serve. We are, in I’mourgood
way,atessential,
it. Teaching. or heThe would not have us
kids love me — hereand round the stand
I can’t clock them.
on red— alert, so tothem
I hate speak, —next the to naked. Yes.
And just
kids — I hate “kids” . . .remember
And the childrenthis if you ever doubt
at that school your can all importance:
eat You are
giving
shit for all I care: I mean, the this
bestattitude
years oftheyyourhavelife— to ?your
Theycountry
look down and to your presi-
on you as a matter dent. of Even
course, if as
you do somehow
if it’s nothing but wait
polite by thetopool
of them con-until he comes
descend to talkambling
to you, in and throws
because you don’t us into the water
live there — you andcan’tripsaf-off our tops and
ford to! — So Ihas sex withfeel
constantly us. this
(Looking
need atto her
shockmagazine
them, you again, but not relaxing.) I
know?
To break them am not smug
of their ashamed littletocomplacencies
say I regard myself — about as alife.
patriot.
I flirt(Puts the maga-
with the boys; zineI wear down.)
low-cut Andblouses,
I will tell you minis.
leather — the I’m greatest
a bitch betrayal
to either of us
could commit?
the girls; I confront them with If, by some preposterous
symbolic gang-rape in andLordcruelofturnthe of events, Cas-
Flies — and they troarewere to take
shocked! —over
Thank theGod
country, and he
something drovethem!,
shocks into Washington in
for a moment, for his ajeep
fewanddays, dusty beard
they’re and he were
confused, to say, “Fiddle
and violated . . . Why and Faddle? This
would she do this is Fidel!
to us?I What’s
am coming MissdownSangertotrying
the pool to taste
to say . . . ? the succulent fruits
But they get thatusedso delighted
to it, don’tthe president”
they ... — well, I would drown myself be-
fore he even
They’ve started to laughremoved at his
mefilthy underwear.
already: And I would
“O, that’s Miss take you with
Sanger” — theyme with
don’t usemythearmsworddraped
Ms., it’saround your
like their neck like
mouths heavy seaweed. No
are con-
genitally incapableI willof never
forming everthesleep
soundswithrequired
a communist.
— “That’s Notour even Missdoze. Sleep with
Sanger for you:the it’spresident,
because she’s andsothe president
young . . .” only, and be a patriot. Sleep with a
Don’t get communist
me wrong: it’s andme: be aI’mwhore. “Punta”
an artist — aI novelist;
think is the by word.
na- I mean, you
ture. That’s what canI wanted
imaginetothe besort
in theof first
girls place,
he, Castro,
when keeps I got out on — hand to — Well,
of college. I went yes,toasBrown?
I said, Ipuntas.
wrote aVicious
novel asgirls
myfromseniorthe country
thesis. It’s sleeping their
not that good: way too longup the— party ranks.
it’s trite Filthy little
— Richard readopportunists,
it; he had lots which of is a far cry
from
notes . . . It’s not patriot.
organic justAnd,
yet,revolution
let’s just put being what
it that it is,but
way; youit’scana bet those girls
will aend
start . . . It’s about up on
place, the dustbin
in case of history. very
you’re wondering, Broken much likelike
the little pathetic

20 17
 FUGITIVE PIECES
dolls they are! There is no fidelity in Fidel. Ha! Whereas you and I,
F and F, have been treated to night education classes at Vassar by the
Caridad
Secret Service, Svich
and finishing classes with the same woman who trained
the first lady, and the president’s doctor treats us routinely for the in-
Dramatic
fections that are a regrettable consequence of the job. I think we could
“pass,” so Downcast
to speak, inMary, late teens to
Hyannisport. early that
Except twenties
we’re not allowed
there, no of course not. Our place is here by the pool, expecting and
then pleasuringDowncast Mary,
the president. a young
Imagine howhomeless woman,
the family would confides
feel, afterin a young
homelesstouch
all, they’re out playing man she’s met named
football Troubled
or sailing or some John about
typical the first time
Irish
Catholic activity,sheand
waswho
caught stealing.
should strollThis
by is
buta play toldand
Fiddle about the in
Faddle backyards of
America
their bikinis? Duty! haunted
Duty! Duty!by dust bowl–era artifacts and an endless flow of
immigrants undocumented and unrecorded by time.

DOWNCAST MARY: . . . You know how much I stole? First time?

A can of beans.
I thought like you: “Stealing’s wrong. God’s law.”
But I’d been fire-walking for a good ten days . .
Walking without stop, burning my soles, running.
I was dead hungry.
I thought “If I get picked up, at least it’d be some kind of sanctu
So, I walk into this dime market that was lit like Christmas
so there was no way a blue-coat could miss it.
And I take a can of French-cut green beans, and slide it into my
and I think “All right, all right,” but there’s nobody.
I walk out of that store and there’s not a sound.
So, I turn into this little side yard,
an ash-brown patch of grass,
and start to bust open the can,
when a runt comes down and breaks my back,
pushes my face between his legs until I can’t breathe,
and I hear the sounds of the can hitting the ground,
French-cut green beans snaking across the grass,
and I’m bleeding.
Next I know I’m in a blind place,
my back feels like sharp metal’s been put into it,
and I haven’t stopped being hungry.

24 21
 FIDDLE AND FADDLE
because nuclear war is new? Or because pregnancy is new? I can’t parse
out my feelings. . . .
Women,Tom evenGliatto
mistresses, are meant to give life. Simple biology!
Communist women too! Aren’t there seven or six little Kruschevs?
I was meant to give life. And here I am by a pool waiting for the pres-
Dramatic
ident or waiting for death, and my poor mother died thinking I would
Fiddle,
probably settle could
down be Jeff,
with any age
except for the Viet Cong, and that’s
assuming he actually didn’t defect — and the Secret Service has given
me this stupid This
nameplay— isanda wild
— and political
— I amsatire. Fiddle is speaking
superfluous, Faddle. to I her com-
panion,
have been rendered Faddle. And I am not supposed to be! You
superfluous.
know what? It’s women who bring life into the world, and men who
bring death. I am: It’s
FIDDLE justto—
vital thetheworld,
thing not
thatthe
I find strange is
president. . . .also!
And I have been sitting
Also — how can here thinking
death be justabout nuclear asweapons,
a moment, Marcus and nuclear
Aurelius says,war, and all the
children in
or you say, or whoever, the world being
if everything destroyed,
is totally dead inreduced to cinders and curl-
the universe
ing up
for all time? That is into
not a flaming
moment. sky.That
Thatiswas what IIdreamed,
eternity. know the that. All the cin-
ders eternity
difference between floating and
up, the way the air will stir them and suck them up in
a moment!
the fireplace and up out the chimney and into the night. Only they
were babies. Little orange glowing fetuses. And I think of this one
never getting a chance to see anything of life. There will be no world
for it. And as a result I feel — a sadness that I have never. . . . —
Think, Faddle, no world. No — circuses or Christmas wrapping or
apple turnovers — I mean, those are simply happy associations of
mine, they mean nothing in the larger scheme. Except that I associ-
ate them, too, with my mother, who was so good to me, to every-
one. (She is getting tearful, then.) And I suspect would have had a
significantly different take on patriotic duty than yours. Yet I will get
rid of it, I will, the baby. In which case it will know nothing of any-
thing, regardless. (Sighs.) I don’t know. This does seem such a sad —
conundrum? Or maybe not. I mean, you know — perhaps when the
crisis is ended, and I am finished with the White House — I assume
the president will tire of me while I am still somewhere in my re-
productive years — maybe there will be other children I can have,
only by some nonpolitical figure, an engineer or a businessman or
minister and — oh, it just makes me sad, what can I say? (Crying a
little.) Inexpressibly sad. And is it, is this sadness, is it new to me

22 23
 FIDDLE AND FADDLE
because nuclear war is new? Or because pregnancy is new? I can’t parse
out my feelings. . . .
Women,Tom evenGliatto
mistresses, are meant to give life. Simple biology!
Communist women too! Aren’t there seven or six little Kruschevs?
I was meant to give life. And here I am by a pool waiting for the pres-
Dramatic
ident or waiting for death, and my poor mother died thinking I would
Fiddle,
probably settle could
down be Jeff,
with any age
except for the Viet Cong, and that’s
assuming he actually didn’t defect — and the Secret Service has given
me this stupid This
nameplay— isanda wild
— and political
— I amsatire. Fiddle is speaking
superfluous, Faddle. to I her com-
panion,
have been rendered Faddle. And I am not supposed to be! You
superfluous.
know what? It’s women who bring life into the world, and men who
bring death. I am: It’s
FIDDLE justto—
vital thetheworld,
thing not
thatthe
I find strange is
president. . . .also!
And I have been sit
Also — how can here thinking
death be justabout nuclear asweapons,
a moment, Marcus and nuclear
Aurelius says,war, and al
children in
or you say, or whoever, the world being
if everything destroyed,
is totally dead inreduced to cinders and
the universe
ing up
for all time? That is into
not a flaming
moment. sky.That
Thatiswas what IIdreamed,
eternity. know the that. All the
ders eternity
difference between floating and
up, the way the air will stir them and suck them u
a moment!
the fireplace and up out the chimney and into the night. Only
were babies. Little orange glowing fetuses. And I think of this
never getting a chance to see anything of life. There will be no w
for it. And as a result I feel — a sadness that I have never. . .
Think, Faddle, no world. No — circuses or Christmas wrappin
apple turnovers — I mean, those are simply happy association
mine, they mean nothing in the larger scheme. Except that I as
ate them, too, with my mother, who was so good to me, to ev
one. (She is getting tearful, then.) And I suspect would have h
significantly different take on patriotic duty than yours. Yet I wil
rid of it, I will, the baby. In which case it will know nothing of
thing, regardless. (Sighs.) I don’t know. This does seem such a sa
conundrum? Or maybe not. I mean, you know — perhaps when
crisis is ended, and I am finished with the White House — I ass
the president will tire of me while I am still somewhere in m
productive years — maybe there will be other children I can h
only by some nonpolitical figure, an engineer or a businessma
minister and — oh, it just makes me sad, what can I say? (Cryi
little.) Inexpressibly sad. And is it, is this sadness, is it new to

22 23
 FUGITIVE PIECES
dolls they are! There is no fidelity in Fidel. Ha! Whereas you and I,
F and F, have been treated to night education classes at Vassar by the
Caridad
Secret Service, Svich
and finishing classes with the same woman who trained
the first lady, and the president’s doctor treats us routinely for the in-
Dramatic
fections that are a regrettable consequence of the job. I think we could
“pass,” so Downcast
to speak, inMary, late teens to
Hyannisport. early that
Except twenties
we’re not allowed
there, no of course not. Our place is here by the pool, expecting and
then pleasuringDowncast Mary,
the president. a young
Imagine howhomeless woman,
the family would confides
feel, afterin a young
homelesstouch
all, they’re out playing man she’s met named
football Troubled
or sailing or some John about
typical the first time
Irish
Catholic activity,sheand
waswho
caught stealing.
should strollThis
by is
buta play toldand
Fiddle about the in
Faddle backyards of
America
their bikinis? Duty! haunted
Duty! Duty!by dust bowl–era artifacts and an endless flow of
immigrants undocumented and unrecorded by time.

DOWNCAST MARY: . . . You know how much I stole? First time?

A can of beans.
I thought like you: “Stealing’s wrong. God’s law.”
But I’d been fire-walking for a good ten days . .
Walking without stop, burning my soles, running.
I was dead hungry.
I thought “If I get picked up, at least it’d be some kind of sanctuary.”
So, I walk into this dime market that was lit like Christmas
so there was no way a blue-coat could miss it.
And I take a can of French-cut green beans, and slide it into my bag
and I think “All right, all right,” but there’s nobody.
I walk out of that store and there’s not a sound.
So, I turn into this little side yard,
an ash-brown patch of grass,
and start to bust open the can,
when a runt comes down and breaks my back,
pushes my face between his legs until I can’t breathe,
and I hear the sounds of the can hitting the ground,
French-cut green beans snaking across the grass,
and I’m bleeding.
Next I know I’m in a blind place,
my back feels like sharp metal’s been put into it,
and I haven’t stopped being hungry.

24 21
Runt puts me on quinine for a week.
HELEN’S MOST FAVORITE DA
“This bird is quarantined,” he said.
Mark
“She’s suffering fromDunn malaria.
Pay no heed to what she says. She’s got a head full of dreams.
Dreams and inventions. Cruel sort of disease.”
Comic
Quinine stuck to my throat.
Every timeRuta,
I askedforty-two
for water, all I got was a lime the size of a bull
penny: flat and round.
And King RuntRuta would is asking
come ainto
coy memanevery
named Herman if he loves her.
night,
four and five times. See, he was a Bible man. He didn’t like thieves.
When I got let :out,
RUTA Now, I know walk
I couldn’t this iswithout
not thefalling
reasontoI my
invited you over here, H
knees.
Runt wrote down man. onButsomethispaper
afternoon,
I had watching
a “chemicalyoudeficiency,”
sitting at your tidy little d
and there wasn’tdrudging
a doctorthrough
that couldyour daily
cure me.routine — then taking your 3:30
He made me sign fee the
break — at
paper precisely
with 3:30 — not 3:31, mind you — never
my teeth.
God forbid,
“Bit by an unlettered bird,”3:29. Enslaved to “same, same, same, same, same.”
he wrote,
later whenofHelen
“an unlettered daughter came plains.”
the Kansas home and congratulated me on getting
embarrassingly
And then a spurred boot hit my measly
rear honorable mention. For something I pu
and landed memy ontoheart and soul
a blank into. Like the way I’ve put my heart and soul
street,
where every grainhoping against
of light andhope
dark that you’d some day get up from your desk
walk over
seemed to be reaching to mymy
toward desk for a change, for a nice, refreshing chang
eye.
notbut
I started to walk, at 3:30,
I was not even at
bleeding 3:35, Herman, but at 3:47 — no, 3:47
inside.
The blank street a half!
turned —intoand asay to me,
rough “Ruta, dear, I have an idea: let’s go s
footpath.
the park.hit
The twilight’s murmur Youmyand me — just the two of us, Ruta. Let’s us park
brow.
the park
I could hear voices and get ourselves drunk on — on — Woodsman’s A
call out:
“How many dead? Thinking
How many on alldead?”that, dearest Herman, has given me
courage
A light fell on me. —...
Skin-and-bone.
I looked up. And there Oh were
Herman, just shut
a hundred starsup and listen. I’m talking about d
hung in the skysomething other than
like loose flowers sneaking me little gifts while my bac
on snow.
And I swore from turnedthat— daysomething significant,
on that they’d be myHerman,
sanctuary.to show me how you
And yes, I’d beabout
a thief,me. Before it’s over. Before we reach the end of our lives
but I wouldn’t we takehave
a can nothing to show for it but lost chances. Look at me, H
of beans,
man.
I’d just take, and take,Doandyoutake.
love me or not?
I’d out-thieve all the runts.
I’d dare them to catch me.
Cause I had the protection of the stars.
Only a constellation could cage me.

28 25
 HALF-LIFE
for me. But I want my fifteen minutes and more, and I’m running
out of road. Any guesses at what I’m going to do?
KatytheDarby
(She brings gun up slowly to point at his head.) . . .
Thought you wanted to live forever, Dirk? Well, here’s
how. . . .
Dramatic
I’m not going to kill myself. That’ll happen soon enough. No.
I’m going Jay, twenties
to ride the wave to thirties
of my notoriety for the last few months.
I’ll be up there with all the other celebrity assassins, except special
because I’m EnglishJay, anand English
female. journalist,
Even better. has kidnapped
I don’t haveand is holding
to feel too hostage
Dirk, aI’ll
bad about it, because former
knowmoviethat star
I have who’s now a from
removed U.S. Senator,
the planet to whom she
is speaking.person who would otherwise have spent his
a completely superfluous
dotage abusing unearned power. . . .
get: There’s
You’llJAY another
to live fast, meaning to half-life,
die comparatively youngby andtheleave
way,awhich
prettyis relevant here.
corpse. I mean,Ifthere’s
you’veonly never heard face-lifts
so many of Oppenheimera man can I assume
have beforeyou don’t know it,
so I’ll tell
he has to start shaving you. The
behind half-life
his ears, am Iofright? a radioactive substance is the length
(Pause.) of time — usually measured in years — that it takes for the ra-
Thought so. dioactivity
You haven’t it emits
got to dropDirk,
long, by half. Areyou’re
before you with me? . . .
a joke.
You’ll never be a grand So ifoldyoumanwalked through
of the screenHiroshima
or the Senate the day
— youafter they dropped
haven’t got the Oppenheimer’s
talent, and you’re baby, youthe
losing would looks. dieYou
of radiation
left acting sickness,
at whereas if
the top of your youcareer returned
— that fifty yearsbut
was wise, laterit’sallallyou’d get isfrom
downhill a higher
here. risk of cancer.
The rest of your Famelife has
willa be
half-life, like anything
lived out in public else. and Other
the worldstars will
shine brighter, and
watch you shrink pretty
and soon
fade. nobody can remember
They’ll watch you sag and whowrinkle;
Edmund Kean or Dan Leno
they’ll
see your eyes glazeor Rosalind
over and Franko were. The
your hands tremblemoreand famous,
little the longer the half-life.
by little
the image of you Likewhen if Shakespeare
you were young were awill radioactive
fade away.isotope, he’d probably be
You’ll kill
your own legend strontium-90,
by living too which
long.hasThink
a half-life
Marilyn,of several
Elvis,hundred
Bogart:years. Bear with
dying young is me. . . . You’re almost out of the zone. I can promise
the thing!
you, after this you’llIhave don’tuntouchable
want to diecultural
but I haven’t got a—
icon status choice.
maybeEverybody dies,
not along the linessomeofsoonerDiana, than
butothers.
you neverTough shit. But
actually I wantpup-
tortured people to remem-
ber my
pies so I’m guessing name. I want
canonization à lafresh
Johnflowers
Lennon onorthatJamesgrave,
Dean.or graffiti, barbed
It’s pretty muchwire, poisonreally.
win-win, ivy, I.don’t
. . care. Because being good doesn’t get you re-
What havemembered.
I got to lose? It might get you to heaven if you can be bothered to be-
lieve in it but it doesn’t get you in the history books. Most people
sublimate their desire to live forever by having children. They pass
on their genes and their work here is done. I’m told it makes you less
selfish. Got any kids? . . .
I don’t either, as you have probably guessed, so no immortal DNA

26 27
 HALF-LIFE
for me. But I want my fifteen minutes and more, and I’m running
out of road. Any guesses at what I’m going to do?
KatytheDarby
(She brings gun up slowly to point at his head.) . . .
Thought you wanted to live forever, Dirk? Well, here’s
how. . . .
Dramatic
I’m not going to kill myself. That’ll happen soon enough. No.
I’m going Jay, twenties
to ride the wave to thirties
of my notoriety for the last few months.
I’ll be up there with all the other celebrity assassins, except special
because I’m EnglishJay, anand English
female. journalist,
Even better. has kidnapped
I don’t haveand is holding
to feel too hostage
Dirk, aI’ll
bad about it, because former
knowmoviethat star
I have who’s now a from
removed U.S. Senator,
the planet to whom she
is speaking.person who would otherwise have spent his
a completely superfluous
dotage abusing unearned power. . . .
get: There’s
You’llJAY another
to live fast, meaning to half-life,
die comparatively youngby andtheleave
way,awhich
prettyis relevant h
corpse. I mean,Ifthere’s
you’veonly never heard face-lifts
so many of Oppenheimera man can I assume
have beforeyou don’t kno
so I’ll tell
he has to start shaving you. The
behind half-life
his ears, am Iofright? a radioactive substance is the le
(Pause.) of time — usually measured in years — that it takes for the
Thought so. dioactivity
You haven’t it emits
got to dropDirk,
long, by half. Areyou’re
before you with me? . . .
a joke.
You’ll never be a grand So ifoldyoumanwalked through
of the screenHiroshima
or the Senate the day
— youafter they drop
haven’t got the Oppenheimer’s
talent, and you’re baby, youthe
losing would looks. dieYou
of radiation
left acting sickness,
at where
the top of your youcareer returned
— that fifty yearsbut
was wise, laterit’sallallyou’d get isfrom
downhill a higher
here. risk of can
The rest of your Famelife has
willa be
half-life, like anything
lived out in public else. and Other
the worldstars will
shine brighter,
watch you shrink pretty
and soon
fade. nobody can remember
They’ll watch you sag and whowrinkle;
Edmund Kean or Dan L
they’ll
see your eyes glazeor Rosalind
over and Franko were. The
your hands tremblemoreand famous,
little the longer the half
by little
the image of you Likewhen if Shakespeare
you were young were awill radioactive
fade away.isotope, he’d probabl
You’ll kill
your own legend strontium-90,
by living too which
long.hasThink
a half-life
Marilyn,of several
Elvis,hundred
Bogart:years. Bear
dying young is me. . . . You’re almost out of the zone. I can promise
the thing!
you, after this you’llIhave don’tuntouchable
want to diecultural
but I haven’t got a—
icon status choice.
maybeEverybody
not along the linessomeofsoonerDiana, than
butothers.
you neverTough shit. But
actually I wantpup-
tortured people to rem
ber my
pies so I’m guessing name. I want
canonization à lafresh
Johnflowers
Lennon onorthatJamesgrave,
Dean.or graffiti, ba
It’s pretty muchwire, poisonreally.
win-win, ivy, I.don’t
. . care. Because being good doesn’t get yo
What havemembered.
I got to lose? It might get you to heaven if you can be bothered to
lieve in it but it doesn’t get you in the history books. Most pe
sublimate their desire to live forever by having children. They
on their genes and their work here is done. I’m told it makes you
selfish. Got any kids? . . .
I don’t either, as you have probably guessed, so no immortal D

26 27
Runt puts me on quinine for a week.
HELEN’S MOST FAVORITE DAY
“This bird is quarantined,” he said.
Mark
“She’s suffering fromDunn malaria.
Pay no heed to what she says. She’s got a head full of dreams.
Dreams and inventions. Cruel sort of disease.”
Comic
Quinine stuck to my throat.
Every timeRuta,
I askedforty-two
for water, all I got was a lime the size of a bull
penny: flat and round.
And King RuntRuta wouldis asking
come ainto
coy memanevery
named Herman if he loves her.
night,
four and five times. See, he was a Bible man. He didn’t like thieves.
When I got let :out,
RUTA Now, I know walk
I couldn’t this iswithout
not thefalling
reasontoI my
invited you over here, Her-
knees.
Runt wrote down man. onButsomethispaper
afternoon,
I had watching
a “chemicalyoudeficiency,”
sitting at your tidy little desk,
and there wasn’tdrudging
a doctorthrough
that couldyour daily
cure me.routine — then taking your 3:30 cof-
He made me sign fee the
break — at
paper precisely
with 3:30 — not 3:31, mind you — never, no
my teeth.
God forbid,
“Bit by an unlettered bird,”3:29. Enslaved to “same, same, same, same, same.” And
he wrote,
later whenofHelen
“an unlettered daughter came plains.”
the Kansas home and congratulated me on getting that
embarrassingly
And then a spurred boot hit my measly
rear honorable mention. For something I put all
and landed memy ontoheart and soul
a blank into. Like the way I’ve put my heart and soul into
street,
where every grainhoping against
of light andhope
dark that you’d some day get up from your desk and
walk over
seemed to be reaching to mymy
toward desk for a change, for a nice, refreshing change —
eye.
notbut
I started to walk, at 3:30,
I was not even at
bleeding 3:35, Herman, but at 3:47 — no, 3:47 and
inside.
The blank street a half!
turned —intoand asay
roughto me, “Ruta, dear, I have an idea: let’s go sit in
footpath.
the park.hit
The twilight’s murmur Youmyand me — just the two of us, Ruta. Let’s us park it in
brow.
the park
I could hear voices and get ourselves drunk on — on — Woodsman’s Axes!”
call out:
“How many dead? Thinking
How many on alldead?”that, dearest Herman, has given me the
courage
A light fell on me. —...
Skin-and-bone.
I looked up. And there Oh were
Herman, just shut
a hundred starsup and listen. I’m talking about doing
hung in the skysomething other than
like loose flowers sneaking me little gifts while my back is
on snow.
And I swore from turnedthat— daysomething significant,
on that they’d be myHerman,
sanctuary.to show me how you feel
And yes, I’d beabout
a thief,me. Before it’s over. Before we reach the end of our lives and
but I wouldn’t we takehave
a can nothing to show for it but lost chances. Look at me, Her-
of beans,
man.
I’d just take, and Doand
take, youtake.
love me or not?
I’d out-thieve all the runts.
I’d dare them to catch me.
Cause I had the protection of the stars.
Only a constellation could cage me.

28 25
HOW I different
GOT THAT PART
voices as she can muster.) I practice under the bed, like I’m u
the toadstool: BEWARE! I practice with all of the lights out in my r
Robert Pridham
to get into the mood: BEWARE! BEWARE! BEWARE! BEWARE! I sp
weeks getting it just right. I mean, I’m really getting good at it! It
be only one word, but it’s gonna be the one word nobody ever for
Seriocomic Who cares about the princess! Who cares about the second woman
Beth, ten to fourteenher dumb old wishing well. The star of this play is definitely gonn
“THE THIRD WOMAN WHO SITS UNDER THE TO
Auditioning for STOOL!!!”
a part in the middle school play is a do-or-die mat-
ter for one group of girls.
I justHere,
haveBeth
onereveals her ongoing
question: Who the battle
heckwith
is Dustin Hoffman
stage fright.

STAGE FRIGHT

BETH: I don’t know how any of this happened. My being here, I mean.
I don’t want to be in the play. Actually, I’d rather do almost anything
else you can think of than be in the play. Standing out there on the
stage? In front of all those people? (She shudders.) I think I’m just here
because everyone else is here. It’s like mass hysteria or something.
Everyone’s trying to be in the play, they’re all shouting and pushing
so I just run right along with them because it seems like the right
thing to do, right? I mean, I don’t want to be left out or anything.
My mother says: “Beth honey, the play is coming up soon and I hope
you’ll try out because you could really use a boost to your self-
confidence!” What’s wrong with my self-confidence? I don’t have any-
thing wrong with my self-confidence. I’m just quiet, that’s all. The
only thing wrong with my self-confidence is that my mother keeps
worrying that there’s something wrong with my self-confidence.
“I remember my first play,” she says, “and I remember how wonder-
ful it was to be up there in front of all those people! Just wonderful!”
Wonderful? Hah! You’re standing up there in the dark worrying that
you’ll forget your lines or sing the wrong note or fall off the edge of
the stage. And now here I am, standing up on the stage, and the di-
rector is saying: “Alright, I want big, big voices and lots of feeling!”
And my palms are all sweaty and my knees are shaking and I can’t

32 29
 OW I get
GOT THAT PART
my mouth to open and my tongue won’t work and I can’t breathe
and I’m starting to see spots in front of my eyes and I’m pretty sure
bert Pridham
I’m going to be dead in about three seconds.
What’s so wonderful about that?

mic
, ten to fourteen

Auditioning for a part in the middle school play is a do-or-die

matter for one group of girls. Here, Tyra tells us how she prepares
for her big opening night.

BIT PART

: There are no small parts, only small actors. That’s what my father
always says. And that’s what he said when I told him I was going to
be “The Third Woman Who Sits Under the Toadstool,” even though
I really wanted to be “The Second Woman Who Waits by the Wish-
ing Well.” See, the second woman is a much bigger part. Well, not
MUCH bigger, but she gets to have a whole scene with the princess,
which is about fifteen whole lines, and “The Third Woman Who Sits
Under the Toadstool” only says one word: BEWARE! That’s all she
says: BEWARE! I mean, you’d think they could figure out something
else for her to say: LOOK OUT! Maybe, or even WATCH OUT BE-
HIND YOU! Or even DON’T TURN AROUND OR YOU’LL SEE
THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE! My
father says that everyone has to start someplace. He says that even
Dustin Hoffman started out by playing parts with only one or two
lines, and Dustin Hoffman never complained. Dustin Hoffman just
went out there and did it. So I start thinking about my line. I mean,
if I only get to say one word, I might as well make sure it’s going to
be the one word everyone remembers. So I practice:
(A threatening voice.) BEWARE! (A different voice.) BEWARE!
(Still another voice.) BEWARE!
I practice with arm gestures: BEWARE! I practice with a scarf over
my head: BEWARE! (She is really getting into it now, trying out as many

30 31
HOW I get
GOT THAT PART
my mouth to open and my tongue won’t work and I can’t bre
and I’m starting to see spots in front of my eyes and I’m pretty
Robert Pridham
I’m going to be dead in about three seconds.
What’s so wonderful about that?

Comic
Tyra, ten to fourteen

Auditioning for a part in the middle school play is a do-or-die

matter for one group of girls. Here, Tyra tells us how she prepares
for her big opening night.

BIT PART

TYRA: There are no small parts, only small actors. That’s what my father
always says. And that’s what he said when I told him I was going to
be “The Third Woman Who Sits Under the Toadstool,” even though
I really wanted to be “The Second Woman Who Waits by the Wish-
ing Well.” See, the second woman is a much bigger part. Well, not
MUCH bigger, but she gets to have a whole scene with the princess,
which is about fifteen whole lines, and “The Third Woman Who Sits
Under the Toadstool” only says one word: BEWARE! That’s all she
says: BEWARE! I mean, you’d think they could figure out something
else for her to say: LOOK OUT! Maybe, or even WATCH OUT BE-
HIND YOU! Or even DON’T TURN AROUND OR YOU’LL SEE
THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE! My
father says that everyone has to start someplace. He says that even
Dustin Hoffman started out by playing parts with only one or two
lines, and Dustin Hoffman never complained. Dustin Hoffman just
went out there and did it. So I start thinking about my line. I mean,
if I only get to say one word, I might as well make sure it’s going to
be the one word everyone remembers. So I practice:
(A threatening voice.) BEWARE! (A different voice.) BEWARE!
(Still another voice.) BEWARE!
I practice with arm gestures: BEWARE! I practice with a scarf over
my head: BEWARE! (She is really getting into it now, trying out as many

30 31
OW I different
GOT THAT PART
voices as she can muster.) I practice under the bed, like I’m under
the toadstool: BEWARE! I practice with all of the lights out in my room,
bert Pridham
to get into the mood: BEWARE! BEWARE! BEWARE! BEWARE! I spend
weeks getting it just right. I mean, I’m really getting good at it! It may
be only one word, but it’s gonna be the one word nobody ever forgets!
ocomic Who cares about the princess! Who cares about the second woman and
, ten to fourteen
her dumb old wishing well. The star of this play is definitely gonna be
“THE THIRD WOMAN WHO SITS UNDER THE TOAD-
Auditioning for STOOL!!!”
a part in the middle school play is a do-or-die mat-
ter for one group of girls.
I justHere,
haveBeth
onereveals her ongoing
question: Who the battle
heckwith
is Dustin Hoffman?
stage fright.

STAGE FRIGHT

H: I don’t know how any of this happened. My being here, I mean.

