Romeo and Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending (1st ed. - 09.13.

13) - romeojuliet_fraistatCes
Copyright © 2013 Ann Fraistat and Shawn Fraistat
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For the original cast, crew, and treecube, who brought this show to life.

And for Rosaline, Romeo and Juliet’s forgotten heroine.

Cast of Characters

ROMEO, Is Romeo in love with love or in love with a girl? Does

he live for lofty ideals or is he down-to-earth when it really
counts? Who knows? Because the audience decides. Romeo’s
priorities and his understanding of love change every night,
but he is always quick-witted, brave, poetic, and sensitive.
Sometimes way too sensitive.
JULIET, A headstrong romantic with a bit of a temper inherited
from her Capulet family. She has trouble controlling the strong
emotions that are so new to her (after all, the character is
technically only thirteen…).
ROSALINE,*In her late teens and, strangely enough, also a Capulet.
(Yes, that actually is mentioned quickly in the original play.
See Lord Capulet’s party invitation refer to her as “my fair
niece Rosaline” in Act I, Scene 2.) In this play, she is Juliet’s
cousin, Tybalt’s sister. She is older and more cynical than Juliet.
She has no patience with men and thinks them incapable of
being faithful. She’s brilliant, but uses her quick wit as a shield
to keep suitors from getting close to her. At the start of the play,
she has already rejected Romeo and is planning to become a
nun.
MERCUTIO,Romeo’s best friend. He’s lively and makes fun of
almost anything, but has a dark, moody side lurking under his
jovial exterior. He’s loyal, but can be forgetful. He loves parties,
illegal substances, and dressing up in drag.
BENVOLIO, Romeo’s cousin. In this play, Benvolio often plays the
part of Juliet’s true (or not so true) love. He loves talking about
his moral ideals, but he’s a scaredy-cat and hypocrite.
TYBALT, Juliet’s cousin, Rosaline’s protective brother. Tybalt doesn’t
know why he loathes the Montagues so much, especially
Benvolio and Romeo—he just does. In Tybalt’s mind, his pride
and the honor of his family are always at stake.
THE FRIAR,* Clever, well-intentioned, and increasingly put upon as
the play develops. He is the person everyone goes to, expecting
instant solutions to impossible problems. He accepts this role,
but not without some irritation.
LORD CAPULET, Father of Juliet, uncle to Tybalt and Rosaline. Lord
Capulet is a patriarch with a terrible temper and can’t stand to
be opposed.

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PARIS, Juliet’s suitor, relative of Mercutio and the Prince. Paris is,
in his opinion, God’s gift to women and the world. Especially
proud of his physique.
THE NURSE, Juliet’s nurse. Talks too much and rarely to the point.
Has a strange fascination with male posteriors. Doesn’t have to
be played by a man in drag with an outrageous British accent,
but it wouldn’t hurt.
THE PRINCE,* The Prince of Verona, kinsman to Mercutio and
Paris. Fed up with the Capulet/Montague feud.
LORD MONTAGUE,* Romeo’s father.
THE LADY,* An attractive lady Mercutio badly hits on.
FRIAR JOHN,* The Friar’s forgetful friend.

*Denotes a character that only appears on certain tracks of the play.

Casting Notes

There are 14 roles in the script, which can be played by as few as 6

actors. Not all roles appear in all 8 tracks of the play.
For a cast of 6, the recommended breakdown is as follows:
Actor A (Male): Romeo
Actor B (Female): Juliet, Lady
Actor C (Female): Rosaline, Friar
Actor D (Male): Mercutio, Nurse, Friar John, Lord Montague (only
on JDA track)
Actor E (Male): Benvolio, Lord Capulet
Actor F (Male): Tybalt, Paris, The Prince, Lord Montague (every
track but JDA)
If this casting recommendation is followed, please note that there are
certain scenes where quick costume changes and creative entrances
and exits will be required. For instance, in Act IV (JLA), Scene 5,
Benvolio may die onstage behind the tomb, change costumes while
hidden from the audience’s sight, and pop up to enter suddenly as
Lord Capulet.
In the original casting, all actors’ ages were between 20-25.

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On the Language

In addition to material quoted from the original Romeo and Juliet,

substantial portions of this play are written in iambic pentameter.
Though generally characters speak in meter, they lapse into prose
in a number of circumstances. First, characters speak in prose when
they are clowning, especially when making quick asides or dirty
jokes. Second, characters sometimes fall into prose when they are
uncomfortable with the sentiment they are expressing or are
disenchanted with the world of the play. For example, Romeo and
Juliet both begin speaking in prose on the JDB track once Romeo
decides not to drink the poison.
The reverse of this also holds true. Characters are more likely to
speak in verse if they are not disenchanted with the world of the play
and if the sentiments they are expressing are particularly consonant
with their character, e.g., Rosaline begins the play talking in prose,
but starts to speak in verse as she falls progressively in love with
Romeo. In moments of particularly vehement and characteristic
emotion, they may even begin speaking in couplets or sonnets.
Tybalt, for instance, becomes increasingly poetic the more hateful
he’s being, talking in couplets on several occasions and even lapsing
into a “hate sonnet” in Act III (RL), Scene 1.
When a complete iambic line is divided between multiple characters,
we have indicated this with the symbols: >> and <<.

8
Romeo and Juliet’s Ending: Anything but Inevitable

Chorus:
Now old desire doth in his deathbed lie,
And young affection gapes to be his heir;
That fair for which love groaned for and would die,
With tender Juliet matched, is now not fair.
Now Romeo is beloved and loves again,
Alike bewitchèd by the charm of looks;
But to his foe supposed he must complain.
And she steal love’s sweet bait from fearful hooks.
Being held a foe, he may not have access
To breathe such vows as lovers use to swear,
And she as much in love, her means much less
To meet her new belovèd anywhere:
But passion lends them power, time means, to meet,
Temp’ring extremities with extreme sweet.

-William Shakespeare on Romeo’s transition from Rosaline to Juliet

Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Prologue

Today, Romeo and Juliet is often viewed as a story about tragic fate
and love at first sight. Yet Shakespeare’s script contains elements that
suggest that reading is by no means ironclad. In particular, the fact
that Romeo begins the play in love with another woman, Rosaline,
whom he quickly forgets, hints at an element of willful choice in the
love he feels for Juliet—and where there is choice, far more than the
stars are at work. By restoring Rosaline as a live possibility, Romeo
& Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending aims to explore the role of choice in
love by stripping the shield of fate away from these characters and
placing the process of decision-making front and center.
To what extent does love contain an element of choice? To what
extent are lovers brought together by the desire to live out a certain
kind of love story rather than by one another’s specific qualities?
And to what extent is falling in love a transformative experience?
Would it be truer to say that people never really change, and that
feelings of personal transformation are illusory?
Because we believe that there is no one right answer to these
questions, Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending has eight different
endings, each exploring alternative ways of resolving them. By
giving the audience the opportunity to vote, our goal is to include
them in the exploration, such that the performers and the audience
members wind up telling a story about love together. Whether
Romeo winds up with Juliet, Rosaline, or with no one at all, and

9
whether the ending the audience sees is tragic, happy, or irreverent,
we intend every answer and every story to be treated as equally
legitimate.
For this reason, during the original rehearsal process, each track was
first rehearsed separately as its own individual play, starting with
Shakespeare’s original story and then diverging farther and farther
from this point. The exact order of rehearsal was: JDA, JDB, JLA, JLB,
RDA, RDB, RLA, RLB. Only after each track was understood on its
own did the actors begin to perform run-throughs without knowing
which track the production team would choose. This allowed the
cast and crew to invest in all eight stories and prepared them to
perform a show with an ending that is anything but inevitable.

10
The Track Breakdown
Acknowledgments

Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending premiered as part of the 2010
Capital Fringe Festival and was performed by The Impressionable
Players (Ann Fraistat, Artistic Director), in Washington, DC in July
2010 with the following cast and crew:
ROMEO. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . James Waters
JULIET, LADY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kyra Corradin
ROSALINE, FRIAR. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Branda Lock
MERCUTIO, NURSE, FRIAR JOHN,
LORD MONTAGUE (JDA). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jayme Bell
BENVOLIO, LORD CAPULET . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rob Mueller
TYBALT, PARIS, PRINCE,
LORD MONTAGUE
(All tracks but JDA). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Matt Sparacino
U/S JULIET, LADY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Katie Jeffries
U/S ROSALINE, FRIAR. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tracy Haupt
Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ann Fraistat
Production & Stage Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . Melanie Shur
Assistant Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chelsie Lloyd
Costume Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chelsea Kerl
Set & Prop Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mandy Yu
Fight Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lex Davis
Graphic Designer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erica Mays
Assistant Stage Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kate Richard

12
Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending was subsequently presented
by The New York International Fringe Festival, a production of The
Present Company, and performed by The Impressionable Players
(Ann Fraistat, Artistic Director), in New York, NY in August 2011
with the following cast and crew:
ROMEO. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . James Waters
JULIET, LADY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kyra Corradin
ROSALINE, FRIAR. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Katie Jeffries
MERCUTIO, NURSE, FRIAR JOHN,
LORD MONTAGUE (JDA). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jayme Bell
BENVOLIO, LORD CAPULET . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rob Mueller
TYBALT, PARIS, PRINCE,
LORD MONTAGUE
(All tracks but JDA). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Matt Sparacino
Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ann Fraistat
Production Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Melanie Shur
Stage Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shana Ferguson
Assistant Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chelsie Lloyd
Costume Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chelsea Kerl
Lighting Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jason Aufdem-Brinke
Set & Prop Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mandy Yu
Fight Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lex Davis
Graphic Designer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Amanda Russell
Wardrobe Crew. . . . . . Natalie Piegari and Sean Forsythe

13
Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending, Capital Fringe Festival, Washington,
DC (2010). Photo: Joe Flood.
 Romeo & Juliet:
Choose Your Own Ending
by Ann Fraistat and Shawn Fraistat
(and William Shakespeare)

Prologue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
Are children born whose fate is now at stake,
For they will share momentous joys and woes
Determined by decisions that you make.
Dear audience, you shall be called to give
Your vote at three key junctures in our story
And Romeo will you obey, to live
The love you choose or die in boundless glory.
At last you’ll see the ending you have chose—
But what that end will be, God only knows.

15
 Act I

Act I, Scene 1

(Verona, a public place. ROMEO enters.)

ROMEO.(Writing in a diary:) Rosaline.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
…Perchance, she shall notice that “temperate” and “date” don’t
rhyme. What rhymes with “date”? Ah!
I would love thee even if thou gainest weight!
…She’s gonna hate this.
(BENVOLIO enters in a panic. Hides behind set.)
ROMEO.Well, hello there, Benvolio.
BENVOLIO.O Romeo, good morrow…
ROMEO.Coz, is the day so young? >>
BENVOLIO.<< But new struck nine.
I think. I don’t know. Where am I?
ROMEO.Ay me! Sad hours seem long. Was it my father
That sent thee hither in such awful haste?
BENVOLIO.Nay, ’twas motherfucking Tybalt.
I spake of peace, but Tybalt hates the word.
He really hates it. Even though I made
My best attempt to make him sheathe his sword,
He seemed to want to sheathe it in my face,
And so I beat a tactical retreat.
ROMEO.My God!
Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.
Why, then, O brawling love, O loving hate,
O anything, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness, serious vanity,
Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
BENVOLIO.I feel no love in it either—mostly just some side cramps.
ROMEO.O, there I envy you, Benvolio,
For thy sole pains are from great terror felt,
And thou art spared the dagger blows of love.

17
18 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

BENVOLIO.What’s this? What lovely dagger wounds thee now?

ROMEO.What, shall I groan and tell thee? >>
BENVOLIO.<< Groan! Why, no;
But sadly tell me who.
ROMEO.In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman.
BENVOLIO.I take it thou dost speak of Rosaline?
ROMEO.Though thou hitt’st truly, she shall not be hit
With Cupid’s arrow. She hath Dian’s wit,
And, in strong proof of chastity well armed,
From Love’s weak childish bow she lives unharmed.
BENVOLIO.Then she hath sworn that she will still live chaste?
ROMEO.She hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste;
She hath forsworn to love, and in that vow
Do I live dead that live to tell it now.
BENVOLIO.Be ruled by me; forget to think of her.
ROMEO.O, teach me how I should forget to think!
BENVOLIO.By giving liberty unto thine eyes.
Examine other beauties.
ROMEO.Show me a mistress that is passing fair:
What doth her beauty serve but as a note
Where I may read who passed that passing fair?
(MERCUTIO enters.)
MERCUTIO.Good morrow, gentlemen!
ROMEO.How now, friend Mercutio?
MERCUTIO.I now how quite well, thank you! I come bearing good
tidings! And access to free booze.
BENVOLIO.How’s this?
MERCUTIO. (Reading from invitation:) “This night, at the house of
Capulet, we hold an old accustomed feast. If you be not of the house
of Montagues, I pray come and crush a cup of wine.” And I have
invitations enough for thee!
ROMEO. But, good Mercutio, Benvolio and I are of the house of
Montague.
BENVOLIO. If Tybalt sees me, he’ll make me eat my own pants.
He’s done it before.
ROMEO.How much of thy pants?
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 19

BENVOLIO.All of them. I bear it pretty well, except for the zipper.

MERCUTIO.Well, tonight thou wilt not be ruminating thy raiment,
for I have the perfect plan. I mean to gain you entry by way of a
device.
BENVOLIO.Pray, what device is this?
(MERCUTIO holds up a package of fake mustaches.)
ROMEO.You’re an idiot.
MERCUTIO.Tut, man! A mustache will disguise thee well!
No Capulet will know thy sullen face
Once there atop thy trembling lip is placed
This bold and dashing ’stache! >>
ROMEO.<< O dash the ’stache!
Thy worthless plan will fail and get us killed!
MERCUTIO.Well, here’s a merry mood! Benvolio,
Thy gloomy coz is disappointing me.
Wilt thou not try this on? >>
BENVOLIO.<< But I don’t think—
(MERCUTIO slaps a mustache on him.)
MERCUTIO.There we go! Ah, how changed his aspect is!
BENVOLIO.Do I look good?
ROMEO. O God, hide all the women! ’Cause it looks like thou art
planning to tie them to train tracks.
MERCUTIO.What? Nay! Thou lookest like a martial type,
A soldier filled with strength and confidence!
Thy face is most distinguished with the ’stache!
BENVOLIO.Really?
MERCUTIO. No, here’s you: (Cackles wildly and twists imaginary
mustache:) “Yes, yesss, here comes the 6:09! Yesss!”
BENVOLIO.I’m not wearing this!
ROMEO.Ay, this will not do at all, Mercutio.
MERCUTIO.O, quit thy bitching, thou contrary soul!
God, thou art not thyself at all of late!
What sadness lengthens Romeo’s hours?
ROMEO.Not having that which having makes them short.
MERCUTIO.A jaunty tune?
ROMEO.No.
20 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO.The right drugs?

ROMEO.No!
MERCUTIO.Ah! In love?
ROMEO.Out—
MERCUTIO.Of love?
ROMEO.Out of her favor where I am in love.
MERCUTIO.(To BENVOLIO:) Rosaline?
BENVOLIO.It never ends.
ROMEO.Mercutio, dear friend, how can I go
And drink with thee—mustachioed or nay—
When she who hath my heart denies my love?
MERCUTIO.Well, sir, perhaps this may of int’rest be—
At this same ancient feast of Capulet’s
Sups the fair Rosaline whom thou so loves;
With all the admirèd beauties of Verona.
BENVOLIO.But, Tybalt—!
MERCUTIO.Benvolio, Tybalt will not be there,
As some business affair calls him away!
Thou wilt be safe, and maids for thee await,
Whose drunkenness impacts their standards so:
(Gestures with sound effect to indicate dramatic lowering.)
BENVOLIO.What’s this? Why didst thou not say so before?
’Cause, in that case, this festivity will help you, coz!
Come with us; and with unattainted eye
Compare her face with some that we shall show,
And we will make thee think thy swan a crow.
ROMEO.Rosaline’s really going to be there?
MERCUTIO.Ay, so I’ve heard on good authority!
ROMEO.O very well, my friends, I’ll come along;
But ’tis no wit to go. >>
MERCUTIO.<< Why, may one ask?
ROMEO.I dreamt a dream tonight. >>
MERCUTIO.<< And so did I.
ROMEO.Well, what was yours? >>
MERCUTIO.<< That dreamers often lie.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 21

ROMEO.In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.

MERCUTIO.O, then I see Queen Mab hath been with you!
BENVOLIO.O no, not this again.
MERCUTIO.She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes
In shape no bigger than an agate stone
On the forefinger of an alderman,
Drawn with a team of little atomies
Over men’s noses as they lie asleep;
Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut
Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub,
And in this state she gallops night by night
Through lovers’ brains, and then they dream of love;
O’er lawyers’ fingers, who straight dream on fees.
Sometime she driveth o’er a soldier’s neck,
And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats,
Of healths five-fathom deep; and then anon
Drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes,
And being thus frighted, swears a prayer or two
And sleeps again. This is that very Mab
That plates the manes of horses in the night
And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs,
Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes:
This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs,
That presses them and learns them first to bear,
Making them women of good carriage:
This is she—
ROMEO.Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace!
Thou talk’st of nothing. >>
MERCUTIO.<< True, I talk of dreams.
BENVOLIO.It wouldn’t be the first time, either.
MERCUTIO.What’s that supposed to mean?
ROMEO. He means that thou launchest into that rant on many
occasions.
BENVOLIO.Like, all the time.
ROMEO.And thou art always so angry by the end…
BENVOLIO.Yeah, it gets a little scary.
MERCUTIO.O, I did not realize. Well, I could talk about my other
dreams. Did I tell you about the one with the shark with my father’s
face on it?
22 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

BENVOLIO.God, I don’t want to hear it!

ROMEO.Jesus, Mercutio—perchance thou shouldst talk to someone.
MERCUTIO.Probably. I had a complicated childhood.
But now, my friends, let’s stiff our upper lips
So I may place mustaches upon them!
We must hasten to prepare for the feast!
ROMEO.I’m still afraid, my friend; for my mind misgives
Some consequence yet hanging in the stars
Shall bitterly begin his fearful date
With this night’s revels and expire the term
Of a despisèd life, closed in my breast,
By some vile forfeit of untimely death.
MERCUTIO.Or not. I mean, you don’t know that.
ROMEO. Well, that’s true. I suppose it depends on whether or not
people make terrible decisions.
(ROMEO, MERCUTIO, and BENVOLIO fix a cautionary look
at the audience.)
(Exeunt.)

Act I, Scene 2

(A hall in CAPULET’s house. ROMEO, BENVOLIO, and

MERCUTIO enter, still wearing fake mustaches.)
MERCUTIO.Good friends, look you upon this revelry!
Verona’s fairest ladies are all here!
BENVOLIO.Mercutio, hold! Why is it that the guests
Of Capulet all came here wearing masks?
MERCUTIO.Because Capulet’s feast is a masque ball.
BENVOLIO.Why don’t we have masks?!
MERCUTIO.We have mustaches.
BENVOLIO.We’re going. To die.
MERCUTIO.O bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch… >>
BENVOLIO.<< Thou art the bitch!
ROMEO.I think that we should quit this place ere long.
MERCUTIO. Relax! What are you so worried about? Fierce Tybalt
is not here.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 23

BENVOLIO.Holy balls! Fierce Tybalt is right there!

MERCUTIO.He is? Oh, snap!
ROMEO.Mercutio, what the hell?!
BENVOLIO.O God! O God, O God, I have to hide! (Hides.)
MERCUTIO.My friends, thy heads hang too heavy with fear.
Trust in thy ’stache, for it will hide thee well.
Worst come, what matter if they notice thee?
Tonight, the raging Tybalt maketh merry!
The Capulets won’t risk embarrassment
By brawling here in front of pow’rful guests!
Tonight, the prince of cats is but a pussy.
ROMEO.Then shortly thou wilt be all over him.
BENVOLIO.(Laughing:) Thou just got burnèd!
MERCUTIO.Shut up and get thee out from there, wussbag.
Since Romeo already slanders me
And calls me pussy-chaser, I lose naught
By striving to deserve that reputation!
I say we three go dance! >>
BENVOLIO.<< O, I don’t think—
MERCUTIO.What part of drunk girls don’t you understand?
Come on! Is brave Benvolio a coward?
BENVOLIO.A coward? Me?! Why that’s ridiculous!
I’ll show thee, I will dance! >>
MERCUTIO.<< And Romeo…?
ROMEO.Not I, believe me. You have dancing shoes
With nimble soles; I have a soul of lead
So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.
MERCUTIO.You are a lover. Borrow Cupid’s wings,
And soar with them above a common bound.
ROMEO.I am too sore enpiercèd with his shaft
To soar with his light feathers; and so bound,
I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe.
Under love’s heavy burden do I sink.
MERCUTIO.And, to sink in it, should you burden love—
Too great oppression for a tender thing.
ROMEO.Is love a tender thing? It is too rough,
Too rude, too boist’rous, and it pricks like thorn.
24 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO.If love be rough with you, be rough with love;

Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down!
ROMEO.Listen, prick, thou art not getting the part where I’m too
depressed for this. Dance without me.
MERCUTIO.Now I’m convinced you both fear pussies.
BENVOLIO.Leave him alone; perchance anon he’ll join.
MERCUTIO.Perchance anon I’ll slap his stupid face.
(MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO exit.)
ROMEO.O miserable feast! O wretched night!
I came here to behold fair Rosaline,
But nowhere is the maid I long to view!
There is nothing for me but to look on
Revelers merry as they dance, sigh, and
Lament my sorry state.
(Suddenly noticing JULIET, who is offstage:)
Wait! O, but, soft!
What lady’s that which doth enrich the hand
Of yonder knight? I know not who she is,
But she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
Pray, gentle audience, what should I do?
To this maid speak, or wait for my love true?
Tell me with whom I should throw in my lot!
Rosaline, or this girl whose name I know not?
If you’d like me to pursue Rosaline, please raise your hands now.
(Give audience time to vote. ROMEO should count votes and feel
free to improvise any speech required to conduct voting process.)
If you’d like me to pursue this girl I don’t know, please raise your
hands now.
(Allow audience to vote for this option. Vote for JULIET leads to
Act II (J), Scene 1 on page 25; vote for ROSALINE, Act II (R),
Scene 1 on page 85.)
 Act II (J)

Act II (J), Scene 1

(Scene continues from Act I, Scene 2.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. Rosaline hath
Sworn herself chaste, and will never return
My affections. O, what a fool am I!
Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!
For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night!
(JULIET enters. NURSE follows.)
NURSE.O my lady Juliet, where’re you getting off to?
JULIET.Peace, good nurse, peace!
I need a moment’s rest from County Paris!
NURSE.Why hast thou need of rest? By my bloomers, what’s wrong
with the county?
JULIET.Well, for starters—
(Enter CAPULET and PARIS.)
CAPULET.Yea, County Paris, true, this latest clash
Hath not endeared us to our sovereign prince,
Who threatens Montague and I alike
Should it recur; but ’tis not hard, I think,
For men so old as we to keep the peace.
PARIS.Lord Capulet, you both are hon’rable,
And pity ’tis you lived so long at odds.
But now, my lord, what say you to my suit?
CAPULET.But saying o’er what I have said before:
My Juliet’s a stranger in the world,
She hath not seen the change of fourteen years;
Let two more summers wither in their pride
Ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.
PARIS.Younger than she are happy mothers made.
JULIET.But happier still are those allowed to wait.
NURSE. Now, hush, my child, opinions are for men. (Aside, to
JULIET:) Foolish girl, if thou must give offense, give it to a man less
wealthy, and less handsome! Why, I tell thee, if I were thy age—
JULIET.I know, I know! Peace, Nurse, he can hear thee!
NURSE. Let him hear! I’d tell the world the things I’d do to that
man. And if thou deniest his love, then I have me half a mind to rip

