THE PLAY

THAT GOES
WRONG
BYHENRY LEWIS,
IONATHANSAYER
& HENRY SHIELDS

*
DRAMATISTS
PLAY SERVICE
INC.
 THE PLAY TFIAT GOES WRONG
Copyright o 2012, 2014, Mischief Worldwide Ltd.
rurPLAYTuarGOtS

GOES WRONG" THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG',

WRON6
, MISCHIEF'
and MISCHIEF THEATRE'are trademarks and registered tradenarks of Mischief
Worldwide Ltd. www.mischiefi,vorldwide.com.
All Rights Reserved
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG is fi.rlly protected under the copyright laws of the
United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright
Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth),
and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal
Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and ofall countries with which the United
States has reciprocal copyright relations. No part ofthis publication maybe reproduced in
any form by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise),
or stored in any retrieval system in any way (electronic or mechanical) without written
permission of the publisher.

The English language stock and amateur stage performance rights in the United States, its
territories, possessions and Canada for THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG are controlled
exclusivelybyDramatists Play Service,440 ParkAvenue South, New York, NY 10016. No
professional or nonprofessional performance of the Play may be given without
6fl6iningin advance the written permission of Dramatists PlayService and payingthe
requisite fee.

All other rights, including without limitation motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public
reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, and the rights of
translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved.
Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to the appropriate person or
entity indicated at www.mischiefworldwide.com.
Additionalcopyright information concerningtheWestEndandBroadwayproductions
of THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG is included at the backof thisvolume'
NOTEONBILLING
Anyone receiving permission to produce THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG is required
to give credit to the Authors as sole and exclusive Authors ofthe Play on the title page of
all programs distributed in connection with performances ofthe Play and in all instances
in which the title ofthe Playappears, including printed or digitalmaterials for advertising,
publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. Please see your
production license for font size and typeface requirements.
Be advised that there may be additional credits required in all programs and promotional
material. Such language will be listed under the 'Additional Billing' section ofproduction
licenses. It is the licensee's responsibility to ensure any and all required billing is included
in the requisite places, per the terms ofthe license.
SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS/RECORDINGS
Dramatists PlayService neither holds the rights to nor grants permission to use any songs
or recordings mentioned in the Play. Permission for performances ofcopyrighted songs,
arrangements or recordings mentioned in this Play is not included in our license
agreement. The permission ofthe copyright owner(s) must be obtained for any such use.
For any songs and/or recordings mentioned in the Play, other songs, arrangements, or
recordings may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) ofsuch
songs, arrangements or recordings is obtained; or songs, arrangements or recordings in
the public domain may be substituted.

2
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG was first presented by Mischief
Theatre under the title The Murder Before Christmas on December 4,
2}l2,attheOld Red Lion Theatre, Islington, London. It was directed
byMarkBell, the designerwas HenryLewis, the lightingdesignwas by
Scoft Pryce-fones, the costume design was by Bryony Myers, the stage
manager was Thomas Platt, and the general manager was Nicholas
Thompson. The cast was as follows:

CHRIS Henry Shields

JONATHAN Stephen Leask
ROBERT Henry Lewis
DENNIS |onathan Sayer
SANDRA Charlie Russell
MAX Dave Hearn
ANNIE Nancy Zamit
TREVOR Rob Falconer

The production then extended under the title THE PLAY TFIAT
GOES WRONG on March |2,20L3,with the following cast changes:

JONATHAN Henry Lewis

ROBERT Greg Tannahill
SANDRA Lotti Maddox

The production then transferred to Trafalgar Studios on April 30,

2013, with the following cast changes:

JONATHAN foshua Elliott

ROBERT Henry Lewis

The production extended at Trafalgar Studios with the following

cast change:

JONATHAN Greg Tannahill

J
It subsequently opened in a two-act version under the title THE
PLAY TFIAT GOES WRONG at the Duchess Theatre, London, a
Nimax Theatre, on September 14, 2014. Kenny Wax & Stage
Presence presented the Mischief Theatre production. It was directed
by Mark Bell, the set design was by Nigel Hook, the lighting design
was by Ric Mountjoy, the costume design was by Roberto Surace,
the original music was by Rob Falconer, and the sound design was
by Andy |ohnson. The opening night cast was as follows:

TREVOR Rob Falconer

CHRIS Henry Shields
JONATHAN Greg Thnnahill
ROBERT Henry Lewis
DENNIS fonathan Sayer
SANDRA Charlie Russell
MAX Dave Hearn
ANNIE NancyZamit
JILL & FEMALE UNDERSTUDY Alys Metcalf
PHIL &MALE UNDERSTUDY Leonard Cook

4
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG opened on Broadway at the
Lyceum Theatre, a Shubert Theatre, in April 2017.It was produced
by Kevin McCollum, |.|. Abrams, Kenny Wax, Stage Presence Ltd.,
Catherine Schreiber, Ken Davenport, Double Gemini Productions/
deRoy-Brunish, Damian Arnold/TC Beech, Greenleaf Productions/
Bard-Roth, Martian Entertainment/|ack Lane/fohn Yonover, Lucas
McMahon, and Mischief Theatre. It was directed by Mark Bell, the
scenic design was by Nigel Hook, the costume design was by Roberto
Surace, the lighting design was by Ric Mountjoy, the sound design
was by Andrew Johnson, the associate costume designer was Lisa
Zinni, the associate lighting designer was |eremy Cunningham,
and the associate sound designer was Beth Lake. The opening night
cast was as follows:

TREVOR Rob Falconer

MAX , Dave Hearn
ROBERT Henry Lewis
SANDRA Charlie Russell
DENNIS |onathan Sayer
CHRIS , Henry Shields

JONATHAN Greg Tannahill

ANNIE Nancy Zamit
UNDERSTUDIES ........... Matthew Cavendish (CHRIS, DENNIS,
JONATHAN, MAX, TREVOR)
Bryony Corrigan (ANNIE, SANDRA)
Adam Daveline (CHRIS, DENNIS, MAX, ROBERT, TREVOR)
]onathan Fielding (CHRIS, DENNIS, JONATHAN, MAX, ROBERT)
Amelia McClain (ANNIE, SANDRA, TREVOR)
Greg Tannahill (ROBERT)
Michael Thatcher (JONATHAN, ROBERT, TREVOR)

5
 CHARACTERS

As with any play-within-a-play, you have the complication of the

characters of the actors doing the play-within-the-play and the
characters within the play-within-the-play. To make it alittle simpler,
the names are laid out below in two lists: frstly the members of the
Cornley Drama Society who are putting on the play, and secondly
the characters o/The Murder at Haversham Manor. The text always
uses the actors' names rather than the characters' nnme*

Mwrsrns oF THE ConNr.nv Dneu-l Socrntv

(in order of appearance)

ANNIE is the company's stage manager. American accent.

STAGE CREW the Cornley Drama Society stage crew,

TREVOR is the company's lighting and sound operator.

American accent.

CHRIS is the head of the drama society, directed the play and
plays Inspector Carter.

JONATHAN plays Charles Haversham.

ROBERT plays Thomas Colleymoore.

DENNIS plays Perkins.

MAX plays Cecil Haversham and Arthur the Gardener.

SANDRA plays Florence Colleymoore.

The action takes place on the opening night of the Cornley Drama
production oflheMurder at Haversham Manor by Susie H.
Society's
K. Brideswell. Present day.

6
 CHAnncrens rr* Trrn Munnnn nr Hevnnsanm MtNon
(in order of appearance)

CHARLES HAVERSHAM, the deceased.

THOMAS COLLEYMOORE, Charles' old school friend.

PERKINS, Charles' butler.

CECIL HAVERSHAM, Charles' brother.

FLORENCE COLLEYMOORE, Charles' fianc6e and Thomas' sister.

INSPECTOR CARTER, an esteemed local inspector.

ARTHUR THE GARDENER, the gardener at Haversham Manor.

The action takes place in Chailes' private rooms at Haversham

Manor on the evening of Charles and Florence\ engagement party.
Winter 1922.

SCRIPT NOTES

The stage direction "vamp" indicates improvised dialogue or action.

A forward slash / denotes the next line beginning midway through

the current line.
 PERFORMANCE NOTES

The preshow and interval activity should be subtle, incidental and

not draw the full attention of the audience. The show should not
feel like it's begun until Trevor addresses the whole audience.

A crucial thing to remember when performing this piece is to tell

the story of The Murder at Haversham Manor. That is what the
actors of Cornley are setting out to do and as such should be what
the cast of The Play That Goes Wrong are setting out to do. The
characters of the actors you will no doubt work on in detail, but
their temperaments and flaws should shine through the cracks in
their performances and not suffocate the action. Always try to tell
the murder mystery story and play the Haversham Manor characters.
Without that solid structure to support the comedy, the show will
unravel.

Everything in the show must of course be played for truth and not
for laughs or parody. For Cornley this show is not a comedy, its a
serious play and it is so important to them all that it goes well, so
when it goes wrong it hurts.

WeVe also found it usefirl to remember that the actors of the Cornley
Drama Society are not bad actors but the victims of unfortunate
circumstance. The comedy comes from their unwavering endeavour
to continue, their bad choices in trying to get out ofthe situations
they find themselves in and their optimistic belief that their luck
will change.
The same is true of the set, costumes, lighting, sound and all other
elements of the production. Everything that goes wrong should be
a choice, and everything that doesnt go wrong should go perfectly
or (in the case ofthe physical production) look perfect. The better
the production looks, the more of a journey there is to the complete
destruction that occurs in the later stages ofthe play.

In essence it is vital everyone works to present "the play that goes

wrongi' not'the play thatt being done badly.'

8
 THEPTAYTHAT
GOESWRONG
ACT ONE

The setting is the private rooms of Charles Haversham, a

young, wealtlry man of the period. The rooms occupy a whole
wing of "Haversham Manor" and are split onto two levels.
The ground Jloor consists of a lounge area. There is a fire-
place s. n. with a cartouche at its top center. A picture of a
Kng Charles spaniel hangs above the fireplace, two swords
hang in the hearth and a coal scuttle stands s. u of the fire-
place. There is a large window in the centre of the stage with
red velvet curtains closed over it and a grandfather clock to
the left of it, with the time set to five oblock. There is a door
in between the window and the fireplace; the funnel of a
voice pipe and a barometer hang on either side of it. A large
heraldic shield hangs above the door.
A chaise longue littered with cushions stands D.s. c. on a
large rug. A small table stands o,s, n. with a telephone and
a vase offlowers on it. "a.s. r,. ls another small table, set with
a silver tray withfour short glasses on it. A chandelier hangs
in the centre of the lounge. A contemporary tool kit is n.s. c.
On the s. L. side are a number of bookcases packed with
books and above them the upper level of the set: Charles'
study. There is a small round window on the u.s. wall of the
study, beneath which sits a desk and chair, On the s. n. side
of the round window is a safe set into the wall, and on the s.
L. side ofthe desk stands a tall pot plant. There is a door to
the study on the s. r,. side and double doors to an elevator
o.s. of that. Corresponding elevator double doors stand

9
 directly below the upper level. Beneath the n.s, n. corner of
the upper level is a pillar extending down to the ground to
support the weight of the platfurm, In between the upstairs
door and the upstairs elevator doors stands a globe-style
drinks cabinet, above which hangs another voice pipefunnel
Set apartfrom the stage is a tech box complete with computer,
faders and littered with empty drinks cans, etc. The tech
box is visible to the audience and is where Trevor willbe seen
operatinglights and soundfor the show.
Dramatic house music plays.

Pnasnow AcrrvrrY:
As the audience enter, Trevor k finkhing of laying the floor-
boards u.s. n. under the upper level His hammer breaks.
Two members of the stage crew are searching the stalls and
circle for a missing Duran Duran CD' and for Winston, a
dog needed for later in the show.
Chris greets members of the audience as they arrive, in his
best tuxedo.

Annie is by the fireplace trying to stick a mantelpiece above

it and trying to stick an old journal to the mantelpiece. She
enlists the help of an audience member and gets them to
hold the mantelpiece in place before disappearing ofttog,
Trevor appears and commandeers the audience member to
sweep the stage. As they start sweeping, the head of the
broom falls of. Annie reappears and brings the audience
member back to help with the mantelpiece. She sends them
to get her tool kit. The audience member can't lift it. After
several attempts Annie crosses oyer and picks it up easily.
The mantelpiece is eventually stuck in position over the fire-
place, and the audience member is sent back to their seat.
Trevor comes D.s. c. Annie scuttles of.

TREVOR. Good evening,ladies and gentle-

* Ifmusic by a different band is used on pages 45 and 78, adjust this activity appropriately

10
 The mantelpiecefalk of the wall. Annie emergesfrom the wing.
ANNIE. (To the audience member.) You said that was fine.
TREVOR. (Aside to Annie.)lustleave it,leave it.
Annie starts to try and repair the mantelpiece. Trevor addresses
the audience.

Okay, welcome to The Murder at Haversham Manor. Can I kindly

request that all your cell phones and other electronic devices are
switched off and please note that photography of any kind is strictly
prohibited. Also if anyone finds a Duran Duran- CD box set any-
where in the auditorium, that is a personal item and I want that
back. Please do drop it at my tech box end of the show. Enjoy the
performance.
House and stage lights go down. Trevor exits s. t.
(On his radio but broadcast to the whole theatre.) Alright, can we
prepare for lights up on Act One, note for the cast Winston is still
missing, we need to find him before the guard dog scene-
CHRIS. Trevor!Trevor!
TREVOR. (Still over the speakers.)
-we need him back in his cage
as soon as possible. What's Annie doing onstage? Get her off so
Chris can do his stupid speech-oop!
Trevor\ microphone cuts of. Annie hasn't finished repairing the
mantelpiece. Chris entersfrom the s. n. wingin the darkness.
CHRIS. Leave it. fust leave it.
ANNIE. Youneedit...
CHRIS. We dont have time.
Annie hurries of into the wings, taking the mantelpiece and
tool kit with her. Spotlight comes up on Chris, cutting of his
head.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and...
Chris steps forward into the spotligfut.
...welcome to the Cornley Drama Society's presentation of The
Murder at Haversham Manor. Please allow me to introduce myself;
I am Chris, the director, and I would like to personally welcome
* Ifmusic by a different band is used on pages 45 and 78, change "Duran Durarf' appropriately.

