ACT ONE SCENE 2 The Boudoir of SIBELLA HALLWARD, an enchanting girl of the upper-middle clas. MONTY arrives with a small gift-wrapped box of chocolates. cr and SIBELLA Monty MONTY Sibella—! SIBELLA Monty! MONTY Sibella, 've wonderful news, you are not going to believe it~ SIBELLA DON'T YOU JUST LOVE ME IN PINK? WOULD YOU, PLEASE? i} monty but— a SIBELLA val MAYBE A FLOWER FOR MY HAIR? NO. NO. YES! NO. VIOLET? NO, ATTAR OF ROSES, I THINK. LOOK, YOU BROUGHT ME CHOCOLATES! OH, NO, | DON'T DARE, MONTY Sibella— SIBELLA DO YOU HATE THESE EARRINGS? NOW THE TRUTH, DON'T BE KIND. 1 DON’T MIND, BECAUSE | HATE THEM, TOO, NO, NO, NO, DON’T SQUEEZE, MONTY, YOU'RE A TEASE,ae A GeNnrLeman’s Guipe TO Love Ap MurpeR (SIBELLA) OH, MONTY, LOOK, MY SHOR! MONTY Of course, and I should like to— SIBELLA 1 DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU! MONTY Sibella SIBELLA 1 HAVE NEVER MET ANOTHER MAN WHO'S HALF AS DEAR AS YOU. YOU'RE SO CLEVER, TOO. AND YOU MAKE ME LAUGH MORE THAN ANYBODY. WHY ARE OTHER MEN SO DREARY, MONTY, AND SO DEADLY DULL? NO ONE HOLDS A CONVERSATION HALF AS BEAUTIFULLY AS YOU! MONTY Well, actually, there is a matter of some urgency I should like to discuss. SIBELLA ‘YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD ABOUT MY DRESS! YOU'RE A BRUTE! ‘SEE HOW IT MOVES WHEN I TURN? TWO-THREE-ONE-TWO. IT'S A BIT MUCH FOR CLAPHAM, BUT NEVERTHELESS, MAYBE JUST A BITE, JUST TO BE POLITE, MONTY, THAP'S TOO TIGHT MONTY, THAT'S JUST RIGHT OH, WHAT I PUP YOU THROUGH! | DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO, |. DO NOT HAVE A CLUE, 1 DON’T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU!a a MONTY Sibella, something miraculous has happened SIBELLA What? MONTY It’s too fantastic. I've just learned that Lam in the line of succession to become Earl of Highhurst SIBELLA Earl? Of Highhurst?! MONTY Yes! It seems that Mother was a D’Ysquith! Which means [ am a D’Ysquith, too! SIBELLA My mother is the Queen of Sheba. I believe that makes me Princess of Babylon. - MONTY You shouldn't make fun. It's true. And there are only eight people before me in succession. Which means, I could be Earl-someday. ~ SIBELLA Laughing:) = a 2 And pigs might fly! As if you could've been a D’Ysquith all your life and not know it, MONTY | realize how it sounds — SIBELLA As if you could ever be an Earl, Eight people would have to die for that to happen! How likely is that? (MONTY takes his hat as if to leave. SIBELLA doesn't want hint to ge. MUSIC fades out.) Oh, ow don't go yet... your Lordship. MONTY Where are you off to, in your pink dress? SIBELLA. To meet @ friend, With a motorcar MONTY Does this friend have a name?14 i A GENTLEMAN'S Guipe TO LOVE AND MURDER SIBELLA Lionel Holland (MONTY'S jaw tightens.) You're jealous of him, Ian tell, Because he has a motorcar. And he’s rich. And good looking. Is it really true, about you being a D'Ysquith? MONTY OF course it is. I'll show you the papers, if you like. SIBELLA No, if you say it's true, of course I'll believe you. (Tenderly:) Darling, we barely spoke at the funeral, Are you quite all right? I should be inconsolable if Td lost my mother, leans forward, pulls her face to his, and kisses her. MUSIC under. SIBELLA’S go around his neck. After a moment, THEY rel MONTY | = Sibella, | think it’s time you took me seriously, SIBELLA Oh, Monty. The man I marry will have wealth and position. MONTY 1 will have wealth and position. SIBELLA What would we live on until then? MONTY Sibella, has it never occurred to you to marry for love? SIBELLA Now your're being cruel (Suddenly, a MAID enters. THEY separate immediately) SIBELLA’S MAID Miss Hallward, Mr, Lionel Holland is here for you SIBELLA And right on time, If only he weren’t so predictable.