Confessions of an Put Upon Housewife

I feel like everything gets dumped on me during the holidays. I do all the cooking and cleaning and no one offers to help – even house guests don’t seem to notice that I am doing it all. I am starting to dread the holidays. How can I stop this misery?

                                                                                                       Miss Martyr 

Dear Miss Martyr,

Melissa Says:

When we first got married I was so annoyed that my charming husband never made the bed... and then one day I realized he didn't care if it was made or not.  And I never did other things that he always did-- because they weren't my priority.  Maybe this is applicable to the holidays? Are you doing things that are important to you or are you doing things that you think are important to other people... and if it is the second, are you finding joy in that? If so, remind yourself of why you do it. If not. Change. You are in control. Make assignments. Ask for help. Order Take out and skip the homemade everything that causes stress not joy.  

Robin Says:

In a family you can't wait for people to offer help. You have to ask- nearly every time. Get used to it. When this happens to me it is because I have failed to ask for help. I assume that everyone notices me working myself to death and chooses to ignore it. But when I ask for help I get it! It's like magic! Try it!

Sally Says:

Two words: CHORE CHART.

Hosting everyone without a chore chart will make you a bitter old lady.

This is how you do it:

• Get your husband on-board in advance, and anyone else that you talk to frequently (mother-in-law, sisters, etc)
• Think of every task that needs to be completed during your houseguests' visit
• Don't forget housekeeping, meals, dishes, laundry, etc.
• Make a chart and make it cheerful. I use a cute font, and phrases like "Our Family is AWESOME!". Cheesy but cheerful.
• Assign tasks based on ability, timing, fairness
• Explain how much you love having everyone there and how this will make the holiday run smoothly
• Post that chart everywhere!
• Ask someone else to be the enforcer (Husband or brother/in-law are good choices)

I have told friends about this and they acted shocked that I would do this. Why so shocked? Why not do this? I can tell you so many stories of times when the chore chart pre-empted family conflict and/or feelings of martyrdom. 

Kristen Says:

Go to Cracker Barrel!  Oh, you thought I was joking?  Okay... in short, ASK FOR HELP.  Make assignments.  Send out an email asking everyone to sign up to bring two (or more) things, and provide a list.   Include things like butter, condiments, serving dishes, linens, etc.  Ask two people to come the day before to help set the table, and assign  a clean-up crew list.  For general holiday stuff, same thing.  ASK for help.  Tell your husband/kids/houseguests that on Tuesday night from 8:00-10:00 it is wrap presents time, or make holiday candy time, or whatever, and have everyone pitch in.  Make it easy for guests to help by keeping a list of things to be done, and providing them with washer/dryer, dishwasher, and access to the broom/mop/vacuum.  Just ask.

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Is there something bugging you? Email us with a question and see if we can help! 

BossyHelp@gmail.com

Kissing Up to the Teacher

What are some easy, low-cost, low time intensive ways to kiss up to my kids' teachers? I know it's important to have a positive relationship with them, but I am maxed out with my life and don't have time to volunteer, chat after class, etc.

- Needing to compensate in California

Melissa Says:


I work at doing something tangible every month to thank the teachers in addition to the phone calls. September it is usually a nice red apple and some homemade caramel for dipping. October something chocolatey... November we write Thank you notes (which probably are more appreciated than all the goodies combined),  you get the idea. Here are a few of my favorite simple ideas, stolen from other bloggers of course. :) I like these because they are clever and cheap,     and this blogger  made cute printable tags.  The last thing I do is try to send in a batch of glue sticks or a few boxes of kleenex at random times.  It is amazing how quickly 20 pre-K kids can blow through 100 gluesticks!  ( I totally stock up in August--- like, I buy hundreds when they are cheap!) 


Sally Says:
I struggle with this too. Give lots of compliments. I email them a compliment when I see something I like (a particular assignment, or a comment from my child about class). I also sometimes email the principal to tell her how great the teacher is, how great the year is going--I'm pretty sure that email gets forwarded on to the teacher, or the principal mentions it. I guess I'm the email compliment mom.