25
26 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

off his pants right here and have at it, if you know what I’m saying
and I think you know what I’m saying—
PARIS.(Cutting her off:) I think we all know what thou art saying.
I understand thy zeal quite well, good nurse,
For many tell me I’m a handsome man.
Yea, I’ve been working on my six-pack
And have an abdomen formidable.
One glance at said abdomen, I’d wager,
Will be enough to quell thy lady’s doubts.
JULIET.It would have to be quite an abdomen.
PARIS. I do many crunches. Behold! (PARIS rips open his shirt to
display abs; then directs them at JULIET intensely.)
CAPULET.(Gesturing for PARIS to put away his abs:) And we shall see
if that doth sway in time.
PARIS.Well, I must take leave for my midnight workout.
Please muse upon this portrait of my abs.
(Handing JULIET a miniature portrait:)
My lady, fare thee well ’til next we meet!
(PARIS exits.)
CAPULET.How, daughter, what think you of the county?
JULIET.Um…
CAPULET.Come, heart, art thou moved beyond thy words?
NURSE.Well, I don’t know if she be, but Lord knows I’m not! I could
talk about that man for hours, I could! O, Juliet, didst thou mark that
rump! Such a manly rump, I know I’ve never seen in all my time!
And I have seen many a man rump in my time! Why, Lord knows I
could stand here and recount every man rump ’twas I ever saw, and
not a single one would live up to the county’s!
JULIET.Please don’t.
NURSE.Too late! Why, the first one I recall was back when I was but
a girl, first opening my eyes to the charms of men…
CAPULET.Enough of this; I pray thee, hold thy peace!
(Pulling JULIET aside:) Come daughter, talk where I might hear thee.
JULIET.Ay, as you wish, father.
NURSE.Well, that was right hurtful, that was. Here I was trying to
recount my fond memories, and no one wants to listen…
(TYBALT enters.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 27

NURSE. O, Tybalt, sir! How glad I am to see you! I was just talking
with my lady and thy uncle about man rumps when they withdrew
and left me here all by myself. But I know that thou wilt listen—
TYBALT.Nurse, shut up. Who is that gazing at
My dear cousin? >>
NURSE.<< O, Tybalt, I know not.
TYBALT.This, by his frame, should be a Montague!
Yet he is too handsomely mustachèd…
(ROMEO’s mustache comes loose; he reapplies it.)
The mustache is false! ’Tis that Romeo!
I must fetch my rapier. What! Dares the slave
Come hither, donning a fantastic ’stache
To fleer and scorn at our solemnity?
Now, by the stock and honor of my kin,
To strike him dead I hold it not a sin.
(TYBALT begins to cross. CAPULET stops him.)
CAPULET.Why, how now, kinsman? Wherefore storm you so?
TYBALT.Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe,
A villain, that is hither come in spite
To scorn at our solemnity this night.
CAPULET.Content thee, gentle coz, let him alone.
TYBALT.He is a villain! I’ll not endure him!
CAPULET.Why dost thou think him a villain?
TYBALT.(Sputtering:) Is it not obvious? You can’t descry
The villainy that lurks in yon rogue’s eye?!
More, ’tis his eyebrows that give him away!
He hath the eyebrows of a snake, I say!
He raiseth them with frequency suspicious—
A portent clear and inauspicious!
His chin betrays a lack of class—
I beg thee, uncle, let me kick his ass!
NURSE.Snakes don’t have eyebrows.
TYBALT. Are you being paid to nurse infants or make me FURI-
OUS?!?
CAPULET. You are a saucy boy! Is’t so, indeed? Thou pribbling
rump-fed pig nut! You’ll no such thing in my house, mark me, and
that’s final!
28 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

TYBALT.Patience perforce with the willful choler meeting

Makes my flesh tremble in their different greeting.
I will withdraw; but this intrusion shall,
Now seeming sweet, convert to bitt’rest gall. (Exits.)
NURSE. O, good work, my lord! Thou dost know best! I’ve always
said, thou dost know best! And that reminds me of a completely
unrelated story that might be of interest, though, then again,
probably not, but in any case, ’tis quite long…
(CAPULET exits.)
My lord! My lord, where art thou going? I was telling thee a story, I
was! Well, Juliet, I could tell you the same story—only gratuitously
lengthened because I know how you like inconsequential details—
JULIET.I have never said that.
NURSE. ’Twas twenty-one years ago, on the third Monday in May,
at about 10:15 in the morning when I discovered the bunion—
JULIET. O Nurse, I think County Paris is undressing in the other
room!
NURSE.What? I thought he left! Hot diggity damn!
(NURSE runs off. JULIET is standing to the side.)
ROMEO. (Approaching JULIET:) If I profane with my unworthiest
hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
JULIET.Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.
ROMEO.Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
JULIET.Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
ROMEO.O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do!
They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
JULIET.Saints do not move, through grant for prayers’ sake.
ROMEO.Then move not while my prayer’s effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by thine my sin is purged. (Kisses her.)
JULIET.Then have my lips the sin that they have took.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 29

ROMEO.Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged!

Give me my sin again. (Kisses her.)
JULIET.You kiss by th’ book.
(NURSE enters, approaches JULIET.)
NURSE. Madam Juliet, why here you are! (Pulling her aside:) What
art thou doing, talking to this Montague?
JULIET.What sayest thou? Is this a Montague?
NURSE.His name is Romeo, and a Montague,
The only son of your great enemy!
JULIET.My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
Prodigious birth of love it is to me,
That I must love a loathèd enemy.
NURSE.What’s this? What’s this? >>
JULIET.<< A rhyme I learnt even now
Of one I danced withal. Pay it no mind.
NURSE.Okay, well, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but your
mother craves a word with you. Go now, don’t keep her waiting.
(JULIET exits.)
ROMEO.(Overhearing only the end:) What is her mother? >>
NURSE.<< Marry, bachelor,
Her mother is the lady of the house,
And a good lady, and a wise and virtuous.
I nursed her daughter that you talked withal.
So whate’er you’re thinking, Montague, hands off! (Exits.)
ROMEO.Is she a Capulet? O dear account!
(BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO reenter.)
MERCUTIO.Away, be gone; the sport is at the best.
BENVOLIO.Ay, good sirs, it waxes late; let’s to bed.
ROMEO.I fell in love tonight, a new fair maid,
And at her feet my tender heart is laid,
Though yet I fear no good comes of our meeting,
For star-crossed love burns bright, but lives fleeting.
(Exits, running off to find JULIET.)
MERCUTIO.…And here we go.
(Exeunt.)
30 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Act II (J), Scene 2

(Near CAPULET’s orchard. Enter ROMEO.)

ROMEO.Can I go forward when my heart is here?
Turn back, dull earth, and find thy center out.
(ROMEO hides. Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO.)
BENVOLIO.Romeo! My cousin Romeo!
He ran this way, and leap’d this orchard wall!
MERCUTIO.Romeo! Madman! Passion! Lover!
I conjure thee by Rosaline’s bright eyes,
By her high forehead and her scarlet lip,
By her fine foot, straight leg and quivering thigh
And the demesnes that there adjacent lie,
That in thy likeness thou appear to me!
BENVOLIO.Isn’t he in love with someone else now?
MERCUTIO.Lord, who can keep up? Romeo, good night!
Come, he hath hid himself among these trees,
Blind is his love and best befits the dark.
BENVOLIO.Ay, shall we go, then? For ’tis in vain
To seek him here that means not to be found.
(MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO exit. ROMEO comes forward,
enters the orchard.)
ROMEO.He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
(JULIET appears above at a window.)
ROMEO.But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid art far more fair than she.
Be not her maid, since she is envious.
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off.
It is my lady! O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
JULIET.Ay me…
ROMEO.She speaks. O, speak again, bright angel!
JULIET.O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 31

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.
ROMEO.Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
JULIET.’Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name;
And for thy name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself. >>
ROMEO.(Aside, building excitement:) << I take thee at thy word:
Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized;
(Carried away now; to JULIET:)
Henceforth I never will be Romeo!
(JULIET screams and whips out a crossbow. ROMEO cries out in
alarm.)
Wait! Please! I do not mean you any harm!
JULIET.My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue’s utterance, yet I know the sound.
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?
ROMEO.Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.
JULIET.(Putting down weapon:) How camest thou hither, tell me, and
wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.
ROMEO.With love’s light wings did I o’erperch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do, that dares love attempt.
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.
JULIET.If they do see thee, they will murder thee.
Forsooth, we’re all surprisingly well armed.
ROMEO.I have night’s cloak to hide me from their sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here.
32 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

ROMEO.My life were better ended by their hate,

Than death proroguèd, wanting of thy love.
JULIET.By whose direction found’st thou out this place?
ROMEO.By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;
He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.
JULIET.Then only pure love did guide thee to me?
ROMEO.Well, and I also asked your porter. He lent somewhat more
definitive counsel. And I lent him a bit of money.
JULIET.O. Clever.
ROMEO. Yes, I thought so. But ’twas love who did prompt me to
inquire the porter!
JULIET.Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say “Ay,”
And I will take thy word. Yet if thou swear’st,
Thou mayst prove false. O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.
ROMEO. Pronounce it, eh? Why, I have just the means! (Takes out
sonnet he was earlier seen composing to ROSALINE.)
Rosa—O, pardon me—Juliet!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
JULIET.But alas, “temperate” and “date” do not rhyme.
ROMEO. I mean… Um… I would love thee even if thou gain’st
weight?
JULIET.That’s worse.
ROMEO.I could try a limerick!
JULIET.No, that’s okay. Although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract tonight.
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say it lightens. Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flow’r when next we meet.
Good night, good night! As sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!
ROMEO.O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
JULIET.What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 33

ROMEO.Um…
JULIET. Listen, Montague, if thou lik’st it, thou hadst better put a
ring on it.
ROMEO.O, but this very thing was my intent,
My sweet—I hope but to request from thee
Exchange of thy love’s faithful vow for mine.
JULIET.I gave thee mine before thou didst request it;
And yet I would it were to give again.
ROMEO.Wouldst thou withdraw it? Because of my sonnet? ’Tis but
a rough copy—
JULIET.No, Romeo,
But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
(NURSE calls within.)
JULIET.I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again. (Exit.)
ROMEO.O blessèd, blessèd night! I am afeard.
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.
(Re-enter JULIET.)
JULIET.Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honorable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word tomorrow,
By one that I’ll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I’ll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the world.
NURSE.(Within:) Madam!
JULIET.I come, anon.—But if thou mean’st not well,
I do beseech thee—
NURSE.(Within:) I’ve got a long story for you!
JULIET.By and by, I come!
—To cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief.
Tomorrow will I send.
34 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

ROMEO.So thrive my soul— >>

JULIET.<< A thousand times good night!
NURSE.(Within:) JULIET!
(JULIET exits.)
ROMEO.A thousand times the worse, to want thy light.
Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.
(ROMEO starts to exit. Re-enter JULIET.)
JULIET.Romeo!
ROMEO.My dear?
JULIET.What o’clock tomorrow shall I send to thee?
ROMEO.At the hour of nine.
JULIET.I will not fail. ’Tis twenty years till then.
Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow. (Exits.)
ROMEO.Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast!
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!
Hence will I to my ghostly father’s cell,
His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell.
(Exeunt.)

Act II (J), Scene 3

(FRIAR’s cell. FRIAR is onstage. Enter ROMEO.)

ROMEO.Good morrow, father. >>
FRIAR.<< Benedicite!
What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?
Young son, it argues a distempered head
So soon to bid good morrow to thy bed.
Or if not so, then here I hit it right,
Our Romeo hath not been in bed tonight.
ROMEO.That last is true; the sweeter rest was mine.
FRIAR.God pardon sin! Wast thou with Rosaline?
ROMEO.With Rosaline, my ghostly father? No;
I have forgot that name, and that name’s woe.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 35

FRIAR.Well, that was fast. But where hast thou been, then?
ROMEO.O, dear friar, my heart’s dear love is set
On the fair daughter of rich Capulet;
As mine on hers, so hers is set on mine,
And all combined, save what thou must combine
By holy marriage. When and where and how
We met, we wooed and made exchange of vow,
I’ll tell thee as we pass; but this I pray,
That thou consent to marry us today.
FRIAR.Holy Saint Francis, what a change is here!
Is Rosaline, whom thou didst love so dear,
So soon forsaken? >>
ROMEO.<< Yes. Definitely, yes.
FRIAR.Proof young men’s love then lies, for it ne’er sticks,
Not truly in their hearts, but in their—
ROMEO.’Tis not so! Only now my heart hath found
For love, a truer, and more fertile ground.
FRIAR.Fertile indeed!
Jesu Maria, what a deal of brine
Hath wash’d thy sallow cheeks for Rosaline!
How much salt water thrown away in waste,
To season love, that of it doth not taste!
The sun not yet thy sighs from heaven clears,
Thy old groans ring yet in my ancient ears;
Lo, here upon thy cheek the stain doth sit
Of an old tear that is not wash’d off yet.
If e’er thou wast thyself and these woes thine,
Thou and these woes were all for Rosaline!
ROMEO.I pray thee, chide not; she whom I love now
Doth grace for grace and love for love allow;
The other did not so. >>
FRIAR.<< That may be, but—
ROMEO.At any rate, she’s here now.
JULIET.(Entering:) Good morrow to my ghostly confessor.
FRIAR.And so she is! God’s will, what lunacy!
So quick art thou to rush straight to the altar!
But come, young waverer, worthy daughter,
Come, doting lovers, come and go with me,
In one respect I’ll thy assistant be;
36 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

FRIAR.For this alliance may so happy prove,

To turn your households’ rancour to pure love.
(Exeunt.)

Act II (J), Scene 4

(A public place. MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO are onstage.)

MERCUTIO.Where the devil should this Romeo be? Came he not
home tonight?
BENVOLIO.Not to his father’s. I spoke with his man.
MERCUTIO.That pale hardhearted wench, that Rosaline,
Tormented him so that he hath run mad!
So greatly pained by lack of love returned,
He’s fixed on some new object, and who knows
The lengths to which he’ll go in its pursuit.
BENVOLIO.You think this girl he loves delays him?
MERCUTIO.Forsooth, if she hath not already slain him.
BENVOLIO.I fear for Romeo too, on the account
That Tybalt, kinsman to old Capulet,
Hath sent a letter to his father’s house.
MERCUTIO.A challenge, on my life.
BENVOLIO.Romeo will answer it.
MERCUTIO.Any man that can write may answer a letter.
BENVOLIO.Nay, he will answer the letter’s master, how he dares,
being dared.
MERCUTIO.Alas, poor Romeo, he is already dead: stabbed with a
white wench’s black eye; run through the ear with a love song; the
very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy’s butt-shaft; and is
he a man to encounter Tybalt?
BENVOLIO.He shall show himself a man if he answers the challenge.
MERCUTIO.Is’t so? Such big words from a chicken-shit!
BENVOLIO.What’s this? Dost thou regard me a coward?
MERCUTIO.A coward? Thee? I’ve never called you that!
Thou lovèst war. Until it is at hand.
For once some danger’s near, what greater friend
To peace is there than thee? “Put up your blades!”
You’re known to wail, when enemies clash swords,
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 37

Because the sight of blood wobbles thy knees

And brings unwanted moisture to thy britches!
Why, I need no more than speak the name “Tybalt”
To thee reduce to fits of girlish squeals!
BENVOLIO.That happened the once!
MERCUTIO.It happened thrice by my count.
BENVOLIO.Two of those were battle cries, Mercutio,
Designed to fill my enemies with fear!
MERCUTIO.Wert thou contending against fragile glass,
Thy high-pitched shrieks might yet inspire terror.
But since thy foes are not constructed thus,
Instead, more apt are they to wonder if
Thy tiny testes ever did descend.
BENVOLIO.O, mock me not! (Pause.) Enough waiting for Romeo.
I pray thee, good Mercutio, let’s retire:
The day is hot, the Capulets abroad,
And, if we meet, we shall not ’scape a brawl;
For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.
MERCUTIO.Nay, we shall wait a minute longer.
BENVOLIO.By my head, here comes ferocious Tybalt!
MERCUTIO.By my heel, I care not.
(Enter TYBALT.)
TYBALT.Gentlemen, good-den. A word with one of you.
MERCUTIO. And but one word with one of us? Couple it with
something; make it a word and a blow.
TYBALT.Mercutio, thou hast intercourse with Romeo—
MERCUTIO. Intercourse?! What, intercourse?! No, good sir, we’re
taking it slow! If it’s intercourse you’re after, I’ll show you my
shaft! (Drawing sword:) Here’s that shall make you groan! Zounds,
intercourse!
(Enter ROMEO.)
TYBALT.Well, peace be with you, sir: here comes my man.
Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford
No better term than this: thou art a villain.
ROMEO.(To audience:) Pray, gentle audience, what should I do?
This Tybalt issues me a challenge.
It would offend my honor not to fight, yet
The rogue is cousin to my darling wife,
38 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

And by our recent bond of holiest vow,

Kin to the Montagues. If I don’t fight,
I’ll prove my love for sweetest Juliet,
Yet that same course of action seems familiar,
As though I’ve done it many, many times.
And if I should withdraw, I am afeared—
What would prevent the brave Mercutio
From challenging my foe on my behalf?
Tell me, how should I answer Tybalt?
Shall I, for my dear lady’s sake, withdraw?
Or, fearing for my friend, defend my honor?
If you’d like me to withdraw for my lady, even though it gives me a
strange sense of déjà vu, please raise your hands now.
(Give audience time to vote.)
If you’d like me to defend my honor and fight Tybalt, please raise
your hands now.
(Audience votes. Vote for withdrawing, Act III (JD), Scene 1 on
page 39; vote for fighting leads to Act III (JL), Scene 1 on page
59.)
 Act III (JD)

Act III (JD), Scene 1

(Continues from Act II (J), Scene 4.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. I must indeed
Honor my love above my friends and self.
Tybalt, the reason that I have to love thee
Doth much excuse the appertaining rage
To such a greeting. Villain am I none.
Therefore farewell. I see thou know’st me not.
TYBALT.Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries
That thou hast done me; therefore turn and draw.
ROMEO.I do protest, I never injured thee,
But love thee better than thou canst devise
Till thou shalt know the reason of my love;
And so, good Capulet, which name I tender
As dearly as my own, be satisfied.
MERCUTIO.O calm, dishonourable, vile submission!
Tybalt, you ratcatcher, will you walk?
TYBALT.What wouldst thou have with me?
MERCUTIO.Good king of cats, nothing but one of your nine lives!
TYBALT.(Drawing:) I am for you.
ROMEO.Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up.
MERCUTIO.(To TYBALT:) Come, sir, show me your lunge!
(They fight.)
ROMEO.Draw, Benvolio; beat down their weapons.
Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage!
Tybalt, Mercutio, the prince expressly hath
Forbidden bandying in Verona streets:
Hold, Tybalt! Good Mercutio! >>
(TYBALT under ROMEO’s arm stabs MERCUTIO, and exits.)
MERCUTIO.<< I am hurt.
A plague o’ both your houses! I am sped.
Is he gone, and hath nothing? >>
BENVOLIO.<< What, art thou hurt?
MERCUTIO.Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; marry, ’tis enough.
ROMEO.Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.

39
40 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO.No, ’tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church

door; but ’tis enough, ’twill serve: ask for me tomorrow, and you
shall find me a grave man. A plague o’ both your houses! Why the
devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm.
ROMEO.I thought all for the best.
MERCUTIO.A plague o’ both your houses! They have made worms’
meat of me. I have it, and soundly too! Your houses! (Dies.)
BENVOLIO.O Romeo, Romeo, brave Mercutio’s dead!
That gallant spirit hath aspired the clouds,
Which too untimely here did scorn the earth.
ROMEO.This gentleman, the prince’s near ally,
My very friend, hath got his mortal hurt
In my behalf; my reputation stain’d
With Tybalt’s slander—Tybalt, that an hour
Hath been my kinsman! O sweet Juliet,
Thy beauty hath made me effeminate
And in my temper soften’d valour’s steel!
This day’s black fate on more days doth depend;
This but begins the woe, others must end.
BENVOLIO.Here comes the furious Tybalt back again.
ROMEO.Alive, in triumph! And Mercutio slain!
Away to heaven, respective lenity,
And fire-eyed fury be my conduct now!
(Re-enter TYBALT.)
ROMEO.Now, Tybalt, take the villain back again,
That late thou gavest me; for Mercutio’s soul
Is but a little way above our heads,
Staying for thine to keep him company:
Either thou, or I, or both, must go with him.
TYBALT.Thou, wretched boy, shalt with him hence.
(ROMEO and TYBALT fight. TYBALT falls.)
BENVOLIO.Romeo, away, be gone!
The citizens are up, and Tybalt slain.
Stand not amazed: the prince will doom thee death,
If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!
ROMEO.O, I am fortune’s fool!
(ROMEO exits. BENVOLIO looks after ROMEO, looks down at
MERCUTIO, and then out at the audience.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 41

BENVOLIO.(To audience:) Well, now you’ve done it.

(Enter PRINCE.)
BENVOLIO.The prince, my lord!
PRINCE.Where are the vile beginners of this fray?
BENVOLIO.O noble prince, I can discover all
The unlucky manage of this fatal brawl:
There lies the man, slain by young Romeo,
That slew thy kinsman, brave Mercutio.
PRINCE.Romeo slew him, he slew Mercutio;
Who now the price of his dear blood doth owe?
BENVOLIO.Not Romeo, prince, he was Mercutio’s friend;
His fault concludes but what the law should end,
The life of Tybalt. >>
PRINCE.<< And for that offense
Immediately we do exile him hence:
I have an interest in your hate’s proceeding,
My blood for your rude brawls doth lie a-bleeding;
But I’ll amerce you with so strong a fine
That you shall all repent the loss of mine:
I will be deaf to pleading and excuses;
Nor tears nor prayers shall purchase out abuses:
Therefore use none: let Romeo hence in haste,
Else, when he’s found, that hour is his last.
Bear hence this body and attend our will:
Mercy but murders, pardoning those that kill.
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JD), Scene 2

(FRIAR’s cell. Enter FRIAR.)

FRIAR.Romeo, come forth; come forth, thou fearful man:
Affliction is enamor’d of thy parts,
And thou art wedded to calamity.
(Enter ROMEO.)
ROMEO.What less than dooms-day is the prince’s doom?
FRIAR.A gentler judgment vanish’d from his lips,
Not body’s death, but body’s banishment.
ROMEO.Ha, banishment! Be merciful, say “death”!
42 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

FRIAR.O deadly sin! O rude unthankfulness!

Thy fault our law calls death; but the kind prince,
Taking thy part, hath rush’d aside the law,
And turn’d that black word death to banishment:
This is dear mercy, and thou seest it not.
ROMEO.Thou canst not speak of that thou dost not feel:
Wert thou as young as I, Juliet thy love,
An hour but married, Tybalt murderèd,
Doting like me and like me banishèd,
Then mightst thou speak, then mightst thou tear thy hair,
And fall upon the ground, as I do now,
Taking the measure of an unmade grave.
By God, I’ll make it myself!
(ROMEO draws his sword.)
FRIAR.Romeo!
Hold thy desperate hand: stop, give my thy sword!
(FRIAR seizes ROMEO’s sword and tries to pull it away from him.)
ROMEO.No, it’s mine!
FRIAR.Mistempered boy—!
ROMEO.Meddlesome fool—!
FRIAR.Romeo! Let go!
ROMEO.You let go!
(FRIAR slaps ROMEO. ROMEO drops sword.)
ROMEO.OW! My beautiful face!
FRIAR.Thou hast amazed me: by my holy order,
I thought thy disposition better tempered.
What, rouse thee, man! Thy Juliet is alive!
There art thou happy: Tybalt would kill thee,
But thou slew’st Tybalt; there are thou happy too:
Thou hast escaped from battle without harm—
ROMEO.You just slapped me really hard in the face.
FRIAR.—And there art thou happy that I stayed myself
And kicked thee not in thy o’eractive nads.
A pack of blessings lights up upon thy back!
ROMEO.I guess…
FRIAR.Go, get thee to thy love, while there is time,
Ascend her chamber, hence and comfort her:
But look thou stay not till the watch be set,
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 43

For then thou canst not pass to Mantua;

Where thou shalt live, till we can find a time
To blaze your marriage, reconcile your friends,
Beg pardon of the prince, and call thee back
With twenty hundred thousand times more joy
Than thou went’st forth in lamentation.
ROMEO.How well my comfort is revived by this!
FRIAR.Give me thy hand; ’tis late: farewell; good night.
ROMEO.But that a joy past joy calls out on me,
It were a grief, so brief to part with thee: Farewell.
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JD), Scene 3

(JULIET’s bedchamber. ROMEO and JULIET are at the balcony.)

