Smotherhood

So when I say Up and Down, I'm talking about me. I've kind of struggled the last 2 weeks. Feeling a little discouraged at times. I can feel the adversary working on me, and trying to remind me of all the areas I'm lacking. It's like he's kinda ticked off that we just went through this big trial that brought us so much closer to the Lord.

My girls have been wearing me out. I have this other blog post that I wrote at the PEAK of my emotions. Oh, I ranted. I raved. I complained. I was so burnt out at the moment, and felt completely smothered. In fact, when Samuel came home and found me in such a tizzy, he sent me out by myself to run errands (I love that.) I stopped at the library, and found the perfect book. It's called SMOTHERHOOD. Isn't that the best word? That's how I've been feeling. So that post is still just hanging out. I am going to try a shortened version. (Aren't you glad? Can you imagine how long it would be? This one is long enough. Sheesh!!)

I don't know if it's just this time in my life, with my girls still so young, still unable to be more than 2 feet away from me, and still not quite old enough to entertain each other, but often I feel so discouraged. I definitely don't think I have to "DO IT ALL" - no way, those are silly expectations, but shouldn't I be able to do SOMETHING? Accomplish SOMETHING in the day?

I was feeling even worse because of a certain acquaintance on Facebook, who always posts status updates like this: "Dishes done, dinner in the oven, laundry folded and put away, bathrooms scrubbed, whole house vacuumed! Now I can sit and enjoy my kids!" And her status says that at least three times a week. She has FOUR kids, two in school, two at home, one on the way, and one time I finally just asked her how it's even remotely possible to accomplish that much (on a regular basis.) She says she just sits her kids in front of a Disney movie with a snack, and her kids sit there and watch it while she cleans.

I have NO problem with using the TV as a babysitter. But I just felt frustrated that her method would never, in a million years work for me and my kids. (Ok, maybe it will work when they're older, but it ain't happening now.) My house is never clean. I don't exercise. I rarely find time to make a real meal for Samuel and myself. I don't sew or knit or scrapbook or do art projects. I just don't get the chance to do anything but chase after a 17 month old and a 2 1/2 year old. And yes, it's a very good day that I get a shower. At night, when they're finally in bed, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I just want to bask in the silence. And I most definitely do not feel like cleaning or exercising. I just want lots of silence.

It makes me feel better knowing that so many of you are in the same boat. It makes me feel better that my mom must have gone through the exact same thing at one point, with my sister and I, when we were 1 and 2. It gives me hope that SOMEDAY my kids will sit in front of an ENTIRE movie, and I can scrub a tub or a toilet. Or just sit and read a book. I don't know what I'll do. But I just hope that day comes.

Maybe it's because they are so close in age. Maybe it's because I don't have a good, fenced-in yard to send them out to. Maybe it's because of the insecurities they've been through in the last 6 weeks, being away from home and from each other. I don't know. But man, I sometimes feel so smothered, I can barely breathe.

I know they love me. They want me to hold them and play with them all day. I love being adored like that. They are so cute and silly these days, and they make me laugh all the time. Thank goodness for that, I'd probably go crazy without some comic relief. But Kalia is so extremely active, she never stops, and she wears me out the most. It just seems like it was easier when Annie was a baby and went everywhere in a sling, and Kalia didn't ask to go climb a tree every half hour. And Annie wasn't eating dirt every day, and Kalia hadn't figured out how to hold a pen/crayon/marker yet. AND THEY WERE BOTH NAPPING. (Kalia fights napping, and rest time, and room confinement, with everything she's got.) Maybe this is just a hard stage?? But I'm worried that when I have 3 kids, or 4, I'll look back and say, "Girl, you had it easy and you didn't even know it."
And just when the straw broke the camel's back, and I thought I'd have to run away for two days, things got better, and Kalia and Annaliese just started....playing together. I mean, really playing. I almost thought it wasn't real. I've waited 17 long months for this day. I'm afraid to mention it, for fear that it will stop. It's only been going on for about a week. But they are getting into a lot of mischief together.

They escape outside every time I get too comfortable. (Time to get a high door latch.) Every time it's silent, I know they're out in the front, usually stealing stuff off of other people's porches. One time I found them sitting on the sidewalk, inches away from the street. One time, Kalia was in nothing but underwear, and another time, buck naked.

Today was a funny moment though. In the exactly two minutes that I used to get dressed, they had gone downstairs, pulled the frozen chicken nuggets out of the freezer, discovered the Dippin' Dots, took them outside, opened them, dropped them, and when I found them, they were licking them up off the sidewalk. Still in pajamas at least!I laughed so hard at them doing this. But very quickly the ants came, and started biting there feet. Here's Kalia's efficient style of licking up ice cream.Annie's "Bum in the air style"
But it kinda sorta made my day. I even made dinner. But no shower today. And the house looks like a bomb went off. And I most definitely did not do the dishes. So, one accomplishment for the day. But at least I loved my girls as best I could.

