Snapshots #406: Songs About Weapons

Yesterday, we had Britney SPEARS at the top of the page... today, it's Bruce Lee, whose whole body was a weapon.

And here are 15 more weapons for Your Arsenal...

15. Packed.

The missing faces belong to The Jam.

The Jam - The Eton Rifles 

Or...

The Jam - A Bomb In Wardour Street

14. Go on, go on, voice of Russia.

Sigue means go on. Sputnik was the voice of Russia.

Sigue Sigue Sputnik - Love Missile F1-11

13. Pop art from Indiana (Robert).

This is Robert Indiana's LOVE sculpture...

Love Sculpture - Sabre Dance

12. Enjoy heavy metal in the café with a Friendly waiter.

Gunther was the waiter in the Friends café... not the Hard Rock Café.

Hardrock Gunter - Rifle, Belt and Bayonet

11. Barry Judd in negative.

Barry Judd was the character in Hi Fidelity played by Jack Black. In negative, he would be...

Jack White - Blunderbuss

10. Did you know that Henry VIII wanted to form an Eastern European football team, but he didn't have quite enough players?

If you have to explain the joke, it stops being funny...

Ten Pole Tudor - Swords Of A Thousand Men

9. Ian thought he was sweet.

Ian Dury sang about Sweet Gene Vincent.

Gene Vincent - Pistol Packin' Mama

8. Italian brothers.

Fratelli is brother in Italian...

The Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger

7. Myanmar Tower of Strength.

Tower of Strength was a song by The Mission. Myanmar is Burma.

Mission of Burma - That's When I Reach for My Revolver

6. Oh, Tony, tax is such a mess, isn't it?

"Oh, Tony, tax" was an anagram.

Hoyt Axton - Torpedo

5. Paddy's Omen.

Paddy fields produce rice. Damien was in The Omen.

Damien Rice - Cannonball

4. You can't beat these nuns.

The Rhythm Sisters - Pocket Hand Grenade

3. Marvin gets jumpy.

Lee Marvin, that is.

Leapy Lee - Little Arrows

2. Stretch and massage...

Ways to relieve the cramps...

The Cramps - Bikini Girls With Machine Guns

1. He'll happily adjust any dam bras you give him.

"Any dam bras" was an anagram too.

Bryan Adams - Cuts Like A Knife

A much less threatening edition of Snapshots next Saturday...

Saturday Snapshots #11 - The Answers

And we're back with answers...


10. Turner & The Equalisers: not too popular on the wireless.

(Insert "nice buns" gag if you so wish.)

Kathleen Turner + Edward (Equaliser) Woodward = Kathleen Edwards (she gave up music... hopefully not forever... to open a coffee shop).

Kathleen Edwards - One More Song The Radio Won't Like

9. Catch these guys for a little drink with the king of the gods.

Jupiter was the king of the gods.

A little drink is a drop.

What can you catch?

Train - Drops Of Jupiter

(Yes, I know Train are really uncool. When has that ever stopped me? And doesn't the lead singer look like the California version of David Gedge?)

8. Age brings about angina for these visionary majors.

Visionary = eyes

Majors = Lee

One of the greatest songs ever recorded. With the best drum intro. Well done to Lynchie for remembering the brackets.

The Isley Brothers - This Old Heart Of Mine (Is Weak For You)

Deduct 10 points from your score if you're thinking about the Rod Stewart version.

7. Every X-Factor contestant wants to be one - most are unlucky.

Every X-Factor contestant wants to be a Big Star.

13 is very unlucky.

Well done, Swede.

Big Star - Thirteen

6. Ginger's fella takes over the world, gets dazzled by Bruce's torch.

Ginger's fella was Fred. 

A fella is also a man.

The world is planet Earth.

Bruce wrote the song. His version is better, obviously.

Another point for Lynchie.

Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Blinded by the Light 

 

5. Redknapp for Division One, people!

Division One is a League (even I know that, and I know nothing about football).

