Insidious (Review)

Insidious

Insidious (2011)
Directed by James Wan

Well I'm pretty late with a review for this. Part of the reason why I didn't watch this initially in theaters or on DVD was the overhype. It's on a bunch of best of lists and it's currently fresh on Rotten Tomatoes so I figure I'd give it a chance.

In any case, if you still want a review here you go. I'm going to make this quick as I know most of you have already seen it. Insidious is definitely a mixed bag for me but it definitely is slightly above average. With Insidious, James Wan amps up the traditional haunted house, flips it inside out, inserts twizzler twists and creates a genuine mythos based on extrasensory perception.

These are all awesome things and 3/4 of Insidious had me intrigued. It's when we are pushed into the boundaries of the ethereal plain and LITERALLY see the sight beyond sight called "The Further" does it all turn into a piling heap of doo doo. There are qualities of Insidious that call out "Poltergeist me!" and will always be in the back of the horror hound's mind. We see ghost/demon infiltration and we think Poltergeist...it's kinda not hard to. For all it's cheesiness, Poltergeist did it first (or mainstreamy first) and that sets the bar fuckin high.

I won't go into the plot too much. You know it. Family moves into a nice suburban home, child goes into unknown coma, weird scary jump scares start happening and a medium is brought in with her Mulder and Scully ghost hunter crew in tow. Secrets are revealed and dream worlds are seen. Cue scary ghosts and light bulbs shattering.

Performances are all OK, but the part I liked the most was the slight explanation of the phenomenon. It kind of made sense in an odd way. There hasn't been a mainstream feature film about astral projection and that should make Time Life Books proud. The old lady medium adds a flair as do the ghost busters with their PKE Meters and science gizmos. Even the initial mythos of The Further was pretty original and creative. The seance is one of the best scenes in the entire movie. I was hooked and I had this hovering around 3 and 1/2 spins, then.....

It's when you finally see the apparitions does it all look cheesy. Ghosts in bridesmaid dresses, ghosts in suits, ghosts with red war paint. The dreamworld is just our world with more tint. Why is that? Wan clearly could have figured out a way to make something unique. Even the fights between our hero father were a bit contrived.

For all that WTF, Insidious did ooze of originality and a millennial throwback to that traditional ghost story. Having seen The Innkeepers before seeing Insidious, I have a different perspective on how the generic ghost/haunted house movie can be warped into something fun and awesome. Sometimes, NOT seeing things makes the best believing. Insidious hovers like an apparition bent on wreaking havoc but in this case, only knocks a lamp over and unhinges a few picture frames.

Clearly that wasn't enough to scare me at all.

Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, american horror, demons, dream ending, ghost stories, ghosts, insidious, saw

The Collector (Review)

The Collector

The Collector (2009)

Directed by Marcus Dunstan

I never liked Saw. My main gripe was it was told in flashbacks that destroyed the suspense. So all that was left was seeing how somebody died or lived through the trap.

Mind you I still watch the Saw movies even though I despise them. Why? Because it's like a bad TV show you've already watched a couple of episodes and you feel like you gotta keep watching just to see what they do next.

So going into The Collector, I expected more of the same. More traps, more flashbacks and an unstoppable killer. Well what do you know? There were traps, no flashbacks and we got an unstoppable killer.

Sigh.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

To review this in a regular way would give me a headache, so instead you get some Q&A. Deal with it.

1.) Jigsaw can be hired for house calls now? The bad economy hit him hard. So what's the deal?

OK, it's not Jigsaw but it's Jigsaw's cousin who likes Home Depot alot. Dude where's a black lucha libre mask and he likes collecting people. Yes horror minions, this dude collects people. I guess he thinks they'll go up in value in a few years.

2.) So who's our final guy? I'm betting he's Asian because Asians make good final guys.

Hmm I don't see Asian Final Guys in the slasher handbook. But no it's a regular white dude. Seems this guy needs to help his wife and uses is burglar skills to rip off some rich guy's safe. But Collector Man hits the same house. Oh fuck for non Asian Final Guy.

3.) I hear Madeline Zima plays a goody two shoes, God fearing, very devout virgin in this flick?

She plays a chain smoking slut. What did you expect?

4.) Do we get to see her boobs?

Yup. They're real and they're spectacular.