11
you to what will be my directorial debut (Pronounced "day-boo.")
and my first production as head of the drama society.
Firstly I would like to apologise to those ofyou involved in our little
box office mix-up. I do hope the six hundred and seventeen of you
affected will enjoy our little murder mystery just as much as you
would have enjoyed Hamilton.
We are particularly excited to present this play because, for the first
time in the society's history we've managed to find a play that fits
the number of society members perfectly. If we're honest a lack of
members has sometimes hampered past productions, such as last
year's Chekhov play...Two Sisters. Last Christmas' The Lion and the
Wardrobe. Or indeed our summer masical, Cat.
Of course this will be the first time the society has been able to
stage a play of this scale and we are thrilled. It's no secret we usually
have to contend with a small budget, as was evident in our recent
production of Roald Dahl's classic lames and the Peach. Of course
during the run of that particular show the peach we had went off,
and we were forced to present a hastily devised alternative entitled
James! Where\ Your Peach?
Anyway on to the main event, which I am confident will be our best
show yet! So ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, please
put your hands together-
lfthe audience start to clap too eaily, Chris cqn say "not yet!'
Susie H. K. Brideswell's thrilling whodunit-The Murder at
-for
Haversham Manor.
Chris exits into the s. n. wing. Spotlight down. Trevor takes
up his position in his tech box. Darkness. Music.

Jonathan (playing Charles Haversham) enters through the

darkness from the s. n. wing. He trips andfalls over. The lights
suddenly come up on lonathan on the Jloor. He freezes. The
lighx go out again. lonathan takes up his position: dead on
the chaise longue, with his arm outstretched onto the floor.
The lighx come up again just before he\ fully in position.

Knocking at the downstairs door. Robert (playing Thomas

Colleymoore) and Dennis (playing Perkins the Butler) can

t2
 be heard behind it.
ROBERT (Of.) Charley! Are you ready? Were all waiting downstairs
to raise a glass to your engagement. Charley?
Robert knoclcs on the door.
Come along now, Charley, youve been in there for hours now. If I
didnt know better I'd say you were having second thoughts about
the wedding. (Chuckles.) Charley? Hang it all, Charley, if you wont
come out, we'll come in. (Tries handle.) Damnit, he's locked the door.
Hand me those keys, Perkins.
DENNIS. (Of.)Here they are, Mr. Colleymoore.
ROBERT. (Of.)lhankyou, Perkins. Let's get this door open. We're
coming in, Charley! We're coming in!
Robert tries to open the door but it won't budge. Dennis and
Robert hammer on the door to try and open it.
(Still ofli.) There we are. Wete in.
Robert and Dennis dart around the side of the set to enter.
But what's this? Charles, unconscious?
DENNIS. Asleep surely, Mr. Colleymoore?
ROBERT. Damn it, Perkins,I hope so.
DENNIS. I'll take his pulse.
Dennis takes lonathan\ pulse on his forehead. lonathan slowly
tilx his head to move Dennis'fingers down onto his neck.
ROBERT. Blast! I knew something must have been wrong, it's so
unlike Charles to disappear like this.
DENNIS. Sir, het dead!
Lights snap to red. Dramatic musical spike. Lights snap back
to the general state.
ROBERT. Damn it, Perkins, he can't be! He's my oldest friend.
DENNIS. He's not breathing, sir, and there's no hint of a heartbeat.
ROBERT. Well Im dumbfounded. He was right as-
Robert crosses in front of the chaise longue, treading on
Ionathanb outstretched hand.
an hour ago.
-rain
13
DENNIS. I dont understand. He can't be dead. He was as fit as a
fiddle. It doesnt make sense.
ROBERT. Of course it makes sense. He's been murdered!
Lights snap to red again. The same dramatic musical spike.
Lights snap back to general state.
Good God. Where's Florence?
DENNIS. She's in the dining room, sir. Shall I fetch her?
ROBERT. At once, Perkins, and quickly.
DENNIS. But she's bound to have one of her hysterical episodes.
ROBERT. Damn it, gather everyone in here. Charles! Dead! What a
horror.
Dennis rushes to the voice pipe on the wall and calls to the
rest of the house. Robert removes his jacket.
DENNIS. (Into the voice pipe.) Lounge to dining room. Cecil! Miss
Colleymoore! Come to Charles' private rooms at once. Charles
Haversham has been murdered.
ROBERT. But do you think it was murder, Perkins?
Robert hangs his jacket up on a hook on the wall.
Or do you think perhaps-
The hook holding Robert\ jacket falls to the floor.
was suicide?
-it
DENNIS. Suicide? Mr. Haversham? Not possible! Never was there a
man with more zest for life than Charles Haversham. He was young,
rich and soon to be married. Why on earth would he commit suicide?
ROBERT. But why on earth would anybody want to murder him?
Charles was such a gentle fellow.
DENNIS. Generous, kind, a true... (Reads a word written on his
hand. ) philanthropi st. (Pronounced "phill- an -throp -ist." ) He never
had an enemy in his life.
ROBERT. Until today it seems.
DENNIS. Shall I telephone the police, sir?
ROBERT. The police? They wouldnt make it out here for days in
this snowstorm.

l4
 Robert opens the curtains to revealfallingpaper snowflakes.
No.
Robert closes the curtains again.
I'll telephone Inspector Carter, he lives just the other side of the
village. (Picks up receiver.) He'll be here in next to no time. Hand
me the phone, Perkins.
Robert realises he already has the receiver.
Thank you, Perkins.
Dennis ]onathanl crotch.
sits on

Good evening. Give me Inspector Carter... I know it's late... Damn

it, I dont care about the weather. There's been a murder. Someone's
murdered Charles Haversham!
Ligh* change to red. A musical spike plays again. The lights
shift back to the general state, but the music continues. It
cuts out briefu.
That's right.
The music continues. Dennis keeps trying to get up, thinking
the spike will stop, and repeatedly sits back down on Jonathan
until lonathan pushes him of.
That's right!
TREVOR. (Over the speakers.) Sound effect error on cue four.
ROBERT. Thankyou. (Hangs up.)H€s on his way.
DENNIS. Inspector Carter?
ROBERT. They say he's the best damn inspector in the district, he'll
crack this case and quick.
DENNIS. Very good, sir, and what shall I do?
ROBERT. Lock every door, man.
Robert crosses the stage again. Dennis follows. lonathan
sharply moves his hand out of the way of Robert's foot. Once
Robert has passed, Ionathan replaces his hand. Dennis
treads on it as he follows Robert past the chaise longue.
Not a soul gets out of Haversham Manor until the killer is found.
DENNIS. At once, sir.

15
ROBERT. ...and assemble everyone in here.
DENNIS. Right away, sir.
Dennis goes to leave through the door but it still won't budge.
ROBERT. Good God! Charles Haversham murdered at his own
engagement party!
Robert sees Dennis stuck onstage and repeats his line to stall
as Dennis slowly exits around the side of the flat.

Good God! Charles Haversham murdered at his own engagement

a grim, grim night. (Turns sharply to the door.) Florence!
party! What
We hear a bang as Sandra tries to get in through the door.
SANDRA. (Of.) Charley! No! I carft believe what I'm seeing.
Robert goes to try and open the door. Sandra appears in the
window, holding apart the curtains.
My God, he looks so frail lying there. His skin is cold to the touch.
ROBERT. Dont touch him, Florence.
SANDRA. I must!
ROBERT. Youmustnt!
SANDRA. You controllingbrute, unhand me!
Robert pretends to release Sandra\ hand.
Oh, who could do such a thing? The night of our engagement party.
Cecil, quick! Your brother's dead.
DENNIS. This way, Mr. Haversham.
MAJ{.. (Ofl:.) I'm coming, Miss Colleymoore!
We hear three loud bangs on the door. On the third the door
suddenly bursts open, revealing Max, Annie and members of
stage crew who had all been attempting to open it.
ROBERT. Get out, you idiots.
They all quickly run of.
MAX. Mybrother? Dead? It can't be!
Sandra now enters through the door.
ROBERT. Calm yourself, Cecil. Pour him a stiffdrinh Perkins.
DENNIS. Right away, sir. Charles always kept his scotch upstairs in
his study.

T6
 Dennis gets into the elevator carriage. The elevator rises to
the upper-level study. Dennis emerges and walks over to the
drinks cabinet.
MAX. You know my brother had the finest collection of scotch in
all the county.
ROBERT. Don t you think I know that, Cecil? He was my best friend.
MAX. Well he was my brother, Thomas.
ROBERT. Hang it all, Charley dead.
SANDRA. My fianc6 dead, I cant bear it.
ROBERT. You arent to leave my sight this evening, Florence.
Dennis opens the drinks cabinet and takes out afullbottle of
scotch.
DENNIS. (Into the voice pipe.) Oh my God! He's drunk the whole
bottle, sir. There's not a drop left.
ROBERT. (Into the voice pipe,) Hang it all, ther...
Dennis realises and tries to get rid of the scotch, pouring it
into the voice pipe. The scotch spurts out of Roberti end of
the voice pipe, all over him. He quickly grabs the coal scuttle
and catches the liquid inside.
DENNIS. There's not a drop left!
The bottle is now empty.
ROBERT. (Into the voice pipe.) Hang it all, there's another in the
cabinet.
Dennis produces the empty bottle he should have got the
first time from the bottom shelf of the cabinet.
DENNIS. Yes, sir, of course you're right, this one's full.
ROBERT. This is horrifying. I mean who on earth would have a
motivation to murder Charles Haversham?
Dennis descends in the elevator puts the bottle onto the tray
of short glasses on the o.s. t
table and carries the tray past
the window. As Dennis passes the window, Annie leans
through and exchanges the empty bottle for a full plastic
bottle labelled "WHITE SPIRIT" with a large flammable
symbol on it. Dennis doesn't see the switch.

T7
SANDRA. I cant imagine!
MAX. It's madness! My brother was a good man. Who would kill
him? Im in shock, Thomas.
ROBERT. As am I, Cecil. As am L
MAX. Mybrother murdered in his own home! This is unthinkable!

SANDRA. This is more than my nerves can take. I simply carlt stand
it. Thomas, I think I m becoming hysterical!
ROBERT. No, Florence! Not another one of your episodes. Calm
yourself. Here, take one of your pills.
MAX. Oh Florence, this is unbearable.
Sandra begins to scream and pound lonathanls chest. lonathan
flinches.
Thomas, I feel I shall pass out.
ROBERT. Perkins! Pour that man a stiffdrink!
Dennis arrives n.s. n. and ofers a glass to Max.
MAX. Thank you, Perkins.
ROBERT. There, there, Florence, well done, deep breaths.
Dennis pours the white spirit into Maxls glass. Sandra becomes
calmer
SANDRA. This is terrible, just a week after our engagement.
MAX. Well here's to a good brother.
Max raises his glass and drinks the white spirit. He quickly
spits it back out.
That's the best whisky I've ever tasted.
ROBERT. Have another, to calm your nerves.
MAX. Make it a double!
Dennis pours Max another glass of white spirit.
SANDRA. Oh my Charles! My Charles! My head is spinning!
Max drinks it again. He spits it out again.
MAX. Calm down, Florence.
DENNIS. Another scotch, sir?
MAX. Yes!

18
SANDRA. I cant believe he was sat up here alone, drinking, when
he was supposed to be downstairs with us.
Max drinks again and spits it out again, this time right into
lonathan\ face, who sits up in shock. Beat. Robert pushes
Jonathan back down onto the chaise longue.
MAX. My...
Helets out athroaty squealg thewhite spiritburninghis mouth.
My brother wasnt as huppy as people were led to believe. Behind
that cheery mask lay a darker side to the man that many didn t know
about.
DENNIS. It's true, his smile was often merely (Readsfrom his hand.)
a facade. (Pronounced'fu-cayde.") I was fortunate enough to be one
of the few people who he really confided in. Damn it all, I've lost a
true friend today.
ROBERT. We all have, Perkins. Hang it, I knew Charley ever since
school.
SANDRA. I dont know how I'll ever recover from this.
ROBERT. You'll move back home with me. I'm your brother and I'll
have it no other way.
MAX. Perkins is right, my brother was hiding a deep sense of mel-
ancholy and resentment. I have no doubt in my mind it was suicide.
DENNIS. Suicide, Mr. Haversham? How can you say that! Of course
not, it's murder. Murder in the first degree.
MAX. Nonsense!
Maxperforms a gesturefor "nonsense." If the audience laugh,
Max can acknowledge them here by smiling and repeating
the gesture.
Nonsense!My brother was paranoid and jealous and I can prove it.
Perkins, hand me his journal, it's there on the mantelpiece.
Anniels hand reaches through the door and holds the journal
against the wall where it should have been above the fireplace.
Dennis passes it to Max.
Thank you, Perkins. Why, look at the last entry. (Not looking at the
journal.)"I
fear Florence does not love me. The night of our engage-
ment party, despair engulfs my soul."

t9
SANDRA. But I loved Charles with all myheart.
Dennis takes the journal and puts it back where the mantel-
piece should be; it falls straight to the floor. Annie\ hand
reaches back through the door to catch it, but she is just too
late.
MAX. As I said: driven mad with paranoia and jealousy.
All gasp and face out. Silence. The cast wait for a sound
efect that doesn't happen. Eventually Trevor realises he's
missed his cue.
TREVOR. Ohno!
Trevor hits a button. A loud door chime sounds.
ALL. The Inspector!
SANDRA. Thank heavens he's here.
Chris (now in costume, playing Inspector Carter) enters
through the door with paper snowflakes on his head and
shoulders. He carries an attachd case.
CHRIS. What a terrible snowstorm. Good evening, I'm Inspector
Carter. Take my case.
DENNIS. Yes, Inspector.
Chris hands his case to Dennis, who places it on the Jloor by
the table.
CHRIS. This must be Charles Haversham. I'm sorry. This mustve
given you all a damn shock.
SANDRA. It did, we're all still reeling.
CHRIS. Naturally. Tell me, are any of you the deceased's immediate
family?
MAX. I'm Cecil Haversham.I'm his brother.
SANDRA. (Smiling.) I'm Florence Colleymoore. I'm his fianc6e'
Tonight was our engagement party.
CHRIS. I take it everyone is assembled in here?
ROBERT. Yes. The only other member of staff is Arthur the
Gardener, but I saw him and Winston leaving for the weekend
hours ago.
CHRIS. Winston?

20
ROBERT. His guard dog.
CHRIS. Verywell. Have you poured eyeryone a stiffdrink?
DENNIS. Yes, Inspector.
Dennis holds out the tray, and they all take a glass.
MAX. Well then let's all raise a glass-
As the glasses are ffied, Dennis lowers the tray, hitting lonathan
on thehead.
To a man we all loved, to Charles.
ALL. Charles!
They all raise their glasses and drink the white spirit. They all
spit it out and try to recover. Max holds the white spirit in his
mouth.
CHRIS. Delicious.
SANDRA. Excellent.
ROBERT Lovely. That's a damn fine bottle, Perkins, what's the vintage?
DENNIS. (Reads the label.) Flammable and corrosive, sir.
CHRIS. ListenlYou all must be distraught, but forgive me, the sooner
I can begin my enquiries-
Chris deposits his notebook on the s. n. table.
sooner we can get to the bottom of this ghastly business.
-the
Max turns v.s. and spits out his white spirit. He turns back
lookingas casual ashe canbut then gags, givinghimself away.
(To Dennis.) If youd be so kind as to take the body up to the study,
so I can examine it.
DENNIS. Yes, Inspector.
ROBERT. I'll lend you a hand, Perkins.
CHRIS. Then lock all the doors to the house and prepare this room,
I shall conduct my enquiries in here afterwards.
DENNIS. Inspector.
Over the next few lines, Dennis brings in a stretcher. Robert
and Dennislay the stretcher on thefloor infront of the chaise
longue.
MAX. Any ideas as to the cause of death, Inspector?

