Jen Daiker's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. So here it is. If you didn't see Monday's post, or yesterday's, please check them out, below.

Here is Jen's query again, along with my thoughts, in red. Please feel free to add your feedback in the comments.

For twenty-four year old Jules Ausborn, Relationships aren’t exactly built on trust – or even reality, for that matter.

First off I just want to say that I think this whole query is very close. You've got the tough parts covered: it has great voice, and it's funny.

This opening hook is pretty good. We have a decent sense of character, which is the most important, and we have a hint of what kind of conflicts will be coming up. I would like to see even more character though, if possible. Even just a couple additional words could tell us a lot. Is Jules a shy barista? An ambitious student? An over-zealous journalist? Who is she? What kind of life does she lead?

I would also drop the "for that matter." It's not a huge deal, and is probably just a matter of taste, but I think the funny/snarky/slightly disturbing idea about reality has much more punch if it ends the hook all by itself.

She’s used to receiving unsolicited, and frankly awful, dating and self-improvement advice from her overly critical mother. That’s a normal day for her. She’d much rather seek guidance from celebrities she admires than the same help from her own family.

I like this too, it sets up the stakes and a little bit of backstory without going into too much detail or using too many words. I do think it could be reworded though.

Could you say "a normal day is full of unsolicited, and frankly ...?" The way it's written here feels backward, like it making up a normal day for her is an afterthought. And I noticed someone on yesterday's post didn't like the "frankly." I have to respectfully disagree. I think it fits with the voice here. It's not a word a young woman would likely use, but I think it goes with the subtle snark and hidden wit that I suspect Jules has.

That just goes to show you how subjective all this is.

I also think you should cut "same help;" it's redundant and therefore unnecessary.

What starts as a new years resolution and an infatuation with Paula Deen, slowly turns into a quest to straighten out her dating life. But when Jules takes things too far, blocked numbers and restraining orders produce a pile of trouble for her. She’s not exactly someone celebrities would normally befriend.

This is where we get to the vagueness that has been discussed. First off I love the bit about Paula Deen, living in the south I find her hilarious, if a bit pervasive. But, as funny as I think it is, I don't totally get it. What is the resolution? Does it have something to do with food? Or is it about men in her life? Don't be afraid to get specific with stuff like this. Just a few more words would make it a lot clearer.

I like the blocked numbers and restraining orders. I still think that line needs its own paragraph, and it should come later. It's hilarious, it's sad, it's scary, and it really wraps up the stakes pretty well. I would also like to see the bit about the guy next door coming sooner after the part about straightening out her dating life.

When you mix together misinterpreted dating advice, family pressures to be in a relationship and a hot next door neighbor who wants to be that guy, Jules finds herself on a wildly unexpected ride, seeking advice from Carrie Bradshaw’s sex talks and her fairy Godsister, Anne Hathaway. Jules has to decipher what advice she should heed, and when to let her own heart lead the way. Her Journal is the only one who knows the whole story.

I think this last paragraph is great. It really sings. It sums things up nicely, has great voice, and is pretty funny. I think if you moved the neighbor to the paragraph before, and then made the blocked numbers and restraining orders line a one sentence paragraph just before this one, that would improve things a bunch.

IN THE MIND OF A CELEBRITY STALKER is a 60,000-word epistolary, chick lit novel.

I know what epistolary means, and you can probably get away with it because technically this is the housekeeping section, and not the "story" part of your query, but I actually think it fit the voice of the rest of the query better when you said "told in journal format." You could also say "told as entries in her journal."

I'm a genre idiot, so I'll let the readers comment on how they feel about chick-lit versus Women's Fiction or Commercial Fiction.

The first five pages are included and a synopsis and the complete manuscript are available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Daiker

So that's it. Please let Jen and I know what you think. You are strongly encouraged to disagree with me if that's how you feel. I'm no expert, and we all know how subjective this all is, so please let Jen know what you think.

Jen Daiker's Current Query

So, hopefully you read yesterday's post, in which I set this up. If not, go read it.

Here is Jen Daiker's current query for IN THE MIND OF A CELEBRITY STALKER. I will share my thoughts and feedback tomorrow:

For twenty-four year old Jules Ausborn, Relationships aren’t exactly built on trust – or even reality, for that matter.

She’s used to receiving unsolicited, and frankly awful, dating and self-improvement advice from her overly critical mother. That’s a normal day for her. She’d much rather seek guidance from celebrities she admires than the same help from her own family.

What starts as a new years resolution and an infatuation with Paula Deen, slowly turns into a quest to straighten out her dating life. But when Jules takes things too far, blocked numbers and restraining orders produce a pile of trouble for her. She’s not exactly someone celebrities would normally befriend.

When you mix together misinterpreted dating advice, family pressures to be in a relationship and a hot next door neighbor who wants to be that guy, Jules finds herself on a wildly unexpected ride, seeking advice from Carrie Bradshaw’s sex talks and her fairy Godsister, Anne Hathaway. Jules has to decipher what advice she should heed, and when to let her own heart lead the way. Her Journal is the only one who knows the whole story.

IN THE MIND OF A CELEBRITY STALKER is a 60,000-word epistolary, chick lit novel.

The first five pages are included and a synopsis and the complete manuscript are available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Daiker

Jen obviously adds her contact info and so forth, but we don't need that here. Please remember to save your thoughts for tomorrow, when I will put my feedback in the post.

Jen Daiker

This week is Jen Daiker week on The QQQE. Okay, no. It's not actually going to last all week, but I will be featuring Jen, and her query, for a few days, and I won't be blogging this Friday (my sister will be in town, yay) so Jen will be making up three out of four posts this week.

It's awesome, I know.

So before we get started, I just want to make sure you all know who she is. I know she's one of the most popular bloggers on the internet, so I realize that the chances that you know me, and don't know her, are very slim, but you never know. Man, that's a lot of knowing.

Jen is the charming young lady and wonderful writer who runs the blog Unedited. Please go there and make sure you're following her. You won't be disappointed.

She and I started blogging around the same time last year, yet she has more than twice the followers I do. That's because Jen is one of the most giving and supportive bloggers out there.

Anyway, she's at the point where she is nearly ready to begin querying her novel. Jen has asked me to feature her query here, on the QQQE, to see if we can't all help her polish it until it shines. I have to say her query is quite good already, but I think we can get it a little bit better.

I'll be sharing her query tomorrow, in its current format. Then on Wednesday I'll be giving Jen some feedback, and asking you all to do the same. For now, just make sure you follow her blog, and let us know if you have any questions.