I don’t want to be in the play. Actually, I’d rather do almost anything
else you can think of than be in the play. Standing out there on the
stage? In front of all those people? (She shudders.) I think I’m just here
because everyone else is here. It’s like mass hysteria or something.
Everyone’s trying to be in the play, they’re all shouting and pushing
so I just run right along with them because it seems like the right
thing to do, right? I mean, I don’t want to be left out or anything.
My mother says: “Beth honey, the play is coming up soon and I hope
you’ll try out because you could really use a boost to your self-
confidence!” What’s wrong with my self-confidence? I don’t have any-
thing wrong with my self-confidence. I’m just quiet, that’s all. The
only thing wrong with my self-confidence is that my mother keeps
worrying that there’s something wrong with my self-confidence.
“I remember my first play,” she says, “and I remember how wonder-
ful it was to be up there in front of all those people! Just wonderful!”
Wonderful? Hah! You’re standing up there in the dark worrying that
you’ll forget your lines or sing the wrong note or fall off the edge of
the stage. And now here I am, standing up on the stage, and the di-
rector is saying: “Alright, I want big, big voices and lots of feeling!”
And my palms are all sweaty and my knees are shaking and I can’t

32 29
HOW IDA
I GOT
LUPINO
THAT PART
IN THE DARK
Robert Pridham
Don Nigro

Comic Seriocomic
Amber, ten to fourteen
Minnie, twenties

Auditioning forMinnie
a part isina the
young middle
woman school play
who’s is a losing
slowly do-or-die
her mind. She pro-
matter for one group of girls.
tects herself by Here, Amber
retreating intotalks aboutprivate
a strange the night-
world in which she
mare of auditioning
sits ininthe
front
darkof and
her classmates.
imagines that she is the film star and pioneer-
ing woman director Ida Lupino, making her own weird black-and-
white movies AUDITIONS
in her head.

AMBER: Auditions. The: worst

MINNIE Sydneyword
Greenstreet
in the English
sweatslanguage.
under the
You
rotating
think the
ceiling fan, s
word EXAM ising bad?
onHah.
his hookah,
At leastwhile
with inanthe
exam twisted
you canlabyrinth
flop inoftheParis, Peter L
privacy of yourisownbeingmind.
chasedButbywitha severed
an audition,
hand. Sam there’s
Spade
no place
pourstohimself ano
hide. Good morning,
Scotch as I’mweAmber
flash back
Pearl,toandIngrid
I’m here
Bergmantodayweeping
to hu- in the ga
miliate and embarrass
while Cary
myself Grant
in thecreeps
most through
public way thepossible
moonlitbybedroom
doing window
whatever you tellPaganini’s
me to do,violin
no wails
matter likehow
a demon
stupidlover.
I feelSuddenly
doing it,ain huge black r
front of anybody flaps
whoin the
happens
window. to beCAWWW
sitting out CAWWW
there. OfCAWWW.
course, I You can
have no idea whatthe film
kindcricketing
of actress through
you’re looking
the sprockets.
for, but Boston
I’m pretty Blackie light
sure it’s not me.cigar,
But and
please
we — see sit
revealed
back, the
get face
comfortable,
of Veronica andLake,
watch
but Conrad V
in amazement is as lurking
this innocent
like a preying
young girl,
mantis who in never
the cobbled
wishedalleyway.
harm He is a
on anyone else vampire
in her life,
golem,
who’sthe always
zombiebeen servant
friendly of Bela
to animals
Lugosi.and Then, in the
recycles all of her
tance,
plastic
we hearto help
the sound
save the
of aenvironment,
lonely fog horn. becomes
It’s Spencer
a Tracy, h
source of never-ending
from King humorSolomon’s
for her Mines.
classmates.Scrub(Shetheassumes
poop deck,
the dif-Long John!
ferent voices andTugboat
attitudesAnnie.
of her classmates.)
All ashore “Did that’s you
going seeashore.
what Amber
It’s New York in
did for her audition?”
forties, “Omigosh
but they’vewhat all meta jerk!”
before, “What
in Morocco.
was she Bogie
think-has nightm
ing?” “She can’tinsing!”
which
“Shehecan’t
seesact!”
these“What
ceilingmadefans her
spinning
think sheforever.
couldHe got a to
try out in the first
of malaria
place?” from
“BackShanghai
to plumbingLil onschool!”
the roadYup,to Mandalay.
that’s me! Gray rain d
The Titanic! The off Hindenburg!
the brim of Orson The San Welles’
Francisco
hat, inEarthquake!
the sewers The under Grand C
whole city of Chicago
tral Station.
just before
Quiet,thatmy little
cow kicks
babushka.over the
No lantern!
one can be I’mtrusted in T
the biggest disaster
iers. There
in thearehistory
Nazi of spies
theeverywhere.
world! Claude Rains is invisible. Th
Just watchame microphone
shine!!!!! hidden in Adolph Menjou’s mustache. The Marx Br
ers are running through the Grand Hotel, past Buster Keaton, w

36 33
 HOW I GOT THAT PART
singing. My mom said it was because they didn’t have enough actors
to play the parts of the actors who don’t get parts. But I don’t
think so. Robert Pridham
What I think is that ALL plays should be like that. Everybody
who tries out should get a part. Everybody gets to sing and dance
Comic
and act. And wear a gold top hat!
Annie, ten to fourteen

Auditioning for a part in the middle school play is a do-or-die

experience for one group of girls. Here, Annie tells us what’s wrong
with the audition process — and how we should fix it.

CHORUS LINE

ANNIE: When I was in the fifth grade, my mother took me to see this play
at the little theater in the town where I live. It was called A Chorus
Line and that’s just what it was all about. A chorus line. Being in one,
I mean. See, there are all these actors and actresses trying to get a part
in this show — they never tell you what show it is, it’s just “the
show” — and it’s really, really important for them to get parts in it.
I mean, they’ll do just about anything to be in it. And there’s this di-
rector — he’s a character in the play, I mean a character in A Chorus
Line, not a character in the show they’re trying to do in A Chorus
Line — and he’s out in back of the audience in the dark, and he’s
telling these actors who are trying out that they aren’t good enough
to be in the show, you know, like “You can’t act, get off the stage!”
or “You, you can’t sing, get off the stage!” And he keeps waiting for
somebody better to come along or they’re not going to be able to do
the show at all, but he’s got all these actors and actresses who will do
anything to get a part and if somebody better doesn’t come along,
then they’re all he’s got. And he makes them dance until they prac-
tically fall down they’re so tired, and a couple of them start crying
because it’s like the end of the world if they don’t get in this show.
And after all that, at the very end, the whole chorus comes march-
ing out — and they’re ALL in it! Everybody who tried out! Every-
body gets a part! And they’re all in gold with top hats and they’re all

34 35
 HOW I GOT THAT PART
singing. My mom said it was because they didn’t have enough actors
to play the parts of the actors who don’t get parts. But I don’t
think so. Robert Pridham
What I think is that ALL plays should be like that. Everybody
who tries out should get a part. Everybody gets to sing and dance
Comic
and act. And wear a gold top hat!
Annie, ten to fourteen

Auditioning for a part in the middle school play is a do-or-die

experience for one group of girls. Here, Annie tells us what’s wrong
with the audition process — and how we should fix it.

CHORUS LINE

ANNIE: When I was in the fifth grade, my mother took me to see this
at the little theater in the town where I live. It was called A Ch
Line and that’s just what it was all about. A chorus line. Being in
I mean. See, there are all these actors and actresses trying to get a
in this show — they never tell you what show it is, it’s just
show” — and it’s really, really important for them to get parts i
I mean, they’ll do just about anything to be in it. And there’s thi
rector — he’s a character in the play, I mean a character in A Ch
Line, not a character in the show they’re trying to do in A Ch
Line — and he’s out in back of the audience in the dark, and
telling these actors who are trying out that they aren’t good eno
to be in the show, you know, like “You can’t act, get off the sta
or “You, you can’t sing, get off the stage!” And he keeps waiting
somebody better to come along or they’re not going to be able t
the show at all, but he’s got all these actors and actresses who wi
anything to get a part and if somebody better doesn’t come al
then they’re all he’s got. And he makes them dance until they p
tically fall down they’re so tired, and a couple of them start cr
because it’s like the end of the world if they don’t get in this s
And after all that, at the very end, the whole chorus comes ma
ing out — and they’re ALL in it! Everybody who tried out! Ev
body gets a part! And they’re all in gold with top hats and they’r

34 35
 OW IDA
I GOT
LUPINO
THAT PART
IN THE DARK
bert Pridham
Don Nigro

mic Seriocomic
ber, ten to fourteen
Minnie, twenties

Auditioning forMinnie
a part isina the
young woman
middle who’s
school slowly
play is a losing her mind. She pro-
do-or-die
tects herself
matter for one group by Here,
of girls. retreating
Amberintotalks
a strange
aboutprivate world in which she
the night-
sits ininthe
mare of auditioning darkof and
front imagines that she is the film star and pioneer-
her classmates.
ing woman director Ida Lupino, making her own weird black-and-
white movies in her head.
AUDITIONS

ER: Auditions. The: worst

MINNIE Sydneyword
Greenstreet
in the English
sweatslanguage.
under the
You
rotating
think the
ceiling fan, suck-
word EXAM ising bad?
onHah.
his hookah,
At leastwhile
with inanthe
exam twisted
you canlabyrinth
flop inoftheParis, Peter Lorre
privacy of yourisownbeingmind.
chasedButbywitha severed
an audition,
hand. Sam there’s
Spade
no place
pourstohimself another
hide. Good morning,
Scotch as I’mweAmber
flash back
Pearl,toandIngrid
I’m here
Bergmantodayweeping
to hu- in the gazebo
miliate and embarrass
while Cary
myself Grant
in thecreeps
most through
public way thepossible
moonlitbybedroom
doing window and
whatever you tellPaganini’s
me to do,violin
no wails
matter likehow
a demon
stupidlover.
I feelSuddenly
doing it,ain huge black raven
front of anybody flaps
whoin the
happens
window. to beCAWWW
sitting out CAWWW
there. OfCAWWW.
course, I You can hear
have no idea whatthe film
kindcricketing
of actress through
you’re looking
the sprockets.
for, but Boston
I’m pretty Blackie lights his
sure it’s not me.cigar,
But and
please
we — see sit
revealed
back, the
get face
comfortable,
of Veronica andLake,
watch
but Conrad Veidt
in amazement is as lurking
this innocent
like a preying
young girl,
mantis who in never
the cobbled
wishedalleyway.
harm He is a Nazi
on anyone else vampire
in her life,
golem,
who’sthe always
zombiebeen servant
friendly of Bela
to animals
Lugosi.and Then, in the dis-
recycles all of her
tance,
plastic
we hearto help
the sound
save the
of aenvironment,
lonely fog horn. becomes
It’s Spencer
a Tracy, home
source of never-ending
from King humorSolomon’s
for her Mines.
classmates.Scrub(Shetheassumes
poop deck,
the dif-Long John! cries
ferent voices andTugboat
attitudesAnnie. All ashore “Did
of her classmates.) that’s you
going seeashore. It’s New York in the
what Amber
forties, “Omigosh
did for her audition?” but they’vewhat all met before,
a jerk!” in Morocco.
“What was she Bogie
think-has nightmares
ing?” “She can’tin which
sing!” “Shehecan’t
seesact!”
these“What
ceilingmadefans her
spinning
think sheforever.
couldHe got a touch
of malaria
try out in the first place?” from
“BackShanghai
to plumbingLil onschool!”
the roadYup,to Mandalay.
that’s me! Gray rain drips
The Titanic! The off Hindenburg!
the brim of Orson The San Welles’ hat, inEarthquake!
Francisco the sewers The under Grand Cen-
tral Station.
whole city of Chicago Quiet,that
just before my little babushka.
cow kicks No lantern!
over the one can be I’mtrusted in Tang-
iers. There
the biggest disaster in theare Nazi of
history spies
theeverywhere.
world! Claude Rains is invisible. There’s
Just watchame microphone
shine!!!!! hidden in Adolph Menjou’s mustache. The Marx Broth-
ers are running through the Grand Hotel, past Buster Keaton, who’s

36 33
sharing a corned beef sandwich with Francis the Talking Mule. They’ve
IN THE CONTINUUM
got to win back the circus for Maureen O’Sullivan in the big horse
race at theDanai
Bowery. WouldGurira and shut
you please Nikkole
the door?Salter
I’m trying to
work in here. Places for the big waterfall number. Virgins on the right.
Quiet on the set. OK. Roll ’em. The fog rolls in over Baker Street.
Marlene Dietrich
Seriocomicwants to hire Philip Marlowe, who keeps getting
phone callsSex
from Erich von Stroheim,
Worker, could who’s dead. Ann Sothern is his
be any age.
wise-cracking secretary. Meanwhile, in the dark house in the coun-
try, George Brent
Thisis character
trying toisdrive Merle prostitute,
an African Oberon insane.
talking He’s
to anstran-
old high school ch
gled Rhonda Fleming under the spiral staircase.
who has asked her advice. She enters smoking. Boris Karloff is
burying ZaSu Pitts in the garden while Lon Chaney fingers his organ
in the subterranean
SEX WORKER catacombs.
: Dahling, His son Larry
dahling, turnsHow
dahling. to a wolf when hell am I
the bloody
the wolfbane blooms,
posed toand at the
know gypsy
how caravan,
to make Aquanetta
a man has the
fall asleep so you can p
bumps on her read by Marya Ouspenskaya, who gazes deep into her
n’yanga’s potion on his penis? Don’t believe those stories about p
crystal monkeytitutes
and warns her to
stealing thebeware
penisesof of
George
men whoZucco. As the
don’t pay.rain
It’s bullshit! W
falls on Castle Frankenstein, Charlie Chan arrives. Great Scott,
it wasn’t. (Starts to sit, gets back up.) Just give a secondWat- my dah
son, what a fool(Gets
I’vesome
been!tissue,
Pray wipes
God we may her
between notlegs.)
be too late!a messy bastard. (S
What
Right, shit, you’ve got yourself into a pot of poo my girl. Who w
have thought Miss Priss Abigail would get herself in such a bind
me help you out my sister, since you have come to your old
school chum for advice. You have to face the truth. Your marria
ova. You think you make him stay? You know how these men
He will blame you for everything, even though you got it from
And the in-laws! Do you remember Elizabeth Chidzero? It happ
to her! Sent back to her village, penniless, the kids taken by the
tard and his family, even though she got it from him! Now she is w
ing up to the cockerels singing “kokoriko” — dancing at those fuc
village pungwes for those old farts and washing in the river, while
sick as a bloody dog! You think it won’t happen to you? You’ll
yourself back in your village, grinding corn singing dum dum d
dum dum duri. Ha, and you were always the one who was goin
go to America or something and become rich and famous. Wha
you say your man’s name was again? AHHHH (Deep in thought,
looks back at Abigail.) All I’ll say is I am not surprised. Shame.
best thing I can offer you my sister is a new lifestyle. Leave the
tard. He gave you AIDS! I can hook you up with a nice benefic

40 37
 IN THE CONTINUUM
term? In this economy?!! It’s a mess. And where does one begin to
try and help? . . .
Danai
. . . there is not evenGurira any bloody andpetrol! NikkoleThis is NOT Salter the coun-
try we grew up! How do you survive? anyway, concerning the whole
AIDS issue — I’m actually trying to get some statistics — that’s why
I was at theSeriocomic
clinic — naturally the head nurse was on a two hour lunch
or something! Petronella,
Zimboes! African,
I don’tcould
knowbe anysort
what age,ofthirties
recordstothese fiftiesclin-
ics even keep — I’m trying to find out how many expecting moth-
ers test positive In — the IContinuum
am almost deals scaredwith AIDS—
to hear as just
it affects
bloody African and
heartbreaking. And African-American
you know, I am women. Petronella is
really beginning toawonder
well-to-do about woman who
Western solutions works in support
in general, how of much
variouscan causes.
they really help us? They
don’t know us!! And we always look to them as our source of hope
and redemption! We’ve: been
PETRONELLA . . . oh you got those
programmed! Everhere?
sinceTheyschoollookman, justdo look just like the
you remember Stella how we McCartney
loved to study pumpslike I bought at Harrods.
the Jonathan SwiftsI and actually know her
the bloody Janepersonally,
Austens!!! she What gave didme weahave pair to—do shewith
couldn’t
their givebloody them to her step-
worlds! But wemother loved it—and shelooked
only hasdown one leg! Didown
at our you stuff!
say you worked ZBC? Oh,
I have
since read Chinua (Laughs.)
Achebe, no,Yvonne
I am sorry, Vera,I just got like
people backthat!
home Theyso Iaream still adjusting
amazing, our OWN to all the lingo,
stuff. Andsomeone
this music! the other
Lovemoreday called
— turn it Dead
that BC. Good for
down! We haveyou ourthough hey! Youbut
own hip-hop, weremost alwaysif ita great
sounds public
like speaker!
they’re Careful Love-
trying to be bloodymore! American!
God, the way It’speople
the same drivewith
in this
this,country! In England he would
I am telling
you, we have the have been arrested
answers and we on don’ttheknowspot! it.
Me,I have
oh, wellbeen. . think-
. I went abroad soon
ing a lot about after
our own hightraditional
school, toAFRICAN study at Londonhealing.SchoolI am not ofsay-
Economics, I was
ing they have the there
curesfororboth my undergrad
whatever, but there and my masters,inInternational
is something it, you Relations
can’t argue that.with a focus on
Remember SisiHuman
Thembi? Rights
. . . and Gender Development, and I am
. . . she wasstill
suchthere mostly,
a mad mad, I work
MAD, as awoman,
consultant for big
I can’t organizations,
believe she the UN,
is in the churchOXFAM,
now! Oh stuff what like
a shamethat.— Right now, Ihow
remember haveshe been sworereally focused on
by witch doctors? HIVRemember
and Southern howAfrican
her daughterwomenhad andsomeof coursesicknessall the big organi-
no one could figurezations outabroad
— sheare said going to hiredoctor
her witch me right? — sorryPerfect — poster
tra- child — but
ditional healer I—can’t fixedcomplain,
it! She had I’veto been
do some working
strange with DATA
things but — it Debt, AIDS,
worked and nothing Trade,else Africa
did.— Bonois—
There he’s a rock
something tostar
it I —
tellhasyou. anOh,organization, they
wooah, what are flyyou
medoingeverywhere,
the car Iis do stillthe research,
moving. tell them
(Getting out ofhow car, to help, where
yelling.) You work to spend
for ZBC their— money
do you —hostso now thatI amshow home for a moment.
Breaking New And home
Ground? I reallyis want
so sadtohey, be onit’s it,
breaking
I think my heart!!
I have a lotAndto sayon that
one wants
the to give Zim
country needs to anything
hear, I hey! Global Fund,
am breaking new UN, bloody andground
we need. .it. so badly, even though
they are manufacturing some drugs here, they are not the best kind
and how is anyone supposed to find the money to pay for them long

38 39
 IN THE CONTINUUM
term? In this economy?!! It’s a mess. And where does one begin to
try and help? . . .
Danai
. . . there is not evenGurira any bloody andpetrol! NikkoleThis is NOT Salter the coun-
try we grew up! How do you survive? anyway, concerning the whole
AIDS issue — I’m actually trying to get some statistics — that’s why
I was at theSeriocomic
clinic — naturally the head nurse was on a two hour lunch
or something! Petronella,
Zimboes! African,
I don’tcould
knowbe anysort
what age,ofthirties
recordstothese fiftiesclin-
ics even keep — I’m trying to find out how many expecting moth-
ers test positive In — the IContinuum
am almost deals scaredwith AIDS—
to hear as just
it affects
bloody African and
heartbreaking. And African-American
you know, I am women. Petronella is
really beginning toawonder
well-to-do about woman who
Western solutions works in support
in general, how of much
variouscan causes.
they really help us? They
don’t know us!! And we always look to them as our source of hope
and redemption! We’ve: been
PETRONELLA . . . oh you got those
programmed! Everhere?
sinceTheyschoollookman, justdo look just like
you remember Stella how we McCartney
loved to study pumpslike I bought at Harrods.
the Jonathan SwiftsI and actually know
the bloody Janepersonally,
Austens!!! she What gave didme weahave pair to—do shewith
couldn’t
their givebloody them to her s
worlds! But wemother loved it—and shelooked
only hasdown one leg! Didown
at our you stuff!
say you worked ZBC?
I have
since read Chinua (Laughs.)
Achebe, no,Yvonne
I am sorry, Vera,I just got like
people backthat!
home Theyso Iaream still adjus
amazing, our OWN to all the lingo,
stuff. Andsomeone
this music! the other
Lovemoreday called
— turn it Dead
that BC. Good
down! We haveyou ourthough hey! Youbut
own hip-hop, weremost alwaysif ita great
sounds public
like speaker!
they’re Careful L
trying to be bloodymore! American!
God, the way It’speople
the same drivewith
in this
this,country! In England he w
I am telling
you, we have the have been arrested
answers and we on don’ttheknowspot! it.
Me,I have
oh, wellbeen. . think-
. I went abroad
ing a lot about after
our own hightraditional
school, toAFRICAN study at Londonhealing.SchoolI am not ofsay-
Economics, I
ing they have the there
curesfororboth my undergrad
whatever, but there and my masters,inInternational
is something it, you Relat
can’t argue that.with a focus on
Remember SisiHuman
Thembi? Rights
. . . and Gender Development, and
. . . she wasstill
suchthere mostly,
a mad mad, I work
MAD, as awoman,
consultant for big
I can’t organizations,
believe she the
is in the churchOXFAM,
now! Oh stuff what like
a shamethat.— Right now, Ihow
remember haveshe been sworereally focused
by witch doctors? HIVRemember
and Southern howAfrican
her daughterwomenhad andsomeof coursesicknessall the big org
no one could figurezations outabroad
— sheare said going to hiredoctor
her witch me right? — sorryPerfect — poster
tra- child —
ditional healer I—can’t fixedcomplain,
it! She had I’veto been
do some working
strange with DATA
things but — it Debt, AI
worked and nothing Trade,else Africa
did.— Bonois—
There he’s a rock
something tostar
it I —
tellhasyou. anOh,organization,
wooah, what are flyyou
medoingeverywhere,
the car Iis do stillthe research,
moving. tell them
(Getting out ofhow car, to help, w
yelling.) You work to spend
for ZBC their— money
do you —hostso now thatI amshow home for a moment.
Breaking New And h
Ground? I reallyis want
so sadtohey, be onit’s it,
breaking
I think my heart!!
I have a lotAndto sayon that
one wants
the to give
country needs to anything
hear, I hey! Global Fund,
am breaking new UN, bloody andground
we need. .it. so badly, even tho
they are manufacturing some drugs here, they are not the best
and how is anyone supposed to find the money to pay for them

38 39
sharing a corned beef sandwich with Francis the Talking Mule. They’ve
IN THE CONTINUUM
got to win back the circus for Maureen O’Sullivan in the big horse
race at theDanai
Bowery. WouldGurira and shut
you please Nikkole
the door?Salter
I’m trying to
work in here. Places for the big waterfall number. Virgins on the right.
Quiet on the set. OK. Roll ’em. The fog rolls in over Baker Street.
Marlene Dietrich
Seriocomicwants to hire Philip Marlowe, who keeps getting
phone callsSex
from Erich von Stroheim,
Worker, could who’s dead. Ann Sothern is his
be any age.
wise-cracking secretary. Meanwhile, in the dark house in the coun-
try, George Brent
Thisis character
trying toisdrive Merle prostitute,
an African Oberon insane.
talking He’s
to anstran-
old high school chum,
gled Rhonda Fleming under the spiral staircase.
who has asked her advice. She enters smoking. Boris Karloff is
burying ZaSu Pitts in the garden while Lon Chaney fingers his organ
in the subterranean
SEX WORKER catacombs.
: Dahling, His son Larry
dahling, turnsHow
dahling. to a wolf when hell am I sup-
the bloody
the wolfbane blooms,
posed toand at the
know gypsy
how caravan,
to make Aquanetta
a man has the
fall asleep so you can put a
bumps on her read by Marya Ouspenskaya, who gazes deep into her
n’yanga’s potion on his penis? Don’t believe those stories about pros-
crystal monkeytitutes
and warns her to
stealing thebeware
penisesof of
George
men whoZucco. As the
don’t pay.rain
It’s bullshit! Wish
falls on Castle Frankenstein, Charlie Chan arrives. Great Scott,
it wasn’t. (Starts to sit, gets back up.) Just give a secondWat- my dahling.
son, what a fool(Gets
I’vesome
been!tissue,
Pray wipes
God we may her
between notlegs.)
be too late!a messy bastard. (Sits.)
What
Right, shit, you’ve got yourself into a pot of poo my girl. Who would
have thought Miss Priss Abigail would get herself in such a bind! Let
me help you out my sister, since you have come to your old high
school chum for advice. You have to face the truth. Your marriage is
ova. You think you make him stay? You know how these men are!
He will blame you for everything, even though you got it from him.
And the in-laws! Do you remember Elizabeth Chidzero? It happened
to her! Sent back to her village, penniless, the kids taken by the bas-
tard and his family, even though she got it from him! Now she is wak-
ing up to the cockerels singing “kokoriko” — dancing at those fucking
village pungwes for those old farts and washing in the river, while she’s
sick as a bloody dog! You think it won’t happen to you? You’ll find
yourself back in your village, grinding corn singing dum dum duri,
dum dum duri. Ha, and you were always the one who was going to
go to America or something and become rich and famous. What did
you say your man’s name was again? AHHHH (Deep in thought, then
looks back at Abigail.) All I’ll say is I am not surprised. Shame. The
best thing I can offer you my sister is a new lifestyle. Leave the bas-
tard. He gave you AIDS! I can hook you up with a nice beneficiary

40 37
who will take such
wholegoodslewcare
of other
of you stuff
mytolove,
think
youabout.
will never
Real loveneedlast forever,
that man of your so do
again.
realHemistakes.
will give you enough cash get the med-
icine, save your baby! (ToIt’s nicer to
Imani.) Yes,feel a beautiful
they do, huh?piece of lifedo!push-
Yes they And I’ma tell
ing out of you than a dead
just like piece
I tol’ them,of flesh
yes Icoming
am, yesinside
I am!you.
You Youonlycan
got me ’til y
take your son stay in yourThat’s
eighteen. own place.
it! * (ToTake careThat’s
Nia.) of the man
it. Noweveryyounow
can go on in
and then. Get thebackdoughs,
and getbuy $60the drugs.
outta myAnd
purseyou
so will
thatlive
yousocanmuch
get a room to
longer futi. Andfornothebullshit
night,in-law
cuz you stress.
can’tWhat have you
stay here. gotgonna
I ain’t to loselet ya’ll run
my dahling? You thinkforever.
world this lifestyle is planned?
You grown, The economy
remember. And I ain’t is shit,
gonna let you s
my dear. I was this
a secretary,
man away. couldn’t
Uh, uh. pay One
for my rent,four
down couldn’t
to go.pay for
my electric, couldn’tLookpay for my DSTV!
at them. And IStop
Hey! HEY! was sprayin’
not going backontothem walls,
paint
watching Deadshit BC.ain’t
Noart.*
offense.
(SheSo I did it once, did it twice, next
exits.)
thing you know I had a business. Listen, there is nothing wrong with
being a kept woman, it’s the least these bastards can do for us. And
these Africa men, they love to flex their dollars, makes their dicks hard.
So, it’s there for the taking. You have to decide what’s more impor-
tant to you. Remain Miss Priss Abigail, or become a survivor because
you can’t save both your marriage and that baby. You can keep quiet
about it, act as if nothing is wrong and die horribly — watching your
kid die too, all because you wanted to remain the perfect little shona
wife. Which many have done. Or you can take care of yourself and
your child. Personally, I want to be a mother. I have this one guy, he’s
a client, a really nice guy hey! He wants me to have his baby. He say,
no condoms. Saka, me I say why not! It’s important to be a mother,
it’s the one thing we can do that these bastards can’t! This is just a
hope for me, but you, you have children, so be a mother. And for-
get about that potion girlie. Those n’yangas are mad. If they had any-
thing that worked, Africa wouldn’t even have AIDS. (Looks outside.)
Shit! Sorry beby, a new customer — this one needs a little bit more
time. One of those old government chef bastards. The machinery takes
a little longer to oil. Abi, Abigail — you have to do something, you
can’t keep running around like Speedy Gonzales! It’s the best offer
you are going to get! (Puts out cigarette, straightens out wig and shirt,
looks over at client approaching.) Hi, howzit!?