People are human (well, some of them).

This is the Redknapp (formerly Nurding) I was referring to...

(You've no idea how long it took me to find a picture of her where she wasn't just in her underwear. About as long as it took me to find a picture of The Human League where Phil Oakey wasn't instantly recognisable.)

Joint effort from Lynchie & Alyson.

The Human League - Louise

4. Often found in California and Victorian London: antiquated lizards.

California and Victorian London both had problems with Smog.

Lizards are cold-blooded.

Antiquated refers to the old times.

The Swede & Charity Chic tag-teamed this one.

Smog - Cold-Blooded Old Times

3. The desperate enemy of ladies hits ice. Not as short as you think!

Desperate Dan

Enemy = Foe

Lady = Girl (or Gel)

Ice = Berg

Not as short as you think?

Lynchie really didn't want to admit to knowing this one,,, but he couldn't resist nudging C towards the answer.

Don't blame me if listening to this song sends you into a diabetic coma. However, it reminds me of an extremely foolish, if not entirely regretted, dalliance when I was young and very, very stupid...

Dan Fogelberg - Longer

2. Tom's hairpiece prefers to walk home.

Tom Courtenay's hairpiece would be his Barnett.

Too easy a pic if you know the artist, but I'm a sucker for stars holding cameras.

Well done, Swede and Chris.

Courtney Barnett - Pedestrian At Best

1. Gizmo's dad plays cards with Kalamazoo.

Hoyt Axton was the dad in Gremlins.

The cat was called Kalamazoo.

If that cat could take, what a tale he'd tell...

I think we can all agree, Lynchie is this week's winner. Though he does get up very early on a Saturday...

Back next week, breakdown permitting.

My Top Ten Terry Wogan Songs

That's another one gone then.

I grew up listening to Terry Wogan. He was a warm and friendly voice on the radio; he often made me laugh, sometimes till I cried; and like all the best DJs, he introduced me to some great records. Here's ten that will always remind me of old Tel...


10. Franz Ferdinand - The Dark of the Matinee

The only pop song I know that mentions Terry by name, and that's what drew my attention to Franz Ferdinand in the first place. It's about a band starting out and dreaming of a better future - including an interview on Wogan.

So I'm on BBC2 now, telling Terry Wogan how I made it
What I made is unclear now, but his deference is and his laughter is
My words and smile are so easy now
Yes, It's easy now
Yes, It's easy now

It's a curious, dreamlike interlude in the song which doesn't quite fit with the rest, but that's what makes it great. It certainly helped lift Franz Ferdinand a step above other turn-of-the-century guitar bands like the Libertines, though I'm not sure they ever did anything so self-consciously odd again. 

9. Ray Moore - O' My Father Had A Rabbit

I resisted including The Floral Dance or any of Terry's own musical recordings (although he did have a damned fine voice and if you can track down his duet with Cerys Matthews on Que Sera Sera, recorded for Children In Need a few years back, you'll be amazed), but I couldn't resist this. For many years, Ray Moore presented the show before Terry on Radio 2. Moore was a quiet, very well spoken gentleman representative of the old school BBC, with a wickedly subversive sense of humour (much like Tel himself). Somehow, Moore's jokey charity record based on a rhyme from his Liverpudlian childhood reached #24 in the charts in 1986. Sadly, he died of cancer in 1989, but not before being reunited with his old radio sparring partner one last time... 

8. Billie Jo Spears - What I've Got In Mind

When I posted my initial reaction to Terry's death with the video for my #2 song, saying how it always reminded me of Terry, my old pal Sally responded immediately that she agreed... and then mentioned Billie Jo Spears. A few weeks back, I picked up a Billie Jo CD in the local charity shop and was surprised by how many of them I remembered... from a long, long time ago. My misspent youth: listening to Terry Wogan on the wireless.

