The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) - 2021 edition.

Copyright © 2007 Don Zolidis. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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Cast of Characters

NARRATOR 1 (female—maybe)
NARRATOR 2 (male—maybe)
ACTOR
GIRL
DIRT MERCHANT
RUMPELSTILTSKIN
ENCHANTRESS
THE DEVIL
PRINCE
RAPUNZEL
AUDIENCE MEMBER
HANSEL
GRETEL
WITCH
DWARF 1
DWARF 2
SNOW WHITE
WITCH 2
PRINCE 2
JOHANNES
RAVEN
KING
QUEEN
PLINKIE PLIE
CINDERELLA

How To Cast This Show

Smallest cast: This play could be done with a total of 5 actors. With
a small cast, the narrators become characters in the scenes as
indicated. Everyone should have lots of costumes available.
Largest cast: Every role is played by a different actor. Different
narrators may play the narrator roles in each fairy tale.

5
Casting Notes

Any of the roles may be played by any actor of any gender, race,
or ethnicity. There are some moments, when actors switch roles,
that it might be funnier if Dwarf 2 was played by a male-presenting
person and Snow White was played by a female-presenting person,
but in general there’s no reason to be overly restrictive in casting.
This is all make-believe here.

Running Time

Speed is of the essence with this show. Keep scene changes absolutely
minimal. The one-act version of this play runs about 1 hour, maybe a
little longer. If you need to make it shorter, feel free to make any cuts
necessary for time. You can also remove an entire fairy tale (Hansel
and Gretel or Snow White or Faithful Johannes) if you need to. Feel
free to adjust lines as necessary to make it make sense.

Author’s Note

It has been nearly fifteen years since I wrote the original Brothers
Grimm Spectaculathon. With over 3,000 productions worldwide,
it’s been my most popular show by a long ways. Returning to an
old play is always a crapshoot—there’s always the risk of ruining
something. There are things I would change, better jokes, but
sometimes removing the warts from something doesn’t make it turn
into a prince, it makes it turn into a less interesting frog.
I am not the playwright I was fifteen years ago. I hope I’m a better
one, but the results will be in the execution, not in me merely
wishing it to be so. The original BGS has a madcap, free-wheeling,
almost dangerous energy to it. The play feels like it could run off the
rails at any time, and only the efforts of a talented group of actors
are keeping this unwieldy massive thing moving forward. That’s
probably part of the reason actors and audiences enjoy doing it so
much: you never know what’s going to happen next.
The last thing I want to do is make this play safe. But I’d like to make
it safe for the actors to perform.

6
 The Brothers Grimm
Spectaculathon
(one-act version)

by Don Zolidis

(The stage can be anything, really.)

(NARRATOR 1 enters.)
NARRATOR 1.Hello and welcome to the Brothers Grimm
Spectaculathon.
(NARRATOR 2 bursts onto the stage.)
NARRATOR 2.SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! It’s EXTREME! See!
Monster slaying action as the three-headed pig battles the wolf-o-
bot in a bone-crushing cage match of death! They’ll huff and they’ll
puff and they’ll kick some iron! Aaaaaaaaah!
(Short pause. NARRATOR 1 blinks.)
NARRATOR 1.What we are going to do here today—
NARRATOR 2.And then the battle you’ve been waiting for: Snow
White vs. Sleeping Beauty in a mud-wrestling death match. Who’s
the toughest of them all?!
NARRATOR 1.Can you stop please?
NARRATOR 2.We’ve got unhinged princess action! Elsa and
Rapunzel in a hair-pulling smackdown! Let go! Let IT GOOOOO!
NARRATOR 1.Okay, stop. We’re not doing that.
(NARRATOR 2 ignites a Firestarter.)
NARRATOR 2.Flames! Flames!
NARRATOR 1.[Actor’s name]. You’re doing it again. What did we
talk about?
NARRATOR 2.About not being awesome?
NARRATOR 1.This—is the Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon!
NARRATOR 2.That’s right. And what we are about to do today is
going to blow your mind. You will never be the same. Forget your
marriage. Forget your children. If you haven’t already.
NARRATOR 1.If you need to go to the bathroom, we’ll wait. We
don’t want accidents.

7
8 Don Zolidis

(NARRATOR 2 points to someone in the audience.)

NARRATOR 2.You look a little touch-and-go miss. Are you sure?
You okay? All right then.
(To the other NARRATOR.)
Keep an eye on that one.
NARRATOR 1.A little background to begin:
NARRATOR 2.The Brothers Grimm were brothers named Grimm.
They are dead. But in the period before they died the Brothers
Grimm wrote 209 fairy tales that we know today—
NARRATOR 1.They didn’t write them.
NARRATOR 2.The Brothers Grimm did not write 209 fairy tales
that we know today, they were frauds. We should dig up their bodies
and spit on their corpses.
NARRATOR 1.No I’m just saying they were collectors of stories.
NARRATOR 2.Never mind that last part.
NARRATOR 1.And these stories have become extremely popular.
We all know them today:
NARRATOR 2.Such stories as The Wolf and the Seven Young
Kids—
NARRATOR 1.The Pack of Ragamuffins—
NARRATOR 2.And Straw, Coal, and Bean.
NARRATOR 1.I forgot about that one.
NARRATOR 2.Oh yeah. Straw, Coal, and Bean? Only the best
fairy tale in the entire history of the world. I’m literally like crying
buckets by the end of it. Changed my life. I can’t even look at straw,
coal, or beans anymore.
NARRATOR 1.What’s it about?
NARRATOR 2.No idea.
NARRATOR 1.Those might not be household names, but quite a few
of these stories have become immortalized in film and television—
NARRATOR 2.Of course they’ve all been changed by “the mouse”—
(He lifts a sign into view that says “Disney”.)
—to feed their enormous octopus-like animation empire which
sucks the life out of existence and crushes your soul in a death-grip
of happy happy songs and talking objects. I can’t even speak their
name aloud because they’re for a way to sue me right now.
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 9

(He swings a lightsaber.)