JULIET.Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day…
ROMEO.I must be gone and live, or stay and die.
JULIET.Yon light is not daylight, I know it, I:
It is some meteor that the sun exhales,
To be to thee this night a torch-bearer,
And light thee on thy way to Mantua:
Therefore stay yet; thou need’st not to be gone.
ROMEO.Let me be ta’en, let me be put to death;
I am content, so thou wilt have it so.
I have more care to stay than will to go:
Come, death, and welcome! Juliet wills it so.
How is’t, my soul? Let’s talk; it is not day.
JULIET.It is, it is: hie hence, be gone, away!
O, now be gone; more light and light it grows.
ROMEO.More light and light; more dark and dark our woes!
(Enter NURSE, to the chamber.)
NURSE.Madam!
JULIET.Nurse?
NURSE.Your father is coming to your chamber:
The day is broke; be wary, look about.
(NURSE exits.)
ROMEO.Farewell, farewell! one kiss, and I’ll descend.
44 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

(ROMEO goes down from balcony.)

JULIET.Art thou gone so, love-lord, ay, husband-friend?
O think’st thou we shall ever meet again?
ROMEO.I doubt it not; and all these woes shall serve
For sweet discourses in our time to come.
JULIET.O God, I have an ill-divining soul!
Methinks I see thee, now thou art below,
As one dead in the bottom of a tomb…
ROMEO.Well, maybe. I mean, things might still be fine.
JULIET.O no, at this point, I really don’t think so.
ROMEO.You don’t think there’s any way—?
JULIET.No. I think either way we’re screwed.
ROMEO.O dear.
JULIET.Indeed. Farewell, my love!
ROMEO.Adieu, adieu!
(ROMEO exits. CAPULET enters.)
CAPULET.Ho, daughter! Are you up?
JULIET.Who is’t that calls? It is my dear father.
Is he not down so late, or up so early?
What unaccustomed cause procures him hither?
CAPULET.Why, how now, Juliet?
JULIET.Father, I am not well.
CAPULET.Evermore weeping for your cousin’s death?
JULIET.Ay, so must I weep for such a feeling loss.
CAPULET.Yes, dear Tybalt’s death grieves us all.
But now I’ll tell thee of joyful tidings, girl.
JULIET.And joy comes well in such a needy time.
What are they, beseech your lordship?
CAPULET.Well, well, thou hast a careful father, child;
One who, to put thee from thy heaviness,
Hath sorted out a sudden day of joy.
JULIET.My lord, in happy time! What day is that?
CAPULET.Marry, my child, early next Thursday morn
The gallant, young, and noble gentleman,
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 45

The County Paris, at Saint Peter’s Church,

Shall happily make thee there a joyful bride.
JULIET.Now by Saint Peter’s Church, and Peter too,
He shall not make me there a joyful bride!
I will not marry yet; and when I do, I swear
It shall be Romeo, whom you know I hate,
Rather than Paris! These are news indeed!
CAPULET.I say, girl, what’s wrong with the county?
JULIET.Everything. Everything is wrong with the county!
CAPULET.How? Will you none? Do you not give us thanks?
Are you not proud? Do you not count yourself blest,
Unworthy as you are, that I have wrought
So worthy a gentleman to be your bridegroom?
JULIET.Not proud you have, but thankful that you have.
Proud can I never be of what I hate,
But thankful even for hate that is meant love.
CAPULET.How, how, how, how, chopped-logic? What is this?
“Proud”—and “I thank you”—and “I thank you not”—
And yet “not proud”? Mistress minion you,
Thank me no thankings, nor proud me no prouds,
But fettle your fine joints ’gainst Thursday next
To go with Paris to Saint Peter’s Church!
JULIET.Please, God, no.
CAPULET.Please God yes!
I tell thee what—get thee to a church a Thursday
Or never look me in the face! (Exits.)
JULIET.Is there no pity sitting in the clouds
That sees into the bottom of my grief?
I must my gentle husband seek to find
Some remedy or else my father’s plot
Shall Thursday next make me a bride to two!
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JD), Scene 4

(FRIAR’s cell. FRIAR is speaking to PARIS.)

FRIAR.On Thursday, sir? The time is very short.
46 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

PARIS.My father Capulet will have it so,

And I am nothing slow to slack his haste.
FRIAR.You say you do not know the lady’s mind.
Uneven is the course; I like it not.
PARIS.Immoderately she weeps for Tybalt’s death,
And therefore have I little talked of love.
Now, sir, her father counts it dangerous
That she do give her sorrow so much sway,
And in his wisdom hastes our marriage.
For her tears of sadness will be turned to joy
Now that our marriage’s sped, and Thursday night
My ample man-chest my young bride beholds.
FRIAR.You think this will make up for Tybalt’s death?
PARIS.I know it will, father, for I have seen
My chest’s effects on persons sad—thou wouldst
Not scarce believe his healing potency!
Why, my neighbors bring me their despondent children,
That I may bare my bosom and all their cares destroy.
FRIAR.I wonder at thy abilities.
PARIS. The world joins you in amazement.
FRIAR.Look, sir, here comes the lady toward my cell.
(JULIET enters.)
PARIS.Happily met, my lady and wife!
JULIET.That may be, sir, when I may be a wife.
PARIS. T
 hat “may be” must be, love, on Thursday next.
JULIET.O boy, can’t wait.
PARIS.Come you to make confession to this father?
JULIET.Ay. Are you at leisure, holy father,
Or shall I come to you at evening mass?
FRIAR.My leisure serves me, pensive daughter, now.
My lord, we must entreat the time alone.
PARIS.God shield I should disturb devotion!
Juliet, on Thursday early will I rouse ye. And arouse ye.
Till then, adieu, and keep this holy kiss.
(PARIS leans in to kiss JULIET. JULIET leans away from him.
They continue this until JULIET has retreated as far as she can go.
PARIS kisses her. PARIS exits.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 47

JULIET.O, shut the door, and when thou hast done so,
Come weep with me—past hope, past care, past help!
FRIAR.O Juliet, I already know thy grief;
It strains me past the compass of my wits.
I hear thou must, and nothing may prorogue it,
On Thursday next be married to this moron.
JULIET.Tell me not, friar, that thou hearest of this,
Unless thou tell me how I may prevent it.
Give me some present counsel; or, behold,
’Twixt my extremes and me this bloody knife (Pulling out knife:)
Shall play the umpire, arbitrating that
Which the commission of thy years and art
Could to no issue of true honor bring.
Be not so long to speak. I long to die
If what thou speak’st speak not of remedy.
FRIAR.Hold, daughter. I do spy a kind of hope,
Which craves as desperate an execution
As that is desperate which we would prevent.
If, rather than to marry County Paris,
Thou hast the strength of will to slay thyself—
JULIET.Damn right!
FRIAR.Okay.
Then it is likely thou wilt undertake
A thing like death to chide away this shame.
JULIET.O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris,
From off the battlements of any tower,
And I will do it without fear or doubt,
To live an unstained wife to my sweet love.
FRIAR.Hold then. Go home, be merry, give consent
To marry Paris. Wednesday is tomorrow.
Tomorrow night look that thou lie alone.
Take thou this vial, being then in bed,
And this distilling liquor drink thou off;
This done, no breath shall testify thou livest;
And in this borrowed likeness of shrunken death
Thou shalt continue two-and-forty hours,
And then awake as from a pleasant sleep.
Now, when the bridegroom in the morning comes
To rouse thee from thy bed, there art thou dead.
Then, as the manner of our country is,
Thou shalt be borne to that same ancient vault
Where all the kindred Capulets lie.
48 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

FRIAR.In the meantime, against thou shalt awake,

Shall Romeo by my letters know our drift;
And hither shall he come; and he and I
Will watch thy waking, and that very night
Shall Romeo bear thee hence to Mantua.
And this shall free thee from this present shame,
If no inconstant toy nor womanish fear
Abate thy valor in the acting it.
JULIET.Give me, give me! O, tell me not of fear!
FRIAR.Hold! Get you gone, be strong and prosperous
In this resolve. I’ll send a friar with speed
To Mantua, with my letters to thy lord.
JULIET.Lord give me strength, and strength shall help afford.
Farewell, dear father.
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JD), Scene 5

(A street in Mantua. ROMEO alone onstage.)

ROMEO.If I may trust the flattering truth of sleep,
My dreams presage some joyful news at hand:
I dreamt my lady came and found me dead,
And breathed such life with kisses in my lips,
That I revived, and was an emperor.
Ah me! How sweet is love itself possessed,
When but love’s shadows are so rich in joy!
(Enter BENVOLIO.)
ROMEO.News from Verona! —How now, Benvolio!
Dost thou not bring me letters from the friar?
How doth my lady? Is my father well?
How fares my Juliet? That I ask again;
For nothing can be ill, if she be well.
BENVOLIO.Then she is well, and nothing can be ill:
Her body sleeps in Capel’s monument,
And her immortal part with angels lives.
I saw her laid low in her kindred’s vault,
And presently took post to tell it you.
ROMEO.Is it even so? Then I defy you, stars!
I will hence tonight. >>
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 49

BENVOLIO.<< Romeo, have patience!

Your looks are pale and wild, and do import
Some misadventure. >>
ROMEO.<< Tush, thou art deceived:
Hast thou no letters to me from the friar?
BENVOLIO.No, my good coz. >>
ROMEO.<< No matter: get thee gone,
Go, Benvolio, I’ll be with thee straight.
(Exit BENVOLIO.)
ROMEO.Well, Juliet, I will lie with thee tonight.
Let’s see for means: O mischief, thou art swift
To enter in the thoughts of desperate men!
I do remember an apothecary—
And hereabouts he dwells—which late I noted.
I’ll find the poison that I need with him!
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JD), Scene 6

(FRIAR’s cell. FRIAR is onstage. JOHN enters.)

JOHN.Holy Franciscan friar! Brother, ho!
FRIAR.This same should be the voice of Friar John.
Welcome from Mantua: what says Romeo?
Or, if his mind be writ, give me his letter.
JOHN.O, the letter! Right. About that…
FRIAR.You did deliver the note I gave you?
JOHN. Well, I was going to. But when I arrived at the first town
through which I had to pass, there was this whole plague thing, and
I thought, “Whoa. I’m not dealing with that.” You know?
FRIAR.Who bare my letter, then, to Romeo?
JOHN.Not me—here it is again. Look, if you want to mess with the
plague, you be my guest. That shit kills people.
FRIAR.Unhappy fortune! By my brotherhood,
The letter was not nice but full of charge
Of dear import, and the neglecting it
May do much danger. Friar John, go hence!
(JOHN exits.)
50 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

FRIAR.Now must I to the monument alone;

Within three hours will fair Juliet wake:
She will beshrew me much that Romeo
Hath had no notice of these accidents;
But I will write again to Mantua,
And keep her at my cell till Romeo come;
Poor living corpse, closed in a dead man’s tomb!
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JD), Scene 7

(Inside a tomb belonging to the Capulets. JULIET is laid out.

ROMEO enters.)
ROMEO.My Juliet! O my love! my wife!
Death, that hath suck’d the honey of thy breath,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty:
Thou art not conquer’d; beauty’s ensign yet
Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,
And death’s pale flag is not advanced there.
Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe
That unsubstantial death is amorous,
And that the lean abhorred monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour?
(To the audience:)
Pray gentle audience, what should I do?
My love before me lies here in this tomb.
Shall I now join her in untimely death?
True testament to love this act would be,
This fatal course our families would show,
How sweetly from true hate true love can grow.
On the other hand, life hath already all too short a lease. I am but
young; was this love too rash, too unadvised, too sudden? Shall I
take my life and, in so doing, forfeit my immortal soul? O, good
audience, advise me:
Shall I flee this tomb and live?
Or drink this vial, and to my love my life give?
If you’d like me to flee the tomb and live, please raise your hands
now.
(Give audience time to vote.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 51

If you’d like me to drink this vial and give my life to my love, please
raise your hands now.
(Audience votes. Vote for suicide, Act IV (JDA), Scene 1 on page
53; vote for fleeing leads to Act IV (JDB), Scene 1 on page 57.)
 Act IV (JDA)

Act IV (JDA), Scene 1

(Scene continues from Act III (JD), Scene 7.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise indeed. O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest,
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!
Here’s to my love! (Drinks poison.) O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
JULIET.Where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is my Romeo?
What’s here? A cup, closed in my true love’s hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:
O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop
To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;
Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,
To make die with a restorative.
(Kisses him.)
Thy lips are warm.
FRIAR.(From offstage:) O Juliet! Juliet!
JULIET. Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! (Snatching
ROMEO’s dagger:) This is thy sheath; (Stabs herself.) There rust, and
let me die.
(JULIET falls on ROMEO’s body and dies. FRIAR enters.)
FRIAR.Pitiful sight! Here lies Romeo slain;
And Juliet bleeding, warm, and newly dead.
(PRINCE enters.)
FRIAR.The prince! My sovereign lord!
PRINCE.The whole town stirs—there’s commotion ’round this
tomb!
What misadventure is so early up,
That calls our person from our morning’s rest?
(CAPULET enters.)

53
54 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

CAPULET.O heavens! O help, look how my daughter bleeds!

This dagger hath mista’en—for, lo, his house
Is empty on the back of Montague—
And it mis-sheathed in my daughter’s bosom!
(Enter MONTAGUE.)
MONTAGUE.What further woe conspires against mine age?
PRINCE.Look, Lord Montague, and thou shalt see.
MONTAGUE.O thou untaught! What manners is in this?
To press before thy father to a grave?
PRINCE.Friar, say at once what thou dost know in this.
FRIAR.Romeo, there dead, was husband to that Juliet;
And she, there dead, that Romeo’s faithful wife:
For whom, and not for Tybalt, Juliet pined.
You, to remove that siege of grief from her,
Betroth’d and would have married her perforce
To County Paris: then comes she to me,
And gave I her, so tutor’d by my art,
A sleeping potion; which so took effect
As I intended, for it wrought on her
The form of death: meantime I writ to Romeo,
That he should hither come as this dire night,
Being the time the potion’s force should cease.
But he which bore my letter, Friar John,
Was stayed by idiocy, and yesternight
Returned my letter back. Then all alone
At the prefixed hour of her waking,
Came I to take her from her kindred’s vault;
But when I came, some minute past the time
Of her awaking, here untimely lay
Poor Juliet and true Romeo dead.
CAPULET.O brother Montague, give me thy hand:
This is my daughter’s jointure, for no more
Can I demand. >>
MONTAGUE.<< But I can give thee more:
For I will raise her statue in pure gold;
That while Verona by that name is known,
There shall no figure at such rate be set
As that of true and faithful Juliet.
CAPULET.As rich shall Romeo’s by his lady’s lie;
Poor sacrifices of our enmity!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 55

PRINCE.A glooming peace this morning with it brings;

The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardoned, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
(Exeunt.)

Act V (JDA), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Doth with their death bury their parents’ strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love,
And the continuance of their parents’ rage,
Which, but their children’s end, naught could remove,
Was now the one hour traffic of our stage;
Thou hast seen the ending thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
 Act IV (JDB)

Act IV (JDB), Scene 1

(Scene continues from Act III (JD), Scene 7.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise indeed. ’Twould be no wit to give
my life for a love so new and foolish. O, tragic course, now methinks
I see a stranger lying before me. Did I know this girl? Did she know
me? Our time together was so short. And now her own life she hath
taken. O Juliet, bright angel, farewell. Wherever thou art, mayst
thou forgive me for the injury I have done thee.
(ROMEO begins to exit.)
JULIET.(Waking:) Where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is my Romeo?
ROMEO.What! Juliet, thou art alive?!
JULIET.Alive, my lord! Ay, and how happily so,
To here behold my gentle Romeo!
What’s this? Why standest thou amazed, my lord?
Dost thou not know the clever friar’s plan?
Didst thou not come to bear me off from here?
ROMEO. I knew nothing of this design! The friar told me naught!
Then thy death was but a ruse? Why was this done without my
knowledge, my consent?
JULIET.I can hardly fathom why thou didst receive no word of this
plan. But, happy husband, what doth it matter now that we are re-
united?
ROMEO.What doth it matter?! I nearly drank of this vial and joined
thee in death, mine more real than seeming!
JULIET.But thou didst not drink?
ROMEO.Nay, I—
JULIET.You thought me dead and did not drink…
ROMEO.Nay, I… Nay, I did not. (Pause.) But what a most fortunate
decision it proved. For now, thou art alive, and I am alive, and what
should prevent us from awaying to Mantua together?
JULIET.There is nothing stopping us.
ROMEO.Ay, there is nothing.
(Tableau of ROMEO and JULIET alienated from each other.
Behind them, BENVOLIO and another MONTAGUE enter and

57
58 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

battle with two CAPULETS. The fight ends when BENVOLIO

falls dead. The other MONTAGUE attends to the fallen
BENVOLIO. The two CAPULETS flee the stage.)
(Exeunt.)

Act V (JDB), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers wed and flee out of a love now passionless,
Their fate, to their parents unknown. They leave behind their parents’
feud, which doth, in their absence, flood Verona’s streets with fresh
wounds’ blood. The continuance of their parents’ rage, which, but
their children’s end, naught could remove, was now the one hour
traffic of our stage.
Thou hast seen the ending that thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
 Act III (JL)

Act III (JL), Scene 1

(Scene continues from Act II (J), Scene 4.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. I must indeed
Remember friends and honor. And besides,
Cousin or nay, Tybalt is still a prick.
Tybalt, the reason that I have to love thee
Doth not remotely excuse the appertaining rage
To such a greeting: villain am I none;
Therefore best stop thy mouth or draw thy sword.
MERCUTIO. Ha! No lover’s sighs to be found here! Now art thou
Romeo; now art thou what thou art! Dost thou mark this, ratcatcher?
TYBALT.(To ROMEO:) Wretched boy, I am for you.
(They fight.)
BENVOLIO.What! Are they actually fighting?!
(BENVOLIO attempts to stop fight, is shoved back.)
MERCUTIO.Benvolio, ’tis not our battle, friend—
This present fight is his to join or end.
Let Romeo do whatever he sees fit
For my part, sir, I ain’t gonna do shit.
BENVOLIO.Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage!
Tybalt, Romeo, the prince expressly hath
Forbidden bandying in Verona streets:
Hold, Tybalt! Good Romeo!
(Like a petulant child:) We could get in trouble!!
(ROMEO stabs TYBALT under BENVOLIO’s arm.)
BENVOLIO.Oops.
TYBALT.O, I am hurt! I am sped!
ROMEO.Benvolio, you half-wit! Thou didst make
Me strike his person! >>
BENVOLIO.<< Wast this not thy aim?!
ROMEO.I aimed to him disarm, but not to maim!
TYBALT.Seriously, I’m really bleeding over here!
ROMEO.Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
TYBALT.No, ’tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door;
but ’tis enough, ’twill serve: ask for me tomorrow, and you shall

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find me DEAD. FUCKING DEAD, you villainous dogs! A plague, a

plague, a plague on that one house! A PLAGUE! A plague… (“Dies.”)
(Pause.)
ROMEO.O heavens, is he…dead?
TYBALT. No, I’m not dead! I was resting! A PLAGUE, DO YOU
HEAR?! A PLAGUE! And that goes for thee as well, Mercutio! A
PLAGUE!
MERCUTIO.We get the picture!
TYBALT.A PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGUE… (“Dies.”)
(Pause.)
MERCUTIO.I’ll say this, he lets you know how he feels.
ROMEO.O, I am fortune’s fool! My dearest wife!
MERCUTIO.What’s this! Art thou married?!
ROMEO.Ay, to a sweet angel, who—
TYBALT.And another thing! (Punches ROMEO in the knee:) FUCK
YOUR KNEECAP!
ROMEO.Ow! God!
TYBALT.Know this, that I your worthless knees despise!
With furious punches, I shall them disguise,
In so many tiny bruises, black and blue,
Designed to mod’rately discomfort you!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
ROMEO.Aren’t you dead yet?!
TYBALT.NAY, I SHALL LIVE FOREVER IN THE BRUISE! (TYBALT
continues to yell vengeful nonsense.)
MERCUTIO.That’s it.
(MERCUTIO drags TYBALT offstage as he screams back at
ROMEO.)
BENVOLIO.Romeo, ’tis unwise to loiter here.
The citizens are up, and Tybalt dying,
Though still most vocal. The prince will doom thee death,
If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!
ROMEO.Wise words, coz. I shall hence to the friar.
BENVOLIO.Good, we will follow! Begone, Romeo!
(Exit ROMEO.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 61

BENVOLIO.O, how shall we ever account for these

Most violent happenings? >>
(PRINCE enters.)
PRINCE.<< Benvolio!
BENVOLIO.The prince, my lord!
(Aside:) O dear. I have no talent for deceit.
PRINCE.Tybalt’s fallen frame pollutes our streets.
Where are the vile beginners of this fray?
BENVOLIO.Um…er… ’Twill not serve! I must tell the truth!
(MERCUTIO enters behind him.)
BENVOLIO.O noble prince, I can discover all
The unlucky manage of this fatal brawl:
You saw Tybalt, slain by young R—
MERCUTIO. (Clapping a hand over BENVOLIO’s mouth:) Slain by
young rhinos!
PRINCE.Rhinos, Mercutio?
MERCUTIO.Ay, rhinos, coz! A fierce and wrathful herd!
They left the Afric shore and journeyed hence
For water fresh was there in short supply.
Perhaps such was the cause of their fury—
I know not! But, to be sure, they were mad
When we by chance encountered them today!
Were they not in a rage, Benvolio?
BENVOLIO.Um. Ay, they were… most angry. The rhinos.
MERCUTIO.Thou hast hit it right: most angry indeed!
We knew we must try to drive them back from
The town square, lest they—
BENVOLIO.Ooh! Lest they damage the innocent onlookers, who—
MERCUTIO.No, no!
There were no onlookers, Benvolio!
BENVOLIO.Why not? O, O, ay, that’s what I meant! …The opposite
of what I said.
MERCUTIO.He does that. Anyway.
We wished to drive them all away before
Some hapless soul should chance upon them.
Alas! Before we could act, fierce Tybalt
Leapt right onto the largest of the pack.
“Hey, I’m a dumb-ass!” Tybalt screamed, and set
62 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Himself upon his rhino foe with zeal.

We could not deter him from this foolish
Course, and poor Tybalt was quite quick impaled
Upon the fearsome rhino’s mighty horn.
BENVOLIO.And then he died.
MERCUTIO.Ay, and then he died.
PRINCE.…And, pray tell, canst thou unfold the whereabouts
Of thy friend, Romeo, ’midst these events?
MERCUTIO. Nay, I cannot fathom. He was not there. (Pause.) …
Look, I’ll give you, like, five bucks if you’ll just go along with this.
PRINCE.… Make it six.
MERCUTIO.You drive a hard bargain. (Hands over money.)
PRINCE.I’m not prince for nothing.
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JL), Scene 2

(CAPULET’s house. CAPULET and PARIS enter.)

CAPULET.O County, ’twill not serve. My daughter weeps
For her dear kinsmen Tybalt and cannot
Wed thee in her state. >>
PARIS.<< Father mine, why wait?
These tears of sadness might be turned to joy
If you our marriage sped, and Thursday night
My ample man-chest your daughter beheld.
CAPULET.Think’st thou this will cheer her, noble County?
PARIS.I know it will, my lord, for I have seen
My chest’s effects on persons sad—thou wouldst
Not scarce believe his healing potency!
Why, my neighbors bring me their despondent children,
That I may bare my bosom and all their cares destroy.
CAPULET.I wonder at thy abilities!
PARIS.The world joins you in amazement.
Give me your lovely daughter’s hand, my lord.
I swear that with pectorals so defined,
Her mourning shall this Thursday quickly end.
CAPULET.Thou hast convinced me this is a wise course.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 63

Take thy leave and I shall speak to Juliet.