Kristen Says:
I think a simple thank you card is about as good as it gets.  A message left on their voicemail telling them how much Suzy loved the field trip and how grateful you are for all their hard work is awesome too.  As a teacher, it seems you get a lot of communication when things aren't going so well and when there are complaints.  One other thing, make sure your child smells good.  Seriously, teeth should be brushed (at every age), and if they wet the bed, take the time for a proper bath or shower.  It is hard to kneel next to a child and answer their important questions when they stink of urine or bad breath.

Robin Says:
I like Sally's idea of emailing the principal - but I would forward a copy of the email to the teacher. If money isn't an issue I like giving Starbucks Gift Cards. You can give $5 for just one cup or $20 - depending on how much you are trying to ingratiate yourself.

Marriage Falling Apart

"I'm going through a really difficult separation, but I've only told a few people. The problem is that none of my other friends know and I feel like I'm lying to them when they ask what's new or how I'm doing. I don't know if things will work out with my husband, but in case they do, I don't want to create any perceptions or judgements with our couple friends that might make things awkward should we get back together. Should I tell them anyway?"

Hurt and Worried in Idaho

Kristen says:

I went through a similar thing and told very few people.  In hindsight, I wish I'd told a few more people, because I could have used the support.  I am, however, so grateful that I didn't share details, because it has made it easier for me, my children, and my ex to move forward.  I admire your desire not to foster negative judgment from others, but it is okay to tell a few friends who you know you can trust.  You are not lying to anyone, and it is nobody else's business. I told one friend everything, details and all, and she still invited both me and my ex over for dinner several times.  I appreciated her not shunning him as I tried to make some important decisions.  If you have a friend like that you will want them by your side.  If you want something to tell more casual friends try practicing what you think the perfect response is.  When people said something awkward or when someone figured out things weren't quite right, I said, "Bill and I are separated right now and trying to figure things out".  If they wanted more details (and I was surprised how many people openly asked for details) I simply said, "We've decided to keep the details private.  It's better for us and for our kids".  Also, your church leader can be a help, as well as a professional counselor. 

Good luck to you. 

Robin Says:

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have a friend who is recently divorced. She needed to tell lots of people about it in order to cope. I think her openness helped those around her be aware of her needs and get more involved with helping her. Not everyone would handle it this way but it worked for her and she has a large network of friends to support her in a very difficult time. Most people will ask out of concern for you. You can tell them what you need without telling them all the painful details.






Melissa Says:


I love the idea of keeping other peoples names safe. I think that is what you are doing and while it might be really difficult right now, I doubt you will regret it.






Sally Says:


What a difficult situation. You definitely need a good friend you can talk to. You need a lot of support, but your reasons for hesitating are understandable. With your other friends, maybe you could just tell them "husband and I are going through a rough patch at the moment, I'd rather not talk about it, but I've been better". Something like that. You don't owe an explanation to anyone, but it can be exhausting to try to keep a happy face and keep up appearances when you are going through something so hard.

How Messy Is Too Messy?

How do I keep my house clean throughout the day with a 1.5 year old? Is it even worth it? Somehow things (balls, hair dryers, tupperware, cars, toys) just end up strewn around the house. I do damage control but it doesn't really get cleaned up until he goes to bed. I am torn between having a clean house and spending time playing with my son. Am I being too one sided if my house is a bit messy during the day? Is it OK to let him make a mess for fun? I want to teach him to clean up toys before moving onto a new activity, but is he too young?

Thanks bossy ladies:)Erin in Florida

Robin Says

My rule is "If it smells clean it is clean". So I usually let it get messy and use what ever fresh scent I can find (Scentsy is great for this and I like Pima Cotton combined with Spring Clean). You still have to step over piles of stuff, can't find what you need, and might trip and stumble in the dark. But if it smells good, I'm ok.

I think a little mess is fine. And I think leaving a mess while you do something else is fine. Messes don't bug me. However, if you are bothered by them you probably will be happier if they are picked up and you will be doing your child a big favor to teach him how to clean up after himself. I wish I had done that better.