NARRATOR 2.You’ll never take me alive, Imagineers!
NARRATOR 1.You know they own Star Wars too.
NARRATOR 2.(Dropping lightsaber:) Ah! They’re everywhere!
NARRATOR 1.O-kay. What we are going to do for you right now
is return these fairy tales to their original glory. We have assembled
the greatest troupe of actors the world has even seen and—
(ACTOR enters, scratching themselves.)
ACTOR.I thought there was supposed to be catering back here?
NARRATOR 2.There’s like a beef thing somewhere.
ACTOR.Where?
NARRATOR 2.I don’t know—in the back somewhere.
ACTOR.Is there anything to drink?
NARRATOR 2.No.
(ACTOR exits, annoyed.)
NARRATOR 1.These actors are so insanely talented that—
ACTOR.(Offstage:) I don’t see it!
NARRATOR 2.Do you see the radiator?
ACTOR.(Offstage:) No! Oh wait! No.
NARRATOR 2.There’s probably someone sitting on it. Move them.
ACTOR.(Offstage:) Oh here it is.
ANOTHER ACTOR.(Offstage:) Hey!
NARRATOR 1.Anyway, in the short time we have, our crack team
of actors is going to perform all 209 fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm.
NARRATOR 2.That’s like three stories per minute.
NARRATOR 1.Or a different number if you know math. And we’re
going to keep the original endings intact!
NARRATOR 2.Blood! Violence! Death! People being cut open with
scissors!
NARRATOR 1.And to make things more difficult, we’re going to
perform them as originally intended, which is . . .
NARRATOR 2.That it’s all one giant super mega-juicy story.
NARRATOR 1.Are you ready?!
10 Don Zolidis

NARRATOR 2.I’m so excited I’m going to throw up. Does anyone

have a hat? Nope? Excuse me then.
(NARRATOR 2 exits. NARRATOR 1 stretches and does warm-
ups. Perhaps a few wind sprints.)
NARRATOR 1.Well I don’t know when he’ll be back—
(We hear sounds of him vomiting offstage.)
So . . . Once upon a time . . .
(GIRL enters.)
There was a girl who was raised by wolves and whose mother
died in childbirth and she was abandoned by her father who could
spin straw into a gold and made a deal with a series of elves if they
would help him make shoes. There was also a talking fox in there
somewhere.
NARRATOR 2.(Returning:) And she was beautiful—
NARRATOR 1.Because no one cares about ugly people.
NARRATOR 2.Whoa.
NARRATOR 1.Point me to an ugly Disney princess.
NARRATOR 2.Snow White.
NARRATOR 1.Literally the fairest of them all.
NARRATOR 2.Not my thing, sorry. She’s got that whiny voice.
NARRATOR 1.Anyway, there was a girl.
NARRATOR 2.And she was poor.
GIRL.Oh I am poor.
NARRATOR 2.Dirt poor.
NARRATOR 1.She couldn’t even afford dirt.
(DIRT MERCHANT enters.)
DIRT MERCHANT.Dirt for sale! Dirt for sale! Hey, you! Get off the
merchandise!
(He exits.)
GIRL.(Crying:) I shall flood the ground with my tears!
(DIRT MERCHANT returns.)
DIRT MERCHANT.You’re getting it wet! Stop it!
(He exits.)
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 11

GIRL.If only I could live in a boot or make some deals with elves or
find a talking fox.
(An ENCHANTRESS [played by NARRATOR 1] enters.)
ENCHANTRESS.Excuse me—but I couldn’t help overhearing your
tale of misery and woe. Tell you what—I will grant you your heart’s
desire if you give me one small thing.
GIRL. That sounds like a great bargain. I won’t even ask what the
small thing is because I’m so trusting!
ENCHANTRESS.Excellent. (She makes a magical signal.) I vanish.
(She does not actually appear to vanish. ENCHANTRESS looks
around and covers GIRL’s eyes.)
ENCHANTRESS.I vanish again.
(She quickly hides behind something.)
GIRL.What a nice lady.
(THE DEVIL [played by NARRATOR 2] enters.)
THE DEVIL.Hey there hot stuff. Oh wait, that’s me. Ha ha ha ha!
GIRL.Are you a prince?
THE DEVIL.Of darkness.
(He laughs at his own joke.)
Oh that’s clever! Now, I happened to overhear your tale of misery
and woe and I’m here to help.
GIRL.Well actually I just —
THE DEVIL.(Handing her a contract:) Just sign this one small contract
and you shall conceive a daughter so beautiful she will be selected
to be in a game show with 22 other attractive women competing for
the love of—
GIRL.Done.
(She signs the contract.)
THE DEVIL.Moo ah ha ha ha ha ha!
(He looks around. Then runs off.)
GIRL.This is a busy street.
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN enters, limping and grotesque.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.Hello there.
GIRL.You’re hideous and deformed!
12 Don Zolidis

RUMPELSTILTSKIN. That’s hurtful, but I have a great bargain

for—
GIRL.My stomach recoils in horror as you approach!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.Do you want to hear my offer or not?
GIRL.Sure. Go ahead. You’re probably trustworthy and I’m stupid
and don’t judge people by their appearances.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.I shall make you rich, rich I tell you! Beyond
your wildest dreams!
GIRL.Really? Because I have some pretty wild dreams.
(She takes out a notebook labeled “MY WILD DREAMS”—
hands it over—)
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN opens it up, recoils.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.This is really messed up. You seriously need
help. A lot of work has gone into this and it’s disturbing.
GIRL.I also want a jet fighter with Tom Cruise in it—when he was
23 and not into the weird stuff.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN. He was still into that. He just wasn’t
advertising.
GIRL.I want a Tom Cruise clone then. That I control.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN. I shall make you rich. Not rich enough to
afford a jet fighter or to steal a skin graft from a famous actor and
grow a clone in a vat, but rich enough! And I ask only one small
thing in return.
GIRL.Sounds good.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.Don’t you want to know what the small thing
is?
GIRL.No I’m cool.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.Very well!
(He snickers and exits.)
(NARRATOR 1 re-emerges.)
NARRATOR 1.It was a good day for the girl. She fell in love with
a prince.
(PRINCE [possibly played by NARRATOR 2] enters.)
PRINCE.Hey you’re hot.
GIRL.So are you!
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 13

PRINCE.Let’s get married!