44 41
 IN THE CONTINUUM
behind my back askin’ Marvin for the money. I thought you didn’t
like him. He ain’tcha daddy, so stop askin’ him fo’ shit. (To Imani.)
Huh? He’sDanai
yo’ daddy,Gurira huh? Yo’ daddy!and(ToNikkole Nia.) You should Salter ask that
lil’ boyfriend of yours, Darnell, for $400. He’ll buy them pants for
you . . . since he the one like to get in ’em so often. Don’t think I
didn’t ustaDramatic
hear your little narrow behind climbin’ out the window
to go oochieMama,
coochie African, thirties
with that boy.toLike forties
you the first one discovered
how to sneak out the house. I invented that shit. I already been every-
where you been, InNia.
the Continuum
And I was just is atryin’
play tothatkeep
dealsyour
withfastAIDS among African
ass from
goin’ to half of and
them African-American
places. OH! But women. Here, Mama
you grown! Well, I’mais chastising
tell yo’her daugh-
grown ass this: Iter. (* =you
know Imani,
like six-month-old
him, and he look baby,likecrying.)
he goin’ places,*
but don’t end up pregnant, Nia. Cuz once you turn this switch on,
you can’t turn
MAMA it: off,
*Hey! andHey!!
I’ma Getdamnedoffa my if I grass!
end upGet offa your
raisin’ my grasskids and take your
cuz you couldn’t Funyion bag with Oh,
use a condom. you. OH! (To herself.) Bad ass
(To Imani.) Shekids.
woman (Beat.) *Well, well,
well.but
enough to do that, I knew you’dtalk
she can’t come theback.
talk.Lemme
(To Nia.) guess:
What Theywoulddidn’t believe your
you rather I say,lies about
Ms. Nia?the Good
Strap on Shepherd
the jimmy? either? Youballoon
Pull the thoughtover it was gon’ be easy
as that.
the sausage? Please, I wish Well, life is not
somebody hadeasy,
told guess
me aboutyouthishaveshit,
to half-
learn the hard way.
a ya’ll wouldn’t And nowAnd
be here. you now
wanna come
days, youback. I’m still
can catch all goin’
kindatostuff. family court off of
Stuff you can’t theget shit
rid you pulled;
of cuz it getsanger management,
in your blood. Trust freakin’
me: parenting
three classes like
I don’tbellies
minutes of slappin’ knowain’t
whatworththe hell I’m doin’,
death. and you
And that’s what wannait is,come back just
death. * What?like It’s athat? No apology,
government no nothin’?
experiment. And then
They’ve done you got the nerve to ask
it before
me for
and will do it again. You$400
think—it’show you gon’ paythat
consequential mewe back?
the You
onesgot gota job? You look
it the most outlike a damn prostitute,
of everybody. They been what are to
tryin’ yougetwearin’?
rid of us It’ssince
nine o’clock in the
the Emancipation.morning,
First theywalkin’
lynched’round like you
us, then theybeen
got us walkin’
high sothe theystreets.
could put us in prison. (Seriously.)
Then they Is you
got walkin’
the onesthe thatstreets, Nia?
ain’t incarcerated
to shoot up each other Don’tandget
nowsmart
they with
brought me!this hopin’ that we fuck
ourselves to death. And Thenyou what you they
know need got$400 for, huh?
a cure. What Probably
you think some Guess jeans.
What
the whole civilian rights happened
was about? to That’s
the money why theyfromreally
yourassassinated
poetry contest? Ain’t no-
bodyuspayin’
Martin: to distract from you to put’ch’a
the monkey little rhymes
fuckers that broughttogether no more? Ain’t got
it back
from Africa to nokilljob,
us. no Andplace
theytokilled
live, but spend cuz,
Malcolm all yo’ontime
his writin’
pilgrim- poetry and shop-
age, he found outpin’ who— forthe $400 Guessfuckers
monkey jeans. Are theyYou
were. self-cleaning?
got to know Do they pay rent?
your history. It’sIf outta
anybody’s gettin’
control — $400 ’round here, ‘guess’ who it’s gonna be — ME.
I’m tired
I know, I know, youoflove
comin’
Darnell.second to ya’ll.
Darnell loveI you.
can’t Ya’ll
remember
invin- the last time I
hadI me
cible in love. Yes, know. some lotion
I was or some
in love new times.
too. Five panties.Remember
Besides, you grown, re-
that. All I had member?
to worryAnd aboutus grown
was gettin’folk, we pay for our
pregnant, but ownyou shit.
got aYou old enough.
Hell, when I was nineteen I was * — And don’t think you slick goin’

42 43
 IN THE CONTINUUM
behind my back askin’ Marvin for the money. I thought you didn’t
like him. He ain’tcha daddy, so stop askin’ him fo’ shit. (To Imani.)
Huh? He’sDanai
yo’ daddy,Gurira huh? Yo’ daddy!and(ToNikkole Nia.) You should Salter ask that
lil’ boyfriend of yours, Darnell, for $400. He’ll buy them pants for
you . . . since he the one like to get in ’em so often. Don’t think I
didn’t ustaDramatic
hear your little narrow behind climbin’ out the window
to go oochieMama,
coochie African, thirties
with that boy.toLike forties
you the first one discovered
how to sneak out the house. I invented that shit. I already been every-
where you been, InNia.
the Continuum
And I was just is atryin’
play tothatkeep
dealsyour
withfastAIDS among African
ass from
goin’ to half of and
them African-American
places. OH! But women. Here, Mama
you grown! Well, I’mais chastising
tell yo’her daugh-
grown ass this: Iter. (* =you
know Imani,
like six-month-old
him, and he look baby,likecrying.)
he goin’ places,*
but don’t end up pregnant, Nia. Cuz once you turn this switch on,
you can’t turn
MAMA it: off,
*Hey! andHey!!
I’ma Getdamnedoffa my if I grass!
end upGet offa your
raisin’ my grasskids and take
cuz you couldn’t Funyion bag with Oh,
use a condom. you. OH! (To herself.) Bad ass
(To Imani.) Shekids.
woman (Beat.) *Well,
well.but
enough to do that, I knew you’dtalk
she can’t come theback.
talk.Lemme
(To Nia.) guess:
What Theywoulddidn’t believe
you rather I say,lies
Ms.aboutNia?the Good
Strap on Shepherd
the jimmy? either? Youballoon
Pull the thoughtover it was gon’ be
as that.
the sausage? Please, I wish Well, life is not
somebody hadeasy,
told guess
me aboutyouthishaveshit,
to half-
learn the hard
a ya’ll wouldn’t And nowAnd
be here. you now
wanna come
days, youback. I’m still
can catch all goin’
kindatostuff. family court o
Stuff you can’t theget shit
rid you pulled;
of cuz it getsanger management,
in your blood. Trust freakin’
me: parenting
three classes
I don’tbellies
minutes of slappin’ knowain’t
whatworththe hell I’m doin’,
death. and you
And that’s what wannait is,come back
death. * What?like It’s athat? No apology,
government no nothin’?
experiment. And then
They’ve done you got the nerve to
it before
me for
and will do it again. You$400
think—it’show you gon’ paythat
consequential mewe back?
the You
onesgot gota job? You
it the most outlike a damn prostitute,
of everybody. They been what are to
tryin’ yougetwearin’?
rid of us It’ssince
nine o’clock in
the Emancipation.morning,
First theywalkin’
lynched’round like you
us, then theybeen
got us walkin’
high sothe theystreets.
could put us in prison. (Seriously.)
Then they Is you
got walkin’
the onesthe thatstreets, Nia?
ain’t incarcerated
to shoot up each other Don’tandget
nowsmart
they with
brought me!this hopin’ that we fuck
ourselves to death. And Thenyou what you they
know need got$400 for, huh?
a cure. What Probably
you think some Guess je
What
the whole civilian rights happened
was about? to That’s
the money why theyfromreally
yourassassinated
poetry contest? Ain’t
bodyuspayin’
Martin: to distract from you to put’ch’a
the monkey little rhymes
fuckers that broughttogether no more? Ain’
it back
from Africa to nokilljob,
us. no Andplace
theytokilled
live, but spend cuz,
Malcolm all yo’ontime
his writin’
pilgrim- poetry and s
age, he found outpin’ who— forthe $400 Guessfuckers
monkey jeans. Are theyYou
were. self-cleaning?
got to know Do they pay r
your history. It’sIf outta
anybody’s gettin’
control — $400 ’round here, ‘guess’ who it’s gonna be —
I’m tired
I know, I know, youoflove
comin’
Darnell.second to ya’ll.
Darnell loveI you.
can’t Ya’ll
remember
invin- the last ti
hadI me
cible in love. Yes, know. some lotion
I was or some
in love new times.
too. Five panties.Remember
Besides, you grown
that. All I had member?
to worryAnd aboutus grown
was gettin’folk, we pay for our
pregnant, but ownyou shit.
got aYou old eno
Hell, when I was nineteen I was * — And don’t think you slick g

42 43
who will take such
wholegoodslewcare
of other
of you stuff
mytolove,
think
youabout.
will never
Real loveneedlast forever, but
that man of your so do
again.
realHemistakes.
will give you enough cash get the med-
icine, save your baby! (ToIt’s
Imani.)
nicer toYes,feel
they
a beautiful
do, huh?piece
Yes they
of lifedo!push-
And I’ma tell you,
ing out of you than
just like
a deadI tol’
piece
them,of flesh
yes Icoming
am, yesinside
I am!you.
You Youonlycan
got me ’til you’re
take your son stay
eighteen.
in yourThat’s
own place.
it! * (ToTakeNia.)
careThat’s
of the man
it. Noweveryyounow
can go on in the
and then. Get thebackdoughs,
and getbuy $60theoutta
drugs.
myAnd
purseyou
so will
thatlive
yousocanmuch
get a room to rent
longer futi. Andfornothebullshit
night,in-law
cuz you stress.
can’tWhat
stay here.
have youI ain’t
gotgonna
to loselet ya’ll run my
my dahling? You world
thinkforever.
this lifestyle
You grown,
is planned?
remember.
The economy
And I ain’t is shit,
gonna let you scare
my dear. I was this
a secretary,
man away. couldn’t
Uh, uh. pay One
for my down
rent,four
couldn’t
to go.pay for
my electric, couldn’tLookpay for
at them.
my DSTV!Hey! HEY!
And IStop
was sprayin’
not going paint
backontothem walls, that
watching Deadshit BC.ain’t
Noart.* (SheSo
offense. exits.)
I did it once, did it twice, next
thing you know I had a business. Listen, there is nothing wrong with
being a kept woman, it’s the least these bastards can do for us. And
these Africa men, they love to flex their dollars, makes their dicks hard.
So, it’s there for the taking. You have to decide what’s more impor-
tant to you. Remain Miss Priss Abigail, or become a survivor because
you can’t save both your marriage and that baby. You can keep quiet
about it, act as if nothing is wrong and die horribly — watching your
kid die too, all because you wanted to remain the perfect little shona
wife. Which many have done. Or you can take care of yourself and
your child. Personally, I want to be a mother. I have this one guy, he’s
a client, a really nice guy hey! He wants me to have his baby. He say,
no condoms. Saka, me I say why not! It’s important to be a mother,
it’s the one thing we can do that these bastards can’t! This is just a
hope for me, but you, you have children, so be a mother. And for-
get about that potion girlie. Those n’yangas are mad. If they had any-
thing that worked, Africa wouldn’t even have AIDS. (Looks outside.)
Shit! Sorry beby, a new customer — this one needs a little bit more
time. One of those old government chef bastards. The machinery takes
a little longer to oil. Abi, Abigail — you have to do something, you
can’t keep running around like Speedy Gonzales! It’s the best offer
you are going to get! (Puts out cigarette, straightens out wig and shirt,
looks over at client approaching.) Hi, howzit!?

44 41
IN THE you’re
CONTINUUM
Up now, but here comes Failure, you might as well thro
the towel. And if a baby could feel all right, up in the air, in a p
Danai Gurirasoaring
andalong,
Nikkole Salterfreedom from all that pulls her do
could experience
if she could learn that, can’t you maybe imagine that she could
free of a bunch of other shit, too? That we’d grow as a species
Dramatic triumph? And change, and growth, and all that are possible?
Nia, late teens, early twenties
She’s flying. She’s flying.

Nia, a young African-American woman, is pregnant by a future pro

basketball star, who has given her a check for $5,000 to get the mat-
ter taken care of and then to go away. Here, she is talking to her
unborn child.

NIA: (Drunk.) It smell like booty. I wish I could fly away. Dirty-ass motel.
Guess what baby. Guess what? (Dumping her purse.) Today your
mommy opened her purse to see how much money she had and she
had a five dollar bill and a $5,000 check. $5,000. (Folding up the check
and putting it aside.) No, baby, we don’t need his money. No, we don’t!
Mommy will go tomorrow and see if they still want her at Nordstrom.
What was they payin’? Five dollars. No baby, no, we can do it. Come
on, I’ma show you. We just have to budget. (Tearing a piece of the
five dollar bill with each item.) This, this right here is for my retire-
ment fund. Cuz Oprah says you should pay yourself first. This, this
is for your college fund, cuz you going to college. This for rent . . .
on our mansion in Beverly Hills. And my Mercedes. What else? What
else you want baby? Oh yeah. Gas, water, and lights. That’s it. That
the life right there, baby. You got, retirement, college, mansion, Mer-
cedes, gas, water, lights. Yeah! Ooooo! Mommy forgot to put food in
the budget! How mommy forget about the food? But there’s no more
money. $5,000. (She breaks down in tears.) He knew! He knew! And
he knows you’re his baby cuz he the one made me pregnant. And she
thinks she can throw $5,000 at me and I’ma just be quiet? $5,000
dollars. I sold myself for $5,000. That’s how much I cost. No baby,
that’s how much you cost. (Balling up the check and throwing it down.)
No, no, we don’t need his money. This is what we gonna do, baby.
(Picking up the pieces of the five dollar bill.) We’ll make the light money

48 45
MMY the
CARTER WAS
food money. Cuz we gotta eat, but we don’t need no lights. We
don’t need no lights let the muthafuckas burn! (She b-boxes and makes
DEMOCRAT
a beat on the furniture.) Come on, baby. Cuz we got, what we got?
What we got!? Huh? We got, we got
ne Groff Sunlight
Insight
Out of sight — out of mind.
matic
y, twenties to thirties

Hoping for a better, more secure life with her new boyfriend, Emily
has given up her political activities with the air traffic controllers’
union, quit her job in the control tower and ended a long affair
with a married coworker. She knows that her old life was giving
her nothing but ulcers, but she still misses the rush it gave her.

Y: There’s a lot of pressure, a lot of pressures, a lot of forces that con-

spire to keep us down.
Gravity is the worst, of all those forces. You can’t get away from
it. Gravity’s always there. It dooms us straight from the start. I read
somewhere that when a woman gets pregnant, you know egg and
sperm, right away that little package starts turning and stuff, and it’s
all affected by gravity. I mean, even before we know who we are, even
before we’re born; this shit, it’s just pulling on us. It colors everything.
What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you hear these
words: Up? High? She’s flying? Those ought to be nice words, great
words, words of potential. But on account of gravity, all you can think
of is the inevitable Down; Low; She’s crashed.
But then there’s airplanes, right? And you watch them and you
think they’ve really got it figured out. When a plane’s taking off and
there it goes gliding upwards, or if you’re riding in one of those new
jets, so smooth, if you have a good pilot, you could maybe forget about
your morbid visions of tailpipes in flames and really believe, believe
for a moment that you can overcome . . . fuck, you could overcome
anything, you’re flying, you did it.
Why can’t that be the way we think? Why can’t we teach our chil-
dren that in the womb? Not to be afraid. Not to assume yeah, sure

46 47
JIMMY the
CARTER WAS
food money. Cuz we gotta eat, but we don’t need no lights
don’t need no lights let the muthafuckas burn! (She b-boxes and m
A DEMOCRAT
a beat on the furniture.) Come on, baby. Cuz we got, what we
What we got!? Huh? We got, we got
Rinne Groff Sunlight
Insight
Out of sight — out of mind.
Dramatic
Emily, twenties to thirties

Hoping for a better, more secure life with her new boyfriend, Emily
has given up her political activities with the air traffic controllers’
union, quit her job in the control tower and ended a long affair
with a married coworker. She knows that her old life was giving
her nothing but ulcers, but she still misses the rush it gave her.

EMILY: There’s a lot of pressure, a lot of pressures, a lot of forces that con-
spire to keep us down.
Gravity is the worst, of all those forces. You can’t get away from
it. Gravity’s always there. It dooms us straight from the start. I read
somewhere that when a woman gets pregnant, you know egg and
sperm, right away that little package starts turning and stuff, and it’s
all affected by gravity. I mean, even before we know who we are, even
before we’re born; this shit, it’s just pulling on us. It colors everything.
What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you hear these
words: Up? High? She’s flying? Those ought to be nice words, great
words, words of potential. But on account of gravity, all you can think
of is the inevitable Down; Low; She’s crashed.
But then there’s airplanes, right? And you watch them and you
think they’ve really got it figured out. When a plane’s taking off and
there it goes gliding upwards, or if you’re riding in one of those new
jets, so smooth, if you have a good pilot, you could maybe forget about
your morbid visions of tailpipes in flames and really believe, believe
for a moment that you can overcome . . . fuck, you could overcome
anything, you’re flying, you did it.
Why can’t that be the way we think? Why can’t we teach our chil-
dren that in the womb? Not to be afraid. Not to assume yeah, sure

46 47
N THE you’re
CONTINUUM
Up now, but here comes Failure, you might as well throw in
the towel. And if a baby could feel all right, up in the air, in a plane,
nai Gurirasoaring
andalong,
Nikkole Salterfreedom from all that pulls her down;
could experience
if she could learn that, can’t you maybe imagine that she could get
free of a bunch of other shit, too? That we’d grow as a species and
matic triumph? And change, and growth, and all that are possible?
late teens, early twenties
She’s flying. She’s flying.

Nia, a young African-American woman, is pregnant by a future pro

basketball star, who has given her a check for $5,000 to get the mat-
ter taken care of and then to go away. Here, she is talking to her
unborn child.

(Drunk.) It smell like booty. I wish I could fly away. Dirty-ass motel.
Guess what baby. Guess what? (Dumping her purse.) Today your
mommy opened her purse to see how much money she had and she
had a five dollar bill and a $5,000 check. $5,000. (Folding up the check
and putting it aside.) No, baby, we don’t need his money. No, we don’t!
Mommy will go tomorrow and see if they still want her at Nordstrom.
What was they payin’? Five dollars. No baby, no, we can do it. Come
on, I’ma show you. We just have to budget. (Tearing a piece of the
five dollar bill with each item.) This, this right here is for my retire-
ment fund. Cuz Oprah says you should pay yourself first. This, this
is for your college fund, cuz you going to college. This for rent . . .
on our mansion in Beverly Hills. And my Mercedes. What else? What
else you want baby? Oh yeah. Gas, water, and lights. That’s it. That
the life right there, baby. You got, retirement, college, mansion, Mer-
cedes, gas, water, lights. Yeah! Ooooo! Mommy forgot to put food in
the budget! How mommy forget about the food? But there’s no more
money. $5,000. (She breaks down in tears.) He knew! He knew! And
he knows you’re his baby cuz he the one made me pregnant. And she
thinks she can throw $5,000 at me and I’ma just be quiet? $5,000
dollars. I sold myself for $5,000. That’s how much I cost. No baby,
that’s how much you cost. (Balling up the check and throwing it down.)
No, no, we don’t need his money. This is what we gonna do, baby.
(Picking up the pieces of the five dollar bill.) We’ll make the light money

48 45
MEDEA Daughters got the blame?
Who left the home she loved,
Joseph Goodrich Who tore apart her family,
Who threw her past away
In the madness of a moment?
Dramatic Who has blood on her hands
Medea, twenties to thirties
And on her conscious?
Me.
Against his better judgment,
Medea did. Creon has agreed to let the banished
Medea stay in CorinthMedea
for another
has. day. Here, Medea figures out how
she will use that day Who
to bring wasabout the done
all this destruction
for? of her husband,
Jason, and his new love,
Whowho wasisICreon’s
trying daughter.
to please?
One man, and one man only:
MEDEA: The game’s not over
You. yet. Far from it. If Creon and Jason and his
woman think they’reYou, safe,Jason.
they’d better think again. You saw the way
I begged and pleaded, how I clutched his sleeve and cried? I humil-
Jason.
iated myself: That was the price of another day in Corinth. I paid it,
Jason.
though — even if itJason.
made me want to vomit just to touch him . . .
He gave me a day. He’ll
Jason. live just long enough to wish he hadn’t. And
then he’ll join his daughter
Only you. and my husband in the grave. I’ll make
sure of that . . . Whose love justified the butchery,
The question now The is, how will
damage and Idestruction?
do it? So many roads lead to
the same destinationYours.
. . . Should I burn the palace down? Or sneak
into their bedroom,Your catchlovethem
. . .inforthe
me. act and hack away at tender
flesh, stab and slice It’s
until I blunt the knife on bone?
strange:
No. I might getIcaught
thought before I’ve had
I’d served thewell.
you time to act. The palace
guards would kill meI killed
on thefor spot
you,— Ibut gave notyou
before they’d forced me
children.
down and raped me,Two laughing as I cried,
beautiful boys, laughing
Jason. at Medea, that stu-
pid fucking bitch who Or thought
have youshe’d . . . that?
forgotten
No. You seem to have forgotten so much
Poison. Lately . . .
Of course. I’ll ask you again as if I didn’t
Poison is the way.
Know the answer in advance:
I’m going to doHonor
it. I’m the
actually
bonds going
thattobind
do it.
us.I’m actually going
to do it . . . Prove to me your word is good.
What’ll happenTake nextthis
— hand
whereand I’ll swear
go, who will take me in —
to me

52 49
 EDEA Isomething
don’t know. I may find out that what I’ve always feared the most,
I’ve always suspected, just might be true: That there is no
eph Goodrich
home on earth for me at all. That I really might be as lonely as I feel.
That I’ve always been alone, and always will be.
Well — if it’s true, it’s true.
matic I’ll wrap my cloak about me and shiver in the sun.
ea, twenties to thirties
But if there is a refuge, some shelter for me somewhere, then poi-
son is my choice. And when they’re dead, I’ll slip away as softly as
Medea counterstheJason’s
deathveryI’ve
smooth and logical reasons for leaving
brought.
her for another woman withI’lla blast
If not, take myof what she believes
chances with thetoknife,
be the
blunt and brutal truthAnd of give
the matter.
my life to see theirs ended.
Hecate,
EA: After what you’ve done of Night, Queen of the Moon, I swear it:
Goddess
You have the gall to show
Those who up hurthere
Medea are hurt by her in turn.
And say all thatI to me?it.
swear
You hypocrite. Now, Medea, make your plans.
You spit in my Youfaceknow
and tell meto do. Now you must do it.
what
I’m beautiful? Practice the woman’s art, deception.
You murder ourBring love,them
then destruction.
offer
To pay for the Give
funeral?
them instruction in how
Is that the wayTo an die
honorable
the wayman behaves?
you’ve lived:
I’m glad you’re Inhere, though in a way.
torment.
It gives me the chance to make you hear
The truth.
You’ve heard of it, the truth? It’s like a
Woman’s love: Undeniable, absolute, durable
As iron but shattered by a single lie.
When you were looking for the golden fleece,
Who killed the serpent wrapped around
The treasure? Anyone on board the Argo
At the time will tell you it was me.
Who wrapped himself in glory
When the fleece was found?
That was you.
Who murdered Pelias, who butchered
The old king and made sure his

50 51
MEDEA Isomething
don’t know. I may find out that what I’ve always feared the m
I’ve always suspected, just might be true: That there
Joseph Goodrich
home on earth for me at all. That I really might be as lonely as I
That I’ve always been alone, and always will be.
Well — if it’s true, it’s true.
Dramatic I’ll wrap my cloak about me and shiver in the sun.
Medea, twenties to thirties
But if there is a refuge, some shelter for me somewhere, then
son is my choice. And when they’re dead, I’ll slip away as soft
Medea counterstheJason’s
deathveryI’ve
smooth and logical reasons for leaving
brought.
her for another woman withI’lla blast
If not, take myof what she believes
chances with thetoknife,
be the
blunt and brutal truthAnd of give
the matter.
my life to see theirs ended.
Hecate,
MEDEA: After what you’ve done of Night, Queen of the Moon, I swear it:
Goddess
You have the gall to show
Those who up hurthere
Medea are hurt by her in turn.
And say all thatI to me?it.
swear
You hypocrite. Now, Medea, make your plans.
You spit in my Youfaceknow
and tell meto do. Now you must do it.
what
I’m beautiful? Practice the woman’s art, deception.
You murder ourBring love,them
then destruction.
offer
To pay for the Give
funeral?
them instruction in how
Is that the wayTo an die
honorable
the wayman behaves?
you’ve lived:
I’m glad you’re Inhere, though in a way.
torment.
It gives me the chance to make you hear
The truth.
You’ve heard of it, the truth? It’s like a
Woman’s love: Undeniable, absolute, durable
As iron but shattered by a single lie.
When you were looking for the golden fleece,
Who killed the serpent wrapped around
The treasure? Anyone on board the Argo
At the time will tell you it was me.
Who wrapped himself in glory
When the fleece was found?
That was you.
Who murdered Pelias, who butchered
The old king and made sure his

50 51
 EDEA Daughters got the blame?
Who left the home she loved,
eph Goodrich Who tore apart her family,
Who threw her past away
In the madness of a moment?
matic Who has blood on her hands
ea, twenties to thirties
And on her conscious?
Me.
Against his better judgment,
Medea did. Creon has agreed to let the banished
Medea stay in CorinthMedea
for another
has. day. Here, Medea figures out how
she will use that day Who
to bring wasabout the done
all this destruction
for? of her husband,
Jason, and his new love,
Whowho wasisICreon’s
trying daughter.
to please?
One man, and one man only:
EA: The game’s not over
You. yet. Far from it. If Creon and Jason and his
woman think they’reYou, safe,Jason.
they’d better think again. You saw the way
I begged and pleaded, how I clutched his sleeve and cried? I humil-
Jason.
iated myself: That was the price of another day in Corinth. I paid it,
Jason.
though — even if itJason.
made me want to vomit just to touch him . . .
He gave me a day. He’ll
Jason. live just long enough to wish he hadn’t. And
then he’ll join his daughter
Only you. and my husband in the grave. I’ll make
sure of that . . . Whose love justified the butchery,
The question now The is, how will
damage and Idestruction?
do it? So many roads lead to
the same destinationYours.
. . . Should I burn the palace down? Or sneak
into their bedroom,Your catchlovethem
. . .inforthe
me. act and hack away at tender
flesh, stab and slice It’s
until I blunt the knife on bone?
strange:
No. I might getIcaught
thought before I’ve had
I’d served thewell.
you time to act. The palace
guards would kill meI killed
on thefor spot
you,— Ibut gave notyou
before they’d forced me
children.
down and raped me,Two laughing as I cried,
beautiful boys, laughing
Jason. at Medea, that stu-
pid fucking bitch who Or thought
have youshe’d . . . that?
forgotten
No. You seem to have forgotten so much
Poison. Lately . . .
Of course. I’ll ask you again as if I didn’t
Poison is the way.
Know the answer in advance:
I’m going to doHonor
it. I’m the
actually
bonds going
thattobind
do it.
us.I’m actually going
to do it . . . Prove to me your word is good.
What’ll happenTake nextthis
— hand
whereand I’ll swear
go, who will take me in —
to me

52 49
 NEVER TELL
You’ll keep the promises you made
When I set out on this course with you.
James Christy
. . . No?
Once you were happy to hold these hands.
You pressed your lips on mine.
Dramatic
You kissed these breasts.
I felt Liz,
yourfourteen
hot breath on my neck,
My belly, my cunt . . .
You said I Liz
was isyour
quiet, troubled,
world. introverted.
You said that. The character is in her late
You said sotwenties during when
many things the course of theclose
we were play,. but
. . in this monologue she is
fourteen. She
Tell me something now.speaks directly to the audience.
Pretend, for a moment, that you’re my friend.
Tell me : It was
LIZwhat last Advise
to do. summer. me.My dad had
I can’t a birthday party for my mom
go home
And I can’ther brother
stay here. By Samhelping
came. you
Uncle Sam. When he’d see us, he’d poin
I hurt
Myself: Nofinger at us and
one wants me,yell out “I
no one willwant
haveyou”
me, and give us these painful
No one will hugs.
giveSomeheawas placedrinking
to rest.bourbon
True, I and telling us this story about
Was rewardedguy who
for my used
helpto —work with himAathome,
a husband. his shop. Every Friday they’
to this local
A future without worry,bardoubt
and have beers with their lunch. So one day the
or fear.
I hope your gotnew
reallywifedrunk, and
is half aswhen
lucky.they got back my uncle told him he sh
She’ll havebetocareful
be. ’cause they work with all this heavy machinery. And
In the worldguyoflaughs
things, and says he’s
what’s truefine. And like five minutes later the guy s
is easily
off three
Distinguished fromofwhat’shis fingers. He was
false. Fool’s so drunk he said it didn’t even h
gold
he just
Is just a stone. felt warm scratches
A diamond blood onglass.
his hands. On the way to the hospit
Sandstonewas holding
crumbles in up
yourhishand.
middleButfinger
a manand pointing it at my uncle
laughing.
Who lies with every Itbreath
was kinda sad the
looks just ’cause
samehe got fired and didn’t even
As one you’dworker’s complife
trust your because
with .he. .was
Untildrunk
he and all. But the way Uncle
Snaps yourtold neckit it
in was
the so funny.of a kiss.
middle
(Beat.)
I went up to bed but I could still hear him and my mom
watched a movie in my room. John Cusack was talking to some
I fell half-asleep and started dreaming that he was talking to me.
in the dream he was looking at me and saying something and it
perfect, you know? Right then I looked up and my Uncle Sam
in my room. He just stood there watching the John Cusack m
for a long time. Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said
And he said that was a shame because he thought I was pretty. I k

56 53
 MEDEA
Now: give your father a hug . . . that’s right. Your mommy and daddy
have had a nice long talk, and we’re not angry at each other anymore.
You’ve beenJoseph
brave little Goodrich
soldiers, but everything’s fine now. Everything’s
fine. We’re all very happy and . . .
(She begins to cry.)
Dramatic
. . . I’m sorry. I was just thinking of what the future holds for
the innocent Medea, twenties
. . . Don’t to thirties
pay any attention to me . . . It’s silly — every-
thing’s fine now, and I can’t . . . Hold them tight, Jason. Hold them
tight . . . Oh . Medea
. . Oh .professes
.. her delight at Jason’s plans to take up with another
woman, and she begs his forgiveness for standing in the way. But
her delight is feigned, and her real intentions are murderous.

MEDEA: Jason . . . My dear, dear Jason . . . You’ve always been so good at

understanding me. You forgive my rages, my fits of emotion because
we’ve shared so much together in the past. I’m asking you to under-
stand again, and forgive me. I’ve been thinking it over and I see
how . . . unwisely I’ve behaved. All you’ve been trying to do is help
me — me and the children — and all I can do is . . . Well, it’s like
you said: I really am my own worst enemy. Who am I to question
how the Gods arrange our lives? Especially when it’s not just me who’s
involved, but our children, too. You were thinking ahead; I was cling-
ing to the past. I’ve been a foolish, stupid, stubborn woman, and I
admit it. I think the alliance you’ve arranged is wonderful — for you,
for the children, for me — and I’m sorry I haven’t played a bigger
part in it. If I’d only been reasonable, right now I’d be laughing with
the bride-to-be, sharing little secrets . . . indulging in the pleasures
that surround a wedding . . . There’s no need to torture myself with
all that might-have-been. It’s enough to say I’m sorry. You could have
shown a little better sense, though — you don’t mind if I say this,
do you? — a little better sense when I flew off the handle. That’s how
women are. They get upset and lose perspective. We rely on men for
the reason and balance and wisdom we just don’t have. But I can’t be
angry with you for that. This has been a difficult time for you, too.
And all I did was make it worse. Forgive me . . . Can you do
that? . . . Children! Where are you? Children!
There you are. There’s my darlings. Come over here, please . . .

54 55
 MEDEA
Now: give your father a hug . . . that’s right. Your mommy and daddy
have had a nice long talk, and we’re not angry at each other anymore.
You’ve beenJoseph
brave little Goodrich
soldiers, but everything’s fine now. Everything’s
fine. We’re all very happy and . . .
(She begins to cry.)
Dramatic
. . . I’m sorry. I was just thinking of what the future holds for
the innocent Medea, twenties
. . . Don’t to thirties
pay any attention to me . . . It’s silly — every-
thing’s fine now, and I can’t . . . Hold them tight, Jason. Hold them
tight . . . Oh . Medea
. . Oh .professes
.. her delight at Jason’s plans to take up with another
woman, and she begs his forgiveness for standing in the way. But
her delight is feigned, and her real intentions are murderous.

