Step Eight

Hi. My name is Matthew and I'm a blogaholic.

I love it that even on the morrow after election night, when I have so much I would love to say, but will not do so here, I can use one of these posts to make fun of myself instead.

Today I am on Step Eight.

Make a list of all persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them.

Well the main people I have harmed with my writing and blogging are the literary agents I queried before I was really ready (see the label queries/rejections), who therefore had to endure my ignorance, and the other bloggers I used to bother with my shameless self promotions in the comments. So yeah. Sorry about that.

I won't really be making any amends to them. Except maybe to keep writing, improve my craft, and perhaps one day be good enough to get published. Maybe.

Soon I may share about Step Nine.

Disclaimer: This post is satirical. It is not meant to offend anyone, or to belittle the integrity of 12 Step Programs anywhere, which have saved countless lives since their inception.

Don't Give Up

I got a message from a (then) stranger the other day on Facebook. I wanted to share it with all of you right away but I had to get permission first. I now have it so I am going to share with you a brief story about Adam N. Leonard.

Adam is an aspiring novelist. He is frustrated like I was a few short months ago and like some of you may still be today. Let me share with you the conversation we had via PMs on Facebook. Adam first contacted me on 7/20/10. This is what he said:

Hi Matt,

My name is Adam Leonard; I'm also an aspiring novelist. I'm about ready to throw in the towel, though. I've had several full and partial mss considered, but ultimately all were politely rejected. I really need someone to tell me straight out whether my writing sucks or has any chance of future publication. I wish agents were more brutally honest- that would save a lot of people wasting a LOT of time. Anyway, I was wondering if you could suggest a critique group or service or something to that effect?

Thanks,
Adam Leonard

I replied:

Dude. Wow. I feel you man. I can understand that frustration, I've been there. My opinion is that ANYONE can write a decent book. Shit gets published all the time. I would like to discuss this further with you, but I'm too busy tonight. Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday party. Can I hit you back on Thursday? In the meantime you might want to let me how you found me and why you thought I was the one to ask this question of.

I'm not implying that I'm not. I think I can help, but I do believe things happen for a reason.

Twice:

Yeah, I meant to say "let me know how you found me ..." but I'm a little tipsy.

I was two glasses of Merlot deep. He wrote back later that night:

I have no idea to tell you the truth - I probably saw you on a writer's blog or twitter list or something like that. I just recall you posting stuff about critiquing your work, changing POV, and you seem to know a lot of people in the same boat, at least on your blog.

I'm just trying to get feed back on my work from someone I'm not related to! Know what I mean?! And that doesn't cost me a thousand bucks.

So I told him what I thought:

Well I have several suggestions I could make. First of all you need to have a blog. I was ready to give up 4 months ago when I kept getting nothing but rejections from agents. Now I correspond with published authors almost every day. If you start blogging I can get a lot of people to follow you and connect with you about writing.

Second I can offer to critique your first 15 pages if you will let me blog about our correspondence ... unfortunately I don't have time to read your whole novel, but there are people who do.

You should check the forums on Nathan Bransford's blog to find critique partners who will exchange their entire novel with you.

It could also be your query, but you said you had some partial requests so maybe not.

Would you be open to me blogging about our conversation? I would really like to help out and if I ask some of my readers I bet they will be willing to give you at least a partial critique.

He responded:

Why the hell not. Give me an email address and I'll send you the first 15 pages. Thanks.

And here we are. Do any of you have any advice for Adam that I haven't thought of yet? Is anyone besides me willing to offer to critique his first 15 pages? He hasn't started a blog yet, but I strongly encourage him to. I know you awesome writers will give this guy a hand as long as he agrees not to give up, right?

Too Much on Our Desk

I think I'll throw another bad ass query up onto the wall of shame for you guys this morning. These are getting a little boring to put together. Not because I'm embarrassed, trust me I'm way beyond caring by now, but mostly because they are all so similar. I'll try to make this one as sarcastic funny as possible.

As you can see I finally decided to look up how to use strike-through text. It's fun but I'm sure it will stay interesting for a long time get old quickly.

Anyway here's another drab query:

June 2nd, 2009

Dear Sir or Madam,

Yes I actually wrote that. In the query no less. There is an excuse reason though. This agency had a very thin website with very little info about the submission guidelines and the actual agents who worked there. If I were querying now I probably would not contact them but I knew less than nothing back then. I think I was probably trying to be a smart ass about this lack of info, at least that's what I'm telling myself now.

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR-MONKS and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader as well. I also feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript.

Yep I went there. Over and over and ... you get the picture. This is such a bad example of how to go about this that if it were my first time sharing it I would be hanging my head in shame. Instead I'm skipping through an alpine meadow filled with heather ... and wildflowers and other pretty stuff.

The book is about a young man named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle's home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. The story does not begin to incorporate any magical realism until about halfway through, when the students begin to discover some magic in the curriculum, which is based on east-Asian calligraphy and Buddhist/Hindu mysticism.

1) List MC.
2) TELL what happens.
3) TELL the exact theme of the novel in the most clinical manner possible.
4) Don't SHOW anything.
5) Remove foot from mouth keyboard from toilet.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

I wonder how many agents actually know who these authors are. I mean sure the comparison here is egomaniacal enough already but I think the fact that these authors are somewhat obscure only makes it worse much more hilarious for us to look at now.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Or even to pin my query to the wall in the break room at your agency so all can laugh together at my ignorant desperation.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

Their reply:

Matthew,

Thanks for thinking of our agency but we have to pass at this time. Too much on our desk we must first attend to. Good Luck in your quest.

REDACTED
Literary Agency REDACTED
ADDRESS

I suspect that this rejection was written by the AI software that runs this agency. I'm only kidding, at least in the reply I learned a person's actual name. Too bad it was a gender ambiguous name and it was too late anyway. No matter, this query stunk like toe jam anyway.

I do like that he/she/it used the term quest though. That makes it sound much more noble than this query made it look.

Don't Feel

Today I'm going to share another bad query letter because I promised myself I would do at least one each week. They were the original impetus for this blog and I don't want to go back on that. Still, I am running out of funny things to say about them, mostly because they are each so similar. Sometimes I almost want to make up some new terrible ones, just so we can all have something (or someone, me) to laugh at together.

