Facing the Wound - Jeff Foster

You have been afraid to break down...

You've been carrying so much...

Do not fear the grieving and terrible
ache of existence.  For sure, there will be
times when the pain is so intense you will find
it difficult to breathe and your mind may project
death and oblivion for you...

But, you will keep on breathing, and you will be
breathed through the abyss and carried lovingly
by nameless forces through the voided voids and
out again into the awe and vastness of living.  Your
breath will not fail you, but your mind may make
you doubt it.  There is a terrified child in you who
just wants to be reassured and held.  She lives inside

us all.

Be kind to your trauma, be gentle and soft, but don't
forget to be fiery and fierce when the moment calls
for it.  There is time for sweet talk and soothing
words and there is time for the sword too.  Let your
trauma know, it will not dictate the passage of your
life any longer.

[.....]

Weep and rage if you need to, let your trauma witness
the primordial power that boils in your heart...
Weep and rage if your need to, let your precious
raw heart be seen!

Your trauma will not take you down,
it will enrage and enliven you and push you
to the raw edge of sanity, yes, but it will 
 not take you down.

Remember the fire and forgiveness,
and the unbearable love that moves all things.

Breathe into the void now.
It's never as bad as it looks through the
filter of the mind.

Do not fear the oblivion,
it is the only place where you will find
your true freedom...

Jeff Foster

Excerpt from:
"Trauma: Do Not Fear The Oblivion"

You tube video: https://youtu.be/KMj9cP_gnf4?si=YEbBi76f3sIOk2NB

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Overwhelmed...

Tired of being"on top of things"
"putting out fires", making decisions
for others who aren't available to themselves.

I'm going to hang a shingle out -

"Not Available Today
Taking Care of Myself
And Don't ask me about tomorrow..."

We'll see how far I get with that.

I'm finally being honest with myself,
and everybody else...

Is this unloving, uncompassionate;
to save one's own sanity;
to not put others first;
to not be self-sacrificing...

I finally "let go" of having to be emotionally available,
trying to be constantly available.
I finally just stopped...

We'll see how long that lasts,
as life as it is still requires me to be...
- available...
I can't just stop - caring,
being kind..

However I can't engage in
 life as it is anymore.

A change is needed.

I "accept what is",
but my Soul needs something more...

Life as it is, as I'm living it, is a spirit killer
and I can't apply more "spiritual band aids"
- I bleed right through them.

I take a deep breath
Tension drains from the body ...

I'm not able to attend to life, 
I need Life to attend to me!
(Oh I forgot, there is no "me",
 or so some say..)
Is this self-centered, narcissistic,

indulging in my dark side?
Or - LIFE-centered...
I'm not sure anymore...

Although the "spiritual pundits" will
tell me the "I"  that I Am can't be broken;
that somewhere within there is an
"Unbrokenness" -
once found, not lost;

I evidently can't access it.
I carry too many burdens...

So I'm embracing my brokenness
and letting it be real,
letting it be seen - no longer hidden
behind "spirituality."

~

There are so many of us broken - fractured
in some way...

And non-duality tells us that can't be so;
that there is no 'self/me" to be broken.

I'd rather be broken, than an obnoxious
pretender spouting cliches to the masses
of broken people who want to believe in
their unbrokenness -
but who secretly wish
to put out a sign:

"Not Available"

Mystic Meandering

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Listen to the Wound...

In Deep Silence
In Deep Rest
In Deep Quiet
Deeply Listen

Sit in the depths
of the Sacred Silence
of Existence
and
breathe...

Touch and be touched by
this Sacred Space
that holds your
stories,
your wounding,
your brokenness.

From the depths of
your Being
Listen to the whisper
of the Wound...

From here all things
are made
clear...

Touch its depth
and
allow it
into the liquid flow
of Life

again...

Mystic Meandering
2024

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

a "wound" in a tree...
Can you see the weathered face
screaming?

 

Everyone Is Wounded - Rachel Naomi Remen

All people are wounded, but people who come here can't cover
it up the way the rest do.  Everybody has pain, everybody is
wounded.  And because [Commonweal] participants can't cover up
 their woundedness now that they have cancer, they can trust each
other. I can trust another person only if I can sense that they, too
have woundedness, have pain, have fear.

[When you have cancer, or other chronic or serious illness]
you feel separated from the whole  human race.  You feel
 as though you're looking at the world through plate glass. 
You can see other people, but you feel as if you can't touch them
 or be with them, because you are different.  They say that the
sense of isolation, of being separated from people who are
well, is as painful as chemotherapy, as cancer itself...

