What went well during the writing of this draft I did not have a lot of trouble

thinking about what I wanted to write about, which was my literacy in being
independent. I used several specific examples but I am not sure if its too dragged
on.
What was challenging about the writing of this draft I am having a lot of
trouble on elaborating my reflection. Also, I am not sure if this fits the genre
expectations of a memoir. Commented [AR1]: Okay. I will keep this in mind as I
read and make suggestions.
One passage/paragraph/aspect you know you want to keep I want to keep the
idea of being independent.
One passage/paragraph/aspect you might want to revise I covered two events
in my life that helped with my literacy in independence, but Im not sure if that
covers too long of a span of time.
One question you have about this draft for me How can I elaborate more on
my aspect on my literacy in independence, what should I include/emphasize
more?
Shou-Wen Pai

Professor Agosta

UWRT 1101-006

4 February 2017

Literacy Memoir Commented [AR2]: As you revise, work toward a

unique title to your piece.

I get off the school bus and begin walking toward my house. In my head I am already

planning on all the things I need to do if I want to get 5 hours of sleep tonight. I walk into my

house and nobody is home -- not that I expected anyone to be home. As I continue doing the

dishes I had not had time to finish from earlier that morning, I begin to plan my schedule for

the rest of my day Commented [AR3]: Did you mean for this to be a
different font color?
Moving to a new country and being forced to learn a new language as a 15 year old is It seems that this story is meant to not be super
obvious. Its supposed to give an impression rather
already a moderately difficult task. But when your parents are forced to leave you alone in than give a lot of information. What I get: - person
seems to be busy/have to prioritize.

this unfamiliar place alone for a year at the age of 16, this challenge becomes similar to the Im not sure that its currently written with enough
unique details to help me make sense of this scene.
What I mean by that is that just about anyone could
one presented in the movie Mission Impossible. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on experience this scene here, so Im not sure it helps me
understand the person in the scene. It definitely could
how you choose to look at it, this was not the very first time I had been forced to grow up be revised to do so why did you tell this particular
scene? What did you want to show?

quickly in a very small amount time. Commented [AR4]: Deleting alone because you
already said it earlier in the sentence. You could also
delete the other one in the sentence if you prefer this
After I finished primary school in Taiwan, my family sent me to a boarding school in placement.
Commented [AR5]: This makes me wonder how alone
Hong Kong so I could continue my studies. A completely new language, new country, and you were. Like absolutely living by yourself or dropped
into the care of people you dont know or something
else?
new culture were thrown at me, and I knew nobody to take on the challenge with. I moved
Commented [AR6]: Okay good you are setting us up
to transition to another time when you are having to
into the dorm of my boarding school young, scared, and alone. I remember vividly the very grow up fast. Im going to keep reading and see how I
feel as a reader about the shift of topics. Right now you
first night I slept in the top bunk of the twin sized bunk bed., the The unfamiliarity of it all have a scene, a subject about a new country, and then
a switch to a third topic.

caused tears to begin streaming down my face. The tears were composed entirely of fear as I Commented [AR7]: Is this at 15 years old or earlier?
Primary school makes me think that you are around 10-
12, but Im not sure.
went from being completely dependent on my parents to what I saw as absolute
Commented [AR8R7]: Having read further, I
recommend putting in the age you left for Hong Kong.
independence. It was at that moment right then that I realized I had to grow up.
 The schedule given to us was very strict and rigorous. We woke up at 6 a.m., got

ready in time for breakfast at 6:30, and then we attended a variety of classes until 4:30. For

school athlete team members like me, practice began directly after school ended, while

everyone else had mandatory library study hours. Dinner was at 6:30 p.m. and then another 2

hours of study in the library began shortly after. 9:00 - 10:00 was our only free time. because

lights out was promptly at 10:30.

Even though it was an extremely strict schedule, the schedule was what I found most Commented [AR9]: Right- provided guidance in a new
place
easy. The difficult part came with the facte that I could not communicate with other students,

so I could not make connections, and I couldnt even go to my parents for help. I was forced

to learn a new language and to adapt to a new environment in very short period of time. I Commented [AR10]: I think this is a place you can
expand more perhaps share a scene/story of inability
to communicate did this affect you mostly in classes
started to gain a relatively strong grasp of Cantonese after about 3 months or so -- I could not or also in your sport? Was it easier to understand in the
sport because you knew the rules of the game? How
speak fluently but I could read and understand it at that point, so I made a few friends and did this impact teamwork or your relationships with
teammates?

built some connections. It was not until this point that I began to be able to breathe in my new You could also share a store/scene/description of when
things started catching on. When did you recognize
that you were able to breathe in your new home?
home, and I realized I had conquered the fear. How could you tell? We need more specific details to
your experience here.
There are times that I am surprised by how much it sets me apart from other students - Commented [AR11]: Now, as an adult college
student? Perhaps you can show that you are thinking
- having lived on my own. For instance, I remember one day my classmates, first day of about this from an older viewpoint.

class, asked me how to make ramen. To be honest, I was more baffled than he was. Not by

the simple fact that he did not know how to make ramen, but how a person at top of the class,

who had the entire periodic table, properties and all, memorized as a 13 year old, yet they

couldnt take it upon themselves to teach themselves to make ramen noodles. I told him all he

needs to do is add boiling water, and then I kindly pointed out that the instructions were, in Commented [AR12]: This is a common complaint
about yours and my generation that we dont seek
out how to do something on our own, and instead we
fact, on the back of the box. rely on the work of others.