GIRL.Score!
(They air kiss.)
NARRATOR 1.She grew very rich.
PRINCE. Hey look I just tripped over a giant pot of gold! What are
the odds!
GIRL.Ha ha! Score!
NARRATOR 1.And she conceived a child.
(PRINCE looks confused. GIRL looks sheepish.)
PRINCE.Whoa. How did that happen?
GIRL.Um . . .
NARRATOR 2.You see kids, when a prince and princess love each
other very much —
NARRATOR 1.Through magic! Magic of the Devil! And that’s
where babies come from.
(NARRATOR 2 goes back to being the PRINCE.)
PRINCE.I’ve always wanted a baby. Let’s go back to my kingdom.
(PRINCE and GIRL hop forward. GIRL [possibly] puts a pillow
under her shirt.)
GIRL.It’s terrible here.
PRINCE.Ha ha yes.
GIRL.Ah! The baby’s coming!
PRINCE.Dang it! I mean—push or breathe or something!
GIRL.You’re not helping!
PRINCE.I’m not trying to! You can do it! I’m gonna be over here!
NARRATOR 1.The miracle of childbirth.
GIRL.I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you
PRINCE.Focus your anger! Focus your anger!
(GIRL screams.)
GIRL.Aaaaaaaah!
PRINCE.Aaaaaaaah!
(GIRL screams. Nothing happens. She screams again.)
PRINCE.I can see her little head!
14 Don Zolidis

(GIRL screams again. A baby doll is thrown in from offstage.

PRINCE snatches it out of the air like a Frisbee.)
PRINCE.Oh it’s so beautiful!
NARRATOR 2.Years passed.
(The PRINCE throws the baby offstage like a Frisbee.)
And she grew into a beautiful young teenager, Rapunzel.
PRINCE.I want to revisit the name Rapunzel. What about Amber?
GIRL.That was the name of your ex-girlfriend!
PRINCE.AMBER WAS NICE TO ME!
(RAPUNZEL enters, wearing headphones and ignoring everyone.)
PRINCE.Are you going to wear your hair like that?
RAPUNZEL.Shut up.
GIRL.Honey, we’re going to have dinner so wash your hands.
RAPUNZEL.You can’t tell me what to do.
PRINCE.Don’t talk to your mother that way. She sold her soul to the
Devil just to have you—
RAPUNZEL.I don’t care. I didn’t ask to be born! I’m going out.
GIRL.You’re not walking out of this house, young lady!
RAPUNZEL.I do what I want. You don’t know me.
PRINCE. I’ve had just about enough of this “parenting”! I’m going
golfing.
(PRINCE exits.)
RAPUNZEL.Real winner you chose there, Mom.
GIRL.You don’t have a lot of time to be choosy when you fall in love
at first sight.
NARRATOR 1.And just then . . .
(NARRATOR 1 switches back to the ENCHANTRESS.)
ENCHANTRESS.I have returned.
(THE DEVIL pops in.)
THE DEVIL.Your time is up.
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN returns.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN. You know I was in the neighborhood and I
was thinking that I forgot something like eighteen years ago, and
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 15

then I was like, oh yeah, I was supposed to get that thing from that
girl. And then here I was, right at your house?
GIRL.What do you want?
ALL THREE.Your child!
(They all start arguing amongst themselves.)
(GIRL takes RAPUNZEL aside.)
RAPUNZEL.Mom?!
GIRL.What.
RAPUNZEL.How many deals did you make?
GIRL.Just three. And I may have promised your hand in marriage
to a talking rabbit. What? I was young, I needed the money—and
the baby—and the prince—but mostly just the money and the baby.
RAPUNZEL.This is why I’m in therapy!
GIRL.Oh honey you’re not in therapy because of my deals, you’re in
therapy because we’re terrible parents.
THE DEVIL.You heard what I said—witch.
ENCHANTRESS.For the last time, I’m an Enchantress!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.Girl, if you can guess my name, I will release
you from our bargain.
THE DEVIL.It’s Rumpelstiltskin.
GIRL.Rumpelstiltskin.
(ENCHANTRESS becomes NARRATOR 1 for a moment.)
NARRATOR 1.And the little man stomped his feet so hard they
broke through the floor, and when tried to pull them out, he broke
in half.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Seriously? That’s how I die? I get my foot
caught and break in half trying to get it out?
NARRATOR 1.Yep.
THE DEVIL.(Pointing:) Ha ha.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.That’s gotta be the stupidest way to die ever.
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN breaks himself in half.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.Aaaagghh!
(NARRATOR 1 jumps back into being the ENCHANTRESS.)
RAPUNZEL.I’m not cleaning that up.
16 Don Zolidis

ENCHANTRESS. Now that that horrid little man is gone, I will

take Rapunzel.
(She grabs one of RAPUNZEL’s arms.)
THE DEVIL.Um . . . excuse me? I’m the Devil.
(He grabs her other arm.)
I’ve got more claim than some stupid little witch.
ENCHANTRESS.Enchantress!
THE DEVIL.Whatever. Witch.
ENCHANTRESS.That’s it! Let’s go!
(She drops RAPUNZEL’s arm and takes out a wand.)
THE DEVIL.Oh you want some, huh?
(He starts feinting towards her.)
RAPUNZEL.Mom, let’s get out of here!
GIRL.Quiet honey I’m watching this. Go Devil!
(She takes out a Duke or Arizona State [or just a sign that says
“Go Devil”] pennant and starts waving it.)
ENCHANTRESS.Expelliarmus!
THE DEVIL.That’s a witch spell!
ENCHANTRESS.Fine I curse you!
THE DEVIL.You know what, this is stupid. Tell ya what, if you sign
this contract here, I will let you take Rapunzel.
(He takes out a contract. It says “EVIL CONTRACT WITH THE
DEVIL.”)
ENCHANTRESS.Oh this seems legit.
(She signs it.)
THE DEVIL.Moo ah ha ha! And I disappear in a cloud of brimstone!
(He slowly disappears making weird motions with his hands.
Returns momentarily as NARRATOR 2.)
ENCHANTRESS.Well, come along Rapunzel.
RAPUNZEL.Where are we going?
ENCHANTRESS.I’ve got this great tower for you.
GIRL.Run along dear.
RAPUNZEL.But Mom, I don’t want to go with the evil Enchantress.
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 17