Melissa Says:

My kids are 3,5,7,9, and 11. I can hardly remember life before toys spread from Hell to Breakfast. I still haven't mastered teaching my kids to clean one thing up before launching into another activity, but they are pro's at the 15 minute clean the house. We make it a point to clean up a few times a day (before lunch, before naps, before dinner and before bedtime.) I think it also helps to have the "put away" be manageable--- back when I insisted the board books be categorized by author it was much more painful for all of us, boy have I let go of some control issues! A basket in every room for a quick gather is really helpful.( But, I hold to the idea that separating toys (ie: cars in a basket, blocks, pretend food) is a good skill to develop!)

Kristen Says:

You asked several questions, but I want to start with the last. Your 1.5 year old is at a perfect age to teach him to clean up before playing with something else. This might mean every now and then during the day you sing a "clean-up" song with him and make a game out of putting the toys away. Make sure you have an easy way to clean-up (toy box, toy cubby, etc). On to the other questions, of course it's okay to let your house be a little cluttered/messy. In fact, with children of any age it is expected (and if you are spending the non-cleaning time with your kiddos then I think it is something to be complimented). Clutter is very different than dirty, and can generally be tidied up in a short time frame. I would schedule your deeper cleaning chores so each day you have one or two things to do, leaving you with ample play-time with your son. Enjoy him because the time flies and soon he'll be out on his own and you will long for the days of cars, Tupperware, and a happy child running around.

Sally Says:Are you sure you're asking the right people? I don't think any of us bossy sisters are legendary for our incredible housekeeping skills. However, we do have happy kids. I agree with my sisters that this is a good time to teach "putting away" skills. At the same time, I will always pick enjoying my children over having a spotless house. I think getting the toys put away once or twice a day is fantastic.

And yes, it is definitely okay to let him make a mess just for fun. That is learning time for him. Tupperware is apparently fascinating for all toddlers, as are pots and pans and anything else that is not officially a toy. And when you are ready for the mess to be gone, you can put on some great music and he can "help" and show you his sweet dance moves while you finish putting it all away. I bet your house is a warm and welcoming place with lots of love, Erin!


Emily Says:
Keeping a clean house has always been a challenge for me because I love a clean house and I hate to spend my time cleaning. I've noticed that if I try to keep the house looking spic-and-span throughout the entire day, it makes me GRUMPY! It ends up consuming all of my time, and I get nothing else done, and everything any one else does just undoes all my cleaning. Argh!
I'm more inclined to think this way:1. It's temporary, he'll grow up and his messes will change--being more contained to the "toy room." Plus when you ask him to put his toys away he'll be better at doing it. I've found that to be true with my 3 and 5 yr old who are older now.2. If I keep the house clean (clean kitchen, tidy family room, etc.) then toys don't bother me. Picking them up is quick.3. I do a quick pick up twice a day: Once after toddler is down for a nap (s/he can help for a minute or two before nap) so that I can enjoy it for an hour or so, and again when toddler has gone to bed for the night so that husband and I can enjoy it (OR--maybe right before spouse gets home from work and dinner begins? But honestly, that is a hard and busy time of day for me...). But even then I don't always do it. Sometimes it is just more important to do other things instead (like take a nap, or email my sisters).


The good thing is that I know that fundamentally I am not a messy gross person, and so a messy house only stays messy for a little while, and it will always get cleaned and picked up. I (and my spouse) can handle a mess for only so long.

Social Needs!

"I get so caught up with working, being a mom, and taking care of the house that I have completely let my social life disappear. I have friends, but not best friends, and I don't even know how to start creating a social life. How do I do that?"




Kristen Says: 

As a recently divorced single mom I can relate!  What I have begun to do regularly and it seems to be working, is putting a few nights/days on the calendar each month that are just for me.  I fill those times in a variety of ways.  I recently joined a book club - yay for books!  I also joined a group for women who are going through a transition in their lives.  I have had a few parties (not sales parties) including a game night, a pool "pity party", and last Halloween a "Witches Party".  The key is to decide what you are capable of and then schedule the time to do it.  If you have a few friends that you can confide in, let them know that you need more social time, and would they like to get together for lunch or a game night.  Pretty soon you will find that you are starting to do more and feeling happier in the process.

By the way, I found the Women in Transition group through meetup.com.  It is a national site with meetup groups for all interests and all groups of people in cities all across the U.S.  There are meetup groups for people who like to dine out, who like to exercise, garden, singles, travelers, you name it.  Check it out in your city.

