Annihilator - Remains (1997)

Somewhere along the line, Jeff Waters started listening to a lot of White Zombie and Ministry, probably some of Prong's transformative works during this same period, and thus Remains was born, an album that is inarguably the most 'experimental' in Annihilator's catalogue. There are still a number of straight-up thrash tracks, which makes the album even more confusing, but the whole thing is a fucking mess that shouldn't have ever seen the light of day, even if Jeff had stuck with just one of the particular sounds he was exploring. I can't tell what's worse, the totally bland cover image or the music itself, which seems to utterly fail to grab onto a proper hook or chorus no matter which avenue of heavy music it is trying to explore, all of which feel pretty derivative, just not from the source they should have been...Annihilator's impressive debut years.

"Dead Wrong" sounds like "Walk" from Pantera, only mixed slightly more for rivet-heads with the vocal filter. "Sexecution" sounds like a bad Rob Zombie from the Great White North, only Rob would have tossed this track off his first few forthcoming solo albums for how unforgivably bland it is. He can't even stick to the same industrial metal sound, "No Love" goes a bit more like a Goth-y Ministry, and the album gets even WEIRDER than this..."Wind" sounds like a slightly more dissonant version of Rush, "Bastiage" sounds like some 80s synth music from a big budget 80s cop flick only with some chugging layered in. Keep in mind that throughout this, Waters occasionally swings back into thrash mode for tunes like "Tricks and Traps", and Remains winds up totally disoriented and disorienting and making you question why any record label executive in his/her right mind would approve this for release other than a test copy that would be immediately discarded to the nearest wastebasket.

If Jeff had stuck to one experiment and created something more compelling and cohesive, I would have happily forgiven the total sea change and perhaps even enjoyed it, but this is an album that lives up to its title as the corpsified 'Remains' of a once-promising metal band that lost its way completely in an age of rapidly evolving trends. And I don't say these things because I hate any of these other genres...I was and 'remain' a huge fan of industrial metal today, including most of what Jeff was probably inspired by, but this album simply doesn't do any of that any justice, and certainly not Annihilator. Production is all over the place, you can count the catchy riffs in the thrash songs on two fingers, and even the track list isn't laid out in any way where these broad strokes can complement one another. It would turn out to be a short-lived deviation, to be fair, but coming off what was already a pretty miserable stretch of albums with no hope in sight, I'm beyond shocked that the Canadian survived this one.

Verdict: Epic Fail [2/10]

https://www.annihilatormetal.com/

Machine Head - Catharsis (2018)

While on some level Catharsis pretended to continue the increased level of musical proficiency and effectiveness Machine Head had begun to achieve with a few of the albums before it, on almost every other level it's a dumpster fire. When I first put this record in, I got the impression that it was some group of 14 year old metalcore kids who had picked up a copy of The Blackening and decided to pay it tribute along with with a little Killswitch Engage and maybe a handful of their favorite melodeath bands. The cover art looks exactly like something they would think of. The lyrics are beyond dumb, puerile translations of whatever Robb could look up on the news to become outraged that morning, and the music, while fast and often fairly adept in technicality alone, rings hollow on almost all fronts and is immediately forgettable. Whatever steps towards maturity and memorability the Californians had taken with their material starting the previous decade seemed to have now been sidelined for what is worth little more than soulless dreck. I bet Nuclear Blast was pretty thrilled when their lucrative new contract shat this one on their second outing.

For whatever reason, Machine Head seemed to bring back a little too much of the pure nu metal nonsense on cuts like the titular "Catharsis"? No matter how much you try to dress it up with that emotional soft pop side, once that groove comes out I feel like I'm stuck in a room full of dead air and ideas that were never that interesting the first time this band failed at them. The Pantera influence is also here in full force once again, and it's even funnier when they mix in their rap metal stuff as with the track "California Bleeding", one of the dumbest fucking songs I've heard while writing this blog, which no dirty rock & roll chorus is going to save. Other songs like "Triple Beam" are just dumb pandering grooves with bad hip hoppy verses and then tasteless early 00s alt rock chorus parts which the band must think is going to help them sell records. And maybe that's what happened, and I'm a grumpy old dude who is out of the loop, but personally I've never met anyone with a single positive thing to say about Catharsis. One other irritant here is that the band clearly had a hard on for the pop-infused hardcore & metalcore we were hearing out of both the US & UK 5-10 years ago, and you can tell by the light synth touches they throw into cuts like "Catharsis" and "Kaleidoscope". Say what you will about those bands, they pulled it off better than this one can.

Of course, Robb had to spread his bleeding & beaten wings a little further here with "Behind a Mask" or "Bastards", which sound like some dopey acoustic track Aaron Lewis of Staind would right...but what the latter grows into, some weird anthemic fusion of The Dropkick Murphys and the Beatles, in which Robb tries to embrace minorities into the Machine Head fanbase while dropping sarcastic slurs at them, is the sappiest 'what the fuck' moment I've probably heard from any of these high profile nu metal bands. 'NO NO NO, NO NO FUCK NO, NO NO NO!' Do you want a Machine F**king Head High Five for your pedestrian protest anthem? 'GET YOUR MIDDLE FINGERS IN THE AIR AND SING, THEY CAN'T IGNORE US ANYMORE.' Reading these lyrics makes me feel like I'm in the midst of the rave scene in that Matrix sequel, only with worse music and surrounded by a bunch of edgy caricatures of cartoon PSAs with their capes flapping around in Robb's posterior wind. I'm all for people expressing social and political opinions that they feel strongly about, don't get me wrong, but try to do it with a little tact and nuance rather than overt cliches, condescension and reductionist stereotypes that do nobody any good.

To be fair there are other themes here being tackled with more personal, less obnoxious lyrics, but even then you're guaranteed to have some extremely weak musical idea fouling up whatever rare catchy bit they might have accidentally stumbled upon. There is approximately one song here, "Heavy Lies the Crown", which would actually be a half-decent mid-paced Swedish melodeath tune if it didn't have Robb's vocals or lyrics anywhere near it. The production is fine, the boys can still play, but ultimately, Catharsis is just one goofy, convoluted mess that feels half Midlife Crisis and half I Wrote These Songs in My Garage While Inhaling Carbon Monoxide Because I'm Too High to Realize That I Left the Engine Running. It is, for my wallet, the worst Machine Head studio album, and I'd rather have all my body hair peeled off with masking tape while being forced to endure The Burning Red and Supercharger before ever listening to it again.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1.25/10]

https://www.machinehead1.com/

Machine Head - Year of the Dragon EP (2000)

Here's another Machine Head EP which was released in a few territories, presumably to sate the demand for more recorded live material and rare 'demos' that I can't imagine anyone actually ever having asked for in there lives. That said, it's possible that even Robb and the band didn't give a shit about this, that it was some sort of record label promotion to keep them on the shelves at the shops, or in radio rotation, or whatever crappy music industry justification for wasting natural resources on dumb material products. But unlike the Take My Scars EP, which had a mediocre Nirvana cover on it, Year of the Dragon has no curiosities whatsoever, just churning out the most generic short-playing fan cash-in possible, with one demo track that might make it a collector's item for collectors of trash.

"The Blood, The Sweat, The Tears" is the 'single' here, and it's presented in both its lame studio rendition, and one of the three live tracks that were recorded in Connecticut in 1999. It's following up after 3-4 other singles from The Burning Red album and one they put out for the Heavy Metal 2000 movie, which honestly baffles me, that any of the material could be considered good enough for air play... I mean, I don't know how anything by New Kids On the Block was ever considered quality, but they wrote better songs than these. At least I'm assuming...I wouldn't know much about that ::as he hides his copy of Hangin' Tough where you'll never find it:: The live songs are among the worst possible, between "The Blood, The Sweat, The Tears" and the awful "Desire to Fire" which is just possibly the most cringeworthy track Machine Head has ever produced in their mostly miserable catalog. "From This Day" isn't much better, it literally sounds like Limp Bizkit with a slightly heavier groove where he tries to do commercial rock vocals for the emerging Nickelback crowd.