2t
CHRIS. Could be a number of things. Strangulation, suffocation,
poison. Before fully examining the body I wouldrit like to say.
SANDRA. Poison, Inspector? Surely not.
Robert and Dennis try to lift Ionathan up but can't.
CHRIS. Try not to think about it, Miss Colleymoore.
Robert and Dennis slowly start to roll lonathan of of the
chaise. Chris slows down his lines as he watches.
As soon as I've...finished...up...sta...irs.
lonathan opens his and looks frightened. Eventually he
eyes
tips of of the chaise and falk
hard facedown onto the Jloor.
1'll speak to everyone individually and then you can get some space
to calm your nerves.
Robert and Dennis lift the stretcher up; the canvas tears of
of the stretcher and Robert and Dennis are left holding just
the poles. Beat. Robert and Dennis then carry the poles of
through the door, leaving lonathan on the floor.
SANDRA. Thank you, Inspector, this is all more than I can bear.
CHRIS. I shall return presently, as soon as IVe finished...examining
the body.
Chris exits, slowly shutting the door behind him, staring at
lonathan as he goes. Pause.
MAX. Well-
lonathan realises that he is meant to have been carried of
and suddenly starts to get up, making Max and Sandra jump
slightly. They stare at Jonathan, who, trying not to be seen,
exits towards the door taking the stretcher canvas with him.
He slowly leaves through the door and shuts it behind him.
Well thank God theyve all gone.
Lights shift to the upper level Robert and Dennis enter
through the upstairs door, carrying a mimed body.
ROBERT. Good Lord, Perkins, this body weighs a tonne!
CHRIS. So this is Charles'private study. Set the body down there,
gentlemen.
They put down the mimedbody on theJloor by the o.s. edge

22
 of the upper level.
DENNIS. It's such a tragedy for a man to die just three months
before he is to be married.
ROBERT. I cant stand it. fust look at him lying there.
DENNIS. This is most (Checks hand,) morose. (Pronounced "more-
ous.")
ROBERT. Morose indeed.
Light s shift d ow n st air s.
SANDRA. Cecil, we must tread carefully. It would be easy for the
two of us to become implicated in Charles' death. If they find out
about us, we'll be suspects.
MAX. We were having an affair, so what? It doesnt mean-
Max slips on a puddle of white spirit.
It doesnt mean we killed the man.
SANDRA. Of course not, but that's what the Inspector will think.
MAX. Itt fine, we'll justcarry on as if every-thing!
Max sits on the chaise longue but feels something hard under
the cushions.
as it was. Except-
just
-is
Max lifts the cushions and discovers a ledger underneath.
Max puts it under the chaise longue.
Except now you wont be forced to marry my beastly brother.
SANDRA. And soon we can be together and not keep secrets.
MAX. Soon my love, but first, with Charley finally out of the picture
I must ask you one question.
Max goes down on one knee in front of Sandra, n.s. of the
upper level. Lights shift to upstairs.
DENNIS. It's so strange to think of Charles being dead.
Ionathan opens the upstairs door and creeps in, carrying the
stretcher canvas with him. He movesforward to try and take
up his position: dead on the floor. The others don't notice
him standing behind them.
He was such an influence on all our lives.

23
ROBERT. It's almost as though he's still alive in the room with us.
DENNIS. His stillness unnerves me.
CHRIS. Seeing a cadaver for the first time can be wsettl-ing!
Chris sees Jonathan and jumps in shock. Dennis andRobertlet
out a scream in surprise. lonathan quietly moves in front of
them and lies down on the front edge of the upper level. As he
puts his head bacl<" he bangs it on the bottom of the elevator
door.
Check his pockets, Thomas.
ROBERT. Inspector.
Chris produces a tin of powder and a brush.
CHRIS. I need you to pull yourselves together and help me to dust
his body for fingerprints.
Chris passes Dennis the tin and brush.
DENNIS. Yes, Inspectot.
Robert searches lonathan's trouser pocket but cannot find
the prop letter he is supposed to find. After a few moments,
lonathan reaches into his inside jacket pocket and produces
the letter and passes it to Robert. Robert quickly pretends to
have taken the letter from lonathan\ trouser pocket and
holds it up.
ROBERT. Aletter?
Robert passes the letter to Chris, who puts it in his pocket.
CHRIS. Now to dust the body for fingerprints.
ROBERT. Whatwas that?
DENNIS. Sir?
ROBERT. I could have sworn I just saw him breathing.
DENNIS. Breathing, sir-
Dennis drops the tin of powder onto lonathani face. lonathan
tries to hide his coughing.
CHRIS. Nonsense, Colleymoore. This man is dead.
Lights shift to downstairs. Robert, Chris and Dennis freeze
in a group pose, each with their right hand on their chin.

24
 lonathan continues to cough.
MAX. Florence, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?
Marry me!
Ionathan coughs again, more violently, which causes him to
slip of of the upper level. He grabs hold of the edge, his legs
dangling down. Robert, Dennis and Chris try to haul him
back up. Vamp. After a few moments they lose their grip,
and lonathan falls down to the flooa landing in between
Max and Sandra. Robert, Dennis and Chris put their hands
back on their chins.
Charles is dead. He can neyer come between us again.
lonathan slowly gets up, retrieves the canvas, hides behind it
and moves back towards the door. tlnable to see, he opens
the door into his own head and then exits, closing the door
behindhim.
Florence, Charles is gone and he's never coming back.
Lights shift to upstairs. Max and Sandrafreeze.
CHRIS. Thank you, gentlemen. Now that I have finished examining
the body, perhaps you would take it down to the service quarters for
the coroner to collect in the morning.
DENNIS. Yes, Inspector.
Robert and Dennis mime lifting the body again.
CHRIS. Check all of the doors are locked, Perkins.
DENNIS. Inspector.
CHRIS. And Colleymoore, perhaps you could fetch me a pencil
and my notebook from downstairs.
ROBERT. Naturally.
Ionathan reenters upstairs, holding up the canvas to hide
himself. He peers over the top and sees the others.
(Ad libs.) After you, Charles.
Jonathan, Robert, Dennis and Chris exit. The lights shift
downstairs as they go.
SANDRA. Oh Cecil, I cant resist you! I shall, I shall marry you.
MAX. Oh Florence, come into my arms.

25
 Maxpushes Sandra away.
SANDRA. I shall!
MAX. Kiss me!
SANDRA. Oh Cecil!
Max and Sandra go to kiss, but Robert bursts in.
ROBERT. The Inspector requires apencil. What on earth's going on
in here?
SANDRA. Sorry, I felt flustered. Cecil was cooling my brow.
ROBERT. Very well, now I have the pencil I'll be on my...
Robert sees that there is no pencil on the o.s. n. table. He pidcs
up the set of keys instead.
Well now I have the... well now I have the... Now I have the pencil.
I'll be on myway.
Robert exits, closing the door.
MAX. Thank God he's gone!

SANDRA. Oh, Cecil! Kiss me a thousand times; I'm yours.

Dennis bursts in.
DENNIS. Sorryto interrupt, Miss Colleymoore, Mr. Haversham. IVe
come to collect the keys to lock us all inside.
MAX. Thankyou, Perkins.
Dennis sees thekeys gone, and insteadhe picl$ up the lnspector!
notebook.
DENNIS. I shall lock the doors at once.
Dennis exits with the Inspector's notebook.
SANDRA. You dont think Perkins suspects us, do you?
MAX. That old fool, of course not.
SANDRA. Oh, enough words. Thke me!
Robert bursts in.
ROBERT. I forgot the Inspector's notebook... what in God's name?
SANDRA. I was about to faint. Cecil caught me.
ROBERT. I havent time for this. Now...L..have...the Inspector's
notebook, I'll be on myway.

26
 Robert sees the notebook to be gone. He picks up the vase of
flowers instead and exits.
MAX. Damn these blasted interruptions!
SANDRA. Kiss me, Cecil, I can't wait a second longer.
Pause. Dennis is supposed to have burst in. Max and Sandra
Iook at the door.
Kiss me, Cecil, I cant wait a second longer.
Silence.
Kiss me, Cecil, i can't wait a second longer.
Max and Sandra vamp, Sandra trying to convince Max to
kiss her. Eventually Max kisses Sandra, putting his entire
wide-openmouth over hers. Sandrarecoils andfalk of of the
chaise longue. Dennis then bursts in, holding two candles in
candlesticks.
DENNIS. Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Haversham, Miss Colleymoore. I
have come to prepare the room.
MAX. Thankyou, Perkins. |ust set them down on the mantelpiece.
Dennis goes to the fireplace with the candlesticks. But there
is no mantelpiece to put them on. Suddenly Annie! hands
burst through the freplace. Dennis puts a candlestick in
each of her hands.
That's some good work, thank you, Perkins.
Dennis exits. He slams the door closed, and as he does, the
cartouche on the fireplace drops to the floor and reveals Annie's
face. She stares out at the others.
At last we're alone.
Annie pulls the candlesticks back, but they are too tall and
she can't pull them through the holes.

SANDRA. Oh Cecil,let's run away from here. Far away! Together!

MAX. Soon, my love, but we must be careful. We mustnt arouse
suspicion.
SANDRA. Cecil, tell me, who do you thinkkilled Charles?
MAX. I have no doubt in my mind, he was killed by your brother:
Thomas Colleymoore.

),7
SANDRA. My brother a murderer and Charles dead? What a devil
of a situation this is!
lonathan suddenly bursts through the downstairs door, holding
agun.
JONATHAN. Not so fast, Inspector!
Max and Sandra stare at lonathan. Pause. lonathan realises
he has come in much too eaily. He exits.
SANDRA. But whywould Thomas want Charles dead?
MAX. Isnt it obvious? He-
Max turns and walk u.s., hittinghis head on the pillar under-
neath the upper level.
Argh! He was always bitter and possessive when it came to you!
Throughout the following dialogue, Max begins miming his
speech in a panic.
He couldnt stand the idea of his best friend marrying his sister. He
saw you two together at tonight's engagement party and it drove
him half mad and he snapped and killed Charles!
SANDRA. But if it if our affair is discovered?
is Thomas, what
MAX. I have no doubt in my mind he would try and kill us as well,
just like he killed Charles!
SANDRA. Oh I feel faint again!
MAX. Dorit worry, Florence. Just follow my lead.
Chris opens the door.
CHRIS. I'm sorry to have kept you.
Theheraldic shield over the door swings down andhits Chris in
theface. Chris hastily pulk it of the waII and throws it ofstage.
...But now I have finished examining the body our interviews can
proceed. (Calls of.) Perkins! Bring in Charles'personal effects.
Dennis enters with lots of bulky personal props.
DENNIS. Where would you like them, Inspector?
CHRIS. Set them down on the mantelpiece.
Chris realises what he\ said.
DENNIS. As you wish, Inspector.

28
 Dennis carries the props over to Annie, who is stillholdingthe
candlestidcs. Dennis carefully balances the items in between the
candlestidts. Dennis is supposed to leave but doesn't. Silence.
CHRIS. Dont go, Perkins.
Dennis goes to leave and then stops.
I'd like to askyou a few questions first. Mr. Haversham, Miss Col-
leymoore, if youd be so kind as to give us a moment's privacy.
MAX. Naturally.
Max and Sandra exit. Dennis sits down on the chaise longue.
CHRIS. Dont just stand there, Perkins, take a seat.
Dennis sits down again. He takes out a cigarette case.
DENNIS. MayI?
CHRIS. Go ahead. How are you feeling, Perkins?
DENNIS. A little shaken, sir.
Dennis takes a cigarette out of the case and then puts the case in
Annie\ mouth. She protests but is quickly silenced by the case.

But I'll be fine.

CHRIS. You and Charles Haversham, you were close?
DENNIS. Yes, sir, very close.
Dennis goes to light his cigarette; he burns his hand and drops
the match into the coal scuttle, where it suddenly ignites the
scotch. Annie is alarmedby thefire and disappearsbackstage,
dropping all of the props loudly onto the floor. Dennis falls
back onto the chaise longue in surprise.
CHRIS. You dont appear very upse-
Robert bursts in wearing a fire mask and spraying a fire
extinguisher wildly. He gets Dennis more than the coal scuttle.
Robert bellows, "Don't worry lie got it under controli' etc.
Robert realises he\ been seen. He looks at the audience in
silence. The extinguisher suddenly goes of again in his hand,
making Robert jump slightly. Robert lifts the fire mask.
ROBERT. (Ad libs.) Evening, Inspector. We require the coal in the
library. (Or similar vamp.)
Robert withdraws, taking the coal scuttle with him.

29
DENNIS. On the contrary-
ROBERT. (Of.) Of coarse they didrlt notice.
DENNIS.
-Ive barely-
ROBERT. (Of.) limprovised!
DENNIS. He was such a kindly, charming man.
CHRIS. It's true.
DENNIS. You met him?
CHRIS. Once at the local police station. He was a consultant on a
fraud case I was working on.
DENNIS. I see.

CHRIS. How long have you been working at Haversham Manor?

DENNIS. Eightyyears.
CHRIS. Eighty/ years?
DENNIS. (Corrects himself.) Eight years! Eight / years.
CHRIS. Eight years. And have you enjoyed your time here?
DENNIS. My time with Mr. Haversham has been nothing but a
joy. I feel that since I've come here I have been seen not only as a
butler but also as a friend and a confidant. If you need me I'll be in
my quarters. Exits.
Chris stares at himfuriously.
Exits!
Dennis realises and turns to go. He gathers up the props Annie
dropped on thefloor.
CHRIS. Thankyou, PerkinslIf you'd be so kind as to send in Florence
Colleymoore on your way out.
Sandra bursts in, followed by Robert. Dennis exits.
SANDRA. No need, I'm already here. Dont ask too much of me,
Inspector, I feel fragile as glass.
Sandra slams the door. We hear ahuge crash as Dennis drops
all of the props behind it.
CHRIS. At last, Colleymoore, you managed to find me a pencil?
ROBERT. Yes...Inspector.
Robert holds out the keys. Pause. Chris takes them.