Years ago, when I was Associate Director of the pediatric
clinics at the Stanford Medical School, one of my
colleagues, Marshall Klaus, did a study which at the time
was extremely innovative.  He was chief of the intensive
care nursery, where all the babies were these tiny little
people you could hold in your hand.  Each incubator was
surrounded by shifts of people and millions of dollars worth
of equipment.  Everything was high-tech. Of course, we
didn't touch these infants because we'd get germs on them.
But Klaus decided to do an experiment in which half the
babies in the nursery would be treated as usual, and the 
other half would be touched for fifteen minutes every few
hours.  You'd take your pinky finger and rub it up and down
the little baby's back.  And we discovered that the babies
that were touched survived better.  No one knows why.
Maybe there's something about touching that strengthens
the will to live.  Maybe isolation weakens us.

Rachel Naomi Remen
Cofounder of the Commonweal Cancer Help Program,
as interviewed by Bill Moyers in
Healing and the Mind

with thanks to Rod MacIver 
at Heron Dance
Rod is a survivor of 4th stage Lymphoma.

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

~

"People don't care how much you know,
until they know how much you care."

whatever happened to compassion...

 

"Homecoming" - Mirabai Starr

I don't know about you, but I have grown weary of the 
endless quest to uncover and slay the host of inner demons
who have been messing up my plans for enlightenment,
which I have imagined as some pure land of perfect
equanimity in which I hover over my worldly concerns
like a cartoon yogi, forever free from narcissism and other
embarrassing inclinations, reliably dispensing compassion
to the vulnerable....to anyone who comes into proximity
with my purified and perfected (no)self [image]...

[.....]

But the "homecoming" is probably not what we thought it
would be when we signed up for the "enlightenment track."
We have been conditioned by our spiritual communities -
whether traditional religious institutions or alternative
practice spaces - to conquer certain feeling states in favor
of some idealized realm where we are unmoved by these
"lower vibrations", free to claim our birthright of peace,
love, and bliss...

[.....]

What if, instead of rushing to our meditation cushion or
asana practice....ready to vanquish the ego once and for all,
we take our ego into our arms and lean close and hear the
wisdom at the core of its insistent lament?

[.....]

The ancient alchemists did not view the base material [ego]
as merely something to be transcended or gotten rid of, but
as the "substance of the gods."  What if we were to love
reality however it is appearing in this moment, with its
heartbreak, our sadness, our confusion, our depression, or
[rage], our shame?  Rather than muscle our way through
spiritual disciplines and therapeutic interventions, we fall
in love with our brokenness at last and welcome the orphaned
parts of ourselves home.

Mirabai Starr
Contemporary Mystic
Writer, Author

Excerpts from the Forward
in Matt Licata's book:

A Healing Space:
Befriending Ourselves in Difficult Times

~

Photo from the Internet

 

The Story of Akhilandeshwari - Laura Amazzone

Art: Peter Weltevrede

Akhilandeshwari is a South Asian Goddess figure in the Shakta
Tantric Tradition. According to that tradition She is a vast field of
 Consciousness - a force of Ultimate Reality - the Great Mother
Herself. 
 Her name means "Never not broken."

It is hard not to feel the brokenness of the world with all the
man-made crises, conflict, disasters and devastation happening in
the world; not to mention the personal dramas that play out in
 our lives.  We are all impacted by the global crises of these times.

What is needed to help find our way through?  How can our
breakdowns lead to breakthroughs? How do we approach the
challenges, pain and difficulty that overwhelm some of us? 
How do we transform our  own fears and personal  sense of
 impotence into something meaningful,
empowering and liberating?

[It is believed that] Akhilandeshwari can help us move through
the very challenges and difficulties in life.  She helps us to find
that  light of our Essence  through the cracks of the chaos.  She is
the power of the Sri Yantra, an ancient Hindu symbol of Union
 [with] Divine  Consciousness.

Brokenness seems to suggest separation, but if we look closely
 we can see  the felt sense of what is ever-present beneath the
cracks that  can lead to our own sense of internal balance and
union within.

One of Her many gifts is to remind us of the power to be
found in our brokenness.  From the Shakta Tantric perspective
 Akhilandeshwari brings and removes the pain and suffering that
 break  us down. She guards over all those experiences in life that
can knock  the wind out of us and send us reeling, crashing down,
 wondering how we will ever get up.  She brings and removes the
 deep sense  of brokenness, the crushing pressure on one's heart,
the endless mental anguish, to  remember what's Real.  Our
"Never not broken" experience  can be a fierce and painful
 process.  However, She gives us courage to face the many little
 deaths that happen repeatedly in  our life.  If we surrender and allow
 ourselves to go to the heart of our pain, we can find refuge in our
 vulnerability  and in our imperfections.

Spiritual growth and freedom can be gained through difficult
experiences and in the invaluable lessons they provide there is
always a gift in the pain we experience.

Akhilandeshwari is depicted as riding a crocodile, which represents
 our primal instincts, especially fear, and our false pretenses and roles
 we play to appear "perfect" and "whole."  She destroys all illusions
 and delusions, so we can come back to our Essence. The intensity
of our experience is to disorient our egos so that we drop our
attachments  and come into our authentic nature.