Emily Says:

See our old post about starting a bookclub!

You have to be a friend, to have a friend.

Try doing a variety of things:

How about a lunch date with a handful of women your age? This is a casual setting to get to know people better. Make it a once monthly thing, and be sure that everyone knows they can invite whoever they want (if you want to avoid hurt feelings and get to know a lot of women). Call it your Lunch Bunch. It can be a group of women from work, church, school, the neighborhood, etc.

Or, decide (if you're married, include your husband) that every Sunday evening you're going to have a different friend/family over for an ice cream sundaes, so that you can get to know people better. Make it a regular thing, and don't stress about having a clean house. Ice cream sundaes are easy because you don't have to bake or cook anything, and you can buy it in advance. Eat outside for easy cleanup, or if the house is dirty. During cold weather, invite them over for cocoa or frozen hot chocolate (put a scoop of vanilla or peppermint ice cream in a cup of cocoa). Play an icebreaker game (that's another post for another day).

Check out the local theater and see if there are any Broadway shows or musicians you want to see, or the local cheap movie theater. Go with some women who you want to get to know better, and make an evening out of it. To save money, go to someone's house afterward for tea (I drink herbal) or cookies or dessert, or a light snack like air popped popcorn. Play a simple card game like uno, spoono, speed, BS, etc.

Decide how many times each month you're willing to organize something social, and stick to it. Even if turn out is poor, keep at it. People will catch on, it may take some time. I've had the experience where only 1 person showed up. It was so disappointing. I kept at it, and awhile later I had a full house, and that was so fun!

Check out the local library, coffee shop, or bakery for community events that might help you to meet people you share interests with.

Think small, don't overwhelm yourself with it. Making new friends takes time and energy, but it is worth it. Be ready to serve and help others. If you find yourself in a relationship that is draining, where you give and give, and the other person just takes and takes, then you'll need to wean yourself from that relationship (make yourself busy, unavailable, while still being friendly).

Sally Says: 

First of all, you are not alone! Being a mother, and a working mother at that, can be very isolating. If you are hoping to meet new friends, consider people at work, your neighbors, people at church, people at your child's school or daycare. When you are meeting new people, smile a lot and ask them all about themselves. That way you will know if they are good friend material. Plus they will like you--most people like others who are interested in them!

You could make a list of 6 women that you would like to develop close friendships with. Then schedule events--lunch, dinner, playdate, pedicure.  I use Google calendar to help me with this, because I really struggle with it too. I have recurring "meetings" in my calendar (every two weeks, monthly, etc) that remind me to call so-and-so, check my friend's private blogs, text someone specific, set up a time to see grandma, etc. Also, if I know something is coming up, like a friend is having her 20-week ultrasound, I try to put the day in my calendar so I get a little pop-up reminder and I can call or text her and ask how it went. Those kinds of communication are what moves a friend to become a best friend. It sounds so cheesy, but I think the best way to make a good friend is to be a good friend.

Robin Says:

Women need women. But just because you need someone doesn't mean that it is easy to find them! The bossy girls have given you some top notch advice! I bet your church has a women's group. That is where I find most of my friendships. I've also made some great friends in the neighborhood just by inviting them to lunch!

To Our Dear Readers!

Thanks for your questions! We would love to boss you around some more so send us your most urgent, or not so urgent concern and let us fix it for you. Email them to bossyhelp@gmail.com.

Slap Happy

My kids fight a lot lately. The other day I heard one of my children slapping/hitting the other child from the other room, a repeated "Slap slap slap slap" of skin on skin, and it really disturbed me. They are not aggressive kids, but the level of annoyance with each other has reached a peak. I think it is because the older child goes to school all day while the younger one stays home, and then when big sister gets home from school, little brother wants to play! But big sister is exhausted physically and emotionally from being in school for 6.5 hours and wants to be left alone. So little brother pesters, and big sister gets mad. And then the arguing begins, sometimes at low levels, sometimes in aggressive behavior.

What can I do to stop this?