I won't though. As much as I'm tempted I do believe honesty is the best policy. So, today's is going to be one of the shortest ever. The rejection certainly is short and sweet. The reason for this (in addition to my laziness) is that I was interviewed by Jessica AKA The Alliterative Allomorph today. Well, actually it was a couple of days ago, but she's posting it today. So be sure to head over to her blog and read it.

Oh, also if you don't follow Jessica, what's wrong with you? She is a very funny blogger, an excellent writer, and an Aussie living in Greece; so there is really never a dull moment over there. For that matter if you're here, reading this and you don't follow me (or my blog rather) what's wrong with you? Please follow us both we'll love you for it forever.

Now, the query:

May 29th, 2009

Dear Ms. REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR-MONKS and is complete. I feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript.

Hey, here is a new thing I can point out, not sure why I never thought of this before: there is no point to saying "working title". Every title is just a working title until it's approved by the publisher, or at least your agent. In my correspondece with the Roecker sisters they shared a story with me about how their agent suggested they change the title of LIAR SOCIETY. She told them the previous title they had selected was "wet".

The admission of non-exclusivity is okay. I mean the idea is good. It is professional and polite to be honest about these things but the way I worded it sounds pretty arrogant reading it back now.

The book is about a teenager named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle's home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. It is an introspective and character driven novel in which the plot is not necessarily the focus but still has enough interesting occurrences to move the tale along as the reader comes to know and love the characters.

This is very blah. I mean it's better than some earlier examples but it all sounds very dry and boring put this way. Probably because it's all telling. Give it some voice for god sakes man!

Oh, was I talking to myself? Sorry.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

Yeah ... don't do this. Is you must make comparisons at least don't do it this way. See earlier query/rejection posts for more details if you don't already know why.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Not necessary.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

Her reply:

Thanks for your submission query. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel it is one for me.

Best wishes

REDACTED

www.REDACTEDliterary.com

I actually like this rejection a little. Just a little. I mean a rejection is a rejection is a rejection, why waste any more time than necessary, right?

You didn't like my idea? Okay, forget you, it's your loss, let's move on.

Okay, it's not quite that simple, but trust me, if you never give up one day you will look back on all your rejections with this attitude.

So that's it. Go here and read the interview I gave Jessica NOW. Please? It's really fun. I promise you'll enjoy it.

Thanks for visiting!

Intrigued by the Setting

Here is yet another example of a bad query. This one is much better than the others, as you will see. That's great because we have Lisa and Laura sharing one of the most awesome queries ever tomorrow and I don't want to look like any more of a schmuck than I already do.

So without further ado on to the query:

May 29th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR-MONKS and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader as well. I also feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript. That being said I really liked what you had to say about yourself and your representation on the about page of your website and I imagine that I would love to have you represent my project.

Hi Ms. Agent lady. Do you have a Master's Degree? Yes? Okay. Have you been working in the publishing industry for years? Yes? Okay. Have you represented dozens of authors before and have a pretty good idea of what you're doing and where the market is going? Yes? Cool. Would you like to be told how to do your job by a first time novelist?

That is basically what that part about YA readers buying books in droves says. This is BAD BAD BAD. Of course she already knows that, it's probably why she represents the genre. In fact it's probably why almost every agent out there reps it right now.

Anyway take that one sentence out and you've got a half way decent paragraph. This business stuff can and should go at the end but some agents don't mind it first and a few prefer it. The admission of non-exclusivity is not really necessary but it is polite and professional to let them know if your MS is already on request to other agents. That way they can decide if they have the time to read a little more quickly.

Mentioning her website is great. Agents love it when you actually take the time to research them. I should have been more specific though.

Wow that was a lot of analysis for one paragraph. Whew.

The book is about a young man named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle's home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. It is an introspective and character driven novel.

Hmm. This is not horrible. Actually it is pretty bad but I say not horrible because you should have seen some of the earlier versions. What this lacks is voice, conflict, more of what happens, and a reason you would give a shit about this character or his choices.

I wonder if she would have read more if this had been a better query.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

This is crap. Again: the agent knows that first time authors write great books, in fact if an agent takes unsolicited submissions they are probably counting on it. Don't insult their intelligence. Instead compare and contrast your project to something similar that has found success.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Email address is sufficient. The rest is only necessary if representation is offered.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

P.S. Here is a sample of the intro/prologue chapter of the book which is honestly just slightly over ten pages long:

She requested the first ten pages in her guidelines.

FIRST CHAPTER

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for your query. Warrior-Monks sounds extremely interesting and I am very intrigued by the setting of Montana.

Unfortunately, I need to focus all my time and energy on my current clients. I wish you the best of luck in shopping around your project.

Sincerely,

REDACTED

This is awesome. I know, I know, it's a rejection. But there is proof that it is not form! I bet if the query hadn't been so suckalicious she might have requested more pages. The opening chapter wasn't great then, but it was good enough that if she liked the premise and the setting she might have wanted to see more.

Or maybe she really did have a client list that was that full. I suspect that she was telling the truth. If not why write a personalized rejection? We'll never know of course, but this one did give me hope at the time. And of course I had another agent reading a partial so that helped too.

So that's it. Hopefully you can see some improvements even though this is still nowhere near good enough. I promise we'll get to better queries soon but I have to do at least one of these bad ones per week until they've all been thrown kicking and screaming into the digital graveyard of the internet ... uh yeah, anyway.

I hope you are as excited as I am for Lisa and Laura's guest blog post tomorrow. They are going to be sharing the innovative query that landed them representation for LIAR SOCIETY so mark your calendars and be sure to come back!

Form Rejection at its Best.

I wanted to write about Glee this morning, I really did, but thanks to heavy traffic after Kylie's Hapkido lesson last night we only caught about the last 25 minutes of it. I'll have to catch up on Hulu.

So anyway thanks to an I.T. snafu at work over the last day and a half I am currently barely able to do my job and will have to make this morning's post pretty quick.

I'll get back to bad queries because that was the original impetus behind this blog and I want to keep doing at least one a week (and because you all love them SO much).

So here's another bad query:

May 8th, 2009

Dear Ms. REDACTED,

Insert the standard first bad paragraph here.

You've all seen it before so I'm not going to subject you to it again.

Insert the standard second bad paragraph here.