(SIBELLA) (Singing’) MONTY, WHERE'S MY GLOVE? YOU REALLY ARE A LOVE! MONTY, DON’T LOOK SO BLUE! 1 DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DOF OH, YOU KNOW THAT IT'S TRUE! 1 DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU! DON'T YOU JUST LOVE ME IN PINK? (SIBELLA’S out the door, MONTY steps downstage and receives a letter.) SCENE 2A MONTY “Mr. Montague Navarro, sixty-one and a half, Ursula Grove, Clapham.” (Opening the letter:) “Mz. Navarro: Regarding your inquiry of my father, Lord D’Ysquith, dated seventeen March, nineteen hundred and seven...” (The young dandy ASQUITH D'YSQUITH JR. crosses upstage.) MONTY & ASQUITH JR. “ ... After careful consultation... “” ASQUITH JR. with several members of the D’Ysquith family, it is my duty to inform you that we are unaware of the existence of your mother or, consequently, yourself. It would therefore be of no use for you to trouble the firm, or the family, again. And further, if you should ever attempt to call yourself by the name D'Ysquith, we shall be forced to turn the matter over to our solicitors,” (ASQUITH JUNIOR’s silhouette disappears.) MONTY & ASQUITH JR. Definitively... ” MONTY Reading’) “su Mr. Asquith D’Ysquith, Jr”A GENTLEMAN'S Guipe TO Love AND Murper ~ 37 MONTY It is a generous offer, especially since you'd be paying for the trouble of teaching me. LORD ASQUITH Here is a cheque for twenty pounds, You may want to enhance your wardrol I will expect you here at nine o'clock tomorrow. bh ehh Gham aalad AILOR helps MONTY into a jacket more appropriate for his elevated status, as HE * SIBELLA’S House, MUSIC fades out.) SCENE 7B MONTY MONTY and SIBELLA embrace.) SIBELLA Oh, Monty, I've got wonderful news —well, perhaps you won't think so. I am engaged. To Lionel Holland. ONTY lets go of her. HE strains to appear unaffected.) MONTY | should not be surprised. It is not... unexpected. My best wishes to you both. Naturally SIBELLA Oh, I do hope you'll come to the wedding. It is to be the eleventh of May MONTY 1 shall enter it in my diary, eee SIBELLA (Singing:) MONTY, IT’S SO STRANGE EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE THINK HOW OUR LIVES WILL BE 1 DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'LL DO WITHOUT MEA GENTLEMAN'S GuIDE TO LOVE AND MURDER (SIBELLA) POOR MONTY YOU'RE AWFULLY HANDSOME AND SMART POOR MONTY. YOU'LL RISE ABOVE YOU'LL PUT THE LOSS OF SIBELLA BEHIND, AND YOU WILL FIND, SOMEONE BETTER TO LOVE, POOR MONTY. HAVE I JUST BROKEN YOUR HEART? POOR MONTY. AM 1TO BLAME? IT MAY LOOK BLEAK, BUT IN A WEEK VLL WAGER YOU'LL HAVE FORGOTTEN MY NAME. 1 THINK I CAN PICTURE HER NOW, YOUNG AND WILLING, OH, IT’S THRILLING! IN A WAY, YOU'LL HAVE ME TO THANK. SHE'LL BE PERFECT, A SHOP GIRL, A TEACHER, ‘THE SISTER OF A PREACHER, OR 4 WIDOW WITH CASH IN THE BANK POOR MONTY, COZY IN A COTTAGE FOR TWO. OH, MONTY, SOON THERE'LL BE THREE NOTHING WILL STOP YOUR ASCENT TO THE TOP, YOU'LL OWN YOUR OWN SHOP, MONTY, | GUARANTEE.A GENTLFMAN’S GuIDE TO LOVE AND MURDER = 39 (SIBELLA) AND I'LL RUE THE DAY 1 TURNED YOU AWAY, AND I WILL SAY TO MYSELF. POOR ME. MONTY As it happens, | have news, as well SIBELLA On? MONTY Lord Asquith D’Ysquith has asked me to join the family banking house. In the City. At quite a comfortable salary. (SIBELLA is rather astonished.) 