The live tunes aren't recorded quite as well as those from the prior EP, but I suppose they are loud and brash and not as badly mixes as some I've encountered. So I'll give it a point for that, since I can't justify any of the musical value whatsoever except maybe the little 'HEY SLAYER GUYZ' riff that comes up late in "From This Day". "New Resistance" is the demo track closing out the EP, and I have no idea if this was something which was later reworked, but it's a horrible track that sounds like it belonged on The Burning Red or whatever Disturbed was writing at the time, there's a little bit of David Draiman in the vocals on that one but then again this wouldn't be the only case of that, the difference is that Disturbed has had the gall on a number of occasions to create memorably annoying songs, whereas Machine Head throughout the 90s just opted for the latter half of that equation.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1/10]

https://www.machinehead1.com/

Machine Head - The Burning Red (1999)

I don't know what could possibly possess a band to spend years listening to and touring on an album like The More Things Change and then come to decision that they need to do this again...but that seems to be the motivation behind Machine Head's third full-length The Burning Red. If there's one difference here it's that the guys are clearly trying to sound a lot more like Korn than they already did, so you can bet the chug-laden hip hop influences are being cranked up to the extent that even Diabolus in Musica might be embarrassed to be found in its company. Full disclosure, as I've said before, I don't actually have a problem with the idea itself of mixing rap music with heavy riffing, it's just so rarely that I've heard it done well. If I do, it'll have my respect. Most of the nu metal bands who flirt with the idea take more of a rhythmic influence from that hybrid, with the bouncy beats, lyrical attitude, bass lines and guitar tricks that are attempting to emulate record scratching or other stylistic translations.

Korn had already worn us out on that with their first 2-3 albums and Machine Head doesn't seem to accomplish much more than that several years later. So if you're truly enamored with Life is Peachy or Roots, get on with your bad self, but I think The Burning Red is notably worse than either of them. Robb does try his hand at rapping in the actual lyrical delivery, as in "Desire to Fire", and that comes off just as goofy as you'd imagine, you can just picture in your mind the hand movements he'd be making as he was bouncing along in the studio. I'm not saying he's the worst at it that I've ever heard, but once it surges into that lame chorus groove which sounds as if it's just been replicated off the last album, it just becomes too unintentionally hilarious. Add to that the monotonous crooning he adds to try and keep it all in the radio realm during the age of Creed and Alice in Chains, and we're in for one dumb fuck of an album. But it doesn't stop there, because that's basically the formula for almost the ENTIRE experience...dull churning nu metal guitars, rapped out pissed off lyrics, funkier or dissonant guitar lines and almost no ability whatsoever to turn in an interesting chorus. I mean come on, even Linkin fucking Park can deliver on the chorus, the best Robb Flynn and the bros here can accomplish is to sound like Limp Bizkit's steroid-addled cousin...or like a Jonathan Davis with far less personality and equally dumb lyrics.

When this formula IS abandoned, it's to go even further into post-grunge woozy commercial 90s heavy rock territory with the 'emotional' parts like the verses in "Silver", which just sound like some drunk guys trying to get their Nirvana, Pearl Jam or Silverchair on. The lyrics once again come off like some distraught middle schooler who really wants you to know all the pain and castigation he's been through BUT HE IS STRONG AND DON'T FUCK WITH HIM...as long as it sounds personal, has no capacity to engage anyone with genuine intellectual depth, and rhymes, let's pay ball. They read like the lyrics Fred Durst would have come up with if he was doing an audition for Hatebreed or Madball before they jettisoned him from the rehearsal space moments later. You could literally punch Durst in over Flynn on "Exhale the Vile" and not know the difference. Give me any lyrics about Satan, Vikings, motorcycles or B-movie bloodbaths any day over this nonsense! The cover art sucks. The cover SONG sucks..."Message in a Bottle", how original...Excel did a great version of that a whole decade before this lazy and laughable execution. Maybe when you were in Vio-lence and actually had an ounce of talent, you should have paid more attention to the other thrash bands from your State?

Verdict: Epic Fail [2/10]

https://www.machinehead1.com/

Tankard - Hymns for the Drunk (2018)

The third in a trilogy of absolutely worthless compilations cashing in on the good Tankard name, Hymns for the Drunk is another unjustifiable release in the age of the cell-phone, the internet, the streaming service, where any fan of the band can put his ripped (legally or illegal) alcoholic thrash tunes into a random playlist and generate much the same result. While Noise and Sanctuary were the first two culprits with their Hair of the Dog and Oldies & Goldies anthologies, here it is AFM reprinting material from the Germans' five-album tenure on that label, including B-Day, Beast of Bourbon, the wonderful Beauty and the Beer, Thirst, and Vol(l)ume 14. They even include some stuff from the Best Case Scenario compilation which was already made up of re-recordings of early 80s material from the Noise Records years...yes, that is the sound of me smacking myself upside the head with a big fat mug of fucking nothing.

Now most of these albums were solid or better when originally released, and the material has not aged too poorly for a guy listening to it being reprinted in 2018, in 2020. The production is fairly even across those albums, so frankly a lot of the songs could have just been swapped between them and none would be the wiser. "We Still Drink the Old Ways" is present, my favorite Tankard tune of the 21st century, so at least someone had some common sense. Surprisingly, there are a lot of 'clumps' taken from the albums, like two tracks in a row on the original track lists that are also placed here in a row, somewhat chronologically. And most of the AFM new studio albums get 2-3 tunes, while the Best Case Scenario has four tracks, one of which is a medley...so even here the focus is on some of the same earlier material from older compilations, only the re-recordings, which as I've covered elsewhere, were completely unnecessary and lacked the charm of the originals in favor of a more streamlined studio presence with their 2000s fare (this worked well enough for Destruction but I really couldn't get into Tankard's attempt).

So what really can I say positively about this? If you've read my rants over money grubbing wastes of space like this, you know what comes next. If Hymns for the Drunk were being handed out at AAA meetings or elemental schools for free, to preach the golden gospel of Tankard, as righteous a faith as any, then I might go soft on it. But this is a product that'll set you back $15-20, entirely without any merit since any n00b interested in the Kings of Beer can just sample them from any number of sources, officially approved or not. The cover art is kinda cute maybe, or it would be as a beer coaster, but I mean unless this thing came with an actual functioning TAP attached to it, there would be no amount of gimmickry to overcome its vacuousness. There were no bonus tracks that could have been dug up from these AFM years, no rarities, that could have made this worth a piss? Why is this beloved, legendary band treated with such awful and ineffectual anthologies?

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]
https://www.tankard.info/

Destruction/Tankard EP (2014)

The Pitch: Dude, two of your favorite German thrash bands have decided to release a split 7" together. It's totally limited, under a thousand copies, available in three vinyl colors and with some pretty cool cover art for each side that...looks a little much like cover art that both bands have released before, but try not to let that get in the way!

The Response: How many tracks? Are they exclusive? Is this one of those deals where each band is covering the other? Are they collaborations?

The Pitch: Well the Tankard track is also being released today on a full-length album called R.I.B., you know like Reign in Blood only its Reign in Beer! Surprised they never did that before. But the Destruction song, "Wildstyle/Immortality" is unique to this 7" as far as I know!

The Response: Well, that's somewhat less exciting, but let's check out this Destruction track. Hey, it's not so bad...sounds like a bunch of riffs that could have been patched together from anything they've put out from 2000-2014, but it's got that vicious energy they excel at, gnarly Schmier vocals, and a decent breakdown with lead guitar accompanying it. Nothing to scoff at.

The Pitch: I am so happy to hear you say that. So you want a copy? How about one of each color? Oh wait, you're not a Bronze Status Customer. I can only offer you the Red and White...