PARIS.Thank you, father! I shall celebrate by doing lunges!
(Exits, lunging.)
CAPULET.Ho, daughter! Are you up?
(JULIET enters.)
JULIET.Who is’t that calls? It is my dear father.
Is he not down so late, or up so early?
CAPULET.Why, how now, Juliet?
JULIET.Father, I am not well.
CAPULET.Evermore weeping for your cousin’s death?
JULIET.Ay, so must I weep for such a feeling loss.
CAPULET.Yes, dear Tybalt’s death grieves us all.
But now I’ll tell thee of joyful tidings, girl.
JULIET.And joy comes well in such a needy time.
What are they, beseech your lordship?
CAPULET.Well, well, thou hast a careful father, child;
One who, to put thee from thy heaviness,
Hath sorted out a sudden day of joy.
JULIET.My lord, in happy time! What day is that?
CAPULET.Marry, my child, early next Thursday morn
The gallant, young, and noble gentleman,
The County Paris, at Saint Peter’s Church,
Shall happily make thee there a joyful bride.
JULIET.Now by Saint Peter’s Church, and Peter too,
He shall not make me there a joyful bride!
I will not marry yet; and when I do, I swear
It shall be Romeo, whom you know I hate,
Rather than Paris! These are news indeed!
CAPULET.I say, girl, what’s wrong with the county?
JULIET.Everything. Everything is wrong with the county!
CAPULET.How? Will you none? Do you not give us thanks?
Are you not proud? Do you not count yourself blest,
Unworthy as you are, that I have wrought
So worthy a gentleman to be your bridegroom?
JULIET.Not proud you have, but thankful that you have.
Proud can I never be of what I hate,
But thankful even for hate that is meant love.
64 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

CAPULET.How, how, how, how, chopped-logic? What is this?

“Proud”—and “I thank you”—and “I thank you not”—
And yet “not proud”? Mistress minion you,
Thank me no thankings, nor proud me no prouds,
But fettle your fine joints ’gainst Thursday next
To go with Paris to Saint Peter’s Church!
JULIET.Please, God, no.
CAPULET.Please God yes!
I tell thee what—get thee to a church a Thursday
Or never look me in the face! (Exits.)
JULIET.Is there no pity sitting in the clouds
That sees into the bottom of my grief?
I must my gentle husband seek to find
Some remedy or else my father’s plot
Shall Thursday next make me a bride to two!
(Exeunt.)

Act III (JL), Scene 3

(FRIAR’s cell. FRIAR and ROMEO are talking.)

FRIAR.O Romeo, ’tis time you left my cell.
You will be suspect if you don’t go home.
ROMEO.How can I face my family, my friends,
With Tybalt’s blood still fresh upon my hands?
(BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO enter.)
MERCUTIO.Romeo, how now, my friend?
ROMEO.So wracked with guilt that I can scarcely breathe.
MERCUTIO.Still? That fight was hours ago.
ROMEO.And I am still upset, Mercutio!
I killed a man, the kinsman of my love!
What am I to do? What am I to tell her?
FRIAR.Do the noble thing and tell thy wife the truth.
MERCUTIO.I’m not sure that’s wise. Who knows how she’ll take it?
FRIAR.Nay, best confess! She has a right to know.
MERCUTIO. What good would it do to tell her? Right now she
blames the rhinos. Suppose instead she blames thee. Will she miss
Tybalt less? Will it bring Tybalt back?
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 65

FRIAR.But then his marriage rests upon a lie!

MERCUTIO. Far firmer ground to rest upon than truth! ’Tis best
to leave lies where they lie. Romeo, mark me well. From the first,
the stars have not looked kindly on thy love: thy wife is daughter
to thy hated enemy, thy parents would disown thee if they knew,
whilst thou wert occupied with love, I took some money from thy
room… Not much was going well for thee. But then thou went’st and
stabbed her cousin in the chest, and I mean really stabbed the hell
out of him. This straw would put the strongest camel in the grave,
but luckily for thee, thy clever friend managed to pin this deed on
wayward African fauna. Wilt thou forgo this mercy and tell thy wife
what thou hast done?
BENVOLIO.O do not listen to this, Romeo!
The friar speaketh true: wouldst thou indeed
So wrong thy wife to spare thyself some pain?
MERCUTIO.You would.
BENVOLIO.So?
(MERCUTIO makes a “gotcha” noise.)
BENVOLIO.Damn!
ROMEO.Divided counselors, you are no help!
(JULIET enters.)
ROMEO.Juliet!
JULIET.O Romeo, my love!
ROMEO.My wife, I heard the news of Tybalt’s death!
How farest thou? Art thou o’ercome with grief?
JULIET.My lord, like thou canst not imagine!
I loved dear Tybalt so, like a brother!
Nay, still more—he was like a son to me;
I doted on him as though he were a babe,
And he so tenderly loved me in turn!
O darling Tybalt, what a prince he was!
And, on my life, I swear, if I e’er found the rhino who slew him, I’d
take a sword to him! I’d kick in his teeth! I’d break off his horn and
jam it right up his rhino hoo-hah!
ROMEO.Uh oh… (To the audience:) Pray, gentle audience, what
should I do?
Mercutio advisèd me to lie
And let the fict’ious rhinos take the blame.
Her speech hath made this tempting, I admit—
66 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Who knows how she would take the dreadful truth?

Yet, the friar and my coz bid me confess.
Indeed, some bitter consequence may follow
Upon deceit. What say you, audience?
Should I lie to my wife, or tell the truth?
If you’d like me to lie, please raise your hands now.
(Give audience time to vote.)
If you’d like me to tell the truth, please raise your hands now.
(Audience votes; vote for lie leads to Act IV (JLA), Scene 1 on page
67; vote for truth, Act IV (JLB), Scene 1 on page 77.)
 Act IV (JLA)

Act IV (JLA), Scene 1

(Continues from Act III (JL), Scene 3.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. Sweet Juliet
Would ne’er forgive me for her cousin’s death.
’Tis best to keep the lie.
(To JULIET:) O, those damn rhinos!
How we shall all miss gentle Tybalt so!
BENVOLIO.(Aside:) I can scarce believe this wickedness!
JULIET.Yes, dear, but I came not to speak of this—
There is a greater sadness I must share!
I’ve learned my father plans to “cheer” my woe
By wedding me to Paris Thursday next!
FRIAR. Buggering bigamous balderdash! Thou canst not be wed
twice!
ROMEO.Hard-hearted Fates! Malicious, loathsome hags!
Please, father, if thou canst think of anything—
FRIAR.My children, I do spy a kind of hope:
That you away tonight to Mantua.
Meanwhile, I will to both your parents go,
Who, worrying and wond’ring at your fate,
Will listen gladly as I tell them all,
Their fearsome anger temper’d by relief.
Once I show them your union’s benefits,
We all shall call you back without delay!
JULIET.Good friar, thank you for your aid! We shall do exactly as
you say!
ROMEO.Bless you, ghostly father!
BENVOLIO.(Aside:) He would carry her off without telling her the
truth! How could he lie to a creature so noble, so pure, so attractive?
And why is this bothering me so much? O, by my gallant soul, what
is this stirring within my pounding breast? Can it be…? Has the
lone man-stallion Benvolio finally learned… to love?
(Exeunt.)

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68 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Act IV (JLA), Scene 2

(Capulet’s orchard. BENVOLIO enters.)

BENVOLIO.O, is it madness that did guide me hither?
To leap o’er Capulet’s high walls in hopes
That I might speak to lady Juliet,
So heartlessly deluded by her love?
I fear this course unwise, with danger rife,
For what may very well become of me
Perchance her kinsman find me here?
But peace, Benvolio! Steel thyself—
O, steady must thy ample valor prove!
Thy cause is one of righteous principle,
And thou must lend it all of thy resolve!
(JULIET enters, above at her window.)
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east,
and the east is lookin’ hot! O Juliet, Juliet! Wherefore art thou Juliet?
Deny thy husband and crush his dreams, or, if thou wilt not, be but
sworn my love, and I’ll do it for you.
JULIET.Ay me… Alack… Alas… >>
BENVOLIO.<< Juliet! O fairest lady Juliet!
(JULIET screams and whips out an even larger weapon than the
one she threatened ROMEO with before.)
BENVOLIO.Sweet Jesus, don’t kill me!
JULIET.Though like my lord, thou stalk’st my balcony
In dark of night, thy voice is somehow strange.
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?
BENVOLIO.Well, not the first, but certainly the latter.
I am Benvolio, kinsman to him
The faithless, lying dog that is your husband.
JULIET.Benvolio, what canst thou mean by this?
BENVOLIO.Truly, he lied to thee, sweet Juliet.
’Twas Romeo that slew thy cousin, Tybalt.
JULIET.O God! Did Romeo’s hand shed Tybalt’s blood?
BENVOLIO.It did, it did; alas the day, it did!
In vain did I attempt to halt their brawl,
But woe indeed, ’twas far too late!
And to compound his crimes, he lies to thee,
The wretch, to hide this from thy view!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 69

JULIET.O serpent heart, hid with a flowering face!

Am I, his wife, so readily betrayed?
BENVOLIO.There is no trust, no faith, no honesty
In men, all cheats, all crooks, dissemblers all!
…Except for me, of course.
JULIET.Except for thee?
BENVOLIO.Ay, good lady, did not I seek thee out
To tell the truth when no one else would dare?
JULIET.Ay, this I must admit. But how I rue
These awful happenings! Shall I be wed
To that douchebag, the County Paris,
If I refuse to flee with Romeo?
Unless…
BENVOLIO.Unless…
JULIET.Valiant sir, please step into my sight.
BENVOLIO.Most gladly. (He climbs up to balcony.) Is this to thy sat-
isfaction?
JULIET.Good enough for me!
Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!
For I ne’er saw true beauty— >>
JULIET & BENVOLIO.(Unison:) << Till this night.
JULIET.(Gasping:) Unison! That proves it!
JULIET & BENVOLIO.(Unison:) We are soulmates.
BENVOLIO.(Gasping:) O, double unison! We must be wed
Tomorrow morn! There is no time to waste!
JULIET.Alack, my love, I am already wed;
There is no way to break those holy vows!
BENVOLIO.Unless…
JULIET.Unless…?
BENVOLIO & JULIET.(Unison:) WE HAVE SEX FIRST! JINX!
JULIET.You owe me a soda!
BENVOLIO.You owe me some sex!
(BENVOLIO and JULIET high-five and exit into bedroom. Time
passes. ROMEO enters.)
ROMEO.At last, ’tis late enough to dare elope
And flee loathsome Verona’s pris’nous walls,
70 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

That enwrap us like the lustful county’s arms.

O my poor, gentle wife! I do hope she
Is not awaiting me too anxiously.
Forsooth, I would have sooner come
Were not her safety paramount concern.
(Above, JULIET and BENVOLIO re-enter, kissing and carrying
on. JULIET has a knapsack with her. She and BENVOLIO are
about to elope. They do not see ROMEO.)
Ah, my lady! Ah, my love! Soon shall we
Be together, and true love shall light us
On our way to Mantua! Happy day!
(ROMEO sees BENVOLIO.)
Benvolio? What art thou doing here?
BENVOLIO.Romeo! O, I was just, um, I was…
ROMEO.In the middle of the night?
BENVOLIO.Well, you see…
ROMEO.(Dawning comprehension:) With thy shirt on inside out?!
BENVOLIO. Heh heh… (Long moment of silence.) He who snoozeth
loseth?
(With a cry, ROMEO draws his sword.)
BENVOLIO.Cousin, be reasonable!
ROMEO.I will kill thee! I will murder thee!
JULIET.Hast thou not murdered enough people already?!
ROMEO.Thou didst tell her?!
BENVOLIO. With thy best interest at heart! I swear, ’twas all for
your sake! Well, at least, up until the sex. That, less so.
ROMEO.Benvolio, thou art a dead man!
(ROMEO chases BENVOLIO offstage.)
JULIET.(Calling after:) Wait! Stop, Benvolio! Hold, Romeo!
O, someone must elope with me or else
I shall have yet another husband Thursday!
Goddammit, that would make it three this week!
Alack, they’re gone! I spy no remedy
Except to hasten to the clever friar.
These Gordian knots he must untangle,
For they are quite beyond my desp’rate power!
(Exeunt.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 71

Act IV (JLA), Scene 3

(FRIAR’s cell. FRIAR onstage. MERCUTIO enters.)

MERCUTIO.O father, can I trouble thee a bit?
FRIAR.Yes, I’m sure you’re up to it.
MERCUTIO.I wondered if thou knew’st the whereabouts
Of my two friends. Didst thou perchance catch sight
Of Benvolio or rage-gripped Romeo?
FRIAR.Nay, my son, I have no word from either one.
But let me say, I wash my hands of both!
MERCUTIO. Damn. Man, why’s everybody gotta be acting crazy
all the time? You know?
FRIAR.I know.
JULIET.(Bursts in, crazily; has clearly been crying.) FRIAR!
FRIAR.Juliet! Daughter, thou look’st terrible!
JULIET.Is’t any wonder? My husband hath slain my cousin, I took
his cousin as my lover, so he intends to slay his cousin, and now my
lover’s so busy hiding from his cousin my husband the crazy cousin
killer that no one’s around to get me out of this goddamn town be-
fore they marry me to the County-freakin’-Paris!
MERCUTIO.Who’s my cousin.
JULIET.Right. O, aid me, father, lest this dagger find my breast!
FRIAR.Whoa, whoa, goddammit!
Hold, daughter! I do spy a kind of hope,
Which craves as desperate an execution
As that is desperate which we would prevent.
If, rather than to marry County Paris,
Thou hast the strength of will to slay thyself—
JULIET.DAMN RIGHT!
FRIAR.Okay!
Then it is likely thou wilt undertake
A thing like death to chide away this shame.
JULIET.O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris,
From off the battlements of any tower,
And I will do it without fear or doubt,
To live an unstained wife to my sweet love!
MERCUTIO.I’m not sure “unstained” is the right word—
JULIET.SHUT UP!
72 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO.Yes, ma’am.
FRIAR.Juliet, go home, be merry, give consent
To marry Paris. Wednesday is tomorrow.
Tomorrow night look that thou lie alone.
Take thou this vial, being then in bed,
And this distilling liquor drink thou off;
This done, no breath shall testify thou livest;
And in this borrowed likeness of shrunken death
Thou shalt continue two-and-forty hours,
And then awake as from a pleasant sleep.
Now, when the bridegroom in the morning comes
To rouse thee from thy bed, there art thou dead.
Then, as the manner of our country is,
Thou shalt be borne to that same ancient vault
Where all the kindred Capulets lie.
In the meantime, against thou shalt awake,
Your love Benvolio shall know our drift.
And hither shall he come; and secretly
Will watch thy waking, and that very night
Shall Benvolio bear thee hence to Mantua.
And this shall free thee from this present shame,
If no inconstant toy nor womanish fear
Abate thy valor in the acting it.
JULIET.Give me, give me! O, tell me not of fear!
FRIAR.Hold! Get you gone, be strong and prosperous
In this resolve. >>
(JULIET exits.)
<< Mercutio, wilt thou
Please find her love and tell him of this plan?
MERCUTIO.Ay, I’ll do my part to help my friend.
FRIAR.Thou wilt remember to do this, right?
MERCUTIO.Yes, of course!
FRIAR.Because this is really important.
MERCUTIO.I know, I was listening.
FRIAR.If you were to forget and get caught up in something else…
MERCUTIO.Yes, yes, death, disaster, blah blah blah.
FRIAR.It’s just that, you have this reputation for getting distracted…
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 73

MERCUTIO.Please. I think I can remember something this important.

(Exeunt.)

Act IV (JLA), Scene 4

(A public place. ROMEO and MERCUTIO are playing cards.)

MERCUTIO.Ha! Take that! Go fish!
ROMEO.Thou always winnest at this… Hast thou any fours?
MERCUTIO.Ha HA! AGAIN! Get thee to a fishery!
ROMEO. I hate this game. Hey, Mercutio, wasn’t there something
you said you needed to do today?
MERCUTIO.O, yeah, I just have to—O SHIT!
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (JLA), Scene 5

(Inside a tomb belonging to the Capulets. JULIET is laid out.

BENVOLIO is with her.)
BENVOLIO.O, Juliet, my love, thou art deceased,
And thou didst make me swear to take my life
If e’er the stars wrenched thee away from me!
I’m not afraid, per se, to keep this pledge—
It’s just that I have much to live for.
Pubescence hath just struck. I am but young…
And to kill myself would be a sin…
Besides, this poison smells funny. I like not
The look of it. And yet, I did promise.
O fine, let it be done and over with! (Drinks poison.)
Lord, that tasteth terrible! Well, I hope Juliet doth appreciate— (Dies.)
JULIET.Where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is Benvolio?
What’s here? A cup, closed in my true love’s hand?
He must have thought me dead and killed himself!
I hope that he read out the death poem
I penned for him before he met his end!
MERCUTIO.(From offstage:) O SHIT, O SHIT, O SHIT, O SHIT!
ROMEO.(From offstage:) Benvolio, wait!
74 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO.(From offstage:) O SHIT, SHE’S NOT DEAD! O SHIT, I

FORGOT TO TELL THEE SHE’S NOT DEAD!
JULIET. Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! (Snatching
BENVOLIO’s dagger:) This is thy sheath; (Stabs herself.) there rust, and
let me die.
(ROMEO and MERCUTIO enter. JULIET dies.)
ROMEO.Juliet! Benvolio!
MERCUTIO.…O shit.
(CAPULET and MONTAGUE enter.)
MONTAGUE.What misadventure is so early up,
That calls our person from our morning’s rest?
ROMEO.Father! Lord Capulet!
CAPULET.Indeed! We arbitrarily heard there
Might be some commotion here right now! (Spotting JULIET:)
O heavens! O help, look how my daughter bleeds!
MONTAGUE.O thou untaught! What manners is in this?
To press before thy uncle to a grave?
Speak, my son—why standest thou in silence?
Do say at once what thou dost know in this.
ROMEO.O, who knows? I guess they were married or something.
CAPULET.Woe, woe! What woe bestrides my heavy soul!
O brother Montague, give me thy hand:
This is my daughter’s jointure, for no more
Can I demand. >>
MONTAGUE.<< But I can give thee more:
For I will raise her statue in pure gold;
That while Verona by that name is known,
There shall no figure at such rate be set
As that of true and faithful Juliet.
CAPULET.As rich shall Benvolio’s by his lady’s lie;
Poor sacrifices of our enmity!
MONTAGUE.A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
CAPULET.The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
MONTAGUE.Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
CAPULET.Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished:
MONTAGUE.For never was a story of more woe
CAPULET.Than this of Juliet and her Benvolio.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 75

(CAPULET and MONTAGUE exit.)

MERCUTIO.You dodged a bullet there, bro.
ROMEO.Yeah, no kidding. See what havoc young love can wreak!
Well, I have learned my lesson, Mercutio. No more sighing for love!
I am a reformed man.
MERCUTIO.Believe me, sir, I am most happy to hear it! I think you
will find life a merrier endeavor altogether now that you will no
longer groan at every pretty passing wench. And besides, that shall
leave far more time for cards and fencing and revelry.
ROMEO.I’ll change my ways, for thou art surely right.
Only… Think you Ros’line might be free tonight?
(MERCUTIO slaps him upside the head.)
(Exeunt.)

Act V (JLA), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,
A pair of star-cross’d lovers meet and break.
Instead a pairing more star-cross’d with woes,
Doth fall in love and both their lives they take.
The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love,
And the continuance of their parents’ rage,
Which, but their children’s end, naught could remove,
Was now the one hour traffic of our stage;
Thou hast seen the ending that thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
 Act IV (JLB)

Act IV (JLB), Scene 1

(Continues from Act III (JL), Scene 3.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. Sweet Juliet
Deserves to know the truth. And furthermore,
Suppose some accident revealed my lie!
My wife would surely loathe me for all time!
I shall confess here now and know her mind.
(To JULIET:) My love, I must discover all for you—
’Twas not the rhinos ended Tybalt’s life,
But ’stead your poor unhappy husband’s hand,
Which, I do fear, stabbed him quite thoroughly.
Yet ’twas, I swear, only in self-defense!
JULIET.O serpent heart, hid with a flow’ring face!
Am I, thy wife, so readily betrayed?
MERCUTIO.Good job, dumbass.
JULIET.Yeah, good job, dumbass!
FRIAR.Will you speak ill of him that is your husband?
Daughter, fierce Tybalt would have struck him dead,
Had gentle Romeo not drawn his sword!
BENVOLIO.’Tis as the friar says—that brawl could take
No other course but death of one or both.
JULIET.Ah, poor my lord, what tongue shall smooth thy name,
When I, thy three-hours wife, have mangled it?
Back, foolish tears, back to your native spring!
Your tributary drops belong to woe,
Which you, mistaking, offer up to joy.
My husband lives, that Tybalt would have slain;
And Tybalt’s dead, that would have slain my husband.
More, he is made of such fine parts that he
Doth tell the truth and shun a vicious course.
For this, I love thee all the greater, lord!
ROMEO.My angel wife, thy goodness knows no bounds!
I love thee even more than thou lov’st me!
JULIET.Nay, I love thee more!
ROMEO.Nay, I love thee more!
MERCUTIO.Okay, we get the picture!
BENVOLIO.Shh, ’tis sweet.

77
78 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

JULIET.My love, thy happy count’nance gives me joy,

But I came not to speak of Tybalt’s death—
There is a greater sadness I must share!
I’ve learned my father plans to “cheer” my woe
By wedding me to Paris Thursday next!
FRIAR. Buggering bigamous balderdash! Thou canst not be wed
twice!
ROMEO.Hard-hearted Fates! Malicious, loathsome hags!
Please, father, if thou canst think of anything—
FRIAR.My children, I do spy a kind of hope:
That you away tonight to Mantua.
Meanwhile, I will to both your parents go,
Who, worrying and wond’ring at your fate,
Will listen gladly as I tell them all,
Their fearsome anger temper’d by relief.
Once I show them your union’s benefits,
We all shall call you back without delay!
JULIET.I hate the thought of fleeing from Verona;
’Tis like admitting guilt. Shall we, who’ve done
No wrong abscond and leave the work to thee?
Our wedding bond can bear my cousin’s death.
Cannot we stand against our parents’ rage?
FRIAR.My child, their fury will be great at first,
And they your union will dissolve lest you
By clever means reveal it in good light.
ROMEO.What clever means might we employ for this?
FRIAR.I don’t know. You didn’t like my idea.
BENVOLIO. Ooh, I got it! You should kill yourselves! That’ll teach
’em!
ROMEO.Teach ’em what?
BENVOLIO.You know, the power of love, the emptiness of hatred,
etc.?
JULIET.(Deadpan:) Yeah, that sounds worth it. Go fuck yourself.
ROMEO.Any other ideas?
(FRIAR and BENVOLIO shake their heads.)
ROMEO.…Mercutio?
MERCUTIO. Well, well, well, look who’s come crawling back. I
thought you didn’t like my ideas. O Mercutio, your mustaches are
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 79

stupid, O Mercutio, lying to my wife is unethical, O Mercutio, that

fire pit is too hot for that badger—
BENVOLIO.I do wish you hadn’t killed that badger.
MERCUTIO.He had it coming!
ROMEO.Please, Mercutio, we need thy help.
MERCUTIO. O, then I guess that means you don’t think all of my
ideas are bad.
ROMEO.Well—
MERCUTIO.Say it.
ROMEO.I… I don’t think all of your ideas are bad.
MERCUTIO.And you value my friendship.
ROMEO.And I value your friendship.
MERCUTIO.AND you do think that badger had it coming?
ROMEO.Aw, man, I don’t… All right, fine! The badger had it coming!
MERCUTIO.All right then. In that case, I do have one idea:
Now listen to my awesome, brilliant plan!
Lord Montague is a quite mild man
And his approval may be eas’ly gained.
Lord Capulet shall prove the stumbling block—
The news that you eloped would anger him.
But your young marriage might most pleasing seem
If it could rescue him from dire straits.
ROMEO.What dire straits?
MERCUTIO.Surely the wedding will most lavish be,
Since Capulet would not spare an expense,
And many guests will come from far and wide
To fair Verona to see Juliet wed.
So reckon then how chastened he would be
If “steadfast” County Paris changed his mind,
Deciding not to take thee as his bride!
The ceremony immanent, and
Capulet desp’rate for a groom, he will
Most gladly take thee as a substitute.
JULIET.But how wouldst thou change the county’s will?
MERCUTIO.’Tis simple!
I know a lass surpassing passing fair,
Who doth possess a certain kind of air
That is exactly to the county’s taste,
80 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

And shall his love for thee swiftly erase.

This night there is a feast he will attend;
I will bring her and thus your marriage end.
ROMEO.Mercutio, thou hast thought of everything!
JULIET.A thousand thanks, good Mercutio!
MERCUTIO.You are both most welcome. Just leave it all to me!
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (JLB), Scene 2

(A church in Verona. JULIET stands with FRIAR at the altar.