GIRL.Yeah I didn’t want to raise a spoiled brat, but sometimes you

don’t get what you want. Unless you make a deal with the Devil and
some other weird people. See ya.
(RAPUNZEL exits with the ENCHANTRESS.)
NARRATOR 2.So the Enchantress took Rapunzel and locked her in
a high tower without stairs or door. As for the Girl and her Prince—
(PRINCE returns.)
PRINCE.I’m back from my golf trip. What did I miss?
GIRL.The forces of darkness battled it out for our daughter’s soul.
PRINCE.Cool. You want to go to Hawaii?
GIRL.Rock on.
(They skip offstage.)
NARRATOR 2.And they lived happily ever after.
NARRATOR 1.But our story is not even remotely finished.
NARRATOR 2.No wait, it is finished. It’s not yet begun.
NARRATOR 1.That’s right.
NARRATOR 2.So let’s go back to that girl—Rapunzel’s mother.
NARRATOR 1.You might be familiar with her mother.
(GRETEL enters.)
(NARRATOR 2 becomes HANSEL.)
(Both GRETEL and HANSEL speak with exaggerated German
accents.)
HANSEL.Gretel! What are you doing out?!
GRETEL.Nothing.
HANSEL.You seem moody lately. As if something were bothering
you.
GRETEL.Ya . . . It’s . . . our mother. You see, our mother died before
we were born.
HANSEL.I remember.
NARRATOR 1.Our next story: Hansel. And. Gretel. Or: The
original horror movie.
GRETEL.I’m haunted Hansel. Haunted by her memory.
HANSEL. Ya I too am haunted. Perhaps we ought to go into the
woods where it’s dark and scary.
18 Don Zolidis

NARRATOR 1.Can we get some cool lighting effects please?

(A cool lighting effect happens. NARRATOR 1 addresses part of
the audience.)
NARRATOR 1.Okay. Now I need your help. You people over here—
Awake? Good. Here’s what we’re going to do. When I point to you I
want you to make a scary horror movie music sound like this.
(Imitating the sound of a well-known horror movie:)
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a-a. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a-a. Can we
try that?
(The audience tries it. NARRATOR 1 ad-libs a reaction such
as: “You suck,” “What horror movies have you been watching?”
“This guy isn’t scary,” etc. He may make them try again as needed
before moving to another section of the audience.)
NARRATOR 1.Now, you guys. You look a little smarter than those
people over there. I’m sorry, it’s true. Look at this guy over here.
He’s a freaking genius. Right? He’s a freaking genius. Now—when
I point to you, I want you to say, “Don’t go in there!” Okay, let’s try
that. One. Two Three.
(The audience says, “Don’t go in there!” NARRATOR 1 ad-libs
reaction before moving to a third section.)
NARRATOR 1.Now you guys. No good horror movie is complete
without heavy breathing. Like this:
(He does heavy breathing.)
You try it.
(Points to a couple in the audience.)
Um . . . you need to take it outside, okay? This is a family show.
(He addresses the entire audience.)
All right? Everybody got it?! One last test.
(He points at each group in turn very quickly.)
And back with our story.
GRETEL.Hansel, I am worried.
HANSEL.Why?
GRETEL.I overheard our wicked stepmother saying she was going
to take us into the woods and leave us to be eaten by wolves.
HANSEL.Ya she does that.
GRETEL.I say we go into the woods ourselves.
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 19

(NARRATOR 1 points to the audience.)

AUDIENCE.DON’T GO IN THERE!
HANSEL.Okay, let’s go.
(They hop forward.)
(Perhaps the lights change again. Maybe they have flashlights
now.)
GRETEL.Here we are in the dark and scary woods alone.
(NARRATOR points to one group.)
AUDIENCE.Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a. Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a.
GRETEL.Something’s not right
HANSEL.You’re just a chicken.
GRETEL.I feel so strange, Hansel. What’s that?!
(NARRATOR 1 points again.)
AUDIENCE.Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a. Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a.
HANSEL.Looks like a house.
GRETEL.It’s made out of candy.
HANSEL.This isn’t suspicious at all.
GRETEL.Do you want to try the door?
(HANSEL moves forward.)
(NARRATOR 1 points again.)
AUDIENCE.DON’T GO IN THERE!
HANSEL. Do you think I should? If only I had some kind of clue
about what to do.
(NARRATOR 1 points again.)
AUDIENCE.DON’T GO IN THERE!
HANSEL.Huh. Let’s go in there.
(NARRATOR 1 makes a sound effect like a door creaking open.)
GRETEL.It’s dark in here.
(NARRATOR 1 points to a group.)
AUDIENCE.Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a. Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a.
(NARRATOR 1 points to the other group.)
AUDIENCE.(Heavy breathing.)
20 Don Zolidis

GRETEL.Is that your hand?

(NARRATOR1 points again.)
AUDIENCE.(Heavy breathing.)
HANSEL.Is that . . . your hand?
(NARRATOR 1 points again.)
AUDIENCE.Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a. Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a.
(WITCH enters, sneaking up behind them.)
(An AUDIENCE MEMBER [a plant] in the front row munching
on popcorn, freaks out—would be great if this were an adult.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER.She’s behind you! Look behind you! Turn
around!
(AUDIENCE MEMBER stands up and screams, pointing at the
WITCH.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER.TURN AROUND LOOK BEHIND YOU
THERE’S A WITCH BEHIND YOU! SHE’S RIGHT THERE! SHE’S
RIGHT THERE!
WITCH.Are you eating my house?
HANSEL and GRETEL.Aaaaaaah!
AUDIENCE MEMBER.I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU BUT YOU
DIDN’T LISTEN! WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN TO ME?! I SAID
“DON’T GO IN THERE” AND YOU WENT IN! YOU WENT IN!
WHYYYYY?!
NARRATOR 1.Sir?
AUDIENCE MEMBER.What?
NARRATOR 1.Can we keep doing the play please?
AUDIENCE MEMBER.You said it was a horror movie so—
NARRATOR 1.Let’s take it down a notch, all right?
(AUDIENCE MEMBER sits back down.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER.My bad, my bad.
GRETEL.Were you eating the house, Hansel?
HANSEL.Maybe? I was hungry. It was made of candy! You should
try the floorboards, they’re really tasty.
WITCH. I’m so disappointed in today’s young people. You think
you can build a house out of candy and no one’s going to disturb it,
but noooo . . . I’m going to have to teach you a lesson.
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 21

