The Item

First thing i have to say: this is the worst movie in movie history. I rented this movie based on the cover alone. I'd honestly say the cover art may have cost two times as much as the entire video. I hate putting Independent movies down but this had to be said. I could honestly make a movie with my camera and friends in two days three to make a story line and it would be better than this. This is by far the worst movie I've ever seen. And I am 99% positive it really cannot get any worse. plain and simple the worst movie ever to be thought of or made.

Although I say this movie should be rented so you can experience first hand the worst movie ever. It truly shows how bad a movie can get. On a good note the movie is actually so bad that your interested in staying and watching it to see how much worse it can really get and it provides a good source of comedy (that wasn't intended). If this directors goal was to make the worst movie ever he succeeded in every way possible.

There is so much to say about this film. None of it is good. Sometimes I wonder if film festivals, and Artisan Entertainment in particular exist so weirdos and nutcases, i.e. people who truly should NOT be allowed to make movies, can make movies. Don't take my statement wrong. Film festivals often ensure that worthy directors, writers, actors, etc., hit the spotlight and have a chance to become great. I KNOW this. But geez, with stuff like this coming out of them... violence for the sake of violence, murder, extremely thinly veiled references to sex and sex objects (I mean the disinfectant scene with the worm makes you suspect, but then she talks about the worm being phallic just in case we were mysteriously struck blind), and the language are almost unforgivable. We're supposed to believe that they're criminals and that criminals swear naturally, but to imagine these people as felons we'd have to be on drugs. The lead protagonist, while attempting to play someone who's tough and not afraid to die, is so pathetically thin and pale that you simply can't believe he's done time. His 'Second In Command', so to speak, cries at one point in the movie because the other felons 'make fun of him'. Another of the four criminals, played by Dave Pressler, actually gives a good shot at doing his part, and you really feel for him at a couple of points during the movie. The last, the woman playing Lauren, has so few lines of dialogue that you can't really tell if she's a good actor or not. Maybe that's a good thing.

The last gripe I have is about the 'special effects'. Most of them are extremely over done. Bullet holes smoke like a Yosemite Sam cartoon, ricochets throw off bright blue sparks like downed power lines, during a chase scene that should never have happened in the first place everyone seems to be on roller skates (I can just HEAR the smug voice of the writer/producer saying to himself 'oooh, it's art') and idiotic little squealing tire and whoosh effects accompany actor movements from time to time that just leave you shaking your head and trying hard to stop the fingers of one of your hands from pressing the eject button. I maybe should have given in, it had more sense than I did. By the way, are the drag queens an attempt to satirize the lifestyle or were their parts simply a favor done for someone in the movie biz to get the video distributed? They are unnecessary and rather... sickening.

An EXTREMELY pointless and slow-witted movie with one or two funny and/or interesting scenes (read 10 seconds) which is why I gave it a 2/10 and not 1/10. Oooh, look, it's art!

-The Dude

I rented this movie because the back of the box sounded awesome and I love horror flicks. Little did I know I was renting one of the cheesiest movies of all time. This one goes right up on my list. I don't mean cheesy as in "funny B movie" and worth watching...I mean cheesy like I wish I didn't waste my time and the $1.99+tax to rent it. I would have had a better time trying to count the blades of grass on my lawn. It had a couple of chuckle-worthy parts but that lasted for all of 1.9 seconds. The only saving grace for this movie was the "Kung Fu Transvestite" and the little weird parts that you might miss if you blink. Of course, they aren't worth the effort to actually see what I'm talking about.

OK, I had more fun watching Microwave Massacre that this steaming loaf. I enjoy a good B-Movie with some beer and a buddy, but this one hurt. I have a friend and we get together to watch what we term "Schmeg Movies". We enjoy the low budget gag/horror films. We have survived the likes of Manos The Hands Of Fate, Jack Frost 1&2, Psycho From Texas, Street Trash, Brain Damage, etc... But this movie was one of those where the people involved took themselves WAY to seriously! They actually thought they were making "Pulp Fiction" meets "Dead Alive" or something of the sort! The whole thing is very weak! It even looks like it was shot on a home video camera! Artisan should be ashamed of themselves for marketing this piece of trash like it is a real movie! Even the DVD case is deceiving! From the looks of it you are getting a real movie. 16x9 anamorphic, DD 5.1, commentary, etc..... You have been warned.......

This film was ridiculously bad. I think whoever picked it out at the video store merely mistook it for another. First and foremost the film is shot using what appears to be a $20 video camera found by the producers at a Madison, WI Goodwill Store. The massive amounts of fake blood are so overdone its comical. The acting is similar to that of a pornographic film in quality. Any attempt to portray this film as "artsy" or to suggest that I merely missed the ideas and or themes could only come from the pompous holier than thou movie types who sip $38 latte's and read crappy modern poetry in an attempt to look smart in their black berets.