CAPULET is with them.)
CAPULET.Good heavens, how thy groom doth make us wait!
Perchance some accident hath him delayed
From keeping this most solemn appointment!
JULIET.O father, I confess that I do fear the worst!
What if my dear beloved abandons me,
The worthless wretch I am? For ’tis plain truth
That he, the idol of virility,
Doth so excel my meager qualities!
Yea, Paris boasts the glory of a jaw
So square and chest mantastical as would
Strike down e’en Zeus himself with jealousy!
CAPULET.Nay, nay, my heart! This talk must cease at once.
Paris will come! He must! The ceremony
Today hath almost emptied all my purse!
O Juliet, thou need’st be wed this morn—
I can’t afford this lavishness again!
(PARIS enters.)
CAPULET.But cast those fears aside! Thy groom arrives!
JULIET.(Aside:) Alas! How couldst thou fail, Mercutio?
Now heavens shield me from this cret’nous tool!
PARIS.O Juliet, thou must accept this grave
Apology for my awful delay!
Thou stand’st before me lovely to behold,
A most exquisite bride for any groom!
That is, any groom except for me.
CAPULET.What’s this?!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 81

PARIS.Alack, our marriage cannot be, for the stars have otherwise
decreed. My friends, I present to thee the fairest maiden in all of
Verona, my sweet Carlotta: the true ideal of womanhood!
(MERCUTIO enters in drag.)
MERCUTIO. Methinks I hear my lord’s honey voice! Didst thou
call, Sugar Muscle Buns?
FRIAR. (Aside, to JULIET:) The, uh…the true ideal of womanhood
looks like Mercutio in a wig.
JULIET.(Aside, to FRIAR:) That is Mercutio in a wig.
FRIAR.O, abominable horror! Mercuti—!
JULIET.(Cutting off FRIAR:) Thou spake truly, noble County! What
a fair maid!
PARIS.Ay, my Carlotta is beautiful, but also sweet and hearty, like
an angel wrapped in bacon.
MERCUTIO.O, Honey Buffkins, thy words melt my heart like but-
ter!
PARIS.And tonight, we spread that butter on the hot bagel of our
love! Yea, how fortunate I was to run into her last night! For you see,
my lord, in the space of one evening, we met, exchanged vows, and
married!
CAPULET.What! How now? Is’t so indeed? Married and not to my
daughter?! Thou craven common-kissing clotpole! Thou errant on-
ion-eyed boar-pig!
PARIS.I was hoping thou wouldst not take this so personally…
CAPULET. THOU WHITE-LIVERED YELLOW-FACED BUTT-BIT-
ING PIG-FIDDLER!
(ROMEO enters.)
ROMEO.Excuse me, lord, but I could hardly help
But overhear thy grave predicament—
As I stood pressing my ear against the door of the chapel for the past
hour—
And I discern a way to cure your woes.
CAPULET.What is this Montague blathering about?
JULIET.I know not. Let us hear him out, lord father.
ROMEO.Fair Juliet must needs be wed
Without delay, lest you expend your funds
82 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

In vain and be the mock of all Verona.

Yet thou no longer hast a willing groom.
CAPULET.All this we know! Speak to the purpose, boy!
ROMEO.My lord, I’ll take the county’s place in wedlock.
CAPULET.What say you? Thou art a Montague!
ROMEO.Ay, true, but I am at a marrying age,
And need to find a suit’ble spouse myself.
And there’s the added good, that were we wed,
Our houses could forget the ancient feud
That’s been the cause of so much senseless strife.
FRIAR.I think thou wouldst be wise to heed these words.
Good Romeo doth speak most true, my lord.
JULIET.I, too, do see the wisdom of his plan!
O, father, marry me to this fine man!
CAPULET.But Juliet, couldst thou bear to be tied
To Romeo, e’en for thy family’s sake?
JULIET.O I think I could try to bear it…
CAPULET.This is a heavy matter to decide!
Friar, I must counsel hold with thee.
FRIAR.Of course, my lord.
(CAPULET and FRIAR exit.)
PARIS.By my bicep, this may come to some happy resolution yet!
MERCUTIO.Hooray!
ROMEO.(Just now noticing MERCUTIO:) Umm…
JULIET.Yeah.
ROMEO.Noble County, might we speak to thy lady for a moment?
PARIS. But of course! I’ll stand aside and hum about love! (Stands
aside and hums to himself.)
(ROMEO, JULIET, and MERCUTIO move downstage.)
ROMEO.Mercutio, what the hell art thou doing?
MERCUTIO.The girl did not show up…
ROMEO.What?!
MERCUTIO. The girl whom I planned to introduce to the county
did not show up, so I needed a plan B!
ROMEO.Why is plan B thee in women’s clothing?!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 83

MERCUTIO.It worked, didn’t it?

ROMEO.Define “worked”!
MERCUTIO.The county no longer wishes to wed thy Juliet, just as
I promised!
ROMEO.Because you married him! How wilt thou escape him?
MERCUTIO.Well… Romeo, I must confess that though I undertook
this task for thee and approached the county solely with thy good in
mind in time I… In time I learned to love him.
ROMEO.You what?!
MERCUTIO.I’m saying, I have a good thing going here. Don’t mess
this up for me.
JULIET.But…will he not discover that thou art a man?
MERCUTIO.Let’s just say that if he were going to notice, he would
have already.
JULIET.O.
MERCUTIO.Yeah.
(CAPULET and FRIAR reenter.)
CAPULET.Daughter, the matter is decided!
I have considered and I think it best
That thou dost marry with this man. For though
He be a mammering hell-spawned hedge-pig,
Still he be better than the county.
PARIS.(Greatly amused:) “Better than the county!” Like that’s a thing!
JULIET.O, Romeo, now we can be together,
Free of our parents’ ancient strife at last!
ROMEO. Juliet, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded
husband—
FRIAR.Hey, you have to wait for me to do that—
ROMEO.To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death
do us part?
FRIAR. Okay, but we’re just going to have to this again in front of
everyone.
JULIET.I do, a thousand times, I do! You may kiss the bride.
(They kiss.)
MERCUTIO.You know, none of this matters—they’re already married.
84 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

CAPULET.What?!
ROMEO.A blooming peace this morning with it brings;
JULIET.The sun, with joy, doth proudly lift his head:
ROMEO.Go hence, to have more talk of these glad things;
JULIET.All shall be pardon’d and none punished:
ROMEO.For never was a story of less woe…
ROMEO & JULIET.Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
(Exeunt.)

Act V (JLB), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,
A pair of star-cross’d lovers meet and wed,
And put an end to both their families’ woes,
So not another drop of blood is shed.
The happy triumph of their troubled love,
And the cessation of their parents’ rage,
Which, but their children wed, naught could remove,
Was now the one hour traffic of our stage;
Thou hast seen the ending thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
 Act II (R)

Act II (R), Scene 1

(Continues from Act I, Scene 4.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. Could I, in love
With Rosaline, forget my muse so quickly?
What sort of douchebag could do such a thing?
Not I. For Romeo is true and constant!
(MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO enter.)
MERCUTIO.O Romeo, wilt thou not come and dance?
For we found maidens lonely enough to
Endure thy melancholy bullshit.
ROMEO.Nay, sir! Have I not told it thee enough?
I must be true to mine own lady!
BENVOLIO.But coz, thy lady is a Capulet!
MERCUTIO.Plus, she kind of hates you.
ROMEO. Shut up, Mercutio! Benvolio, what sayest thou? Rosaline
a Capulet?!
BENVOLIO.Yes, Rosaline!
MERCUTIO. Yep, she’s a Capulet all right. There’s one line where
Shakespeare just kind of slips that in there.
ROMEO.Nay, that cannot be! Is it possible? I mean, you’d think that
would have come up as an issue before, right?
MERCUTIO.So thou wouldst think. But for some reason, it totally
didn’t.
ROMEO.Really? That seems so strange!
MERCUTIO.It doth seem strange. But here we are.
BENVOLIO. And also, she is sister to the fierce Tybalt. (Aside to
audience:) We added that part. (Back to ROMEO:) So, in every way,
this is a bad idea. Not that such considerations shall sway thee…
ROMEO.Is she a Capulet? No wonder she hates me!
MERCUTIO.That’s not the only reason.
ROMEO.I’m sure it’s mostly the reason!
O dear account! My life is my foe’s debt.
(Enter ROSALINE.)
O, fairest Rosaline! Look, she is here!
Tonight I must convince her of my love!

85
86 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO. (To BENVOLIO:) Well, I see Romeo knows not the

meaning of futility.
BENVOLIO.And with a Capulet no less! I should never stoop so low.
ROMEO.(To ROSALINE, reaching for her hand:)
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
ROSALINE. O not this again. Touch me and thou shalt lose that
hand, pernicious suitor.
ROMEO.Yet ’twould be worth that passing sacrifice!
ROSALINE.Romeo, methinks thou must be mad. An it be not so, it
is beyond me to explain why thou still seemst to think thou hast a
chance with a woman who so openly loathes thee.
ROMEO.Alas, my heart! Why shouldst thou loathe me?
Art thou so ruled by our kin’s hateful feud?
ROSALINE.Nay, Montague. I am ruled by nothing but my own will.
ROMEO.And wilt thou will thyself to want of love?
ROSALINE.To the contrary, I will will myself not to want love, and
thus, thy want is what I want. Flighty Romeo, fly thyself hence.
ROMEO.Alas, I cannot fly without thy love!
ROSALINE. O fine. Then mope thy way out of my sight. I grow
weary of these games.
ROMEO.Games! But my love—
ROSALINE.Hear me, Montague, for I had rather hear my dog bark
at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
(ROSALINE exits. ROMEO chases her off.)
ROMEO.(Exiting:) Wait! Rosaline!
MERCUTIO.Ay, and there thou hast it. By my reckoning, he shall
be after her all night to no avail. Again.
BENVOLIO.I doubt it not.
MERCUTIO.Methinks he needs a better pick-up line. Any maiden
who might fall for that could only be a simpering, slobbering
romantic, the likes of which must rival Romeo himself. If such a
creature doth exist, it should be a man’s last goal on earth to ensnare
her! Now, sir, I grow weary of observing hapless flirting that I might
perform to greater effect. If thou dost follow, I shall correct Romeo’s
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 87

example and show thee how thou mightst exit this masque with fair
maidens following in tow—not the other way around. (Exits.)
BENVOLIO.O, something in this speech doth smack ignoble.
What is the harm in well-measured romance?
Surely, our Romeo doth go too far.
But if a man retain his reason, then
What would be lost? Yea, ne’er will love—
Since I’m most reas’nable of all the men I know—
Transform me to some googly-eyed Romeo.
(Spotting JULIET offstage:)
But who is that with County Paris?
Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!
For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night!
But what’s this? O God, she’s coming this way! O God, I have to hide
again!
(BENVOLIO exits. JULIET enters. NURSE follows.)
NURSE.O my lady, Juliet, where’re you getting off to?
JULIET.Peace, good nurse, peace!
I need a moment’s rest from County Paris!
NURSE.Why hast thou need of rest? By my bloomers, what’s wrong
with the county?
JULIET.Well, for starters—
(CAPULET and PARIS enter.)
CAPULET.Yea, County Paris, true, this latest clash
Hath not endeared us to our sovereign prince,
Who threatens Montague and I alike
Should it recur; but ’tis not hard, I think,
For men so old as we to keep the peace.
PARIS.Lord Capulet, you both are hon’rable,
And pity ’tis you lived so long at odds.
But now, my lord, what say you to my suit?
CAPULET.But saying o’er what I have said before:
My Juliet’s a stranger in the world,
She hath not seen the change of fourteen years;
Let two more summers wither in their pride
Ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.
PARIS.Younger than she are happy mothers made.
JULIET.But happier still are those allowed to wait.
88 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

NURSE. Now, hush, my child, opinions are for men. (Aside, to

JULIET:) Foolish girl, if thou must give offense, give it to a man less
wealthy, and less handsome! Why, I tell thee, if I were thy age—
JULIET.I know, I know! Peace, Nurse, he can hear thee!
NURSE. Let him hear! I’d tell the world the things I’d do to that
man. And if thou deniest his love, then I have me half a mind to rip
off his pants right here and have at it, if you know what I’m saying
and I think you know what I’m saying—
PARIS.(Cutting her off:) I think we all know what thou art saying.
I understand thy zeal quite well, good nurse,
For many tell me I’m a handsome man.
Yea, I’ve been working on my six-pack
And have an abdomen formidable.
One glance at said abdomen, I’d wager,
Will be enough to quell thy lady’s doubts.
JULIET.It would have to be quite an abdomen.
PARIS. I do many crunches. Behold! (PARIS rips open his shirt to
display abs; then directs them at JULIET intensely.)
CAPULET.(Gesturing for PARIS to put away his abs:)
And we shall see if that doth sway in time.
PARIS.Well, I must take leave for my midnight workout.
Please muse upon this portrait of my abs.
(Handing JULIET a miniature portrait:)
My lady, fare thee well ’til next we meet!
(PARIS exits.)
CAPULET.How, daughter, what think you of the county?
JULIET.Um…
CAPULET.Come, heart, art thou moved beyond thy words?
NURSE.Well, I don’t know if she be, but Lord knows I’m not! I could
talk about that man for hours, I could! O, Juliet, didst thou mark that
rump! Such a manly rump, I know I’ve never seen in all my time!
And I have seen many a man rump in my time! Why, Lord knows I
could stand here and recount every man rump ’twas I ever saw, and
not a single one would live up to the county’s!
JULIET.Please don’t.
NURSE.Too late! Why, the first one I recall was back when I was but
a girl, first opening my eyes to the charms of men…
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 89

CAPULET. Enough of this; I pray thee, hold thy peace! (Pulling

JULIET aside:) Come daughter, talk where I might hear thee.
JULIET.Ay, as you wish, father.
NURSE.Well, that was right hurtful, that was. Here I was trying to
recount my fond memories, and no one wants to listen…
(TYBALT enters.)
O, Tybalt, sir! How glad I am to see you! I was just talking with my
lady and thy uncle upon about man rumps when they withdrew
and left me here all by myself. But I know that thou wilt listen—
TYBALT.Nurse, shut up. (Looking offstage at BENVOLIO:)
Who is that gazing at
My dear cousin? >>
NURSE.<< O, Tybalt, I know not.
TYBALT.This, by his frame, should be a Montague!
Yet he is too handsomely mustachèd…
The mustache is false! ’Tis Benvolio!
I must fetch my rapier. What! Dares the slave
Come hither, donning a fantastic ’stache
To fleer and scorn at our solemnity?
Now, by the stock and honor of my kin,
To strike him dead I hold it not a sin.
(TYBALT begins to cross. CAPULET stops him.)
CAPULET.Why, how now, kinsman? Wherefore storm you so?
TYBALT.Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe,
A villain, that is hither come in spite
To scorn at our solemnity this night.
CAPULET.Content thee, gentle coz, let him alone.
TYBALT.He is a villain! I’ll not endure him!
CAPULET.Why dost thou think him a villain?
He is devilishly good-looking… (Cut this second line if CAPULET and
BENVOLIO are not played by same actor.)
TYBALT.(Sputtering:) Is it not obvious? You can’t descry
The villainy that lurks in yon rogue’s eye?!
More, ’tis his eyebrows that give him away!
He hath the eyebrows of a snake, I say!
He raiseth them with frequency suspicious—
A portent clear and inauspicious!
His chin betrays a lack of class—
I beg thee, uncle, let me kick his ass!
90 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

NURSE.Snakes don’t have eyebrows.

TYBALT.Are you being paid to nurse infants or make me FURIOUS?!
CAPULET. You are a saucy boy! Is’t so, indeed? Thou pribbling
rump-fed pig nut! You’ll no such thing in my house, mark me, and
that’s final!
TYBALT.Patience perforce with the willful choler meeting
Makes my flesh tremble in their different greeting.
I will withdraw; but this intrusion shall
Now seeming sweet, convert to bitt’rest gall. (Exits.)
NURSE. O, good work, my lord! Thou dost know best! I’ve always
said, thou dost know best! And that reminds me of a completely
unrelated story that might be of interest, though, then again,
probably not, but in any case, ’tis quite long…
(CAPULET exits.)
My lord! My lord, where art thou going? I was telling thee a story, I
was! Well, Juliet, I could tell you the same story—only gratuitously
lengthened because I know how you like inconsequential details—
JULIET.I have never said that.
NURSE. ’Twas twenty-one years ago, on the third Monday in May,
at about 10:15 in the morning when I discovered the bunion—
JULIET. O Nurse, I think County Paris is undressing in the other
room!
NURSE.What? I thought he left! Hot diggity damn!
(NURSE runs off. JULIET is standing to the side. BENVOLIO
enters.)
BENVOLIO.(Aside:) Okay, come on, Benvolio, you can do this! You
can do this!
(To audience:) I know not how to speak with women, true,
But I’ve devised a pick-up line that’s fool-proof,
Now I will put poor Romeo’s rhyme to shame!
For poetry be the food of love—and once I read a book of it!
(BENVOLIO approaches JULIET.)
BENVOLIO.Excuse me… Rub a dub dub, it’s time for some love.
JULIET.What?
BENVOLIO.(Panicking:) I mean…! Um… O God!
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 91

My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
JULIET.
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.
(JULIET looks at BENVOLIO expectantly. BENVOLIO shares a
helpless look with audience; no idea how to proceed.)
BENVOLIO.(To JULIET:) Um… ay, holy palmers’ kiss…
JULIET.But then saints have lips, and holy palmers too…
Though, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer!
BENVOLIO.O, right, prayer… Prayer is important…
JULIET.Of course, lips could do what hands do.
And pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
BENVOLIO.Wait, I’m sorry, lips are doing what now?
JULIET.Forget it. I’ll just show thee.
(JULIET kisses him.)
BENVOLIO.O, hot dog! So this is puberty! Welcome to it!
(NURSE enters, approaches JULIET.)
NURSE. Madam Juliet, why here you are! (Pulling her aside:) What
art thou doing, talking to this Montague?
JULIET.What sayest thou? Is this a Montague?
NURSE.His name’s Benvolio, a Montague;
The fair nephew of your great enemy!
JULIET.My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
Prodigious birth of love it is to me,
That I must love a loathed enemy.
NURSE.What’s this? What’s this? >>
JULIET.<< A rhyme I learn’d even now
Of one I danced withal. Pay it no mind.
NURSE.Okay, well, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but your
mother craves a word with you. Go now, don’t keep her waiting.
(JULIET exits.)
BENVOLIO.(Overhearing only the end:) What is her mother? >>
92 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

NURSE.<< Marry, bachelor,

Her mother is the lady of the house,
And a good lady, and a wise and virtuous.
I nursed her daughter that you talked withal.
So whate’er you’re thinking, Montague, hands off!
BENVOLIO.Is she a Capulet? It doesn’t matter! We kissed! We’re in
love now! Juliet, come back!
(BENVOLIO exits after her.)
NURSE. Now, wait just a minute! Where do you think you’re go-
ing?! Get back here, you! Get back here! No one ever listens to me. O,
this isn’t going to end well… I guess it might. Depends on whether
or not people make terrible decisions. (NURSE gives audience a warn-
ing look.)
(Exeunt.)

Act II (R), Scene 2

(Near ROSALINE’s house. Enter ROMEO.)

ROMEO.O Rosaline! Thou spurn’st my pit’ous sighs,
My love, but I must have thee hear me out!
So I’m gonna break into your house, and hopefully you’re gonna
find that endearing.
(ROMEO hides. Enter MERCUTIO.)
MERCUTIO.I could have sworn Romeo went this way—
Romeo, where art thou? Come out, come out!
Benvolio hath lost his head and fled
Into the night, and now I can’t find thee!
Fine, I’m going home. Man, why’s everybody gotta be acting crazy
all the time…
(MERCUTIO exits. ROMEO comes forward, enters the orchard.)
ROMEO.He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
(ROSALINE appears above at a window.)
ROMEO.But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Ros’line is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 93

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.

It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were! >>
ROSALINE.<< Ay me… >>
ROMEO.<< She speaks:
O, speak again, bright angel!
ROSALINE. O, men, men! Wherefore are men men? So pleasing in
aspect, so wretched in manner! Fickle, inconstant creatures! They
babble and kiss women’s feet, swear their undying devotion, and
change their minds the next instant! And yet I must suffer and listen
as suitor after suitor lays siege to mine ears with short-lived affections.
ROMEO.My lovely Rosaline, thou speakest false!
(ROSALINE screams.)
ROMEO.Forgive me, I didn’t mean to startle you!
ROSALINE.O, Romeo, that must be you. What are you doing here?
Did you come to read me a poem? Play me a tune? Hast thou pre-
pared a little dance for my amusement?
ROMEO.Fair maid, I bear no bag of tricks, no dance,
No tune to move thy breast; but simply this—
A declaration of my love for thee.
ROSALINE. A declaration! Of those I’m in short supply. What use
is that to me?
ROMEO.My love, dost thou doubt my sincerity?
I am no charlatan; my love for thee
Is boundless, timeless—’twill outlast the sun!
TYBALT.(Emerging from house:) Damnation, what is all this noise I
hear?
Sister, ’tis late—what art thou doing up?
(ROMEO hides.)
ROSALINE.Nothing, brother! Just taking in the night air!
TYBALT.Something is wrong—my Tybalt sense is tingling.
Methinks that I detect someone fleering!
Ros’line, is there someone in our garden?
ROSALINE.Nay, brother; ’tis just crickets and birds thou hearest.
(ROSALINE gestures for ROMEO to make bird and cricket nois-
es. ROMEO does…badly.)
See? Get back to bed. I will go to sleep anon.
94 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

TYBALT.This is most suspicious… but okay. (Exits.)

(ROMEO emerges from hiding.)
ROSALINE. Romeo, thou must flee! If my brother should discover
thee…
ROMEO.Thy fearsome kinsman is no let to me;
My life were better ended by his hate,
Than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.
ROSALINE.Foolish boy! Thou wouldst rather die without my love?
Thou art truly deluded! Hast thou not loved other women before?
Wilt thou not love again if I turn thee away?
ROMEO.O, loved before? I thought so, I confess.
And love again? Mayhap, in time, I might.
But ’twould not be the love I here profess—
A blinding passion that I cannot fight.
ROSALINE.If thou mightst love again, why dost thou speak of death?
ROMEO.Because no other love will be as true,
And I must have true love or cease my breath.
There is no life for me outside of you.
ROSALINE.Deranged man, from Adam thou know’st me not!
ROMEO.I know thee well from Adam—thou art my Eve.
ROSALINE.Then I tempt you to fall; your love is too hot.
ROMEO.You make me leap, perchance to fall and grieve,
Perchance to find my wings and soar above
The earth where I am trapped without thy love.
TYBALT.(Re-emerging:) O sister, wherefore art thou still carrying on?
I need my beauty sleep—thou knowest this!
(ROSALINE helps ROMEO hide.)
ROSALINE.Ay, I’ll go to bed anon, I swear!
TYBALT.Very well, I—(Noticing something and sniffing the air:)
Wait, what’s this?! Fee, fie, foe, fontague! I smell
The blood of a young villain Montague!
ROSALINE. Brother, the feast has put thee in an awful state! Thy
thoughts are so filled with our family’s feud that thou conjurest
Montagues out of the air! Prithee, go inside and rest thy nerves.
TYBALT.I don’t know, this is really, really suspicious… but okay.
(Exits.)
(ROMEO emerges from hiding again.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 95

ROSALINE. That was close! Romeo, thou must leave before my

brother comes back!
ROMEO.I shall not go until thou hear’st me out!
ROSALINE. I heard thee, I heard thee! Now, go, lest thou shouldst
die for someone thou dost not know!
ROMEO.Would not a father for his children die,
As soon as they are born? He knows them just
An instant, true, but yet his love is sure.
ROSALINE. Infuriating man! Thou choosest to be sure! Thou
choosest to feel the love thou wishest to feel!
ROMEO.Call it a choice, what does it matter?
I will not change my mind—I love thee now
And will forever. Dost thou feel nothing back?
O, if thou lov’st me not at all, say so,
And I will call for thy bloody kinsman
To end me here and spare the ground my tears.
ROSALINE. No! Don’t be rash! I will consider it, alright? Just get
thee home!
ROMEO.Thou wilt consider it?
ROSALINE.Ay, ay, just go!
ROMEO.O, my sweet love! A thousand times good night!
A thousand times the worse, to want thy light. (Exits.)
ROSALINE.O, God, what have I done.
(Exeunt.)