When we remember the unlimited Space behind our brokenness we
form new patterns and ways of being.  The journey that unfolds is
deep, mysterious, soul affirming and often intensely creative.

Akhilandeshwari breaks us down and from the depths of despair,
we come back to fullness and wholeness - our Essence.

Laura Amazzone

Excerpt from an article
Published Dec 2015 in the Sutra Journal

 

Broken...

I'm going to hang a shingle out -

"Not Available Today
Taking Care of Myself.
And don't ask me about tomorrow..."

We'll see how far I get with that.

I'm finally being honest with myself,
and everybody else - well almost...

Is this unloving, uncompassionate;
to save one's sanity;
to not put others first;
to not be self-sacrificing...

I finally "let go" of having to be available,
trying to be available
I finally just stopped...

No more clenched teeth,
no tight jaw -
well almost
Tension drains from the body...
I stare into nothing

But it didn't last...
The "hungry ghosts" kept gnawing at me
with their crises...

~

Numbing sleep is wearing off...
And the ache in the stomach is
coming back, or maybe it's hunger -
or maybe I just can't stomach life the way it is anymore...

I cannot engage in life "as it is" anymore.
"Acceptance" of it is only cursory, momentary.
There are no "magic keys."

A change is needed...

Life as it is, as I'm living it, is a spirit killer
and I can't apply more "spiritual band aids"
- I bleed right through them.

~

So here I am in bed - waiting
for a different life to rise up within me;
one that nurtures and sustains me...

I'm  not able to attend to life,
I need Life to attend to me...
Is this self-centered, narcissistic,
indulging in my dark side?

Or Life-centered...
I don't know...

I only know I'm broken...
Coming face to face with my brokenness...

Although the "spiritual pundits" will
tell me "I" can't be broken;
that somewhere within there is an
"unbrokenness" that can't be broken;
once found, never lost.

But the broken pieces are still there...

So I'm embracing my brokenness
and letting it be real,
letting it be seen - no longer hidden
behind "spiritual words."

"Not Available"
"Broken"

Mystic Meandering

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Never Not Broken - Gina Puorro

These are strange times, sitting in this liminal space between
what was and what will be, a crossroads within both the mircro-
and macrocosms. I have been feeling a deep internal shakeup in
a way that I always do when met with something much greater
than me, bringing lessons of my insignificance and an opportunity
to shape-shift.  There's been less than glamorous insights into self;
meeting places of deep tension between my compassion and 
intolerance, my flexibility and rigid worldview, my humility and
my desire to be right, my longing for and resistance to change,
[to what is], where I remain open and where I shut down...  so
much friction between what feels like split personalities living
in this body.  And, in the way that friction does, it's making many
little fires in me that need tending, so as not to be snuffed out, or
burn me right down to the ground.

I hear the call of many wise teachers and elders singing similar
instructions; slow down, get quiet, be still, listen.

What if slowing down and finding stillness has nothing to do with
movement or speed and has everything to do with being completely
broken and not trying to pick up the pieces too quickly.  Rather
than striving for a greater capacity to hold more, aiming for total
incapacitation, surrender instead.  Perhaps it's a good time to
venerate Akhilandeshvari, Goddess of Never Not Broken; I hear
her asking us to sit with the wreckage and feel the sharp pangs of
loss and grief.  No expectation of the future, no instructions for
how to move forward.  A time to hospice ourselves through a good
death, and a long slow process of composting our former selves.

What if getting quiet has nothing to do with turning down the volume,
and more to do with a subtle attunement towards finding the sacred
amidst the noise and chaos...

Invite the power of disruption that shakes us up and disorients us,
that opens portals, seducing us towards the in-between spaces and
to dance in the wild unknown.  To see creation and destruction as
necessary to each other's survival, and the inherent violence in what
we have named nature.  Let us be students of alchemy and mischief,
and to think and act in unorthodox ways as the wise fool.

Perhaps it is time for deep remembering and reclamation.  To sit
with the many troubles of being alive, to let go of reaching towards
any sort of arrival, victory, or stability, and meet each other in our
differences, [in our shared brokenness].  Let's stay shattered a while,
and let ourselves spill up and out of the many containers we have
confined ourselves to; never certain, never permanent, never alone,
never not broken.

Gina Puorro

For any of you dealing with a deep sense of brokenness you
may find this essay from The Sutra Journal about Akhilandeshwari
an interesting read.  I had not heard of this Hindu Tantric Goddess
 before and found the article quite relevant to my own experience,
 although I am not Hindu...

The essay is called - Akhilandeshwari: The Power of Brokenness
by Laura Amazzone

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

~

I have no spiritual platitudes to offer,
no "answers" - no "fixes."

All I have to share with you today
is my brokenness.

MM
Sept 12, 2022