Pictures at an Exhibition

You ought to be in pictures - but perhaps not these pictures...

Not, one would have thought, the most promising material for a hit film - when it comes to screenplays, James Joyce is no Jane Austen.

While I'm afraid you couldn't pay me for a portrait of either Palance or Steiger, as hitmen or pretty much anything else.

Here's the mother of all "Portrait" movies, one of the odder of David O. Selznick's valiant attempts to make Jennifer Jones a popular star. One wonders what Ethel thought of it all...

Henry James. Perhaps the author of the last 100 years to give James Joyce a run for his money as challenging scriptwriter, and yet they keep at it. One wonders what Shelley Winters thought...

Yes, I know it's not a movie poster, but you can't go down this road and not think of the Ford administration's favorite teenage alcoholic streetwalker. Anybody else remember the scandalous sequel, Alexander: the Other Side of Dawn?

And it's all downhill from here. Surely the purpose, at some level, of all adult films, is to be so intense as to leave you exhausted. I'm not sure this one would do it for me.

Last and probably not least, not a terrible cast for what looks like a pretty tawdry flick - in addition to Warren and Herrmann, you had Vic "Mel" Tayback and, most deliciously, Sheree North. I really, really hope that she played a hard-boiled burlesque veteran with a heart of gold who puts Warren back on her feet when all seemed lost.

But then, I think that any picture could be improved by adding Sheree North as a game old stripper, don't you? Just think what a jolt she could have given Portrait of a Lady!

A Galaxy of Birthdays

If you feel a little something special in the air today, perhaps it's a result of the extraordinary energy generated by the fabulous creatures celebrating their birthdays.

The glorious Dalida, international sensation and tragic muse;

Miss Sheree North, who made it through a rocky start as a Marilyn-wannabe to become a genuinely interesting character actress and Hollywood survivor;

Betty White. Sigh. I just adore her, and her little dog, too.

One of Britain's great contributions to the world of camp divas, ballerina/actress Moira Shearer;

And, last but hardly least, the sadly missed Eartha Kitt, seen here back where it all began, in New Faces of 1952.

It's a testament to the grandeur and force of character of these ladies that they effortlessly defeat all the bad karma generated by today's birthday boys, who include such lamentable creatures as Kid Rock, Maury Povich, Al Capone, Andy Kaufman, and Larry Fortensky.