30
CHRIS. And my notebook?
Robert holds out the vase. Pause. Chris takes it.
I knew Itl left them somewhere. I m going to have to speak to your
sister alone.
ROBERT. Very well. I'll be in the library, Florence.
Robert opens the door. Dennis is knelt down in the doorway,
having collected all the props. Robert walks straight into
him, causing Dennis to drop them all again as Robert closes
the door behindhim.
Dennis!
CHRIS. Dont fret, Miss Colleymoore, my questions will be brief
and to the point and then you can get some rest. Firstly, how old are
you, Miss Colleymoore?
SANDRA. Twenty-one.
CHRIS. lll make a note of that.
He tries to make a note by dragging one of, the keys across
the side of the vase. It clinks as it goes across the cut glass.
And when were you engaged to be married?
SANDRA. In the newyear.
Chris writes on vase again.
CHRIS. And when did you and your fianc6 first meet?
SANDRA. Only seven months ago, but my brother has known him
since school, he introduced us at a local gala and it was love at first
sight. I knew from the very first moment I saw him that he was the
man I wished to marry.
Pause.
CHRIS. (Ad-libs.) Ah, IVe run out of paper.
Chris puts the keys into the vase and puts the vase down on
the s. n. table. Sandra comes in a line too eaily, causing the
lines to go out of sync. The two become more frantic as they
try to get back on track.
SANDM. When you love someone there's no such thing as rushing,
Inspector.
CHRIS. Did you ever think you were rushing into this marriage?

31
SANDRA. Whywouldrlt I love him?
CHRIS. Did you love him, then?
SANDRA. How could anyone have benefitted?
CHRIS. Can you think of anyone who might have benefitted from
your fianc6's death?
SANDRA. Cecil?
CHRIS. Not even Cecil?
SANDRA. I wasnt having an affair! Dont raise your voice to me,
Inspector!
CHRIS. YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR!
SANDRA. (Slaps Chrk.) Dort't tell me to calm down!
CHRIS. Calm down, Miss Colleymoote. (Reacts to slap')
SANDRA. But where did you find it?
CHRIS. I found your letter; the one addressed to Cecil, written in
your hand, declaring your love for him and saying that the thought
of marrying Charles repulsed you.
SANDRA. Charles read it-
CHRIS. (Does Sandra's line for her in a high voice.) But where did
you find it? (Back to his normal voice.) I'll tell you where I found it:
in Charles'pocket!
SANDRA. Charles read it?! Then it was suicide!
CHRIS. Indeed! (Returningto a calmer delivery.) Or a murder, con-
ceived by yourself and Cecil Haversham so you could run away
together.
SANDRA. You diabolical beast. How can you? I wont stand for
this, Inspector. Accuse me again and you'll be sorr...
Robert bursts in, followed by Max; the door hits Sandra
sharply on the head and she collapses, unconscious' Trevor
picks up afirst-aidkit andheads out of his box'
ROBERT. What's all this shouting?
MAX. What is this, Inspector?
Robert and Chris see that Sandra is on the floor. Max looks
at Chris and doesn't see what's happened to Sandra.

32
CHRIS. I'm merely interviewing Miss Colleymoore, nothing more.
MAX. What's the matter, Florence?
Max turns to see Sandra on the floor.
CaIm down! Stop shouting.
Sandra remains unconscious.
ROBERT. She's having one of her episodes. Snap out of it, you're
hysterical.
Sandra remains unconscious.
MAX. Florence! Where are you going?
S andra remains unconscious.
ROBERT. Come back here this instant.
Sandra remains unconscious. Robert looks back to Max and
Chris.
She'srun off. I'll fetch her back. You stay here, Cecil, I daresay the
Inspector has some questions for you. You were Charles' brother
after all.
Robert exits.
MAX. I m sorry about her, Inspector, she's badly shaken, we all are.
It's been-
Max almost walks into the pillar again but just avoids it.
the night and it's getting late.
-quite
CHRIS. Indeed. Eleven o'clock already.
Chris looks at the clock. The hands are at five oblock.
MAX. Well do you have any questions for me, Inspector?
CHRIS. Yes, similar questions to those I asked Miss Colleymoore.
MAX. Fire away, Inspector, I'm at your service.
CHRIS. Indeed. You and your brother, did you get along well?
MAX. Up and down. There was rather more strain on our relation-
ship when Father died. And it was no secret that our father cared
for Charley more than myself.
CHRIS. I see. This is your father in the portrait, is it not?
Chris turns to the portrait. It is of a dog.

JJ
MAX. It is.
CHRIS. He was the spitting image of Charles, wasn't he?
MAX. He was ever since he was quite young, yes.
CHRIS. You were the junior by four years?
MAX. Almost four and didnt I know it.
lonathan and Robert peer through the curtains to see if
Sandra is alright. Then they reach through the window and
drag Sandra towards them, her body slamming against the
bottom of the flat.
Charles patronised and embarrassed me throughout our entire
childhood. He always thought he knew best, and Father always
took his side. If he ever didnt get his way he was unbearable.
Sandrai body is hoisted roughly up behind the curtain and
then dropped back down.
CHRIS. He sounds far from the ideal brother. In fact it sounds like
you hated one another.
Sandra's dress has ridden up, revealing her underwear.
Robert\ hand reaches down and pulls the dress back over
the underwear.
MAX. I won't lie, Inspector, Charles and I never truly saw-
Max turns and sees what is going on behind him as Sandra
is roughly lifted and dropped again.
to eye!Bfiif you're suggesting I had something to do with his
-eye
murder then you're mistaken.
CHRIS. I see. It's a dark night, Cecil.
MAX. Inspector!
Chris pulls the curtains open, revealingRobert, Annie, Trevor
and Jonathan. They allfreeze and try not to be seen. Sandra
is held unconscious, in an awkward position.

CHRIS. You can barely even make out the trees.

Silence. Then Chris and Max turn back o.s. As Max continues
with his next line, Robert, Treyor, Annie and ]onathan
continue to remove Sandra, but more noisily thanbefore. Vamp
shouting at each othen yelling instructions on how best to

34
 carry Sandra out. Max and Chris shout their lines over them.
MAX. What are you saying lnspector?
CHRIS. I'm saying, Cecil, that tonight would be the perfect night for
you to murder your brother.
MAX. Inspector, please, me and my brother had our diferences, but
deep down we caredfor one another.
CHRIS. AND YET YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HIS FIANCEE?
The group in the window drop Sandra and start again.
MAX. WHAT ON EARTH GAVE YOU TFIAT IDEA?
CHRIS. THIS LETTERI FOUND IN CHARLES'POCKET FROM
MISS COLLEYMOORE TO YOURSELF.
MAX. YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
CHRIS. I DO! AS,IT SEEMS...DID...CHAKLES!!
The others have managed to get Sandra out of the window.
Annie sharply draws the curtains.
MAX. Well bravo, Inspector! Youve found out about Florence and
I, but it proves nothing.
Panicking Max begins to mime his speech as he says it,
buildingfaster andfaster to a climax.
We had nothing to do with Charles' murder, but Thomas Colley-
moore does. Oh Inspector, he's a dangerously unhinged man, with
a devil of a temper and Florence is his sister. Now I've said it once
before and I shall say it once again: He couldnt stand the idea of
giving her up to any man, let alone his old school chum. He saw
them together at tonight's engagement party and he lost control
and he lashed out at Charles. A crime of passion perhaps, but there
it is!
Max strikes a pose.

CHRIS. Thank you, Mr. Haversham, you've been most helpful.

If Maxi speech gets a round of applause, Max takes a bow
and vamps, bowing as many times as he can and clapping
himself until Chris bellows, "Thank you, Mr. Haversham,"
and stops him.
Thank you, Mr. Haversham!...you've been most helpful. Perhaps

35
you could fetch Thomas Colleymoore. I'm going to have to follow
more than one line of enquiry at a time to get to the bottom of this.
MAX. At once, Inspector, anything to help the progress of your
investigation.
Max exits, slamminghis arm in the door.
Argh!
Max withdraws his arm and closes the door.
CHRIS. Hang it all, Charles. Who couldVe killed you? Everybody
under this damned roof seems guilty.
Chris sits on the chaise longue.

That's queer. Theres something underneath these cushions. A ledger?

Chris lifts up the cushions; there is no ledgen He begins to
searchfor it around the chaise longue. Chris vamps to cover,
repeating'A ledger?" over and over becoming more desperate.
He calk ofstagefor theledgea atfirst infury then eventually in
despair. There is sometimes a bit of audience interaction here.
Often an audience member will shout, "It\ underneathl' or
something similar to which Chris can respond:
"what?"
Audience member rep eats.

"what?"
Audien c e m emb er reP e at s.
"This is not a gameshowi'
Chris responds to the audience laugh.
"Stop laughing! Stop laughing!"

He repeats as the audience continue to laugh.

"This is not like television, I can see you as well!"
Chris finally sees the ledger under the chaise longue.
Ahh! A ledger! (Repeats the line again quietly as if he has seen the
Iedger for the first time.) A ledger...with Charles' initials inscribed
on the cover. Let me see. Notes, bills... what's this?
Chris takes afolded document tied up with ribbon out of the
ledger.

36
A newly written last will and testament dated only today? Let me
see...
Chris tries to untie the ribbon on the document, but he can't.
He reads of of the closed document.
"1, Charles Haversham, hereby amend my last will and testament to leave
my money, possessions andHaversham Manor to one..." Good Lord!
Max and Robert enter. Chris hurriedly puts the will back into
the ledger.
MAX. Inspector. Thomas Colleymoore foryou.
CHRIS. Thank you, Cecil, but before I question Mr. Colleymoore I
have some papers Id like to review in Charles' study. I shall return
presently.
MAX. Do take your time, Inspector.
ROBERT. Indeed.
Chris gets into the elevator carriage and closes the doors.
MAX. Tell me, Thomas, did you manage to find Florence.
ROBERT. She ran out into the grounds.
A dreadful clanking is heard from the elevator.
MAX. And what were your feelings about-
Chris shoves the upstairs elevator doors open to reveal the
elevator has stopped holf*q,between the two levels. Chris
climbs out onto the upper level. He slides the ledger forward
out of his way, but it goes too far and slips of the edge of the
upper level. Robert catches it and throws it back up to Chris.
And what were your feelings about Charles and Florenceb engage-
ment?
Chris slams the elevator doors shut upstairs, causing the
downstairs voice pipe funnel to fall of the wall. Robert picks
up the funnel and puts it back on the wall. This causes the
barometer to fall of. As the action continues downstairs,
Chris moves the chair D.s. on the upper level. He sits down
and starts to examine the will.
ROBERT. I was overjoyed of course. I love Florence and I loved
Charles, I couldnt have approved more of the match.

37
 Max picks up the barometer and puts it back on the wall,
causing the painting of the dog to fall down. Max catches the
painting leaving the barometer to Robert. They are left
holding all three items up.
MAX. Come now; Colleymoore, it's well known that you're over-
protective of your sister.
lust as Max gets the painting up into position, the telephone
rings. They look to it, unsure of how they wiII answer it.
I'll get it.
Max tries hard to keep holding the picture against the wall
and reach for the phone. The phone keeps ringing; fnally he
tries to hook it with his foot. The receiver falls of of the tele-
phone andfurther away on thefloor.
Good evening.
Beat.
It's for you.
ROBERT. Who the devil is it?
MAX. Your accountants, Colleymoore.
ROBERT. At half past eleven in the evening?
MAX. Yes.

ROBERT. Then hand me the receiver, Cecil.

Max slides the receiver in between his feet and manages to
throw it up with his feet and catch it in his free hand. Vamp
with the audience here if they respond. Max can show of
by throwing it up again and catching it, then repeating and
dropping it even further away than it was before and having
to pick it up again. Max stretches and passes the receiver to
Robert, who puts it to his ear keeping the voice pipe in place
with his foot and the barometer on the wall using his head.
(In extreme discomfort.) Good evening. Yes, Thomas Collel.rnoore
speaking. It is inconvenient, yes!... My recent deposits? What of
them?... Discrepancies? What are you talking about, man?.. ' Gone?
Gone where?... Nine thousand pounds stolen? Good God, man!
Perkins, get in here.
Dennis enters through the door as far as he can, knocking

38
 Robert down to his knees, struggling to keep everything in
place.
DENNIS. Yes, sir.
ROBERT. Bring me mybankbook, Perkins.
Dennis produces the bankbook.
DENNIS. Your bankbook, sir.
Dennis puts the bankbook into Robert\ mouth.
ROBERT (Muffledby the book.) Thankyou, Perkins.
DENNIS. Your pen, sir.
Dennis produces apen andforces it into Robertl mouth aswell.
ROBERT. (Even more muffled.) Thank you, Perkins.
Robert rearranges himself to take the phone again.
This is an absolute disgrace! Who am I speaking with? I'll report
you to your superiors. Mr. Fitzroy. I'll write that name down.
Robert writes "Mr. Fitzroy" in the bankbook with a lot of
dfficulty.
Mr... Fi...tz...roy...ro...ro...ro...oy, I'll have you know this tele-
phone call has put me in a very difficult position. Now look here,
Fitzroy,I didnt authorise this transaction, but you find out who did
and you call me back.
Robert tLtrows the phone to Max, who hangs it up.
MAX. What is it, Colleymoore?
ROBERT. Nine thousand pounds taken from myprivate savings.
MAX. Good Lord!
ROBERT. What a ghastly evening.
MAX. Thomas, I'm afraid I have a confession to make.
ROBERT. Mm?
MAX. Well... Florence and I are having an affair!
ROBERT. WHAT?!
Robert launches himself at Max, who dives n.s. The dog
picture, funnel and barometer mysteriously all stay hung in
their positions. Robert and Max double-take.
You and my sister?!

39
 Robert throws Max s. t.
MAX. Now calm down, Colleymoore.
ROBERT. You always were a snake in the grass, Cecil.
Robert throws Max o.s.
MAX. thinkl We're in love!
It's not what you
Robert pulls Max up by his hair and drags him back up
around the chaise longue, accidentally slamming his head
into the side of the clock. Robert draws a sword from the
fireplace.
ROBERT. My sister does not love you. How dare you lay a finger
on her? Your own brother's fianc6e; it's disgusting.
Robert slickly thrusts his sword upwards, removing and
catching the scabbard.
No wonder your father hated you.
MAX. Dont speak about my father, Colleymoore!
Max copies Robert's move, but the scabbard does not fty of
the sword, it comes of a bit and slides back down. Max
pulk of the scabbard instead and draws his sword.
ROBERT. The time has come for you to answer to me for your
indiscretions. Draw your swo...
Robert turns to see Maxls sword is already drawn.
En garde!
fight a few slick choreographed moves.
They

Nice try, Cecil, but no match for my skill. You know sometimes I
forget you're Charley's brother, you're so pathetic.
They fight again. Max leaps of of the back of the chaise
longue.
MAX. I always was too-
Max narrowly misses the pillar again.
for you, but still not bad, Colleymoore.
-quick
Max stamps on the floor causing a floorboard to flip up
and hit him in the face. Max looks fine for a moment but
then collapses out of sight behind the chaise longue. Max

40
 starts to get back to his feet. We hear a metallic snapping
sound. Max slowly pulls his sword up from behind the chaise,
revealing that it\ broken (now just a handle and a short
stump of blade). Max makes sword clanging sound efects as
they continuefighting.
Ching! Ching! Ching!
ROBERT. Rattle!Clang!
MAX. Ching!
ROBERT. Swipe!
MAX. Slice!
ROBERT. Ah,'tis nothing.
MAX. Have at you, Colleymoore! Ching! Ching! Ching!
Max bests Robert to the floor s. t below the upper level and
does two victory swipes as he walks away.
Yes! Swipe Swipe! YouVe got a good parry, Colleymoore.
ROBERT. Good parry? I'll show you a good parry!
Robert springs to his feet, accidentally thrusting his sword
through the underside of the upper level. The blade goes
straight through and comes up between Chris'legs, narrowly
missing his crotch. Robert tries to pull hk sword back but
finds it stuck. Robert continues the fight without his sword.
I'll show you a good parry!
MAX and ROBERT. Ching! Ching!
ROBERT. Slash!
MAX. Disarm!
Max throws his broken piece of sword into the fireplace.
ROBERT. Slash!
Max pulls a red strip offabric blood out of a hole in his jumper.
MAX. Blood!Aaaah!
Max vamps with the audience, miming and doing the sounds
of the blood squirting and then pouringfrom his wound.
ROBERT. I dont need this to kill a man like you, Haversham!
Robert throws Max to the floor.

