What if you're getting tired?

I wonder what if?

Tired of being responsible
Tired of being helpful
Tired of being looked upon
Tired of trying
Tired of working for attention
Tired of putting so much effort, and yet end up getting nothing

Sigh, emo...

What I see right before exams

Well, its exam time, and I realize quite a number of things suddenly while trying to have group study sessions with these people. Some of the minor things I realize are funny, others very annoying whether for me or others. Some things I actually don't really like happening is when people start going out of track. Well, whoever is reading this, if U have studied with me in a session and u still think that i dont realize, ur wrong. I always realize whenever the group goes out of track, but I choose not to always correct it because I understand that we need breaks. Especially the case for law. Not everybody has the same attention span, therefore I give minor breaks in between to relax a bit. I know that I could have stopped and forced everybody to focus, but what's the point when people feel tired and out of focus?

However, I need to point out the fact that I also have my own deadlines to meet. Everytime I start a session, I already have a target in mind. And I always strive to hit the target. Ur playfulness/attentiveness will determine whether I can hit this target or having to spend more time wasting my breath. Do you people really think its really that fun to raise my volume above average for an extended period of time? Actually it feels like singing karaoke without a mike. I only enjoy the fact that I am the centre of attraction and furthermore when its for a good reason. Sometimes people say I talk a lot, but actually that's only a very small part of what's going on in my mind. I like to analyze and will cease every chance I can to think of what is actually going on and how am I going to deal with it. I know I may not be the genius who has an IQ of 200, or can think 100 steps ahead, but I also know that I'm not ur ordinary guy. I plan things in my head. I analyze people's intention,  people's character. I come up with goals to hit. Most of the time I dont really hit these targets. Mainly because I couldn't muster myself to do what I have planned to do, whether because it seemed to silly or it seemed too extreme. No matter what happens, I value relationships between people more than anything. I understand that relationships take a hard and long process to create and fortify and can shatter easily. If I start avoiding people, there must be something seriously wrong, whether its ur attitude or just that we dont click. But I am and will always stay on the side who takes initiative. I try to get to know people, and understand whether they are the type that I would like to mix with. If yes, I would try further. Some people don't like mixing with me. I know I have my own flaws, nobody is perfect anyways. I only give it my best and wait for the rest.

Anyways, this is a very long blogpost about myself. I express certain feelings when I feel like letting it out, not because of anybody. So to whoever I might have mentioned, I mean no offence.

Pressurized

Feeling a little down after getting sick the other day. Nothing too serious, some fever and flu. Nevertheless, I managed to get some rest, despite having to waste the little revision time I have left. I know perfectly well that given my capabilities, I wouldn't have a problem revising the subjects for my finals. What I am not confident about is my attitude and procrastination. We all say as long as you focus enough, then there is nothing to worry about. But for me, this focus we talk about is a rare scene. If I were able to focus 100% continuously throughout the week, I daresay its 90% for all my subjects for finals. Problem comes in when my mood kicks in. Why does my mood kick in? I don't know. Let's see, pressure from losing scholarship, pressure from maintaining contacts, pressure from trying to help other people, pressure to ensure that everything else is done before I start working on studies. Not too much. Well, it would help if people were more cooperative when I'm trying to study : the repairing work going on on the 5th floor was too noisy that we had to move from the umbrella area, then the library was too cozy that we tend to fall asleep, then we had to settle for the noisy benches outside the financial area. Nevertheless, we managed to cover 5 topics for law already, 1 less thing to worry about~ and I daresay people who turn down my study group offers are losing so much, too bad for u.

I dont know whats wrong with myself nowadays. Feeling super confident that everything will be fine, but also super emo thinking about what if everything fails to hit my expectations. How contradictive of me. Oh well, so many things are going on in my mind right now, even boy-girl relationship issues... People say I should give up. Personally I dont give up easily, but they have their point. Sigh. At least I dont have spare time to be worrying about that much, gotta get work done for stats and finance. As I always say to people, screw marketing~ HAHA!

Sleep

Sleep. Ever since I was young, I don't remember taking any naps. Not until I was in college. To me, taking naps are generally wasting my time, sometimes even my normal sleep time. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that sleep is not important, heck in fact I'm the type of person that can go to bed at 9 or 10.

What I'm trying to say that there is not a fixed number of hours that a person needs to sleep. Why have I only started to take naps(very rare situation for me) in college? because its the amount of stress on the brain building up. I would have gone perfectly fine without naps. Sometimes its the naps that kills my energy. So I really don't understand when some parents make sure that their kids take afternoon naps.

I mean, as a kid, I wouldn't like to spend my day in bed. I don't have homeworks, I don't have worries, why can't I just go play around and enjoy the new things I can find? Even if the kid will take a nap, its just because the parents themselves are training their brain to get used to taking naps. Parents always want their kids to have the best, but the problem is when what they think are the best, is actually not the best. Hey, people, thats a living person right there, they have their own thinking, and its their own body, so who are you to tell them that their body cannot take it? I know its scientifically proven and such, but there is also no guarantee that your child is not the odd case in the study.

A very good example where it is possible for me to not have enough sleep is the time I wake up on some of my mornings. Sometimes EXACTLY 5 minutes before my alarm rings. And no, that's not even the insomnia type, I wake up fully refreshed and awake even after a mere 5 hours of sleep. However, there are times where I would remind myself that there is nothing important in the morning tomorrow, and my brain would take it as a signal that I would sleep until at least 9 or 10am. And that's exactly what will happen. Because my parents wont be able to wake me up unless they take extensive measures.