MEDEA: Jason . . . My dear, dear Jason . . . You’ve always been so goo

understanding me. You forgive my rages, my fits of emotion bec
we’ve shared so much together in the past. I’m asking you to un
stand again, and forgive me. I’ve been thinking it over and I
how . . . unwisely I’ve behaved. All you’ve been trying to do is
me — me and the children — and all I can do is . . . Well, it’s
you said: I really am my own worst enemy. Who am I to ques
how the Gods arrange our lives? Especially when it’s not just me w
involved, but our children, too. You were thinking ahead; I was c
ing to the past. I’ve been a foolish, stupid, stubborn woman, a
admit it. I think the alliance you’ve arranged is wonderful — for
for the children, for me — and I’m sorry I haven’t played a bi
part in it. If I’d only been reasonable, right now I’d be laughing
the bride-to-be, sharing little secrets . . . indulging in the pleas
that surround a wedding . . . There’s no need to torture myself
all that might-have-been. It’s enough to say I’m sorry. You could
shown a little better sense, though — you don’t mind if I say
do you? — a little better sense when I flew off the handle. That’s
women are. They get upset and lose perspective. We rely on men
the reason and balance and wisdom we just don’t have. But I can
angry with you for that. This has been a difficult time for you,
And all I did was make it worse. Forgive me . . . Can you
that? . . . Children! Where are you? Children!
There you are. There’s my darlings. Come over here, please

54 55
 NEVER TELL
You’ll keep the promises you made
When I set out on this course with you.
James Christy
. . . No?
Once you were happy to hold these hands.
You pressed your lips on mine.
Dramatic
You kissed these breasts.
I felt Liz,
yourfourteen
hot breath on my neck,
My belly, my cunt . . .
You said I Liz
was isyour
quiet, troubled,
world. introverted.
You said that. The character is in her late
You said sotwenties during when
many things the course of theclose
we were play,. but
. . in this monologue she is
fourteen. She
Tell me something now.speaks directly to the audience.
Pretend, for a moment, that you’re my friend.
Tell me : It was
LIZwhat last Advise
to do. summer. me.My dad had
I can’t a birthday party for my mom and
go home
And I can’ther brother
stay here. By Samhelping
came. you
Uncle Sam. When he’d see us, he’d point his
I hurt
Myself: Nofinger at us and
one wants me,yell out “I
no one willwant
haveyou”
me, and give us these painful bear
No one will hugs.
giveSomeheawas placedrinking
to rest.bourbon
True, I and telling us this story about this
Was rewardedguy who
for my used
helpto —work with himAathome,
a husband. his shop. Every Friday they’d go
to this local
A future without worry,bardoubt
and have beers with their lunch. So one day the guy
or fear.
I hope your gotnew
reallywifedrunk, and
is half aswhen
lucky.they got back my uncle told him he should
She’ll havebetocareful
be. ’cause they work with all this heavy machinery. And the
In the worldguyoflaughs
things, and says he’s
what’s truefine. And like five minutes later the guy slices
is easily
off three
Distinguished fromofwhat’shis fingers. He was
false. Fool’s so drunk he said it didn’t even hurt,
gold
he just
Is just a stone. felt warm scratches
A diamond blood onglass.
his hands. On the way to the hospital he
Sandstonewas holding
crumbles in up
yourhishand.
middleButfinger
a manand pointing it at my uncle and
laughing.
Who lies with every Itbreath
was kinda sad the
looks just ’cause
samehe got fired and didn’t even get
As one you’dworker’s complife
trust your because
with .he. .was
Untildrunk
he and all. But the way Uncle Sam
Snaps yourtold neckit it
in was
the so funny.of a kiss.
middle
(Beat.)
I went up to bed but I could still hear him and my mom as I
watched a movie in my room. John Cusack was talking to some girl,
I fell half-asleep and started dreaming that he was talking to me. And
in the dream he was looking at me and saying something and it was
perfect, you know? Right then I looked up and my Uncle Sam was
in my room. He just stood there watching the John Cusack movie
for a long time. Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said no.
And he said that was a shame because he thought I was pretty. I knew

56 53
 99 HISTORIES
he was drunk and I knew it wasn’t right that he was in my room but
it seemed like he meant it. And then he came into my bed. And I
said that heJulia
shouldCho
go but he told me I knew he wasn’t going to go
and I should be quiet. And when he was doing it I remember being
surprised that I could still hear the movie. I thought it was supposed
to be louderDramatic
with grunting and stuff but I could still hear John Cu-
Eunice,And
sack like before. Korean-American,
when he was done latehetwenties
got up and put his hand
on my hair and said it would be our secret. But he said it like he knew
Eunice
it already, he knew is trying totell.
I wouldn’t decide
Andwhat to doright,
he was aboutI an unwanted
haven’t. And pregnancy.
I won’t. Here, she is writing a letter to her unborn child.

EUNICE: My parents were old when they met. Old for their day and t
He was thirty; she was twenty-nine. A year after they married,
came here with nothing and opened and closed every kind of b
ness you can think of. Liquor store, dry cleaning. And then
opened a convenience store, open from eight to eleven, six days a w
They worked together in that store for five years until the day m
ther was shot. My mother, to this day, has never talked about w
happened. Even though she was the one who called the ambul
and sat with my father as he died. When I was in junior high, I
that famous film of Kennedy’s assassination in history class. And
since then, in my head, when I think back on that day, I imagine
father is Kennedy and my mom is Jacqueline. (As Eunice talks,
lights come up on two vague figures dressed as Jacqueline and Joh
Kennedy. They are sitting as if in a car. They re-enact the shooting
the Zapruder film, soundlessly, over and over again. Underneath the
lowing, the sound of whispering begins to rise but it is impossible to m
out the words.) When the bullet strikes him, he has no idea wha
happened. He is more surprised than in pain. When he falls ove
her, she screams over and over again. His blood stains her pink
His blood stains her hands. And she will never be clean again.

60 57
 99 HISTORIES
with boxes and lines branching out in wild proliferation.) Her family
tree was the size of a Volvo. She had people like Ann Boleyn, George
Washington. Julia Chooozed history. She once showed me the con-
Liz Grady
tents of her hope chest: linens from her grandmother, silver from her
great-aunt, stuff that had been passed down for generations. I looked
Dramatic
at it and thought to myself: I have no hope chest. I have no hope.
Eunice,
I’m just Korean-American,
saying, so what if you grew lateup
twenties
not knowing where you
were from? Maybe more than hair color or eye shape, it’s that feel-
ing that provesEunice
you areis mine.
trying to decide what to do about an unwanted pregnancy.
Here, she is writing a letter to her unborn child.

EUNICE: Dear . . . whatsyourname.

To Whom It May Concern, I was your mother, no.
To . . . you.
To you.
I know you’re hoping for some kind of epiphany or revelation.
Well, I have nothing like that for you. The simple fact is, I was not
made for you. That mother smell, that softness. I wasn’t made for that.
I was just a temp on Wall Street, a sad-faced, pale little office worker
like Bartleby the Scrivener, looking out a window that faced only a
wall. Speaking of which, optional reading list, books I like: Bartleby
the Scrivener, Melville.
As to where you come from . . . well, there isn’t much to tell. I
come from a family that doesn’t really talk about the past. For instance,
my mother has a scar on her throat but I still don’t know exactly how
she got it. When I was a kid, I thought she said it was a “star,” and
so for most of my growing up, I thought she had some magic in her,
right there, shaped like a mini-explosion.
I remember once, when I was in eighth grade, I had to make a
family tree as a class project. (Visual of a diagram with very few boxes
and a lot of white space.) Me. Only child. My father with two half-
brothers I’ve never met. My father’s parents, my mother’s parents —
grandfathers dead on both sides before I was even born. And that’s
it. Ta-Dah.
I took this chart to school, very proud of what I had done. And
who was up first, but my best friend, Liz Grady. (Visual of a diagram

58 59
 99 HISTORIES
with boxes and lines branching out in wild proliferation.) Her family
tree was the size of a Volvo. She had people like Ann Boleyn, George
Washington. Julia Chooozed history. She once showed me the con-
Liz Grady
tents of her hope chest: linens from her grandmother, silver from her
great-aunt, stuff that had been passed down for generations. I looked
Dramatic
at it and thought to myself: I have no hope chest. I have no hope.
Eunice,
I’m just Korean-American,
saying, so what if you grew lateup
twenties
not knowing where you
were from? Maybe more than hair color or eye shape, it’s that feel-
ing that provesEunice
you areis mine.
trying to decide what to do about an unwanted pregnancy.
Here, she is writing a letter to her unborn child.

EUNICE: Dear . . . whatsyourname.

To Whom It May Concern, I was your mother, no.
To . . . you.
To you.
I know you’re hoping for some kind of epiphany or revela
Well, I have nothing like that for you. The simple fact is, I was
made for you. That mother smell, that softness. I wasn’t made for
I was just a temp on Wall Street, a sad-faced, pale little office wo
like Bartleby the Scrivener, looking out a window that faced on
wall. Speaking of which, optional reading list, books I like: Bar
the Scrivener, Melville.
As to where you come from . . . well, there isn’t much to t
come from a family that doesn’t really talk about the past. For insta
my mother has a scar on her throat but I still don’t know exactly
she got it. When I was a kid, I thought she said it was a “star,”
so for most of my growing up, I thought she had some magic in
right there, shaped like a mini-explosion.
I remember once, when I was in eighth grade, I had to ma
family tree as a class project. (Visual of a diagram with very few b
and a lot of white space.) Me. Only child. My father with two
brothers I’ve never met. My father’s parents, my mother’s parent
grandfathers dead on both sides before I was even born. And t
it. Ta-Dah.
I took this chart to school, very proud of what I had done.
who was up first, but my best friend, Liz Grady. (Visual of a diag

58 59
 99 HISTORIES
he was drunk and I knew it wasn’t right that he was in my room but
it seemed like he meant it. And then he came into my bed. And I
said that heJulia
shouldCho
go but he told me I knew he wasn’t going to go
and I should be quiet. And when he was doing it I remember being
surprised that I could still hear the movie. I thought it was supposed
to be louderDramatic
with grunting and stuff but I could still hear John Cu-
Eunice,And
sack like before. Korean-American,
when he was done latehetwenties
got up and put his hand
on my hair and said it would be our secret. But he said it like he knew
Eunice
it already, he knew is trying totell.
I wouldn’t decide
Andwhat to doright,
he was aboutI an unwanted
haven’t. And pregnancy.
I won’t. Here, she is writing a letter to her unborn child.

EUNICE: My parents were old when they met. Old for their day and time.
He was thirty; she was twenty-nine. A year after they married, they
came here with nothing and opened and closed every kind of busi-
ness you can think of. Liquor store, dry cleaning. And then they
opened a convenience store, open from eight to eleven, six days a week.
They worked together in that store for five years until the day my fa-
ther was shot. My mother, to this day, has never talked about what
happened. Even though she was the one who called the ambulance
and sat with my father as he died. When I was in junior high, I saw
that famous film of Kennedy’s assassination in history class. And ever
since then, in my head, when I think back on that day, I imagine my
father is Kennedy and my mom is Jacqueline. (As Eunice talks, dim
lights come up on two vague figures dressed as Jacqueline and John F.
Kennedy. They are sitting as if in a car. They re-enact the shooting from
the Zapruder film, soundlessly, over and over again. Underneath the fol-
lowing, the sound of whispering begins to rise but it is impossible to make
out the words.) When the bullet strikes him, he has no idea what has
happened. He is more surprised than in pain. When he falls over on
her, she screams over and over again. His blood stains her pink suit.
His blood stains her hands. And she will never be clean again.

60 57
PARADISE
señora, mi espanol es no muy bueno. ¿Que? No comprendo. ¿Q
Oh, oh, OK. Neccessitas llamar ocho nueve nueve, tres cinco
Glyn O’Malley
nueve, hablas a Naomi. Si. Si. ¿Que? Oh, no. No. No, mi casa es m
um, poquita, yo no tengo . . . uh, lo siento, hablas a Naomi, ¿si
No problema. Buen — Buenas noches. (Hangs up. Phone rings.
Dramatic picks up.) Neighborhood Action Help-line, Violet . . . Hello?
Shoshana, forty-twoHello? . . . Is someone there? . . . Hello? . . . Can I help you? . . .
I help you? . . . (She hangs up. Phone rings. She picks up.) Neigh
Shoshana is speaking
hood to her newly
Action arrivedViolet
Help-line, Israeli-American
. . . What? daugh-
The birds are flying so
ter Sarah about What
why shedodecided
you mean?to move to a settlement
I don’t understand. in the West(She hangs up. W
Hello?
Bank outside Jerusalem.
in notebook:)
Unidentifiable person, reporting bird migration. No refe
SHOSHANA: (She can(Phone
get up and wander
rings. as neededNeighborhood
She answers.) through this.) Three sum-
Action, the birds are
mers ago as a prize, I took. .a .couple
ing south of boys
I’m sorry, what?from. . .my
Oh.fifth
I’mgrade
sorry,class
I can’t help yo
who I knew never havegotnoout of the city
number on ato
for you day tripI to
call. thehelp
can’t beach.
you.Good
kids. Rough and tumble (She boys.
hangs Weup.took
Writesa walk past whereMan,
in notebook:) all the peo- about my
asking
ple were and over a littleNo
derwear. jetty where I used to look for crabs when I
referral.
was a little girl. Above
(Phonethis rings.
jetty isShe
an picks
ancientup.)little mosque that Violet,
Neighborhood, has time t
been there forever.
south.As Don’t
the boyscallwere playing
for help. in the
Stock up onwater, andFluff
grubs. I wasup and jett
standing at theyouredge,bone
I noticed
marrow. a man
(She come out Phone
hangs up. of therings.
mosque She and
picks up.) A fea
stare at me. A young
lands man
at my—feet.maybe, twenty.
I think about Hemy laughed,
mother. and
Longpointed
ago there was a
at the boys, andand came down the
I became an rocks
orphantojust
the like
beach, and overelse.
everybody to me.
Trajectory! K
He told me what yourfine sons I had, and I told him, no, they were not
vector!
mine. I was a teacher, simply giving a present to some boys who could
use one. He smiled. I asked him if it was a special day at the mosque,
and he said, “No, it’s very old. I wanted to see it and to pray.” We
were standing at the water’s edge, and he suddenly drew a line in the
sand with his toe. A line just in front of my feet where the waves were
lapping. Then all of a sudden, his eyes turned very . . . intense . . .
like light was coming out of them, and he said from his side of the
line on the beach, “All of this is Palestine. Take your fine little He-
brew boys and leave. They will only come to ruin here. The tide has
turned. Your day is over. We will drive you Jews back into the sea.”
Then he bowed slightly to me — very polite — walked away and
got into a car and drove off. (Beat.) I was . . . speechless. Then every
cell of blood in my body turned to ice. He was such a fine-looking

64 61
OODLEyoung
WITH GUITAR
man . . . the light in his eyes . . . I realized that we had had a
moment, just one small moment of talking across this “hard line” as
ND DARK GLASSES
you call it, and that if I ever met him again, he would kill me. That’s
when I decided I had to do something that would make a difference,
Duffy Adams
and I moved here. . . .
Yes! Like we had our turn, our chance, our . . . little play at state-
hood. Our day can never be over, Sarah. Israel is not only an idea, it
ocomic
is a place again. The home to which every Jew’s heart has been at-
et, twenties
tached since Abraham had his sons. I won’t go into the sea, and nei-
ther will you. If I have to stand on the other side of his hard line to
Violet is a well-meaning, highly strung young woman in her
keep it that way, then I will. Just know that I . . . I didn’t put it there,
twenties. She is sitting alone at a table with a telephone, notebook
or ever want it.
and pen. The phone rings; she picks up.

ET: Neighborhood Action Help-line, this is Violet . . . Oh no, we don’t

do AIDS testing here, we’re not a clinic. But I can give a
referral . . . A number. I can give you a number to call. For a clinic.
OK, the number is 634-2468. Ask for Sandy, she’ll take care of you.
OK. Good luck. (She hangs up. Writes in notebook, murmuring:)
Woman, AIDS test referral, Sandy. (The phone rings. She picks up.)
Neighborhood Action Help-line, this is Violet. Oh, no, we don’t
do pregnancy tests, we’re not a clinic. But I can give you the — hello?
(She hangs up. Writes in notebook:) Pregnancy test, incomplete refer-
ral. (Phone rings. She picks up.) Neighborhood Action Hot-line, Vi-
olet. Oh, housing, yes, housing’s tricky right now, there’s a freeze on
Section Eights, and there are hardly any low income units available
in the neighborhood except for units being illegally warehoused. But
I can give you a number to call. Ready? 899-3579, talk to Naomi,
she can tell you where else to call. What? Oh. Oh no. No, I don’t
have any room in my apartment. I’m sor — Oh, I’m sure your kids
are quiet and everything, I just, I’m sorry, I don’t have room. It’s a,
it’s a studio. I’m sorry but . . . Where are you now, in the . . . ? Oh,
uh huh, the shelter. I know. I know. It’s bad, I know. Look, you talk
to Naomi. OK? You hang in there. Call me again if you want to talk
about it. OK? OK. (She hangs up. Starts to write in notebook but phone
rings again.)
Neighborhood Action Help-line, Violet. Oh, uh, por favor, slowly

62 63
POODLEyoung
WITH GUITAR
man . . . the light in his eyes . . . I realized that we had h
moment, just one small moment of talking across this “hard lin
AND DARK GLASSES
you call it, and that if I ever met him again, he would kill me. T
when I decided I had to do something that would make a differe
Liz Duffy Adams
and I moved here. . . .
Yes! Like we had our turn, our chance, our . . . little play at s
hood. Our day can never be over, Sarah. Israel is not only an ide
Seriocomic
is a place again. The home to which every Jew’s heart has been
Violet, twenties
tached since Abraham had his sons. I won’t go into the sea, and
ther will you. If I have to stand on the other side of his hard lin
Violet is a well-meaning, highly strung young woman in her
keep it that way, then I will. Just know that I . . . I didn’t put it th
twenties. She is sitting alone at a table with a telephone, notebook
or ever want it.
and pen. The phone rings; she picks up.

VIOLET: Neighborhood Action Help-line, this is Violet . . . Oh no, we don’t

do AIDS testing here, we’re not a clinic. But I can give a
referral . . . A number. I can give you a number to call. For a clinic.
OK, the number is 634-2468. Ask for Sandy, she’ll take care of you.
OK. Good luck. (She hangs up. Writes in notebook, murmuring:)
Woman, AIDS test referral, Sandy. (The phone rings. She picks up.)
Neighborhood Action Help-line, this is Violet. Oh, no, we don’t
do pregnancy tests, we’re not a clinic. But I can give you the — hello?
(She hangs up. Writes in notebook:) Pregnancy test, incomplete refer-
ral. (Phone rings. She picks up.) Neighborhood Action Hot-line, Vi-
olet. Oh, housing, yes, housing’s tricky right now, there’s a freeze on
Section Eights, and there are hardly any low income units available
in the neighborhood except for units being illegally warehoused. But
I can give you a number to call. Ready? 899-3579, talk to Naomi,
she can tell you where else to call. What? Oh. Oh no. No, I don’t
have any room in my apartment. I’m sor — Oh, I’m sure your kids
are quiet and everything, I just, I’m sorry, I don’t have room. It’s a,
it’s a studio. I’m sorry but . . . Where are you now, in the . . . ? Oh,
uh huh, the shelter. I know. I know. It’s bad, I know. Look, you talk
to Naomi. OK? You hang in there. Call me again if you want to talk
about it. OK? OK. (She hangs up. Starts to write in notebook but phone
rings again.)
Neighborhood Action Help-line, Violet. Oh, uh, por favor, slowly

62 63
ARADISE
señora, mi espanol es no muy bueno. ¿Que? No comprendo. ¿Que?
Oh, oh, OK. Neccessitas llamar ocho nueve nueve, tres cinco siete
yn O’Malley
nueve, hablas a Naomi. Si. Si. ¿Que? Oh, no. No. No, mi casa es muy,
um, poquita, yo no tengo . . . uh, lo siento, hablas a Naomi, ¿si? Si.
No problema. Buen — Buenas noches. (Hangs up. Phone rings. She
matic picks up.) Neighborhood Action Help-line, Violet . . . Hello? . . .
hana, forty-twoHello? . . . Is someone there? . . . Hello? . . . Can I help you? . . . Can
I help you? . . . (She hangs up. Phone rings. She picks up.) Neighbor-
Shoshana is speaking
hood to her newly
Action arrivedViolet
Help-line, Israeli-American
. . . What? daugh-
The birds are flying south?
ter Sarah about What
why shedodecided
you mean?to move to a settlement
I don’t understand. in the West(She hangs up. Writes
Hello?
Bank outside Jerusalem.
in notebook:)
Unidentifiable person, reporting bird migration. No referral.
SHANA: (She can(Phone
get up and wander
rings. as neededNeighborhood
She answers.) through this.) Three sum-
Action, the birds are fly-
mers ago as a prize, I took. .a .couple
ing south of boys
I’m sorry, what?from. . .my
Oh.fifth
I’mgrade
sorry,class
I can’t help you. I
who I knew never havegotnoout of the city
number on ato
for you day tripI to
call. thehelp
can’t beach.
you.Good
kids. Rough and tumble (She boys.
hangs Weup.took
Writesa walk past whereMan,
in notebook:) all the peo- about my un-
asking
ple were and over a littleNo
derwear. jetty where I used to look for crabs when I
referral.
was a little girl. Above
(Phonethis rings.
jetty isShe
an picks
ancientup.)little mosque that Violet,
Neighborhood, has time to fly
been there forever.
south.As Don’t
the boyscallwere playing
for help. in the
Stock up onwater, andFluff
grubs. I wasup and jettison
standing at theyouredge,bone
I noticed
marrow. a man
(She come out Phone
hangs up. of therings.
mosque She and
picks up.) A feather
stare at me. A young
lands man
at my—feet.maybe, twenty.
I think about Hemy laughed,
mother. and
Longpointed
ago there was a fire
at the boys, andand came down the
I became an rocks
orphantojust
the like
beach, and overelse.
everybody to me.
Trajectory! Know
He told me what yourfine sons I had, and I told him, no, they were not
vector!
mine. I was a teacher, simply giving a present to some boys who could
use one. He smiled. I asked him if it was a special day at the mosque,
and he said, “No, it’s very old. I wanted to see it and to pray.” We
were standing at the water’s edge, and he suddenly drew a line in the
sand with his toe. A line just in front of my feet where the waves were
lapping. Then all of a sudden, his eyes turned very . . . intense . . .
like light was coming out of them, and he said from his side of the
line on the beach, “All of this is Palestine. Take your fine little He-
brew boys and leave. They will only come to ruin here. The tide has
turned. Your day is over. We will drive you Jews back into the sea.”
Then he bowed slightly to me — very polite — walked away and
got into a car and drove off. (Beat.) I was . . . speechless. Then every
cell of blood in my body turned to ice. He was such a fine-looking

64 61
POODLEtalking
WITH GUITAR
to me. Why? Why? I don’t know. I don’t know anything
more. I surrendered to the will of God or something and now it’
AND DARK
me twisting GLASSES
in the wind. I look at this object in my hand and
stranger to me. I can’t use it and it’s stopped using me. It’s 3 A.M
Liz Duffy Adams
you know where your raison d’être is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What it
down to, je suis fucked.
Dramatic
Fuchsia, twenties to thirties

Fuchsia DeMornay is an unromantic romance novelist in her

twenties or thirties. her heroine has begun to behave wildly, despite
Fuchsia’s attempts to write to the usual formula. She is in her work
studio, talking to her mysterious new neighbor Jerry. She speaks
rapidly without even the slightest pause until the third-to-last line.

FUCHSIA: I’m very confused, it’s out of my hands, she’s completely out of
control and where does that leave me? and you know romance used
to be so simple to me, just a meal ticket but suddenly everything’s
being called into question, like can anyone explain to me the differ-
ence or boundary or link or dichotomy or what-have-you of love and
sex, you know, romance vs. lust, I mean is there an issue there or is
it just semantics or, you know, a matter of lighting: sharp focus is sex,
soft focus is romance? not useful distinctions maybe but you know
what do I know? haven’t had sex in, Christ, years, mainly I suppose
because I’m JUST TERRIFIED, naturally; who are all these people
who are fucking as if it’s HARMLESS, are they not paying attention?
and anyway I never can decide who it is, you know, who it is that I
desire, it feels like all or nothing, I mean like I could want AB-
SOLUTELY EVERYBODY, male, female, young, old, just the ut-
terly pansexual and have a carnal experience with every creature I
encounter or else shut it down and forget where I left the key, you
know, not even get started, because it’s that middle ground where all
the distinctions have to be made, all those evaluations and choices,
that I personally find TOO MUCH. I don’t know why I’m telling
you all this. I don’t really know you. I don’t know you at all. I hear
you’re a photojournalist or something. I bet that’s interesting. Snatch

68 65
OODLEyourself
WITH GUITAR
a hunk of what’s happening and turn it into a paycheck. Or
art. Which is photojournalism, money or art? I’m an orphan. I was
ND DARK GLASSES
separated from my family at a traveling fun fair and raised by kindly
carneys. It was a good life. I have no regrets. I do sometimes wonder
Duffy Adams
how I got here from there, you know what I mean? Like tonight. I
was walking over here, around dusk. And I pass a couple screaming
at each other on the sidewalk, just screaming in front of strangers and
ocomic
everything, and I’m kicking aside a discarded needle just as a couple
twenties to thirties
of little kids run past me, playing, and it’s all very comfortable and
familiar in a way, the broken glass, the rubble-filled lots, the smell of
Jade is a hip young artist in her twenties or thirties. A dog portrait
sour wine as I pass a bar, and an ice cream truck comes cruising down
she’s been commissioned to paint has cast her into a crisis of faith,
the street, playing that little tune, you know? (Imitates it.) And I
as Blini the poodle has turned first into Elvis Presley and then into
flashed on when I was a kid, in the carnival. Once in a while, if it
a more abstract icon. She speaks rapidly.
started to rain, and there weren’t any customers, the merry-go-round
guys would keep it going for a while, and carneys who’d gotten caught
: I was abandoned in a museum and raised by kindly museum guards.
in the rain away from their booths or trailers would jump on, you
So you see I’m pretty much at home with art. We used to make the
know, get out of the rain? And I’d be hanging onto my favorite horse,
rounds at night and I’d look at the art by flashlight. I have a fierce
a really fierce black-maned stallion, and we’d be going around with
grasp of detail. It’s the bigger picture I have trouble with. My earli-
the colored lights sparkling off the rain and the tinny old merry-go-
est art memories are of the bottoms of paintings, the lower edges. Be-
round music playing and all those tough old carneys grinning and
cause I was little, you know. I didn’t understand what the signatures
whooping except for the guys who were starting a card game in the
were for a long time. I couldn’t read yet. I thought they were art too.
swan-bench. (Slight pause.) I know there were a lot of steps in my life
I didn’t quite get that people make art. I think I thought art was a
between then and now but for a moment I saw then and now side
natural phenomenon. Like I thought that the statues of gods in the
by side and it just did not make any sense at all.
classical wing were petrified people, people who were under a witch’s
spell or something. There was one I had a wicked crush on. One of
those beautiful curly-haired athletes, lean marble body, sad empty eyes
staring into the distance. Once at night I snuck out by myself with
a flashlight, and climbed up onto his plinth, twining my tiny limbs
around him, under the influence of some idiotic fairy tale. I kissed
his cold, cold lips. No magical transformation. (Slight pause.) Life is
so fucking disappointing. (Slight pause.) I don’t know why I’m even
talking to you. What does a photographer know about anything? Run-
ning around plagiarizing life and calling it art. Aaagh. Don’t mind
me. I’m just in a nasty funk ’cause I’ve been abandoned by my god.
There’s no reason for it, is there? You can see this paint brush in my
hand, can’t you? But there’s the blank canvas. Blini has stopped

66 67
POODLEyourself
WITH GUITAR
a hunk of what’s happening and turn it into a paycheck
art. Which is photojournalism, money or art? I’m an orphan. I
AND DARK GLASSES
separated from my family at a traveling fun fair and raised by ki
carneys. It was a good life. I have no regrets. I do sometimes wo
Liz Duffy Adams
how I got here from there, you know what I mean? Like tonig
was walking over here, around dusk. And I pass a couple scream
at each other on the sidewalk, just screaming in front of strangers
Seriocomic
everything, and I’m kicking aside a discarded needle just as a co
Jade, twenties to thirties
of little kids run past me, playing, and it’s all very comfortable
familiar in a way, the broken glass, the rubble-filled lots, the sme
Jade is a hip young artist in her twenties or thirties. A dog portrait
sour wine as I pass a bar, and an ice cream truck comes cruising d
she’s been commissioned to paint has cast her into a crisis of faith,
the street, playing that little tune, you know? (Imitates it.) A
as Blini the poodle has turned first into Elvis Presley and then into
flashed on when I was a kid, in the carnival. Once in a while,
a more abstract icon. She speaks rapidly.
started to rain, and there weren’t any customers, the merry-go-ro
guys would keep it going for a while, and carneys who’d gotten ca
JADE: I was abandoned in a museum and raised by kindly museum guards.
in the rain away from their booths or trailers would jump on,
So you see I’m pretty much at home with art. We used to make the
know, get out of the rain? And I’d be hanging onto my favorite h
rounds at night and I’d look at the art by flashlight. I have a fierce
a really fierce black-maned stallion, and we’d be going around
grasp of detail. It’s the bigger picture I have trouble with. My earli-
the colored lights sparkling off the rain and the tinny old merry
est art memories are of the bottoms of paintings, the lower edges. Be-
round music playing and all those tough old carneys grinning
cause I was little, you know. I didn’t understand what the signatures
whooping except for the guys who were starting a card game in
were for a long time. I couldn’t read yet. I thought they were art too.
swan-bench. (Slight pause.) I know there were a lot of steps in my
I didn’t quite get that people make art. I think I thought art was a
between then and now but for a moment I saw then and now
natural phenomenon. Like I thought that the statues of gods in the
by side and it just did not make any sense at all.
classical wing were petrified people, people who were under a witch’s
spell or something. There was one I had a wicked crush on. One of
those beautiful curly-haired athletes, lean marble body, sad empty eyes
staring into the distance. Once at night I snuck out by myself with
a flashlight, and climbed up onto his plinth, twining my tiny limbs
around him, under the influence of some idiotic fairy tale. I kissed
his cold, cold lips. No magical transformation. (Slight pause.) Life is
so fucking disappointing. (Slight pause.) I don’t know why I’m even
talking to you. What does a photographer know about anything? Run-
ning around plagiarizing life and calling it art. Aaagh. Don’t mind
me. I’m just in a nasty funk ’cause I’ve been abandoned by my god.
There’s no reason for it, is there? You can see this paint brush in my
hand, can’t you? But there’s the blank canvas. Blini has stopped

66 67
OODLEtalking
WITH GUITAR
to me. Why? Why? I don’t know. I don’t know anything any-
more. I surrendered to the will of God or something and now it’s left
ND DARK
me twisting GLASSES
in the wind. I look at this object in my hand and it’s a
stranger to me. I can’t use it and it’s stopped using me. It’s 3 A.M.; do
Duffy Adams
you know where your raison d’être is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What it boils
down to, je suis fucked.
matic
hsia, twenties to thirties

Fuchsia DeMornay is an unromantic romance novelist in her

twenties or thirties. her heroine has begun to behave wildly, despite
Fuchsia’s attempts to write to the usual formula. She is in her work
studio, talking to her mysterious new neighbor Jerry. She speaks
rapidly without even the slightest pause until the third-to-last line.