The Response: Nah, I'll just buy the Tankard album instead, and hope Destruction drops this on another album as a bonus track somewhere down the road. Thanks for nearly nothin'.

Verdict: Skimpy Fail [2/10]

https://www.destruction.de/
https://www.tankard.info/

Destruction/Rage - The Devil Strikes Again/Second to None EP (2016)

Here is the sort of wasteful musical product that I'm honestly surprised can still exist in modern times, a split 7" commercial double-single that gives the fanbase nothing it's not going to acquire elsewhere in a more substantial form. What you've got here is basically the title/lead-in track to Rage's The Devil Strikes Again album, and one cut off Destruction's Under Attack, both of which were being promoted around the spring and summer of 2016. Print them up on limited edition 7" vinyl, 1000 copies, a couple different colors to bilk collectors with serious acquisition disorder, and turn just the tiniest bit of profit...not nearly enough to justify a product's reason for being.

Now I love both of these bands...they've each been in my life for over thirty years. Had some effort been put into this to create some exclusive tracks, maybe have the bands covering each other, or creating more of a joint effort, you could have had a nice little fan package. I thought that the art for the Destruction side was really cool, possibly the only positive thing I have to say about this. As for the two songs, they match up well enough, as it's one of Rage's angrier modern style tracks which has just enough power behind it to hang in there with the more complex thrash of their countrymen. But each is far better experienced in the context of the other material written to be released along with it. There's simply no justification for this product independent of that. It's just as worthless as any old single which is cut & pasted from its respective album release, with no unique bonus content, not even any live or rehearsal cuts, cover songs, nothing.

Why bother in 2016 when the anxious audiences of the bands can just sample the tunes on their phones, their PCs, or whatever other devices and then go and grab a digital or physical version of the album? This shit is just useless. Any and ALL points I give to this are simply for the artwork of Gyula Havancsák, the Hungarian musician/artists who did the Destruction side. The rest is just needless Nuclear Blast excess from a label that has kept up with the times and thus I would assume should know better.

Verdict: Epic Frailty [0.5/10]

https://www.destruction.de/
http://www.rage-official.com/

Rotting Christ - 25 Years: The Path of Evil Existence (2014)

I don't have nearly as many expectations for a pack-in anthology disc as I do for a label-wrought compilation...the former is usually added as a gimmick, and at least you might be getting a half decent rag along with it...the latter is often nothing more than some I's being dotted on a bottom line. Metal Hammer of Greece is arguably one of the more 'legit' versions of that particular rag family still in print, and so it makes a lot of sense that they'd collaborate with countrymen Rotting Christ, the most successful dark metal band of Hellas, to put this forth, but let's call a spade a spade: this is reprinted material spanning the band's career, no matter how you try to dress it up and act like it's something unique, or 'exclusive', or 'chosen by the band itself'. It's not like you're going out and paying $18-20 for a pretty new booklet with a bunch of recycled cuts you've already heard, but it's still not nearly as important as going through this fantastic band's catalog and experiencing these songs in their original environments, along a lot of other great songs...many GREATER...Sakis and company obviously might not have the best taste in their own music, I'm putting that out there.

Do the songs 'represent' each of the group's many stages of evolution appropriately? I would say yes to that, and they're laid out here in a reverse chronological order, with one cut each taken from all the full lengths, beginning with "In Yumen Xibalba" off the disappointing Κατά τον δαίμονα εαυτού and then touring back through their better material up to track #11, "The Sign of Evil Existence" off of Thy Mighty Contract. But it doesn't end there, for the next few tracks ("The Forest of N'Gai", "Feast of the Grand Whore", "Vision of the Dead Lovers" etc) are taken from the band's earlier EPs, they are not exactly hiding those primitive origins and why should they? They close the selection off with another cut from Genesis ("Astral Embodiment") and then a live version of "Athanati Este", which is possibly the only thing the diehard fan hasn't heard (outside the studio), but that's exactly it...and like so many of these collections, I felt myself scratching my beard at the level of missed opportunity. Why not replace most of this with rare or live material, and offer someone an imperative to purchase the magazine? Clearly the only people this is going to possibly sway are complete newcomers who have no history with the Greeks, and even then I'm not sure they selected the best tracks for that job.

As for someone like myself, who has been following the group forever and enjoys the overwhelming majority of their full-length recordings, I can't think of a better use for this than smelting. Maybe I could eke out a brief few seconds of kindling from the cover art, though to be fair it's far superior to their last album which is one of the most shockingly amateur examples of 'minimalism' I've seen from a professional band that should know a lot better. If somehow, you are a Greek metal fan buying Greek Metal Hammer and you've missed out on Rotting Christ, then congratulations on this amazing find. I hope it gives you 70 minutes of enjoyment only before you head out and buy some of the band's actual albums, but as a 'product' this has all the substance of the aether. Inhaled it, exhaled it, got on with my miserable life. If I wore makeup I might use this as a mirror, but as it stands this won't even function as a rewritable CD. Hope there are some good articles in there... Perhaps there aren't a flock of ravenous label shills laughing behind the scenes, their fangs glistening as they drink the vitae from your wallets, but it's unfortunately just as much smoke blown out the proverbial ass. I'd rather marathon Κατά τον δαίμονα εαυτού while being served as kibble to Cerberus' spawn than take another look at this.

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]

http://www.rotting-christ.com/

King Diamond - Dreams of Horror (2014)

Should a release like Dreams of Horror really even exist in 2014? King Diamond and Mercyful Fate might stand beyond criticism in the eyes of many fans due to their respective legacies and longevity, but in the age of Bandcamp, YouTube, Torrents, etc. when most people can't even be bothered to purchase new original music, how will a compilation of previously recorded material fare? The fact that the tunes here are 'handpicked' by King Diamond doesn't really matter for me, that's been done a hundred times by various bands/musicians and any claims to the contrary are hyperbole. 'This is the first time a band has EVER cared enough achieve this monumental accomplishment!' Get stuffed. The fact that they are considered the 'ultimate versions' of these songs is also irrelevant. No, my friend...my friends, the 'ultimate versions' of these songs are the ones that the fanbase experienced as they were being recorded and released since the 80s, that stuck with us and entertained us for decades. Or, really, fans of ANY age who first took an interest in and tracked down the first legendary five records, which still stand head and fucking shoulders above anything this musician has released in his solo act since 1990.

Now, there is some novelty here in that they've managed to score the licenses to include the old material from Roadrunner/Warner. So while there have been comps before, this one is the most 'complete'. Yet it really just seems that KD and Metal Blade have gone out of their way to snake-oil this collection as the 'studio versions of a live set', as if that is supposed to render some legitimacy to purchasing more music we already own and take the individual tracks out of their respective stories. How about if we want to experience a live KD set, we just go to a goddamn live set? In reality, while the mastering on these tunes might sound crystal clear and evenly distributed across various eras of the band, it's just another pocket picking with a collage of prior album covers, high production values on the package, the same old same old from a major metal label which is just not going to dupe anyone except 'gotta catch 'em all' collectors or the who might mistake it for a new collection. So it's your basic set up of several songs taken from each of their studio albums, the career retrospective anthology, with the first disc consisting of their career hot streak from Fatal Portrait (1986) to The Eye (1990), and then the vast majority of the second disc, with a few exceptions from The Spider's Lullabye and a handful more, being almost entirely avoidable. I mean, there are tracks from the horrendous The Graveyard on this thing, which no amount of studio wizardry can transform into quality music, so I find it nigh impossible to consider this the ultimate representation of the King Diamond catalog.