Remember? That's the one where I talk about all the things I love about eastern culture.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

This paragraph is not terrible. If it were the only one in this query the letter would be almost serviceable. This IS an example of what a query letter needs to be LIKE. It is NOT a very good example of how to do it well. There is almost no voice to it but at least it does describe some of what HAPPENS.

Insert standard fourth bad paragraph here (the one where I say it's my first book and give my phone number - whatever).

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

FIRST FIVE PAGES

Her reply:

Dear Mr. Rush:

Thanks for your query.

As to your material I'm afraid I must pass -- I'm just not enthusiastic enough about the premise of your story to feel that I'd be the right agent for the project. Our agency represents a very full list of fiction writers and we must be highly selective in adding to it. I realize it is difficult to judge your potential from a query; nevertheless please know that I give serious attention to every letter, outline, and writing sample I receive.

Sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply. Thanks for thinking of me, though, and best of luck in your search for representation.

Sincerely,
REDACTED
REDACTED Literary Agency
Submission Guidelines: http://www.REDACTEDagency.com/submissions.html

This is form rejection at its best. This is a very professional reply. It's kind but firm and yet admits to one of the fundamental flaws of the query process.

If you've read their submission guidelines before querying (which I did, of course) you might be a little insulted to see them plug the link in the rejection but keep in mind it's a form letter and I'm sure there are people out there who query agents without reading the guidelines first.

I'm getting a little tired of posting the horrible queries and I want to start focusing on more positive things but there are not that many more to go and we do have the Friday guest posts to keep our spirits up for now. I promise that once I've bared all the terrible queries for the world to see (or at least the 100 or so people who read this blog) I will share my successful examples with you.

Have a great Wednesday.

The Right Amount of Enthusiasm

Back to work, back to business. Tomorrow I'll probably write about Glee again, because it's so much fun. So today I figured I'd better bet back down to brass tacks and the point of this whole "bloggish blog thing" (to borrow a fun title from my friend Josin and her blog): Queries.

With all the success the guest posts have been having I don't want to get into my own successful queries yet. So here is another bad one. Keep in mind that this letter is from nearly a year ago and does not represent my current query or even the status of my manuscript.

Anyway.

May 8th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am including a synopsis as well as the first two chapters of the book because the REDACTED Website specifically asks for no attachments to be sent.

Boy. I'm not going to go over this all again but this is pretty bad. See like 10-15 previous posts labeled Queries/Rejections if you don't already know why - you should though.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Yep. I was apparently really attached to this bit. I guess I thought it summarized what set my project apart. It's not a horrible idea it's just not done very well here.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation.

And here begins the query. This is actually a lot better than some of the others queries (of mine) we've examined. The query should have started here. With a better one sentence hook/pitch before this it wouldn't have been half bad ... okay well maybe half but not three quarters!

It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

And then we sink right back down into the muck of lazy query writing. I mean these are all great ideas and of course these themes do exist within the novel but to spell them out like this ... not good. I'm shaking my head here and picturing some tired old drunk of a magician playing a kid's birthday party and giving away the secrets to all his tricks. This isn't even show and tell; it's just tell.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

Email address is sufficient.

ADDRESS

Right, see above.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

NOTE: I then for some reason pasted, single spaced, the first like 40 or so pages of the book (2 chapters). I guess their guidelines said to do that, but I'm pretty sure she didn't read them.

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for sending me your query letter. Unfortunately, I do not think it is a good fit for our agency. Since we are a very small staff and take on few new clients, please do not be discouraged by our response. I'm sure you will soon find an agent with the right amount of enthusiasm for your work.

Thank you for considering us. Best of luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

REDACTED

I like this rejection. Okay, I mean I don't actually LIKE it, but I respect it. Yes of course it almost certainly form, but I find it to be kindly worded, and perhaps ... it makes me feel better to critique the rejection a little bit.

I especially like the phrase: "soon find an agent with the right amount of enthusiasm for your work".

Anyway it's another understandable rejection. I wish I had a new and different example to show you all of things that DON'T WORK, but I'm going through these old queries chronologically so ... I don't. Not yet.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Poll.

So, this week's (and possibly next) guest blogger is Michelle McLean. Please visit her blog to learn more about her. She's given us an interesting option for her guest post this week.

Michelle is published in Non-Fiction. Well that is her book has been sold and will be published in 2011. Again, see her blog for more info. She is also a writer of YA fiction though she has not yet been published in that genre, and like many of us still seeks an agent.

Anyway she has offered to share with us both the query/proposal that landed her her agent for the non-fiction book and a query she has used for one of her fiction projects that has garnered her a request for a full or partial manuscript. I think they're both pretty interesting and will eventually share them both with you but I would like to know: which one do you all want to see first?

I don't know how to set up a poll so please make your preference clear in your comments. As always thanks for visiting!

P.S. Michelle is the last guest blogger I have lined up. I'm still looking to schedule others after we are done with her two weeks. If you have ever written and sent a query that earned you at least a partial MS request please let me know if you are interested in sharing it.

My email is on my blogger profile.

Areas of Specialization

Today we'll get back to what this blog is all about: Queries.

I'll post another early query here that garnered a rejection, but before I get to that I just want to thank everyone who participated in yesterday's discussion. It was informative, opinionated and even entertaining at times but what I really appreciate is everyone's honesty and willingness to share what they thought or felt about the issue.

I've decided (at least for now) not to continue with the "shameless self promotion" addenda to my comments on other blogs. I really do want to promote somehow when I have guest bloggers on Fridays so I'm not sure what I will do yet but I will probably try to find a way to make a more clever link in my comments a bit like Southern Princess's kingdom links (which I find cute AND clever, personally). Or perhaps I'll just stick to mentioning it only if that person's blog post is actually relevant (like when Elana Johnson posts about blogging). I may also ask some of you loyal followers to simply mention it on your blogs on Friday in return for links back, we'll see. Anyone have any other suggestions?

Anyway, on to the query:

May 11th, 2009

Dear Mr. REDACTED,

I'm not sure why I addressed this agent by his last name. I'm sure each agent has their own preference for this kind of thing but based on what I've read using first name only is usually better. That's what I normally do.

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am including a synopsis as well as the introduction/prologue of my book because your website does not advise against sample chapters and so that you may get a glimpse of my writing style.