HSIA: I’m very confused, it’s out of my hands, she’s completely out of
control and where does that leave me? and you know romance used
to be so simple to me, just a meal ticket but suddenly everything’s
being called into question, like can anyone explain to me the differ-
ence or boundary or link or dichotomy or what-have-you of love and
sex, you know, romance vs. lust, I mean is there an issue there or is
it just semantics or, you know, a matter of lighting: sharp focus is sex,
soft focus is romance? not useful distinctions maybe but you know
what do I know? haven’t had sex in, Christ, years, mainly I suppose
because I’m JUST TERRIFIED, naturally; who are all these people
who are fucking as if it’s HARMLESS, are they not paying attention?
and anyway I never can decide who it is, you know, who it is that I
desire, it feels like all or nothing, I mean like I could want AB-
SOLUTELY EVERYBODY, male, female, young, old, just the ut-
terly pansexual and have a carnal experience with every creature I
encounter or else shut it down and forget where I left the key, you
know, not even get started, because it’s that middle ground where all
the distinctions have to be made, all those evaluations and choices,
that I personally find TOO MUCH. I don’t know why I’m telling
you all this. I don’t really know you. I don’t know you at all. I hear
you’re a photojournalist or something. I bet that’s interesting. Snatch

68 65
QUEEN
SARAH,
MILLI OF
SARAH
GALT
Gary Kirkham
Daniel Goldfarb

Dramatic Dramatic
Milli, twenty-nine
Rochelle, eighteen

Milli is expressing her feelings

Rochelle for Jonathan,
is speaking an mother-in-law,
to her future offstage character.
who doesn’t think
This takes placeRochelle
in the 1920s.
is good enough for her son, Arthur.

MILLI:Jonathan? It’s me. :(Pause.)

ROCHELLE For Godsakes,
I think theof you
bunseverycostday.
ten cents
The moment
each, Mrs. Grosbe
your train left amthe sorry.
station,I ammysorryheartI presumed
am not as to richimagine
as you awant storyme to be. I
(Pause.) I imagined
sorryyou thatcrossed
my father the ocean
didn’t and
leavearrived
us withhome more.toWe’ve
a coldthought of
angry girl whom ingyouthewarmed
house, manywith atimes.
smile.WeAnd think
rightabout
there,it all
youthe pro-
time. Don’t t
posed to her. Youwe stumbled
haven’t. But overit’syour
complicated.
words. It All wasourclumsy
memories
and sillyof my dad are
and perfect. Youupsurprised
in it. And her.it’s
Youhard
always
to just
could walk
surprise
away her.from(Pause.)
that. Even if it se
She wanted a small
sensible!
wedding.
. . . She filled the church with every single
flower from the garden. Look, SheI want
breathed you in
toand
likenever
me, Mrs.
wanted Grosberg.
to breathe I do. Because
out. On Sundaynot mornings
going anywhere,
you’d wakeand early
life’ll
andbepick
a lot
wildflowers
easier if we thatcan be frien
would wilt beforelovefinding
Arthur.theirI lovewayhim.
intoIalove
vase.your
You son.
let out
And a boyish
he loves me. I k
laugh as she kissed
I’m notyourperfect.
fingers Ithatknowtasted
my of family
lavender.
seemsYou pretty
put lousy
your on paper,
ear to her belly Iand
don’t
listened
have thefor aknow-how
tiny heartbeat.
to prove
You otherwise.
insisted on Imak- know rich is b
ing “his” first thantoy. poor.
You But turnedI’m just
a broken
eighteen, ironing
Mrs. Grosberg
board into . . .a
fine-looking rocking. .horse.. I can She dohelped
a lot of
you things,
with its
Mrs.mane. Grosberg.
She used But I can’t m
the wool from your
myself oldrich.
brown I can’t
sweater.
makeItmysmelled
daddy like
alive.
. . . you.
And (Pause.)
I can’t make him m
And when the responsible
sun went down with youhis money
bundled when
up onhe the
was back
alive.porch.
I can tell you he
You drew her ingreat.
close And
and in I loved
a warm him
whisper
a lot. you
Andboasted
I miss to him thea stars
lot. I can tell
that you must that,
be theevenhappiest
though couple
he maybe
on earth.spentShe
tooforgave
much,you he did
for it out of
being “the war And hero”that. . .heforhad
beingenormous
a little full
respect
of yourself.
for the rightShe for-things; for ed
gave you for . .tion,
. almost
for culture.
. . . dying.He (Pause.)
came over from the Old Country when he
nine, by himself Mrs. Grosberg, and worked. He worked hard.
I promise you, I work hard too. I don’t need big rings and cashm
sweaters. If Arthur likes to buy them, if he’s proud, as you say,

72 69
 ROMEO TO GO
my years in the theater. The crucialest among them is to always make
the most out of what you’re given. So while we only have twenty —
(She looks atJonathan
her watch.) —Rand sorry, eighteen minutes to rehearse a full-
length play that you’ll end up performing during a ten-minute pe-
riod — well — that’s no obstacle for a true Thespian. No . . . Pressure
is where the Comic
dramatic thrive. And by golly, (Passionately whispered:)
by golly —Mrs.we’reGunnysack,
going to put could be any
on the bestage
darn play this school has
ever seen! Now who’s with me?!
(Silence.) Mrs. Gunnysack is a high school drama teacher. Here, she is laying
out the requirements
Oh. Well. Everyone’s to a classroom
with me because of high school
it’s . . . required. students on the
OK! Now
let’s get started first day of
quickly, DramatheOne.
because time . . . is out of joint. For those
unfamiliar with Shakespeare’s work, I just made an amusing Shake-
MRS. GUNNYSACK
speare reference. That may :happen
Good morning
from time everyone,
to time.good
Whatmorning.
can I Welcome to
say — it’s in myDrama
blood.One. I’llOut,
(Beat.) be your teacher
damned spot!thisOut,
quarter,
I say!Mrs.
Ha haGunnysack. But
ha ha ha! call me Helen. Mrs. Gunnysack is my mother’s name. Ha ha ha ha
ha. Enough
(Nobody finds horsing around. It’s time to get down to business. What
this funny.)
business am I talking about? The business of theater.
Now, as you know, due to budget cuts across the state, all schools
have been forced to cut down on the number of sessions for all
nonessential subjects, including, but not limited to, History, English,
lunch and Drama. This year’s restrictions will be even tighter than in
previous years, resulting in quite a low number of class sessions for
Drama — and by “low number” I of course mean “one.”
And because class times have also been cut, it will only last twenty
minutes.
(She hears general hubbub from the class.)
Now now! That’s enough hubbub. Before we proceed with class,
I have some additional news. Principal Trollybottom has informed
me that there will be a school-wide assembly at noon. And because
[Current month] is National Shakespeare Awareness Month, this
Drama class has been assigned to present a Shakespeare play for the
entire student body.
And our time slot at the assembly is only ten minutes.
(She recognizes that general hubbub is nearly beginning again.)
Now before you get all “frizzled,” as I’ve heard the rap singers
say, let me tell you this: I’ve learned many crucial things throughout

70 71
 ROMEO TO GO
my years in the theater. The crucialest among them is to always make
the most out of what you’re given. So while we only have twenty —
(She looks atJonathan
her watch.) —Rand sorry, eighteen minutes to rehearse a full-
length play that you’ll end up performing during a ten-minute pe-
riod — well — that’s no obstacle for a true Thespian. No . . . Pressure
is where the Comic
dramatic thrive. And by golly, (Passionately whispered:)
by golly —Mrs.we’reGunnysack,
going to put could be any
on the bestage
darn play this school has
ever seen! Now who’s with me?!
(Silence.) Mrs. Gunnysack is a high school drama teacher. Here, she is laying
out the requirements
Oh. Well. Everyone’s to a classroom
with me because of high school
it’s . . . required. students on the
OK! Now
let’s get started first day of
quickly, DramatheOne.
because time . . . is out of joint. For those
unfamiliar with Shakespeare’s work, I just made an amusing Shake-
MRS. GUNNYSACK
speare reference. That may :happen
Good morning
from time everyone,
to time.good
Whatmorning.
can I Welcom
say — it’s in myDrama
blood.One. I’llOut,
(Beat.) be your teacher
damned spot!thisOut,
quarter,
I say!Mrs.
Ha haGunnysack.
ha ha ha! call me Helen. Mrs. Gunnysack is my mother’s name. Ha ha h
ha. Enough
(Nobody finds horsing around. It’s time to get down to business. W
this funny.)
business am I talking about? The business of theater.
Now, as you know, due to budget cuts across the state, all sch
have been forced to cut down on the number of sessions fo
nonessential subjects, including, but not limited to, History, Eng
lunch and Drama. This year’s restrictions will be even tighter tha
previous years, resulting in quite a low number of class session
Drama — and by “low number” I of course mean “one.”
And because class times have also been cut, it will only last tw
minutes.
(She hears general hubbub from the class.)
Now now! That’s enough hubbub. Before we proceed with c
I have some additional news. Principal Trollybottom has infor
me that there will be a school-wide assembly at noon. And bec
[Current month] is National Shakespeare Awareness Month,
Drama class has been assigned to present a Shakespeare play fo
entire student body.
And our time slot at the assembly is only ten minutes.
(She recognizes that general hubbub is nearly beginning again
Now before you get all “frizzled,” as I’ve heard the rap sin
say, let me tell you this: I’ve learned many crucial things throug

70 71
UEEN
SARAH,
MILLI OF
SARAH
GALT
ary Kirkham
Daniel Goldfarb

matic Dramatic
i, twenty-nine
Rochelle, eighteen

Rochelle
Milli is expressing is speaking
her feelings to her future
for Jonathan, an mother-in-law, who doesn’t think
offstage character.
This takes placeRochelle is good enough for her son, Arthur.
in the 1920s.

I: Jonathan? It’s me. :(Pause.)

ROCHELLE For Godsakes,
I think theof you
bunseverycostday.
ten cents
The moment
each, Mrs. Grosberg. I
your train left amthe sorry.
station,I ammysorryheartI presumed
am not as to richimagine
as you awant storyme to be. I am
sorryyou
(Pause.) I imagined thatcrossed
my father didn’t and
the ocean leavearrived
us withhome more.toWe’ve
a coldthought of sell-
angry girl whom ingyouthewarmed
house, manywith atimes.
smile.WeAnd think
rightabout
there,it all
youthe time. Don’t think
pro-
posed to her. Youwe stumbled
haven’t. But overit’syour
complicated.
words. It All wasour memories
clumsy and sillyof my dad are tied
and perfect. Youupsurprised
in it. And her.it’s
Youhard to just
always could walk away her.
surprise from(Pause.)
that. Even if it seems
sensible!
She wanted a small . . . She filled the church with every single
wedding.
flower from the garden. Look, SheI want
breathed you in
toand
likenever
me, Mrs.
wanted Grosberg.
to breathe I do. Because I’m
out. On Sundaynot going anywhere,
mornings you’d wakeand life’ll
early andbe a lot
pick easier if we
wildflowers thatcan be friends. I
would wilt beforelovefinding
Arthur.theirI lovewayhim.
intoIalove
vase.your
You son. And
let out he loves me. I know
a boyish
I’m not
laugh as she kissed yourperfect.
fingers Ithatknow my of
tasted family seemsYou
lavender. pretty
put lousy
your on paper, and
ear to her belly Iand
don’t have the
listened for aknow-how to prove
tiny heartbeat. You otherwise.
insisted on Imak- know rich is better
ing “his” first thantoy. poor.
You But turnedI’m just eighteen,
a broken Mrs. Grosberg
ironing board into . . .a
fine-looking rocking. .horse.. I can She dohelped
a lot of
you things, Mrs.
with its mane. Grosberg.
She used But I can’t make
myself
the wool from your oldrich.
brown I can’t makeItmy
sweater. daddy
smelled alive.
like And (Pause.)
. . . you. I can’t make him more
And when the responsible
sun went down with youhis money
bundled when
up onhe the
was back
alive.porch.
I can tell you he was
You drew her ingreat.
close And
and in I loved
a warm him a lot. you
whisper Andboasted
I miss to him thea stars
lot. I can tell you,
that you must that,
be theeven though
happiest he maybe
couple on earth.spentShe
tooforgave
much,you he did
for it out of love.
being “the war And hero”that. . .heforhad
beingenormous respect
a little full for the right
of yourself. She for-things; for educa-
gave you for . .tion, for culture.
. almost . . . dying.He (Pause.)
came over from the Old Country when he was
nine, by himself Mrs. Grosberg, and worked. He worked hard. And
I promise you, I work hard too. I don’t need big rings and cashmere
sweaters. If Arthur likes to buy them, if he’s proud, as you say, fine.

72 69
But my needs andeveryone
desiresis aren’t
goingthat
to show
fancy. up,
I believe
she books,
in Arthur.
you I’mknow, she b
going to put school
people.on. . hold
. and work to support him while he’s
finishing his philosophy
So I’mdegree.
walking
Andaround
I know,this
theretelevision
aren’t a lot
studio,
of richand there’s
philosophers, Mrs.
lightsGrosberg,
and you know
and that’s
“people”
OK byandmeeveryone
— is so phony and inte
you just want to puke, like, what is supposed to be going on
place like that? It’s just like a void, with a lot of color in it. To
bizarre. And this woman is so into it. I mean everything is jus
this, be perfect, and her name is like “Stella” of course, so every
is screaming, “Stella — Stella — Stella” which was
hilarious — . . .
Right? Right? And she could not be more like a Nazi prie
or something, she is so worked up over these phone lists and h
lighting in blue and mint green who needs to get returned,
hasn’t returned, just utter crap — oh and on top of it all, she’s in
middle of one of those adoptions, she’s one of those infertile wo
who is like adopting an abandoned baby from China and that is
a total intense trip for her, those calls go on the special list, like
are the holy grail to this total Nazi, like the lists and the movie
and this invisible baby in the middle of China is like, you know
to her. It was a total — just kind of horrible, you know? And
like — look around you! This city is so alive and you’re just lik
I don’t know. Wow I think that vodka just hit, I so don’t drink
you know what I mean? About being alive, I mean?

76 73
HE SCENE
THE SCENE
eresa Rebeck
Theresa Rebeck
Seriocomic
mic Clea, early twenties
, early twenties
Clea is a beautiful, sexy, rather callow young woman. She has
recently
Clea is a beautiful, come
sexy, to New
rather York,young
callow and is woman.
“making the She scene,”
has going to par-
recently come toties
New andYorktrying
andtoismake
“making her way in this going
the scene,” dark world.
to par-Here, she is talk-
ties and trying toing to Lewis
make her way andin Charlie,
this darktwo world.friends
Here,whom
she is she
talk-has just met at a
ing to two buddiesparty.
whom she has just met at a party, named Lewis
and Charlie. What she doesn’t know is that the “Nazi priestess” with
whom she hasCLEAjust
: Nointerviewed
no, I don’tfor a jobMy
drink. is Charlie’s
mother wife, was an Stella.
alcoholic. I mean, she was
a wonderful woman and she really loved me but it’s like alcohol is
: [I’m from] Ohio.so deadly,
Isn’t that I mean at these
hilarious? Plus parties
I just sometimes
got here, like, whenwhat,I’m at a party like
six months ago? this?
It’sTo stand
a lot, aroundtoand
I mean, getwatch
used everyone
to. But it’s turnso into
alive,zombies around
just walking down me? It thejust reallythe
street, triggers
energy. me,I’m youlike know?
from, Youyou goknow,
ahead. I mean, that’s
just for me,
the middle of nowhere, andI don’t
I landimpose
here and thatit’sonsopeople
muchormore anything.
in- . . .
tense than even youBecause think. Not you like
know, I’mI somewas atsort thisofparty last week
cornball. But it was such a
scene,you
more like I’m alert, there werereally
know, so many on fire people
withthere.
how Youamazingknowit itiswas this young
director,
to be here. Because my he’s got like already,
experience, seven things and don’tgoingtakeat once, Off Broadway, his
this per-
father
sonally, but people hereis somebody
are like notfamousawake.orTosomething,
what — I don’t and he’s
want very hot, I’m se-
rious, Ibecause
to sound judgmental think Ithat readisinsoVariety
not what thatI’mhe about
has seven different plays up.
but like
what I mean is,Can I hadyouthis imagine, the energy
job interview level oforsomeone
yesterday, the day be like— that? Anyway, it
no yesterday, I’m was his birthday
pretty sure, I had party,
thisand they rented
amazing out thetotop
opportunity work two floors of this
on this talk show,loft not
in Chelsea,
that I thinkit wastelevision
this wildisparty, reallylike surreal,
a good place and then at one
for anyone butpointI’m like in the evening?
trying to be open,I just really
realized, open,thatandeveryone
anywaywas just totally
the agency sends shit-faced.
me in toThe talkwhole
to this party!
person Everybody was like
who is like, she slurring
does their words
something, I can’tand even
this one guy was
tell what it is,just
forleaning
this talkagainst
show, thelike wall
theselike he couldn’t
people go on the even stand up,
television andit was just really
interview movie disgusting
stars or you andknowI got so triggered. I
important people. mean I don’t
I mean want
when to describe
they be reactive it toinme,
situations
I’m likelikethat’sthat, I don’t like
cool, this couldtobejudge people on job
an interesting a really
for asuperficial
couple weeks levelororsome-
anything but it was
thing, and thiskindperson,of horrifying.
this woman I mean,
who not I’m that I — you
supposed to beknow,
work-drink, you should
ing for is like drink!
— she’s Enjoy
the yourselves!
person who calls and makes sure that

74 75
THE SCENE
THE SCENE
Theresa Rebeck
Theresa Rebeck
Seriocomic
Comic Clea, early twenties
Clea, early twenties
Clea is a beautiful, sexy, rather callow young woman. She has
Clea is a beautiful,
recently sexy,
come rather
to New callow
York,young
and is woman.
“making the She scene,”
has going to par-
recently come toties
New andYork andtoismake
trying “making her waythe scene,”
in this going to par-Here, she is talk-
dark world.
ties and trying toing
make her way
to Lewis andin Charlie,
this darktwo world. Here,whom
friends she is she
talk-has just met at a
ing to two buddies whom she has just met at a party, named Lewis
party.
and Charlie. What she doesn’t know is that the “Nazi priestess” with
whom she hasCLEAjust
: Nointerviewed
no, I don’tfor a jobMy
drink. is Charlie’s
mother wife, was an Stella.
alcoholic. I mean, she
a wonderful woman and she really loved me but it’s like alcoh
CLEA: [I’m from] Ohio.so deadly,
Isn’t that I mean at these
hilarious? Plus parties
I just sometimes
got here, like, whenwhat,I’m at a party
six months ago? this?
It’sTo stand
a lot, aroundtoand
I mean, getwatch
used everyone
to. But it’s turnso into
alive,zombies aro
just walking down me? It thejust reallythe
street, triggers
energy. me,I’m youlike know?
from, Youyou goknow,
ahead. I mean, t
just for me,
the middle of nowhere, andI don’t
I landimpose
here and thatit’sonsopeople
muchormore anything.
in- . . .
tense than even youBecause think. Not you like
know, I’mI somewas atsort thisofparty last week
cornball. But it was su
scene,you
more like I’m alert, there werereally
know, so many on fire people
withthere.
how Youamazingknowit itiswas this yo
director,
to be here. Because my he’s got like already,
experience, seven things and don’tgoingtakeat once, Off Broadway
this per-
father
sonally, but people hereis somebody
are like notfamousawake.orTosomething,
what — I don’t and he’s
want very hot, I’m
rious, Ibecause
to sound judgmental think Ithat readisinsoVariety
not what thatI’mhe about
has seven but like
different plays
what I mean is,Can I hadyouthis job interview
imagine, the energy yesterday,
level oforsomeone
the day be like— that? Anywa
no yesterday, I’m waspretty sure, I had
his birthday thisand
party, amazing opportunity
they rented out thetotop work two floors of
on this talk show,loft not that I think
in Chelsea, it wastelevision
this wildisparty, reallylike
a good place
surreal, and then at
for anyone butpointI’m like trying
in the to be open,
evening? I just really
realized, open,thatand anywaywas just to
everyone
the agency sends me in toThe
shit-faced. talkwhole
to this person
party! who is like,
Everybody she slurring
was like does their w
something, I can’tand even
this onetell what
guy was it is,just
forleaning
this talkagainst
show, thelike wall
theselike he cou
people go on the eventelevision
stand up, and interview
it was just reallymovie stars or you
disgusting andknowI got so trigger
important people. mean I mean
I don’t when
want they
to describe
be reactive it toinme, I’m likelike
situations that’sthat, I don’t
cool, this couldtobejudge an interesting
people on job for asuperficial
a really couple weeks levelororsome-
anything but it
thing, and thiskindperson, this woman
of horrifying. who not
I mean, I’m that
supposed
I — you to be work-
know, drink, you sh
ing for is like drink!
— she’s the yourselves!
Enjoy person who calls and makes sure that

74 75
But my needs andeveryone
desiresis aren’t
goingthat
to show
fancy. up,
I believe
she books,
in Arthur.
you I’mknow, she books
going to put school
people.on. . hold
. and work to support him while he’s
finishing his philosophy
So I’mdegree.
walking
Andaround
I know,this
theretelevision
aren’t a lot
studio,
of richand there’s like
philosophers, Mrs.
lightsGrosberg,
and you know
and that’s
“people”
OK byandmeeveryone
— is so phony and intense,
you just want to puke, like, what is supposed to be going on in a
place like that? It’s just like a void, with a lot of color in it. Totally
bizarre. And this woman is so into it. I mean everything is just do
this, be perfect, and her name is like “Stella” of course, so everyone
is screaming, “Stella — Stella — Stella” which was like
hilarious — . . .
Right? Right? And she could not be more like a Nazi priestess
or something, she is so worked up over these phone lists and high-
lighting in blue and mint green who needs to get returned, who
hasn’t returned, just utter crap — oh and on top of it all, she’s in the
middle of one of those adoptions, she’s one of those infertile women
who is like adopting an abandoned baby from China and that is like
a total intense trip for her, those calls go on the special list, like lists
are the holy grail to this total Nazi, like the lists and the movie stars
and this invisible baby in the middle of China is like, you know, life
to her. It was a total — just kind of horrible, you know? And I’m
like — look around you! This city is so alive and you’re just like —
I don’t know. Wow I think that vodka just hit, I so don’t drink. Do
you know what I mean? About being alive, I mean?

76 73
THE SCENE
SEZ SHE
Theresa Rebeck
Jane Martin
Comic
Stella, thirties to forties
Comic
Actress, middle school age
Stella books guests on a TV talk show. She has come home after a
particularly trying
An day andgrader
eighth vents to her husband,
is upset Charlie,
by the way an out-has dressed to go
her mother
of-work actor. to the P.T.A. meeting.

STELLA: I had aACTRESS

horrible: Oh
day.my . . God,
. Mom! You are not, I am completely serious, g
That idiotoutnotofshowing.
this house Not wearing
your idiot.
that! My
Bitch idiot.
me out.
Didn’tDoshow.
you know what
All the shit I hadlook tolike?
go through
You are mega-embarrassing,
to get her to do us,OK? six dozen
Mom!white You are represen
lilies in her dressing
me atroom,the P.T.A.,
do you I can’t
knowhavewhat everybody’s
that manyeighth lilies smells
grade parents se
like? It’s enough youtointruly
hookerknock wear. you
Ohmygod.
out, like Do a disease,
you know thathow many old you are?
flowers. And I’m arenotan ancient,
even talking decrepit
aboutperson,
all theMom.stupidSorreee,
candy we buthadyou are. Spag
to buy. M&Ms.straps, Reese’sand Cups.
don’tTwix.
tell me
Why thatdoskirt
these passes
peoplethethink
fingerit’s
test, Mom! W
so cool to eat bada minute,
chocolate?wait Could
one minute,
someone, open andyourI mean,
mouth I liter-
and hold it o
ally had to turnOhmygod,
her fucking gross!
dressing
Ohmygod,
room into is thata kind a tongue
of physical piercing? Mo
representation menopause
of a complete andpsychotic
tongue piercing
break, are liliespolar
andopposites,
bad choco- OK? Mom, t
late and an EXERCISE
is a dress code,
MACHINE you can’t—walk she into
was the onlyP.T.A.
supposed directtofrom the w
be in there for wars.
an hour God, andMom,a half,have
and she
a little
neededrespect,
her own
will you,
STAIR- you’re a dent
MASTER, with meanthe chocolate,
where are we what’s
headed
the here
plan,I to would
eat thelikemounds
to ask. Are you g
of chocolate, while
to beyou’re
one ofON those
thesixty-year-olds
stairmaster? Turns who out lookthere
like steel
was prunes sh
no plan, because ing—endless
she didn’tleg with
show.plucked
. . . eyebrows and breast augmentatio
I told you warn
eight you,
times.Mom,I’m turning
if you set
intofoot
oneinofthe those
P.T.A.
people
I willwhoget Dad and A
say things overLucy and over
and your
and thentherapist
you and
haveFather
to tell O’Keefe,
them so kindly,
and we’ll do an in
yes you told me, vention
like they’ve
in the parking
gone senile
lot. I— meanthis hand
happened
over the to my
tanning salon
mother, after she countturned
coupons.
fifty, she
Youtold
know,theI’msamesorrystorybutover
the and
difference
over between
and over again,you it was
are and
so dreary
who you — think
it wasyou likeareoh,is and
an unbelievable
now Mom’ssag factor. N
gone insane, she’sgo not
upstairs
just athis
pathetic
minute nut,andnowputshe’s
on something
a boring pathetic
with long sleeves
nut, telling theflats.
sameYou story,
canovergo toandthe
overmeeting
and over but,again
after— that,
. . .ohmygod, you
I’m half smashed
soooo grounded!
already. That idiot didn’t show. She did not
show! . . .
It is the fourth time, it is the fourth time she’s fucked us and

80 77
CRAMBLED EGGS
they insist that I book her anyway! And then it’s my fucking fault
we have a hole in the schedule. And there’s not even a hole, I back
bin Amos usKahn
up everyand Gary
time with Richards
that idiot who makes the low-carb pasta dishes,
why do people believe that? Low-carb pasta? Why do they — . . .
It’s so, demeaning, to put that on television, it’s just demean-
ocomic ing. These people are all such liars. Low-carb pasta? And it’s pathetic,
n, twenties to thirties
these women sitting out there, so hungry for this specific lie, you
can eat pasta and still lose weight, that’s like pathetic, it’s not pathetic,
Karen confesses it’s
her sad,
fearsifabout her marriage.
you think about itDirect address
too long, it istosothesad all those women
audience. sitting out there in the house, their yearning for life to be just that
little bit easier. It’s probably one of the few things they have to look
N: The limbo contest?
forward Ito,find oneplate
a nice of those string
of pasta hammocks
with a little red and lie — only most
sauce
down. It actually feels like
of them, theyadon’t
straight jacket.
go for I’m taking
the sensible red slow
sauce,deepthey go for the al-
breaths, staringfredo,
up at orthethebright, cloudless
carbonnara, blue sky,had
I actually wondering . . . carbonnara
to do a low-fat
what the hell isshowhappening
once. .to. .me? (Beat. As the sound of music fades,
the lights change.) WhenOh God.we getIbackwanttotoNewhaveYork, it gets even
compassion forworse.
these people, I feel
I keep forgetting badthings.
— . .Names.
. Appointments. I’m constantly using
the wrong words forThat thingstheylike:think
“It’s raining
this is aoutside. Don’ttoforget
cool thing do withthe their time, go
elevator.” I’m afraid
and betothe speak up audience
studio in meetings.for The phone
a stupid talkrings
show! and ...
it’s my friend Ruthie and I think,
Because “Who
they think the hellsomething,
it means is Ruthie?”toAnd be onI television —
have no sex drive Only —you zeroweren’t,
— andreally,
I keepyou having these
just sat thoughts
there all
while someone else got
night long. I spinto bescenarios, all disastrous
on television. — It’s
It’s so sad. fromso global
so sad.warming
to terrorism to the amount of Sweet ’N Low I’ve consumed in my
lifetime. I’m so depressed, antidepressants won’t work on me. I’ll have
a nervous breakdown and then I’ll have to go into a mental hospi-
tal. And everyone will look at Dave and say, “Poor Dave, his wife is
nuts.” And while I’m in the mental hospital, I’ll get some kind of can-
cer, and after many horrible months of chemo, and radiation, and
whatever experimental drugs they try, I’ll die, and then Dave will be
so depressed about my death, and about the Mets, that he’ll kill him-
self, or . . . he won’t kill himself, he’ll find some hot young babe and
on and on it goes and I can’t stop it. I can’t turn it off! ENOUGH!!!

78 79
SCRAMBLED EGGS
they insist that I book her anyway! And then it’s my fucking
we have a hole in the schedule. And there’s not even a hole, I
Robin Amos usKahn
up everyand Gary
time with Richards
that idiot who makes the low-carb pasta di
why do people believe that? Low-carb pasta? Why do they —
It’s so, demeaning, to put that on television, it’s just dem
Seriocomic ing. These people are all such liars. Low-carb pasta? And it’s path
Karen, twenties to thirties
these women sitting out there, so hungry for this specific lie,
can eat pasta and still lose weight, that’s like pathetic, it’s not path
Karen confesses it’s
her sad,
fearsifabout her marriage.
you think about itDirect address
too long, it istosothesad all those wo
audience. sitting out there in the house, their yearning for life to be just
little bit easier. It’s probably one of the few things they have to
KAREN: The limbo contest?
forward Ito,find oneplate
a nice of those string
of pasta hammocks
with a little red and lie — only m
sauce
down. It actually feels like
of them, theyadon’t
straight jacket.
go for I’m taking
the sensible red slow
sauce,deepthey go for th
breaths, staringfredo,
up at orthethebright, cloudless
carbonnara, blue sky,had
I actually wondering . . . carbon
to do a low-fat
what the hell isshowhappening
once. .to. .me? (Beat. As the sound of music fades,
the lights change.) WhenOh God.we getIbackwanttotoNewhaveYork, it gets even
compassion forworse.
these people, I
I keep forgetting badthings.
— . .Names.
. Appointments. I’m constantly using
the wrong words forThat thingstheylike:think
“It’s raining
this is aoutside. Don’ttoforget
cool thing do withthe their time
elevator.” I’m afraid
and betothe speak up audience
studio in meetings.for The phone
a stupid talkrings
show! and ...
it’s my friend Ruthie and I think,
Because “Who
they think the hellsomething,
it means is Ruthie?”toAnd be onI televisio
have no sex drive Only —you zeroweren’t,
— andreally,
I keepyou having these
just sat thoughts
there all
while someone else
night long. I spinto bescenarios, all disastrous
on television. — It’s
It’s so sad. fromso global
so sad.warming
to terrorism to the amount of Sweet ’N Low I’ve consumed in my
lifetime. I’m so depressed, antidepressants won’t work on me. I’ll have
a nervous breakdown and then I’ll have to go into a mental hospi-
tal. And everyone will look at Dave and say, “Poor Dave, his wife is
nuts.” And while I’m in the mental hospital, I’ll get some kind of can-
cer, and after many horrible months of chemo, and radiation, and
whatever experimental drugs they try, I’ll die, and then Dave will be
so depressed about my death, and about the Mets, that he’ll kill him-
self, or . . . he won’t kill himself, he’ll find some hot young babe and
on and on it goes and I can’t stop it. I can’t turn it off! ENOUGH!!!