4l
It seems there's no mystery as to who killed Charles anymore.
Robert drags Max to the door. He swings it open, bangrng
Max in the headas he does so, and then throws Max out of
the room.
He was killed by his own vile little brother in a fit of jealous rage.
You'll be sorry you ever laid a finger on my sister, Haversham. You'll
be sorry!
Robert exits, slamming the door. The dog picture, voice pipe
funnels, barometer, window grille, curtains and curtain
rails aA crash down of of the wall. Dennis is revealed in the
window with a glass of sherry on a tray. He runs in through
the door and puts the tray down by the telephone. Three
loud gunshots and Max screaming are heard ofstage.
DENNIS. Gunshots in the library!
CHRIS. (Picking up the voice pipe funnel and speaking into it.) Dear
God, what's going on down there?
DENNIS. (Pickingup thebarometer downstairs and speakinginto it.)
I dont know, Inspector. I heard gunshots. Please come down here.
CHRIS. (Into thepipe.) Im on myway, Perkins.
Chris gets in the elevator and it begins to descend. Robert
enters through the downstairs door.
ROBERT. Inspector! Inspector! Where's Inspector Carter?
DENNIS. He's coming down now in the elevator, Mr. Colleymoore.
We hear the elevator crash to the floor. Chris bursts out of it in
a cloud of smoke,looking shaken.
ROBERT There you are, Inspector. I dont know how you manage to
look so calm and collected in a situation such as this.
CHRIS. Itcomes from years of experience.
ROBERT Indeed.
CHRIS. It is important we remain calm and we dont let each other
out of our sight. Where's Miss Colleymoore?
ROBERT. She's coming now. Get in here, Florence.
lonathan opens the downstairs door and pusha Annie onstage.

42
 Annie is wearing Sandra\ dress over her own clothes and
clutches a script.
Florence, you dont look yourselfthis evening.
ANNIE. (Reading each word slowly from her script in an American
accent.) Thomas, I'm frightened.
ROBERT. Dont worry, Florence; you're safe in here with me.
DENNIS. What's happening, sir?
CHRIS. Isnt it obvious? Cecil has lost control.
ANNIE. Oh no not Cecil. (Pronounced "ke-sill.")
CHRIS. He killed Charles tonight, driven mad by his lust for you
and now he knows weVe found him out.
ANNIE. I cannot bear it. Cecil (Again pronounced "ke-sill.") would
not do such a thing.
DENNIS. Well this is a fine mess. The worst night IVe seen in
eighty- (Corrects himself.) eight years of service.
ANNIE. Save me, brother.
Annie goes to Chris, who pushes her back to Robert.
Ooh, save me, brother.
ROBERT. Dont worry, Florence. I shant let anyone hurt a hair on
your head.
ANNIE. I'm panicking.
Annie does a physical action to show she is panicking.
I cant believe...Cecil- (Still pronounced "ke-sill.")
CHRIS. Cecil/
ANNIE. Cecil...is doing this.
DENNIS. Try to relax, Miss Colleymoore.
ANNIE. I shall faint.
ROBERT. You shant faint-
Annie falls back without warning. Robert just catches her.
it!What a devil of a situation this is. Now-
-confound
lonathan bursts in, holdinghis gun.
JONATHAN. Not so fast,Insp... (Realises.) oh for Godt sake!

43
 lonathan realises he is still too early and exits.
ROBERT. Nowwe're-
lonathan wallcs past the window, his head in his hand. He
slowly realises the audience can see him. Mortified, he lowers
himself out of view.
Now we're all going to survive tonight, you hear me?
Chris peers out of the door
CHRIS. Take cover!
ROBERT. Great Scott!
DENNIS. Good heavens!
ANNIE. Ayme!
CHRIS. Dorft panic, Cecil is crossing the landing. We must lockhim
out!
ROBERT. Quickly, where are the keys to the door, Perkins?
DENNIS. Here they are, sir.
Dennis pulls out the Inspector's notebook from his pocket.
Chris upends the vase, sendingthe keysflying across the stage.
Dennis drops the notebook and catches the keys.
Here they are, sir.
CHRIS. Hand them to me quickly, Perkins, before Cecil bursts in-
The door bursts open and Max staggers inside.
DENNIS and ROBERT. No! No!
Max shuffles forward a few paces and then flops dead onto
the chaise longue. We see three bullet wounds in his back.
Good Lord!
Lights shift to red and the short musical spike plays. Then the
Iights shift back.
ANNIE. Cecil's dead?
Lights shift to red again. The same short musical spike plays.
The lights shift back.
DENNIS. A double murder!
The lights turn to red and a short burst of an English new

44
 wave songlike "Girls on Film" by Duran Duran plays.. Then
the correct musical spike cuts in. The lights shift back.
TREVOR. Found the Duran Duran...
CHRIS. Time of death: quarter to mid. ..

Chris looks at the clock. It still reads five oblock.

Five o'clock.
ANNIE. Cecil! No. No. No. I loved him. I loved him. I know it was
wrong. I know I was engaged to Charles.
She makes a noise of realisation-Annie was unaware of
this bit of the story.
Cecil was mine and.
-but
Silence. Chris turns the page in her stipt.
...I was his.
DENNIS. There there, Miss Colleymoore.
ANNIE. Howwill I go on? Sobs.
CHRIS. You! Take this body outside.
DENNIS. Yes, Inspector.
ROBERT. I'll lend you a hand, Perkins.
Dennis exits.
CHRIS. I've seen an awful lot in the twenty years I ve been an
Inspector.
Dennis reenters, carryingthe two stretcher polesfrom earlier.
Dennis and Robert lay them on the floor in front of the chaise
Iongue and roll Max on top of them.
But two murders on one evening is certainly unusual.
Robert and Dennis lift the poles. Max grasps them and holds
on for dear life. Robert and Dennis carry Max to the door.
Robert and Dennis can't get Max of through the door so
they rotate him ninety degrees onto his side and exit through
the door. Annie shuts the door behind them.
Robert backs up past the window revealing Max still on the
* See Note on Songs/Recordings at the back of this volume.

** If a song by a different band is used, change "Duran Duran" appropriately.

45
 poles. Max grins at the audience; Robert andDennis quickly
lower him out of view. Max stands up in the window and
grins at the audience again. Robert grabs him and pulls him
out of sight; Max smacks his head on the edge of the window
as he goes.
ANNIE. Oh Inspector, my fianc6 and my lover killed on the same
eve.
CHRIS. Remember your breathing, Miss Colleymoore, now is not
the time for another of your episodes.
ANNIE. (Calm.) I am having an episode,Inspector. I cannot help it.
CHRIS. (IJnder his breath.) Have an episode. Have...an...episode'
(Loudly.) Have an episode.
Annie tries to scream and shake as she has seen Sandra do in
rehearsals. Vamp. Annie builds the episode bigger and bigger
until it reaches a climax and she flops onto the chaise longue.
No, Miss Colleymoore.
Robert and Dennis reenter.
ROBERT. Florence, control yourself girl.
DENNIS. She's having another one of her hysterical episodes.
ANNIE. (Calmly reads.) They're dead. They're gone and they're
never coming back.
ROBERT. I will not tolerate another tantrum, Florence.
ANNIE. (Calm.) Get away from me, Thomas. You dont understand
my grief.
ROBERT. That's enough, take one of your pills.
ANNIE. No. Not more pills.
Annie takes a pill with no hesitation.
Oh, they're mints.
ROBERT. But who could have killed...
Annie upstages Robert by sinkingback onto the chaise longue,
pretending to be knocked out by the pill.
But who could have killed him?
DENNIS. That's a good question, Mr. Colleymoore.

46
CHRIS. ...and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to get
out of this house alive.
ANNIE. Oh Inspector, you've given me a chill.
CHRIS. Perkins, pour us all another scotch.
DENNIS. Of course, Inspector.
Dennis pours more white spirit for everyone.
CHRIS. Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the
grounds other than the four ofus?
ANNIE. Not a soul.
ROBERT. The gardener left at six, the only other member of staff
is Perkins. (Drinks and spits out the white spirit.) Good God, I
needed that.
CHRIS. Does anyone have access to the grounds?
ANNIE. No one, Inspector.
DENNIS. I m the only one with a master key and as instructed I
locked and bolted the doors as soon as you arrived.
ROBERT. Then who could have killed him?
DENNIS. That's a good question, Mr. Colleymoore.
CHRIS. ...and one we need to answer quickly if wdre going to get
out of this house alive.
ANNIE. Oh Inspector, you've given me a chill.
CHRIS. Perkins, pour us all another scotch.
Chris and Robert start to realise that they have been here
before.
DENNIS. Of course, Inspector.
Dennis pours white spirit again.
CHRIS. Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the
grounds other than the four of us?
ANNIE. Not a soul.
ROBERT. The gardener left at six, the only other member of staff
is Perkins. (Drinks. Spits it out again.) Good God, I needed that.
CHRIS. Does anyone have access to the grounds?

47
ANNIE. No one, Inspector.
DENNIS. Im the only one with a master key and as instructed I
locked and bolted the doors as soon as you arrived.
ROBERT (Pointedly, hoping Dennis will say the correct line this time.)
Then who could have killed him?
Dennis knows something is wrongbut not what, and the loop
of dialogue goes around again.
DENNIS. That's a good question, Mr. Colleymoore.
CHRIS. ...and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to get
out of this house alive.
ANNIE. Oh Inspector, youve given me a chill.
CHRIS. Perkins, pour us all another scotch.
DENNIS. Of course, Inspector.
Dennis pours white spirit again.
CHRIS. Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the
grounds other than the four ofus?
ANNIE. Not a soul.
ROBERT. The gardener left at six, the only other member of staffis
Perkins. (Drinks. Splfs.) Good God,I needed that.
CHRIS. Does anyone have access to the grounds?
ANNIE. No one, Inspector.
DENNIS. I m the only one with the master key and as instructed I
locked and bolted all the doors as soon as you arrived.
ROBERT. Then who could have killed him?
Pause. All look at Dennis.
DENNIS. That's a good question, Mr. Colleymoore.
The scriptloops again. Muchfaster this time.
CHRIS. ...and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to get
out of this house alive.
ANNIE. Oh Inspector, you've given me a chill!
CHRIS. Perkins, pour us all another scotch.
DENNIS. Of course, Inspector.
Dennis pours white spirit again.

48
CHRIS. Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the
grounds other than the four ofus?
ANNIE. Not a soul.
ROBERT. The gardener left at six, the only other member of staffis
Perkins. (Drinks again. Spits out again.) Good God, I needed that.
CHRIS. Does anyone have access to the grounds?
ANNIE. No one, Inspector.
DENNIS. I'm the only one with a master key and as instructed I
locked and bolted the doors as soon as you arrived.
ROBERT. THEN WHO COULD HAVE KILLED HIM?
Pause. Tense, everyone desperate that Dennis will get it right
this time.
DENNIS. That's a good question, Mr. Colleymoore.
ROBERT and CHRIS. Argh!!
CHRIS. ...and one we need to answer quickly if wete going to get
out of this house alive.
ANNIE. Oh Inspector, youVe given me a chill.
CHRIS. Perkins, pour us all another scotch.
DENNIS. Of course, Inspector.
Dennis pours white spirit again.
CHRIS. Now tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the
grounds other than the four ofus?
ANNIE. Not a soul.
ROBERT. The gardener left at six, the only other member of staffis
Perkins. (Throws the white spirit in Dennis' face.) Good God, I
needed that!
Chris throws his white spirit in Dennis'face as well.
CHRIS. Does anyone have access to the grounds?
ANNIE. No one, Inspector.
DENNIS. (In pain, the white spirit burning his skin.) I m the only
one with a master key and as instructed I locked and bolted all the
doors as soon as you arrived.
Chris and Robert grab Dennis.

49
ALL. Then who could have killed him?
DENNIS. (Realises.) No one! YES! No one could have killed him,
except for the people who are in this room.
CHRIS. Good God, youte right, it's one of us.
AII gasp.
ANNIE. (Reads.) This is a disaster! Blackout. Intermission.
Annie realises her mistake.
oh.
Blackout, Tabsfly in. Music.

End of Act One

btrtnuet Acrtvtrv:
Robert appears in auditorium/foyer in a robe and joins the
queuefor ice creams. Chris appears and sends him bacl<stage.

50
 ACT TWO

Dramatic house music plays.

The house lights fade; shouting is heard behind the tabs. Chris
emergesfrom under the tabs. A spotlight comes up onhim.

CHRIS. Good evening again,ladies and gentlemen, I hope you have

enjoyed the break, we will be resuming this evening's performance
momentarily I am assured. I... I must say I m delighted to see that so
many of you have returned for the second act.
Obviously I would be lying if I said the first act went entirely as
rehearsed, there were one or two minor snags, which you may or
may not have picked up on. But they are snags that you would expect
to see in any production. And this certainly hasnt been the worst
first act Cornley Drama Society has seen by some stretch.
Chris gives a hollow laugh.
|ust last year due to a casting error Cornley Drama Society had to
present Sn ou White and the Seyen TaIl Broad Gentlemen, Anyway-
Chris is interrupted by Trevor\ voice over his radio.
TREVOR. (Over radio.) ...No, it's going quite badly to be honest,
buddy.
CHRIS. Before we begin again-
TREVOR. (Over radio.) Yeah, she's still unconscious and we still
can't find the dog-
CHRIS. Trevor!
Before we resume the production, one word of health and safety
administration: Could I please ask anyone who consumed any of
the salted nuts available during the intermission to please seek
medical help immediately.
And now I present to you the concluding act of The Murder at
Haversham Manor.
Chris exits s. a. Spotlight out. Music. The tabs fly out, revealing
chaos as Annie, Max, Robert, Dennis, lonathan and the stage

51
 crew all rehang the picture, voice pipe funnels, barometer,
curtains, etc. They see the audience. Chris entersfrom the s. n.
wing. He gestures ofstage and the house tabs fly back in.
Beat. The house tabs fly back out, revealing Robert, Dennis,
Chris and Annie in their positions from the end of Act One.
Ionathan, Max and the stage crew have gone. All wall hangngs
are back in position. Beat.
DENNIS. No one could-
Allwallhangings crash down to thefloor. The cast clear every-
thinginto the wings.
No one could have killed him, except for the people who are in this
room.
CHRIS. Good God, youre right, it's one of us!
All gasp.
ANNIE. from her script.) This is a disaster.
(Reads

ROBERT. And it's not over yet! Two murders on one night at
Haversham Manor, what a grizzly evening.
ANNIE. Frightful, brother, frightful.
DENNIS. And look, Mr. Colleymoore, the snowstorm outside is
building.
Max appears in the window and throws snow out.
ROBERT. If we're not careful well be snowed into this slaughter-
house. We must discover the guilty man.
CHRIS. Indeed. The gunshots were heard coming from the library.
I shall investigate the room. All of you remain here.
Chris exits through the downstairs door. As he opens it,
lonathan is revealed standing in the doorway ready to go
on. He swiftly moves out of view.
ROBERT. This whole business is a disgrace. Now let us remind
ourselves of what we know.
DENNIS. We know that Charles Haversham was found murdered
here, in his own private rooms, on the night of his engagement party.
ROBERT. We know that his fianc6e was involved in an affair with
his own brother, Cecil. How could my sister behave in such away?