There are no rules (well very few) to query writing but here are a couple of suggestions: Title, Word-Count and Genre ought to go at the end, unless somehow otherwise specified in the agent's submission guidelines. Query one project at a time, in other words don't mention sequels. If an agent is interested they will ask as we saw in Cole's guest post last Friday. Finally as I've pointed out several times before and wish I had realized for myself back then, don't tell the agent why you are or are not including a synopsis, sample pages, map, table of contents, cover art, gifts, whatever; just do it. They know their own guidelines and don't need their hands held while you prove that you followed them.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

I so want to delete this paragraph from each of these old queries before I share them with you. It's not terribly written. It doesn't cover lame or boring topics, but it also does not really serve the purpose of the query. The last sentence here is really the only one that matters but again, it's all tell and no show.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

Blah, blah blah. This kind of lip service is embarrassing. It's okay to compare your project to other author's books IF you do it in a way which tastefully shows how your novel is similar (will appeal to fans of) but also unique. Using these other debut authors as evidence that debut authors can write good books is ... well probably kind of insulting to an agent's intelligence. As if they didn't already know that first time authors can write great books. Would they really accept unsolicited submissions if they didn't believe that?

Also the "personal qualifications" in this instance are entirely unnecessary. Rarely is such information pertinent to fiction. If you wrote a political military thriller in the vein of a Tom Clancy novel it might make sense to point out that you actually did serve in the navy. If you're trying to get representation for Harry Potter, it doesn't really matter whether you went to boarding school as a child.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

I'm not sure why I always made sure to put my phone number in. It's fine, no big deal, but usually the ability to reply to your email will suffice. I guess maybe I was holding out hope that someone would love my novel so much they'd just have to call me then and there. Not sure how I figured that would happen since I rarely sent pages.

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

His reply:

Dear Mr. Rush,

I wonder if my addressing his last name prompted this? No idea of course, but it is curious.

Thank you for your recent query regarding representation, which we have now had an opportunity to consider. Unfortunately, I don't think our agency is going to be the right fit for your manuscript.

Tastes and areas of specialization vary widely from agent to agent. If you haven't already done so, you may wish to consult a directory such as Literary Marketplace (www.literarymarketplace.com) for the names of agents whose interests are more compatible with your work. We wish you the best of luck in finding representation.

Sincerely,

REDACTED

It was not even signed by the agent I wrote to, which is fine, but I'm not sure if it was an assistant or what.

So this is most likely a form rejection. No surprise based on the quality of the query, but there is one curious difference here compared to many of the other rejections I received back then. The assistant or whoever took the time to direct me to the literary marketplace to research the genres agent's represent.

I will admit that I was overzealous in my blanket querying back then but I'm pretty sure I didn't query agents who clearly stated that they did NOT represent YA. I may have written to some who did not state one way or the other but ...

No matter; it's still good advice. Make sure to research any agent that you query as much as possible before you write to them. Querying an agent who does not represent your genre is not going to hurt your chances with other agents (it's not like they have a newsletter where they tell each other "look at this idiot") but it will be a waste of your time.

News: I sent the first 30 (actually 25) pages of my MS to Marietta yesterday and I'm still waiting to hear back from her, but she did email the 3 winners to let us know that she is offering to give each of us a 30 minute consultation over the phone after she has returned her critiques to us. This is amazingly generous of her and although I am looking forward to it I have to admit I'm very nervous.

Oh well, this won't be the last time I have to push through some fears if I want to end up getting published.

The First Five Pages

Today I'll share a strange one. This is a query I sent to a prominent New York Agent. As you'll see the query is still pretty bad, but for some reason she still requested the first five pages. I'll admit I was very excited at the time.

In hindsight she may have just wanted the first five pages included in the query as part of her standard submission preference and I just missed it; I'm not going back to check now and besides her guidelines may have changed. It may be that she wants the query in the letter as a standard formality but really makes her decision based on the voice in the pages.

Who knows?

May 8th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, WARRIOR-MONKS, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the REDACTED website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest.

To this day I'm still amazed she requested the pages. With that word count admitted to in the query I have no idea what she was thinking. Maybe she was just curious. At least I left out the "buying books in droves these days" and "the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice" bile. I'm pretty sure that helped.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Boy am I getting sick of reading that paragraph. I'm pretty sure this one is not why she requested the pages.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I guess I have to assume this is the paragraph she liked. I mean it's not TERRIBLE. It's way too long and ends up with a lot of telling but at least it DOES sort of describe what happens. Maybe she's a kung-fu film junkie and thought all the martial arts sounded cool. We'll never know.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to my personal email at mattmrush@gmail.com, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

I SWEAR I INCLUDED THE SYNOPSIS BUT IT'S NOT IN THE EMAIL I SAVED. MAYBE IT GOT CLIPPED.

Her initial reply:

Thanks for your query. Mind sending along the first five pages of your manuscript in the body of an e-mail? I'd be happy to take a look and let you know whether the style is the best fit for me.

Thanks, REDACTED

Man was I excited. Sure it's not REALLY a MS request and looking back I honestly think her website may have asked for the pages in the query and I just missed it, but still.

So I replied. I made sure to put "Requested Material" in the subject line. I sent her this:

Dear REDACTED,

Thank you very much for your potential interest in my project. I will include the first five pages of the introduction/prologue chapter here so that you may get an idea of my narrative voice. You did not specify any formatting preferences so I will go with what seems to be the industry standard of double spaced in a 12 point font. Please let me know if you have any questions.

FIRST FIVE PAGES.

If you think that this novel might be appropriate for your representation please feel free to reply to this email or to call me anytime at 206-555-1212. Thank you very much for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,
Matthew

I got her reply about ten days later:

Dear Matthew:

Thanks for sending along the opening pages of The Teepee of Perception. Truth be told, though, I'm afraid these pages just didn't draw me in as much as I had hoped. I'm pressed for time these days and, what with my reservations about the project, I suspect I wouldn't be the best fit. Thanks so much for contacting me, though, and for giving me this opportunity. It's much appreciated, and I'm sorry to be passing. I wish you the very best of luck in your search for representation.