Any and all points I give here will be for the work put in remastering the songs, which retain a lot of their original crystalline clarity, in particular King's falsetto lines and the elegant, wistful leads that characterized the better half of their discography. Clearly they took some time doing this, and were intent not to just reproduce the material 100% off the older printings. I'm not entirely opposed to re-recordings of stuff with modern, evolved sounds just for fun (like a few German thrash legends have done successfully), but this is not one of those cases. That said, I still do not find these to be superior to experiencing the songs in their original format, in among their neighbors which helped relay the narrative of each of King's horror sagas. Sure, you can have favorite KD tunes and put together a playlist for yourself, but removing "The Family Ghost" and "Black Horseman" just isn't going to cut it for me when I want to immerse myself in Abigail. If it's a live show, and they want to pick and choose for the set, that's fine, but I just don't need to plunk down the dough on something which doesn't feel authentic. I'm not sure if this was some sort of contractual thing with the label, but I wish any effort expended towards this had simply been put into new material, because it's been well over a decade since they were turning out material I actually enjoyed (Abigail II, The Puppet Master) and I know on some of that I'm probably even in the minority.

Really cannot recommend this whatsoever unless you absolutely must own every single item with the logo on it, to the extent that you're like a KISS collector maniac, only for one of the other face painted rock stars. Or maybe if you're an audiophile who loathes some of the original recordings, but then you'll be left hanging since there are only snippets of the total backlog included. Granted, there's a little more here value than in your average, soulless big label anthology, in that someone or several persons sat on their duffs and tweaked a few knobs. So I doubt I'll slap a massive zero on it, but as such a huge fan of all that unforgettable music Petersen and LaRocque released through the 80s and earlier 90s, I can only implore the new listener to experience their legacy within the proper perspective. The proper context. You want to support the band? Start at Fatal Portrait. BUY Fatal Portrait. And then the next, and the next. Go to a show. If you can't, try and check out a video of a gig (I don't believe there are many official DVDs you can choose from). I can't wait to hear a new album personally, and I do hope it's a triumph, the best thing they've done in 25 years (specially after King's triple-bypass surgery). But this just isn't going to tide me over, and I find it pretty useless since there is just no chance I'll listen to this over the albums. And if I want a playlist for driving, I can always just press 'Shuffle' on the first six.

Sparkly backwash is still backwash.

Verdict: Why Bother?! [2/10]

http://www.kingdiamondcoven.com/site/

Samael - Aeonics - An Anthology (2007)

If Aeonics wasn't inevitable, then I don't know what is. Like other 'top shelf' metal record labels (Roadrunner, for example), Century Media has a history, especially over the last 10-15 years, of putting together anthologies of reprinted material to lure in suckers (i.e. listeners new to the band, or utter completionsts). They even tried to get me on the hook by visually stimulating the simplistic celestial body cover imagery that so worked for their masterpiece Passage. Of course, this is no simple cash in, on the very word of the label itself: This album is not a simple cash-in Best-Of CD, but a sophisticatedly and carefully arranged collection of musical milestones spanning SAMAEL’s entire career. The album contains 19 tracks (clocking for over 79 minutes), which as a whole transport all the uniqueness of this black & gothic metal pioneers. Sold, guys! I'll take two copies, in case I wear one out...

Sure, it comes packed with a big pictorial booklet and was assembled in collaboration with the band, but it's nothing more than songs picked off previous products, and in many cases not even working together in unison. For instance, I can't envision how their electronic/experimental stuff off Era One/ Lessons in Magic #1 necessarily fits in with the rest, being that it wasn't originally going to be put out under the band's name, and it's surely not going to give a prospective listener an accurate picture of what the band is generally all about. There are loads of amazing songs here, don't get me wrong, but "Moonskin" and "Rain" are best experienced with Passage, and the same goes for the rest. By taking and transplanting these few tunes from their original contexts you are almost teasing the hypothetical that they're 'best of', which is not necessarily the case for the Passage, Blood Ritual or Ceremony of Opposites material and these are all albums that need to be experienced in full to properly appreciate. Even Worship Him deserves that level of attention, so I feel confident in saying that Aeonics doesn't even have enough heft to serve as a door stopper.

It's also a missed opportunity, because instead of just squeezing a career anthology onto a single 80 minute disc, they could have had a 2-3 disc treatment, with perhaps an album of all the band's demo content, a live set, a collection of covers, electronic/symphonic remakes of older tunes (like the disc Xytras did of Passage without the metal elements), or even just remastered or recorded songs that bring the earlier, crude stuff up to speed with the latest material. Granted, purists tend to loathe such things, and I'm often one of them, but ANYTHING except photographer credits to exhibit that some effort was placed into this, some love for the band's fans, going above and beyond to give them something extra...a true and proper celebration of the Swiss band's career, which was, at least for the first decade and change, a truly wonderful and magnanimous musical evolution. But, no, we've got a product that might have just been some label intern randomly handed a stack of Samael CDs and told to pick out and randomly distribute tunes into an arbitrary track order that I assume was meant to fabricate some 'emotional' strength...but really doesn't anymore than my IPod 'shuffle' function. I do like the artwork and the booklet, its sleek and stylish and oh so metro-Samael, but what if this had just been a new album, dropping the 'subtitle' of 'An Anthology' and presenting us with Passage II (they'd do this later, but one can imagine). Anyway, enough of my pipe dreams...if you have any intention of buying this, strike yourself in the temple hard with a blunt object. Otherwise, I shepherd thee back to sample and/or purchase the first five albums and leave it at that.

Verdict: Epic Fail [.25/10]

http://www.samael.info/Above/index.html

Asphyx - Reign of the Brute EP (2012)

Class, what a useless fucking release this was. Raise your hands if you can't wait roughly one month for the new Asphyx record? Okay, one in the front ro...oh, you're changing your mind and putting your hand down because no one else raised it. Right. Now, raise your hands if you love to collect vinyl? I see, a lot more of you this time. Well, I'll tell you who else loves vinyl. The recording industry, because, you see, they can fleece you with shit like the Reign of the Brute EP and then double fleece you again when the full-length comes out. Enforce scarcity with a limited edition 7" release (I think there must have been around 500 of these pressed), incorporate nothing of value. It's not the same case as a split, or a demo, or an EP with material unique to the 7", which are all fine. In fact, what if I told you that you could have the 'bonus' content from this on the limited edition of the Deathhammer full-length?

Now, I've got no major issue with the two songs here, brutal and furious modern Asphyx with largely the same production values as you'd have expected if you'd heard Death...the Brutal Way or the Hail of Bullets debut Of Frost and War before this. Raucous, aggressive guitar tone which can compete with both the Asphyx/Autopsy of old and all the Swedish crust in the world. There's nothing remarkable about the riff progressions, but was there ever? Not exactly, so it's the production here, as well as Martin van Drunen's ghastly vocal presence that really drives a tune like "Reign of the Brute" home. "Der Landser" is slower, longer and more calculated, but not much more impressive in note selection, just a lot of simplistic chugs that repeat themselves and you know where they're going at any given time. This is the German version of the song, not available on Deathhammer proper, which I suppose might have been a 'selling point' for the 7" if it wasn't also on the limited edition CD! On second thought, no, not a selling point at all, and the greater issue is that this wasn't like they put out two songs and then included them on an album six months later so the fans who didn't get one in time could have them...this was all pre-calculated, commercial nonsense. Pure product.

So the songs are nothing to write home about, not exclusive, going to be released in a short span of time with more songs (some of which are better). What else does the Reign of the Brute 7" have going for it? The Axel Hermann cover art (which earns my entire score) just seems pretty piecemeal with that of Deathhammer itself, and there's no other content worth a damn. I wouldn't mind an entire Asphyx/Hail of Bullets war metal record in the German language; it's appropriate to the lyrical content and context, and I sometimes prefer the sound of it myself. But I can't say that in this case it feels any more potent than the English version, so this sort of 'bonus' is fleeting at best (even when Manowar does a whole CD of a song in every language they could translate it to) and mostly just bullshit. Ultimately, Reign of the Brute is just a cheap cash-in on a trending musical format and the popular resurgence of an old school death metal band. Don't encourage this crap! Avoid! You'd be better off kicking a few bucks to a charity or saving towards the next time you're headed to the Nederland for some coffee.