AUDIENCE MEMBER.OH DANG IT! I KNEW IT! GET OUT! GET

OUT OF THE HOUSE!
GRETEL.What kind of lesson?
AUDIENCE MEMBER.SHE’S GONNA EAT YOU! WHY ARE YOU
TALKING TO HER?! RUN!
WITCH.But first, why don’t you want more candy?
AUDIENCE MEMBER.NO! SHE’S JUST FATTENING YOU UP!
THAT’S ALL SHE’S DOING!
NARRATOR 1.So Hansel and Gretel stayed with the witch and ate
and ate—
(AUDIENCE MEMBER stomps around and throws things,
protesting.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER.DUMB!
NARRATOR 1.And they got fatter and fatter—and the witch was
very nice to them.
HANSEL.Why does my cologne smell like gravy?
(AUDIENCE MEMBER raises their hand vigorously.)
GRETEL.Look, she gave me this apple to put in my mouth? Wasn’t
that nice?
(GRETEL puts the apple in her mouth.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER.OH COME ON!
WITCH.Well, my children, I am just an old woman in the woods—
AUDIENCE MEMBER.NO SHE AIN’T! I’VE GOT THE PROGRAM
RIGHT HERE!
WITCH.And I could use some help.
HANSEL.What is it?
WITCH.I need some help cleaning out . . . my oven.
AUDIENCE MEMBER.OH HECK NO! NOOO! DON’T DO IT!
HANSEL.Oh I can help with that.
(NARRATOR 1 points to the audience group.)
AUDIENCE.DON’T GO IN THERE!
AUDIENCE MEMBER.I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE
TO TELL YOU!
WITCH.Come along, Hamsel.
22 Don Zolidis

HANSEL.It’s Hansel.
WITCH.Oh right. Hansel.
(She chuckles evilly.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER.OHHHH I CAN’T WATCH!
GRETEL.Oh. Hey. I dropped a quarter. Can you pick it up?
WITCH.A quarter?
(She bends down.)
GRETEL.Eat this, witch!
(GRETEL makes a shoving motion towards the WITCH.)
WITCH.Aaaaaaaah!
AUDIENCE MEMBER.YESSSS! WOOO! YESSS! YESS!
HANSEL.You did it.
AUDIENCE MEMBER.Wait a minute. She ain’t dead. This is where
they get you. Don’t let your guard down.
GRETEL.Yes, it is all happy now.
AUDIENCE MEMBER.No it isn’t! She’s coming back! I’ve seen this
movie!
HANSEL.How about we eat the rest of the house?
GRETEL.Good idea.
(They start snacking. WITCH rises up.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER.NO I SEE HER! SHE’S BEHIND YOU
AGAIN YOU IDIOTS!
(GRETEL turns and shoves her back in.)
WITCH.I’m melting! Oh wait . . . I’m burning!
(She dies.)
HANSEL.Ding dong the witch is dead!
NARRATOR 1.Wrong story.
HANSEL.I get so confused.
NARRATOR 1.So they made it. But the horror wasn’t over. Because
early childhood trauma can affect a lot of fairytale heroes. And
Hansel . . . well . . . let’s just say he developed a problem.
HANSEL.Gretel, you want to try fairy dust?
GRETEL.No, Hansel. You have a problem and you need help.
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 23

HANSEL.It lets you fly.

GRETEL.It doesn’t let you fly, Hansel. Drugs are bad.
HANSEL.These are natural. From ground-up fairies. Let me show
you.
NARRATOR 1.And he jumped off a cliff.
HANSEL.I can fly! Maybe.
NARRATOR 1.It’s up to you, audience. If you clap hard enough,
Hansel will live. Come on people!
HANSEL.(Imploring the audience:) Come on people! Let me live!
NARRATOR 1.Come on! Don’t you believe a boy can fly?!?! Come on!
(A light begins to shine on HANSEL, growing brighter.)
Come on you can do it!
(The light and noise crescendo.)
HANSEL.(Desperate:) Come on out there! Please!
(The light suddenly goes out.)
Aaaaaaaah.
(HANSEL makes a “splat!” noise.)
(Pause. NARRATOR 1 looks sad.)
NARRATOR 1.You didn’t clap hard enough. He died. You know
I’ve . . . done this show a lot. And every time the audience clapped
hard enough to let Hansel live. Every time. I just don’t know what
to say.
(NARRATOR 1 picks someone in the audience.)
I think really it comes down to this guy. This guy right here. He
didn’t clap hard enough. His heart wasn’t really into it. How do you
face your children, sir? How do you face your children?
(If the audience member is about to respond.)
Don’t talk to me.
GRETEL.Hansel?
NARRATOR 1.He’s in a better place now, Gretel. Where his
stupidity can’t hurt him anymore.
GRETEL.Canada?
NARRATOR 1.If you want it to be Canada.
24 Don Zolidis

NARRATOR 1.(Suddenly chipper again:) Anyway, after Hansel’s

untimely death, thank you very much Mr. [describes audience member],
she married a wandering woodcutter. And they had a daughter.
Who would grow up to make a deal with several supernatural
entities who would eventually imprison her daughter in the tower.
(NARRATOR 2 returns.)
NARRATOR 2.But.
NARRATOR 1.There’s always a but.
NARRATOR 2.One question remains:
NARRATOR 1.Where did the witch come from?
NARRATOR 2.Ooh I know. Once upon a time. There was a dwarf.
(DWARF 1 enters.)
DWARF 1.I prefer little person.
NARRATOR 1.In fact, two dwarves.
(DWARF 2 [played by NARRATOR 2] enters.)
DWARF 2.I prefer dwarf.
NARRATOR 1.And these dwarves worked all day in the mines.
DWARF 1.(Singing:) I’ve been workin’ on the railroad—
NARRATOR 1.Mines!
DWARF 2.(Singing:) Whistle while you work
NARRATOR 1.We can’t use that song.
DWARF 2.I do what I want.
NARRATOR 1.No it’s like copyrighted, we can’t use it. The Mouse
will sue us. So the dwarves worked in the mines, they sang their
little song, and then one day they came home to find—
(SNOW WHITE enters. She whines petulantly and falls asleep.)
DWARF 1.What the heck is that thing?
DWARF 2.She’s huge! Get her away from me! She’s going to eat me!
(DWARF 2 dives and hides.)
NARRATOR 1.You see, in those days, most people were cannibals.
Which explains the witch from before. The first Dwarf, though, who
we will name . . . Slappy, wasn’t afraid.
DWARF 1.Gar. I like ladies. So . . . uh . . . baby, I couldn’t help
noticing that you’re in my bed—
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 25

(He moves towards her.)