Best,
REDACTED

I was a little ticked because she referenced "The Teepee of Perception" which had been, at the time, the title of the chapter, not the novel. It's truly a trivial detail but at the time I used it as an excuse to write her off. It still does sting a little and I have to admit that as much as query writing sucks I'd rather be rejected because of my query letter a hundred times than even once for my actual writing.

I think the problem was that I sent her the wrong part of the novel and the opening pages were not colorful or voice-specific enough back then. I've updated them a few times since but would definitely advise anyone wondering about hooking a reader to read Noah Lukeman's THE FIRST FIVE PAGES.

I remember thinking: If I can only get someone to read my ENTIRE novel, I know they'll love it. While I still believe that to be true I have since learned that my MS should be so tight and polished that ANY reader will love every page. If they have to drill through backstory and setting set-up to get to the "good parts" you just might lose them.

I'm still trimming the fat.

P.S. Please mark your calendars and come back this Friday morning. Cole Gibsen, from Hair Dye & Samurai will be doing the guest post and sharing the query that landed her her agent.

Auto-Reply

Today's post will be simple because I need the time to work on my guest post for Justine's blog that she will be putting up tomorrow. It will be just another query and what passed for a rejection. No time for much commentary.

May 14th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR-MONKS and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is also mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader. I am including a sample of the introduction/prologue chapter because that is what your website suggests.

The book is about a young man named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle's home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. It is an introspective and character driven novel in which the plot is not necessarily the focus but still has enough interesting occurrences to move the tale along as the reader comes to know and love the characters.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

FIRST FIVE PAGES

Her Reply:

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I am unable to respond to all queries that I receive. Therefore, my policy is that I will respond within six weeks, only if interested. In the meantime, thanks again for offering me the opportunity to consider your work.

I don't remember for sure, but I think I received this response right away, like an auto-reply. I never heard from her again.

Not surprising. This query IS better than some of the earlier ones but certainly still is not good enough. As you can see I left the word count out. This is not wise. Yes it might mean that I don't get quickly rejected by an agent's assistant after reading only the first sentence but it does not mean I will get offered representation. An agent is still going to eventually read your entire MS before offering to represent you. It's disingenuous and tricky to leave the word count out.

I guess I thought it was a good idea at the time because I was getting so much rejection (and because of that one angry response; see: First the Worst). It wasn't.

The Sinfully Sadistic Synopsis Experiment

First of all: ANNOUNCEMENT!

Your good friend and mine Justine Dell is going to be a guest blogger here on TheQQQE tomorrow. She is going to post an ACTUAL query letter of hers that ACTUALLY garnered a full MS submission request along with a little of her own analysis and a bit of my nonsense thrown in for fun.

Please mark your calendars or set up reminders in outlook because Justine is a kind and VERY helpful person who deserves some recognition for her willingness to readily assist others in their quests for publishing glory. Also her query is pretty damn good and is a great example of how to hook an agent.

Anyway I'm going to do something a little different today in preparation for her guest post tomorrow. My synopsis is still pretty bad even now after I have learned a lot about this whole process. But it used to be even worse.

Today I will post the synopsis I included in one of my early query letters. The letter itself was one of my standard early ones. Wrong/too many genres listed, astronomical word count, no hook, no plot, no characterization, funky comparisons to other authors works, awkward explanation about why a novice writer can still write a great book ... you've all seen it before so I'm not going to post the whole query letter part today.

May 11th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

SYNOPSIS

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. His mother dies when he is ten years old and then his father is suddenly incarcerated for her wrongful death. Then the boy’s family is sundered further when his aunts and uncles tear him away from his older sister and force them to live apart in different parts of the country.

I can't believe I said "apart in different parts". Duh.

The book begins with the prologue or introduction by setting up the location of a reform school that young Lee has been sent to and then introducing the other students who have arrived at the same time as him and who will become his peers. They are a diverse bunch of young men and women who have been sent to this place for many different reasons. Almost immediately the group dynamic begins to become complicated but also interesting and well defined.

I do this a lot in my writing, adding clauses like "and who will become his peers" which are totally unnecessary and often even redundant to the rest of the sentence. If they arrived together and are of a school age like the MC then obviously they are his peers. Then the last sentence is all tell no show.

The first chapter is a flashback to Lee’s early childhood. It describes how he was treated for being a chronic bed wetter by receiving a tonsillectomy because he was suffering from sleep apnea as well as receiving several other humiliating treatments and some psychotherapy. It also describes how Lee was a very shy and not an incredibly socially successful child but how he delighted in things like the beauty of nature and being in the wild but also how he was a fast and loyal friend to those he did grow close to. Then his mother’s tragic death occurs and Lee is left wondering what is to become of him.

This is not terrible but of course all that early back story had to go because of the pure length of the MS.

Then the story returns to the reform school and tells how the group of new students is assigned to work in the wood corral for the first several months of their attendance and is not allowed to take any traditional classes. They begin to discover hints of strange and wonderful things going on at the school as well as finding some very interesting architecture that exists within the campus.

Again with the redundant clauses. Working in the wood corral probably makes it obvious they're not allowed to attend classes. Another last sentence that is all tell.

The third chapter flashes back again to Lee’s life with his aunt and uncle in Minnesota and describes the hardships he endures while living under their roof as well as some of the trouble he gets himself into at school. It ends when he is kicked out of their house and sent to live with a friend of the family. Then the book returns to the present and describes a two-man saw tournament that is held in the wood corral on campus, Lee and his Japanese friend Miyamoto just barely miss winning the tournament. After that Lee is caught out of bounds with a female student from his Peer Group and the chapter ends as he worries about his punishment.

This is why writing a synopsis is SO hard for me. There is a fine line between a Table of Contents and a this happens then that happens kind of thing. I imagine it's okay for a synopsis to not be super colorful, but I think it has to retain a little of the voice. This has none.

Lee ends up working for the groundskeeper and after building a softball diamond and raking the sand inside a Zen Rock Garden to resemble a pond during a rainstorm he begins to feel less apprehensive and comes to appreciate the things he is learning at this strange and wonderful school. After finishing the Rock Garden he is taught the ancient art of the Japanese Tea Ceremony and before being taken off his punishment has to perform the rite for the Master of the School. He is very nervous but ends up passing with flying colors.

That paragraph is okay. Just okay.