2 SIBELA So what you told me was true, after all You should never have doubted it You've grown older, Monty. Not in looks. You still look like a boy. But now you look as # you had never, ever had a care in the world. (MONTY is about to kiss her, then stops himself) Don’t you want to kiss me? MONTY (Enjoying this turnaround.) What about Lionel? SIBELLA What about him? (THEY kiss each other.) MONTY Sibella, | cannot behave as if the very air you breathe is not to me love's own, narcotic SIBELLA Monty, don’t MONTY Thave not given you up, Sibella. Come away with me, Right now.A GENTLEMAN'S Guipe To Love AND MuRveR 2454 SIBELLA Don’t torture me, Monty, please. (SHE breaks away and hnrties off) SCENE 7C Ny (MONTY watches as SIBELLA, flanked by WEDDING Guess, walks down the aisle in her wedding veil.) My (SIBELLA) WEDDING GUESTS (Singing) 1 CAN PICTURE US NOW, My AH-AH-AH. VERY GRAND, vi) IN DEMAND, ALWAYS SOMEWHERE EXCITING * ALLOF “ MAYFAIR WILL IMITATE US, int LOVE US, AND HATE US i . FOR Wirt BEING THE PEOPLE. Mi NY PEOPLE i A) iy " WANT TO KNOW! ty, ht in ‘ MY HUSBAND ali WILL GROW DISTINGI a MY HUSBAND iat WILL ALWAYS BE. STRAIGHT AS A LINE, STEADY AND FINE, TOTALLY MINE, UNFORTUNATELY, DRY AS A BONE, AN INSUFFERABLE DRONE, DULL AS A STONE. POOR ME.A GENTLEMAN'S GuIDE TO LOVE AND MuRDER SCENE 118 The Last One You'd Expect (Part 2) (We now find MONTY in his new and beautifully appointed Bachelor Apartment. SIBELLA looks around the flat in wonder, SHE is quite beautifully dressed, as befits her elevated station in life. MUSIC continues under) SIBELLA It's wonderful, Monty. I'm so happy for you. MONTY Things have changed, haven't they? SIBELLA And to think— MONTY To think I began life in a third-rate terraced house in Clapham? SIBELLA | suppose we're both doing rather well, arent we? We honeymooned in Firenze. That's Florence, you know. MONTY is it? Just you and Lionel and all those marble statues However did you tell them apart? ate i if SIBELLA Oh, Monty, you're horrid. (SIBELLA drops the pretense with a sigh.) Lionel. 1 would never have believed that good looks could bore one so soon. MONTY I'm afraid good-looking people who are stupid try one’s nerves sooner than plain people who are stupid. At least plain people do feel they must make an effort. SIBELLA Lionel is not only stupid, he is vulgar. MONTY Let's not discuss your honeymoon, shall we? SIBELLA Let’s not (THEY fall into a passionate embrace and roll across the bed. MONTY is wow ina coital sleep.)ie One You (SIBELLA) (To AUDIENCE:) poken:) (Spoken, to (Singing) WHO'D HAVE BELIEVED THAT MONTY NAVARRO. EVER WOULD COME SO FAR, SO FAST? NEVER HAVE SEEN A MAN SO KEEN TO OVERCOME HIS PAST NOW HE CAN LIVE IN PRINCELY FASHION, AS THE D'YSQUITH NAME REQUIRES. HE CAN PURSUE WITH ALL HIS PASSION EV’RYTHING HE DESIRES. 1 MUST GO. MONTY WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN? SIBELL. OF COURSE. aan Hae SOME MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT HIM UNSUITABLE. THEY WERE, OF COURSE, INCORRECT. 1 ALWAYS BELIEVED IN MONTY NAVARRO, EVEN THOUGH, IN RETROSPECT, WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED WHOSE BELL I'D RING ‘THIS VERY AFTERNOON? MONTY:) TOMORROW? MONTY TOMORROW, SIBELLA ONLY JUST UNPACKED FROM MY PROTRACT ED HONEYMOON! HE'S THE LAST ONE YOU'D EXPECT!A GENTLEMAN'S G 3RD ACTOR In the temple! ALL THREE ACTORS ‘Shot herself! MONTY (Recorded V-O) urbe ro Love AnD Murver = 69 = The audience leapt to its feet. Tragically, Lady Salome did not SCENE 11F Reed LORD ASQUITH D‘YSQUITH, SIBELLA and PHOEBE sing.) LORD ASQUITH OOK AT HIM. SIBELLA LOOK AT HIM Now. NO DENYING HIS HUMBLE START... IT FILLS UP THIS POOR ae [0 WOULD'VE GUESSED? HEART. 