Act II (R), Scene 3

(Within CAPULET’s mansion. ROSALINE is onstage, daydream-

ing about love. JULIET enters, and ROSALINE snaps out of it.)
JULIET.Good morrow, coz!
ROSALINE.Good morrow, happy Juliet.
JULIET.Why how now? Dost thou speak in the sick tune?
ROSALINE.I am out of all other tune, methinks. By my troth, I am
exceeding ill.
JULIET.O no, poor coz! Hast thou a fever then?
96 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

ROSALINE.Ay, a fever of most inconvenient sort!

My heart misgives what once I thought was sport!
JULIET.A couplet! Roz, thou art in love!
ROSALINE.In love?! No, Juliet, not love, not I!
Surely one couplet doth not signify!
JULIET.Maybe not one, but cousin, that was two.
A third would prove thy guilt past any doubt.
ROSALINE.There will be no third. I’m not in love.
See? I make no rhyme. (Spotting something out the window:) Hey, look,
a dove!
DAMMIT! Okay, so maybe I like this guy…
JULIET.I am so glad to hear it, coz! Wilt thou
Forgo the convent to become his bride?
ROSALINE. Whoa, slow thy roll, thou lusty wench! I hardly know
him, and cannot trust him! For although he seemeth like a good
man, and a kind man, and a handsome man, and a… (Catching self:)
Well, still he be a man, and I trust no creature of those parts! Those…
fascinating parts… (Catching self again:) Besides, he is Romeo and Ro-
meo a Montague!
JULIET.What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. At any rate,
I shall be married to his coz not half
An hour from now, and so I scorn this feud.
ROSALINE.Say that last part again?
JULIET.I scorn this feud.
ROSALINE.The part before?
JULIET.I’m marrying a stranger.
ROSALINE.What?!
JULIET.We met, we wooed and made exchange of vow,
All this last night! So we shall marry now!
ROSALINE. By Cupid, thou wastest not time! How canst thou
marry so quickly? Canst thou be so sure of thy love and thy suitor’s
love for thee?
JULIET.I see no reason why I should not.
ROSALINE.Juliet, thou art young. Thou dost not see the fickleness
of men. My Romeo may speak oath after oath of undying love, but
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 97

I am wiser in my years, and I know that trust is naught but folly. A

man may say one thing, but he will never mean it.
JULIET.Why not? How dost thou know this to be true?
ROSALINE.I just do.
JULIET.Is this about that time that thou didst love
Filippo, and he didst feign to love thee back
And led thee on and stomped thy heart to bits,
And then you locked yourself up in your room
And swore that you would never love again?
ROSALINE.It is not entirely unrelated to that incident.
JULIET.But that was just one man! What if the two
Prove not alike? What if this Romeo
Means all that he doth say? Wilt thou shun him
Before thou givest him a chance with thee?
I think thy chastity is but a ploy
To keep thyself from getting hurt again.
Thou wilt be made a nun only because
Thou art afraid of men! There, I said it.
ROSALINE.Afraid of men? I will show thee! I shall give this Romeo
a chance to prove himself an honest man. I shall conceal me what
I am and appear before him in a man’s weeds. From this disguise
will I question him on the subject of women and unearth those
sentiments, which he, being a man, must possess, but would hide
from me! Ay, he will prove false. And then thou shalt see that I spoke
true!
JULIET.Mayhap. But if I am the one correct?
ROSALINE.Then there’s a one in four chance I’ll kill myself.
JULIET.One in four?
ROSALINE.One in four.
(NURSE enters.)
NURSE. O, Juliet! Are you ready yet? It’s time for your poorly
thought-out wedding! I have no idea why you’re marrying this one!
You know not how to choose a man! His man rump is half the man
rump that Paris’s is!
JULIET.I know, you said! But, remember, I love him.
NURSE.O, pssshhh! Love! Dump the chump and get a better rump!
JULIET.Stop talking about rumps!
NURSE.Never!
98 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

(NURSE exits. JULIET starts to exit. ROSALINE catches her.

They share a sweet moment. JULIET exits excitedly.)
ROSALINE.Great.
And now must I design my male disguise,
The better to reveal Romeo’s lies.
…Damn these couplets!
(Exeunt.)

Act II (R), Scene 4

(A public place. MERCUTIO enters.)

MERCUTIO. Where the devil should this Romeo be? In vain did
I search his father’s house this morn, and hereafter have I scoured
Verona’s streets in hopes of spying out my friend. Forsooth, I grow
quite desperate for company, for even Benvolio begins to seem
appealing. O, a friend! A friend! My best drugs for a friend!
(ROMEO enters.)
MERCUTIO. Romeo, bon jour! You gave us the counterfeit fairly
last night.
ROMEO.Good morrow, good sir. What counterfeit did I give you?
MERCUTIO.The slip, sir, the slip. Can you not conceive?
ROMEO.I beg thy pardon, good Mercutio.
I had to speak to beaut’ous Rosaline
And wrest a pledge of love from her rose lips.
MERCUTIO.Yet again, there is no rest from thy wresting.
Well then, tell me, what pledge didst thou succeed
In wringing from those blushing, ruby lips?
O, let me guess—they parted thus, like this,
And then released that perfumed air that gathers
Inside her dainty lungs, which sounded forth
In Ros’line’s usual sweet and dulcet tone:
“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!”
ROMEO.If that’s thy guess, it striketh a false note.
MERCUTIO.What, did the hardened wench then change her tune?
ROMEO.Ay, from a dirge into an ode to joy!
MERCUTIO.So she told thee that she lovèst thee back?
ROMEO.Well, no.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 99

MERCUTIO.That she conceives some feeling deep for thee?

ROMEO.She didn’t quite say that.
MERCUTIO.Then what did she say?
ROMEO.She said she’s thinking about it.
MERCUTIO.She’s thinking about it?
ROMEO.Ay, she’s totally thinking about it.
MERCUTIO.I have nothing left to say to you.
(BENVOLIO enters.)
MERCUTIO.Oho, well met, my second deserter! Thou arrivest just
in time. I was berating thy coz for his own act of treachery. Hath
neither of thee e’er heard of the golden rule? Bros before hos, foul
traitors! Bros before hos!
ROMEO.I’m not sure that’s the golden rule, Mercutio…
BENVOLIO.Well, bros ere hos—yea, that may be, but yet,
As I am married, wife now must come first.
MERCUTIO. What sayest thou?! Married?! In truth, for once I am
too amazed even to make merry on the turn of phrase, “come”! And
that, thou knowest, sayeth something!
ROMEO.Dost thou speak in earnest? Art thou married?
BENVOLIO.I am, good sirs, within this hour past!
MERCUTIO.To that Capulet? >>
BENVOLIO.<< A Montague now!
MERCUTIO.What a change is here! Last night, didst not
Thou swear never to stoop so low as Romeo?
ROMEO.What is that supposed to mean?
BENVOLIO.Not I! Perchance I tossed off some remark
To that effect, but nay, there was no swear…
MERCUTIO.What news! Benvolio, before I thought thee
A simple hypocrite, but now I know
Thou art stark mad. And also a hypocrite.
(ROSALINE, disguised as a man, enters.)
ROSALINE.O what a fine day it is to be a man! O what an ordinary
man am I! (Aside.) Aha, ’tis Romeo and his cohort! I have found him
out! Well-disguised as I am, now shall I question him upon the
subject of women, and now shall we see who knoweth men best, me
or my marriage-hungry little coz!
100 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

BENVOLIO.Mercutio, in sooth, ’tis thee that’s mad

For thinking marriage some strange lunacy.
MERCUTIO.But it is lunacy, thou love-struck loon—
Already the full moon governs thy wits
And sweeps them out to sea upon the tide!
If you possessed them still, then you would see
That we wise bachelors do live sunnier lives!
ROSALINE. Pardon, worthy gentlemen! I, a fellow man, was
standing here, thinking upon most manly thoughts when I chanced
to hear thy conversation turn upon the point of matrimony, which
I, being a man as I am, also think a most foolish venture! Men were
ne’er meant for constancy. Why should we take a wench for life
when we could take one every day of the week?
MERCUTIO.Hear, hear! Though why stop at one a day?
ROSALINE.A wench an hour!
MERCUTIO.A wench a minute!
ROSALINE.A wench a second!
MERCUTIO. Well, let us not get carried away. That last is just
unreasonable.
BENVOLIO.(To ROMEO:) Chafing issues.
MERCUTIO.Ay, there would be chafing issues.
ROSALINE.(To ROMEO:) Surely ye do agree? Why so silent, fellow
gentleman?
ROMEO.Unsuspiciously attractive stranger,
’Tis clear that thou know’st quite little of love,
Since else thou wouldst not speak like my dense friend.
ROSALINE.What meanest thou by this?
ROMEO.I mean that thou wouldst know, wert thou in love,
A thousand women cannot near compare
To her the object of thy affections.
Yea, thou wouldst know what pleasures infinite
Attend upon her every move, her glance,
Her laugh, her sigh—what endless purgatory
Doth lie within the pauses ’twixt her words!
Thy love would hold for thee a boundless store
Of treasures to delight thy enthralled mind!
“A wench a second!” Nay, a love a lifetime!
(ROSALINE is visibly moved.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 101

ROSALINE.I, um…thou feel’st this way about some maid?

Thou art not looking…simply to get laid?
ROMEO.Ay, by my troth, I do!
ROSALINE.O… O damn, I… Thou art sincere…
BENVOLIO. (Looking offstage:) By my head, here comes ferocious
Tybalt!
MERCUTIO.By my heel, I care not.
(TYBALT enters.)
TYBALT.Gentlemen, good-den.
MERCUTIO.Tybalt, what dost thou want, thou ratcatcher?
TYBALT.To catch that loathsome rat beside you, sir.
Benvolio, the hate I bear thee can afford
No better term than this—thou art a villain.
BENVOLIO.Well, nobody’s perfect. I have to go!
TYBALT.Wilt thou take flight again? Hast thou no pride?
BENVOLIO.Ay, pride I have, but principle comes first!
I will not take up arms howe’er I thirst
To duel with thee. Peace must come between
Our noble houses. Thou hast seen the prince’s mien—
He’ll not endure our feud. Truce he commands,
And I obey my sovereign lord in his demands.
(BENVOLIO turns to leave.)
TYBALT.No lord on earth can make my hatred cease,
Nor force me to excuse the injuries
That thou hast done me; therefore turn and draw.
ROMEO.Tybalt, Benvolio is no fighter.
What satisfaction canst thou here obtain
By unjust slaughter of a weaker man?
MERCUTIO.Ay, ’tis not a fair fight, dickweed!
TYBALT.I don’t care if it’s fair, I just want him to die!
ROSALINE.Please, I beg thee, do not fight! For my sake!
TYBALT.For thy sake? Just who the hell are you?
ROSALINE.I, uh… I’m Wendell.
TYBALT.Well, can it, Wendell! This concerns thee not!
BENVOLIO.Whoa, whoa, can’t we talk this out?
102 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

TYBALT.We’ll talk when you’re dead!

(TYBALT lunges at BENVOLIO; the two fight for a moment.)
ROMEO.(To audience:) Pray, gentle audience, what should I do?
I must take action or Benvolio
May well be killed before my very eyes!
Enragèd as I am by Tybalt’s assery,
I long to draw my sword and fight in place
Of hapless Benvolio—but Rosaline,
Fair sister to Tybalt, would be aggrieved
Were she to learn that I and Tybalt brawled.
If he were hurt, how could she forgive me?
Perchance I could run in to stop this fight,
Beat down their swords, and talk some sense to them.
But it is safe to leave Tybalt unchecked?
Tell me, dear friends, which option shall it be?
Shall I, for Ros’line’s sake, break up the fight?
Or, for my poor friend’s sake, fight in his stead?
If you’d like me to break up the fight for Rosaline’s sake, please raise
your hands now.
(Give audience time to vote.)
If you’d like me to fight for Benvolio’s sake, please raise your hands
now.
(Audience votes. Vote for ROMEO fighting in BENVOLIO’s place
leads to Act III (RD), Scene 1 on page 103; vote for stopping the
fight leads to Act III (RL), Scene 1 on page 127.)
 Act III (RD)

Act III (RD), Scene 1

(Continues from Act II (R), Scene 4.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. My coz needs help.
Then I must trust my lady to forgive
This brawl, and pray it prove not too violent.
(To TYBALT:)
O Tybalt, if thou dost seek to clash swords
With Montague, then look no further.
I claim my cousin’s battle for mine own.
TYBALT.Wretched boy, I am for you!
(ROMEO and TYBALT fight.)
ROSALINE. (Aside:) O God! What shall I do?! This fight cannot but
end in tragedy!
(TYBALT gains the upper hand.)
BENVOLIO.I can’t look!
(TYBALT disarms ROMEO.)
MERCUTIO.(To BENVOLIO:) O calm, dishonorable, vile submission!
Wilt thou, Benvolio, let noble Romeo die in thy stead?! Hold, Tybalt!
Thou hast won!
TYBALT.Art thou prepared to die, thou vile slave?
(ROSALINE casts off her disguise and leaps in between them.)
ROSALINE.No, brother, stop! Put up thy sword! If thou takest this
man’s life, thou takest mine as well! I love him.
TYBALT.Rosaline?
BENVOLIO. (Aside:) Shall I let such opportunity pass to save my
kin? (To TYBALT:) Hateful villain, bleed out thy black blood!
(BENVOLIO stabs TYBALT. TYBALT falls. ROSALINE falls to
his side.)
ROSALINE.Tybalt! Brother!
TYBALT.O, I am hurt! I am sped!
ROMEO.Benvolio, what wast thou thinking?!
BENVOLIO.Tybalt meant to kill thee! And Mercutio said—
MERCUTIO.I did not mean that thou shouldst stab him in the back!

103
104 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

BENVOLIO.I stabbed him in the front!

ROMEO.Benvolio, away, be gone!
The citizens are up, and Tybalt slain.
Stand not amazed: the prince will doom thee death
If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!
MERCUTIO.Come, we must find thee some hasty escape from this
city.
BENVOLIO.O, I am fortune’s fool!
(BENVOLIO flees with MERCUTIO. ROMEO goes to ROSA-
LINE, who is mourning over TYBALT.)
ROMEO.Rosaline? My love, I—
ROSALINE. Darest thou to speak of love, vile Montague?! My
brother slain, my skirts painted in my own kin’s blood, and thou
darest speak of love?! Get thee from my sight! Follow thy cousin into
exile for all I care! For thou shalt never see me again!
ROMEO.Rosaline, please—
ROSALINE.Why dost thou stay?! Get thee gone! Go! Leave me!
ROMEO.(Aside:) If she will have me gone, I must be gone.
I fear there will be no recovering
From what proved to be a final fatal fray.
For her forgiveness, I can only pray.
(Exeunt.)

Act III (RD), Scene 2

(A public place. ROMEO is sulking. MERCUTIO enters.)

MERCUTIO.There thou art! I’ve been looking all over for you!
ROMEO.Ay, here I am, that am not what I was—
Fallen, no more a lover soaring high,
But wrecked, a broken Icarus. O Tybalt,
Cruel sun, no wings can bear thy shafts of hate!
Although thou art dead, thy corpse in the sky lingers.
It gives no light, but casts a shadow,
A blight funereal, that chokes new buds
And starves the verdant earth! Thou heartless villain!
Was this thy wish? To slumber pallid in thy grave,
The world ash-gray as thy worm-eaten cheeks?
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 105

MERCUTIO.Ah, I see thou art at the point of despair.

Wherefore did I not look there for thee sooner?
Well, friend, I spot some cheer in thy lament.
Thou said thou art not what thou wast,
But happ’ly thou art what thou always art—
Really depressed as shit about something!
ROMEO.Happ’ly indeed! Tremendous comfort that,
When Tybalt’s scorching rage, his cold remains,
Have slain my spring; now black from frost and fire!
MERCUTIO.Winter holds patient bulbs and dormant branches,
That soon erupt afresh, and spring springs forth
In stronger bloom than many springs sprung past.
ROMEO.Perennial optimist! Not every shoot
Survives the season! There’s no hope—
My bloom is annual, and its year is run.
MERCUTIO.Sad sprout, let’s leave the plants. Listen you to me,
And I shall show thy troubles to be trifles.
ROMEO.Merely trifles?! >>
MERCUTIO.<< Princess, they are but peas!
ROMEO.Sanguine silliness! I have three p’s for thee:
Tybalt perished, Benvolio parted, Rosaline pissed!
MERCUTIO.Your sweet pea can be appeased,
Our dear Benvolio can be recalled,
And as for Tybalt, fuck ’im.
ROMEO.“Fuck ’im”?
MERCUTIO.Yeah. Fuck ’im.
Mad Tybalt would have slain Benvolio,
Had he the rabid scoundrel had his way.
ROMEO.Still, Ros’line shan’t forgive me for his death!
MERCUTIO.Why not? You wanted to defend your coz
From him that would your feeble cousin slay.
To this Ros’line was witness; surely she
May yet forgive thee if thou speak’st to her!
ROMEO.But ’tis too late! By now she’s quit Verona.
MERCUTIO.Nay!
I overheard it said she leaves tonight!
ROMEO.Then there is time! I’ll speak to her at once!
(JULIET enters.)
106 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

JULIET.God give god-den! Art thou Romeo by name?

MERCUTIO.Ay, he’s Romeo by name, Ros’line by occupation.
ROMEO.(To MERCUTIO:) Ass.
( To JULIET:) Yes, I am Romeo. I seem to know
Thy face from Capel’s feast. What is thy name?
JULIET.They call me Lady Juliet, dear stranger—
By virtue of my secret marriage vows,
I am thy cousin and a Montague.
Compelled by sad events, I must invoke
The fresh-forged bonds of blood that we now share,
And desperately beg thee for thy aid!
ROMEO.So thou art wife to Benvolio!
MERCUTIO.I know, right? Way too hot for him.
ROMEO.Mercutio, not now!
Poor dove, tell me what help I can bestow.
JULIET.O, heavy plight! I love my lord with all
My heart and so I weep and weep and weep
For his cruel exile! Yet my father knows not
Of this, our closet contract, and thinks
These oceans spilled for Tybalt’s death. Alas,
I’ve learned my father plans to “cheer” my woe
By wedding me to Paris Thursday next!
MERCUTIO. By my troth, for thy sake, I would just go for it. My
cousin, Paris, is a tool, but so is thy current husband. And at least the
county be not in exile, nor a hated enemy of thy kin.
JULIET.How dare thee! I love not Paris; I love Benvolio!
MERCUTIO.I mean, alright, but you’ve known him for what? A day?
JULIET.A DAY AND A HALF, AND OUR LOVE IS REAL!
MERCUTIO.Okay, okay! Your love is real! Fine!
JULIET.DAMN STRAIGHT. Anyway…
To forestall this, my unhappy fate,
I shall drink off the contents of this vial,
To appear in likeness of shrunken death.
I shall continue in this state for
Enough time my parents think me sped
And bear me to that selfsame ancient vault,
Where all my kindred Capulets lie.
In the meantime, against I shall awake,
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 107

Must my lord hear of this plan and come

To bear me hence to Mantua by night!
ROMEO.To speak thy drift: then one of us must hence
To my cousin, and acquaint him of thy scheme?
JULIET.Ay, please, sweet sir, thou art my only hope!
ROMEO.Well, get thee home. I swear to see it done.
JULIET.O thank you! A thousand times thank you!
(JULIET embraces ROMEO. They pause, look at each other, look
at the audience, and then shrug. JULIET exits.)
MERCUTIO.Uh, Romeo, hast thou forgot thy beloved Rosaline? She
leaves for the convent this very night! Thou hast not time to venture
thither to Mantua and hither again to Verona and also to speak to her.
I mean, perhaps thither. Or maybe just hither. But certainly not both!
ROMEO.Thou art correct that I cannot do both.
But note, we have not one of us, but two!
MERCUTIO.Good point. But which errand shall I perform?
ROMEO.Pray, gentle audience, what should I do?
Both errands are of serious import.
And though Mercutio hath good intentions,
I know that he can eas’ly get distracted—
MERCUTIO.O my God, air has a taste!
ROMEO.—And he might very well botch up his task.
If I should dispatch him to Rosaline,
I risk her loss forever. But if
He fails to fetch my coz for Juliet,
Those consequences may most dire prove.
O audience, I prithee, tell me true,
Shall I entrust Mercutio to stall
My love or send him to Benvolio?
If you’d like me to go after Benvolio and to send Mercutio to Rosa-
line on my behalf, please raise your hands now.
(Give audience time to vote.)
If you’d like me to go after Rosaline and to send Mercutio to find
Benvolio, please raise your hands now.
(Audience votes; vote for sending MERCUTIO after ROSALINE
leads to Act IV (RDA), Scene 1 on page 109; vote for sending
MERCUTIO after BENVOLIO, Act IV (RDB), Scene 1 on page
119.)
 Act IV (RDA)

Act IV (RDA), Scene 1

(Continues from Act III (RD), Scene 2.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. ’Twould be an act
Of madness to dispatch my flighty friend
To seek my coz and bring him back in time.
I gave my promise to fair Juliet
That I should aid her in her dreadful plight,
And now I must prove true. Farewell consequence!
Mercutio, I must rely on thee
To win my lady’s heart this night, or else,
I fear, she’ll quit this town, and me with it.
MERCUTIO.Fear not, my friend! Just leave that task to me,
And, with Ros’line, I’ll work swift remedy!
ROMEO.Please don’t fuck this up.
MERCUTIO.I can’t promise anything.
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RDA), Scene 2

(Outside ROSALINE’s house. MERCUTIO enters.)

MERCUTIO.Rosaline! Hey, Rosaline!
(ROSALINE enters on balcony.)
ROSALINE.Is that you who calls me, villian Montague?
MERCUTIO.Lady, ’tis I, his friend Mercutio.
I’m here to win you back for Romeo,
To share with you his deep, profound regret
About the tragic fate of sweet Tybalt.
ROSALINE. O joy, it’s Cap’n Wench-a-Minute. Why are you here?
Romeo could not come and speak his mind to me? Wherefore sends
he his pet clown instead?
MERCUTIO. Pet clown! You harpy, I’ll show you a—er, I mean,
there be a good reason for that, thou darling woman.
ROSALINE.Ay?
MERCUTIO. Ay, he had to… um… hmm… Well, he hath some
important task to which he must attend, but it escapeth me at the
moment…

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110 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

ROSALINE.Thou canst not even remember why he sent thee in his

place?!
MERCUTIO. The trouble is, I only kinda half-listen when other
people talk. But I know that it shall come to me…
ROSALINE.What an imbecile!
MERCUTIO.It shall come to me, I say! Just let me think a moment.
ROSALINE. If we have to wait for you to think, we might be here
all day!
MERCUTIO.So? Art thou in some kind of hurry?
ROSALINE.Ay! I must quit this town for the convent tonight!
MERCUTIO.Right, right. That’s right. And I’m here…?
ROSALINE.To stop me!
MERCUTIO.Right!
ROSALINE.My god! How little must fickle Romeo care for me, that
he would entrust this task to thee!
MERCUTIO. Thou need’st not take that tone with me, I’m caught
up now!
ROSALINE.I’m glad thou hadst learned from me, since I’ve learned
naught from thee!
MERCUTIO.If thou wish’st to learn, take note—thy Romeo loveth
thee more than thou canst know. Thou shouldst forgive him for thy
brother’s death.
ROSALINE. I note thou lackest the wisdom to teach, for wert thou
wise, thou wouldst already know I cannot pardon him for that un-
pardonable crime!
MERCUTIO.Cruel judge! Hast thou no mercy?
ROSALINE.No mercy for men; their nature doth not warrant it.
MERCUTIO. Naturally, I disagree. What fault hath Romeo, who
dared defend his kin?
ROSALINE.That fault that’s in them all—faithlessness.
MERCUTIO.Thou trustest him not—’tis thou that hast no faith!
ROSALINE.Well, tonight I go to find religion.
MERCUTIO.Thou searchest in vain! No god worth his salt would
have truck with thee, thou stubborn mule!
ROSALINE.Thinkest thou shalt move this mule by abusing it?!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 111

MERCUTIO.Well, why not try the stick! The damned thing clearly
hath no taste for carrots!
ROSALINE. I’d accept no food from the likes of thee—’twould slay
whoever tastes of it!
MERCUTIO. I tell thee, right now, poisoning thee doth seem
awfully tempting. My God, whate’er men are, I’m glad not all
women take after thee!
ROSALINE.Ay, for then what woman would give thee time of day?
MERCUTIO. Why, any maid with a watch! I’ll get the time, and
then I’ll get some ass.
ROSALINE. Please! Thy only hope’s to prey on them too dumb to
know their heads from their asses and their asses from their men!
MERCUTIO. O man! Retract thy head from thy ass and listen to
sense, you sulfur-spewing dugong!
ROSALINE.I’ll not listen to another word! Lord, I hate thee!
MERCUTIO.Thou hatest me?
ROSALINE. Ay, I hate thee more than foxes hate the hounds that
hunt them day and night!
MERCUTIO. Well, I hate thee more than bats hate the sun that
drives them from their roosts!
ROSALINE. I hate thee more than worms hate the birds that tear
them from the ground!
MERCUTIO. I hate thee more than…donkeys…hate bigger don-
keys…who pick on them.
ROSALINE.What?!
MERCUTIO.We were running out of animals!
ROSALINE.And that was the best thou couldst do?!
MERCUTIO.I’m usually wittier than this, but I’m kind of aroused
right now!
ROSALINE.Me too!
(Pause.)
MERCUTIO.…O.
ROSALINE.…O.
(MERCUTIO and ROSALINE make out.)
(Exeunt.)
112 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Act IV (RDA), Scene 3

(Mantua. A street. ROMEO enters.)