52
ANNIE. Not now, Thomas. We know that he too was murdered on
the same eve, in cold blood.
DENNIS. The only thing we dont know is who the murderer is.
ANNIE. Oh, the tension in this house is...
Annie trips up over the rug and drops her script on the floor.
The pages ofher script go everywhere. Annie tries to pick up
the papers, but they are all out of order.
Oh, the tension in this house is... Oh, the tension in thi... oh it...
oh, it's tense.
ROBERT. Florence. How do you feel now?
ANNIE. (Ad libs, brightly.) Im good.
ROBERT. That's dreadful.
ANNIE. (Ad libs.) Oh dreadful, yes, I want to die!
ROBERT. That's the spirit, Florence.
DENNIS. But now, Miss Colleymoore, I must askyou an important
question. Where were you when the murder was committed?
Dennis mimes the line to her. He points down and mimes
drinking a cup of tea. Annie misinterprets.
ANNIE. On the floor with a moustache.
ROBERT. That makes perfect sense. So was L
Annie reads of the wrongpage of the script.
ANNIE. Kiss me a thousand times, I'm yours!
ROBERT. Of course, Florence, that's what brothers are for.
DENNIS. This is a disaster! And already it's midnight.
Trevor plays a loud clock chime twelve times.
That was most-
Trevor hits the chime again. He sees he has confused Dennis
and stops.
...that was most-
Trevor hits the chime again and laughs to himself.
TREVOR. (To Dennis.) Sorry, buddy, go on.
DENNIS. Thatw-

53
 Trevor hits the chime again. Chris opens the study door.
CHRIS. Trevor!
Chris closes the study door.
DENNIS. That was most ominous. (Pronounced'bmoo-noose.")
ROBERT. Ominous indeed.
Chris enters upstairs,holdinga gun. He calbinto thevoicepipe.
CHRIS. Study to lounge. Are you there, Colleymoore?
ROBERT. (Callingup to Chris.) Yes,Inspector.
CHRIS. Colleymoore, come up to the study quickly. I must speak
withyou.
ROBEM. At once, Inspector.
Robert gets into the elevator carriage. We hear the elevator
breaking. Hefalls out in a cloud of smoke.
CHRIS. There you are, Colleymoore!
ROBERT. Yes, Inspector.
Robert tries to climb up to the upper level.
CHRIS. I must speak with you, Thomas.
ROBERT. Of course, Carter.
CHRIS. Are you sitting comfortably?
ROBERT. Most comfortably, Inspector.
Dennis and Annie try to push Robert up.
CHRIS. Before we speak, I must check no one else is in earshot.
ROBERT. No one else is here,Inspector.
CHRIS. Verywell. Colleymoore,I have found the weapon thatwas
used to kill Cecil Haversham.
Robert manages to get up onto the upper level and takes the
gunfrom Chris.
ROBERT. Good Lord, where was it?
CHRIS. In the library, lying on the table. Muzzle warm and the
barrel still smoking.
ROBERT. Someone killed Cecil with this?
CHRIS. Yes,less than half an hour ago.

54
ROBERT. Butwho?
CHRIS. I was hoping you would be able to tell me that, Colley-
moore. After all we are friends, arent we?
ROBERT. I have no idea who killed Cecil, I was down in the kitchens
when I heard the gunshots, fetching my sister some refreshment...
Robert forgets his line.
Line!
TREVOR. (On his way out of his tech box.) I don t know what page
we're on, buddy!
ROBERT. I dont know what page we're on, buddy.
Robert realises this isn't the line and looks to Trevor furiously.
CHRIS. (Prompts Robert.) Besides why would I / want to...
ROBERT. Besides why would I want to kill my oldest friend's
younger brother?
CHRIS. Perhaps because you found out about his affair with Flor-
ence. We all know you're a jealous man, Colleymoore; ruthlessly
protective of your sister.
ROBERT. Protective! I approve of whatever makes my sister happy.
CHRIS. Dont play the fool with me, Thomas. You shot Cecil
Haversham in cold blood and you know that wasnt the plan.
Chris and Robert pose with their hands on their chins. Lights
shift to downstairs. There is a heavy knock at the door.
DENNIS. Who the devil could that be?
ANNIE. (Searches through the pages.) Err. . . I don t know!
DENNIS. You're probably right! Quickly, Miss Colleymoore, we
must hide you out of harm's way. Charles had a secret passage built
behind this bookcase. Stand back, I'll open it.
Dennis pulls a book down from the bookshelf. Nothing
happens. Dennis looks at the bookcase. It turns and swallows
Dennis up.
(Of.) Step inside, Miss Colleymoore.
Annie steps in front of the bookcase, and it swivels again,
swallowing her and spitting Dennis back out. Dennis goes
around again. Anniefollows around after him.

55
You're safe in there-
As Dennis reemerges, this time Trevor is spat out after him.
More knocking comes from the downstairs door. Trevor goes
to exit through the door but hears more knocking panics
and hides in the grandfather clock.
You're safe in there, Miss Colleymoore.
Dennis opens the downstairs door. Thunder and lightning.
Max stands in the doorway dressed as a new character
(Arthur the Gardener) in an overcoat, with mutton chops, a
watering can and holding a lead with no dog. Max gives the
same performance he did as Cecil.
Arthur the Gardener! What are you doing here?
MAX. I was gardening late in the grounds this evening with Winston
(Holds up the lead.) when we got caught in the storm and couldnt
make it to the gates.
DENNIS. Good heavens, Arthur, come inside. You wont believe
what a nightmare this evening has been.
MAX. How do you mean? Woah, Winston, down from the chaise
longue!
He mimes holding down the invisible dog. Vamp. Max holds
the imaginary dogbackfrom going into the audience.
DENNIS. Mr. Haversham was murdered tonight.
MAX. Mr. Haversham? Surelyyou dont mean Charles Haversham?
Max walks straight into the pillar supportingthe upper level
and knocks it over, causing the upper level, with Robert and
Chris on it, to tip forward on an incline, still suspended. The
drinks cabinet and chair slide across the floor. Chris and
Robert grab them before they roll of the edge. Chris and
Robert move to the door and try to go through it, but the
door handle comes of in Roberti hand. They are trapped.
Vamp. Brief inaudible argument between them. Robert tries
to reattach the handle. Then suddenly together they stare
out and freeze in the pose from earlier with their right hands
on their chins.
DENNIS. And not only that, his brother Cecil was also killed tonight.

56
MAX. Yes, well that explains the strange goings-on I have seen in
the grounds this evening.
Max picks up the loose pillar and passes it out of the window.
Ionathan is briefly seen takingitfromhim.
DENNIS. Strange goings-on?
MAX. A mysterious figure stood by the window to this very room
and I noticed that the latch on the window was forced and Winston
found this on the ground beneath it.
Max produces a handkerchief from his pocket and passes it
to Dennis.
A lace handkerchief. With a deep red mark with a distinctive scent.
Dennis smells the handkerchief then reads of hk hand.
DENNIS. Cyanide. (Pronounced "ky- a-nid- ee." )

MAX. Precisely! Cyanide.

Dennis becomes upset he has made yet another mistake and
turns u.s. to hide his emotion. Maxbriefly comforts Dennis,
and he turns back to the audience.
you can tell from the shape of the mark it's been used to hold
-and
a bottle.
Dennis reveals that a bottle has been uudely drawn onto the
handkerchief.
But not only that, it's embroidered with the initials F.C.
DENNIS. Florence Colleymoore.
MAX. Indeed.
Lights shift upstairs. Robert stops trying to reattach the door
handle and puts it into the drinks cabinet.
CHRIS. I must show you something, Thomas. No doubt you'll find
it interesting.
Robert tries to lean against the desk and slipsforward slightly.
ROBERT. Well... well... well... What is it, Inspector?
CHRIS. A new draft of Charles'last will and testament, dated only
tod-ay!
Chris moves and the whole upper level wobbles.

57
It appears he has changed the beneficiary.
Chris passes the will to Robert, who cannot untie the ribbon.

ROBERT. Who on earth has he changed the benefic... well who...

on earth has he changed the beni... Well who has he-
Robert pretends to read of of the front of it.
Good Lord!
CHRIS. That's right!
ROBERT. He's leaving it all to Perkins!
Lights shift dow nstairs.
DENNIS. Arthur the Gardener, youre suggesting that Florence
Colleymoore broke into Charles'private rooms this afternoon?
MAX. Florence has murdered her own fianc6!
DENNIS. Miss Colleymoore, get in here now!
The bookcase spins around, revealing Annie holding a new
script.
You killed Charles Haversham and we have the evidence to prove it.
ANNIE. (Grinning knowing she now has the correct script.) How
dare you, Perki...
The drinks cabinet on the upper level slips andfalls towards
Annie. Robert catches it. Lights shifi upstairs.
CHRIS. The time has come to confront Perkins and tell him we
know what he has done! Get in the elevator, Colley...moore.
ROBERT. Yes, Inspector.
Robert edges over to the elevator and loolcs inside. He looks
at Chris and shakes his head.
CHRIS. (Ad libs.) Then wdll have to take the stairs.
ROBERT. (Adlibs.)Afteryou.
Chris passes the chair to Robert, who remains frozen on the
upper level. Chris slowly slides his legs of the edge of the
upper level until the point of no return, when he drops down
onto the lower level and stands uP.
CHRIS. Perkins.

58
ANNIE. (Reading from script.) Thank heavens, Inspector. These
two have been accusing me of the most dreadful things.
MAX. Hold your tongue. We all know what you've done! Woah,
Winston! Down, boy!
Max mimes holding the dogbackfrom Chris.
DENNIS. Winston, the Inspectort here to help us.
MAX. I'm sorry about Winston, Inspector. I'll put him outside.
Max throws the lead out through the door.
CHRIS. Arthur, I presume?
MAX. Im the longest serving member of staffhere at Haversham
Manor.
DENNIS. He's been working for Mr. Haversham for ninetyyears.
CHRIS. (Aside to Dennis.)Nine.
DENNIS. Ninety-nine years.
CHRIS. Ninety-nine years? What a dedicated man.
Hearing this, Max hunches over and acts as though he is
incredibly old. Chris continues his line through gritted teeth.
But Arthur, I was informed-
Chris turns and sees Max.
I was informed that you left Haversham Manor at six o'clock today?
MAX. (Old man voice.) What's that, young man?
Chris grabs Max and pulls him up to standing. Max reyerts
to his normal performance.
CHRIS. It would appear you were hiding in the grounds on the
night two men were murdered here!
DENNIS. Arthur became trapped in the storm and couldnt make
it to the gates.
CHRIS. How implausible. I dont suppose you realise what you
have walked into this evening then, Arthur?
MAX. On the contrary, Inspector. It appears I have discovered a
clue that will close this case.
Max holds out the handkerchief.

s9
CHRIS. A handkerchief?
DENNIS. Monogramm ed. (Pronounced "mon-oh-gram-ed.")
CHRIS. Monogrammed.
MAX. And stained with cyanide. (Pronounced "ky-a-nid-ee.")
CHRIS. Cyanide!
MAX. Dropped beneath the forced window that was used to gain
access to this room so someone could poison Charles.
CHRIS. Good God, how dreadfuM must inspect this handkerchief
in more detail. Thomas, fetch my magnifying glass from Charles'
desk.
ROBERT. (Still on the upper level.)Without delay, Inspector.
Robert reaches for the desk. He pulk the desk towards him
and the upper level suddenly drops again, sending the desk,
drinks cabinet and chair sliding down into a pile on top of
him. Robertl hand emerges, rummages in the drawer and
produces the magnifuing glass. Robert passes the magnifuing
glass to Chris.
Your magnifring glass, Inspector.
CHRIS. Thankyou, Thomas.
pot plant tips over, falls on top of the furniture pile.
The

DENNIS. But Inspector, there is something you do not know about

that handkerchie-
The telephone rings loudly.
MAX. I'll get it. (Picks up receiver.) Good evening?... Ah yes. It's
for you, Mr. Colleymoore.
ROBERT. (From beneath the furniture.) Another telephone call?
MAX. Yes, sir.
ROBERT. Who is it, Arthur?
MAX. Mr. Fitzroy, sir.
ROBERT. Hand me the receiver, Arthur.
MAX. At once, sir.
Max tries to pass Robert the receiver, but the cord doesn't
reach. Annie, Max and Chris create a chain of arms from

60
 the phone with Chris' hand in a phone shape at the end.
When they are all at fuII stretch, Max releases some of his
gardener\ glove to give them the extra few inches they need
to get the receiver to Robertb ear.
Fitzroy! Thank you for calling again... Yes this is a much more con-
venient time, thank you. . . Another transaction traced. . . A one-way
ticket to Dover? No I have no idea!
Max drops his end of the gardener\ glove.
Hello? Eitzroy? Are you there?
Chris flicks the glove and Max catches it again.
Ah, there you are, Fitzroy. Youve given nine thousand pounds of
my money to someone else. You are causing me more pain than
you could possibly imagine! I shall hang up the phone immediately.
The phone is hung up.
DENNIS. Mr. Colleymoore, you look like you could use a scotch.
ROBERT. NoI No more scotch thank you, Perkins. What a dreadful
evening! I must check my bank records once more, if you'll excuse
me,..
Robert begins to try and exit through the upstairs door,
crawling with all the furniture towards it.
If you'll excuse me... if you'll excuse me!
Throughout thefollowing Robert is very noisily tryingto get
of and take all the furniture with him. The upstairs door
opens and lonathan is briefly seen on the other side holding
some tools. The other actors shout to cover the noise Robert
is making.
DENNIS. Inspector! There is something about the handkerchief
you have not detected!
CHRIS. What is it, Perkins?
DENNIS. That handkerchief bears upon it the initials F.C.
MAX. Florence Colleymoore is the murderer, Inspector!
ANNIE. Me? The murderer? How can you?
CHRIS. You are the murderer, Miss Colleymoore. It is plain for us
all to see. You were engaged to be married to Charles, a man who