78 79
HE SCENE
SEZ SHE
eresa Rebeck
Jane Martin
mic
a, thirties to forties
Comic
Actress, middle school age
Stella books guests on a TV talk show. She has come home after a
An day
particularly trying eighth
andgrader is upset
vents to by the way
her husband, her mother
Charlie, an out-has dressed to go
of-work actor. to the P.T.A. meeting.

LA: I had aACTRESS

horrible: Oh
day.my . . God,
. Mom! You are not, I am completely serious, going
That idiotoutnotofshowing.
this house Not wearing
your idiot.
that! My
Bitch idiot.
me out.
Didn’tDoshow.
you know what you
All the shit I hadlook tolike?
go through
You are mega-embarrassing,
to get her to do us,OK? six dozen
Mom!white You are representing
lilies in her dressing
me atroom,the P.T.A.,
do you I can’t
knowhavewhat everybody’s
that manyeighth lilies smells
grade parents seeing
like? It’s enough youtointruly
hookerknock wear. you
Ohmygod.
out, like Do a disease,
you know thathow many old you are? You
flowers. And I’m arenotan ancient,
even talking decrepit
aboutperson,
all theMom.stupidSorreee,
candy we buthadyou are. Spaghetti
to buy. M&Ms.straps, Reese’sand Cups.
don’tTwix.
tell me
Why thatdoskirt
these passes
peoplethethink
fingerit’s
test, Mom! Wait
so cool to eat bada minute,
chocolate?wait Could
one minute,
someone, open andyourI mean,
mouth I liter-
and hold it open.
ally had to turnOhmygod,
her fucking gross!
dressing
Ohmygod,
room into is thata kind a tongue
of physical piercing? Mother,
representation menopause
of a complete andpsychotic
tongue piercing
break, are liliespolar
andopposites,
bad choco- OK? Mom, there
late and an EXERCISE
is a dress code,
MACHINE you can’t—walk she into
was the onlyP.T.A.
supposed directtofrom the whore
be in there for wars.
an hour God, andMom,a half,have
and she
a little
neededrespect,
her own
will you,
STAIR- you’re a dentist. I
MASTER, with meanthe chocolate,
where are we what’s
headed
the here
plan,I to would
eat thelikemounds
to ask. Are you going
of chocolate, while
to beyou’re
one ofON those
thesixty-year-olds
stairmaster? Turns who out lookthere
like steel
was prunes show-
no plan, because ing—endless
she didn’tleg with
show.plucked
. . . eyebrows and breast augmentation? I
I told you warn
eight you,
times.Mom,I’m turning
if you set
intofoot
oneinofthe those
P.T.A.
people
I willwhoget Dad and Aunt
say things overLucy and over
and your
and thentherapist
you and
haveFather
to tell O’Keefe,
them so kindly,
and we’ll do an inter-
yes you told me, vention
like they’ve
in the parking
gone senile
lot. I— meanthis hand
happened
over the to my
tanning salon dis-
mother, after she countturned
coupons.
fifty, she
Youtold
know,theI’msamesorrystorybutover
the and
difference
over between who
and over again,you it was
are and
so dreary
who you — think
it wasyou likeareoh,is and
an unbelievable
now Mom’ssag factor. Now
gone insane, she’sgo not
upstairs
just athis
pathetic
minute nut,andnowputshe’s
on something
a boring pathetic
with long sleeves and
nut, telling theflats.
sameYou story,
canovergo toandthe
overmeeting
and over but,again
after— that,
. . .ohmygod, you are
I’m half smashed
soooo grounded!
already. That idiot didn’t show. She did not
show! . . .
It is the fourth time, it is the fourth time she’s fucked us and

80 77
SEZ SHEbreathe
awareness.) Shoot! Can you believe it? I forgot to breathe. I forgo
even though I was talking about breath. Bummer. I was
Jane Martin ried that you would think this doesn’t belong in a play and, wh
did that, you disappeared and I disappeared and all that was pre
was worry. Terrible. That’s terrible of me. I mean to commun
Comic the play I would have to be present. Whoa! Let’s go back on t
Actress, twenties to here.
thirties
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breath
breathe out. Ah. See, now the play’s between us. Breathe again.
A young motherthat’s
of three
muchsmall children explains the usefulness of
better.
theater. When she goes, it’s the only time she gets any sleep.

ACTRESS: I don’t know about you but I go to the theater to get a little sleep.
I know, you think I’m kidding. Listen here, I have three kids so you
know there’s no sleep to be had at home . . . babies crying, cats throw-
ing up hairballs, dogs barking at moths and a husband who can only
identify a sexual urge at the break of dawn. I have to seek out pub-
lic events to get a little peace and quiet. Even that’s become difficult.
Until the late 50s you could sleep at the movies . . . that was pre-car
chase. Squeal, roar, crash, fireball! Impossible. Symphony halls? They
always throw in one piece of contemporary music scored for an out-
board motor and two chain saws. Libraries? They think you’re home-
less. Museums? There’s always a docent whispering in your ear. We
are a universally sleep-deprived nation. We’re irritable, socially ag-
gressive, politically schizoid; we have got to get some sleep! I know
you know what I’m talking about. Great sex is OK, but eight hours
of uninterrupted sleep is unbelievably erotic. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m
a little edgy. Are my hands shaking? My eyes are red, right? I am telling
you, the theater is the only place left to sleep. The soporific sound of
endless conversation, kind of white noise, a sort of verbal sea sound.
Lulling situations you’ve seen a thousand times . . . delicious bore-
dom. They talk for a long time and then they get divorced or they
die a lingering death or they decide to . . . I don’t know . . . live lives
of quiet desperation. If it’s Chekhov, there are fabulous pauses, one
right after the other. Or Iambic pentameter, God, that would put any-
body to sleep. But here’s the best part, nobody ever wakes you be-
cause a) it’s socially embarrassing or b) they’re asleep, too. One time,

84 81
EZ SHEaLear
thoughtful woman next to me put her coat over me during King
and sang this really quiet lullaby — it was so touching. Sure, it’s
ne Martin a little expensive, but hey, you wake up to applause . . . if you’re dis-
oriented the ushers are really nice about helping you out of the the-
ater. Once they just turned out the lights and left me there until
mic morning. You could try it now. Go ahead. The next piece is really
ess, could be any age and sort of hypnotic. Don’t be shy, really. I’ll get the actors to
quiet
hold it down. Shhhh. Rockabye.
An actress talks to her audience about ways they can a better
audience.

RESS: Not bad at all. Really good. Keepers, we would call you
keepers . . . the other actresses and myself . . . concerning you . . . in
your capacity as an audience. We find you . . . giving, spon-
taneous . . . very intelligent, very intelligent, willing to laugh, very
important, amazingly important. We . . . we actresses, together, well
we have worked with, what . . . many, many audiences. I don’t know
if you know we judge and compare you. We do. The critics analyze
us; we analyze you. Afterwards we, you know, have a beer or a,
uh . . . cranberry juice, and we go over you with a fine-tooth
comb . . . no, really, we do, we pick you apart concerning your skills
and deportment. Affectionately. I’m not saying it isn’t affectionate.
And you’ll do well. This audience gets good reviews . . . except . . .
I don’t even know if I should bring this up. Should I bring this
up? . . . OK. You’re not breathing. You’re forgetting to breathe. Breath-
ing is your responsibility as an audience. See, when you’re breathing,
you’re in a receptive state, your senses and intellect take in, but when
you don’t breathe, you are rejecting . . . experience . . . denying it.
See, that would be bad for us, bad for the narrative. We would hate
that. Right? . . . When you breathe, you are aware of the world that
is not yourself. It’s the reminder that you exist in-relation-to. You rec-
ognize yourself, you recognize the other, which closes the circle and
creates . . . well . . . coherence. It’s a big job. If you remembered to
breathe, you would do it 14,880 times a day. Not breathing would,
practically speaking, mean you were dead, which kind of means doing
a play for you would be . . . well beside the point. (Sudden

82 83
SEZ SHEaLear
thoughtful woman next to me put her coat over me during K
and sang this really quiet lullaby — it was so touching. Sure
Jane Martin a little expensive, but hey, you wake up to applause . . . if you’re
oriented the ushers are really nice about helping you out of the
ater. Once they just turned out the lights and left me there u
Comic morning. You could try it now. Go ahead. The next piece is r
Actress, could be any age and sort of hypnotic. Don’t be shy, really. I’ll get the acto
quiet
hold it down. Shhhh. Rockabye.
An actress talks to her audience about ways they can a better
audience.

ACTRESS: Not bad at all. Really good. Keepers, we would call you
keepers . . . the other actresses and myself . . . concerning you . . . in
your capacity as an audience. We find you . . . giving, spon-
taneous . . . very intelligent, very intelligent, willing to laugh, very
important, amazingly important. We . . . we actresses, together, well
we have worked with, what . . . many, many audiences. I don’t know
if you know we judge and compare you. We do. The critics analyze
us; we analyze you. Afterwards we, you know, have a beer or a,
uh . . . cranberry juice, and we go over you with a fine-tooth
comb . . . no, really, we do, we pick you apart concerning your skills
and deportment. Affectionately. I’m not saying it isn’t affectionate.
And you’ll do well. This audience gets good reviews . . . except . . .
I don’t even know if I should bring this up. Should I bring this
up? . . . OK. You’re not breathing. You’re forgetting to breathe. Breath-
ing is your responsibility as an audience. See, when you’re breathing,
you’re in a receptive state, your senses and intellect take in, but when
you don’t breathe, you are rejecting . . . experience . . . denying it.
See, that would be bad for us, bad for the narrative. We would hate
that. Right? . . . When you breathe, you are aware of the world that
is not yourself. It’s the reminder that you exist in-relation-to. You rec-
ognize yourself, you recognize the other, which closes the circle and
creates . . . well . . . coherence. It’s a big job. If you remembered to
breathe, you would do it 14,880 times a day. Not breathing would,
practically speaking, mean you were dead, which kind of means doing
a play for you would be . . . well beside the point. (Sudden

82 83
EZ SHEawareness.) Shoot! Can you believe it? I forgot to breathe. I forgot to
breathe even though I was talking about breath. Bummer. I was wor-
ne Martin ried that you would think this doesn’t belong in a play and, while I
did that, you disappeared and I disappeared and all that was present
was worry. Terrible. That’s terrible of me. I mean to communicate
mic the play I would have to be present. Whoa! Let’s go back on track
ess, twenties to here.
thirties
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in,
breathe out. Ah. See, now the play’s between us. Breathe again. Oh,
A young motherthat’s
of three
muchsmall children explains the usefulness of
better.
theater. When she goes, it’s the only time she gets any sleep.

RESS: I don’t know about you but I go to the theater to get a little sleep.
I know, you think I’m kidding. Listen here, I have three kids so you
know there’s no sleep to be had at home . . . babies crying, cats throw-
ing up hairballs, dogs barking at moths and a husband who can only
identify a sexual urge at the break of dawn. I have to seek out pub-
lic events to get a little peace and quiet. Even that’s become difficult.
Until the late 50s you could sleep at the movies . . . that was pre-car
chase. Squeal, roar, crash, fireball! Impossible. Symphony halls? They
always throw in one piece of contemporary music scored for an out-
board motor and two chain saws. Libraries? They think you’re home-
less. Museums? There’s always a docent whispering in your ear. We
are a universally sleep-deprived nation. We’re irritable, socially ag-
gressive, politically schizoid; we have got to get some sleep! I know
you know what I’m talking about. Great sex is OK, but eight hours
of uninterrupted sleep is unbelievably erotic. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m
a little edgy. Are my hands shaking? My eyes are red, right? I am telling
you, the theater is the only place left to sleep. The soporific sound of
endless conversation, kind of white noise, a sort of verbal sea sound.
Lulling situations you’ve seen a thousand times . . . delicious bore-
dom. They talk for a long time and then they get divorced or they
die a lingering death or they decide to . . . I don’t know . . . live lives
of quiet desperation. If it’s Chekhov, there are fabulous pauses, one
right after the other. Or Iambic pentameter, God, that would put any-
body to sleep. But here’s the best part, nobody ever wakes you be-
cause a) it’s socially embarrassing or b) they’re asleep, too. One time,

84 81
SEZ SHEand . . . look at Mrs. Fields. But the only thing is . . . I’ve tasted
Fields, I like Mrs. Fields and . . . I’m no Mrs. Fields. . . .
Jane Martin You’re an actress. I mean a real actress. You’ve been on Br
way. In straight plays.
You’re like some magnificent dinosaur. . . .
Seriocomic The stage is your home. . . .
Actress, a college studentYou see you’ve . . . you’ve lived my dream.
I mean I guess you’re . . . not doing so well financially, or
A young college wouldn’t
student confronts
be here.her
Andhistory
maybeprofessor.
you have a problem with alcohol,
maybe you’re bitter about how your career and your life have g
ACTRESS: Professor Drysdale? Professor
but so what? Drysdale?
At least I’m terribly
you’ve lived on the sorry
stage.toI’dcome
go through all
puffing up to youandallmore
out ofjust
breath
to belike this,actress.
a real but I had a question about
Rome, really. I’m not keeping you from class, am I? Oh good, I would
hate to be a nuisance. I’m not imposing, am I? Oh, double good. You
see I seem to have lost or incorrectly discarded or mistakenly eaten
my January 17th notes, and I’m completely flummoxed as to whether
it was Scipio or Cato who died in exile? Oh good, Scipio, right, well
that clears that right up, I was so flummoxed. Wait, Professor Drys-
dale, one more question, just one, I promise. I wondered if we’d be
taking off our clothes again anytime soon? I’m not speaking too loudly,
am I? Because if we were, if that was on the schedule, I think I’d like
to be conscious this time. Just for the experience. Because that drink
you gave me, well, I just wasn’t really aware of all the fun we must
have had after that, and now that I’ve been (How did Curio the Younger
put it?) deflowered, I was hoping to be present the next time, and get
the full effect. Hi, Sally, hi, Alexander! Oh really? No, I don’t think
I can make it to the study group because as far as I know, Professor
Drysdale will be sexually harassing me this evening. I know, he looks
kind of old and wizened, but that doesn’t matter because, luckily he
has knockout drops which skims us right past the age difference. Bye.
So I could probably meet you around six because I have a meeting
with Dean Montgomery at four, nothing academic, just a little per-
sonal problem, but it won’t take too long. So, anyway, we could dis-
cuss the aqueducts and Hadrian, and then you could take advantage
of me, which might get a little kinky because I’ll be wired this time.
Bye, Professor Drysdale. Can’t wait. See you. Bye. Quo Vadis.

88 85
HOWSHAKESPEARE
PEOPLE IN
HOLLYWOOD
ul Weitz
mic
Ken Ludwig
lie, twenties

Comic
Natalie is an aspiring actress who’s been hired by a wealthy, eccen-
Olivia, twenties
tric young man to impersonate his fiancée during a weekend at his
posh Hamptons beach house. He needs a “fiancée” to meet his par-
Olivia is a 30s Hollywood movie starlet, cast as Hermia in what is
ents, who are also visiting. Natalie has found out that the “parents”
to become Max Reinhardt’s legendary film of A Midsummer Night’s
are also actors, hired to play the parents for the weekend. They were
Dream. She is unprepared for today’s filming and explains to a guy
once regularly on Broadway, but they haven’t had jobs for years. Be-
she thinks is another actor that she needs to lay low for a while to
cause they are experienced actors, though, Natalie asks the “Mom,”
try and learn her lines. The guy she’s talking to is Oberon. The real
Marnie, for advice, and for reassurance.
Oberon, from the play, who has wandered on to the set.
ALIE: Do you think I’m a good actress? . . .
OLIVIA: I’m in this movie. I play Hermia. And I fought so hard to get the
I came to New York six years ago to be an actress, and . . . this
role, you have no idea! I did screen test after screen test, and I mem-
year, my only role was I played a topless horse in an avant-garde play
orized the entire part. Only a different part. I wanted to play
based on Picasso’s Guernica. . . .
Puck. . . .
I mean, I was topless, in the role. The director talked me into
I know, you think a boy should play him, but until this century,
it. He wanted me completely nude, but I drew the line. . . .
Puck was always a girl. . . .
So I’m prancing around on stage with my boobs hanging out,
Anyway, I got the part of Hermia, which is tremendous, it’s the
snorting and kicking, when I see my stepfather in the audience. He
biggest break I ever had, and of course to play opposite Dick Pow-
hasn’t seen me act since the first grade. He never came to any of the
ell, the biggest heartthrob in Hollywood, he’s such a sweetheart, God
high school musicals. But he was in New York for the weekend for
in heaven, but I was going to really memorize the lines last night, at
a Toyota sales convention. And he decided to surprise me by com-
least get a start and learn the ones for today, but then my brother got
ing to my play, because I sent my mother a postcard about it. Now
a cable from his base that he was being sent to flight school in the
he’s sitting in an audience of ten people, who are outnumbered by
morning! So anyway, we stayed up the entire night so we could spend
the actors, and I’ve got my tits exposed, I’m neighing, making a com-
a few more hours together, and we tried to make a party of it, and I
plete idiot of myself. And the worst thing was, after the performance,
guess I got a little drunk and then I woke up this morning and I
he told me he never knew I had that much talent. . . .
hadn’t learned the lines, at least the way I want to, and I just can’t
So anyway, after the stepfather thing I decided that was it, I was
bear to face the great Max Reinhardt without being well prepared,
going to quit acting and go back to Columbus, and start a muffin
so I’m hiding out to get some time alone so I can memorize it bet-
business called “Magnificent Muffins.” I’ve always liked baking,
ter since I’d look like such a fool if I didn’t know it really well, do
you see?

86 87
SHOWSHAKESPEARE
PEOPLE IN
HOLLYWOOD
Paul Weitz
Comic
Ken Ludwig
Natalie, twenties

Comic
Natalie is an aspiring actress who’s been hired by a wealthy, eccen-
Olivia, twenties
tric young man to impersonate his fiancée during a weekend at his
posh Hamptons beach house. He needs a “fiancée” to meet his par-
Olivia is a 30s Hollywood movie starlet, cast as Hermia in what is
ents, who are also visiting. Natalie has found out that the “parents”
to become Max Reinhardt’s legendary film of A Midsummer Night’s
are also actors, hired to play the parents for the weekend. They were
Dream. She is unprepared for today’s filming and explains to a guy
once regularly on Broadway, but they haven’t had jobs for years. Be-
she thinks is another actor that she needs to lay low for a while to
cause they are experienced actors, though, Natalie asks the “Mom,”
try and learn her lines. The guy she’s talking to is Oberon. The real
Marnie, for advice, and for reassurance.
Oberon, from the play, who has wandered on to the set.
NATALIE: Do you think I’m a good actress? . . .
OLIVIA: I’m in this movie. I play Hermia. And I fought so hard to ge
I came to New York six years ago to be an actress, and . . . this
role, you have no idea! I did screen test after screen test, and I m
year, my only role was I played a topless horse in an avant-garde play
orized the entire part. Only a different part. I wanted to
based on Picasso’s Guernica. . . .
Puck. . . .
I mean, I was topless, in the role. The director talked me into
I know, you think a boy should play him, but until this cen
it. He wanted me completely nude, but I drew the line. . . .
Puck was always a girl. . . .
So I’m prancing around on stage with my boobs hanging out,
Anyway, I got the part of Hermia, which is tremendous, it’
snorting and kicking, when I see my stepfather in the audience. He
biggest break I ever had, and of course to play opposite Dick P
hasn’t seen me act since the first grade. He never came to any of the
ell, the biggest heartthrob in Hollywood, he’s such a sweetheart,
high school musicals. But he was in New York for the weekend for
in heaven, but I was going to really memorize the lines last nigh
a Toyota sales convention. And he decided to surprise me by com-
least get a start and learn the ones for today, but then my brothe
ing to my play, because I sent my mother a postcard about it. Now
a cable from his base that he was being sent to flight school in
he’s sitting in an audience of ten people, who are outnumbered by
morning! So anyway, we stayed up the entire night so we could sp
the actors, and I’ve got my tits exposed, I’m neighing, making a com-
a few more hours together, and we tried to make a party of it, a
plete idiot of myself. And the worst thing was, after the performance,
guess I got a little drunk and then I woke up this morning a
he told me he never knew I had that much talent. . . .
hadn’t learned the lines, at least the way I want to, and I just
So anyway, after the stepfather thing I decided that was it, I was
bear to face the great Max Reinhardt without being well prepa
going to quit acting and go back to Columbus, and start a muffin
so I’m hiding out to get some time alone so I can memorize it
business called “Magnificent Muffins.” I’ve always liked baking,
ter since I’d look like such a fool if I didn’t know it really wel
you see?

86 87
EZ SHEand . . . look at Mrs. Fields. But the only thing is . . . I’ve tasted Mrs.
Fields, I like Mrs. Fields and . . . I’m no Mrs. Fields. . . .
ne Martin You’re an actress. I mean a real actress. You’ve been on Broad-
way. In straight plays.
You’re like some magnificent dinosaur. . . .
ocomic The stage is your home. . . .
ess, a college studentYou see you’ve . . . you’ve lived my dream.
I mean I guess you’re . . . not doing so well financially, or you
A young college wouldn’t
student confronts
be here.her
Andhistory
maybeprofessor.
you have a problem with alcohol, and
maybe you’re bitter about how your career and your life have gone,
RESS: Professor Drysdale? Professor
but so what? Drysdale?
At least I’m terribly
you’ve lived on the sorry
stage.toI’dcome
go through all that
puffing up to youandallmore
out ofjust
breath
to belike this,actress.
a real but I had a question about
Rome, really. I’m not keeping you from class, am I? Oh good, I would
hate to be a nuisance. I’m not imposing, am I? Oh, double good. You
see I seem to have lost or incorrectly discarded or mistakenly eaten
my January 17th notes, and I’m completely flummoxed as to whether
it was Scipio or Cato who died in exile? Oh good, Scipio, right, well
that clears that right up, I was so flummoxed. Wait, Professor Drys-
dale, one more question, just one, I promise. I wondered if we’d be
taking off our clothes again anytime soon? I’m not speaking too loudly,
am I? Because if we were, if that was on the schedule, I think I’d like
to be conscious this time. Just for the experience. Because that drink
you gave me, well, I just wasn’t really aware of all the fun we must
have had after that, and now that I’ve been (How did Curio the Younger
put it?) deflowered, I was hoping to be present the next time, and get
the full effect. Hi, Sally, hi, Alexander! Oh really? No, I don’t think
I can make it to the study group because as far as I know, Professor
Drysdale will be sexually harassing me this evening. I know, he looks
kind of old and wizened, but that doesn’t matter because, luckily he
has knockout drops which skims us right past the age difference. Bye.
So I could probably meet you around six because I have a meeting
with Dean Montgomery at four, nothing academic, just a little per-
sonal problem, but it won’t take too long. So, anyway, we could dis-
cuss the aqueducts and Hadrian, and then you could take advantage
of me, which might get a little kinky because I’ll be wired this time.
Bye, Professor Drysdale. Can’t wait. See you. Bye. Quo Vadis.

88 85
SHOW PEOPLE
little four-year-old and my little six-year-old and nine-year-old
feed them, and thinking I was loving them so much and they w
Paul Weitz just look at you with the littlest, sweetest faces. And I caused
violation. If I hadn’t invited that man into my house . . . I’m the
son all of this has happened to everybody. I’m the guilty per
Dramatic, with a tinge
Umof . . seriocomic
. And I had to take care of it. And I did that. And I knew
Marnie, fifties to sixties
vicar of this area and I went to that person. And he was overwhelm
Because it was the first time he had ever heard of it. And he inv
Once a fairly successful
Father JohnBroadway
Geoghanactress, Marnie
down hasn’t
to his worked
house, in rectory, had lu
to the
years. She and herwithhusband,
him. They also sat
an across
actor, have been from
the table hired by another, and whe
each
eccentric, wealthy young
asked manJohn
Father to impersonate
Geoghan — his Father
parentsJohn
during a
Geoghan readily ad
weekend at his Hamptons
ted it. Andbeach house.
he said to Reluctant
the vicar, at
oh,first to give
well, thisonly two famili
it was
her all, Marnie is finally provoked into telling off her “son.”

MARNIE: Now listen here, you little bastard. You think you had a hard time
having us as parents? Well try having you for a son! . . .
You were a sullen little creature, from the day you were born.
No before that. Do you know the hours we spent reading to you while
you were in the womb? We read you poetry. Yeats. Rilke — in the
original German! We read you Robert Frost, dammit! And I hate Robert
Frost. I went through a twenty-three hour labor with you, you were
so reluctant to face the world, it was like giving birth to a mule! And
when you finally did emerge, I’ve never seen a less lovable baby! You
never smiled, never laughed. You used to cry, wail at the top of your
lungs, until one of us came rushing in at four in the morning, then
you’d stop crying immediately, and you’d stare at us, with this un-
pleasant, critical expression on your face. You know what your first
word was? . . .
No. We just told you it was Dada. But really, it was “Mine!” You
used to sit there in your crib, saying “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!” You
were an ugly baby. And a bully. We couldn’t put you in a crib with
another child, because you’d pinch them. But still we loved you. . . .
Your father was so proud. His face beamed when he was around
you. You could feel his heart swelling up with love for his son. It was
something he wanted his whole life. A child. We tried, and tried, had

92 89
 N our hopes raised up and dashed, so many times, and finally, just when
we’d give up hope, you arrived. . . .
A CARDINAL DEPOSED)
You arrived, and you broke our hearts. Well, you know what,
I’m glad we never had children. I’m glad, Jerry. Because this is how
chael Murphy
they end up!

matic
yetta Dussourd, thirties to forties

Sin is about the trial of an American Roman Catholic Cardinal

accused of covering up allegations of sexual abuse by priests in his
archdiocese. This is the deposition of the mother of one of the mo-
lested boys.

YETTA: Um, Father Geoghan invited himself to our home so he

could get to know the family. Which — any priest that’s child ori-
entated . . . He was CYO, he had the altar boys he was in charge of.
That seems perfectly natural. He’s around children all the time. So
he came and he dropped down to meet the family. And it just be-
came he’d drop in when he wanted to drop in. He’d talk to me about
the prayer group, um, and things like that, how he could be a help
with the children. So he seemed like he was a friend. Um. The way
that I found out was that my sister made a phone call to me and she
had told me that my sons had been raped by Father John Geoghan.
And that I needed to speak to my sons. And that’s how I found out.
And immediately after, I took the older child and I separated him
and I talked with him. And . . . My child became filled with fear. He
was crying and shaking. He told me that Father John Geoghan said
that I wouldn’t believe him. That I . . . had too much faith in the
church . . . and that I wouldn’t believe him. And then my son told
me how things happened. He told me how Father Geoghan threat-
ened him. And immediately my child tried to run out our back
door — and I, I pulled my son back and I told my son that I would
never, ever stop loving him. And I told my son that no way could
Father Geoghan ever separate us. Well, the thing is, it separated us,
it separated everybody in that . . . I felt so guilty. I would dress my

90 91
SIN our hopes raised up and dashed, so many times, and finally, just w
we’d give up hope, you arrived. . . .
(A CARDINAL DEPOSED)
You arrived, and you broke our hearts. Well, you know w
I’m glad we never had children. I’m glad, Jerry. Because this is
Michael Murphy
they end up!

Dramatic
Maryetta Dussourd, thirties to forties

Sin is about the trial of an American Roman Catholic Cardinal

accused of covering up allegations of sexual abuse by priests in his
archdiocese. This is the deposition of the mother of one of the mo-
lested boys.

MARYETTA: Um, Father Geoghan invited himself to our home so he

could get to know the family. Which — any priest that’s child ori-
entated . . . He was CYO, he had the altar boys he was in charge of.
That seems perfectly natural. He’s around children all the time. So
he came and he dropped down to meet the family. And it just be-
came he’d drop in when he wanted to drop in. He’d talk to me about
the prayer group, um, and things like that, how he could be a help
with the children. So he seemed like he was a friend. Um. The way
that I found out was that my sister made a phone call to me and she
had told me that my sons had been raped by Father John Geoghan.
And that I needed to speak to my sons. And that’s how I found out.
And immediately after, I took the older child and I separated him
and I talked with him. And . . . My child became filled with fear. He
was crying and shaking. He told me that Father John Geoghan said
that I wouldn’t believe him. That I . . . had too much faith in the
church . . . and that I wouldn’t believe him. And then my son told
me how things happened. He told me how Father Geoghan threat-
ened him. And immediately my child tried to run out our back
door — and I, I pulled my son back and I told my son that I would
never, ever stop loving him. And I told my son that no way could
Father Geoghan ever separate us. Well, the thing is, it separated us,
it separated everybody in that . . . I felt so guilty. I would dress my

90 91
HOW PEOPLE
little four-year-old and my little six-year-old and nine-year-old and
feed them, and thinking I was loving them so much and they would
ul Weitz just look at you with the littlest, sweetest faces. And I caused their
violation. If I hadn’t invited that man into my house . . . I’m the rea-
son all of this has happened to everybody. I’m the guilty person.
matic, with a tinge
Umof . . seriocomic
. And I had to take care of it. And I did that. And I knew the
nie, fifties to sixties
vicar of this area and I went to that person. And he was overwhelmed.
Because it was the first time he had ever heard of it. And he invited
Once a fairly successful
Father JohnBroadway
Geoghanactress, Marnie
down hasn’t
to his worked
house, in rectory, had lunch
to the
years. She and herwithhusband,
him. They also sat
an across
actor, have been from
the table hired by another, and when he
each
eccentric, wealthy young
asked manJohn
Father to impersonate
Geoghan — his Father
parentsJohn
during a
Geoghan readily admit-
weekend at his Hamptons
ted it. Andbeach house.
he said to Reluctant
the vicar, at
oh,first to give
well, thisonly two families.
it was
her all, Marnie is finally provoked into telling off her “son.”