The sixth chapter flashes back again to Lee’s life as he is sent to Boarding school in Tennessee. It tells how he excels academically but once again ends up mostly as a loner. He begins to get into trouble and is eventually expelled for possessing alcohol within his dorm room. When the story returns to the present Lee and his Peer Group have graduated from the Wood Corral and are allowed to begin taking classes. They soon find out that there are almost no traditional academic classes at this unique reform school.

This got cut too. Too many words.

The first class they attend is East Asian Calligraphy where they learn about Chinese Hanzi characters and their Japanese Kanji counterparts. It is only hinted at that they will eventually be able to use the art to create scrolls with magical properties. Then they attend a history and anthropology class, which is followed by their Aikido lesson, in which there are introduced to the mystical concept of Ch’i or Ki. After that they meet the Sensei of their Kenjutsu class who is a stern man that teaches all the students at the school the martial art of fighting with a weapon, primarily the Japanese Sword known as the Katana.

History got cut too. Another reason I struggle with synopsis writing is that I am so long winded that it is really difficult to include any descriptive or voice specific writing like metaphor or simile without making the synopsis over long. I'm still working on this.

In the second half of the book the students are begun to be taught Yoga and Meditation and they learn to further harness the cosmic breath energy which is known as Prana in Hinduism, Ch’i or Qi in Chinese Taoism and Ki energy in Japanese Buddhism. The first chapter in the second half of the book describes a class in which they paint a traditional Tibetan Mandala Sand-Painting which is a beautiful tool that they use to assist their meditations.

Passive voice. One culture would probably suffice. The Mandala got cut too. I liked that part but again: too long.

Then they build a Medicine Lodge and attend a Native American Sweat Lodge Ceremony in preparation for their Wilderness Challenge which is a journey backpacking into the mountains in Western Montana. The book goes on for several more chapters as they trek out into the wilderness and without giving away the ending it should suffice to say that they encounter many dangerous and exciting things in the wild and end up barely escaping with their lives.

I had no idea at the time that a synopsis is actually supposed to give away the ending. In fact declaring the resolution to the conflict in a way that entices the reader is sort of the key to the whole thing.

Her reply:

This is not for me, but thank you for the look.

That's it. No Dear Matthew, no From REDACTED. Nothing extra. No fat to trim off the bone.

It might seem cold but I actually like this reply. It wastes no one's time. It does not apologize for itself. Sure it's a rejection but it's honest and quick, and hell let's face it ... I see enough rejections that short and sweet (sour) like this is a blessing. Not painless, but certainly less painful.

Anyone have any questions or comments about synopses?

In Your Own Interest

Here is something slightly different. I wrote directly to the agent of one of my favorite authors. I did this once before with Simon Lipskar at Writer's House because he had represented Christopher Paolini but I don't have that query anymore because he does not accept e-queries. Yes, he rejected me too.

Sorry for all the REDACTIONS but this is not about figuring out which agents did what. It's supposed to be about all the hilarious (and sometimes cringe-worthy) blunders I made while running the query gauntlet. This query's actually not as terrible as some of the others.

May 7th, 2009

Dear Ms. REDACTED,

My name is Matthew Rush and I am writing to you specifically because you represented REDACTED in his publishing of the REDACTED Trilogy, by a major publishing house.

I am seeking representation for my YA novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

Some people will say it's okay to put this stuff (word count, title) at the beginning of your query and they might be right but the prevailing wisdom is: start with your pitch/hook. Describe the plot, characters and conflict first because all that technical info does matter, but not as much.

Don't mention a sequel. The bit about following her submission guidelines is okay, it's good to show the respect of taking the time to actually read their website/blog, but like in writing just show them that you did by doing it - no need to spell it out like this.

That synopsis gibberish which you have seen over and over by now is utter rubbish. Everyone knows a synopsis does not do a story justice. It sounds desperate and insecure to put that in here.

I absolutely loved all three of REDACTED'S books and found the humor to be incredibly refreshing in such a fantasy-adventure novel. My story may be intended for a slightly older readership but it is definitely young adult literature.

If you are going to make these kind of comparison's (which you shouldn't) it is good to at least compliment the other author, especially if it's someone the agent represented. If so they are probably pretty good friends, if they weren't they probably wouldn't choose to work together in such an important partnership.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

I'm not going to talk about this paragraph again. It's been analyzed enough.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared.

This paragraph (and part of the one after) could have been the whole query. Just add the very first sentence, but put it at the end, and you've got a decent query. This is a poor example of a pitch/hook, conflict and mini-synopsis, but it is a rough example of the important part of a query. The rest is chaff.

After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

Telling.

I live in the United States but I would love to be represented by the literary agent who has worked with one of my literary heroes. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at US country code +206-555-1212 or to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Did I forget to mention this was a UK agent? Oops. I've gone over before why this is bad. Please see my post: Another Bad Creation for more info.

I have never been published but I am confident that you and REDACTED have proven that one does not have to be a highly experienced or previously best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I think it was Janet Reid at Query Shark who suggested you can take this "looking forward to" part out. She makes a good point because if you're going to be getting rejected ... you're not really looking forward to it. The "thank you" has to stay. Being polite but professional is very important.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

Now I doubly don't know why that synopsis disclaimer is up there, considering I did not include a synopsis in the email. Doh!

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you very much for your inquiry regarding your novel.

However, I feel that in your own interest you should have an agent in the United States to represent your work. First novels often need editorial work and while it is possible to do it via email, it works much better if you can meet and talk things over. As we are only a very small agency, we are unable to take on clients from outside of the UK.

Thank you very much for writing to us. I wish you the every success with your book.

Kind regards,

REDACTED

I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure this is not a form rejection. It doesn't really matter either way: rejected is rejected, but it does feel a little nicer sometimes. This one is really nice in fact, even gives me some concrete advice in its own way. I think it's partly because British people are so much more polite; or at least better at seeming so.

One thing I will point out: This query was sent out on the very second day after I began querying. It is not a great query letter but it IS better than even some of the ones I sent out after it. Why? Because I loved this author and I really wanted to be represented by his agent. The foreign representation issue aside, I spent a lot more time crafting this query. Let that be a lesson. I spent over six months writing my novel. Why not put an equal amount of research/effort/passion into my query letter?