Approximately 18 months after moving to America, my father was diagnosed with So this story here about the ramen is short but
illustrative. Id recommend adding more stories like this
to show growing independence at your school
stage 3 liver cancer. Because of the universal health care offered in my home country, feelings of being alone earlier on.
Commented [AR13]: I think it would be helpful to have
Taiwan, my parents returned so my father could receive treatment for an affordable cost. more time markers about your moves. What age did
you move here? This will help us keep oriented with
your growing literacy.
Because I was halfway through high school in America, I was left alone to finish out my Commented [AR14]: Ah, okayso we see the
connection back to the beginning paragraph.
studies. Second time around I did not have the luxury to cry and mope and feel sorry for

myself. I did not have the luxury to panic or worry about my father. Right away my Commented [AR15]: Very powerful paragraph.

responsibility became to maintain - to maintain my grades, my house, and my health. There

are were no maids, no helpers, : just me, myself and I.

It was a very instantaneous, quick realization that unlike last time in Hong Kong, this

time I really did need to grow up and become an independent, self-sustained man. This did

not just mean keeping up with my grades and my rigorous schedule and making friends like it Commented [AR16]: Right because there, even
though you were alone and couldnt communicate,
there was a lot of structure in place.
did in Hong Kong. This time around I needed to maintain the house, cook for myself, clean

for myself and keep up my studies, which was already difficult for me since I was still

struggling with grasping the knowledge of English. The hardest part of all of this was

disciplining myself to keep up.

The first few months was extremely difficult for me. I found myself struggling to

keep up with my schoolwork with all of my added responsibilities. The thing I struggled the

most with was how to cook. The groceries were bought by family friends -- I could make a

list of materials I would need, and my parents would pay family friends to pick them up and

bring them over to the house. The problem was how to use these material and cook healthy

meals for myself 3 times a day, everyday. I could make simple things like eggs and rice, but I

struggled on how to combine ingredients to make a meal that could sustain my growth and

well being that actually tasted edible.

The very first time I tried to make fried rice, I spilled half a dozen eggs and I

overcooked the meat. I realized cooking could not be done simply by reading a recipe or

following my mothers direction through skypeSkype. It required experience and practice.

Lots and lots of practice. Once I realized that, as time went on my cooking got better and

better and to this day I still enjoy it.

 There were tremendous amounts of responsibilities lying on my shoulders when my

parents left me in America my junior year, and I solved it by using the idea from when I had

a strict schedule in Hong Kong when I lived in the dorm. I created a schedule everyday

according to all the specific chores I needed to do, and I set a specific limit on how much

time I could spend on it in order for me to still have time to do homework and study. Between

30 and 35 minutes of cooking time, between 10 and 15 minutes of time to wash the dishes.

Between 10 and 15 minutes of showering time. The list goes on and on. When my alarm goes

off in the morning, there are no more 60 snoozes before I actually wake up by my mom like Commented [AR17]: This is making me think that
perhaps in the first narrative, we could see you
mentally going through that checklist with activities that
there is for most of my peers. I also had to organize everything very neat and well, because I are very much so assumed to be the parents
responsibilities. This would help bring in this image. I
did not have my mom to ask for every time I couldnt find something. think these paragraphs here do a great job of
explaining new responsibilities and how you handled
them..
It was an extremely difficult time for me, but by the end of the year I spent alone I
I do wonder about sponsors you mention that you
took structure from your boarding school and applied it
was a more self-sufficient and responsible man. I learned more that year about independence to your life now. You also reference your mothers
recipes, etc. Did you consult other things?
and sacrifice and time management than many of my peers ever will, and for that I am
For instance, when I got an apartment, I started
watching youtube videos about how to install certain
grateful. things, cook, build stuff, etc. Did you have any friends
over or things that allowed you to still be a kid?

How did you feel about this? Because your parents left
for such an important reason, Im sure that influenced
how you felt about being alone and taking on this
mission impossible.

Also, back to that mission impossible thing it sounds

so far that you are handling this really wellwere there
any things you failed at through trial-and-error that you
had to learn through?
Commented [AR18]: How do you think this will impact
your future? Did it change anything when your parents
came back?

Id like to see you concluded with a more developed

conclusion of what this literacy meant for you then,
now, and possibly in the future.

Overall, you have a great, flowing writing style. I tried to

show areas of information that I would like or that
would help me keep track of your story. I recommend
revising your intro and make your two stories more
complex, which you knew you needed some feedback
on.

I look forward to reading your final piece. Let me know

if you have additional questions.