5.) I wanna discuss the traps. They seem like real traps that can be put together in a few minutes without any real skills. I mean a table from IKEA is harder to put together than these elaborate traps...right?

Hahahaha. Holy fuckin cow jaded viewers. The biggest logic issues (besides Collector Man's tendency to collect people) has gotta be how he puts these traps together. Let's go through the list shall we in a WTF list?

• He boards up all the windows with wood planks with razors attached to them (WTF!?! This would take at least 3 hours and a crew of 3...c'mon now)
• He puts nail heads on the steps (WTF!?! That's a lot of hammering)
• Acid on the floor in a room (WTF?!? Wouldn't the acid burn through the wood?)
• Like 20 Bear traps on the floor (WTF?!? Bear traps are heavy and take a long time to prensap into place)
• A scissors trap that results on a death by nails on a wall (WTF?!? Now this takes some serious levers and pulley systems...who is this guy? MacGyver?)
• Another trap which pulls a victim by the feet (WTF?!? More wires and pulley systems. Does he have MIT students helping him out?)
• Fish hooks in the shower (WTF?!? I mean seriously..this is some tedious type shit)
• Various other traps that would require a crew of 25, working 24/7 and take at least 3 months to set up

6.) So do people who seem like douchebags die? I like seeing death by douchebaggery.

Yeah some rich people get zilched so thats always a plus. A few sporadic others die.

7.) I'm a proud card carrying member of the More Gore in Gore Movies Association of America. Should I watch this? Also, can you not tell my mom that I'm a member of the MGIGMAMA.

If you love the gore, you'll see the following: Some intestinal fortitude spewage, tongue trauma, nail trauma, bear trap trauma and death by dog neck trauma, lip trauma, teeth trauma

8.) Do any little kids spew any vulgarities?

Umm no dude. This isn't Kick-Ass.

9.) So is this Collector Man as badass as Jigsaw, Jason, Freddy or Michael?

It's like this dude saw too many Saw movies and wanted to be a slasher in real life. You know a Unabomber intellect but gothy. I suspect this guy has severe mental problems and he is from Bulgaria. Also, he's fuckin fat.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

You know how these movies go. When you think you've won, shit comes out of nowhere to mess up your day. I blame inept cops and terrorists.

WTF Moment

How the fuck did he put all these traps together in like 20 minutes?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well if you're a fan of those Jigsaw traps, I guess you'll like this flick. It's got some serious wicked ones which is why it gets half a rating more than it should get. The obvious logic questions in all these Saw and The Collector type movies has gotta be this:

1. How the hell can they afford to make all these traps?
2. Is there a website where I can learn to make these awesome traps? Say deathtrapsforbeginners.com?

Well I checked, there is no such site. Sigh.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer

Categories: 2009 horror movies, 2010 horror dvd, gore, saw, splatter, splatter gore, the collector, top splatter movies, torture porn

After Dark Horrorfest 4: The Final (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of The Final.

"The best way to describe The Final is its Saw 90210. In a typical suburban high school, a group of self aware misfits and outcasted teens devise a plan (based on horror movies, oh how self aware!) to take revenge on the jocks, popular douchbags and mean girls. Inviting them to a costume party, the partygoers are drugged and when they wake up are cuffed and chained together. Suffice it say, our teen outcasts are gonna get medieval"

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: 8 films to die for, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, horrorfest, miss horrorfest, saw

Fear.net Buried Alive

Fear.net has created an online game that is part Saw part mystery. Seems like they are putting a twist in the torture porn motif. Check it out.



Buried Alive centers around a handful of 20-somethings, each unwillingly encased in a custom-made coffin. Trapped in this underground world that is ruled by a maniacal antagonist, the group must discover the connections between themselves; the reasons for their abductions; and, with luck, an escape from the nightmare. Aiding the group above ground are two sleuths, siblings Melanie and Travis, each with a secret stake tied to the victims' fates. The detectives--and the viewers of BURIED ALIVE--can piece together information gleaned from found footage and online diaries hidden on the Web, in the ultimate race against time to unravel the mystery and discover the locations of the buried coffins before time runs out. This innovative daily series will feature a new two-minute episode premiering each morning at 10:00 AM EST--so check daily for new clues.

Categories: buried alive, fear.net buried alive, online mystery game, saw, torture porn