I love the little things that help me keep my sanity. A few days ago I picked up Annaliese, only to find that her PJ pants were still on, but her diaper had mysteriously vanished (look close...I found it around her right ankle. It was soaked.)
I don't know how I'll handle any more kids, when two has consumed so much time and energy. HOW DO YOU GUYS DO IT? Seriously. I can't even comprehend it. Someone give me good news and tell me it gets easier.

Marker on Annie's face...Kalia looking like the guilty party, but she may have been framed.
Good thing they're cute. That's all I have to say about that.
Eating dirt by the handfuls? What's UP with that?

Maybe I need therapy?

Well, Samuel is extremely concerned about me. He thinks I'm having a bit of a mental break. He just saw the pictures and my poll. And I tried to explain what's going on with me, and now he's all worried that I need help or something. What the what?

And about that poll...The problem is this: My own husband AND my own mother claim to not recognize me in the below pictures. Samuel just asked me what blog I was reading with the girl that sort of "resembled me a little." He also told me that the pictures I used for my "hair makeovers" were the worst picture he'd ever seen of me in his life. Ugh. Oops. What's the word I want here?

I should have consulted him before I did it. I am strongly considering erasing the post entirely, to avoid any future embarrassment, or to avoid being nominated for the"worst self-portrait of all time" award.

I have to admit, I am very relieved that I really don't look like that. Let's just be honest. They are awful pictures. The reason I used that one photo for my hair makeovers was because I took about 200 (SERIOUSLY) self-portraits at 11 p.m. and THAT one was the only one that I thought looked decent. They were all SOOOOOOO BAD! I don't know why. (And the website says to look straight on at the camera (my worst angle) and have your hair pulled back.) All in all, it just did not work. I can't believe I posted them for all to see.

I really do appreciate your comments. I have been planning (for about a year now) what my next move will be with my hair, but I don't have any money right now to do anything quite yet. But it's true, I'm suddenly quite desperate for a change. Still, I must confess, my heart will always want to be blond again, since that's way I spent the entire 28 years of my life until this last year. (I mean, can ANYONE see why I want this hair back?)
True, my natural color is not bad, and so it's free and there are no roots to keep up with. I LOVE that, for sure. But to be totally frank, I do not feel beautiful as a brunette. I don't know why. It doesn't matter what anyone tells me. Even my own husband tries to convince me that I am at my "HOTTEST" as a brunette, but it's just not sinking in. AT ALL. I am not begging for my compliments. I am just sadly admitting that they aren't having the effect that I wish they would- to make me want to keep my natural color. It's some weird identity thing. I am going to keep it for awhile longer anyway, since it is, of course, free. Maybe the summer sun will give me a sun-kissed look, and satisfy my need for some blond somewhere.

And that's the problem. Deep in my heart, I want nothing more than to be blond again- whether it's a caramel, a honey, or a bleached out blond (probably not, since my days of fake-baking are over, and it really only looked good with a tan, but anyway, off the subject)...but I just feel like I was so much more confident back then. That's not good...your hair should never determine your confidence, right? Right. But...I can't help but feel that a part of me is missing.

Some of you have mentioned that I might be dealing with my latest "stress" by looking for a change (kind of like what happens after a breakup). I think you might be right. (And Samuel says you people are 100% right.) I can't remember the last time I did something for me. Well, we did finally get a date night on Saturday. But it was my birthday... 3 months ago, that I really got to do things all for myself. That was nice. And that's not that long, is it? But maybe I can find a way to treat myself to something other than an afternoon nap (oh but I do love those...) to help me find...myself. I don't really know where to start. This is obvious a deeper issue than just the color of my hair. I'm sure all women struggle with this at some point in their lives.

So, to sum things up, I am utterly humiliated that I posted those pictures of myself, I do have some major issues of insecurity going on, and I need an outlet for my stress, and I'm going to be looking for it. I love you guys and the fact that you humor me with my hair coloring therapy, or whatever is going on here.

And so this is me, in the year that I am going to turn 30. Is this what a mid-life crisis is? I'm too young for that! And fine, I will leave up the awful pictures and poll down below, for all you curious readers who didn't get to see them yet. Enjoy.