NARRATOR 1.Whoa! This is a children’s story.
DWARF 1.So I’m going to chop you up and eat you.
(DWARF 1 takes out a fork and knife.)
NARRATOR 1.Time out. Time out. Put away the hot sauce.
(DWARF 1 hides a bottle of hot sauce behind his back.)
DWARF 1.What? I’m just going with what my character wants.
NARRATOR 1.You do not get to eat Snow White. You’re not the
villain of the story.
DWARF 1.No. Look. I’ve been doing some character work. Slappy
has had a hard life. He’s been discriminated against for being a
dwarf. And he hates the world. He just hates it—
NARRATOR 1.He does not!
DWARF 1.And he wants revenge against the humans who have
wronged him, so when this giant chick comes into his home and
sleeps in his bed . . . dinner time.
(NARRATOR 2 enters.)
NARRATOR 1.No. We are going to do this story as written! Snow
White cleans house for the seven dwarves, then she gets poisoned by
an apple, then a prince shows up and falls in love with her because
she’s unconscious and can’t talk back.
NARRATOR 2.You know, maybe this fairy tale is a little antiquated.
NARRATOR 1.This is a classic. What girl out there didn’t want to
be a house maid to seven freaky bearded dudes and then have no
choice in who she was going to marry?
NARRATOR 2.Sometimes the classics are . . . how do you say, bad?
NARRATOR 1.They’re beautiful!
NARRATOR 2.Really? Let me show you one.
(NARRATOR 2 takes out the big book of fairy tales.)
Here we go—number 191. Lean Lisa.
NARRATOR 1.Never heard of it.
(SNOW WHITE wakes up.)
SNOW WHITE.Question: Why is it that I have to clean and cook
for the dwarves? If I’m a princess, shouldn’t they be cooking and
cleaning for me?
26 Don Zolidis

NARRATOR 2.Both of you stop, okay? We’re doing a new one,

Lean Lisa.
SNOW WHITE.Never heard of it.
NARRATOR 2.So once upon a time, Lean Lisa lay in bed with her
husband, Long Laurence.
DWARF 1.Do I get to be Long Laurence?
NARRATOR 2.Yes.
DWARF 1.Sweet.
(DWARF 1 and SNOW WHITE rearrange themselves.)
SNOW WHITE.Dear husband, I was thinking.
DWARF 1.I’m trying to sleep, woman.
SNOW WHITE.I’m tired of being poor and hungry. What if we
took the cow in the field and tried to get her to have calves? Then we
could raise the calves and sell them and we’d have enough money to
buy more animals. And then we wouldn’t have to starve any more.
DWARF 1.That sounds like a lot of work.
SNOW WHITE.You’re lazy!
DWARF 1.Quiet your wagging tongue woman!
(DWARF 1 strangles SNOW WHITE.)
NARRATOR 2.And she died. The end.
(SNOW WHITE falls over. The end.)
NARRATOR 1.Seriously? That’s what it says?
NARRATOR 2.Right here.
NARRATOR 1.Wow. That story’s awful.
(SNOW WHITE wakes up again.)
SNOW WHITE.Can I go back to being Sleeping Beauty now?
NARRATOR 2.I thought you were supposed to be Snow White.
SNOW WHITE.Can anyone really tell the difference? Seriously,
they’re the same story.
NARRATOR 2.Anyway, what I’m saying is that these stories need
some spicing up here and there. A new angle. A new way of putting
them together.
NARRATOR 1.Fine. I don’t care anymore. Whatever. I’m sure this
Dwarf is going to do a better job than me. Go ahead take my place.
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 27

(DWARF 1 jumps up.)

DWARF 1.Sounds good.
NARRATOR 1.Wait, I didn’t—
DWARF 1.All right, you’re gonna be Dwarf 1, all right?
(NARRATOR 1 puts on a beard.)
DWARF 1.[Narrator 2 actor’s name]. You’re Dwarf 2. I’m the new
narrator.
SNOW WHITE.Am I still Snow White?
DWARF 1.You’re whatever you want to be honey. Call me. So,
once upon a time there was a house filled with dwarves. And these
dwarves worked in the mines beneath the surface of the earth and
swore revenge at the up-worlders.
NARRATOR 1.Curse you, up-worlders!
DWARF 1.And one day they came home to find a beautiful girl
sleeping in their bed.
NARRATOR 1.Hey look! A giant hottie!
DWARF 2.She’s huge! She’s going to eat me! Run for it!
(NARRATOR 1 holds up a hand.)
NARRATOR 1.Hold on, Dwarf Number Two. I’m tired of running.
I’m tired of being a supporting character. This is my time. You see,
I happen to be quite brilliant and I know for a fact that this giant
hottie has fallen under a curse to sleep for a hundred years.
DWARF 2.I thought that was the Sleeping Beauty story.
NARRATOR 1.From my perspective, they all look the same. And
the only way for this giant hottie to wake up is to receive a kiss from
her true love. Me.
DWARF 2.Um . . . so you’re going to kiss her without getting active
consent?
NARRATOR 1.What are you doing?
DWARF 2.Just preparing my police report.
NARRATOR 1.Fine.
(NARRATOR 1 raps on something.)
NARRATOR 1.HEY. GIANT HOTTIE. IS IT COOL IF I KISS YOU
TO WAKE YOU UP FROM YOUR COMA?
(NARRATOR 1 listens.)
28 Don Zolidis

(Then NARRATOR 1 makes a little SNOW WHITE voice and

says:)
NARRATOR 1.Sure Dwarf One I would like that.
DWARF 2.That was you!
NARRATOR 1.Well how am I supposed to—?
DWARF 2.What if you did an air hug from a six foot distance?
NARRATOR 1.Fine.
(She backs up and air hugs SNOW WHITE.SNOW WHITE
wakes up.)
SNOW WHITE.(Waking up:) Ah!
DWARF 1.It was love at first sight.
SNOW WHITE.Oh you’re not what I expected.
NARRATOR 1.I’m better, baby. I am the mighty dwarf Slappy and
I have rescued you from the evil curse that was—
SNOW WHITE.(Overlapping:) I was just tired, I wasn’t under a
curse—
NARRATOR 1.(Overlapping:) Forcing you to sleep for a hundred
years. I am your true love.
(SNOW WHITE raises her hand.)
SNOW WHITE.Um.
DWARF 1.This is where you break into song.
SNOW WHITE.I don’t know the words.
DWARF 1.That’s okay— I wrote them down for you.
(DWARF 1 hands a sheet of paper to SNOW WHITE.)
(SNOW WHITE takes the sheet and looks at it.)
SNOW WHITE.This says I cook dinner and clean the house and
leave the thinking to my husband.
DWARF 1.It’s a perfect marriage.
SNOW WHITE.This is disgusting! I’m a modern woman!
DWARF 1.Well you’re not going to live happily ever after then!
SNOW WHITE.I’m going to tell the story my way!
(She throws down the lyrics.)
(DWARF 2 and WITCH 2 enter.)
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 29

WITCH 2.Are y’all gonna need me any time soon?