Verdict: Epic Fail [.5/10] (the gruesome breed is hatching)

http://www.asphyx.nl/

Suffocation - The Best of Suffocation (2008)

Interested in hearing the best of Suffocation? Then listen to Effigy of the Forgotten, Blood Oath, or Pinnacle of Bedlam. In fact, I feel fairly confident in recommending that you purchase any/all of those records. Or Pierced from Within, a record I've slowly warmed to over the years but is much beloved by the brutal death metal audience at large. If you instead want to have your ears gouged out and intelligence abused, then go ahead and entertain Roadrunner's Best of Suffocation compilation, a staggeringly cheap and transparent ploy to further reimburse themselves for an investment which creatively ceased to be 13 years before this thing was cut and pasted into existence. Now, I've ranted endlessly about this label and their compilation$ in the past, but sometimes one will sting a little more than the next, and this would be that one.

I've read passionate, lengthy polemics about how Master of Puppets or Heartwork or Blut Aus Nord or Opeth or whomever/whatever 'killed' metal music, but I'm going to let you in on a secret: these are all folly, or we wouldn't still be listening to, writing about, performing or giving a damn in general about any of this shit. But I will say, Roadrunner, once a champion of the form in the later 80s or early 90s, tried really damn hard to achieve this result with their transformation into nu-metal's vanguard institution. For fuck's sake, this was the label that released Abigail, Don't Break the Oath and The Final Separation. How do you go from that to Nickelback, Killswitch Engage and Slipknot? Sure, it's all about numbers...Malevolent Creation and Defiance just weren't sellin, dawgs! So roll out the great wiggafication of the genre, ensnaring those Limp Bizkit pundits who might want something a little harder, a little groovier. Death metal? What's that? Oh yeah, we still own some of those recordings, so let's mix and match tunes from them onto another disc, press a few thousand copies and pay for this year's holiday office party...

The result: 13 years after Suffocation stopped effectively giving a shit about their alma mater, the favor was not returned, and the Best Of was born...err, strategized. Let's do some quick math: Suffocation's first three full-lengths had 26 songs between them, and this collection features a dozen of them. So, basically almost 50% of the material was shuffled around and placed on this disc, a band picture was slapped on the cover and then it was off to the races. To be more specific, it's a 5/4/3 split between Effigy of the Forgotten, Breeding the Spawn and Pierced from Within, which might stun some folks who clearly think the sophomore was the best thing since sliced bread and...why isn't it more strongly represented against its inferior older siblings? I personally enjoy the debut material the most of this but, then, I OWN the things...just like every other Suffocation fan who might have been the target audience for this CD. Can you imagine who might have actually picked this up? Some crackhead poring over the Fear Factory selection at his local Sam Goody slash F.Y.E.? "Shit, I fucking need that, Roadrunner be da joint."

Now, we can debate all day whether a brutal death metal outfit, even one so celebrated as these New Yorkers really warrants a 'Best of' or 'Greatest hits', something that at best should be reserved only for bands with like 30-40 year careers and even then I'd rather have a rarities package...but at the end of the day, death metal is not 'pop' music. Fans are generally interested in the 'album' as a medium, for both its aural and visual aesthetics, its complete package, and the Best of Suffocation does not in its wildest dreams sate that need. By 2008, anyone interested in just checking out the band who had not previously heard them could look them up on Youtube or any audio sample available and then decide whether they were worth pursuing, and that all adds to this being even more fucking useless. If, say, Roadrunner dug around in their gold-plated vaults for rare sessions from the first three records, and then put this out in like 1997 with a 2-3 disc spread, booklet, band approval, photos, live material, then it wouldn't smell like so much snake-oil...

Yeah. Oil. Grease, for the palms...or like the kind that was likely streaked, in large amounts, through the hair of whatever person green lit The Best of Suffocation, another disappointing turn for the worse that makes the Coal Chamber debut seem like the Renaissance by comparison. Even if you have never heard this treasured death meal band in your life, should you come across a copy of this in the wild then I'd urge you to run over it with your car a few times, or if you're the 'green' type, send it in for recycling. Directly after that, go and download the first three Suffocation records so that you can either appreciate them in full, scoff at them or simply whine about the production on Breeding the Spawn. Rinse and repeat with The Best of Malevolent Creation. The Best of Obituary. The Best of Good Band X We Once Deemed to Promote Until We Decided to Lose Our Minds and Get Down Wit Jonathan Davis and the Sickness. 'But, man, dese songs are so good I wanna buy 'em twice on CD.' Yeah, well I want you to die twice, but that ain't happening.

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]

https://www.facebook.com/suffocation

Darkthrone - Introducing Darkthrone (2013)

Recall2CD is apparently no misnomer, because the imprint brand, a sub label of the Snapper Music family (which also includes Peaceville and KScope), is dedicated wholly to issuing two-disc collections of reprinted material spanning the careers and catalogs of acts associated with the sister and parent labels. So, along with Introducing Darkthrone we've had Introducing Katatonia, My Dying Bride and so forth and really you get the gist of it. The fact that these releases have been relegated to a separate imprint is telling, though, they've been set up more or less as '101 courses' for new listeners, with basic biographical information enclosed, a visual catalog of the band's albums available through the label, and you can pick it up either on CD or MP3 at a normal price...

...and that's the rub, because priced at $2-3 dollars, or better yet FREE streamed/digitally, Introducing Darkthrone wouldn't be a horrible access point for someone first exploring black metal, or this band in particular, to get a chronological perspective of how Fenriz and Nocturno Culto first instituted and then later changed up their game across about 25 years. It's entirely dispensable, and 18 tracks is in NO FUCKING WAY going to do any justice to a discography which includes 16 full-length albums and numerous EPs to boot! Previous Darkthrone collections like Preparing for War and the Frostland Tapes proved worth the while for the avid consumer, because they were comprehensive or included something of value (a nice DVD, a thorough selection of the band's unavailable demo recordings, etc), but the material here isn't re-recorded, or particularly equalized, or anything to 'refresh' it. Which, honestly, would be a 'no-win' situation, since the point of something like this is to show how the band's sound had evolved in their many different phases.

Suffice to say, Darkthrone is an important band, and a mere smattering of cuts cannot aptly represent their appeal. Each of their individual full-length albums casts a particular shadow, establishes a mood that in my estimation usually requires complete immersion to appreciate. Sure, they've got a handful of the more fun and obvious, 'bubblegum' writing present in their punk and speed metal numbers of the last decade, and these are immediately catchy, but then they only represent the last five tracks on the compilation (and exclude the latest album The Underground Resistance). Using "Cromlech" alone as an introduction to their death metal material, or single song selections from some of the most important recordings in the entire genre like A Blaze in the Northern Sky, is simply not going to cut it, and as much as I worship Dark Thrones and Black Flags, I'm not sure why it nets two inclusions while an ageless, fundamental work like Transilvanian Hunger nets just one. Personally, I find them both equally entertaining, but there can be no question which is the more influential and critical for a new listener to comprehend...

It'd be pretty difficult to rattle off names of Darkthrone tracks that I don't enjoy, so naturally I don't have much of an issue with the choices here, and they all still sound as great as they did when I first heard them (testament to the timelessness of their aesthetic choices), but in context I feel that many of their records are better experienced in 'blocks', where the raw tone and overwhelming bitterness don't disappear after a few minutes, so in no way could I recommend this in a time where a curious party has the means to instantly acquire any and all of the content and then some (whether legally or not), and the same could be said for the other collections being put out through Recall2CD. Reeks of Roadrunner's old practices with their death metal bands in the 90s. The packaging is nothing special, the biography is old hat to anyone who already knows the band, and it all seems vaguely like a tactless retread meant to bilk a few pounds/dollars from some suckers. If you are one such individual, then feel free to skew my review score up to 30-40%, since you're still not going to behold enough of the real, emotionally draining depth of the earlier work or the mockingly rocking nostalgia of their later catalog to matter.