1AM IMPRESSED! HOW HE'S PROGRESSED! WHEN I SEE HOW WELL HE'S DONE A WIFE WHO MEETS HER OBLIGATIONS IS ALLOWED TO HAVE HER SIBELLA FUN. LORD ASQUITH LOOK AT HIM LOOK WHAT HE'S SHOWN HOW MY FONDNESS HAS GROWN, TILL HE'S ALMOST LIKE ASON! AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH. AH-AH. PHOEBE LOOK AT HIM. ALL THE LOYALTY HE Has SHOWN HOW MY FONDNESS FOR HM HAS GROWN AH-AH-AH-AH-AML-ALL AH-AH.A GENTLEMAN’ s Guipr TO Love AND Murper LORD ASQUITH, PHOEBE & SIBELLA SOME MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT HIM UNSUITABL BUT IF THEY TOOK A PAUSE TO REFLECT. THEY WOULD SEIZE ON HIS MATCHLESS ABILITIES, HE'S THE BEST OF THE BREED, THOUGH HE HE LAST ONE YOU'D EXPECT! SCENE 11G Pity eel eck ee Bank. LORD ASQUITH D’YSQUITH takes a seat behind his desk, shaken. MONTY enters.) LORD ASQUITH nere seems to be a terrible curse on our family. Has it struck you what th MONTY Siz the possibility has always seemed so remote. LORD ASQUITH ‘bt business has improved under your care. Ishould like to double our present salary, and announce to the firm that I have appointed you my MONTY Your lordship, there are no words. (LORD ASQUITH D‘YSQUITH disappears, leaving MONTY alone on stage ra ONLY TWO PEOPLE LEFT STILL ALIVE WHO STAND BETWEEN THE EARLDOM AND ME ONLY TWO WHO SURVIVE WHO ARE STILL ABOVE ME ON THE D'YSQUITH FAM'LY TREE 1S THE NEXT ONE MY EMPLOYER? ASQUITH D’YSQUITH? BUT HE'S TREATED ME SO WELL HOW UNGRATEFUL TO REMOVE HIM, AFTER ALL HIS KINDNESS —A GENTLEMAN'S GuipE TO Love AND MuRDER (MONTY) OH, WHAT HELL BUT REMEMBER, HE WAS HATEFUL! ASQUITH D'YSQUITH WAS THE CAUSE OF MOTHER'S GRIFF! HE DENIED HER, VILIFIED HER, TOOK AWAY HER BIRTHRIGHT LIKE A THIEF! ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS HE NOT BEEN RATHER DECENT, MAKING ME SUCCESSOR, MUST ADMIT 1 HATE TO DOIT, 1VE GROWN RATHER FOND OF HIM AND— LORD ASQUITH D‘YSQUITH’S PHYSICIAN suddenly appears.) LORD ASQUITH’S PHYSICIAN Pardon me, Mr. Navarro. It is my sad duty to report that Lord Asquith D’Ysquith has gone to his great reward. IONTY Ok, no! What happened?! LORD ASQUITH’S PHYSICIAN (Nodding gravely.) Heart attack. At least he did not suffer, sir, MONTY (After a beat:) ONLY ONE PERSON LEFT STILL, ALIVE WHO STANDS BETWEEN THE EARLDOM AND ME} SCENE 11H (The rest of the COMPANY appears.) COMPANY ONLY ONE! ONLY ONE! ONLY ONE! ci aA GENTLEMAN'S Guipr TO Love AND Muroer (COMPANY) WHO STANDS BETWEEN THE EARLDOM AND HE! ONLY ONE! ONLY ONE! ONLY ONE! MONTY COMPANY ONLY ONE ABOVE ME ON THE TREE! AH-AH, PHOEBE and SIBELLA join in.) PHOEBE SIBELLA ENSEMBLE I ENSEMBLE II LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! iANKS TO HIM THANKS TO HIM 1 LHAVE BEEN LOOK AT HIM! RENEWED LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! a LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! By HIS VIRTUE — = Ss AND FORTITUDE. AND FORTITUDE. PHOEBE, SIBELLA & COMPANY HE'S THE LAST ONE YOU'D EXPECT! (LORD ADALBERT opens a newspaper.) LORD ADALBERT (Reading:) “Alter the tragic demise of Lady Salome, the sudden death of Lor Asquith D’Ysquith brings to seven the number of heirs to the D’Ysquith fortune who have died since last year. Leaving one Montague D'Ysquith Navarro next in the succession.” (Elsewhere onstage, SIBELLA and PHOEBE have been reading the same.) SIBELLA Hmmm. How very lucky for Monty Navarro.A GENTLEMAN'S GUIDE TO Love PHOEBE How astounding (MISS SHINGLE lowers a newspaper, revealing herself) MISS SHINGLE How peculiar WOMEN 17'S ASTOUNDING! MEN AND PECULIAR! COMPANY YES, HOW UTTERLY PECULIAR! ALL MONTY NAVARRO! HOW HAVE YOU COME SO VERY FAR? MONTY NAVARRO! EARNEST AND CIRCUMSPECT! MONTY NAVARRO! NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOU REALLY ARE! WHO WOULD EVER SUSPECT?! LORD ADALBERT — PHOEBE SIBELLA & MEN MONTY NA- VARRO! MONTY NA— MONTY NA— MONTY NAVARRO! VARRO! VARRO! NAVARRO! NAVARRO! ALL MONTY “D'YSQUITH” NAVARRO! MONTY 1AM THE NEXT BARL OF HIGHHURST! ALL AND THE LAST ONE YOU'D EXPECT! (MONTY winds up back in his Prison Cell, alone with his memoir.) END OF acTI AND MURDER ENSEMBLE MONTY NA— VARRO! VARRO! NAVARRO!