NIE: Now listen here, you little bastard. You think you had a hard time
having us as parents? Well try having you for a son! . . .
You were a sullen little creature, from the day you were born.
No before that. Do you know the hours we spent reading to you while
you were in the womb? We read you poetry. Yeats. Rilke — in the
original German! We read you Robert Frost, dammit! And I hate Robert
Frost. I went through a twenty-three hour labor with you, you were
so reluctant to face the world, it was like giving birth to a mule! And
when you finally did emerge, I’ve never seen a less lovable baby! You
never smiled, never laughed. You used to cry, wail at the top of your
lungs, until one of us came rushing in at four in the morning, then
you’d stop crying immediately, and you’d stare at us, with this un-
pleasant, critical expression on your face. You know what your first
word was? . . .
No. We just told you it was Dada. But really, it was “Mine!” You
used to sit there in your crib, saying “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!” You
were an ugly baby. And a bully. We couldn’t put you in a crib with
another child, because you’d pinch them. But still we loved you. . . .
Your father was so proud. His face beamed when he was around
you. You could feel his heart swelling up with love for his son. It was
something he wanted his whole life. A child. We tried, and tried, had

92 89
ST. SCARLET
THE THEODORE
ROOSEVELT ROTUNDA
Julia Jordan
Jennifer Camp
Dramatic
Rose, twenty-nine
Seriocomic
Lillian, British, forties
Rose’s mother has recently died. Here, she is talking to Vinnie, a
strange man from New York with whom she once had a one-night
Lillian is a literature professor. Here, she talks to the audience about
stand.
how the Museum of Natural History in New York symbolizes Amer-
ica and Americans.
ROSE: We didn’t get along so well. She was real buttoned up. Me, I’m more
like my dad. She was always trying to shut me down. Kicked me out
LILLIAN: I cannot understand why the Americans have such a fascina
when I was seventeen. . . .
with the bottom. Kick your ass. We really kicked butt. Whup yu
There was this boy and . . . I don’t know. He had perfect skin.
Kiss my ass. I’ve been here for almost six months and no one’s
My hands shook when I touched it, it, like, glowed so hard. And he
able to explain it to me. It’s baffling. I mean, it’s all either got t
dared me . . . We got caught together on the convent lawn. It was a
with kicking or kissing. Sex and violence. That’s what drew m
pretty effective fuck you, considering the fact she taught at the school.
this place. It’s full of sex and violence. In Virginia Woolf ’s novel
So then there was a fight and I told her I didn’t have to take that shit,
Dalloway, of which I’m somewhat of an expert, there’s a passage w
and she said, “Leave then,” and I did. Left for bigger places and other
reads, “ . . . she always had the feeling that it was very, very dan
boys, in bars and clubs with spinning lights. Lights that spun so hard.
ous to live even one day.” I quite agree. Mildred was against my c
And those lights were beautiful to me, can’t explain it, but they were,
ing to New York from the beginning. Mildred says I’m an avo
for a while. ’Til my eyes adjusted. But then it was just someone else,
Avoider. I don’t even think that’s a word. She said to me the day
someplace else. And on and on like that ’til skin was just skin again.
fore I left, she said, “You’re like Oedipus, Lillian. You’re running
No light inside it. No glow at all. Convent lawn boy? Taken over his
running and running and one day you’re going to discover that w
dad’s hardware store. God, he looks dull. Didn’t remember my name.
you’re running from is you. That you are the person you seek.” I
Not off the top of his head. At least he recognized me. My mom
Mildred. but she’s right. I do have one form of movement and
didn’t, or only half did. Sometimes. You’ve come all this way and made
forward. That doesn’t really explain, of course, why I find I can’
up this big thing and . . . Look, I slept with you and I barely remember
tually go in the museum. That I stop in the lobby. Perhaps I’m
you. Why would you want someone like that?
not quite up to facing it all. I mean, is one meant to assume that
Museum of Natural History implies the natural history of everyth
That’s a rather lofty aim, isn’t it? Some mornings I can’t even be
look in the mirror so I hardly think I should be prepared to face
entire natural history of everything.

96 93
 TATJANA IN COLOR
on her face. A shimmering that she could not only see, but feel and
hear and almost taste. It was an angel. And the shimmering she felt,
Julia being
were her wounds Jordan healed. The next day she walked out of the
dungeon, more beautiful than ever. For you see, there was a tiny bit
of angel glow still left on her skin. And the emperor wanted to marry
her more thanDramatic
ever. But when he asked for her hand, she declined
Tatjana,
for the second timetwelve
because she loved God and was promptly boiled
in oil. He wanted to burn the light off her skin. But she didn’t die,
just got scaldedTatjana is talking
a bit. And the angelto the Painter
came to herEgon Schieleand
dungeon about her namesake,
healed
the Patron
her wounds a second time. Saint of students.
So you can imagine what happened . . .
. . . he dragged her through the streets behind a team of ice-white
horses! ButTATJANA : When
she lived to seeSaint Martyress
the angel of theTatjana died,a itthird
dungeon was time.
extraordinary. . . .
But this time she was Sheextremely
was very rich.tired,And had can
as you everything,
imagine.fursSo and
she silks and ban-
quetsand
prayed to the angel andtofeasts.
God But shesave
to not didn’t
hercare a fig time.
a third for any
Butof let
it. She wanted to
her die and joinbethema saint. ...
in heaven. But the angel did not answer and
she steeled herself for She just torture
more could not helpshe
when it. walked
She wasoutso saintly
of the she
dun-gave away every-
thingsoshe
geon, so beautiful, fullhad to thethat
of light poor andthe
even deprived.
emperor,And whothey
wor- had never tasted
shipped the sun, anything as sweet
could barely lookasatthe
her.cakes she lavished
He asked on them.
for her hand and And they had
never
she said . . . “No, feltmarried
I am anything to so softI as
God. hernever
will dresses of velvet
betray him.”andSo silk. She made
them And
he cut off her head. happy.she. got
. . her wish. The angel let her die and
join them in heaven.She Andwore theis rags
that howofTatjana
the poor and deprived,
became which scratched her
the martyress
and patron saint skin. ...
of students. The end.
And she tended to the sick and visited people in dungeons to
cheer them up and pray for them. . . .
And she liked to pray. She apparently did a lot of praying. But
on top of all that, she was beautiful, the most beautiful girl anyone
had ever seen. . . .
The emperor wanted to marry her. But he worshipped Apollo . . .
She would not marry him. She would not wear a crown and a
purple velvet robe and worship the sun. It would have gotten in the
way of the proper praying. . . .
She refused him. So the emperor tortured her with iron hooks,
but still she would not renounce God. The emperor threw her into
his dungeon, that she had so often visited before to comfort others.
But she was alone. And it was dark. And damp. And cold. But sud-
denly, the walls started to glow and there was a beautiful warm light

94 95
 TATJANA IN COLOR
on her face. A shimmering that she could not only see, but feel and
hear and almost taste. It was an angel. And the shimmering she felt,
Julia being
were her wounds Jordan healed. The next day she walked out of the
dungeon, more beautiful than ever. For you see, there was a tiny bit
of angel glow still left on her skin. And the emperor wanted to marry
her more thanDramatic
ever. But when he asked for her hand, she declined
Tatjana,
for the second timetwelve
because she loved God and was promptly boiled
in oil. He wanted to burn the light off her skin. But she didn’t die,
just got scaldedTatjana is talking
a bit. And the angelto the Painter
came to herEgon Schieleand
dungeon about her namesake,
healed
the Patron
her wounds a second time. Saint of students.
So you can imagine what happened . . .
. . . he dragged her through the streets behind a team of ice-white
horses! ButTATJANA : When
she lived to seeSaint Martyress
the angel of theTatjana died,a itthird
dungeon was time.
extraordinary. .
But this time she was Sheextremely
was very rich.tired,And had can
as you everything,
imagine.fursSo and
she silks and
quetsand
prayed to the angel andtofeasts.
God But shesave
to not didn’t
hercare a fig time.
a third for any
Butof let
it. She wante
her die and joinbethema saint. ...
in heaven. But the angel did not answer and
she steeled herself for She just torture
more could not helpshe
when it. walked
She wasoutso saintly
of the she
dun-gave away ev
thingsoshe
geon, so beautiful, fullhad to thethat
of light poor andthe
even deprived.
emperor,And whothey
wor- had never ta
shipped the sun, anything as sweet
could barely lookasatthe
her.cakes she lavished
He asked on them.
for her hand and And they
never
she said . . . “No, feltmarried
I am anything to so softI as
God. hernever
will dresses of velvet
betray him.”andSo silk. She m
them And
he cut off her head. happy.she. got
. . her wish. The angel let her die and
join them in heaven.She Andwore theis rags
that howofTatjana
the poor and deprived,
became which scratched
the martyress
and patron saint skin. ...
of students. The end.
And she tended to the sick and visited people in dungeon
cheer them up and pray for them. . . .
And she liked to pray. She apparently did a lot of praying.
on top of all that, she was beautiful, the most beautiful girl any
had ever seen. . . .
The emperor wanted to marry her. But he worshipped Apollo
She would not marry him. She would not wear a crown a
purple velvet robe and worship the sun. It would have gotten in
way of the proper praying. . . .
She refused him. So the emperor tortured her with iron ho
but still she would not renounce God. The emperor threw her
his dungeon, that she had so often visited before to comfort ot
But she was alone. And it was dark. And damp. And cold. But
denly, the walls started to glow and there was a beautiful warm

94 95
T. SCARLET
THE THEODORE
ROOSEVELT ROTUNDA
a Jordan
Jennifer Camp
matic
, twenty-nine
Seriocomic
Lillian, British, forties
Rose’s mother has recently died. Here, she is talking to Vinnie, a
strange man from New York with whom she once had a one-night
Lillian is a literature professor. Here, she talks to the audience about
stand.
how the Museum of Natural History in New York symbolizes Amer-
ica and Americans.
: We didn’t get along so well. She was real buttoned up. Me, I’m more
like my dad. She was always trying to shut me down. Kicked me out
LILLIAN: I cannot understand why the Americans have such a fascination
when I was seventeen. . . .
with the bottom. Kick your ass. We really kicked butt. Whup yur ass.
There was this boy and . . . I don’t know. He had perfect skin.
Kiss my ass. I’ve been here for almost six months and no one’s been
My hands shook when I touched it, it, like, glowed so hard. And he
able to explain it to me. It’s baffling. I mean, it’s all either got to do
dared me . . . We got caught together on the convent lawn. It was a
with kicking or kissing. Sex and violence. That’s what drew me to
pretty effective fuck you, considering the fact she taught at the school.
this place. It’s full of sex and violence. In Virginia Woolf ’s novel Mrs.
So then there was a fight and I told her I didn’t have to take that shit,
Dalloway, of which I’m somewhat of an expert, there’s a passage which
and she said, “Leave then,” and I did. Left for bigger places and other
reads, “ . . . she always had the feeling that it was very, very danger-
boys, in bars and clubs with spinning lights. Lights that spun so hard.
ous to live even one day.” I quite agree. Mildred was against my com-
And those lights were beautiful to me, can’t explain it, but they were,
ing to New York from the beginning. Mildred says I’m an avoider.
for a while. ’Til my eyes adjusted. But then it was just someone else,
Avoider. I don’t even think that’s a word. She said to me the day be-
someplace else. And on and on like that ’til skin was just skin again.
fore I left, she said, “You’re like Oedipus, Lillian. You’re running and
No light inside it. No glow at all. Convent lawn boy? Taken over his
running and running and one day you’re going to discover that what
dad’s hardware store. God, he looks dull. Didn’t remember my name.
you’re running from is you. That you are the person you seek.” I hate
Not off the top of his head. At least he recognized me. My mom
Mildred. but she’s right. I do have one form of movement and it’s
didn’t, or only half did. Sometimes. You’ve come all this way and made
forward. That doesn’t really explain, of course, why I find I can’t ac-
up this big thing and . . . Look, I slept with you and I barely remember
tually go in the museum. That I stop in the lobby. Perhaps I’m just
you. Why would you want someone like that?
not quite up to facing it all. I mean, is one meant to assume that The
Museum of Natural History implies the natural history of everything?
That’s a rather lofty aim, isn’t it? Some mornings I can’t even bear to
look in the mirror so I hardly think I should be prepared to face the
entire natural history of everything.

96 93
THOSE was
WHO CAN, DO
going on and when I looked down where the lights were po
ing, I could see a bunch of people at the end of the street, and a
Brighde Mullins
sitting in a seat on the top of a crane, talking to them.
And then I saw the cameras.
Dramatic Next thing I know, the crane man shouts “Action!” and all t
Ann Marie, mid-thirties
people at the end of the street start screaming their lungs out and
ning right toward where I’m standing. And then they stopped,
The Staten Island theFerry.
directorAnn—Marie see I’dcomesfiguredto terms
out bywiththenleaving
that the crane man
her job as a teacher and returning
the director — starts to advertising.
yelling: “It’s not right!! It’s not right!! It’s
what I want, people! It doesn’t have the pa-thos” — that’s wha
ANN MARIE: In Italy they
said,call their —
pa-thos teachers “maestro.”
“It doesn’t have theIn Ireland
pa-thos!” theBoy,
teacher
he was having
is the town hero. In Jewish
about one ofculture
the worst the temper
teacher tantrums
is heaped I’ve witheverpraise.
seen. And rig
In America you’re that the
veryVillage
moment, Idiot, the “One
he spots Who Can’t,”
me standing over- and he po
in the crowd,
worked, invisible until
right at targeted,
me and he surrounded
shouts: “There by thesheineptis! and saddled
There’s my pa-thos!”
with the Walking Wounded, Well, I don’t the know
casualtieswhatofhe’san uncivilized
talking about, civiliza-
but the next t
tion. Yes, I fled.I Yes.
knowIt there’s
was allall a learning
these movie experience. One thing
people around that me if I w
me asking
I learned is thattothere
be inisthe some
movie validity
too and in the
if my well-worn
parents will phrase, theand I tell t
let me,
saying handed sure,
down.my The phrasewon’t
parents that mind
cropped thatupI for
get me,
to beeven in aasmovie
I and p
was flailing wassoon“no I’mone standing
is my enemy, at theno oneend
other is my friend,
of the street everyone
with all the other
is my teacher.” pleIt’s and
a nice thought,
what anyway. to
I’m supposed Neutralizes
do is this:the paranoia.
Maybe that’s what my Whenshrink meant starts
everyone when yelling
she saidandthatrunning,
Celia freaked
I’m supposed to
me out becausebehindof . . . with
I don’tmyknow. box of I am all right
orange juicewith
andNot startKnow-
crying “Where’s
ing. I don’t need to knowWhere’s
mommy? why she mybothered
mommy?” mereal
so sad
much.andWas she
scared-like, and th
dangerous? Didkind I take of her
turnmanias
aroundtoo and personally?
look up and It’s get
my this
life. really,
I have really horr
to take it personally.
expression on my face, just like I see something so awful I can’t
(Tiny beat.) find the words to describe it — like this:
I still take the Ferry some nights,
(She makes the facejust for tous.)see the proximity of the
moon, hear the screams — and of gulls,
then see the silhouette
I scream and fall of downthe skyline.
dead in My a faint, like th
idealism ended in a(She court-case,
screams and my falls
career downchange
deadended in stretch
in a faint, then pops back u
marks, no matter! I So learned
I do allsomeof thatthings.
three times, and I’m getting to be really g
(Little pause.)
at it — I mean, watch out Angelina Jolie! — and the director
I sit on the“That’s
top deck fine,ofthat’s
the Ferry.
just the Whenrightitpa-thos
nudgesIinto need!portWhy, in just as soo
Staten Island, Iwe don’t
addgetin off.
all ofI wait. I simply wait.special
the computerized It willeffects,
reverseit’lldi- be perfect
rection. After ten minutes the heft
So, finally, almost of the
a yearferry churns
later, we goback to seeto the
Man- movie, right?
hattan, where Imother
still feelandsafefather,
just walking
all of myaround.
friends, even my Aunt Neddie — ev
(Sounds in:body the city,
goesitstosirens,
see mesubwayin mynoises.)
first movie. I mean, there are so man

100 97
WHATWATERBORN
ANDY WARHOL
EVER TOLD
Edith L. Freni ME
bert Pridham
Dramatic
Leslie, twenties
ocomic
wanda, ten to fourteen
Leslie is explaining to her husband, Mark, about why “natural child-
birth” is not for her.
For one group of middle school girls, becoming famous is an
all-consuming goal. Here, Shawanda describes her unexpected brush
LESLIE: Magic is pulling rabbits out of hats and making decks of cards ap-
with fame.
pear out of thin air which . . . would be great in the case of babies
but alas it is not magic that causes perfectly normal women to grunt
WANDA: My Fifteen Minutes of Fame, by Shawanda Cleese.
and scream and BLEED PROFUSELY and totally lose bowel con-
Andy Warhol was a famous American artist who painted pictures
trol before forcing something the size of a rabbit out of something
of soup cans and Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Kennedy and other fa-
the size of a deck of cards. THAT is just “the way it is” and THAT
mous people, and you can still see his paintings in museums all over
does not sound like so much fun to me, in fact, it’s always sounded
the world. But he was also famous for some of the things he said,
like a rather humiliating way to spend six to twenty-four hours. So,
and one of the most famous things he said was that, sooner or later,
you’ll forgive me, but if I’m gonna have to go through all that shit,
everyone in the world would be famous for fifteen minutes. And he
I don’t want to be conscious of its happening. I don’t want to feel it
was right, because my fifteen minutes happened to me last summer.
or experience it — I’ll tell you what I want — I want a hospital gown,
But what Andy Warhol forgot to say was that you never know when
a bed and strong painkillers. I want a doctor, a couple nurses
your fifteen minutes are going to happen, and if you aren’t ready and
maybe — all female by the way — and I want you in the waiting
don’t know how to make the best of them, your fifteen minutes will
room, pacing back and forth with a cigar in your shirt pocket just
be over and only your normal old life will be left. So don’t miss your
like my father did. No camcorders pointed at my fucking cunt, no
chance! Be prepared!!! Because I, Shawanda Cleese, am living proof
sweat-drenched hair stroking, I-love-you-so-much-honeys. No weepy
that your fifteen minutes can sneak up on you when you least expect
moments after it’s all over and certainly no visitors while I recoup.
them.
Sorry but this chick, not into it. Blame my mother if you wanna blame
One Sunday morning, I went to the corner store on our street
someone but don’t look at me ’cause you knew I was this way when
to get the Sunday newspaper for my father and one of those big, boxy
we got married.
things of orange juice for my mom and little sister. I like to go to the
store on Sunday morning — it’s my time for myself. But on this par-
ticular Sunday morning, I could see a whole lot of people on the cor-
ner and a couple of big trucks and lights and electric wires running
all over the street and I could hear somebody yelling — sounded like
into a microphone or something. I went up to the corner to see what

98 99
WHATWATERBORN
ANDY WARHOL
NEVER TOLD
Edith L. Freni ME
Robert Pridham
Dramatic
Leslie, twenties
Seriocomic
Shawanda, ten to fourteen
Leslie is explaining to her husband, Mark, about why “natural child-
birth” is not for her.
For one group of middle school girls, becoming famous is an
all-consuming goal. Here, Shawanda describes her unexpected brush
LESLIE: Magic is pulling rabbits out of hats and making decks of card
with fame.
pear out of thin air which . . . would be great in the case of ba
but alas it is not magic that causes perfectly normal women to g
SHAWANDA: My Fifteen Minutes of Fame, by Shawanda Cleese.
and scream and BLEED PROFUSELY and totally lose bowel
Andy Warhol was a famous American artist who painted pictures
trol before forcing something the size of a rabbit out of somet
of soup cans and Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Kennedy and other fa-
the size of a deck of cards. THAT is just “the way it is” and TH
mous people, and you can still see his paintings in museums all over
does not sound like so much fun to me, in fact, it’s always soun
the world. But he was also famous for some of the things he said,
like a rather humiliating way to spend six to twenty-four hours
and one of the most famous things he said was that, sooner or later,
you’ll forgive me, but if I’m gonna have to go through all that
everyone in the world would be famous for fifteen minutes. And he
I don’t want to be conscious of its happening. I don’t want to f
was right, because my fifteen minutes happened to me last summer.
or experience it — I’ll tell you what I want — I want a hospital go
But what Andy Warhol forgot to say was that you never know when
a bed and strong painkillers. I want a doctor, a couple nu
your fifteen minutes are going to happen, and if you aren’t ready and
maybe — all female by the way — and I want you in the wa
don’t know how to make the best of them, your fifteen minutes will
room, pacing back and forth with a cigar in your shirt pocket
be over and only your normal old life will be left. So don’t miss your
like my father did. No camcorders pointed at my fucking cunt
chance! Be prepared!!! Because I, Shawanda Cleese, am living proof
sweat-drenched hair stroking, I-love-you-so-much-honeys. No w
that your fifteen minutes can sneak up on you when you least expect
moments after it’s all over and certainly no visitors while I rec
them.
Sorry but this chick, not into it. Blame my mother if you wanna b
One Sunday morning, I went to the corner store on our street
someone but don’t look at me ’cause you knew I was this way w
to get the Sunday newspaper for my father and one of those big, boxy
we got married.
things of orange juice for my mom and little sister. I like to go to the
store on Sunday morning — it’s my time for myself. But on this par-
ticular Sunday morning, I could see a whole lot of people on the cor-
ner and a couple of big trucks and lights and electric wires running
all over the street and I could hear somebody yelling — sounded like
into a microphone or something. I went up to the corner to see what

98 99
HOSE was
WHO CAN, DO
going on and when I looked down where the lights were point-
ing, I could see a bunch of people at the end of the street, and a man
ghde Mullins
sitting in a seat on the top of a crane, talking to them.
And then I saw the cameras.
matic Next thing I know, the crane man shouts “Action!” and all those
Marie, mid-thirties
people at the end of the street start screaming their lungs out and run-
ning right toward where I’m standing. And then they stopped, and
The Staten Island theFerry.
directorAnn—Marie see I’dcomesfiguredto terms
out bywiththenleaving
that the crane man was
her job as a teacher and returning
the director — starts to advertising.
yelling: “It’s not right!! It’s not right!! It’s not
what I want, people! It doesn’t have the pa-thos” — that’s what he
MARIE: In Italy they
said,call their —
pa-thos teachers “maestro.”
“It doesn’t have theIn Ireland
pa-thos!” theBoy,
teacher
he was having just
is the town hero. In Jewish
about one ofculture
the worst the temper
teacher tantrums
is heaped I’ve witheverpraise.
seen. And right at
In America you’re that the
veryVillage
moment, Idiot, the “One
he spots Who Can’t,”
me standing over- and he points
in the crowd,
worked, invisible until
right at targeted,
me and he surrounded
shouts: “There by thesheineptis! and saddled
There’s my pa-thos!”
with the Walking Wounded, Well, I don’t the know
casualtieswhatofhe’san uncivilized
talking about, civiliza-
but the next thing
tion. Yes, I fled.I Yes.
knowIt there’s
was allall a learning
these movie experience. One thing
people around that me if I want
me asking
I learned is thattothere
be inisthe some
movie validity
too and in the
if my well-worn
parents will phrase, theand I tell them
let me,
saying handed sure,
down.my The phrasewon’t
parents that mind
cropped thatupI for
get me,
to beeven in aasmovie
I and pretty
was flailing wassoon“no I’mone standing
is my enemy, at theno oneend
other is my friend,
of the street everyone
with all the other peo-
is my teacher.” pleIt’s and
a nice thought,
what anyway. to
I’m supposed Neutralizes
do is this:the paranoia.
Maybe that’s what my Whenshrink meant starts
everyone when yelling
she saidandthatrunning,
Celia freaked
I’m supposed to stay
me out becausebehindof . . . with
I don’tmyknow. box of I am all right
orange juicewith
andNot startKnow-
crying “Where’s my
ing. I don’t need to knowWhere’s
mommy? why she mybothered
mommy?” mereal
so sad
much.andWas she
scared-like, and then I
dangerous? Didkind I take of her
turnmanias
aroundtoo and personally?
look up and It’s get
my this
life. really,
I have really horrified
to take it personally.
expression on my face, just like I see something so awful I can’t even
(Tiny beat.) find the words to describe it — like this:
I still take the Ferry some nights,
(She makes the facejust for tous.)see the proximity of the
moon, hear the screams — and of gulls,
then see the silhouette
I scream and fall of downthe skyline.
dead in My a faint, like this:
idealism ended in a(She court-case,
screams and my falls
career downchange
deadended in stretch
in a faint, then pops back up.)
marks, no matter! I So learned
I do allsomeof thatthings.
three times, and I’m getting to be really good
(Little pause.)
at it — I mean, watch out Angelina Jolie! — and the director says:
I sit on the“That’s
top deck fine,ofthat’s
the Ferry.
just the Whenrightitpa-thos
nudgesIinto need!portWhy, in just as soon as
Staten Island, Iwe don’t
addgetin off.
all ofI wait. I simply wait.special
the computerized It willeffects,
reverseit’lldi- be perfect!”
rection. After ten minutes the heft
So, finally, almost of the
a yearferry churns
later, we goback to seeto the
Man- movie, right? My
hattan, where Imother
still feelandsafefather,
just walking
all of myaround.
friends, even my Aunt Neddie — every-
(Sounds in:body the city,
goesitstosirens,
see mesubwayin mynoises.)
first movie. I mean, there are so many of

100 97
 WILD TURKEYS
us, we practically fill up the whole theater. And there I am, up on
the big screen — and you can see me just over to the right, there,
with all theDon Nigrorunning and screaming — and here comes
other people,
my big line: you can see me opening my mouth and I start to say
“Where’s my — ”
Dramatic
And right then, right at that very moment, this gigantic, hu-
Miranda,foot
mongous Godzilla sixteen
comes right down on top of me — I mean,
this thing is huge — and it squishes me right into the road. Flat.
This is the Right
Smooshed. Pancake-city. completein text of this short
the middle of my monologue
line. play. Lights up on
And that’s Miranda
the story of Tully,
my age sixteen,
fifteen sitting
minutes. Soinwhen
her own
Andycircle of light on an
Warhol
says everybody otherwise
is going todark
be stage,
famous wearing a T-shirt
for fifteen and panties,
minutes, in the morn-
he’s right.
But he better telling.
everybody to be ready, because you never know when
those fifteen minutes will come — and if you’re not careful, your fif-
teen minutes will get
MIRANDA : They stood in
smooshed in the
the road,
yard by justthe
likewoods
mine.again this morning.
Seven wild turkeys, shambling along
like spectral old ladies with buzzardy eyes.
They come in the fog and stalk up the hillside
and through the trees, plodding, phlegmatic,
keeping together, mumbling to one another
like mourners at a funeral. They’re taller
than I thought they’d be, and more strange.
I don’t know where they come from.
They come more often now on foggy mornings,
They seem very pre-occupied, as if
they’re waiting for something.
I don’t know what it is.
What are they thinking about?
I get up early in tee shirt and panties to vomit,
then have a glass of apple juice,
and find myself drawn compulsively to the window.
I pull back the the curtain and peer out,
and there they are, as I knew they’d be.
I stand by the window and stare at them.
My bare feet and legs are cold,
but I can’t seem to turn away.
They’re not looking in my direction,

104 101
 WHAT ANDY WARHOL
everybody’d better just leave me alone, OK! Because, if you did that,
you would probably wind up making yourself even more famous than
NEVER TOLD ME
you were before, and things would just get worse. I mean, people
would be saying: Look! there goes that famous girl who decided she
Robert Pridham
didn’t want to be famous anymore, let’s go get her autograph!
You’d be trapped.
Comic
Lisa, ten to fourteen

For one group of middle school girls, become famous is an

all-consuming goal. Here, Lisa describes the ups and downs of
overnight stardom.

LISA: The thing about being famous is that you get to have everything the
way you want it. You get to be in control. You get to tell people to
do things the way you want them done. I don’t like those flowers in
the living room. Poof! The flowers are gone. I want shrimp for din-
ner, not chicken. Poof! You have shrimp. I don’t like my room any-
more, my house, my yard. Poof! Poof! Poof! It’s interesting when you
think about it, because the only reason you’re famous is because other
people make you famous. The thing I want to know is: How do you
get other people to do that? How do you get them to decide you’re
famous and somebody else isn’t? I mean, is it like earning points or
something, and once you have enough of them somebody says, hey,
she just earned enough points to move up from being pretty well
known to being famous so let’s take her picture and put her on the
cover of a magazine. And what happens if you decide you don’t want
to be famous any more. Like, say you want to go out for some chicken
fingers and a soda, and you can’t because you’re famous and other peo-
ple will stare at you while you’re eating. Or you want to shop at your
favorite store at the mall but you can’t because you’re famous and other
people will watch you changing your clothes. Do you just get to de-
cide you’re tired of being famous and you want to go back to being
your same old ordinary self again? I mean, it’s not like you can send
an announcement to the papers and the magazines and say: Hey, sorry,
but I, Lisa Linders, do NOT want to be famous anymore, so

102 103
 WHAT ANDY WARHOL
everybody’d better just leave me alone, OK! Because, if you did that,
you would probably wind up making yourself even more famous than
NEVER TOLD ME
you were before, and things would just get worse. I mean, people
would be saying: Look! there goes that famous girl who decided she
Robert Pridham
didn’t want to be famous anymore, let’s go get her autograph!
You’d be trapped.
Comic
Lisa, ten to fourteen

For one group of middle school girls, become famous is an

all-consuming goal. Here, Lisa describes the ups and downs of
overnight stardom.