PLEASE HELP

Friends, please help. I am SO bored with the color of my hair. It's my natural color, and while many of you have said, "Leave it dark!" (thank you, that does make me feel good) I am just itching for something different. I can't guarantee that I am going to do what the "most votes" dictates, but I am curious what you think. Please take 3 seconds and take this anonymous poll. You can vote twice, once for your #1 favorite, and again for your #2 favorite, and leave me comments if you have any other suggestions. I don't know if it will be a big change, or just a little one, but I just need something different. Please disregard the styles of the hair and the hideous picture that I took at myself late at night. I am looking so PALE FACED these days! I am really just trying to figure out a new color that won't wash me out, but also won't be too high of maintenance.

AB

C

D

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Thanks for your help. If you want to try on some different hairstyles yourself, you can go HERE. Just watch out, it's a bit addictive!

Recovery

And we're home. Again. For the third time. Three hospital stays in three weeks, with only about 5 days at home during that time. And I won't lie. I smell awful. I really need a shower! This last visit turned into 4 days (instead of 24 hours) but we are glad, because Kalia got 10 doses of an IV antibiotic, and now she's home and doesn't have to be on anything. But that's why I smell bad. I haven't showered since Saturday. Gross! (TMI?) Anyway, our new Dr. came to check on her every day, and we'll see him again on Thursday to make sure everything is healed properly. This morning, at the hospital, I thought I saw a tiny bit of pus in one spot of the wound- the spot where the drain was. (It fell out on it's own, about 24 hours after it was put in.) So that was the only spot left "open" and the Dr. has been a little worried about it. The Dr. thought it looked well enough to go home though, so we are just PRAYING for that infection to stay away so we can be DONE with this ordeal!

Last night Kalia was so tired of her hospital bed. She fell asleep on the couch instead, and then we moved her over to the bed, where I slept next to her (I still didn't get any sleep. There's no real rest in a hospital. However, I DID get 10.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep the night before when I went home to an empty house. It was glorious.)

Now that we're home, I'm dealing with the aftermath:
Coupons to collect,
Hospital bags to unpack, AGAIN,A disgusting fridge, with every nook and cranny filled with leftovers, rotting food, and hopefully something still fresh in there,
Dishes to return to all the wonderful people who brought us meals, (these are the clean ones! About twice as many still to wash...)
And this little bum to take care of: It's loo!king pretty good, all things considered~ I think the majority of the redness that you see is scarring from the first set of (infected) sutures, and it will probably go away. The problematic spot is the bottom scabby area, and the Dr. said it should be sealed off and totally closed by now. We'll keep the Neosporin on it though.

I did find out that Dr. Schmelzer recently joined the staff at the hospital, and that he used to work in northern utah at Primary Children's, Utah Valley hospital, and the LDS hospital. Awesome huh? I don't know if he is LDS, but it doesn't matter. He is the bomb.
There's nothing like strawberries and homemade whipping cream. Mmmm...

p.s. I am going to miss Kalia asking every day if she can go ride the "Elf-a-gator" :)

Together for a minute...

My mom wanted to see what the Wound Vac looks like. The right side is a canister that collects the drainage that is constantly sucked out. It looks weird because the gel deoderizer broke and scattered all these little granules. But people with a ton of drainage will fill these up repeatedly. Kalia had very little drainage. And the machine she was on in the hospital was about 3 times as big, this is the portable home version. It fit perfectly in her little backpack.
Annie is happy to BE HOME and have her sister home.
Here's a couple pictures of our 2 days together. It was just fun to have a semi-normal day, even though I had to follow Kalia around and constantly check the machine to make sure it hadn't turned off, or wind up the tubing, so she wouldn't trip on it, or reinforce the seal with tape...still though. Happy days. (The best part was that on Day 2 Kalia was brave enough to go back to using the potty. Whew!)



But now it's Friday night...and you'll never guess where we are! Okay, too easy, you're right. Back in the hospital. It feels like a second home. This is a great sign of progress though.

Here's what happened: Kalia did great with the wound vac. She was in very little pain. We spent most of the beautiful Thursday outside, and we didn't take it for granted (for once.) As you can see from the video clips at the bottom of this post, we had a wonderful day. Kalia's been carrying her wound vac around in the little blue backpack.

Early Friday morning I took her back to the hospital for an outpatient surgery, which was really just the dressing change with anesthesia. I thought we'd be doing this twice a week for 2-3 weeks.

Oh yeah, and the new doctor that we would be seeing, Dr. Schmelzer (fun to say) came to meet us. I liked him right off the bat. He only does pediatric plastic surgery, he was totally on the ball, he explained everything to me, let me ask questions, he drew me pictures, even asked if I was "on board" with his plan-- everything you want a doctor to do. I was SO happy to have this guy.