61
according to your letter you despised. Not only this but you were
having an affair with his brother. It seems plausible to me that you
both murdered him so you could be together.
Robert eventually gets all the furniture out the door. More
vemp or less of Chris' speech if necessary. The last item is the
globe, which almost slips out of Robert's control and slides
towards the edge of the upper level. Robert grabs it and
throws it through the door.
ROBERT. If you'll excuse me.
Robert exits and slams the door shut behindhim.
(Of.) I think itt going rather WELL!
Robert is immediately seenfallingpast the window,
MAX. Florence Colleymoore is the murderer, Inspector!
ANNIE. Me, the murderer? How can yo-
Robert enters sharply throughthe downstairs door, knocking
Annie out.
ROBERT I checked my bank recor...oh!!
CHRIS. You're lying, Florence, you killed him!
ROBERT. She's having another one of her hysterical episodes.
Robert and Chris lift Annieb body up and sit her on the
windowsill.
CHRIS. You killed your fianc6, Florence. What do you have to say
for yourself?
Chris lifts Annie's face so she looks out to the qudience.
SANDRA. (Of.)I am no murderer!
Sandra bursts in through the swivel bookcase in her under-
wear. Chris and Robert drop Annie backwards through the
window.
CHRIS. We all know that's not true.
SANDRA. It is true, Inspector!
MAX. You've been exposed.
CHRIS. Very well, Miss Colleymoore, your name can easily be
cleared. We must examine Charles' body for evidence of cyanide

62
poisoning. Colleymoore, Perkins, show me to the service quarters
so I can check the deceased once more.
DENNIS. Inspector.
CHRIS. Arthur, you stay here with Miss Colleymoore and ensure
she does not leave this room.
Chris, Robert and Dennis exit through the downstairs door.
Sandra and Max are alone again. Max stares at thefloor;he
cannot look at Sandra.
SANDRA. Arthur, you have known me years, surelyyou believe I
would never do something like this?
MAX. On the contrary, Miss Colleymoore, it was I who discovered
you to be the guilty party.
SANDRA. Oh Arthur! How can you? Please, you must protect me
from these fiends! I'll do anything to win your trust.
Sandra throws herself into Max's arms.
MAX. Miss Colleymoore, you know I cannot resist your feminine
charms.
SANDRA. I have seen the wayyou look at me across the grounds.
Even now, the way you're looking at me.
Max stares away from her.
Even now, the wayyou're looking at me... Even now the wayyou're
looking at me!
Sandra turns Max's head to look at her.
I know how you feel.
MAX. Please, Miss Colleymoore, I am a simple gardener, I...
SANDRA. And you have said before how rad-
Sandra pulls her hand away from Maxb face, accidentally
tearing of one of Max\ mutton chops. Max takes it back and
tries to stick it back on, but it won't stick. Max swaps places
with Sandra so his remaining chop is facing the audience.
Little vamp here of Max grinning at the audience.
And you have said before-
Max holds the loose chop up so it looks like a moustache on
his face.

63
And you have said before-
Max holds up the loose chop so it looks like a moustache on
Sandra's face.
And you have said before how radiant I look as I walk across the
gardens. Oh Arthur, protect me. I'll be yours if you do.
Sandra grasPs Max tightlY'
MAX. Miss Colleymoore, I do not feel as you suggest. You are a
murderer and a seductress and I shall not be seduced.
Max pushes Sandra away. Sandralets out a squeal of frus-
tration and bangs on the side of the clock. Trevor is startled
within the clock and opens the doon knocking Sandra out
again.
Max and Trevor look at one another. They lift Sandra\ un-
conscious body into the clock. Having done this, they remember
the audience is watching. Maxlooks at the script and to Trevor.
He gives Trevor the script and gestures to Present him to the
audience. Trevor reluctantly reads as Florence.
TREVOR. (Reads.) But Arthur, how can you resist me? I'm a beau-
tiful woman.
MAX. Stop, Miss Colleymoore. You are using your powers over
men as you always have.
TREVOR. (Reads.) You can't pretend your feelings aren't real.
MAX. Very well, perhaps it is true that I have admired you'
TREVOR. (Reqds.) Then kiss...ohh! Ttren kiss me, Arthur. You
know you want to.
Beat. Max approaches Trevor. Trevor breaks away' He speaks
to someone ofstage.
Nah. Nah. No one wants to see that.
Vamp. Sometimes audiences become very involved here.
Max looks to them for their approval that they do want to
see this and is encouraged and runs o1)er and kisses Trevor
(mouth wide open over his as it was with Sandra earlier).
Robert, Chris and Dennis enter and see them.
ROBERT. What on earth is...

64
 Silence.
What on earth is going on?
MAX. I can explain.
ROBERT. I dont thinkyou can.
DENNIS. Miss Collelnnoore in Arthur's arms?
CHRIS. A second affair?
ROBERT. Florence, youve changed.
TREVOR. (Reads.) Your wild accusations have driven me to this. I
feel dizzy.I feel like I'm about to pass out!
CHRIS. I suggest you settle down, Miss Colleymoore.
DENNIS. Quickly, where's her medication?
ROBERT. Blast, I must have left it in the study.
Robert exits through the downstairs door.
CHRIS. Miss Colleymoore, you are a vile criminal.
DENNIS. And to thinkwe tookyou in!
MAX. You have manipulated me. I have let my master down tonight.
CHRIS. And all the while you were plotting your fianc6's demisel
TREVOR. Oh Inspector! All these accusations, I feel an episode
coming on.
Trevor protests at having to do this.
CHRIS. (Snarling under his breath.) Have an episode.
Trevor reluctantly begins to have an episode. He then starts to
enjoy it, playingof the audience. Hebuilds it untilhis episode
becomes ridiculously large and invades Chris' personal space.
Chris pushes him aside, and Trevor trips under the upper level.
Settle down, Miss Colleymoore!
Robert reappears through the upstairs door.
ROBERT. Now where's this medi-CATlON/
As Robert steps on the upper level, itfully collapses, uushing
Trevor. Silence. Dennis bangs his fist on the chaise longue in
frustration.
If you'll excuse me.

65
 Robert exits and closes the door, causing a piece of lighting
truss to swing down from the rig with a big spark.
CHRIS. An adulteress and a cold-blooded killer!
SANDRA. (Within the clock.) I'm not, Inspector!
All turn to face the clock. Sandra tries to get out. Chris tries
to open the front, but she is stuck inside.
CHRIS. Yes you are, Miss Colleymoore!
SANDRA. (From within the clock.) Oh Inspector! I cant take it
anymore, I shall faint.
Chris lowers the clock onto one side. Beat.
DENNIS. She's fainted.
MAX. It's all become too much for her.
CHRIS. Quickly,lie her down on the chaise.
Beat. Max, Dennis and Chris lifi the clock onto the chaise
longue. The legs snap.
That's better.
Robert enters with a pillbox and a gJass of water.

ROBERT. I found Florence's- (Sees the clock andfreezes.) ...med-

ication... whatt happened?
CHRIS. Florence has fainted.
Chris, Max and Dennis all gesture to the clock in unison.
MAX. There there, Miss Colleymoore.
Dennis, Max and Chris all stroke the clock.
ROBERT. Good Lord. I'll wake her up.
Robert throws the glass of water onto the clock face.
She's out cold.

CHRIS. But Arthut is this the same person you saw outside the
windowthis evening?
MAX. I cannot tell, Inspector. Mr. Colleymoore, please move her
hands from her face.
Robert slowly looks at the clock, then swiftly tears the hands
of of the clock face and pockets them.
It was not her, Inspector. Besides the figure I saw was that of a man.

66
 Annie slowly stands up in the window. Robert shoves her out
of sight.
CHRIS. Of course it was, you were taken in by a handkerchief
planted outside the window to frame Florence. She and Cecil both
have plausible motives for murder, but the true motive belongs to
Perkins!
Annie enters through the door getting in between Chris and
Dennis as Chris points to Dennis.
DENNIS. Me,Inspector?
CHRIS. You, Perkins! It appears Charles made Perkins the sole
beneficiary...
Annie picks up the script in Trevor's hand, revealing e splatter
ofblood across the front of it.
...of his inheritance.
DENNIS. This is all a mistake.
CHRIS. Saveyour...
Annie climbs up on top of the clock to resume playing Florence.
Sheflops down, pretending to be unconscious.
Save your pleading for the police station.
Chris throws a pair of handcufs to Robert, who cufs Dennis
to the chaise longue.
Thomas, handcuff him to the chaise longue lest he escape before I
can drive him there.
MAX. That worft be for hours, the snow is at its peak.
A single weak handful of snow is thrown in the window.
DENNIS. It's not true, I tell you.
Annie pretends to wake up.
ANNIE. What happened? I must have fainted! Curse my delicate...
Sandra opens the door of the grandfather cloclc,hittingAnnie.
SANDRA. What happened? I must have fainted! Curse my delicate
constitution.
ROBERT. You did faint, Florence. WeVe learned that Perkins com-
mitted the murder.

67
SANDRA. Perkins?
ANNIE. (Copying Sandra.) Perl<tns?
SANDRA and ANNIE. But he's such a kindly old man!
Sandra and Annie small vamp telling each other to get of
stage. They bothfreeze in Florencels position s. t
DENNIS. This is all a misunderstanding! I didnt kill Charles, but I
knowwho did.
ALL. WHO?
DENNIS. INSPECTOR CARTER!
All gasp.
MAX. What on earth?
CHRIS. Poppycock!
DENNIS. You did it because Charles knew about the police money
you were (Checks hand.) embezzling. (Pronounced'bm-bee-zeling.")
CHRIS. Nonsense!
DENNIS. You say you'd met before, that he was a consultant on a
fraud case you were working on.
CHRIS. Whatofit?
DENNIS. Charles found the reason why no arrests had been made
man committing the crime was yourself. You were the
is because the
(Checks hand.) facade. (Pronounced 'fu-cayde." Checks his other
hand.) The perpetrator. You were the perpetrator.
CHRIS. You cant prove it.
MAX. But Charley could and that's why you killed him.
CHRIS. Never!
DENNIS. I know your secret, Inspector. What will you do? Kill me
too?
Chris draws a gun and points it at Dennis.
CHRIS. I will, confound it.
SANDRA and ANNIE. What a devil of a situation this is!
Jonathan enters through the downstairs door, again holding
his gun.

JONATHAN. Not so fast, Inspector!

68
 AII gasp.
ROBERT. Charles!
CHRIS. Haversham!
DENNIS and MAX. Sir!
ANNIE. Charley!I-
SANDRA. (Pushes infront.) Charley! I thought you were dead.
CHRIS. You're alive? It's not possible.
JONATHAN. Oh, I'm afraid it is. You couldnt kill me that easily.
CHRIS. How did you survive?
JONATHAN. I simply didnt drink the poisoned sherry you left
out for me this evening.
ANNIE. Charley-
Sandra stamps on Annie\ foot.
SANDRA. Charley, this is all more than I can bear!
JONATHAN. Ever since we last spoke at the police station it was
clear you thought I was on to you. It was at this point I became
afraid you might try to kill me. For months now I've had my guard
up and tonight you fell into my trap.
DENNIS. Youve been hiding in the grounds ever since this after-
noon when you planted the poison.
MAX. It was you that I saw You were the mysterious figure!
SANDRA and ANNIE. I thought it was strange...
Annie pushes the bookcase, which swivels and swallows
Sandra. Annie then blocks Sandra from coming back in.
ANNIE. I thought it was strange you got here so quickly in such terrible
weather!
Sandra gives up on the bookcase andfalk silent. Annie wanders
over to the window, picking up a tray.
MAX. But what about the handkerchief bearing Florence Colley-
moore's initials?
JONATHAN. Perhaps you should ask Inspector Carter, or should I
say Inspector Frederick Carter.
ALL, F,C.

69
MAX. The same initials.
DENNIS. Precisely, and after committing the crime you found
Charles'will in his ledger and tried to pin the whole thing on me.
Sandra appears through the window.
SANDRA. You damned-
Annie hits Sandra with the tray. Sandra falls out of sight
behind the window.
ANNIE. You damned crafty devil!
JONATHAN. Ctufty indeed. Perkins here is as innocent as I am.
Remove those handcuffs this instant!
ROBERT. Of course, Charles, I have the key.
Robert goes to release Dennis, but he doesn't have the key.
Robert searches his pockets for the key. Dennis remains
handcufed to the chaise longue. Robert and Max try to pull
the handcufs of. Sandra is seen getting up behind the
window and runningto the downstairs door, but Annie gets
therefirst andholds it shut.
JONATHAN. Drop the gun,Inspector.
SANDRA. (Enteringbut Anniepushes the door shut onher.) Ay I mel
ANNIE. Ayme!
CHRIS. Never! I came here to kill you, Charles, and I wont leave
until the job's done.
JONATHAN. It's over, Inspector. I could prove your guilt in a
second. I have the evidence upstairs in the safe in my study. Fetch
the papers, Perkins.
DENNIS. Yes, sir.
Robert, Dennis and Max all look up. Dennis is still hand-
cufed to the chaise longue. Robert and Max quickly lifi the
clock of of the chaise longue and Dennis, Chris and lonathan
carry the chaise longue over towards the fallen study floor so
Dennis can fetch the papers. Robert and Max place the clock
D.S. C.

JONATHAN. Lower your weaPon, Inspector. It's over.

70
CHRIS. What are you going to do, Charles? Shoot me in front of a
room full of witnesses?
JONATHAN. Dont think I wouldnt do it, Carter. You tried to kill
me; I'd merely be returning the favour.
ANNIE. Please, Inspector, you're frightening me!
Sandrals hand is seen trying to reach around the door but
Annie stams it shut. Sandra screAms and then magically
Sandra bursts out of the clock.
SANDRA. Please, Inspector, you're frightening me!
Annie is furious, the others all amazed.
CHRIS. You ought to be frightened!
JONATHAN. Arthur, hold everyone in this room. I'll send a wire
to the local police.
MAX. Yes, sir.