Nowadays I tend to understand the other meaning to sleeping. Its when you just feel that you want to get away from this world, from all the annoying things you have to do, from all the sad situation you are in, from all the pain that you are enduring right now. Sleeping is an escape. An only mean to run away temporarily from all the madness while not damaging your body at the same time. Well, any other person could take drugs(whether prescribed or not) or alcohol, but I'm stingy and I love my body so no thanks. But let's face it, after you wake up, you're gonna get more shit in front of your table to deal with anyways. Sigh, and I was thinking university and college life was going to be happier, seems like my miserable-ness is moving to the extreme.

Looking on the bright side : this is definitely the chance to further train my EQ lol... dont really know how much I can stand this any longer...

一连串的事情。。。

就那么突然的感觉， 好想哭

Phew...the heavy stress period is over

The last 2 weeks were a total havoc. Had like 2 major assignments to hand in, and their due date were 3 days apart. It was a nightmare for some of us. Some didnt sleep for 2/3 days, others were stressed out by it. Myself? I can't say I was totally relaxed, but I know things will sort themselves up, so no point worrying too much about it. Both assignments were handed in on time so now all I have to do is wait for results to be announced.

So, after the 2 assignments, I have a presentation tomorrow. Marketing. I actually already planned from the start that I will not have much preparation. I just plan to work my way as it goes. Luckily I have 2 nice group members to work on the presentation slides XD Thanks Fion and Elie~ I hope I get to present this week, it's no fun if this were to drag for another week. After this I'll have the CIMA GBC to work on, so next week would also be quite busy for me. Not much time for Rappelz's new epic... Heh, no time to worry about games right now, I barely know scrap about marketing and statistics, I forsee a terrible end for me in my finals. But I still stick to my "everything will sort itself out" theory anyways.

After GBC, both school and college groups wanna go for a day together. Hopefully I can make it for both. Sure enjoy to spend time with them. Actually I enjoy spending time with any1 anyways XD. I would definitely like to catch up with them. With my schoolmates, its "speak whatever shit u like" time. We can practically go to any extent, ranging from super serious, to super vulgarities and even to super erotic stuffs~ Practically cant find any other group that can go to that extent, college peeps like to go on with funny and joking stuffs whereas uni peeps are not that open yet. Heck,  to be honest I really dont know much about my uni peeps, i really havent explore every opportunity yet. I always limit myself while speaking. Maybe thats their style, being mediocre. Most of them are that way currently, I dont know whether its because they have not opened up yet, or its just that they dont open up to me. Either way, I still have to spend more time with them to find out. For now, I still love them the way they are~

Now my concerns are on the finals coming in less than a month... Maybe I should really get a move on it... But I just dont have the motivation... Hopefully my motivator can provide enough motivation for me... *sigh*

People these days

Well, all was fine until yesterday. I came back after having a dialogue session in Sunway. The dialogue was definitely fun, we had a deputy minister of higher education with us, enjoyed the dialogue session about students and politics, and then had fun with questions tossed around. It was a high quality learning and sharing session. Too bad for those who missed it. It was also my 1st time using the graduate centre. The hall wasnt that big but it was fully equiped and 2 halls can sort of merge together through remote cameras installed in each hall.

Came back, parked my car in, then went in to have my pisang goreng. Then suddenly my dog was moaning, so I went out and saw him outside. Normally its fine to leave the dogs out, the neighbours do the same thing all the time and we were very used to it. But this time, I saw my dog with a bleeding eye. Nobody was there on the road, but I was quite sure someone threw a stone at its eye because there was a lone stone on the road and my dog's eye was swollen. No other part was injured so most likely it would be a ranged throw and it was so unlucky that it hit the eye. My dog is already 12, have a very poor vision due to cataract and practically 75% blind already. Now the poor thing has a badly swollen eye, and because of the trauma, he dare not open the other too wide. So now its practically blind now, only using its nozzle to check its surroundings. Imagine a happy and cheerful dog now hiding around a corner and being so afraid to move... sad eh? Well, I hope he gets well soon.

About the culprit, to be honest I couldnt really be bothered. I wont harm him in any way if i do know who it is, and its not like i can prove anything even if i tried to sue, and furthermore it was also my fault to leave my dog running alone outside. Oh well, I dont mind spending time taking care of him, but pity him having to end up in a dark and scary world before he dies. Sometimes I wonder whether he would be better off and happier if we were to put him to sleep. I'm fine with death, its inevitable, but whether its the right time. Just like my grandma, she got a stroke before she passed away. She was perfectly fine before and there wasnt any symptoms. The stroke didn't take her away, but she was already in a coma state. The few days in the hospital, I felt that she was already losing will. So when she finally went off, i didn't really feel too upset. I thought it was what she would have wanted, being a very independent women herself, she wouldnt have been able to live with being in a coma/vegetative state. Why did I suddenly bring her up? Haha, maybe because I still do miss her. She was very close, we share the same room last time. It was very happy with her around :')

Haha, thats it for now~ Here are some pics of my dog :

Can see the right eye(left in pic) is swollen

Close ups

Thats how he looks

Dare not open the other eye now too

Get well soon...