Slap Happy in Ohio 

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Kristen Says:

I never really allowed my kids to fight, not that they never did, but they learned to handle conflict in other ways.  When my kids fought they had to sit on the couch holding hands and taking turns saying, "I love you" until they were both laughing.  It never took long and they ended up happy. 

One thing you can try to prevent it in the first place is to have something to keep little brother occupied for the first 15 minutes when big sister gets home.  You could also role play with both of them an appropriate way to respond when someone is "in their space."  Maybe they could practice saying and acting out something like this; Big Sister: "Little Brother, I need a little time by myself right now.  Can I play with you in 10 minutes?"  Little Brother: "Okay, I will wait in the playroom."  In this way, they learn skills to address this type of situation in the future.

Emily Says:

To Stop This Behavior: Tell them you're going to take them outside and nail them upside down to the fence. My dad used to say that, and I think it worked for me.  Or, actually, I think it made me cry (ha ha!) which is just another problem to deal with. :)

Sally Says:

You probably already have a good after-school routine, but maybe there is a way to give big sister some downtime immediately after school, perhaps she can drink a small smoothie in her bedroom and listen to music, while you give little brother undivided attention in another room for 10 minutes, so he feels loved and she feels calmed? I think it always helps to have a clear routine so they both know what to expect every day.

Also, music! Music is so powerful. Maybe you should make a playlist for after school. The kids can have a routine of sitting in the family room, looking at books, for the first two (calm) songs, and then after that the music gets more upbeat and they can share their books with each other, play with toys, dance, whatever.

My best days are when the youngest or youngest two are napping when the oldest gets home. That way I can have time to process the day with the oldest child and get his needs met before the younger siblings enter the scene. But it's hard to engineer the nap/carpool/etc schedules.

Robin Says:

This is normal. Kids fight. They always have and they always will. One thing that doesn't work is yelling at them to stop fighting. I tried that over and over and it just doesn't work. Punishing them for fighting doesn't help either. Avoid getting looped into their fight as the mediator or referee. Make them work it out without your help. They will learn important negotiation skills. When my kids would fight I would ignore their claims of who started what (that really doesn't matter at all) and separate them. Then I would give them another chance to play nice and they usually would - but sometimes they needed longer separation. And you probably need a separation too!

Quick! What is for dinner?

It's hard to know so much! So, once a week we will post a question from a reader, and then do our very best to tell you what to do.


You may not see a response from each sister because sometimes we say the same things. We hope you enjoy this new focus of our blog. If you have a question for us send it to bossyhelp@gmail.com. This question just came in last week!

I'm not a cook, I don't have a lot of time- but I want to feed my 2 year old healthy meals- healthy QUICK meals. So far I've mastered scrambled eggs, grilled chicken in a variety of forms, minestrone soup or bbq chicken in a crockpot, and a variety of frozen pizzas and lazagnas. What can I cook my family quickly, and what are a good backup 'fast food' options for toddlers beyond apples, hotdogs and cheese?

EMILY SAID:

Good question.

First of all, have you seen Robin's recent post at http://leantowardthesun.blogspot.com/2010/10/you-are-in-charge.html ? It is great.

Second of all, I have similar posts at: http://www.vegetablecarnival.com/category/kids-and-food

But here is my short answer: like Robin has said on her blog, YOU'RE in charge.

Easy foods my kids like:
-HUMUS!  For dipping crackers, bread, veggies, etc. This is awesome because it is packed with protein, and so yummy.
-convenience fruits (bananas, apples, grapes, clementines, pears, nectarines, peaches, strawberries--buy organic berries if you can as pesticides are concentrated in their seeds)
-Fruit that needs to be cut up first, but really--this is EASY to do: melons of all kinds, pineapple, watermelon
-Canned foods that are easy and nutritious: (get low sodium) Beans, beans, beans, black beans, brown beans, white beans, green beans. That is easy, just open a can of beans, drain, rinse is optional, and eat.
-Other canned foods: stewed, diced tomatoes (my kids love them plain), corn, carrots (younger kids like these more than older kids it seems), beets (I'm not kidding), etc. Just walk down the canned goods isle and buy a few to try.
-Edemame/ soy beans (freezer section, or fresh from the grocery sushi bar)
-guacamole dip