The Wound Nurse, who did Kalia's dressing change on Tuesday, told us that the wound was healing so fast that she almost didn't think she'd need the wound vac (this was on Tuesday.) She showed me how deep the "deepest" laceration was, and it was down to about A CENTIMETER. Isn't that unbelievable? You guys saw the pics...you know how deep they were. Anyway, Dr. S. was also very concerned about the scary antibiotic Kalia was on (he said, "We try never to give that to kids" and so he created a new plan:

He would take her into the O.R. instead of the Outpatient room, and clean everything up, and if it looked healthy and strong enough, he would just close her up, and leave a little hole with a rubber little straw thing in it, to drain out any possible infection. He would also put her on a different (better) I.V. antibiotic for the 24-48 hours that she'll be there.

He did just that. It was her longest surgery yet- almost 2 hours. Since then, she has been in the most pain she's ever been in, poor thing. We had to bring our friend Morphine back into play. Dr. S. said he had to cut away some dead tissue to promote better healing. He thought it looked really good. He stitched her up really well (I'll take a picture later) but I have to say, it looks a lot better than what Dr. Pham did. He left the drain in case infection sets in again (he says there's about a 10% chance). That's why they are keeping her 24-48 hours.

So here's to an AWESOME NEW DOCTOR and hopefully our LAST HOSPITAL STAY FOR A LONNNNNGGGG TIME!!!!
P.S. I threw in a video of Annie saying a few words. She's become a little parrot and it cracks us up. This is for you Grandma Karen!

There's No Place Like Home- PART 5

If you're just barely joining us, you might want to get caught up on the crazy happenings of the past 2 weeks, and the story starts HERE

And now...we'll start with a few pics:
Monday: Kalia was getting increasingly restless. A surprise delivery from her cousins Emmy and Annie made her day. She loved her pink frog and the balloon.

I was so totally and completely wiped out on Monday night...and completely at the end of my rope (and my patience.) I watched the Bachelor Finale from Kalia's bed. Kalia obviously wasn't that into it, and finally fell asleep for the night. What a relief to have her STILL.
Tuesday: Tired of watching TV in her bed...she spent most of the day in the wagon. I took her on many trips around the halls and even up and down the elevators. She had her wound vac dressing changed out (the seal was very weak and poopy diapers were causing problems). They found an antibiotic for her to go home on, one that has several bad side effects, and is not usually given to children, but it was basically the only option to make sure her infection disappears for good.
Tuesday afternoon: Half-way buckled into her seat, sitting on a soft pillow to make it home. (Still hurts her a lot to sit on anything.)

1. We are home! Just in time. I was really feeling emotionally drained.
2. Kalia's antibiotic is so rare (called Cipro) that I had to call 14 pharmacies to find someone who carried it.
3. One of the pharmacies told me, "They don't even make that in such a high strength."
4. He was wrong. I drove 55 minutes to pick it up somewhere else.
5. Kalia is carrying her Wound Vac around everywhere she goes.
6. She is not being very careful with it. (I'll post a picture of it next time.)
7. My sister's newborn has been in the hospital for 12 days with RSV. (in Utah)
8. He got to go home Tuesday too!
9. Kalia has only thrown about 5 tantrums in her life.
10. Two of them were on Monday, one in front of each doctor.
11. They were HUGE tantrums! Poor kid was at the end of her rope too.
12. I think that helped them recognize that she really needed to get outta there.
13. We finally had enough of Dr. Pham.
14. We talked to some "higher up" people who arranged for us to see a new plastic surgeon from here on out.
15. He's specifically for pediatric plastic surgery. (YAY!)
16. We take Kalia back to the hospital twice a week for dressing changes.
17. It will involve anesthesia every time, but that will be for the best.
18. She is not taking any pain medicine at all right now.
19. Annie is still at my in-laws house. We let them have her for one more night.
20. They don't want to give her back.

:)
And finally, if you haven't read the awesome talk on trials in the March Ensign...you definitely should. I know everyone has to go through trials. Some are long and drawn out, some are quick and painful, and some of them are born quietly, not so much for public display on a blog. As Hymn #220 says, "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." I am so thankful for the love, support, and prayers that we've received as a result of this blog and facebook. I wish I could adequately express what a difference it has made as we've struggled through everything. I hope I can love and support some of you as you face trials that will surely come your way. When they do, I promise you that you can get through it, although often it will require heavenly help, and strength beyond your own. I've felt that so much these last two weeks. I've felt nearer to God than I have in a long time. He didn't leave us alone

Here are a few of the best quotes from that Ensign article. I hope they will help all of you. They really touched my heart.

Apostle Orson F. Whitney (1855–1931) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, explained: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explains that God loves us perfectly and “would not require [us] to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for [our] personal benefit or for that of those [we] love.”5

President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) once remarked: “Sometimes when [we] are going through the most severe tests, [we] will be nearer to God than [we] have any idea.”6

I second all of those things.
Much love to all of you wonderful blog readers.