LISA: The thing about being famous is that you get to have everything
way you want it. You get to be in control. You get to tell peop
do things the way you want them done. I don’t like those flowe
the living room. Poof! The flowers are gone. I want shrimp for
ner, not chicken. Poof! You have shrimp. I don’t like my room
more, my house, my yard. Poof! Poof! Poof! It’s interesting when
think about it, because the only reason you’re famous is because o
people make you famous. The thing I want to know is: How do
get other people to do that? How do you get them to decide yo
famous and somebody else isn’t? I mean, is it like earning poin
something, and once you have enough of them somebody says,
she just earned enough points to move up from being pretty
known to being famous so let’s take her picture and put her on
cover of a magazine. And what happens if you decide you don’t w
to be famous any more. Like, say you want to go out for some chi
fingers and a soda, and you can’t because you’re famous and other
ple will stare at you while you’re eating. Or you want to shop at
favorite store at the mall but you can’t because you’re famous and o
people will watch you changing your clothes. Do you just get to
cide you’re tired of being famous and you want to go back to b
your same old ordinary self again? I mean, it’s not like you can
an announcement to the papers and the magazines and say: Hey, s
but I, Lisa Linders, do NOT want to be famous anymore

102 103
 WILD TURKEYS
us, we practically fill up the whole theater. And there I am, up on
the big screen — and you can see me just over to the right, there,
with all theDon Nigrorunning and screaming — and here comes
other people,
my big line: you can see me opening my mouth and I start to say
“Where’s my — ”
Dramatic
And right then, right at that very moment, this gigantic, hu-
Miranda,foot
mongous Godzilla sixteen
comes right down on top of me — I mean,
this thing is huge — and it squishes me right into the road. Flat.
This is the Right
Smooshed. Pancake-city. completein text of this short
the middle of my monologue
line. play. Lights up on
And that’s Miranda
the story of Tully,
my age sixteen,
fifteen sitting
minutes. Soinwhen
her own
Andycircle of light on an
Warhol
says everybody otherwise
is going todark
be stage,
famous wearing a T-shirt
for fifteen and panties,
minutes, in the morn-
he’s right.
But he better telling.
everybody to be ready, because you never know when
those fifteen minutes will come — and if you’re not careful, your fif-
teen minutes will get
MIRANDA : They stood in
smooshed in the
the road,
yard by justthe
likewoods
mine.again this morning.
Seven wild turkeys, shambling along
like spectral old ladies with buzzardy eyes.
They come in the fog and stalk up the hillside
and through the trees, plodding, phlegmatic,
keeping together, mumbling to one another
like mourners at a funeral. They’re taller
than I thought they’d be, and more strange.
I don’t know where they come from.
They come more often now on foggy mornings,
They seem very pre-occupied, as if
they’re waiting for something.
I don’t know what it is.
What are they thinking about?
I get up early in tee shirt and panties to vomit,
then have a glass of apple juice,
and find myself drawn compulsively to the window.
I pull back the the curtain and peer out,
and there they are, as I knew they’d be.
I stand by the window and stare at them.
My bare feet and legs are cold,
but I can’t seem to turn away.
They’re not looking in my direction,

104 101
but they knowDramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (212-M
I’m here.
8960; www.dramatists.com)
Am I the reason they’ve come? which also handles performance rights.
FIDDLE
The wild turkeys AND FADDLE.
mill about in©2001the fogby Tom Gliatto. Reprinted by permissio
as if one ofSamuel
them’sFrench,
lost hisInc., 45 W.watch.
pocket 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (212-206-8
I want to go www.samuelfrench.com),
outside. I don’t care that whichit’salso handles performance rights.
cold.
I wantFUGITIVE
to go up the PIECES.
hill and ©2005
talk tobythem.Caridad Svich. Reprinted by permissio
But somethingPlayscripts,
makesInc., me which
hesitate.has published the entire text in an acting ed
The first oneand Iwhich handlesdays
saw, some performance
ago, rights. Contact info: www.playscripts
was a smaller(phone:
one,866-NEW-PLAY;
wandering aloneE-mail: info@playscripts.com)
out there.
HALF-LIFE.
It seemed to be lost. ©2005I wasbyconcerned.
Katy Darby. Reprinted by permission of Samuel Fr
I walked up Ltd.,
the52hill,
Fitzroy
rightSt., London
toward it. WIT 5JR, England, which has publishe
I expectedentire text intoanscurry
the thing actingup edition and woods,
into the which handles performance rights
but theHELEN’S
creatureMOST FAVORITE
just looked at me.DAY. ©2005 by Mark Dunn. Reprinted by
No fear. No mission
anger.ofNot the curiosity,
author. The entire text has been published in an a
quite.
Perhaps just edition
a hint by of
Samuel French, Inc., 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (
expectation.
It looked at 206-8990;
me for the www.samuelfrench.com),
longest time, which also handles perform
and I looked rights.
back. And then, for the first time,
I felt HOW
somethingI GOT THATinside
moving PART.me. ©2005 by Robert Pridham. Reprinted by per
sion of Playscripts,
Then the monster turned, asInc., which has me,
if dismissing published the entire text in an a
or decidingedition and which
with mild regrethandles
that I performance rights. Contact info: 866-N
had nothing PLAY much(phone);
to offerinfo@playscripts.com
him that day, (E-mail); www.playscripts.com
IDA LUPINO
and made IN THE DARK.
its way deliberately through ©2000,
the 2005
bushesby Don Nigro. Reprinted by
and up themission
ravaged of hillside.
the author. NoThe entire text has been published in an acting
rush.
One clawfoot tion step
by Samuel
and then French,
another. Inc.,Such
45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 1
ugly feet and(212-206-8990;
beak, such awww.samuelfrench.com),
hideous red thing which also handles perform
hanging down rights.like a stream of blood.
And yetIN THE
a kindCONTINUUM.
of awkward, eerie, ©2005 by Danai Gurira and Nikkole Salter. Repr
ancient
by permission
hideous beauty there. of Ronald Gwiazda, Rosenstone/Wender, 38 E. 29th St.,
Lately, more York,andNYmore,
10016. The been
I have entire feeling
text has been published by Smith and K
this nearlyInc. in New Playwrights:
overpowering compulsionThe Best Plays of 2006. Contact Rosenstone/W
to go outsideder for
andperformance
find out what rights.
they want.
Do theyJIMMY
wantCARTER
me to followWAS A DEMOCRAT. ©2005 by Rinne Groff. Reprinte
them?
Is that whypermission
they’ve come?of Playscripts, Inc., which has published the entire text in an
ing editionthey
Is there something and which
want me handles
to do,performance
or see? rights. Contact info: 866-N
PLAY (phone);
Or understand? Or haveinfo@playscripts.com
the creatures come (E-mail); www.playscripts.com
MEDEA.
for what’s inside©2005
me? IfbyI Joseph
followed Goodrich.
them Reprinted by permission of Playsc

108 105
 Rup intoAND
IGHTS the labyrinth
PERMISSIONS of fallen woods,
where would they take me? What
wouldHarrison.
A LADY. ©2005 by Jordan they do with me? Would
Reprinted they claw
by permission of Val Day,
William Morris Agency, between my legs?
Inc., 1325 Ave. Last
of thenight I think
Americas, New I dreamed
York, NY
of a clearing
10019. As of this printing, play has notnearbeen
thepublished;
top of thebut wooded hillside
it certainly will
be in the near future. strewn
Contactwith fallenfortrees
Val Day and the as
information, bones
well of others
as for per-
formance rights. they’ve lured there. And in what I think
IN LITTLE PIECES.must ©2005 be bytheJohn
lingering
Yearley.memory
Reprintedofby this dream of
permission
Pat McLaughlin, Beacon I can see the
Artists wild 120
Agency, turkeys standing
E. 56th overNew York,
St. #540,
NY 10022. The entireatextlittle
hascorpse in the weeds.
been published in an acting edition by Samuel
TheSt.,eye
French, Inc., 45 W. 25th Newsockets
York, of
NYthe littlewhich
10010, thingalso
arehandles
empty,per-
formance rights. the bones of the rib cage picked quite clean.
WE THERE YET? ©2005 The turkeys
by Garth stand aroundReprinted
Wingfield. the wretched lost
by permission
child-thing’s
of Playscripts, Inc., which remains
has published and look
the entire text inatan
me.acting edition
And I look
and which handles performance in their
rights. eyesinfo:
Contact and www.playscripts.com;
suddenly
866-NEW-PLAY (phone); I know or what they’re trying to(E-mail)
info@playscripts.com say to me.
AUDITIONERS. ©2005 Make abywish, DougtheyRand.say.Reprinted by permission of
Onhas
Playscripts, Inc., which behalf of thethe
published darkly
entirewattled
text in angobbling
acting edition
black carnivorous
and which handles performance god info: www.playscripts.com;
rights. Contact
866-NEW-PLAY (phone); of all or
theinfo@playscripts.com
wild turkeys of the (E-mail)noble
DY TALK. ©2004 byancient dying east
Tanya Palmer. Ohio woods,
Reprinted by permission of Samuel
we,St.,
French, Inc., 45 W. 25th theNew
ushers
York,ofNYthis place,
10010 (212-206-8990; samuel-
french@earthlink.net),invite
whichyou has to make athe
published wish.
entire text in an acting edi-
tion and which handles You can’t have rights.
performance her, I say, clutching
ON A BLACK TOPmy stomach
ROAD. ©2005withbyboth
Dalehands under Reprinted
Wasserman. my shirt. by
permission of SamuelYou can’tInc.,
French, have45her.
W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010
She’s mine. She’s mine.which has published the en-
(212-206-8990; samuelfrench@earthlink.net),
(Miranda
tire text in an acting edition andsits there,
which touching
handles her stomach
performance tenderly under her T-shirt
rights.
DEAR BOY. ©2005 with the
by palms of her hands.
Dan O’Brien. The light
Reprinted fades on her
by permission and goes out.)
of Beth
Blickers, Abrams Artists, 275 7th Ave., New York, NY 10001. As of this
printing, the entire text has not been published. Contact Beth Blickers for
performance rights, and information as to how to procure a copy of the script.
R KENNETH BLAKE. ©2005 by Jacquelyn Reingold. Reprinted by per-
mission of Scott Yoselow, Abrams Artists, 275 7th Ave., New York, NY
10001. The entire text has been published in an acting edition by

106 107
 Rup intoAND
IGHTS the labyrinth
PERMISSIONS of fallen woods,
where would they take me? What
ACT A LADY. ©2005 by JordanwouldHarrison.
they do with me? Would
Reprinted they claw
by permission of Val Day,
William Morris Agency, between my legs?
Inc., 1325 Ave. Last
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10019. As of this printing, play has notnearbeen
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it certainly will
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information, bones
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formance rights. they’ve lured there. And in what I think
ALL IN LITTLE PIECES.must ©2005 be bytheJohn
lingering
Yearley.memory
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permission
Pat McLaughlin, Beacon I can see the
Artists wild 120
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hascorpse in the weeds.
been published in an acting edition by Samuel
TheSt.,eye
French, Inc., 45 W. 25th Newsockets
York, of
NYthe littlewhich
10010, thingalso
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empty,per-
formance rights. the bones of the rib cage picked quite clean.
ARE WE THERE YET? ©2005 The turkeys
by Garth stand aroundReprinted
Wingfield. the wretched lost
by permission
child-thing’s
of Playscripts, Inc., which remains
has published and look
the entire text inatan
me.acting edition
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and which handles performance in their
rights. eyesinfo:
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THE AUDITIONERS. ©2005 Make abywish, DougtheyRand.say.Reprinted by permission of
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BODY TALK. ©2004 byancient dying east
Tanya Palmer. Ohio woods,
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we,St.,
French, Inc., 45 W. 25th theNew
ushers
York,ofNYthis place,
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tion and which handles You can’t have rights.
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tire text in an acting edition andsits there,
which touching
handles her stomach
performance tenderly under her T-
rights.
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by palms of her hands.
Dan O’Brien. The light
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by permission and goes out.)
of Beth
Blickers, Abrams Artists, 275 7th Ave., New York, NY 10001. As of this
printing, the entire text has not been published. Contact Beth Blickers for
performance rights, and information as to how to procure a copy of the script.
DEAR KENNETH BLAKE. ©2005 by Jacquelyn Reingold. Reprinted by per-
mission of Scott Yoselow, Abrams Artists, 275 7th Ave., New York, NY
10001. The entire text has been published in an acting edition by

106 107
but they knowDramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (212-MU3-
I’m here.
8960; www.dramatists.com)
Am I the reason they’ve come? which also handles performance rights.
FIDDLE
The wild turkeys AND FADDLE.
mill about in©2001the fogby Tom Gliatto. Reprinted by permission of
as if one ofSamuel
them’sFrench,
lost hisInc., 45 W.watch.
pocket 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (212-206-8990;
I want to go www.samuelfrench.com),
outside. I don’t care that whichit’salso handles performance rights.
cold.
I wantFUGITIVE
to go up the PIECES.
hill and ©2005
talk tobythem.Caridad Svich. Reprinted by permission of
But somethingPlayscripts,
makesInc., me which
hesitate.has published the entire text in an acting edition
The first oneand Iwhich handlesdays
saw, some performance
ago, rights. Contact info: www.playscripts.com
was a smaller(phone:
one,866-NEW-PLAY;
wandering aloneE-mail: info@playscripts.com)
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It seemed to be lost. ©2005I wasbyconcerned.
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I walked up Ltd.,
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rightSt., London
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I expectedentire text intoanscurry
the thing actingup edition and woods,
into the which handles performance rights.
but theHELEN’S
creatureMOST FAVORITE
just looked at me.DAY. ©2005 by Mark Dunn. Reprinted by per-
No fear. No mission
anger.ofNot the curiosity,
author. The entire text has been published in an acting
quite.
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a hint by of
Samuel French, Inc., 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (212-
expectation.
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me for the www.samuelfrench.com),
longest time, which also handles performance
and I looked rights.
back. And then, for the first time,
I felt HOW
somethingI GOT THATinside
moving PART.me. ©2005 by Robert Pridham. Reprinted by permis-
sion of Playscripts,
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if dismissing published the entire text in an acting
or decidingedition and which
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that I performance rights. Contact info: 866-NEW-
had nothing PLAY much(phone);
to offerinfo@playscripts.com
him that day, (E-mail); www.playscripts.com
IDA LUPINO
and made IN THE DARK.
its way deliberately through ©2000,
the 2005
bushesby Don Nigro. Reprinted by per-
and up themission
ravaged of hillside.
the author. NoThe entire text has been published in an acting edi-
rush.
One clawfoot tion step
by Samuel
and then French,
another. Inc.,Such
45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010
ugly feet and(212-206-8990;
beak, such awww.samuelfrench.com),
hideous red thing which also handles performance
hanging down rights.like a stream of blood.
And yetIN THE
a kindCONTINUUM.
of awkward, eerie, ©2005 by Danai Gurira and Nikkole Salter. Reprinted
ancient
by permission
hideous beauty there. of Ronald Gwiazda, Rosenstone/Wender, 38 E. 29th St., New
Lately, more York,andNYmore,
10016. The been
I have entire feeling
text has been published by Smith and Kraus,
this nearlyInc. in New Playwrights:
overpowering compulsionThe Best Plays of 2006. Contact Rosenstone/Wen-
to go outsideder for
andperformance
find out what rights.
they want.
Do theyJIMMY
wantCARTER
me to followWAS A DEMOCRAT. ©2005 by Rinne Groff. Reprinted by
them?
Is that whypermission
they’ve come?of Playscripts, Inc., which has published the entire text in an act-
ing editionthey
Is there something and which
want me handles
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or see? rights. Contact info: 866-NEW-
PLAY (phone);
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MEDEA.
for what’s inside©2005
me? IfbyI Joseph
followed Goodrich.
them Reprinted by permission of Playscripts,

108 105
 Inc., which has Morris
published Agency,
the entire
LLC, text
1325inAvenue
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edition
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New York, NY 10
handles performanceAttn: Peter
rights.Franklin
Contact info: 866-NEW-PLAY (phone);
info@playscripts.com
SIN (A Cardinal
(E-mail); Deposed).
www.playscripts.com
©2005 by Michael Murphy. Reprinted by per
NEVER TELL. ©2006 sion
by of
JamesSendroff
Christy.
& Reprinted
Assoc. 1500 by Broadway
permission#2001,of Playscripts,
New York, NY 10
Inc., which has published
The entire thetext
entire
has text
beeninpublished
an acting edition
in an acting
and which
editionhan-
by Dramatists
dles performance Service.
rights.CAUTION:
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866-NEW-PLAY from Sin (phone);
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info@playscripts.com
cluded(E-mail); www.playscripts.com
in this volume are reprinted by permission of the author. The
99 HISTORIES. ©2005 lish by Julia Cho.
language Reprinted
stock by permission
and amateur of John Buzzetti,
stage performance rights in this Pla
The Gersh Agency, 41 Madison
controlled Ave., New
exclusively York, NY 10010.
by Dramatists The entire
Play Service, text440 Park Av
Inc.
has been published in anNew
South, acting edition
York, NYby Dramatists
10016. Play Service,or440
No professional Park
nonprofessional pe
Ave. S., New York, NY 10016
mance of the(212-MU3-8960;
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without obtaining, in which
advance, the wr
also handles performance
permissionrights.
of Dramatists Play Service, Inc., and paying the requisite fe
PARADISE. ©2003 by Glynconcerning
quiries O’Malley. Reprinted by permission
all other rights should beofaddressed
the author.to Sendroff &
The entire text has been published
sociates, P. C., 1500 in Broadway,
an acting edition by New
Suite 2001, NewYork The-NY 10036.
York,
atre Experience inMark
PlaysSendroff.
and Playwrights 2006. Order online at www.nyte.org.
ST. SCARLET.
For performance ©2005Ronald
rights, contact by JuliaFeiner,
Jordan.Kaufman,
ReprintedFeiner,
by permission
Yamin,of John Buz
Gilden & Robbins TheLLC,Gersh 777Agency,
3rd Ave.,41 New
MadisonYork,Ave., New York, NY 10010. The e
NY 10017.
POODLE WITH GUITAR text has beenAND published
DARK in an acting edition
GLASSES. ©2005bybyDramatists
Liz DuffyPlay Service
Adams. Reprinted ParkbyAve. S., Newof
permission York, NY 10016
Playscripts, (212-MU3-8960;
Inc., which has published www.dramatists.
the entire text inwhich also edition
an acting handles andperformance rights.performance rights.
which handles
Contact info:TATJANA IN COLOR.
866-NEW-PLAY ©2005info@playscripts.com
(phone); by Julia Jordan. Reprinted by permission of
(E-mail);
www.playscripts.comBuzzetti, The Gersh Agency, 41 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10010.
QUEEN MILLI OF GALT. entire text has been
©2005 by Garypublished
Kirkham. in an acting edition
Reprinted by Dramatists Play
by permission
of the author. The vice,entire
440 Park
text Ave. S., New
has been York, NY
published in 10016 (212-MU3-8960;
an acting edition by www.dr
tists.com)
Samuel French, Inc., 45 W.which alsoNew
25th St., handles
York,performance rights.
NY 10010 (212-206-8990;
THE THEODORE
www.samuelfrench.com), ROOSEVELT
which also ROTUNDA.
handles performance ©2005 by Jennifer C
rights.
ROMEO TO GO. ©2005 Reprinted bybyJonathan
permission of Samuel
Rand. ReprintedFrench,
by Inc., 45 W. 25th
permission of St., New Y
Playscripts, Inc.,NY 10010
which has (212-206-8990;
published the entire www.samuelfrench.com),
text in an acting edition which has publ
and which handles the entire text in anrights.
performance acting edition
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info: also handles performance ri
866-NEW-PLAY
THOSE WHO CAN,
(phone); info@playscripts.com DO. ©2006
(E-mail); by Brighde Mullins. Reprinted by per
www.playscripts.com
SARAH, SARAH. ©2005 sion of byPlayscripts, Inc., which
Daniel Goldfarb. has published
Reprinted by permissionthe entire
of thetext in an a
author c/o Carl edition
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41 Madison Ave., New rights.
York, Contact
www.playscripts.com;
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in an acting edition info@playscripts
tists Play Service,(E-mail)
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also handles L. Freni.
performance Reprinted by permission o
rights.
THE SCENE. © 2006 author. The entire
by Theresa text Reprinted
Rebeck. has been by published
permission in of
an the
acting edition

112 109
 York, NY 10010 author.
(212-206-8990;
The entire text www.samuelfrench.com),
has been published by Smith which and alsoKraus in Theresa
handles performance
Rebeck, rights.
Volume CAUTION:
II, Complete Professionals
Full-Length and Plays.
amateurs
Contactare the author’s agent
hereby warned that(Carl Mulert, The
Shakespeare Gersh Agency,
in Hollywood 41 Madison
is subject Ave.,
to a royalty. It is33rd
fullyFloor, New York,
protected under NY 10010) forlaws
the copyright performance
of the United rights.States of America and of
all countriesSCRAMBLED
covered by the EGGS. International©2005 by Robin
Copyright UnionAmos Kahn and
(including the Gary Richards.
Dominion of CanadaReprinted
and the byrest
permission
of the Britishof Gary Richards. The the
Commonwealth), entire
Bernetext has been pub-
Convention, thelished in an acting
Pan-American edition Convention
Copyright by Samuel French,and theInc., 45 W. 25th St., New
Universal
York, NY
Copyright Convention 10010
as well (212-206-8990;
as all countries withwww.samuelfrench.com),
which the United States which also han-
dles performance
has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights.
rights, including professional/amateur
stage rights,SEZ SHE.
motion ©2005
picture, by Alexander
recitation, lecturing,Speer, Trustee.
public Reprinted
reading, radio broad-by permission of Mr.
Speer.
casting, television, video Theor entire
soundtext has been
recording, allpublished
other forms by of
Samuel French, Inc. in an act-
mechanical
ing edition.such
or electronic reproduction, CAUTION:
as CD-ROM, Professionals
CD-1, and amateursstorage
information are hereby warned that
and retrieval systems
Sez She,and©2005
photocopying,
by Alexander and the rights
Speer, of translation
Trustee, is subjectinto to royalty. It is fully
foreign languages, are strictly
protected reserved.
under Particularlaws
the copyright emphasis
of theisUnited
laid upon the of America, the
States
matter of readings, permission
British for which must
Commonwealth, be secured
including Canada, from
andthe allAuthor’s
other countries of Copy-
agent in writing.right Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture,
OW PEOPLE. ©2006 by Paul
recitation, Weitz. public
lecturing, Reprinted by permission
reading, of William
radio broadcasting, television, and the
Morris Agency LLC,rights1325 Ave. of theinto
of translation Americas,
foreign New York, are
languages NYstrictly
10019 reserved.
on In its pre-
behalf of the author. As of the
sent form, thisplay
printing the entire
is dedicated to thetextreading
has not beenonly.
public pub-The amateur live
lished, but it most certainly
stage will be.rights
performance Contact the play
to the following for publication
are controlled exclusively by Samuel
information and French,
performance Inc., rights:
and royaltyPeter arrangements
Franklin, William and Morris
licensesAgency,
must be secured well in
212-586-5100. CAUTION: Professionals and
advance of presentation. amateurs
Royalty of thearerequired
hereby warned
amount must be paid
that Show Peoplewhether
is subject thetoplay is presented
a royalty. for charity
It is fully protectedor gain
underandthe whether
copy- or not admission
right laws of theisUnited
charged. For all
States of other
America rightsandthan those
of all stipulated
countries above,
covered by apply to Alexan-
the Internationalder Speer, Trustee,
Copyright c/o Actorsthe
Union (including Theatre
Dominion of Louisville,
of Canada 316 andWest Main Street,
Louisville,
the rest of the British KY 40202-4218.
Commonwealth), theNo part Convention,
Berne of this work may the bePan-reproduced, stored
American Copyrightin a retrieval
Convention system andorthetransmitted
Universal in any form,Convention
Copyright by any means, now known
or yet towith
as well as all countries be invented,
which the including
Unitedmechanical, electronic,copy-
States has reciprocal photocopying, record-
ing,rights,
right relations. All videotaping
including or professional/amateur
otherwise, without thestage prior written
rights, mo-permission of the
Trustee. Particular
tion picture, recitation, lecturing,emphasis is laid onradio
public reading, the question
broadcasting,of amateur or profes-
television, video sional
or sound readings, permission
recording, all other and termsoffor
forms which must
mechanical be secured in writing
or elec-
fromsuch
tronic reproduction, Samuel French, Inc.
as CD-ROM, CD-1,45 W. 25th St., New
information storageYork,
andNY re- 10010.
SHAKESPEARE
trieval systems and photocopying, IN HOLLYWOOD.
and the rights of ©2003 translationby Kenneth
into foreign Ludwig. Reprinted
by permission
languages, are strictly reserved. of Williamemphasis
Particular Morris Agencyis laid LLC,
upon 1325 Ave. of the Americas,
the matter
New York,
of readings, permission NY 10019
for which muston bebehalf
securedof the
fromauthor. The entire
the Author’s agenttext has been pub-
lishedconcerning
in writing. Inquiries in an actingrights edition
shouldby Samuel French,to:
be addressed Inc., 45 W. 25th St., New
William

110 111
 York, NY 10010 author.
(212-206-8990;
The entire text www.samuelfrench.com),
has been published by Smith which and alsoKraus in Th
handles performance
Rebeck, rights.
Volume CAUTION:
II, Complete Professionals
Full-Length and Plays.
amateurs
Contactare the author’s a
hereby warned that(Carl Mulert, The
Shakespeare Gersh Agency,
in Hollywood 41 Madison
is subject Ave.,
to a royalty. It is33rd
fullyFloor, New Y
protected under NY 10010) forlaws
the copyright performance
of the United rights.States of America and of
all countriesSCRAMBLED
covered by the EGGS. International©2005 by Robin
Copyright UnionAmos Kahn and
(including the Gary Rich
Dominion of CanadaReprinted
and the byrest
permission of Gary
of the British Richards. The the
Commonwealth), entire
Bernetext has been
Convention, thelished in an acting
Pan-American edition Convention
Copyright by Samuel French,and theInc., 45 W. 25th St.,
Universal
York, NY
Copyright Convention 10010
as well (212-206-8990;
as all countries withwww.samuelfrench.com),
which the United States which also
dles performance
has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights.
rights, including professional/amateur
stage rights,SEZ SHE.
motion ©2005
picture, by Alexander
recitation, lecturing,Speer, Trustee.
public Reprinted
reading, radio broad-by permission o
Speer.
casting, television, video Theor entire
soundtext has been
recording, allpublished
other forms by of
Samuel French, Inc. in an
mechanical
ing edition.such
or electronic reproduction, CAUTION:
as CD-ROM, Professionals
CD-1, and amateursstorage
information are hereby warned
and retrieval systems
Sez She,and©2005
photocopying,
by Alexander and the rights
Speer, of translation
Trustee, is subjectinto to royalty. It is
foreign languages, are strictly
protected reserved.
under Particularlaws
the copyright emphasis
of theisUnited
laid upon the of America
States
matter of readings, permission
British for which must
Commonwealth, be secured
including Canada, from
andthe allAuthor’s
other countries of C
agent in writing.right Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion pic
SHOW PEOPLE. ©2006 by Paul
recitation, Weitz. public
lecturing, Reprinted by permission
reading, of William
radio broadcasting, television, an
Morris Agency LLC,rights1325 Ave. of theinto
of translation Americas,
foreign New York, are
languages NYstrictly
10019 reserved.
on In its
behalf of the author. As of the
sent form, thisplay
printing the entire
is dedicated to thetextreading
has not beenonly.
public pub-The amateu
lished, but it most certainly
stage will be.rights
performance Contact the play
to the following for publication
are controlled exclusively by Sa
information and French,
performance Inc., rights:
and royaltyPeter arrangements
Franklin, William and Morris
licensesAgency,
must be secured w
212-586-5100. CAUTION: Professionals and
advance of presentation. amateurs
Royalty of thearerequired
hereby warned
amount must be
that Show Peoplewhether
is subject thetoplay is presented
a royalty. for charity
It is fully protectedor gain
underandthe whether
copy- or not admi
right laws of theisUnited
charged. For all
States of other
America rightsandthan those
of all stipulated
countries above,
covered by apply to Ale
the Internationalder Speer, Trustee,
Copyright c/o Actorsthe
Union (including Theatre
Dominion of Louisville,
of Canada 316 andWest Main S
Louisville,
the rest of the British KY 40202-4218.
Commonwealth), theNo part Convention,
Berne of this work may the bePan-reproduced, s
American Copyrightin a retrieval
Convention system andorthetransmitted
Universal in any form,Convention
Copyright by any means, now kn
or yet towith
as well as all countries be invented,
which the including
Unitedmechanical, electronic,copy-
States has reciprocal photocopying, re
ing,rights,
right relations. All videotaping
including or professional/amateur
otherwise, without thestage prior written
rights, mo-permission o
Trustee. Particular
tion picture, recitation, lecturing,emphasis is laid onradio
public reading, the question
broadcasting,of amateur or pr
television, video sional
or sound readings, permission
recording, all other and termsoffor
forms which must
mechanical be secured in wr
or elec-
fromsuch
tronic reproduction, Samuel French, Inc.
as CD-ROM, CD-1,45 W. 25th St., New
information storageYork,
andNY re- 10010.
SHAKESPEARE
trieval systems and photocopying, IN HOLLYWOOD.
and the rights of ©2003 translationby Kenneth
into foreign Ludwig. Repr
by permission
languages, are strictly reserved. of Williamemphasis
Particular Morris Agencyis laid LLC,
upon 1325 Ave. of the Ame
the matter
New York,
of readings, permission NY 10019
for which muston bebehalf
securedof the
fromauthor. The entire
the Author’s agenttext has been
lishedconcerning
in writing. Inquiries in an actingrights edition
shouldby Samuel French,to:
be addressed Inc., 45 W. 25th St.,
William

110 111
 Inc., which has Morris
published Agency,
the entire
LLC, text
1325inAvenue
an actingof the
edition
Americas,
and which
New York, NY 10019.
handles performanceAttn: Peter
rights.Franklin
Contact info: 866-NEW-PLAY (phone);
info@playscripts.com
SIN (A Cardinal
(E-mail); Deposed).
www.playscripts.com
©2005 by Michael Murphy. Reprinted by permis-
ER TELL. ©2006 sion
by of
JamesSendroff
Christy.
& Reprinted
Assoc. 1500 by Broadway
permission#2001,of Playscripts,
New York, NY 10036.
Inc., which has published
The entire thetext
entire
has text
beeninpublished
an acting edition
in an acting
and which
editionhan-
by Dramatists Play
dles performance Service.
rights.CAUTION:
Contact The info:monologues
866-NEW-PLAY from Sin (phone);
(A Cardinal Deposed) in-
info@playscripts.com
cluded(E-mail); www.playscripts.com
in this volume are reprinted by permission of the author. The Eng-
ISTORIES. ©2005 lish by Julia Cho.
language Reprinted
stock by permission
and amateur of John Buzzetti,
stage performance rights in this Play are
The Gersh Agency, 41 Madison
controlled Ave., New
exclusively York, NY 10010.
by Dramatists The entire
Play Service, text440 Park Avenue
Inc.
has been published in anNew
South, acting edition
York, NYby Dramatists
10016. Play Service,or440
No professional Park
nonprofessional perfor-
Ave. S., New York, NY 10016
mance of the(212-MU3-8960;
Play may be givenwww.dramatists.com)
without obtaining, in which
advance, the written
also handles performance
permissionrights.
of Dramatists Play Service, Inc., and paying the requisite fee. In-
ADISE. ©2003 by Glynconcerning
quiries O’Malley. Reprinted by permission
all other rights should beofaddressed
the author.to Sendroff & As-
The entire text has been published
sociates, P. C., 1500 in Broadway,
an acting edition by New
Suite 2001, NewYork The-NY 10036. Attn:
York,
atre Experience inMark
PlaysSendroff.
and Playwrights 2006. Order online at www.nyte.org.
ST. SCARLET.
For performance ©2005Ronald
rights, contact by JuliaFeiner,
Jordan.Kaufman,
ReprintedFeiner,
by permission
Yamin,of John Buzzetti,
Gilden & Robbins TheLLC,Gersh 777Agency,
3rd Ave.,41 New
MadisonYork,Ave., New York, NY 10010. The entire
NY 10017.
ODLE WITH GUITAR text has beenAND published
DARK in an acting edition
GLASSES. ©2005bybyDramatists
Liz DuffyPlay Service, 440
Adams. Reprinted ParkbyAve. S., Newof
permission York, NY 10016
Playscripts, (212-MU3-8960;
Inc., which has published www.dramatists.com)
the entire text inwhich also edition
an acting handles andperformance rights.performance rights.
which handles
Contact info:TATJANA IN COLOR.
866-NEW-PLAY ©2005info@playscripts.com
(phone); by Julia Jordan. Reprinted by permission of John
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EEN MILLI OF GALT. entire text has been
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NY 10010 (212-206-8990;
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rights.
MEO TO GO. ©2005 Reprinted bybyJonathan
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AT ANDY WARHOL NEVER TOLD ME. ©2005 by Robert Pridham.
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D TURKEYS. ©2001, 2005 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of the
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