As for myself, Introducing Darkthrone is utter tripe, and the materials used in pressing these collections would have been better used in fashioning prosthetic limbs for amputees or plastic sippy drinks for school children. 'But I can play it at parties, or weddings!' Fuck RIGHT OFF. You wanna get someone into Darkthrone? Grab a flask of whiskey or equivalent, at least one of their full-length albums, and a boombox; take the prospective listener to a defaced local castle/landmark (graffiti preferred) or a woodland or park littered with abandoned automobiles and other social detritus. The closer to winter, the more effective. Take a swig and trade off. Apply volume liberally. Bonfires or oil-drum-fires welcome. If that doesn't work, then the subject doesn't really deserve to listen to Darkthrone. Try Katy Perry instead.

Verdict: Epic Fail [Woe/10]

http://www.peaceville.com/darkthrone/theundergroundresistance/

Queensrÿche - Greatest Hits (2000)

There are likely a dozen or more Queensrÿche compilations in circulation, some official and some just the same licensed tripe that most mainstream rock bands from the 70s-90s churned out and continue to churn out in the name of recycled profit. As part of my pilgrimage to revisit the progressive metal titan's backlog, I'll only be covering the two I've had exposure to, beginning with Greatest Hits, which was released near the dawn of the new century, the band's icon hovering proudly  against a cloudy sky in a timeless posture which presumably represents the strength of the material included. And, more or less, this is indeed a collection of the band's highest selling singles, so there is no falsehood in its advertising...the question is, does this hold any value for the long suffering Queensrÿche fan?

Not really. If you were, say, a rare teenager during the early 'oughts who had an interest in 80s hard rock or metal with progressive tendencies, and weren't just rabidly downloading and consuming all the albums available to you, and had heard of this Seattle mainstay and desired an introduction, then Greatest Hits might have satisfied you. Most of the songs are quite good, being that they are drawn primarily from the band's classic material ranging from the eponymous EP (1982) through Hear in the Now Frontier (1997), the latter of which is the point at which my own interest in the group's output had completely dropped off. The material is presented chronologically, with about 2 cuts per record (3 for their most popular effort Empire), and in all honesty this allows one to follow the band's develop through the more traditional power metal roots through their conceptual explorations and, ultimately, watering down into a more melodic and rock inflected project. Necessities like "Queen of the Reich", "Warning", "Walk in the Shadows", "Eyes of a Stranger", "Empire" and "Silent Lucidity" are all present, but let's face it, most of the target audience for this collection had already spun these cuts to death and possibly owned them in a number of formats (CD and cassette, at least, possibly vinyl).

Of more interest for me were the B-side "Chasing Blue Sky" and the full-band rendition of "Someone Else?" from the Promised Land album. The latter has of course been included with that album's 2003 reissue, but at the time this was the place to find it. "Chasing..." is your pretty average, mellow acoustic rock track that Queensrÿche were peddling quite often through the 90s and beyond, with an incomprehensibly basic bass line, melodic and soothing chorus, and the slight tint of blues. It's the sort of tune you could listen to deep in your cups while feeling sorry for yourself, but the musical composition is barebones, effortless, and far too safe; the chorus average at best, and even the bridge with its harmonica solo and glinted guitars does little to burrow it any deeper into the conscience. In short, it's as boring as Bud Light, a favored libation, no doubt, of many who enjoy songs like this. On the other hand, the heavier version of "Someone Else?", a longer and harder rocking alternate to the original which featured Tate and a piano, is an improvement. The sax might feel cheesy, and for the most part it's still a wimpy ballad with clean guitars and Tate channeling his best "Silent Lucidity" timbre, but it's mildly more developed and dense than the Promise Land version, and I do think the chorus is catchy enough for this period.

Greatest Hits is sensible enough in terms of its selections and ordering, and at least the band and label aspired to offer the fan SOMETHING he/she might not have already owned, but in the long term this has been rendered entirely ineffectual by better bargains in the band's remastered catalog, or the later compilation Sign of the Times which featured nearly the exact same line-up of tracks on its first disc (with just a few alternate choices), but also featured a second disc of rarities and demos. The Greatest Hits CD works well enough to check your lipstick when there's no other mirror available, or as a clean surface from which to sniff a few lines. The case could be used to replace another cracked jewel case in your collection. Otherwise, unless you're the person described in the beginning of the second paragraph of this review, and you spot this for a quarter at your local Salvation Army or used media outlet, its complete scrap.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1.5/10]

http://queensrycheofficial.com/home.cfm

King Diamond & Mercyful Fate - A Dangerous Meeting (1992)

While you'd expect a career like King Diamond's to be cluttered up with scads of cashed in compilation appearances, this has thankfully not been the case. There are a few exceptions, like the worthless Best of King Diamond that Roadrunner would release in 2003, one of several cut and paste efforts in the series that particular label would discharge on the listening public like drainage from a waste station. But rather than dwell on the predictable details and rating of such sewage in my coverage of the discography, I'll instead pay a little visit to the one collection that stands to mind. Not because A Dangerous Meeting is itself much of a value, but because it was somewhat of an unusual, unique release of this type.

The main reason being that, while heavily marketed as a 'King Diamond' release, this is actually a split covering material from both that band and his reunited alma mater Mercyful Fate. I can't really imagine why the label thought this was a great idea, however, on a fundamental level it makes sense to combine the two if you're seeking to give a newer audience just a glimpse of Kim Petersen's history. The styles of the bands are obviously comparable; Diamond's shrill meandering narrative the key, binding component, but musically they were not far off one another. Denner and Shermann might have used a more broadside, muscular tone to their riffing where LaRocque has a lot more flash, speed and airiness to his approach. Mercyful Fate kept the lyrics distinct, usually to each individual track, where King Diamond is far more conceptual minded. Otherwise, though, the two brands feature many of the same characteristics, after all it's not like Petersen was trying to 'escape' his years with Fate (he'd return to them and keep both running simultaneously).

At some level, though, you have to understand that Roadrunner was still trying to squeeze money out of the acts after Diamond had swapped over to Metal Blade. The 1990 effort In Concert '87: Abigail was one such case (albeit a contractual closer), but A Dangerous Meeting is a far more transparent example of giving something for nothing. It functions in that it's drawing upon what is unquestionably the best material that either of the acts had put out, and useful to a new listener as a sort of 'sampler', but anyone will tell you that albums like Don't Breath the Oath, Fatal Portrait, Abigail, "Them", Conspiracy, and The Eye are all mandatory whether you're into the distinct, melodic speed/heavy metal Petersen and his compatriots create or you worship the band as a sort of champion of proto-black/occult metal aesthetics. And at its core, A Dangerous Meeting is a mere 'bare bones' selection of cuts from such impeccable masterworks.

Very strange that both logos aren't featured prominently on the front of the package, almost as if they wanted to market it just for the group that was 'hot' at the moment. I do like Andreas Marschall's cover art, which is instantly recognizable to fans of his work with Running Wild and Blind Guardian, and I also admire the picture of 'pirate' Petersen, in full makeup, manning the helm of some ghost ship in the booklet. As for the actual audio content, the tracks follow a chronological order, beginning with the Mercyful Fate cuts "Doomed by the Living Dead" and "A Corpse Without a Soul". The two groups aren't exactly represented equally, since King Diamond had more albums available, but close enough. The 'second' side, or the solo band tracks rather, are thicker on Fatal Portrait and Abigail than the more recent albums for the time, some of which are only given a meager presence with just "Welcome Home", "Sleepless Nights" and "Eye of the Witch", all formidable in their own right, but those records are just so damned good...where do you start?

