Get your website's performance roasted by 26 legendary personas — Elon Musk, Trump, Hemingway, Dostoevsky, MrBeast, Taylor Swift, and more.
npx speed-roast example.com
npx speed-roast example.com --persona trump
npx speed-roast example.com --persona dostoevsky
Zero dependencies. Zero config. Zero cost.
| # |
Metric |
What it measures |
| 1 |
TTFB |
Time to First Byte |
| 2 |
Total Load Time |
Full page download |
| 3 |
HTML Size |
Page weight in KB |
| 4 |
Compression |
gzip/brotli enabled? |
| 5 |
Cache Headers |
Cache-Control present? |
| 6 |
Total Scripts |
<script> tag count |
| 7 |
Inline Scripts |
Non-cacheable inline JS |
| 8 |
Third-party Scripts |
External domain scripts |
| 9 |
Stylesheets |
Render-blocking CSS files |
| 10 |
Redirects |
Redirect chain length |
| 11 |
Resource Hints |
preload/preconnect/prefetch |
| 12 |
Images |
Image count |
| Persona |
Flag |
| Ernest Hemingway |
--persona hemingway |
| Marcel Proust |
--persona proust |
| George Orwell |
--persona orwell |
| J.R.R. Tolkien |
--persona tolkien |
| Vladimir Nabokov |
--persona nabokov |
| Agatha Christie |
--persona christie |
| Mikhail Bulgakov |
--persona bulgakov |
| Fyodor Dostoevsky |
--persona dostoevsky |
| Strugatsky Brothers |
--persona strugatsky |
| Ray Bradbury |
--persona bradbury |
| Persona |
Flag |
| Elon Musk |
--persona musk |
| Sam Altman |
--persona altman |
| Steve Jobs |
--persona jobs |
| Jeff Bezos |
--persona bezos |
| Persona |
Flag |
| Donald Trump |
--persona trump |
| Persona |
Flag |
| Quentin Tarantino |
--persona tarantino |
| Christopher Nolan |
--persona nolan |
| Ryan Reynolds |
--persona reynolds |
| Keanu Reeves |
--persona keanu |
| Persona |
Flag |
| MrBeast |
--persona mrbeast |
| Taylor Swift |
--persona swift |
| Kanye West |
--persona kanye |
| Zendaya |
--persona zendaya |
| Timothee Chalamet |
--persona chalamet |
| Billie Eilish |
--persona billie |
-p, --persona <id> Choose persona (default: random)
-l, --list List all available personas
-h, --help Show help
# Random persona
npx speed-roast competitor.com
# Specific persona
npx speed-roast mysite.com --persona tolkien
# List all personas
npx speed-roast --list
- Fetches your page with timing measurements
- Analyzes 12 performance signals (TTFB, compression, caching, scripts, etc.)
- Generates a roast in the selected persona's voice
- Gives you a score from F to A
No API keys. No LLM calls. Everything runs locally with zero dependencies.
- seo-roast — SEO audit with the same 26 personas
MIT - Citedy