7. Glen Campbell - Rhinestone Cowboy

Any excuse to play some Glen (and Jimmy Webb). I thought about crowbarring the Greatest Record Ever Recorded in here again, but it's Rhinestone Cowboy, not Wichita Lineman, that reminds me more of Terry.

I guess I can trace my love of country music to Sir Terence. While rock and indie and alt-everything else came later, Radio 2 was the station I listened to as a small child, and Terry introduced me to many of my favourite country singers. 

6. Clifford T. Ward - Home Thoughts From Abroad

Apparently, the album this comes from was Terry's all-time favourite 33 1/3. I didn't know that till compiling this post, but I did know the song... thanks to Tel.

Clifford T. Ward slips into the Nick Drake category - a heartbreaking singer-songwriter too shy and retiring to play the fame game. One listen to this song will tell you he could have been massive... if he'd had the confidence.

Couldn't we all...

5. Peter Gabriel - That'll Do

Written by Randy Newman, who only does film scores these days, this was the theme to the second Babe film, Pig In The City. Getting Peter Gabriel to record it along with Paddy Moloney of the Chieftains and the Black Dyke Mills brass band lifted it beyond the schmaltz of its roots, turning it into something really quite moving. When Terry appeared on Desert Island Discs, he chose this as the favourite of all his selections.

4. Harry Nilsson - Without You

The record that was at Number One in March 1972, the month I was born. A couple of weeks later, Terry Wogan took over the Radio 2 breakfast show and became the most recognisable radio voice of my childhood. And he played this song a lot...

3. Charlie Dore - Pilot of the Airwaves

I've been listening to your show on the radio
And you seem like a friend to me...

Says it all, really.

2. Harry Chapin - W.O.L.D.

Another favourite of Tel's, for obvious reasons as it's about a morning radio jock who's feeling his age. There's a radio edit of the song that ends a little happier than the album version, but I'm sure Terry used to play the original, sadder version. (I might be wrong: my memory makes its own rules.) Hearing this song on Terry's show when I was a kid introduced me to the late great Harry Chapin and I've been a fan ever since. 

1. Hoyt Axton - Della & The Dealer

I've been wanting to feature this song here for a while. It's a longtime favourite of mine and I know for certain it was Terry who introduced me to it. I've never heard anyone else play it on the radio, and I'm not sure I'd have heard of Hoyt Axton (beyond his most famous role as Zach Galligan's dad in Gremlins) otherwise. It was the first song that came to mind when I heard about Terry's death, so it makes Number One today...

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word...

Good night, Terry. Dallas wouldn't have been the same without you...

My Top Ten Cow Songs

Last week, my dad sold his cows. Although being a farmer was never his main form of income (he was a joiner first, then a car auctioneer, then a joiner again), he'd kept cows as a sideline / hobby for over 60 years. But at 84, he's finally had to face up to the fact that he can't be out there chucking hay bales around or chasing the bloody things down the road when they break through the fence... so they've gone off to live out their days on another farm. There were only seven left at the end, but it was sad to see them go. I have to admit, I still choke up when I think about him calling them in for the last time. (He'd had those cows so long, they came when he called.)

Growing old really is rubbish, you just say goodbye to one thing after another.


10. Tanita Tikaram - Poor Cow

Tanita's lyrics always suggested interesting stories, but left the listener to fill in the gaps. This one has a dark sting in its tail though.

9. Sonic Youth - Bull In The Heather

Actually, this one is about a racehorse. But we'll ignore that because it's Kim Gordon and the video is... nice.

8. Hoyt Axton - Wild Bull Rider

As well as being a big-hearted country singer who always brings a smile to my face, Hoyt Axton was also the dad in Gremlins. What else do you want from him?

7. The Hold Steady - Cattle & The Creeping Things

Craig Finn is an excellent storyteller. This is like listening in on a bar room conversation... an interesting one.