ROMEO.Benvolio! Benvolio! O coz!
O frightened shadow! Quivering exile!
In vain have I searched out all Mantua!
Benvolio is nowhere to be found.
Methinks this cannot be but ill omen.
Alas, my journey hither was delayed
When I was stopped in neighb’ring city,
Where the infectious pestilence did reign.
The searchers of that town did halt me at
Its gates, and then refused to let me forth,
For fear of spreading plague. O costly delay!
What if I cannot find my coz in time?
(NURSE enters.)
ROMEO.What’s this!
I know this servant to the Capulets!
What ho, O nurse, good gentlewoman! Come. (Motioning her to him:)
Pray tell, why art thou here in Mantua?
NURSE. O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day! I know thee for
Romeo, cousin to Benvolio! And so I shall reveal my awful charge!
For, as thou must know, my lady Juliet was wife to your cousin. But
after his exile, and the threat of being married to that sex-bomb of
a county, my lady hath taken her own life! To Mantua I journeyed
hence to make these events known to her secret husband. But I fear
he took the news most poorly. O woeful day, O woeful day!
ROMEO.Stop that! What sayest thou?! You told him that his angel
wife lay dead?!
NURSE. Ay, I told him he would never believe how dead she was!
So very dead! So very, very completely dead that he might as well
kill himself, too!
ROMEO.You told him to kill himself?!
NURSE.Well, I was only joking! But then he called for an apothecary
and bought from him a vial of most deadly poison. And then I told
him that if he did mean to kill himself, he might as well go and do it
at our tomb since that seemed like a fitting place… At any rate, I was
only joking about all that, too. But then he sped off, screaming to
the night something about defying the stars, and I thought… well,
maybe doesn’t know a joke when he hears one.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 113

ROMEO.And thou still didst not stop him or call him back?!
NURSE. You know, I thought about it. But then, I was pretty tired
from all that talking.
ROMEO.Unhappy fortune! This doth not bode well!
Now must I to the monument alone
To save my coz before he takes his life!
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RDA), Scene 4

(Inside a tomb belonging to the Capulets. JULIET is laid out.

BENVOLIO is with her.)
BENVOLIO.O, Juliet, my love, thou art deceased,
And thou didst make me swear to take my life
If e’er the stars wrenched thee away from me!
I’m not afraid, per se, to keep this pledge—
It’s just that I have much to live for.
Pubescence hath just struck. I am but young…
And to kill myself would be a sin…
Besides, this poison smells funny. I like not
The look of it. And yet, I did promise.
O fine, let it be done and over with! (Drinks poison.)
Lord, that tasteth terrible! Well, I hope Juliet doth appreciate— (Dies.)
JULIET.Where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is Benvolio?
What’s here? A cup, closed in my true love’s hand?
He must have thought me dead and killed himself!
I hope that he read out the death poem
I penned for him before he met his end!
ROMEO.(From offstage:) Benvolio, wait! Wait, thy wife lives!
JULIET. Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! (Snatching
BENVOLIO’s dagger.)
(ROMEO enters.)
ROMEO.No, Juliet, please stay thy desp’rate hand!
JULIET.My would-be savior, I see you failed
To reach my lord in time, for ’tis quite clear
He knew not of our plot! What agony!
114 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

ROMEO.I know thou art upset, but here’s a thought—

Why don’t we drop the knife and chat a bit?
JULIET.Prithee, what use is that? Why should I live?
Be not so long to speak; I long to die!
ROMEO.Because Benvolio is dead?
JULIET.Ay!
My love is gone; thus I must follow!
ROMEO.Ay, a natural sentiment! But thou art aware thy lover was
Benvolio? Killing thyself for love, sweet Juliet, I should not question;
killing thyself for Benvolio’s love… To be sure, I mourn his loss—he
was my cousin, after all. But I have to love him. Thou art under no
such obligation.
JULIET.No obligation occasioned my love!
I loved him for his wond’rous qualities!
ROMEO.Name one.
JULIET.I… Uh oh.
ROMEO.See?
JULIET.O heavens… Now methinks I never knew what I did love
about him…
ROMEO.’Tis no surprise—thou wert in love with love;
You rushed to wed a man you did not know.
Thou dost not need to slay thyself for him.
JULIET.If thou art right… and I was not in love
With thy late coz, false love can pass for true.
For truly, Romeo, I thought myself in love.
But if one can be so deceived, then one
Can ne’er be sure the love one feels is real.
And if one can’t be sure, one can’t resolve
To die for them one loves. And if one can
Ne’er die for love, what reason’s there to live?!
ROMEO.’Tis true if there’s no love worth dying for,
Then ’twould be better not to have been born.
But just because thou didst not find that love
With poor Benvolio doth not preclude
That thou mightst find true love someday,
True as the love I feel for Rosaline.
JULIET.O, tell me, Romeo, about true love!
What dost thou love about my cousin Roz?
ROMEO.O, where to begin! She’s…
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 115

JULIET.… Yes?
ROMEO.Uh oh.
JULIET.Don’t tell me you don’t know why!
ROMEO.I, uh… I have no idea.
JULIET.For the love of God!
ROMEO.This cannot be! Did I never stop to think…?
JULIET. O, Romeo, we are the same! We’re doomed! True love is
naught but self-delusion!
ROMEO.Nay, ’tis not as hopeless as all that. It’s as I said—
JULIET.Mayhap you’re right—
ROMEO.We ’ve not yet found—
ROMEO & JULIET.Our soul-mate.
ROMEO.Unison!
JULIET.My God!
Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!
For I ne’er saw true beauty— >>
ROMEO & JULIET.(Unison:) << Till this night.
ROMEO.Double unison! We are soul-mates!
JULIET.O, Romeo, it’s clear that we must wed!
ROMEO.Ay, ay, my love, I’ll marry you post-haste!
(MERCUTIO and ROSALINE enter.)
MERCUTIO. Hey guys, how’s the plan going? Where’s Benvoli—
(Notices BENVOLIO:)—oooh. Damn.
JULIET.Yeah, we’re all heartbroken about that.
ROMEO. Rosaline! I did not expect this… Mercutio did win thee
over with my suit?
ROSALINE.Well, about that, Romeo… I’m sure thou hast plenty of
admirable qualities, but thou didst play a hand in felling my only
brother right in front of me, and Mercutio and I got to talking…
MERCUTIO. And we’re getting married tomorrow. Sorry, man. I
didn’t see that one coming either.
ROMEO.O! Wow. Really? Well, that works out pretty well actually.
Juliet and I just got engaged.
116 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

ROSALINE.You just proposed to my thirteen-year-old cousin with

the body of her dead husband out right there in thy line of sight?
ROMEO.Ay, and she said yes!
MERCUTIO.So everyone is happy!
ROSALINE. I mean, are we completely sure that Benvolio is dead?
Did anyone even bother to check a pulse?
ROMEO.I would assume he’s dead. Let’s all elope and get married!
BENVOLIO. I’m actually not quite dead. I’ve been blacking in and
out over here… I think if someone could get a surgeon, I might
recover…
JULIET.Eloping is a great idea!
ROSALINE. Um, guys, I’m pretty sure Benvolio is still alive… I
think we’d really better get him a doctor…
MERCUTIO.And so we shall! Right after our weddings in Mantua!
(MERCUTIO exits with ROSALINE.)
BENVOLIO.I don’t think I’m going to live that long…
ROMEO.A blooming peace this morning with it brings;
JULIET.The sun, with joy, doth proudly lift his head:
BENVOLIO.Seriously, guys, if you could just snag a surgeon…
ROMEO.Go hence, to have more talk of these glad things;
JULIET.All shall be pardon’d—
BENVOLIO.I think I’m bleeding internally…
JULIET.And none punished:
ROMEO.For never was a story of less woe…
ROMEO & JULIET.Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
(ROMEO and JULIET exit.)
BENVOLIO. Hey, guys? Guys, you’re coming back, right? …Right?
…Hello?
(Exeunt.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 117

Act V (RDA), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
Two pairs of would-be lovers meet and court
Until the coruscating stars bring woes
That shake their fragile love and all plans thwart.
Two die, three find new love in first love’s stead,
And four take flight to ’scape their parent’s rage,
So, undisturbed, they may in safety wed—
Events that were the traffic of our stage.
Thou hast seen the ending thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
 Act IV (RDB)

Act IV (RDB), Scene 1

(Continues from Act III (RD), Scene 2.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. ’Twould be an act
Of madness to dispatch my flighty friend
To speak on my behalf to Rosaline.
Nay, I must go to her and spill my heart.
Mercutio, I must rely on thee
To seek my coz and bring him back in time,
Lest Juliet be trapped inside her tomb,
Or worse, Benvolio hear false report
Of his love’s death and take some action rash.
MERCUTIO.Fear not, my friend! Just leave that task to me,
And, with thy coz, I’ll work swift remedy!
ROMEO.Please don’t fuck this up.
MERCUTIO.I can’t promise anything.
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RDB), Scene 2

(Outside ROSALINE’s house. ROMEO enters.)

ROMEO.Rosaline! O my fair Rosaline!
(ROSALINE enters, above on balcony.)
ROSALINE.Is that you who calls me, thou murd’rous wretch?
ROMEO.I normally wouldn’t answer to that, but yes, ’tis I!
ROSALINE.What dost thou want from me, villain Montague?
ROMEO.I beg thee, love, to grant me audience,
Hearken my pleas, behold my tear-stained cheeks,
Take pity, and forgive what I have done!
ROSALINE. I have no patience for thy honeyed words! Thy siren-
song once o’ermastered my reason, but this time, I will not be moved.
ROMEO.Indeed, my love, it is my fondest wish
That you not move at all; ’stead bind thyself
Against the mast, unstop thy ears, and listen!
ROSALINE.I think thou wouldst better play the part of Odysseus—
thou art the greater liar!

119
120 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

ROMEO.What lie have I e’er told thee, pray?!

ROSALINE. Thou didst swear thou lovest me! Wert this true, thou
wouldst not have drawn thy sword against my flesh and blood!
ROMEO.I drew not to draw blood, but to defend
My cousin, who, though lame, is dear to me,
And to disarm that wreakful, raging Tybalt,
Who fervent wished to see my kinsman slain!
ROSALINE.Yet ’twas your cousin who slew him!
ROMEO.My cousin struck from fear I might be killed!
My love, how canst thou place the blame on us?
Thou know’st we only fought to save our lives!
I didn’t intend to do him injury!
ROSALINE. Well, thy intentions aren’t worth donkey-squat. The
fact is that he’s dead.
ROMEO.My love, could we have acted otherwise?!
ROSALINE.Nay, mayhap not… But it doth not matter.
ROMEO.How canst thou say it doth not matter?
ROSALINE.Dost thou wonder? ’Tis not hard to speak.
ROMEO.Then speak to me some words of forgiveness!
Rosaline, I love thee all my soul.
I beg of thee, forget my part in this.
My love, please—I will die if thou dost not!
ROSALINE.No. It’s over, Montague. Sweet siren, get thee gone.
ROMEO.I’ll go.
I’m out of songs. I cannot change thy mind.
O would I could! Thy verdict is a sentence
Pronounced upon my life that doometh me
To walk alone a barren earth that’s drained
Of all its charm. No heat, no light, no love,
Just des’late rock that, like thy grim resolve,
Doth jealously withhold all sust’nance from
The wretched forms that scour its sands for feed.
But ere I face this fate, a moment let
Me feel thy warmth, for I’ll ne’er feel it hence.
O Rosaline, this modest mercy grant—
I beg thee, love, I have to hold thee once.
(ROSALINE comes down from balcony. ROMEO approaches
ROSALINE and tries to hold her; she resists a bit but gradually
sinks into his arms.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 121

ROSALINE.You hurt me. I swore I would not let it happen, but it did.
ROMEO.’Twas never my intent, my dear, I swear!
If only thou wilt grant me one more chance!
ROSALINE. Wherefore should I give thee another chance? If we
continue on this path together, there is no help for it, but thou shalt
find some way to hurt me again.
ROMEO.O Rosaline, must thou insist upon
This living death?! Thou wilt at times feel hurt,
But that’s the price of any love worth feeling!
I love thee. Let me try to make thee happy!
I swear I will succeed! At least most of the time.
ROSALINE.So thou sayest. But canst thou prove it?
ROMEO.I can prove it if thou lett’st me kiss thee.
ROSALINE.And but one kiss? That is thy proof?
ROMEO.May I try?
ROSALINE.Well…okay, but I don’t think—
(ROMEO kisses ROSALINE.)
ROSALINE.O.
ROMEO.Doth my proof prove true?
ROSALINE.Well, I… I… Boy, you’re pretty good at that.
ROMEO.I’ll take that as a yes.
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RDB), Scene 3

(Verona, a public place. MERCUTIO is talking to a LADY.)

MERCUTIO.So, anyway, Bianca—is that what you said your name
was?
LADY.Nay, it’s—
MERCUTIO.Anyway, the prince comes in—did I mention he’s my
kinsman?—the prince comes in, his countenance afire with rage,
and he turns to me, and says, “Mercutio! Didst thou put laxative
in every pudding at my feast?!” And I replied: “Nay, nay, not every
pudding, my sovereign lord—I left it out of mine!”
LADY.(Laughing:) Mercutio, thou art a charming rogue!
122 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO.(Laughing along:) Yeah, I know!

(ROMEO and ROSALINE enter.)
ROMEO.Mercutio!
MERCUTIO. Ah, what ho, Romeo! I see thou didst succeed in thy
mission!
ROSALINE.Ay, he did—and thou in thine?
MERCUTIO. I dunno, it’s too early to tell with this chick. I mean,
I’ve only been at this for ten minutes or so.
ROMEO. Not that! She meant, didst thou remember to hie thee to
Mantua and speak to Benvolio?
MERCUTIO.Well, of course I—O SHIT!
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RDB), Scene 4

(Capulet’s tomb. JULIET is laid out. BENVOLIO is with her.)

BENVOLIO.O, Juliet, my love, thou art deceased,
And thou didst make me swear to take my life
If e’er the stars wrenched thee away from me!
I’m not afraid, per se, to keep this pledge—
It’s just that I have much to live for.
Pubescence hath just struck. I am but young…
And to kill myself would be a sin…
Besides, this poison smells funny. I like not
The look of it. And yet, I did promise.
O fine, let it be done and over with! (Drinks poison.)
Lord, that tasteth terrible! Well, I hope Juliet doth appreciate—(Dies.)
JULIET.Where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is Benvolio?
What’s here? A cup, closed in my true love’s hand?
He must have thought me dead and killed himself!
I hope that he read out the death poem
I penned for him before he met his end!
MERCUTIO.(From offstage:) O SHIT, O SHIT, O SHIT, O SHIT!
ROMEO.(From offstage:) Benvolio, wait!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 123

ROSALINE.(From offstage, overlapping ROMEO’s last line:) Hold, Juliet!

MERCUTIO.(From offstage:) O SHIT, SHE’S NOT DEAD! O SHIT, I
FORGOT TO TELL THEE SHE’S NOT DEAD!
JULIET. Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! (Snatching
BENVOLIO’s dagger.) This is thy sheath; (Stabs herself:) there rust, and
let me die.
(ROMEO, ROSALINE, MERCUTIO enter. JULIET falls on
BENVOLIO’s body and dies.)
ROSALINE.Juliet!
ROMEO.Benvolio!
MERCUTIO.…O shit.
ROSALINE.You. Imbecile! What hast thou to say for thyself?!
MERCUTIO.Um… One death’s a tragedy, two is a statistic?
ROMEO.Mercutio!
(MONTAGUE and CAPULET enter.)
MONTAGUE.What misadventure is so early up,
That calls our person from our morning’s rest?
ROMEO.Father! Lord Capulet!
CAPULET.Indeed! We arbitrarily heard there
Might be some commotion here right now! (Spotting JULIET:)
O heavens! O help, look how my daughter bleeds!
MONTAGUE.O thou untaught! What manners is in this?
To press before thy uncle to a grave?
Speak, my son—why standest thou in silence?
Do say at once what thou dost know in this.
ROMEO.O father mine, these two were deep in love—
They courted secretly and secret wed.
CAPULET.Can this be true?!
ROSALINE. Ay, mine uncle! Juliet loved that Montague, but thou
didst force the County Paris upon her! To ’scape that horrid fate,
she drank a distilled liquor that effects a semblance of death. Her
love was to retrieve her from our tomb, but he ne’er learned of this
plan—(To MERCUTIO:) because SOMEONE IS A MORON—(Back to
CAPULET:) hence he thought her dead, and slew himself; she woke
and thereat did the same.
CAPULET.Woe, woe! What woe bestrides my heavy soul!
O brother Montague, give me thy hand:
124 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

This is my daughter’s jointure, for no more

Can I demand. >>
MONTAGUE.<< But I can give thee more:
For I will raise her statue in pure gold;
That while Verona by that name is known,
There shall no figure at such rate be set
As that of true and faithful Juliet.
CAPULET.As rich shall Benvolio’s by his lady’s lie;
Poor sacrifices of our enmity!
MERCUTIO.I know! A different sacrifice from ye
Might best do justice to their memory!
You know it not, but Romeo and Ros’line here
Are deep in love, though tell you not from fear
That your proud, boundless hate will bar the way
And block your ears however plead they may.
If you allow their marriage in post-haste,
You might atone for th’ lives your feud erased.
MONTAGUE.O happy news! Ay, ay, this I permit—
Nay, urge, with all my heart! Let this be done!
CAPULET.Yea, I as well dare not object to this;
I swear I shall prevail upon thy father,
Niece Rosaline, and shortly shall thee wed!
ROMEO.Father, thank thee!
ROSALINE.(Line almost on top of ROMEO’s:) Thank you, uncle!
MERCUTIO.Yeah, I did it! I’m one for two!
(ROMEO and ROSALINE stare at him.)
You’re not over the other thing yet, are you?
ROMEO and ROSALINE.(Unison:) No!
MERCUTIO.Damn.
MONTAGUE.A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
CAPULET.The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
MONTAGUE.Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
CAPULET.Some shall be pardon’d, and some punishèd:
MONTAGUE.Yet I rejoice the day breaks one thing fine—
CAPULET.The love of Romeo and Rosaline.
(Exeunt.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 125

Act V (RDB), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Bring to an end their parents’ ancient strife.
Happ’ly this bitter harvest bears sweet fruit
For Romeo and Rosaline, who wed,
Once grieving fathers grant their children’s suit
To pay respects unto their children dead.
Thou hast seen the ending that thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
 Act III (RL)

Act III (RL), Scene 1

(Continues from Act II (R), Scene 4.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. I must not fight
Tybalt, sole brother to my lady love.
Yea, I must terminate this fight at once!
(BENVOLIO and TYBALT briefly continue fighting; ROMEO
leaps in between them.)
ROMEO.Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage!
Tybalt, Benvolio, the prince expressly hath
Forbidden bandying in Verona streets!
TYBALT.That is no let to me; if you insist,
You foolish boy, on coming ’twixt our blades,
I’ll gladly see thee slashed to bits! En garde!
ROSALINE.No! Hold, I beg thee!
TYBALT.Wendell, I’m getting pretty sick of you.
ROSALINE. (Removing disguise:) ’Tis not Wendell, but Rosaline! I
bid thee, brother, put thy rapier up!
TYBALT.Ros’line! What the hell art thou doing here?!
ROSALINE.I cannot lie to thee; I came to visit Romeo.
MERCUTIO.Clothed in man’s garb? Kinky.
ROSALINE.Shut up!
I came disguised to test his love for me,
And so I did; and now I know he meant
Each tender speech his silver tongue did make.
More, I confess I came to test myself.
And so I did; and now I know I love
Sweet Romeo more than I can describe.
ROMEO.You do?!
ROSALINE.I do, my love, I swear I do!
TYBALT.Say that last part again?
ROSALINE.I swear I do!
TYBALT.The part before?
ROSALINE.I want to marry this guy you hate.
TYBALT.What the fuck?! Really?!
ROSALINE.Really!

127
128 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

BENVOLIO.And there is more! Tybalt, I must confess

That I’m in love with thy coz Juliet,
And she loves me in turn. In sooth, we’re wed.
(JULIET enters and stands with BENVOLIO.)
TYBALT.Wait, wait, last part again?
BENVOLIO.I’m boning your cousin.
TYBALT.What the double fuck?!? What madness! Outrage!
O Juliet, Ros’line, what have you done?
How canst thou claim to love our ancient foe?
You “love” a Montague who bears you none,
Whose flesh must pay the price our hate doth owe.
What foolish, wretched, misbegotten trust
You place in him, how little in your kin.
Your sense is gone, long buried by your lust,
Which you would fain call love to mask your sin.
What countless dangers have we Capulets endured
To ’venge the blows they strike against our pride!
How many kin in early graves interred,
So thou couldst live to mock the way they died?
Shall we hold hands with hands that our blood shed?
Nay, war until that other house be dead!
ROSALINE. But this feud is senseless! I mean, does anyone even
remember what we’re fighting about in the first place?
ROMEO & BENVOLIO.Um…
TYBALT.Um…
MERCUTIO.Wait, seriously. You guys don’t even know?
TYBALT.We know not the specifics. I think ’twas something about
whether sporks are more spoons or more forks. Did that happen, or
did I dream that? Whatever it was, they started it!
ROSALINE. But ’tis within our power to end, if only thou wilt
sheath thy sword!
BENVOLIO.Ay, Tybalt, let’s make peace; we’re cousins now!
Cannot you learn to love… Benvolio?
TYBALT.Never, never, never, never, NEVER!
Speak not of love to me! I hate the word,
As I hate hell, all Montagues, and (To BENVOLIO:) thee.
These foolish feelings will amount to naught!
Thou art going to the convent, Rosaline;
And as for Juliet, we shall annul
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 129

This abom’nable marriage, and she’ll wed

The County Paris as her father planned!
(TYBALT grabs ROSALINE and JULIET.)
Now come with me, girls! I shall take thee home
And keep a watch over thee night and day
So no foul Montagues may interfere!
(TYBALT begins to carry them off.)
ROSALINE.Get off me, you idiot!
ROMEO.Tybalt, let her go!
(ROMEO and BENVOLIO start forward, but TYBALT scares
them back.)
TYBALT.Get thee back, despisèd Montague!
I’ll take her home and then I’ll deal with thee!
(TYBALT leaves with ROSALINE and JULIET.)
MERCUTIO.(To ROMEO:) Why dost thou stand amazed and not
pursue?
Wilt thou just let thy love be carried off?
ROMEO.What can I do? I cannot fight her kin.
BENVOLIO.Yea, thou art right; it is no wit to fight.
What we should do instead is poison him!
ROMEO.What!?
MERCUTIO.Nay, poison is too merciful a death. What we should
do is dig a giant pit, and fill the pit with snakes, and fill the snakes
with bees!
BENVOLIO.How will we get him in the pit?
MERCUTIO. We’ll poison him! And then, when he’s weak, we’ll
throw him in there!
BENVOLIO.Perfect!
ROMEO.What is wrong with you two?!
Fierce Tybalt is the brother of my love
And cousin to thy lady Juliet!
Howe’er we long to get our true loves back,
’Twould be a crime for us to take his life!
MERCUTIO.Then what do you suggest?
ROMEO.Let’s make no plan, but speak first to the girls.
We’ll wait until ’tis dark; at night we’ll leap
The wall and see them by the balcony.
130 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

BENVOLIO.Art thou positive we could not do something safer and

more poison-y?
ROMEO.Benvolio!
BENVOLIO.You’re right, you’re right. … I hate it when he’s right.
(Exeunt.)