Jonathan hands Max his gun and exits through the down-
stairs door.
ANNIE and SANDRA. You monster! You tried to kill Charles and
you killed Ce...
Annie charges at Sandra, but Sandra moves out of the way
and Annie charges out through the window.
SANDRA. ...and you killed Cecil. How could you?!
Sandra stands back infront of the window, but Annie leans
in and drags her out through it so she lands on her back on
the floor behind. Annie then dives onto Sandra elbow first.
We hear them continuing to fight behind the set.
CHRIS. Alright I admit it, I tried to kill Charles, but I couldn t have
done it without the help of my accomplice.
MAX. Your accomplice?
Robert rushes to the door and tries to get out.
CHRIS. That's right. Thomas Colleymoore!
Robert arrives at the door.
ROBERT. It's true-

7I
 Max turns quickly, and the barrel of the gun flies of, narrowly
missingRobert.
Iti true! I'm the Inspector's accomplice; I helped him move the
money. But dont you think for one second I'm going down for this.
Good God! Charley's locked the door.
The door comes of its hinges i.n Robert\ hand.
We're trapped!
Robert ditches the door ofstage.
CHRIS. Quickly, Colleymoore! Get in the elevator. We can escape
down the east staircase.
MAX. Get away from the elevator you two. Winston, get him, boy!
Max throws the lead at Chris, who screams as if under attack
by Winston.
CHRIS. Down, Winston!
Chris throws the lead out of the window. lonathan bursts in
througfu the upper-level door.
JONATHAN. Now to send that telegra-aaaahh!
lonathanfalls ofthe edge, grabs on to the broken truss and
swings right across the stage, sending Chris, Robert and Mqx
flying like skittles. lonathan lands in front of the downstairs
doorway, trembling.
CHRIS. Quickly, Colleymoore, we can escape through the study.
Dennis slides back down the upper-level Jloor still hand-
cufed to the chaise longue and now carrying the papers.
DENNIS. The papers, sir.
Dennis throws the papers to Jonathan.
JONATHAN. Thank you, Perkins, now fetch my reading glasses
from the library.
DENNIS. Yes, sir.
Dennis carries the chaise out through the door.
ROBERT. Get out of myway, Charles.
Robert runs up the upper level and manages to get into the
study doorway at the top.

72
CHRIS. Push him aside, Colleymoore. Do you want to spend the
rest of your life in jail?
Chris runs up the upper level, grabs Robert\ foot for support
but slides back down to the floor pulling Robert with him.
ROBERT. I will strike you down, Char-ley!
CHRIS. It's useless, Colleymoore, there's no way out.
Sandra runs back in.
SANDRA. Brother, I'm surprised at-
Annie appears in the window with the ledger and hits Sandra
in the stomach and then over the head with it.
ANNIE. Brother, I'm surprised at you. I dont know what youve
become!
Annie jumps in through the window and over Sandra.
ROBERT. (Getting to his feet.) I feel so ashamed. Carter and I found
that between the two of us we could steal money from the police's
sundry accounts easily. Carter had access and I had the facility to
move the money fast and keep it secure, or so I thought until earlier
on this evening...
Robert forgets his line. Trevor emerges from below the collapsed
upper leveL looking badly injured. He staggers towards the
door
Line!
TREVOR. This set's a damn death trap!
Trevor shufrIes of through the door,
ROBERT. This set's a damn death trap!
CHRIS. (Prompts Robert.) As for Cecil!
ROBERT. As for Cecil, that was more a crime of passion, simple as
that.
JONATHAN. Now I hold in my hand a written list of every fraudulent
transaction Thomas Colleymoore and Inspector Carter made.
SANDRA and ANNIE. No this cant be true, I can't belie-
Sandra throws the vase at Annie. Annie ducks and the vase
smashes against the back wall.

/J
SANDRA. I cart'tbelieve it!
JONATHAN. Florence, your sordid affair made me sick. It broke
myheart.
Annie and Sandra both try and get hold of lonathan to
continue the scene, pullinghim to the floor in the process.
SANDRA and ANNIE. Charley! Look at me the way you used to
look at me!
Vamp. Annie and Sandra each trying to shout the line over
the other. Robert and Chrk try to pull them apart, but Annie
takes Robert out with a swift punch to the groin. She goa to
punch Sandra, but Sandra ducks and Annie hits Chris in the
chest, sending him down as well. Dennis reappears in the
doorway, holding Charles' reading glasses.
DENNIS. (Over the shouting.) Your reading glasses, sir!

JONATHAN. (Over the shouting.) Thankyou, Perkins!

Doorbell sounds.
Get the door, Perkins.
DENNIS. Yes, sir!!
Dennis exits, still with the chaise longue in tow.
SANDRA. Charley!
JONATHAN. That will be the police to arrest you both.
Annie grabs Sandra\ ankles and drags her out throug! the
door.
Silence, Florence, you mean nothing to me now
SANDRA. (Managing to stand up.) This is the worst night of my life!
Annie punches Sandra in theface; shefalls out of sight behind
thewindow.
ANNIE. No! This is the worst night of my lift!
MAX. I think this is the worst night of all of our lives.
Annie goes through the door, appears in the window and
stamps on Sandra before ducking out of sight. Max exits.
JONATHAN. But Thomas, Carter had you fooled, didnt he?
ROBERT. What do you mean?

74
JONATIIAN. He never intended to share the money with you! Let
me summarize-
ANNIE. (Through the window.) I love you, Charley! (Ducks down
again.)
JONATHAN. Inspector Carter knew I discovered you and he were
both embezzling police money, so you hatched a plan to kill me,
planting cyanide in my sherry for me / to drink.
Sandra appears, holding Annie back.
SANDRA. I've still got the ring, Charley! We can make it work!
Annie slaps Sandra, who falls out of sight. Annie fetches the
tray and starts hitting Sandra with it behind the window.
IONATHAN. Then mistakenly believing I was dead, Inspector
Carter tried to pin my murder on my brother Cecil and Florence
because of their affair. That is until your accomplice Thomas blun-
dered in and shot my brother Cecil. Carter then tried to pin my
murder on Perkins instead after finding my will in the ledger.
Annie appears, tearing a strip of industrial tape of of a roll.
ANNIE. TAKE ME, CHARLEY! IF YOU KNOW W}IAT'S GOOD
FORYOU!
Sandra stands and headbutts Annie. We hear an almighty
crack, and they both collapse andfall silent behind the window.

JONATHAN. Except what you didnt know, Thomas, was that

Inspector Carter made a nine-thousand-pound withdrawal from
your private accounts this morning and after framing someone for
my murder he intended to flee with a one-way ticket to Dover,
taking every penny with him! I think it's time to have a look inside
your attachd case, Inspector, where we shall find...
lonathan throws the case to Robert, who opens it and produces
a small greenbottle,
The bottle of cyanide.
Robert produces a bundle ofbanknotes.
Thomas Colleymoore's nine thousand pounds.
ROBERT. And of cours€, your one-way ticket to-
Robert produces a Duran Duran CD box setfrom the attachi

75
 case. Robert angrily turns to Trevor, who has reappeared in
his tech box.
Duran Duran!!.
JONATHAN. He allowed you to take all the risk by storing the
stolen money in your private accounts. Isnt that right, Inspector?
CHRIS. Alright, it's-
Annie triumphantly makes it back onstage and poses.

Alright, it's-
Sandra appears in the window tied up with tape.
Alright, it's true! I forged your signature at the bank and took out
every penny. I had intended to flee after I'd managed to frame
someone for the murder. I hadnt bargained on your accountant
catching on this quickly and telephoning you so soon.
Robert runs at Chris, seizes his gun and points it at him'
ROBERT. You rogue! I trusted you, Carter. lbu made a mistake there
and I'm afraid its your last.
CHRIS. No!
Robert fires the gun. It doesn't fire. Robert tries the gun again,
nothing.
BANG!
Chris fatls to the floor. Robert lowers the gun to his side, where
it explodes loudly, hurtinghis hand.
ROBERT. ARGH!!
DENNIS. The officers are waiting in the hall, si-
Dennis enters through the downstairs door, knocking over
the whole door flat with the chaise longue. Robert moves
back, colliding with the fireplace flat, sending that over as
well. The s. t. flatfalk, and Chris just manages to roll out of
the way. Lastly the window flat falls down as well, leaving
Annie standing in the window frame and revealing Max
standing on a small stepladder holding a bucket of snow'
Silence. Stillness. Max throws a handful of snow.

* Ifmusic by a difierent band is used on pages 45 and 78, change the cD box set prop and the line
'Duran Duran! !" appropriate$

76
JONATHAN. Excellent. Perkins, if you could please escort Miss
Colleymoore downstairs. I wish to have a word with Thomas in
private.
DENNIS. Yes, sir.
Dennis and Annie stay, trapped in by the fallen flats. Chris
stares blankly at the devastation.
JONATFIAN. (Whispers to Chris.) You're dead.
Chris remembers where lte is, lets out a thin cry and drops
down dead.
(To Annie. ) Downstairs, Florence, downstairs.
Annie and Dennis pretend to walk downstairs on the spot
where they are standing.
Thomas! You're not the man I knew at Eton, youVe become greedy
and jealous.
ROBERT. (kaumatised.) I'm sorry, Charles, my nerves are in shreds.
JONATHAN. There's a glass of sherry by the telephone.
ROBERT. Thank you, Charles. Ever the kind host.
JONATHAN. Drink it up.
ROBERT. Mostkind.
Robert drinks the sherry.
JONATHAN. Tell me, Thomas, one last thing.
ROBERT. Anything, Charles. I'll tell no more lies.
JONATHAN. The glass of poisoned sherry the Inspector left out
for me; what do you suppose I did with it?
ROBERT. Well, I dont...know. What do you mean? You don't
mean you gave me... Charley? Charley, not. (Forgets his line.) Linel
TREVOR. (From the tech box.) Just die already!
ROBERT. |ust die alread-how dare you!
Robert dies. A large, flamboyant death that takes him quite
a wal away from the table. Iust as he is almost finished,
Robert realises he is still holding the empty sherry glass and
groans and crawls back in the other direction so he can put
it down on the table. He places down the glass and drops

77
 down dead. Max throws a handful of snow. Ionathan moves
centre. The ligh* fade and a spot comes up on lonathan.

JONATHAN. Oh how I wish this could have ended differently.

Thomas, your lies and deceits have led you inexorably to this end.
If men allow their conscience to be governed by avarice then death
and destruction shall prevail. Betrayed by my brother-
A short burst of an English new w&ve songlike "Rio" by Duran
Duranplays.-
TREVOR. (Back inhis box.) Oh come on!
Trevor hits a button on his computer and the correct dramatic
clasi.ngm.usic plays.

JONATHAN. Cuckolded by my fianc6e and almost murdered by

my oldest friend. Let us hope we never again see...a murder at
Haversham Manor.
The chandelier hanging above the space suddenly sparlcs
and crashes down onto lonathan. The lights black out just
before it hits him.

End of Play

* See Note on Songs/Recordings at the back ofthis volume.

78
 PROPERTYTIST
(Use this space to create props lists for your production)

79
 SOUND EFFECTS
(Use this space to create sound efects lists for your production)

80
Dear reader,

Thank you for supporting playwrights by purchasing this acting

edition! You may not know that Dramatists Play Service was
founded, in 1936, by the Dramatists Guild and a number of
prominent play agents to protect the rights and interests of play-
wrights. To this day, we are still a small company committed to
our partnership with the Guild, and by proxy all playwrights,
established and aspiring, working in the English language.

Because of our status as a small, independent publisher, we respect-

fully reiterate that this text may not be distributed or copied in any
way, or uploaded to anyfile-sharing sites, including ones you might
think are private. Photocopying or electronically distributing
books means both DPS and the playwright are not paid for the
work, and that ultimately hurts playwrights everywhere, as our
profits are shared with the Guild.

We also hope you want to perform this play! Plays are wonderful to
read, but even better when seen. If you are interested in performing
or producing the play, please be aware that performance rights
must be obtained through Dramatists Play Service. This is true for
any public performance, even if no one is getting paid or admission
is not being charged. Again, playwrights often make their sole living
from perforrnance royalties, so performing plays without paylng
the royalty is ultimately a loss for a real writer.

This acting edition is the only approved text for performance.

There may be other editions of the play available for sale from
other publishers, but DPS has worked closely with the playwright
to ensure this published text reflects their desired text ofall future
productions. If you have purchased a revised edition (sometimes
referred to as other types of editions, like "Broadway Editionj' or
"[Year] Edition'), that is the only edition you may use for perfor-
mance, unless explicitly stated in writing by Dramatists Play Service.

Finally, this script cannot be changed without written permission

from Dramatists PIay Service. If a production intends to change the

81
script in any way-including casting against the writer's intentions
for characters, removing or changing "bad'words, or making other
cuts however small-without permission, they are breaking the law.
And, perhaps more importantly, changing an artist's work. Please
dont do that!

We are thrilled that this play has made it into your hands. We hope
you love it as much as we do, and thankyou for helping us keep the
American theater alive and vital.

82
Note on Songs/Recordings, Images, or Other Production
Design Elements

Be advised that Dramatists Play Service, Inc., neither holds the

rights to nor grants permission to use any songs, recordings,
images, or other design elements mentioned in the play. It is
the responsibility of the producing theater/organization to
obtain permission of the copyright owner(s) for any such use.
Additional royalty fees may apply for the right to use copy-
righted materials.

For any songs/recordings, images, or other design elements

mentioned in the play, works in the public domain may be
substituted. It is the producing theater/organization's respon-
sibility to ensure the substituted work is indeed in the public
domain. Dramatists Play Service, Inc., cannot advise as to
whether or not a song/arrangement/recording, image, or other
design element is in the public domain.

83
 Additional Copyright Information

of
The right to recreate the West End and Broadwayproductions
THE PLAY TFIAT GOES WRONG and/or to promote a
production on the basis that it is a version of those productions
is expressly reserved to the owners of the copyright and
trademark-protected contributions to those productions and
their advertising, specffically:
Directions @ 2013 Mark Bell & Mischief Theatre Ltd.
Set Design @ 2013 Nigel Hook
Lighting Design A 2013 Ric Mountjoy
Costume Design @ 20L3 Roberto Surace
Sound Design @ 2013 Andy fohnson
Original Compositions @ 2013 Rob Falconer
THEPLAYTHAT GOES
WRoN6
Falling G Logo rM " @ 2013 Mischief Worldwide Ltd.
and any incorporation of material elements of such contributions
in a production given under a Dramatists Play Service licence
and without a separate licence to incorporate such contributions
is a breach ofthis licence and ofcopyright law

Advertising and promotion of a production given under this

licence in a way which suggests to the public a connection with
or that the production concerned is a version of the West End
and/or Broadway production by incorporating the Falling G
Logo or other material elements of those productions'publicity
which may reasonably be expected to create this suggestion in
the public mind is a breach of trade mark and/or other applicable
law.

All such breaches are strictly forbidden.

If in doubt as to whether what you intend to do may be a breach

ofthe above provisions, you must contact the Play Service before
disseminating the doubtful matters to the public in advertising
or production.

84
Notice to Professional Licensees Interested in Presenting a
Version of the Tony" Award=winning Broadwayand West End
Production of the Play

Without preludice to the above notice, the above rights and digital
and physical resources to realise the contributions ire availabli on
a basis to suit a wide variety of production capabilities of
professional licensees of the Play upon application to Mischief
Worldwide Ltd. at www.mischiefi,vorldwide.com.

85
 NOTES
(IJse this space to make notes for your production)
 NOTES
(Use this space to make notes for your production)
 NOTES
(Use this space to make notes for your production)