She said I was seeing double for three straight days after I got born again
It felt strange but it was nice and peaceful
It really pleased me to be around so many people
Of course half of them visions
Half of them were friends from going through the program with me
Later on we did some sexy things
Took a couple photographs and carved them into wood reliefs
Hey, but that's enough about me
Tell me how you got down here into Ybor City

6. Steely Dan - Black Cow

It's a root beer float, apparently. Classic Dan, from Aja.

5. Morrissey - The Bullfighter Dies

The shortest song on the new Moz album will surprise no one with its exultation of "hooray hooray" as the bullfighter dies. With cheery mariachi horns and cheesy Spanish puns, it's a more enjoyable listen than Mozzer's more famous cow song, Meat Is Murder, which I always felt went a little too far (and way too long) with its hectoring soapboxing. (Sacrilege, I know.) Besides, the cows win in this one.

4. Aerosmith - Milk Cow Blues

Originally recorded by Sleepy John Estes in 1930, this has been covered by everyone from Robert Johnson to Elvis, Eddie Cochran to Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen. The Kinks adapted the song quite a bit and it's their version that Aerosmith pay homage to here.

Leave this song in Elvis Costello's fridge too long and this is what you get: Sour Milk Cow Blues.

3. Prefab Sprout - Golden Calf

Blissful romanticism, as always, from Mr. McAloon.

Once upon a time I stalked the

Streets on raining evenings when the
Distant sea blended with the sky
My mouth was full of cigarettes
My hair is full of long-term bets
But you would always make me see the day

2. The Go-Betweens - Cattle & Cane

My favourite Go-Betweens track. Great guitar work and very evocative lyrics.

1. The Wonder Stuff - The Size Of A Cow

I always thought Miles Hunt sang "I'm gonna halve my problems to the size of a cow"... and that this was a positive song. Turns out it's a much more depressing: "I'm building up my problems to the size of a cow". Damn, blast!




Those were my sacred cows... which one moooooves you?

My Top Ten Loser Songs

 The Top Ten in which Every Loser Wins...

(Check out #3 if you don't believe me.)


10. Rod Stewart - Three Time Loser

The scary story of Rod's sex life before he became famous...

9. Fatima Mansions - Only Losers Take the Bus

I'm no loser, I'm a letch!

8. George Jones - The World's Worst Loser

Whenever you think your life's shitty... put on some George Jones.

7. Suede - Beautiful Loser

Suede have a new album out... and it's much better than the one this comes from. Still, some great putdowns here...

You belong among the wild flowers
picked at the side of the road,
You belong among the silent hours
and broken telephones,
You belong among the TV screens
with sound turned down again,
You belong where there's CCTV
watching you every day,

See also Beautiful Losers by Ocean Colour Scene. Also pretty damned good.

6. Dick Curless - Loser's Cocktail

...direct from the bartender at the Loser's Lounge. My guess is Hoyt Axton wouldn't be allowed in that bar, since Boozers Are Losers (When Benders Don't End).

5. The Dears - You and I Are a Gang of Losers

You and I are on the outside
Of all of almost everything

Don't we all feel like that sometimes?

4. Son of Dork - Ticket Outta Loserville

What do you get when you cross Busted! with Blink 182?

Pinch me, is this real?
I'm on a one way ticket out of Loserville
Now I'm off the social flat line
Things are so good that I'm
Taking down my Star Trek shrine

Much better than you'd expect.

3. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Even The Losers

Baby even the losers
Get lucky sometimes...

A sentiment shared by Nick 'Wicksy' Berry on his seminal 80s Number One... but honestly, what do you take me for? There's no place for that here. I have to draw the line somewhere.

2. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess

And I'll keep finding a way to shoehorn this into Top Tens until you've all bought a copy.

Ernie Shackleton retreated
Close to the Pole
He didn’t want men dying
To achieve his goal
But did he get a gob on?
No he gave a little grin
Heed this Dennis Bell
When you next sign in
Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess!

1. Beck - Loser

In the time of chimpanzees, Beck was a monkey. If you don't like it... why don't you kill him?




Those were my losers... which is your winner?