The Item

First thing i have to say: this is the worst movie in movie history. I rented this movie based on the cover alone. I'd honestly say the cover art may have cost two times as much as the entire video. I hate putting Independent movies down but this had to be said. I could honestly make a movie with my camera and friends in two days three to make a story line and it would be better than this. This is by far the worst movie I've ever seen. And I am 99% positive it really cannot get any worse. plain and simple the worst movie ever to be thought of or made.

Although I say this movie should be rented so you can experience first hand the worst movie ever. It truly shows how bad a movie can get. On a good note the movie is actually so bad that your interested in staying and watching it to see how much worse it can really get and it provides a good source of comedy (that wasn't intended). If this directors goal was to make the worst movie ever he succeeded in every way possible.

I rented this movie because the back of the box sounded awesome and I love horror flicks. Little did I know I was renting one of the cheesiest movies of all time. This one goes right up on my list. I don't mean cheesy as in "funny B movie" and worth watching...I mean cheesy like I wish I didn't waste my time and the $1.99+tax to rent it. I would have had a better time trying to count the blades of grass on my lawn. It had a couple of chuckle-worthy parts but that lasted for all of 1.9 seconds. The only saving grace for this movie was the "Kung Fu Transvestite" and the little weird parts that you might miss if you blink. Of course, they aren't worth the effort to actually see what I'm talking about.

There is so much to say about this film. None of it is good. Sometimes I wonder if film festivals, and Artisan Entertainment in particular exist so weirdos and nutcases, i.e. people who truly should NOT be allowed to make movies, can make movies. Don't take my statement wrong. Film festivals often ensure that worthy directors, writers, actors, etc., hit the spotlight and have a chance to become great. I KNOW this. But geez, with stuff like this coming out of them... violence for the sake of violence, murder, extremely thinly veiled references to sex and sex objects (I mean the disinfectant scene with the worm makes you suspect, but then she talks about the worm being phallic just in case we were mysteriously struck blind), and the language are almost unforgivable. We're supposed to believe that they're criminals and that criminals swear naturally, but to imagine these people as felons we'd have to be on drugs. The lead protagonist, while attempting to play someone who's tough and not afraid to die, is so pathetically thin and pale that you simply can't believe he's done time. His 'Second In Command', so to speak, cries at one point in the movie because the other felons 'make fun of him'. Another of the four criminals, played by Dave Pressler, actually gives a good shot at doing his part, and you really feel for him at a couple of points during the movie. The last, the woman playing Lauren, has so few lines of dialogue that you can't really tell if she's a good actor or not. Maybe that's a good thing.

The last gripe I have is about the 'special effects'. Most of them are extremely over done. Bullet holes smoke like a Yosemite Sam cartoon, ricochets throw off bright blue sparks like downed power lines, during a chase scene that should never have happened in the first place everyone seems to be on roller skates (I can just HEAR the smug voice of the writer/producer saying to himself 'oooh, it's art') and idiotic little squealing tire and whoosh effects accompany actor movements from time to time that just leave you shaking your head and trying hard to stop the fingers of one of your hands from pressing the eject button. I maybe should have given in, it had more sense than I did. By the way, are the drag queens an attempt to satirize the lifestyle or were their parts simply a favor done for someone in the movie biz to get the video distributed? They are unnecessary and rather... sickening.

An EXTREMELY pointless and slow-witted movie with one or two funny and/or interesting scenes (read 10 seconds) which is why I gave it a 2/10 and not 1/10. Oooh, look, it's art!

-The Dude

This movie has to be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. This movie is the definition of B-Movie's It's horrible, and not even funny horrible! Some films your just like wow that was so bad it's funny, but no, with this movie your like, wow that was so bad it makes me want to rip out and swollow my own eyes. Even though it is the worst movie ever made you should still watch it, just to be able to say I have seen the most HORRIBLE movie ever created!

Thats all I have to say! Bye

hor·ri·ble Pronunciation Key (hôr-bl, hr-) adj. 1. Arousing or tending to arouse horror; dreadful: `War is beyond all words horrible' (Winston S. Churchill). 2. Very unpleasant; disagreeable. 3. The movie "The Item"

The experience of watching this movie is akin to watching a train wreck and loathing yourself for the indulgence afterward.

There's virtually nothing redeeming that I can say about this exercise in cinematic excrement.

Correction, there IS one. While perhaps not the worst movie ever made - so long as Battlefield Earth is still in circulation - this movie is DEFINITELY the worst digital-video-transferred-to-film flick yet to come down the pipe (notice the sewer analogy there).

Simply put, the film is a mess. It reeks of pretentiousness, is chock full of bad acting (and after watching it I really don't know or care if the acting was intentionally bad or just naturally so), terrible writing and a completely lame and pointless plot.

The real villains of this film are Artisan, the same company that brought the Blair Witch Project to cinema screens.

These jokers have pulled every lie and deceptive marketing trick in the book in packaging this travesty.

To begin, there's the box cover art, followed by the plot outline on the back. Taken together one is led to believe that the film is a grade B thriller with an interesting story premise.

WRONG!

If only it were that. Instead of a simple yet crackerjack story about four people who act as go-betweens in the purchase of a strange creature locked in a box, we are treated to gobbledygook that involves copious and ludicrous gunplay, a battle to the death with ninja transvestites, and a creature that looks like a modified Doc Johnson sex toy that psychoanalyses its victims to death.

There is only one way to get anything remotely resembling payback on your rental investment, not to mention the 90 minutes of your life that it will end up wasting, and that is to watch it with some friends where you can mock the thing to scorn. Just make sure there aren't any bricks handy as someone might very well be tempted to lob one at the TV fairly early on.