Veggies:
-carrot sticks, the mini mini ones, easier for small mouths to crunch and chew
-sugar snap peas
-frozen peas straight from the freezer
-tomatoes (my kids love fresh ones, plain, any variety, cherry, grape, regular, whatever)
-celery with peanut butter
-broccoli
-sweet potatoes (slice them into strips, bake until tender, sprinkle cinnamon on top)

-mushrooms (I'm not kidding when I say that Ruby loves them. She'll say, "YUCK!" and then we say, "But you love these!" and then she says, "I do?" and then she gobbles them up--it's a sort of game we play I guess)

Frozen Veggies:
-buy several bags to keep in your freezer, and pop them into the microwave. Buy a good variety, and avoid the ones with "butter sauces". My favorite seasoning for microwaved veggies is Dill Weed. It is savory and delicious. Also, we like the Mrs. Dash table blend. SO yummy.

Grains:

-Whole Wheat Pita
-Whole Grain Tortillas (watch out for fats, read the label, go with a shorter ingredient list with recognizable ingredients, favor a higher fat choice over a choice that has lots of chemical sounding ingredients--like the FLAT OUT wraps are NASTY! and have all kinds of yucky ingredients to make them soft and low fat, but they taste like plastic chemicals)
-whole grain rice
-whole wheat bread

Take the pita, cut it in half, stick it in the toaster, when it pops up, break it into pita chips, and dip in guacamole or humus or peanut butter.

There are just a few ideas to get you started.  It doesn't have to be hard. Think: fruits, veggies and grains that are simple and can be eaten just as they are. Think peanut butter and other dips like humus and guacamole.

Your child will resist at first, but YOU ARE IN CHARGE. If you have other junk OUT of the house, then eventually your child will get hungry enough to give in and try this other food. After about 2 weeks of being consistent, you will be surprised at how much better and how much more your child will eat healthy food.

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SALLY SAID:
It has taken me about 8 years to figure out what is for dinner, and I still struggle with it! But I have found many things that work for me. Here are a few thoughts about healthy quick meals.

1. Your plate should be colorful and as full of whole foods as possible. Think carefully about nutrition: you are probably the only person who will care about nutrition for your child and yourself.

2. Quick: convenience foods are wonderful! If you can justify the expense and find relatively healthy options, they are a great resource. Favorites at our house include:

• frozen potstickers (#1 favorite of the kids, toddlers included),
• frozen ravioli,
• frozen meatballs (it's hard to find healthy ones),
• deli salads with lots of toppings (one large prepared salad from a good deli is usually good to feed 2-3 people if it's a side dish).
• Canned soups (don't forget to buy low sodium if you can) and add an extra can of beans;
• frozen meals that you can add to (Trader Joe's has a frozen channa masala that I love and I put it in a pot with 2 more cans of chickpeas, drained, heat it up, Yum).

My favorite convenient and healthy food for toddlers is canned beans. Black beans are most popular here, but all beans are welcome.

Also convenient: restaurant take-out. There is a mediterranean restaurant here that has a family meal deal, it includes 2 rotisserie chickens and 4 huge side dishes (hummus, greek salad, tabouli, etc) and that meal will feed us for at least 2 meals. It's not a cheap as cooking from scratch but we probably do this at least monthly. Another option: just order 1 main dish and add your salad and sides at home. 
 

Convenience foods inlcude side dishes as well.

• Pre-washed veggies (sugar snap peas, prepared broccoli and/or cauliflower, celery sticks, etc) make easy side dishes. Your broccoli can steam while you get the table set, it is so fast and easy.
• Bagged salads are great, but you have to remember to eat them!
• Toddlers usually like dips, so you can try mixing a little ranch dressing with some sour cream, or making the hummus recipe on Emily or Robin's blogs, and hand the toddler some cucumber slices or celery sticks to munch on.
• Side dishes do not need to be "made", IMO. A side dish is where you can just put a "whole food" on a plate and call it good! Like a sliced apple, some peas, carrots (not cooked), and cucumber.
• Warm up a can of black beans and mix in a 1/4 cup of salsa. Yum. That is a colorful plate full of whole foods.