Act III (RL), Scene 2

(Outside ROSALINE’s house. MERCUTIO, ROMEO, and

BENVOLIO are trying to attract ROSALINE and JULIET’s
attention.)
ROMEO.(Whispering loudly:) Rosaline, my love!
MERCUTIO.As it turns out, the problem with this plan…
ROMEO.(Whispering even louder:) ROSALINE! JULIET!
MERCUTIO.…Is that they had no idea we were coming.
BENVOLIO.O God, we have to hurry! O God, we’re going to die!
ROMEO.Enough of this! I shall scale the wall and climb into their
room!
BENVOLIO.Nay, nay! That’s too dangerous!
MERCUTIO.How did you guys manage this before?
ROMEO.Most often, they’re already outside…
BENVOLIO.Talking about us loudly.
MERCUTIO.Hmm, tonight we need a different plan…
ROMEO.I know, let’s find some tiny rocks.
MERCUTIO. Ay, brilliant, tiny rocks! And from these tiny rocks
shall we forge a mighty rock fort! And once inside this fortress, we
shall don mustaches and—
ROMEO.What? No! To throw at the window!
MERCUTIO.O, ay, that makes more sense.
(MERCUTIO, ROMEO, and BENVOLIO look around, pick up
pebbles.)
ROMEO.(Chucking pebbles at window:) Rosaline! My dearest Rosaline!
BENVOLIO. (Also chucking pebbles at window:) O Juliet, come out!
With speed, sweet Juliet!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 131

MERCUTIO. (Heaving massive rock that goes through window with a

loud crash:) HEY GIRLS, GET OUT HERE!
JULIET.(From offstage:) OW! MY FACE!
(ROSALINE and JULIET enter onto balcony looking alarmed.
JULIET has been hit in the head.)
MERCUTIO.Yeah, I did it!
ROSALINE.Romeo, is that you?
ROMEO.Yes, ’tis I, my love!
BENVOLIO.And I’m here too, my darling Juliet!
JULIET.Benvolio, I knew that thou wouldst come!
MERCUTIO.And I, Mercutio, am here as well!
JULIET.Yeah. We know.
ROMEO.How fare you two?
ROSALINE.O, not so hot. My brother keeps us trapped
Inside this room and only lets us out
When he is there to watch our every move.
If this keeps up, I might just kill myself.
ROMEO.Odds?
ROSALINE.Now it’s one in two.
ROMEO.One in two?
ROSALINE.One in two. Don’t fuck this up.
JULIET.And I’m afraid that it gets even worse!
Tybalt threatened to reveal to my father
My love for sweet Benvolio unless
I stay within his sight and give consent
To wed the County Paris Thursday next!
BENVOLIO.But I got there first! You’re obligated to love me now!
JULIET.I know, but what am I supposed to do?
My father would kill thee if he knew of us!
ROMEO.O, grave misfortune! What shall we do?
ROSALINE. I see only two choices: either we try to escape from
this city together and never see our families again, or we meet the
problem head-on and endeavor to change their minds.
ROMEO.Pray, gentle audience, what should I do?
If it were poss’ble to persuade Tybalt
To cease these dreadful acts and ’stead permit
132 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Us four to wed, this would be a great boon—

There’d be some hope of ending at long last
The ancient feud between our families.
But he’s so crazed; what if this can’t be done?
Instead we might think of a scheme to free
Our loves from Tybalt’s tyrannical grip.
This too contains some risk—for if perchance
Our plan should fail, bad fortune may result.
Should we try tricking Tybalt to reform,
Or find some means to flee with them in tow?
If you’d like us to try to change Tybalt’s evil ways, please raise your
hands now.
(Give audience time to vote.)
If you’d like us to try to sneak the women out and flee Verona, please
raise your hands now.
(Audience votes; vote for escaping TYBALT leads to Act IV
(RLA), Scene 1 on page 133. Vote for reforming TYBALT leads
to Act IV (RLB), Scene 1 on page 141.)
 Act IV (RLA)

Act IV (RLA), Scene 1

(Continues from Act III (RL), Scene 2.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. That monster Tybalt
Will ne’er consent to see his treasured kin
Wed to foul Montagues. The only course
That I descry is to away from him.
Ros’line, I see no way to bring him ’round.
Here, climb down now and we’ll get thee away.
ROSALINE.Right now? But Tybalt is sure to pursue us!
JULIET.How will he know? It’s now or never.
TYBALT. (Entering:) NEVER! IT’S NEVER! Where do you think
you’re going?
BENVOLIO.O SHIT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (Exits.)
MERCUTIO.And there he goes…
ROMEO.But—
MERCUTIO. Thy coz is right, let’s quit this place for now. We’ll
sneak back when it’s safe.
TYBALT.Who’s there?!
MERCUTIO.Go to hell! There’s no one here!
TYBALT.I find that pretty hard to believe! …But okay.
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RLA), Scene 2

(ROSALINE’s room. ROSALINE, JULIET, and TYBALT are

onstage.)
ROSALINE.Brother, this is intolerable! Must we stay in this wretch-
ed room all day?!
TYBALT.Ay, that you must, until thy coz is wed
And thou art headed for the nunnery!
JULIET.But I don’t want to wed the awful county!
ROSALINE.And I don’t want to be a nun anymore!
TYBALT.O sister mine, my plan is for the best!
The charms of love are fragile, fleeting things

133
134 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Whose natural course it is to fade away.

Dost thou recall that knave Fillipo?
Dost thou recall how I had cautioned thee,
And how, when he did break thy love-drunk heart,
I soothed thy nerves the very best I could?
ROSALINE.You fed him to wolves.
TYBALT.And they loved it. Did not this cheer thee up?
ROSALINE.A little, yeah. But ’tis different with Romeo, brother!
TYBALT.How so? You love him, I’m going to feed him to wolves.
We’re just skipping the part where he betrays you.
ROSALINE.That’s a pretty crucial part.
TYBALT.Fiddle-faddle!
JULIET.But cousin, ’tis—
TYBALT.I said, “FIDDLE-FADDLE!”
ROSALINE.That’s not an argument!
TYBALT.It’s better than an argument, it’s loud!
Now you stay here while I track down your loves.
Know that I’ve posted men outside this door,
So don’t you dare try to hasten off!
ROSALINE.We’ll be right here, eagerly awaiting your return.
JULIET.That’s sarcastic. Right now we hate you.
TYBALT.This is for thy own good! I’ll see thee anon! (Exits.)
ROSALINE.O Juliet, what are we going to do? With Tybalt scouring
the city for Romeo and Benvolio, they’ll have to stay in hiding. ’Twill
be nigh impossible for them to spring us free. Tomorrow you’ll be
married and I’ll be sent away!
JULIET.Fear not, my coz! I have devised a plan!
ROSALINE.What’s this?
JULIET.I visited an herbalist who gave
To me a liquor capable of effecting
A borrowed likeness of shrunken death.
This death-like state continues for some time,
Then one awakes as from a pleasant sleep.
Let’s drink tonight, and when they come to rouse us—
ROSALINE.—they’ll think us dead and bear us to the family vault
where all our kindred Capulets lie! And then our loves may come
and take us hence without anyone pursuing!
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 135

JULIET.Ay, thou hast hit it!

ROSALINE. But wait—one let remains. How shall we tell Romeo
and Benvolio of this?
(MERCUTIO enters in women’s clothing.)
MERCUTIO.Hey girls!
JULIET.Mercutio! Is that you?!
MERCUTIO.Ay, ’tis indeed!
ROSALINE.What art thou wearing?
MERCUTIO.Women’s clothing, ah-doy.
I came in this disguise to speak with thee!
ROSALINE. Mercutio, we’ve just hit upon a plan. Canst thou tell
Romeo and Benvolio that we intend to fake our deaths, and that they
must retrieve us from our family’s tomb?
MERCUTIO.Ah, perfect! I’ll go to them anon!
ROSALINE.Thou wilt remember to do this, right?
MERCUTIO.Yes, of course!
ROSALINE.Because this is really important.
MERCUTIO.I know, I was listening.
ROSALINE. If you were to forget and get caught up in something
else…
MERCUTIO.Yes, yes, death, disaster, blah blah blah.
ROSALINE. It’s just that, you have this reputation for getting
distracted…
MERCUTIO.Please! What do I look like?
ROSALINE. …We need thy help right now, so I’m not going to
answer that.
MERCUTIO.Just trust me; I am the very pinnacle of reliability.
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RLA), Scene 3

(Verona, a public place. MERCUTIO is talking to a LADY.)

MERCUTIO.So, anyway, Bianca—is that what you said your name
was?
136 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

LADY.Nay, it’s—
MERCUTIO.Anyway, the prince comes in—did I mention he’s my
kinsman?—the prince comes in, his countenance afire with rage,
and he turns to me, and says, “Mercutio! Didst thou put laxative
in every pudding at my feast?!” And I replied: “Nay, nay, not every
pudding, my sovereign lord—I left it out of mine!”
LADY.(Laughing:) Mercutio, thou art a charming rogue!
MERCUTIO.(Laughing along:) Yeah, I know!
LADY.So tell me, Mercutio, whatever happened with that plan thou
hadst to reconcile the Montagues and Capulets?
MERCUTIO. Well, as I said, the Capulet women will fake their
deaths, and then the Montagues will free them from the Capulet’s
ancient vault. All I have to do is make sure my friends know of this
scheme ere Thursday morn.
LADY.But…’tis Thursday morn.
MERCUTIO.Right, which is why—O SHIT!!
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RLA), Scene 4

(Inside a tomb belonging to the Capulets. ROSALINE and

JULIET are laid out. ROMEO and BENVOLIO enter.)
BENVOLIO.Dear Juliet! >>
ROMEO.<< My Rosaline, my love!
BENVOLIO.Alas, those dread reports prove all too true!
Our lady loves here lie before us dead!
And not a word from good Mercutio
To offer explanation for our grief!
ROMEO.Is it even so? Then I defy you stars!
BENVOLIO.And so do I!
ROMEO.O, here will I set up my everlasting rest,
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh—
BENVOLIO.Yeah, I’m also going to kill myself!
ROMEO.—Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 137

A dateless bargain to engrossing death!

Here’s to my love! (Drinks poison.) O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die. (Dies.)
BENVOLIO.Wow, that looked really painful… I mean, um… What
he said! (Drinks poison.) That was a terrible decision. (Dies.)
(ROSALINE and JULIET awake.)
JULIET.Where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is Benvolio?
ROSALINE.(Seeing ROMEO:) Romeo? Romeo!
JULIET.What’s here? Two cups, closed in our true loves’ hands?
Poison, I see, hath been their timeless end:
O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop
To help us after?
MERCUTIO.(From offstage:) O SHIT, O SHIT, O SHIT, O SHIT!
JULIET. Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! (Snatching
BENVOLIO’s dagger.)
ROSALINE.Juliet, no!
JULIET.This is thy sheath; (Stabs herself.) there rust, and let me die.
ROSALINE. Cousin, not you too! Alas, how am I to go on now?
I guess I could still become a nun… O fuck it. (Stabs herself with
ROMEO’s dagger.)
MERCUTIO. (Entering:) O shit. Man, I’m bad at stuff… Romeo?
Benvolio? Ladies? Wake up, everyone… Ha, ha, pretending to be
dead, that’s a good one… Ha, ha, ha, okay, joke’s over, you got me…
Guys, come on, you’re creeping me out! …Guys?
(TYBALT enters.)
TYBALT.Mercutio! What is the meaning
Of this commotion in our hallowed tomb?
Dost thou e’en dare to disturb my fallen kin?
MERCUTIO.O, shut up! Thy fallen kin fell by thy own fault, villain!
They desired naught but sweetest love. ’Twas nothing but thy hate
that killed them! Thy hate will be the ruin of us all!
TYBALT.Will not!
MERCUTIO.Will too!
TYBALT.Will not!
MERCUTIO.Will too!
138 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

TYBALT.O yeah?!
(TYBALT stabs MERCUTIO.)
MERCUTIO.OW! What the fuck, man?! That’s totally gonna kill me!
TYBALT.O… I see what you mean.
MERCUTIO.Yeah? Hey, Tybalt, do me a favor and look over there.
TYBALT.(Turning:) Where?
MERCUTIO.(Stabbing TYBALT:) HahaHA! …Why didn’t I think of
that sooner?
TYBALT.O, I am hurt! I am sped!
(TYBALT falls. So does MERCUTIO.)
MERCUTIO.I’ll see thee shortly in hell!
TYBALT. Hell! I hate the word as I hate hell, all Montagues, and
thee…
MERCUTIO.Are there any words you don’t hate?
TYBALT.Ay, there is one… Flurple…
MERCUTIO.Flurple? What the hell is flurple?
TYBALT.’Tis a color!
MERCUTIO.No, it’s not!
TYBALT.’Tis so! I’ll kill you!
MERCUTIO.I’m already dying!
TYBALT.I’ll kill you double!
MERCUTIO.I’ll kill you double! Get over here!
TYBALT.You get over here!
MERCUTIO.No, you get over here!
(They continue to bicker as lights fade out.)
(Exeunt.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 139

Act V (RLA), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
Two pairs of star-cross’d lovers take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
In death further ignite their parents’ strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love,
And the continuance of their parents’ rage,
Which, it doth seem, scarce nothing can remove
Was now the one hour traffic of our stage.
Thou hast seen the ending that thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
 Act IV (RLB)

Act IV (RLB), Scene 1

(Continues from Act III (RL), Scene 2.)

ROMEO.Audience, thou art wise. If Tybalt still
Opposes us, then we are all at risk.
Ros’line, we need to find some means to bring
Thy brother ’round if we’re to have some hope
Of reconciling our two families.
ROSALINE.Yea, I agree. But how shall we accomplish this?
BENVOLIO.We could poison him.
ROMEO.No! Stop that! Any other ideas?
(Everyone shakes their heads.)
…Mercutio?
MERCUTIO. I thought you didn’t like my ideas. O Mercutio, your
mustaches are stupid, O Mercutio, feeding Tybalt to snake-bees is
unethical, O Mercutio, that fire pit is too hot for that badger—
BENVOLIO.I do wish you hadn’t killed that badger.
MERCUTIO.He had it coming!
ROMEO.Please, Mercutio, we need thy help.
MERCUTIO.All right then. In that case, I do have one idea:
Now listen to my awesome, brilliant plan!
This Tybalt is a bitter, angry sort,
Who’s never loved a woman in his life.
Therefore he thinks of nothing but your feud.
But if fierce Tybalt did at last get laid,
He might have far more sympathy for thee—
Especially if she were Montague!
ROMEO.A Montague? For Tybalt?! Who?
MERCUTIO. Thy cousin Carlotta! If you think about it, they’re a
perfect match!
ROMEO.They both have rage issues, I’ll give you that.
MERCUTIO.Indeed. Tonight the prince will throw a ball,
And both of them are sure to come to it.
I will ensure they meet and hit it off!
ROSALINE.But even if Tybalt relented, what of our parents?
MERCUTIO.Lord Montague is a quite mild man
And his approval may be eas’ly gained.

141
142 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

Lord Capulet shall prove the stumbling block—

But do not fear, my friends, for I’ve a way
To make the marriage of Benvolio
And fairest Juliet most pleasing seem.
And once he doth permit those two to wed,
What’s one more marriage with his enemy?
The wedding he has planned for Juliet
And Paris surely will most lavish be,
Since Capulet would not spare an expense,
And many guests will come from far and wide
To fair Verona to see Juliet wed.
So reckon then how chastened he would be
If County Paris does not show that morn!
The ceremony immanent, and
Capulet desp’rate for a groom, he will
Most gladly take thee as a substitute.
JULIET.But why would not the County Paris show?
MERCUTIO.Because someone’s locked him in a shed!
BENVOLIO.And that someone would be… us?
MERCUTIO.Well, he’s not going to wander in there by himself.
BENVOLIO.I don’t know about all this…
MERCUTIO.Dost thou have a better plan?
ROMEO.I mean, this could succeed…
MERCUTIO.Could? Of course it will! Just leave it all to me!
(Exeunt.)

Act IV (RLB), Scene 2

(A church in Verona. JULIET waits at an altar with CAPULET

and ROSALINE.)
CAPULET.Good heavens, how thy groom doth make us wait!
Perchance some accident hath him delayed
From keeping this most solemn appointment!
JULIET.O father, I confess that I do fear the worst!
What if my dear beloved abandons me,
The worthless wretch I am? For ’tis plain truth
That he, the idol of virility,
Doth so excel my meager qualities!
Yea, Paris boasts the glory of a jaw
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 143

So square and chest mantastical as would

Strike down e’en Zeus himself with jealousy!
CAPULET.Nay, nay, my heart! This talk must cease at once.
Paris will come! He must! The ceremony
Today hath almost emptied all my purse!
O Juliet, thou need’st be wed this morn—
I can’t afford this lavishness again!
(ROMEO enters.)
ROMEO.Excuse me, lord, but I could hardly help
But overhear thy grave predicament—
As I stood pressing my ear against the door of the chapel for the past
hour—
And I discern a way to cure your woes.
CAPULET.What is this Montague blathering about?
JULIET.I know not. Let us hear him out, lord father.
ROMEO.Fair Juliet must needs be wed
Without delay, lest you expend your funds
In vain and be the mock of all Verona.
Yet thou no longer hast a willing groom.
CAPULET.All this we know! Speak to the purpose, boy!
ROMEO.My coz Benvolio is lonely, sir,
And looking for a bride—what’s more, I know
He’s had his eye on fairest Juliet.
I think he’d take the county’s place, my lord.
CAPULET.What say you? He is a Montague!
ROMEO.And thy only option, good my lord.
ROSALINE.I think thou wouldst be wise to heed these words.
Good Romeo doth speak most true.
JULIET.I, too, do see the wisdom of his plan!
O, father, wed me to this Montague!
CAPULET.But Juliet, couldst thou bear to be tied to
Benvolio, e’en for thy family’s sake?
JULIET.O I think I could try to bear it…
CAPULET.This is a heavy matter to decide!
Ros’line, thou really think’st this strange course wise?
ROSALINE. Uncle, thou know’st I hate the Montagues with all my
heart. Why, normally I’d throw myself atop this awful man in a fit
144 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

of passionate… um, rage. But this is not a normal situation. Our

family’s wealth and honor are at stake!
CAPULET.Perchance, thou art correct, but—no, I can’t!
I cannot wed her to a Montague!
(TYBALT enters.)
TYBALT.The damn you can’t!
CAPULET.O, nephew! There thou art! Where hast thou been?!
TYBALT. Around the block, uncle. I have been around the block.
And what I found there was a revelation, in the form of a very hot
woman.
CAPULET.A woman! But thou art too full of hate
To know the love of fellow human beings!
TYBALT. This once was true, I must confess. But Carlotta hath
opened my blind eyes to a magical world! A world in which arms
might be used for embracing rather than maiming, lips for kissing
rather than screaming furious expletives to the sky, ropes for kinky
fornication rather than binding my helpless enemies and, for the
slightest offense, hurling their screeching carcasses into the darkest
depths of the briny deep…
CAPULET.But, nephew, that was thy fav’rite pastime!
TYBALT. I know, uncle. I know. But then I tried getting laid. And
what happened then? Well, in Verona they say that Tybalt’s small
heart grew three sizes that day. And then, the true meaning of love
came through, and Tybalt found the strength of ten Tybalts, plus two!
So now methinks there is little reason to perpetuate this silly feud.
CAPULET.Why, Tybalt, this is almost past belief!
Where is this wench, who hath reformed thee?
TYBALT. (Calling offstage:) Carlotta! My love, my hastily-married
wife! (To CAPULET:) My transformation, incredible though it may
seem, will be explained with but one glance at my dainty bride. My
friends, I present to thee—the fairest maiden in all of Verona, my
sweet Carlotta: the true ideal of womanhood!
(MERCUTIO enters in drag.)
MERCUTIO. Methinks I hear my lord’s honey voice! Didst thou
call, Sugar Muscle Buns?
ROSALINE.(Aside, to ROMEO:) The, uh… the true ideal of woman-
hood looks like Mercutio in a wig.
ROMEO.(Aside, to ROSALINE:) That is Mercutio in a wig.
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 145

JULIET.Thou spake truly, noble cousin! What a fair maid!

TYBALT. Ay, my Carlotta is beautiful, but also sweet and hearty,
like an angel wrapped in bacon.
MERCUTIO.O, Honey Buffkins, thy words melt my heart like butter!
TYBALT.And tonight, we spread that butter on the hot bagel of our
love! Yea, how fortunate I was to run into her last night! For you see,
my lord, in the space of one evening, we met, exchanged vows, and
married!
CAPULET.Well, I am happy for thee, but still I fear
My daughter’s wedding to Benvolio.
Tybalt, I must counsel hold with thee.
TYBALT. As thou wishest, uncle, though it doth pain me to leave
Carlotta’s most womanly, voluptuous person, even for a moment.
MERCUTIO. By my troth, thou art making me blush under my
blush! I’ll be right here when thou returnest!
(TYBALT and CAPULET exit. ROMEO, ROSALINE, and
JULIET turn to stare at MERCUTIO.)
O, hey guys…
ROMEO.Mercutio, what the hell art thou doing?
MERCUTIO.Carlotta did not show up…
ROMEO.What?!
MERCUTIO.Carlotta did not show up, so I needed a plan B!
ROMEO.Why is plan B thee in women’s clothing?!
MERCUTIO.It worked, didn’t it?
ROMEO.Define “worked”!
MERCUTIO.Tybalt hath been reformed, just as I promised!
ROMEO.Because you married him! How wilt thou escape him?
MERCUTIO.Well… Romeo, I must confess that though I undertook
this task for thee and approached Tybalt solely with thy good in
mind in time I… In time I learned to love him.
ROMEO.You what?!
MERCUTIO. I’m saying, I’ve got a good thing going here. Don’t
mess this up for me.
JULIET.But…will he not discover that thou art a man?
146 Ann Fraistat & Shawn Fraistat

MERCUTIO.Let’s just say that if he were going to notice, he would

have already.
JULIET.O.
ROSALINE.O…
MERCUTIO.Yeah.
(TYBALT reenters with BENVOLIO.)
TYBALT. The matter is settled; you two may wed! My uncle has
gone to inform the rest of the family, and I have fetched thy groom,
who was waiting fearfully outside! Benvolio… I love you.
BENVOLIO.Um, why thank you.
TYBALT.No, thank you. For the memories.
JULIET.Benvolio, now we can be together,
Free of our parents’ ancient strife at last!
BENVOLIO.O Juliet, I’m so happy!
MERCUTIO.Yay, sweetie-buns, you did it!
TYBALT.Ay, but there is one more matter to resolve. Sister, do you
wish to wed this man?
ROSALINE.Ay, with all my heart.
ROMEO.O, Rosaline!
TYBALT. Then by the power vested in me by my dramatic mood
change, I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the
bride!
(ROMEO and ROSALINE kiss.)
TYBALT.A blooming peace this morning with it brings;
MERCUTIO.The sun, with joy, doth proudly lift his head:
JULIET.Go hence, to have more talk of these glad things;
BENVOLIO.All shall be pardon’d—
ROSALINE.And none punished:
ROMEO.For never was a story of less woe…
ROMEO & ROSALINE.Than this of Ros’line and her Romeo.
(Exeunt.)
 Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending 147

Act V (RLB), Epilogue

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,
Three pairs of star-cross’d lovers meet and wed,
And put an end to both their families’ woes,
So not another drop of blood is shed.
The happy triumph of their troubled love,
And the cessation of their parents’ rage,
Which, but their children wed, naught could remove,
Was now the one hour traffic of our stage;
Thou hast seen the ending that thou hast chose,
But what thou mightst have seen, God only knows.
End of Play