I'm not saying it should take all day to tailor a query letter to a specific agent, but it might help to take it that slow. Send out one highly polished and targeted letter each day for a week. Then see what kind of reactions you get. If it's five form rejections you know it's probably the query.

Oh, and if you have a list of like five or ten agents that you really like - don't query them first. Wait until you've learned a little and gauged the current industry's reaction to your project.

Dear Author

Another early rejected query:

May 12th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult commercial-fiction novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader. I am including a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest.

I can't believe I told her that young adult readers are buying books in droves these days. She's a literary agent for god's sake, as if she doesn't know that.

One sure fire way to insult someone is to tell them how to do their job. If you really wanna infuriate them have no idea what your talking about on top of it.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge. There are no wizards, witches or vampires in my story, just a bit of everyday magic and mysticism that has not been written about in this way before.

I do like the bit where I point out that there are no witches, wizards or vampires. It's a good way to say how my MS stands out from a lot of the other stuff out there. The rest of the paragraph is insufficient though. I can't remember where I got the idea to talk about stuff I like instead of telling what happens in the story but it clearly doesn't work.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

Again, an agent is only interested in personal qualifications if you are writing non-fiction, such as a memoir.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

SYNOPSIS

Her reply:

Dear Author, Please forgive this impersonal note. We receive a tremendous number of query letters and are forced to focus our attention on a limited number of projects. We regret that we must decline the offer to review your work. We encourage you to keep writing and we wish you every success. Sincerely, REDACTED.

This form rejection seems a little lazy. I mean I understand the slushpile is enormous and agents (and their assistants) are extremely busy. I am also aware that this query stinks like a hog farm on a hot day but Dear Author? I mean come on. Begging forgiveness is a nice touch but if you aren't going to take the time to address each writer just leave the salutation out. It just looks bad.

We're told over and over to address our queries to you by name. Even as dumb as I was back then I knew not to address a letter to Dear Agent, Dear Sir or Madam, or To Whom it May Concern. Address a query letter that way and I guarantee it won't concern anyone.

Otherwise you can't blame her. Astronomical word count? Check. Ignorance of genre? Check. Telling her how to do her job? Check. Complete lack of pitch, hook and any idea of what happens in the story? Check.

Lazy form rejection. Why not?

No Comment on Writing Ability

Here is another version of a query I sent out last year. I hate to have to admit that this one was sent to one of my favorite agents (yes still). She is all over the web and blogs with great advice for novice writers. No I'm not going to say who she is but just be aware that there are a lot of agents out there who post a lot of advice and information about who they are and what they seek in submissions. It would definitely benefit you to research any agent as much as possible before you query them. Especially if they have posts out there somewhere with SPECIFIC query writing advice.

Yes she rejected me, but my querying skills and knowledge were still in their infancy back then (as you can see) and she was very kind in her rejection, even if it was probably still form. So, the query:

May 11th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure/commercial fiction crossover novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am including a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your listing in the publishers marketplace suggests query only.

Looking back and knowing my novel I understand why I had such a problem with defining the genre, but I wish I would have researched genres more before making some of these ridiculous claims. My novel is YA. It is probably part fantasy and part adventure but it is not commercial fiction. I don't know where I got that idea. I think I must have thought that made it sound like it would sell. What nonsense.

I believe that you would be an excellent fit for an agent to represent me because you list your specific interests as young adult fiction including fantasy as long as it is unique and really stands out, which I believe describes Warrior-Monks almost perfectly.

This is good. Showing you researched an agent and are aware of their specific interests is a very strong point in a query - or so I'm told. The language I used is not that great though. I should have left out "for an agent" and everything after and including "which I believe". Oh well, good idea, just poor execution.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

We've all seen this bit of clunk before and I really don't know why I was so attached to it at first. I can't believe that in this query I thought this would suffice for pitch, hook, plot and everything. I mean from this query there is no clue as to what HAPPENS in the novel. I guess I thought that since she allowed a synopsis to be included in the letter that would do the trick but after this query she probably didn't even read the synopsis. Would you have?

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

This is weird. I mean first of all it's not necessary. Second of all it makes no sense because nowhere in the query does it say the the MC's mother died or that he was sent to live with an aunt and uncle or any of that. I suspect that I pasted this part in here from another query that included more plot in the pitch and am ashamed to admit how horrid this looks in this example.

No I'm not. I'm not ashamed of anything because this is a process and I have already learned a great deal and continue to learn more everyday. In the beginning I was just being lazy, and maybe a little egotistical, thinking my MS would sell itself. Don't do that. Be humble but confident; believe in yourself and never give up and you will achieve your goals. Even publication if that is what you seek.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

SYNOPSIS

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for querying me. Unfortunately I am going to have to pass at this time. Please don't take this rejection as a comment on your writing ability, because it isn't intended to be one. I'm sure another agent will feel differently.

Best of luck to you with the submission process.

REDACTED REDACTED
Agent
REDACTED Literary & Media Representation

Of course this is a form rejection. I do like that she qualified her rejection, it was nice at the time to think that it had nothing to do with my writing. I now know that this is almost always the case. Great novels get rejected everyday because of weak or even good but not great queries. It's too bad that agent's don't have time to just read pages from everyone who seeks representation but that could only happen beyond the event horizon and regular space-time just doesn't work that way.

Take this as a lesson that it doesn't matter how good your novel is. In fact when querying agents it might help to think of your novel as being bad just so that you spend that much more time polishing and researching your query. You only get once chance to make that all important first impression so arm yourself with knowledge and a query as close to perfect as you can get.

Demanding Clients

Here I found another version of the query. Based on the date this is earlier than the first one I sent out which is odd because it is slightly better.

May 6th, 2009

Dear Mr. REDACTED,

I am seeking representation for my fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

I'm not sure why I left the YA part out in this one. Perhaps he didn't/doesn't represent it or perhaps I just didn't know any better yet. At least I didn't use that genre bending belch of a description you might remember from other queries. Also good to see I didn't say fiction novel.

I will admit to being completely ashamed about that synopsis not doing it justice drivel though. I sound like an idiot.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

I don't know why I stuck with this oh so personal hook for so long. It's not all that terrible but it just doesn't work. As much as each of these things: Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony; is cool, they way they are referred to here takes all the excitement out of them like a balloon without enough air left inside to make a decent farting noise.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I can't decide about this paragraph. It is where the query should have started. It is not bad. It's sort of the first version of a mini synopsis that still exists in my most updated query. However, it's still not great. It's too long and needs a lot of work. See future versions.