It's this skimpy selection which ultimately rendered A Dangerous Meeting worthless to me, as someone who already owned the constituent albums and loved them to tears, but there's also a lack of rare and unreleased material. "No Presents for Christmas" is on the disc, but by today you find the song on a number of CD re-issues so it doesn't hold much importance. All the songs here are great, and it wouldn't have been a bad find for a dollar or two in some random used bin in 1992, at least for those seeking exposure to Mercyful Fate retroactively for the first time (their albums were a bit scarce then), but in the end the King Diamond tunes are just so much better experienced in the full narrative of their respective homes, and Don't Break the Oath is positively essential. A curious collection thanks to its split identity, and maybe something collectors might covet (though, which numerous re-issues I'm not sure how rare it is), but personally I find its pretty face is not good for much but collecting dust in recent years, and its best avoided. As compelling as sticking your chubby digits into some antique rotary phone when your cell is sitting in your coat pocket with a clear signal.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1.5/10]

http://www.covenworldwide.org/

Grim Reaper - Best of Grim Reaper (1999)

Grim Reaper was yet another victim of the shifting landscape of heavy metal in the late 80s, not to mention the bullshit label dispute that helped steer them into an early grave. Perhaps one of the most accessible NWOBHM acts not to shift into hard rock territory and reap millions (aka Def Leppard or various Judas Priest records), they had a knack for clean if predictable songwriting, decent leads, a charismatic vocalist in Steve Grimmett and and big choruses which you remember long after you hear them on a record. Admittedly, there was a bit of a 'big dumb fun' factor to the songwriting, and I still find myself laughing today at numerous of their tunes and videos, but but also banging my head along, the phantom mullet of my teenage mullet whipping about upon its airy, nonexistent threads. So in their case, I'd say the rather lighthearted effort and energy expended in their music paid off.

Unfortunately, it just didn't pay off for the band itself beyond the development of a loyal cult following. They had decent visibility, some video rotation and buzz in magazines but were unable to match the success of many of their countrymen. Nevertheless, after 12 years of absence after the Rock You to Hell album, I was pretty surprised, maybe even psyched to see something new come out in the store. Until, of course, I realized that it was the tits-on-a-bull uselessness of a generic studio compilation, all tracks derived from the band's previous studio full-lengths, remastered to create consistency in between the constituent albums, but otherwise not a whit different or improved than on their original releases. I guess if you'd never heard the band, had no means of getting the three studio albums in the later 90s and were one of about 12 people worldwide interested in this sound in 1999, then this might have been a reasonable return for your investment. It's got 17 of the 25 album tracks present.

Ultimately, though, it's utterly fucking worthless, and the individual albums deserved your cash and attention far more than this penny pinching rehash. Frustrating incompleteness, close but no goddamn cigar, RCA Records. I mean, if you were going to go as far as 70 minutes and MOST of the band's songs, why not make it a double disc anthology and really worth the veteran fan's time to get the CDs, in addition to any 'first timers'? A new cover and some liner notes just don't cut it. I realize that Grim Reaper didn't have a lot of 'rarities' or B-sides available to include as bonus content, aside from their first few demos. The singles were just songs ripped from the albums to tapes or 7" records. But this is like someone selling you an Empire Strikes Back DVD with a few cool scenes missing.

As for the material selected here, you basically are getting ALL of See You in Hell minus "Liar", six of the nine cuts from Fear No Evil (excluding "Lord of Darkness", "Matter of Time" and "Rock and Roll Tonight") and four from Rock You to Hell ("Lust for Freedom", "Suck It and See", "Waysted Love" and of course the title track). Skewed a little towards the bands' earlier work, but not a bad selection as far as the big hooks and vocal lines. But as someone who bought the original tapes, it just feels like I'm being sold my own rump fat back as soap, and thus I can think of no reason whatsoever to own it when it might be better smelted down to create new plastic dinnerware for the hungry. What's more, you can actually purchase the whole discog now buy picking up the See You In Hell/Fear No Evil double album through BMG, and then Rock You In Hell on its own. Won't put you out much more than this, so don't waste a nickel on this thing. Not even the cover is worthwhile if you compare it to any of the actual albums.

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]

http://www.myspace.com/thestevegrimmettbandgrimreaper

Celtic Frost - Nemesis and Power DEMO (1993)

One might expect an influential, iconic band of Celtic Frost's stature to rough out the 90s with considerable dignity, but if the Nemesis and Power demo, recorded to prod some post-Noise label interest, is any indicator, then the Swiss folded at exactly the right time to avoid humiliating themselves on a level Cold Lake could only have dreamed of. The content of this demo is hands down the most embarrassing and pedestrian songwriting I've ever heard from the band, making their glamorous 1988 faux pas seem glorious by comparison, and Hellhammer seem lucratively sophisticated. Clearly Tom and his troops had run full out of steam, and at best the material here offers a few half-assed special effects that themselves would have required heavy development to pass muster.

Oh, I get that it's a 'demo' recording. I get it, believe me. It was never meant to greet the ears of wriggling and opinionated scum such as myself, but let's be blunt: if the best thing your demo has going for it is a semi-industrial, dorky cover of an obvious Carmina Burana chorus, you're in a serious spot of trouble. I mean, it's not as if Celtic Frost was some heinously unknown garage band. They might have yet to become such cult figures as they are in the 21st century, but even at this point they'd already released a pair of marvelous albums and another pair of classic EPs going back almost a decade before this. Even if they were riding the misfortune of a few dud albums, record label troubles and lineup changes, the songwriting here is uninteresting, dull, and often inexcusably so. This was more or less the same lineup as Vanity/Nemesis, only with the bonus of having Reed St. Mark back on the drums, so for the songs to be THIS bad I can only surmise that: a) they were written in 15 minutes while they were showering and shaving, or b) Tom Warrior was abducted by a thrash band of 13-year olds down the street and forced to add his earnest, froglike voice to their recording. I'll go on and rule out substance abuse, because frankly, this is just not that inspired...

I realize that Celtic Frost was never some bastion of riffing technicality, but their simplified palm mutes and groove rhythms were generally so well conceived that they compensated via their raw barbarity. Here, the guitars seem like the 'my first thrash riff' collection of some insipid teenager with two weeks training, only the kid in question would never have presumed that they might make for decent songs capable of generating interest. "Devil and the Flesh", "The Man Who Would Weep", "Primeval Rapture" and the 'untitled' track, "Under Apollyon's Sun" (which also appeared on the Parched With Thirst Am I and Dying compilation) all contain some of the least impressive muted noted progressions I have heard in my life, to the point that they make the infant nu- and groove-metal acts of this period seem like skilled composers. The drums are pretty simplistic, without much of the blunt force trauma Mark was meting out on the earlier recordings, and the bass is so antagonistically pathetic that it pretty much copies the worthless guitar lines.

There is still an undercurrent of eccentricity here in the choice of female vocals for "Pearl of Love" (which also featured the origin of a Monotheist riff), the strange vocal filter in "Primeval Rapture" which occasionally feels like Mustaine snarling, or the aforementioned industrialized intermission with its chants and choirs and meaty beats, but when rubbed against such a sodden and lamentable collection of riffs as, say "Icons Alive", any sense of fascination and wonder is immediately depleted. And, really, after hearing Into the Pandemonium, how could any of this seem even remotely exotic or avant-garde. Tom's vocals continue to strafe the border between the more aggressive grunts of his past and the febrile whining of Cold Lake, and are not once impressive, but the presence of such treacherously prosaic guitars overshadows any of the agony and regret they might otherwise impose...

I cant chide the band too hard, because obviously they were well cognizant of the fact that this material wasn't going to get them anywhere. Yet the very fact that it exists in even the most amateur, covert form is sad indeed, more evidence of an 80s titan falling to the wayside. At least Celtic Frost didn't attempt to 'keep up with the times' by mutating into an all out alt rock, grunge, rap or techno industrial project, right?