SNOW WHITE.Yes. We are starting over right now. Once upon a
time there was a beautiful girl.
(The actors look around. SNOW WHITE points at DWARF 2.)
(WITCH 2 exits, annoyed.)
SNOW WHITE.You’re going to be Snow White this time.
(Author’s note: Whatever the double-casting, it is imperative that
DWARF 2 be played by a male-presenting actor.)
DWARF 2.ABOUT DANG TIME! YES!
(DWARF 2 grabs a stash of clothing. He has ALL of the Snow
White stuff. Dress—tiara—wig—gloves—roses. He talks while he’s
putting on the dress and everything.)
DWARF 2.I’ve just been waiting for my chance but I will ROCK
THIS. Oh yeah. It’s my time. It’s all coming true just like I dreamed.
You can do this, [Dwarf 2 actor’s real name].
Time for this diamond to shine.
(DWARF 2 prepares mentally, perhaps stretches, perhaps takes
out a mirror to apply a beauty mark.)
DWARF 2.Showtime.
NARRATOR 1.All right then.
SNOW WHITE.She was the most beautiful girl in the entire
kingdom.
(DWARF 2 struts up and down, as if he’s on a runway.)
DWARF 2.You know it!
SNOW WHITE.But her stepmother was jealous.
(WITCH 2 returns as DWARF 2 struts.)
WITCH 2.Snow White.
DWARF 2.Stepmother.
WITCH 2.Is that a zit I see on your face?
DWARF 2.You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
WITCH 2.I do believe you’re skipping your exercise routine.
DWARF 2.Not on your life, sister. These curves are tight and
streamlined like a racing yacht owned by a hip-hop mogul.
WITCH 2.I think you might need to tweeze your eyebrows. They’re
looking . . . puffy.
30 Don Zolidis

DWARF 2.No, they are fierce like a chained tiger with ghost peppers
stuffed up his—
SNOW WHITE.(Cutting him off:) Moving on. And the wicked
stepmother went to her room and gazed into her magic mirror.
(DWARF 1 becomes the magic mirror.)
WITCH 2.Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all?
DWARF 1.(As the mirror, a drawn-out ghostly voice:) Well it’s certainly
not you.
WITCH 2.Curses!
DWARF 1.(As the mirror:) Hey that’s a good idea. You should try that.
SNOW WHITE.Meanwhile, Snow White was only becoming more
fierce.
(DWARF 2 continues to strut.)
DWARF 2.Work it. Work it.
SNOW WHITE.And just then—
(WITCH 2 faces DWARF 2.)
It was her stepmother.
WITCH 2.Stepmother.
DWARF 2.Snow White.
(They look confused. SNOW WHITE gestures that they have it
reversed.)
WITCH 2.Snow White.
DWARF 2.Stepmother.
WITCH 2.I’m afraid it’s over for you, Snow White. For I have a lot of
money and have been though a lot of plastic surgery in Hollywood.
Now, I am more beautiful than even you.
DWARF 2.Unlikely. BEGIN.
(DWARF 1 starts some thrilling runway music.)
(DWARF 2 and WITCH 2 strut back and forth, throwing fierce
looks at each other.)
(NARRATOR 1 becomes PRINCE 2 and enters. [Whoever plays
PRINCE 2 should be female-presenting.])
PRINCE 2.Yaaas Queen! Slay!
DWARF 1.Enough!
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 31

(They stop.)
DWARF 1.Snow White is still the fiercest.
WITCH 2.Dang it! Well, how about an apple as a peace offering?
DWARF 2.How ’bout I take you out with my martial arts skills?
WITCH 2.Oh it’s on!
PRINCE 2.Not to interrupt but I was just in the neighborhood
looking for a girl in a coma to make out with and—whoa! Chickfight!
(DWARF 2 and WITCH 2 circle each other.)
SNOW WHITE.And it was a glorious battle.
WITCH 2.Expelliarmus!
DWARF 2.Expelliarmus yourself!
(They start slap-fighting. It’s ridiculous.)
PRINCE 2.Go Snow White!
SNOW WHITE.A titanic struggle of good and evil. Purity versus
corruption.
(DWARF 2 pokes WITCH 2 in the eyes, 3 Stooges-style. WITCH
2 throws stuff at DWARF 2.)
SNOW WHITE.Until finally.
WITCH 2.I shall transform myself into a black dragon! Ah ha ha ha!
(Pause.)
SNOW WHITE.No that was in the Sleeping Beauty movie.
WITCH 2.I thought we were doing Sleeping Beauty.
SNOW WHITE.No this is Snow White.
(DWARF 2 takes a sword and stabs her.)
DWARF 2.Eat this, witch!
WITCH 2.Ah! I’m melting! Actually I’m . . . bleeding! Aaaaaah.
(WITCH 2 dies.)
PRINCE 2.That was so hot.
DWARF 2.Like somebody else I know, Prince.
PRINCE 2.You’re very forward.
DWARF 2.I’m a modern woman. Come on, let’s get married.
(DWARF 1 returns.)
32 Don Zolidis

SNOW WHITE.And just then.

DWARF 1.Hi ho. Hi ho.
DWARF 2.What’d you just call me?
DWARF 1.Um. Nothing. Look, I’m living with a bunch of other
dwarves—
DWARF 2.I’ve heard enough! You are lucky enough to become my
servants. Come with me.
SNOW WHITE.And they all lived happily ever after and avoided
traditional gender roles. And the seven little dwarves cooked for
them, cleaned the house, and did all that other junk that Snow
White was supposed to do in the story. The end.
(NARRATOR 1 and NARRATOR 2 return.)
NARRATOR 1.That was enlightened.
SNOW WHITE.Thank you.
(She exits.)
NARRATOR 2.But the witch was not dead.
WITCH 2.It’s just a flesh wound!
NARRATOR 1.Stop it. We’re doing this without any Monty Python
references.
WITCH 2.’Tis but a scratch.
NARRATOR 1.I said stop it!
NARRATOR 2.Anyway, the witch felt bad and built a house made
of candy and decided to eat children instead.
WITCH 2.There aren’t many career options for me.
(She exits.)
NARRATOR 1.But the true secret origin here is of Dwarf Number
Two.
NARRATOR 2.Which brings us to the darkest, most disturbing
fairy tale ever told: Faithful Johannes.
(JOHANNES enters. He’s all smiles. Very, very happy.)
NARRATOR 1.Never heard of it.
NARRATOR 2.There’s a reason for that. Welcome to Faithful
Johannes—the original psychological thriller.
(Lights change on JOHANNES in a creepy fashion. Perhaps a red
light? He’s no longer all smiles. He looks terrified.)
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 33

(NARRATOR 1 changes into the QUEEN.)