I have never been published but I am confident that one does not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Better than other conclusions I've written.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

What happened to the contact info?

His reply:

Thanks for your interest in our agency. Unfortunately you've caught me at a time when the demands of my current clients leave me with very little time to devote to developing new talent and unfortunately in this case I have to pass on the opportunity to pursue this. I'm being extremely, and likely unreasonably, picky so please seek many opinions since my decision may have little to do with the salability of your work.

Sincerely,

REDACTED REDACTED

This one feels personalized but probably isn't. I haven't checked query tracker but I suspect this is a kind but craftily forged form rejection. I will always give credit for trying to be nice though. Interestingly enough this blogger posting WYSIWYG software says that salability is either not a word or is spelled wrong. I'm not a stickler for that kind of thing and it makes sense to me but I always think it's funny when software calls a professional out for being supposedly wrong.

Somehow this feels like one of the best queries I've put on the blog so far. I'm not exactly sure why. It's strange though that this one was sent out before so many of the others. I had thought I was going through a learning process. Seems like I may have had to get dumber before getting smarter.

Oh well, live and learn.

Web Form Form Rejection

I think this was one of those agency websites that asked me to fill out a web form rather than send in an email query. As you can see it completely screwed up my formatting. I would fix it but I'm too lazy and it makes a certain point.

The point being that now it looks like word vomit. Art (or lack thereof) imitating life, or was that the other way around?

Dear
> REDACTED,
>
> I am writing to
> you seeking representation for my young-adult
> fantasy-adventure/commercial fiction crossover novel
> which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete
> at approximately 475,000 words.
> The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only
> in outline form. I am including
> a synopsis as well as the first ten pages of the book
> because that is specifically what The REDACTED Literary
> Agency website asks for.
>
>
> I love Eastern
> Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as
> – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the
> Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of
> art that go into them. I also
> love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as
> Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism.
> Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a
> fantastic way which has never been done in young adult
> fantasy to my knowledge.
>
>
> I have never been
> published but I am confident that many authors like
> Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you
> do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling
> author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal
> qualifications to write this story.
> For example my own mother died when I was eleven
> years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and
> uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in
> Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as
> fascinating as the place in which my characters find
> themselves within this book.
>
>
> Please feel free
> to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at
> any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at
> home at:
>
> ADDRESS
>
> Thank you for your
> consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing
> from you soon.
>
> Sincerely,
> Matthew M.
> Rush
>

Okay, so this query is a little better than some in the past. At least it's shorter. At this level of quality shorter is certainly better.

Her reply:

Thank you very much for your query, which I have read with interest. Unfortunately the project does not seem right for me, and I am sorry I cannot offer to read your work.

I do wish you all the best on finding more suitable representation, and thank you again.

Sincerely,
REDACTED

For some reason her reply came through with normal formatting. Only my clumsy query got the funky carat lines and indentations. Kind of fitting if you ask me.

Can I just say I hate those web form queries? I'm sure they work great for the agents and probably save them time and effort and of course if it lands someone representation that's great, but I don't like them. They're awkward and difficult to keep track of when you're trying to remember who you've queried and when, or if, you should expect to hear back from them.

This rejection was form but polite, and nothing more or less than should have been expected.

Assisted Rejection

Back from my vacation working on dad's house. I think I'll post another query:

May 11th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure/commercial-fiction crossover novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am including a synopsis as well as the introduction/prologue chapter of the book because that is what The REDACTED Agency website asks for.

Ugh. I can't believe I called it a "young-adult fantasy-adventure/commercial-fiction crossover novel". Even if such a thing existed (it doesn't) there would have to be a better way to put it. Preferably just let the hook and plot described in the query grab the agent, then she can figure out the genre bending premise for herself.

I am writing to you because you are recommended by the website Predators and Editors and because I've read your blog post on REDACTED from March 2nd detailing what you are looking for and I feel that Warrior Monks is an ideal fit. I am very happy for Stephanie Meyer and I wish her continued success but when I tried to read Twilight after my daughter finished it I was only able to get about three fourths of the way through the first volume. I suppose it just was not written for me. Warrior-Monks is a fantasy novel in that it incorporates a bit of magic and a lot of mysticism but it is definitely not cliche. The protagonist is a troubled young man who is humble and lonely and is honestly based on my own awkward days as a teenager in many ways. There are no vampires, werewolves or wizards in Warrior Monks, but there are some mysterious old Asian Gurus who teach the characters some incredibly unique things and put a new twist on the idea of young-adult fantasy. Most of the book takes place in the Idaho Panhandle, but there are urban sections and the sequel will be including much more of this kind of thing. I have lived in Seattle, Minneapolis, Boston, and Atlanta and I have a love for the concrete jungle and the teeming culture that is cities.

Wow. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea at the time. Well the agent's blog did say how much she disliked Twilight, so I guess I was trying to go with that, and what I wrote is true, but don't ever compare your work to a published author's by disparaging their work like this, even if you do it nicely. It makes you look like an idiot and an egomaniac at the same time.

The second party of the paragraph is okay but the hook is weak. I should have started the query here.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

This is okay, and as you have seen I used it a lot. However, it is completely unnecessary. Hook the agent on the story, plot, and character(s) and why they should care.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

I think I did this because the agent asked for why you would be qualified to write the story. I'm not sure if that is true but if so I imagine she probably handles non-fiction as well and was referring to that. This kind of drivel is never necessary when seeking representation for fiction.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

SYNOPSIS

CHAPTER

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for submitting your query to The REDACTED Agency. While your proposal shows merit, I'm afraid it's not right for us. As I'm sure you know, this is a very subjective business, and no doubt another agent will feel differently. Best of luck in your writing career.

--
Best wishes,
REDACTED
Assistant
The REDACTED Agency

Clearly form rejection. However, I did like and appreciate the honesty of admitting it was the assistant who replied, we can also assume it was the assistant who read and therefore rejected the query. I can say with confidence that they probably sent the form rejection after reading the clunky genre and the word count. Hell with that awkward genre description they may not have even needed the word count to form reject.

In hindsight it does make me feel a little better that she probably never read the chapter.