Rig...oh...yeah.

Verdict: Epic Fail [2/10]

http://www.celticfrost.com/

Celtic Frost - Wine In My Hand (Third from the Sun) EP (1990)

Wine in My Hand (Third from the Sun) is just another of the myriad 'who gives a shit' singles or EPs that have always been released near or alongside full-length albums to scam a few more bucks off a band's audience. The real attraction here is the non-album cut "A Descent to Babylon (Babylon Asleep)" which never made it onto the original pressing of Vanity/Nemesis, but the titular video tune and the cover of David Bowie's "Heroes" have no more impact than anywhere else. Coupled with the gaudy, terrible and unrelated choice in comic book cover art which looks like a mash-up of the Mighty Thor and.... well, SOMETHING riding a missile, it's value is exponentially lessened and even more questionable than the band's Tragic Serenades EP circa 1986.

Was this 'fan art', submitted for the EP? Were they just smoking crack-cocaine? I'm willing to bet that both might have been involved. Anyway, "Descend to Babylon (Babylon Asleep)" is not a track to entirely scoff at. There's a nice thrashing mute groove in the verse and a couple slower passages over which the lead trills, but the rhythm guitar beneath the second fragment of the solo seems like a knockoff of several other mid-paced riffs from the full-length. It's pure Celtic Frost, with a mix of Warrior's gruff verbal constipation and a few of the Cold Lake whining lines, but in general I don't find it to be so memorable or interesting as several of its neighbors over on Vanity/Nemesis, and I can sympathize with the decision to leave it off. Otherwise, the other two tracks are identical to the full-length, and thus completely redundant, worthless to me here.

What's makes this even more of an insignificant release is the fact that "Descend to Babylon" has been re-issued twice, through both the Parched With Thirst Am I And Dying compilation (in 1992) and the 1999 Vanity/Nemesis reissue. So, for anyone (and really, EVERYONE) who has since gotten their hands on either, owning the EP is a real non issue. Collectors might want the CD or vinyl editions for completion's sake, but I doubt even they want to stare at it very long, lest it cause cancers to grow behind their eyeballs.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1.5/10]

http://www.celticfrost.com/

Bathory - Katalog (2001)

This is one of those perplexing releases that reeks of 'you have got to be fucking kidding me'. Just a few short years after Bathory had finished producing the largely useless Jubileum compilations, they go ahead and release ANOTHER. Katalog is your standard cash cow collection featuring entirely re-issued material. There are 11 tracks culled from the 10 studio albums (including the latest, Destroyer of Worlds), and presumably the intent was to con some young sucker into purchasing this as a 'sampler' of what to buy and experience next. Katalog was initially intended to be a promotional device only, so I assume it was meant for radio stations, zines or shops, but it was eventually decided to produce it in a commercial format.

The only way this works is as some sort of case study on the various transformations wrought through Bathory's career, but even then it's not worth the $.02, since you could just as easily build your own mix CD or shuffle your .mp3 playlist and achieve the same results. You'd assume each selection is meant to best represent the particular album it was initially released upon, but fuck if that's the case for the crappy Octagon ("War Supply") or average Requiem ("Distinguish to Kill"), which don't necessarily have good, at least not great songs. From the earlier archives, we get "Armageddon" (Bathory, 1984), "Possessed" (The Return..., 1985), "Enter the Eternal Fire" (Under the Sign of the Black Mark, 1987), a medley of "Odens Ride Over Nordland/A Fine Day to Die" (Blood Fire Death, 1988) and "One Rode to Asa Bay" (Hammerheart, 1990). All are good choices, but at the same time, more poignant when listened to in their native environment. Rounding out the track list are "Lake of Fire" from their new (for the time) effort Destroyer of Worlds, "The Woodwoman" from Blood On Ice and "Twilight of the Gods" from the album of the same name, plus another of the band's dingy, brief outros, a useless inclusion.

And that's it. No unreleased material, strong remixes or re-recordings, etc. Had this been a bonus disc included with Destroyer of Worlds (dropping "Lake of Fire"), it might have proved a sweet little perk aimed at younger fans who were not familiar with the band's legacy, but as a standalone product it's shit. Might as well just procure an envelope, stuff some cash or a check in it and send off to Black Mark Production asking for nothing in return. In the end, this is just as void of worth as those Lake of Tears compilations Black Mark churned out in 2004.

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]

Anvil - Monument of Metal (2011)

Monument of Metal is the second of Anvil's major compilations, and about the best I can say for it is that it's a fraction less worthless than its predecessor Anthology of Anvil. Sure, these releases keep to the alliterated titles the Canadians enjoy employing, and this one's got a fancy Robb Reiner cover which should thrill fans of the documentary who like that the drummer's into that, but in the end, all you really get are songs the the long term devotee has already heard, in some cases for many years. Granted, this is a more strategically positioned package meant to capitalize on the success of the film and upwards momentum of their latest studio offerings, both returns to form, but it's ultimately a massive missed opportunity to sate both the new and old audience...like so many other comps of its kind.

This could very easily have proven a great value had it consisted of 2-3 discs, perhaps with one devoted to lives and another to rare demos and unreleased studio tracks, but instead it's just one crammed disc, nearly 80 minutes of material, almost all of which is previously available on one of the band's 14 full-lengths, lives, or as a bonus track on a prior album. A handful of these are the 're-recordings' of classics: "Metal on Metal", "Winged Assassins" and "School Love", all of which sound pretty potent in their new incarnations but lack the character of the originals. "Thumb Hang" is a 'lost classic' of Anvil history, but was already included as a bonus on This is Thirteen (along with a remake of "666", which is also here). You might remember the scene in the Story of Anvil film about how this was their first written song, relating to torture in the Spanish Inquisition. While I've never heard the original rehearsal version, this sounds as if it must have been updated as more atmospheric. It's a slow, strong mover with decent, arching melodic vocals that has a similar appeal to "Concrete Jungle" or "Forged in Fire". Some sentimental value, but not entirely catchy.

Otherwise you've just got a bunch of rehashed material from the bands various full-lengths. I don't really see the point of including something from Juggernaut of Justice, which was still fairly new as of this compilation, but the title track is nonetheless present. A number of other choices are questionable. "Plenty of Power" from the album of the same name? Why bother? "Race Against Time" from Still Going Strong? "Park That Truck" from Speed of Sound? I realize their intention is to incorporate something from all the albums, but far better would have been to just dish out the quality goods. I mean, the point of Monument of Metal is to give the band's newer audience a taste of what they've been missing out on, so where is "Blood on the Ice", "Concrete Jungle", "Forged in Fire" or a number of their other pieces? Hell, where's "Smokin' Green"? They do include some of the necessary cuts like "Mothra", and surprisingly "Fire in the Night" from my fave Anvil outing Pound for Pound (great song), but it feels like an inconsistent sampling at best.

Presumably you'd just buy this if you were brand new to the band, checked out This is Thirteen or maybe Juggernaut of Justice and wanted to purchase a collection of the 'best' from their extensive backlog. You'll be disappointed, because these are not necessarily their best. I cannot recommend enough that you take the more direct route and purchase their early albums. I've always found metal tracks to be best experienced on their native recordings, even if that means they are surrounded by tracks one might feel are 'filler' from that same era. It's a far better representation of a band, and in the age of the internet you can already sample just about anything you'd want to begin with. This is part of the reason I hate comps like this, which simply don't go the extra mile to fulfill the long term followers. Not worth the money. Surely in 30 fucking years there were plenty of rare cuts, extra live recordings and such to cull material from? Monument of Metal might feature a few re-recordings you don't own from the original albums where the songs were first spawned, but otherwise its just furnace fodder.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1.5/10]

http://www.anvilmetal.com/