One more convenience food: fruit. Many fruits come in their own easy wrapper (oranges) and fruits make a great side dish or dessert. One of my children's favorite dessert or after-school treat is a huge bowl of frozen blueberries. We buy them at Costco because we go through quite a lot.

3. Quick but made by you:

• Breakfast burritos (scrambled eggs with a little cheese and/or salsa, sour cream in a burrito) for dinner. We love these.
• Quesadillas with beans, lots of salad on the side.
• Tacos--I usually use beans for filling rather than meat.
• Couscous, it is so easy and Near East has such delicious flavors.
• Polenta as a main or side. It is great layered with red sauce that has veggies in it (like chopped spinach and cooked zucchini). If you make the polenta from scratch it isn't quick, but you can buy it premade and slice it, or make it on Sunday and stick it in the fridge

4. Plate composition: you specifically asked for healthy, so here is my thinking about healthy. Your plate really should be at least half vegetable. At least, and in fact it can be all vegetable. And that goes for your kid(s) too.

1. I try to put veggies on the table to eat before we bless the meal and start our "dinner". The veggies include cherry tomatoes, sugar snap peas when in season, celery sticks, cucumber sticks or slices.
2. Then, with dinner, I dish up the plates and put about 1/3 of the plate entree, the rest salad/veg/fruit/bean/whole grain.
3. I often hold the fruit (grapes, strawberries, apples, whatever) in a separate dish and they need to eat the main stuff before they get the fruit or bread.

Also on the topic of the plate: sometimes I try to make the food in the shape of silly faces. (Hence the pictures.) It is really amazing how they eat every last thing when I do this. I keep adding new noses and other parts to their plates.

Just like everything else, the more you practice, the better you get! I really encourage you to plan out your meals 2 weeks at a time. Doesn't have to be perfect, but if you at least have an idea of what is in your fridge/freezer and when you are going to eat it, it will definitely reduce the panic factor. Good luck! Maybe you can come back and guest blog on this topic in a year!

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Robin Says:
I have a friend who lets her baby teeth on veggies. Of course mom is always there supervising and making sure baby (named Crew) is safe. He cheerfully gums tomatos, sweet peppers, carrots, cucumber slices, and zuchinni. I think this is a brilliant idea - he develops a taste for vegetables rather than cookies. She is such a smart mommy!

My kids always love open faced peanut butter sandwiches with faces made out of bananas, grapes, and raisins. I used whole wheat bread. It was a hit everytime.

Also, try quinoa (keen-wah). Any place you use rice, potatoes, or couscous try quinoa instead. It is super easy to make, cheap, nutritious, and loaded with protein. We love it,.
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Thanks for the excellent question! Keep those questions coming Bossyhelp@gmail.com

It's Hard To Know So Much

We've gone back through the Bossy mail bag and found several questions that we never answered. Why didn't we answer them? We were too busy telling other people what to do. But now, we are focused on those questions. Once a week we will post a question and then do our very best to tell you what to do. 

You may not hear from each sister because sometimes we say the same things (this week I said nearly the same thing as Sally). We hope you enjoy the new focus of our blog. If you have a question for us send it to bossyhelp@gmail.com.

It's hard to know so much. We can't help that we have all the answers. 

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"How do I tell someone that because of their comments I feel like they are judging my children overly harshly and also me, as an indication of my parenting? This is someone I am related to by marriage, and they will likely be in my life for many years to come."      - Timid in Idaho

Sally Says:

To answer your question literally, meaning, what words to say? Use DESC. I know it's not a particularly fabulous acronym, but it is a great way to give feedback to anyone, any time. Here is what DESC stands for:

Describe the situation

Explain the impact

Say what you want

Consequence, either way

• When describing the situation, state facts only. Talk about specific, observable, objective information. Say "Yesterday you did/said XYZ".  
• Explain the impact of his/her behavior. This might be an explanation of how you feel after the behavior, or the impact it has on a situation or other people.
• Say what you want him/her to do differently. Be specific, clear and calm.
• Explain what the consequence is if they change their behavior (or not).

Here is a typical way to give feedback, which ends up making the other person feel defensive and usually doesn't go very well:

"It seems like you judge my children overly harshly and it makes me feel like you think I"m not a good parent."

