So This Happened: Yuletide Edition

Who knew that Cher went through a Kay Francis-impersonating phase?

Shameless Saturday Camp Explosion: Yuletide Che(e)r

Perhaps the least Dickensian person ever to have lived, Cher nonetheless gives the look (courtesy, of course, of Mr. Mackie) a whirl in this prime example of high-seventies medleymania, holiday division.  She's joined by TV staple William Conrad, who waxes unexpectedly RobertGouletische in his solo bit,* and ever so briefly by the soon-to-be ex-Mr. Cher, as well as, in passing during the grand finale, by the ever-pleasing Miss Teri Garr (the spotting of whom seems to be turning into a minor Café hobby).

The highlight, I think you'll agree, is the star's do-or-die assault on "O Holy Night."  Hers may not be the most orthodox rendition ever, but she certainly gives it her all, reminding us that in her heyday she had a helluva set of pipes and wasn't afraid to use it.

* And he's if nothing else undeniably a cheerier party guest than Peg.  You'll note that this very special moment on The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour was taped in the same year as the special that produced Miss Lee's lugubrious turn.  There must have been something in the water.

Three on a Match

Just 16 years ago today this unlikely trio - who clearly hadn't coordinated their wardrobe choices in advance - gathered to promote a TV movie they made together, If These Walls Could Talk, one of those much-admired-at-the-time kinds of projects that no one ever particularly wants to see again.

At the time, Demi Moore seemed poised to take over Hollywood, even if here she seems to be trying to distract us from her G.I. Jane-skinhead-imposed skullcap by a stealth display of the girls.  Walls was meant to be her coming out as a Serious Hollywood Person, the Brat Pack at last behind her.  1996 did turn out to be a turning point; if not quite in the way she'd hoped - Jane garnered her a Worst Actress Razzie and didn't particularly shine at the box office.  Coming hard on the heels of the disappointing Striptease and her much-derided go at Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter, its failure to thrive meant that her days of opening big movies on her own were suddenly behind her.  All too soon she was a voice in The Hunchback of Notre Dame II and an "older woman" guest star in Charlie's Angels, and really things haven't improved much since.

As for Miss Spacek, even then she had started down the path to JessicaTandydom that continues to this day.  Never a glamour girl (this apparently is her idea of dressing up, poor thing), she'll likely continue in more or less the same vein for decades, slowly becoming ever more Distinguished and Beloved, not to mention Twinkly and Feisty.  Frankly - and I know this doesn't really reflect very well on me as a person at all - she sort of bores me, and has at least since Crimes of the Heart. 

And then there's Cher.  I am quite sure this is her idea of daywear.  In 1996, she had already been a star for 30 years, and even as we speak today she's readying a new album and her latest Final Ever Farewell Tour, the first iteration of which hit the road a decade ago.  She is indomitable, eternal, undeniable in her stardom.  If Her Walls Could Talk - now that's a picture I'd pay to see. 

Birthday Girl: The Beat Goes On

Cher by Avedon, Mononym to Mononym

She's been famous, in different ways in each, in six different decades.  She is perhaps the most self-aware of performers, one laugh ahead of her worst critics and always ready to admit that she's an unlikely bet to have become both one of the greatest and most durable of stars. 

Early on, before settling on her defining monosyllablism, she was briefly known profressionally as Bonnie Jo Mason, Cherilyn, and Cleo.  She's got her Oscar, not to mention a shelf-full of lesser honors, not to mention a fortune conservatively estimated in the hundreds of millions.  Notwithstanding that she headlined a multi-year, multi-continent Farewell Tour once upon a time earlier this century, she's getting ready to hit the road again this fall.  Just as well; the world could always use a little more Cher.

She's 66 today, and that seems like the most improbable thing of all.

Yesterday, When They Were Young

Just 29 years ago today, an almost impossibly demure-looking Cher (who knew she ever dressed so much like a lesser Windsor?) is squired to some forgotten social event by, believe it or not, Val Kilmer.  I think their expressions tell a number of potentially interesting stories, most of them filthy.

Back then, would you have bet that three decades later, she would look still more or less the same - and he would look like your aunt's alcoholic insurance-salesman ex-husband?

Kids in America

The past is another country:  one in which Bette Midler and David Bowie share a fondness for ruthlessly bleached poodle cuts; in which Michael Jackson's fashion choices almost make sense; in which Cher can be the least fussily turned out person in any group; and in which that other woman is international song sensation Kim Wilde.

Well, I suppose she still is, but honestly - did you recognize her?  Do you, as Miss Cara once implored, remember her name?

How do you suppose this distinctly eclectic evening turned out?  Based on Cher's expression, I'm not optimistic...

Sing It, Sister

This popped up in my "Recommended for You" list. YouTube is starting to scare me - Cher, a classic, and a Bob Mackie Anna May Wong outfit? How can an algorithm know me so well?

5 Non-Blondes

Pages from the Sydney Guilaroff Hall of Shame. Looks that never should have been.

Loretta "Goldie" Young

Bette "Cookie" Davis

Joan "Jayne" Collins

Norma "Torchy" Shearer

Cherilyn Sarkisian Bono Allman*

Kindest just to file these under "what were they thinking?" and move on. But first, gaze at the trainwreck that misguided glamour can be, and learn.

*A name that, when written out in full, is literally impossible to make any trashier. God knows I've tried.

Four Horsepersons of the 80s Apocalypse

Rarely can an entire era be summed up in a single telling image, but this one comes close:

From left to right, meet Arrogance, Vanity, Greed - and Utter Fabulousness.

The hallmark of true vice is its secrecy; its downfall, the inevitability of exposure. Then, three of these were pillars of the community, and the fourth an unpredictable eccentric.

Today, we take for granted that one is a tiny megalomaniac, the second the victim of pitiful plastic surgery, and the third a domineering, status-obsessed (good-to-her-infirm-partner-in-crime, yes) shrew.

Virtue, on the other hand, shines through, and the last has only gone from strength to strength, refining and enhancing an existence that brings joy to millions. And who else would ever have had the balls to wear that to the White House?

Yesterday, When We Were Young

Bette Midler, 1972

Barbara Streisand, 1964

Aretha Franklin, 1960

The Primettes, 1959

Cher, 1967

Dark Lady

Somehow in all the excitement this week, we managed to overlook a major event: Cher's birthday. She was 2,435 years young and still as thrilling as ever. Rather than making snide remarks about Cher looking plastic, I thought we'd look at Chers that actually are.

The original Cher doll, produced by a company called Mego, was Barbie's first serious rival. She was a little taller - which meant annoyingly incompatible fashions - but she was also... moodier. Fiercer. Frankly - trannier:


This being Early Period Cher, she was of course inevitably accompanied by Sonny:

Morticiaische!

Bob Mackie dressed Doll Cher, just like the real one:

Nonetheless, for some reason, almost all the Cher dolls currently on the market end up wearing this:


Unless they've fallen on really hard times:


Mego followed up with a whole line of TV stars - Farrah and Miss Ross I remembered, but did you know about Suzanne Somers? The Captain and Tenille? Laverne and Shirley?

What fun it would have been to give Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams makeovers in the more glam stars' outfits, or equally to en-frump Diana! Anyway, you can find out much more about all this over at the Mego Museum, and you really ought to.