Better way:

• Describe: "Yesterday you mentioned that Daughter has issues with being selfish. You also said that she is too loud most of the time."
• Explain impact: "When you said that, it felt overly harsh to me. She does share, but at this age, it's normal for her to protect her toys. And loud is what 6-year-olds do. Hearing you say those things made me feel bad. I want you to know that daughter is a great kid. It also made me feel that you might be judging my parenting, which hurt my feelings."
• Say what you want: "I know you love Daughter very much, and I am glad we have the relationship we do. Next time you have a serious concern about her behavior, can you think it over and then talk to me in private? "
• Consequence: "That way I can better understand your concerns and we can have a conversation. Otherwise it just leaves me feeling bad."

Not easy to say, but much clearer and more effective.

This method (DESC) works in all kinds of situations. With teachers, children, spouse, DMV, you name it. You just have to remember to use it (which I don't, just ask my husband!). Good luck.

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Emily Says:

This is tricky. I think more information would help me to give a better answer. My first answer is: get over it. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but some people are very critical, and it might be unlikely that there is much you can do to change the situation. Can you try to have a sense of humor about it? Can you try to laugh about it and approach it with some kind of affection for their concern and interest in your family and let it go, let it roll off your back?  Especially if this is a person you don't see very frequently.

However, if the critical comments are very frequent, and no matter how hard you try to toughen up, it continues to hurt your feelings and makes you feel bad about yourself, then you probably need to talk to them about it.  I would suggest bringing it up during a time when they are NOT saying anything negative, during a time that your feelings aren't charged and emotional--when you're feeling good and they won't feel so defensive. Use language that focuses on the behavior, not the person. For example: "When you do this, it makes me feel this way..." instead of language that is accusatory such as, "YOU make me feel this way."

Here is a sample:
You: "____, I was wondering if I could tell you something that is kind of a sensitive issue that has been troubling me for awhile."
Them: "Okay..." (they will be feeling nervous, and maybe a little defensive)
You: "It's something that I've worried about telling you, but I just really love you and that is why I want to go ahead and share it with you. I mean to say this with love and sincerity because I love you so much. Sometimes when we talk you say things that I think you intend to be helpful, or that you tend to be advice about how I parent my children. But even though I know you're saying it out of love, it still really hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I'm a bad parent, or that you think I'm a bad parent. I try not to let it bother me, but it continues to happen, and I'm not sure how to handle it."
Them:...(let them talk, try to listen and smile and nod, be understanding, respond to them the way you want them to respond to you)

End with telling them that you love them and you appreciate them in your life, and that you appreciate their love and care for your children. Express that you feel blessed that they take an interest in your family life. Explain that is why it was hard for you to say something about it, because you don't want them to stop showing their love, but you thought they might appreciate knowing how sometimes the unsolicited advice feels hurtful.

Always end with love and understanding.

It might make a difference, it might not. You might risk a little damage to the relationship if they're a defensive person, or they may be really grateful that you told them because they love you and had no idea what was happening. They may have thought that all of those conversations were so nice and sympathetic, not hurtful.  And for you: try to lighten up! Try to laugh about it! Try to focus on the positive, loving things about this family member.

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Robin Says:

Are we related to the same person?
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Kristen Says:

It is difficult to be on the receiving end of criticism of our children, whether there is truth to it or not. I think it is important to first try to think of this person's point of view; do they know your kids well? Is there any accuracy to their comments? And, do you value their opinion on this topic? If they don't really know your children and/or their comments are off base, then their opinion, although unpleasant to deal with, is not something you need to worry too much about. If they do know your children and there is some truth to their comments, and especially if you do value their opinion, then address those issues they have made you aware of. You might thank them for bringing those things to your attention, but ask that in the future they be more sensitive with their comments. It is okay to say to someone, "I felt defensive when you commented that my kids are lazy and play video games all day. As a matter of fact, they are very busy with school, homework, chores, sports, etc. You may only see them when they are relaxed because we don't invite company when we are on a strict schedule."



This is one of those times when it is appropriate to kindly stand up for yourself and your kids. But remember to be sensitive and not emotionally reactive, because, as you said, they will likely be in your life for many years to come.

It's coming!

Keep checking in... our updated blog format is closer than you think!