(KING enters.)
NARRATOR 2.Once upon a time there was a noble servant, Faithful
Johannes, who served his king faithfully, as you might glean from
his name.
KING.Hey everybody! Check out my servant, Faithful Johannes!
JOHANNES.You’re too kind, your majesty.
KING. He’s the best! All your other servants are GARBAGE.
Faithful Johannes would do anything for me! Eat a bug. Do it.
JOHANNES.Of course, sire.
(JOHANNES eats a bug and smiles afterwards.)
KING.HE LOVES IT. All your other servants are LOSERS. Nobody
like Faithful Johannes here! Slap yourself in the face for me.
(JOHANNES slaps himself in the face. Smiles afterwards.)
AMAZING. All right, I’m goin’ to bed. In conclusion: Faithful
Johannes is the best, and all other servants are STUPID.
(KING exits.)
NARRATOR 2.Johannes loved his life.
JOHANNES. This is great. Nothing like eating bugs and slapping
myself in the face for my King.
(He sighs and tries to keep it together.)
NARRATOR 2.But one night he was visited . . .
(RAVEN enters [or NARRATOR 2 transforms into RAVEN].
RAVEN is dressed in a black trenchcoat or looks suitably sketchy.)
NARRATOR 2.By a talking raven.
RAVEN.Hey Pssst. Yo Johannes.
JOHANNES.Who’s that?
RAVEN.C’mere. I got something to tell you.
JOHANNES.Are you a talking raven?
RAVEN.Yeah. Shaddup. I got news for you.
JOHANNES.What is it?
RAVEN.There’s about to be three attempts on the King’s life. You
wanna stop it? You listen to me.
JOHANNES.Oh.
34 Don Zolidis

RAVEN.But you breathe a word of this, you tell anybody you heard
it from me, I’ll turn you to stone.
JOHANNES.You can do that?
RAVEN.I can do anything I want. I’m a talking raven. You got it?
(Harsh whisper:) Don’t tell nobody nothing.
JOHANNES.O-okay.
RAVEN.First up: You didn’t hear this from me, but there’s a magic
horse—
JOHANNES.A magic horse?
RAVEN. Shhhhh! And the King’s gonna think he’s pretty sweet,
but if he gets on that horse, the horse is gonna fly into the air and
the King’s gonna fall from about two thousand feet. Splat. So here’s
what you’re gonna do: You’re gonna take this gun, and you’re gonna
shoot that horse in the face.
(RAVEN produces a toy gun.)
JOHANNES.But I’m in a fairy tale, I didn’t even know we had guns.
RAVEN.You do now. You understand me? You shoot that horse, or
the King is dead meat. And I’ll be watching you.
(RAVEN points towards JOHANNES’ eyes.)
Ca-CAW!
(JOHANNES freaks out. RAVEN flies off.)
NARRATOR 2.The next day.
(KING returns.)
KING.Well my Faithful Johannes let’s go for a lovely stroll!
(JOHANNES freaks out and puts the gun behind his back.)
JOHANNES.(Twitchy and nervous:) Of course sire.
KING.Something the matter?
JOHANNES.Not at all! I’m—fine.
(JOHANNES looks in all directions, paranoid. Spins. Looks
behind him.)
(PLINKIE PLIE, an adorably cute pink flying horse, enters.)
KING.Hey look at that!
(PLINKIE PLIE waves coquettishly.)
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 35

PLINKIE PLIE.Oh hi there! My name’s Plinkie Pie! I’m a magical—

(BLAM!)
(JOHANNES stands, shaking, gun in hand, staring wide-eyed.)
PLINKIE PLIE.Aaaaaah. I’m dying! Tell my friends they were
magic . . .
(PLINKIE PLIE dies.)
KING.WHAT THE HECK?
JOHANNES.I didn’t like the look of that horse, sire.
KING. THAT WAS AN ADORABLE HORSE. Why would you do
that?!
JOHANNES.Um . . . stress at home. Sorry.
KING.Man. You got problems.
(KING exits.)
NARRATOR 2.Later that night.
(RAVEN enters behind JOHANNES.)
(JOHANNES stands, shaking, eyes wide.)
RAVEN.Psst. Yo Johannes. C’mere.
JOHANNES.Ah! Stay away from me! I can’t do this!
RAVEN. Attempt number two is comin’ tomorrow. At the King’s
wedding rehearsal.
JOHANNES.I don’t want to hear it!
RAVEN. It’s gotta be you, Johannes. The King’s wedding shirt is
cursed. If he puts it on, he’ll burn to death.
JOHANNES. I don’t believe you! That horse was innocent! And I
killed her! I . . . killed . . . her . . .
RAVEN.All you need to do is stop the king from taking the shirt,
and tear it up in front of him. That’s all you gotta do. But remember—
you don’t say nothing to nobody, or I’ll turn you to stone.
JOHANNES.How do I know you’re telling the truth?!
RAVEN.You don’t. (RAVEN chuckles.) Ca-CAW!
(JOHANNES jumps.)
(KING and QUEEN enter as the RAVEN flies off. )
(JOHANNES watches, freaking out, twitching.)
36 Don Zolidis

QUEEN. Welcome friends. It’s so nice to see all of you mostly

recovered from the plague. And I’m here to tell you I love this big
guy. Come here, ya big galoot. This is a day of celebration. ’Cause I
love you, honey bear.
KING.I love you more, honey bear!
QUEEN. Even our nicknames are cute! This is the happiest day of
my life! And—as a little present—I made you something.
(She reaches down and takes out a t-shirt.)
I sewed this myself! It’s the only thing I’ve ever done myself. And I
made it . . . for you.
KING.Oh it’s—
(JOHANNES lunges and snatches it out of the QUEEN’s hand.)
JOHANNES.AHHHHHHHHHHH!
(He tries to rip it up, can’t—grabs some scissors and tears holes in
it. He throws it on the ground and stomps on it again and again.)
JOHANNES.I HATE THIS SHIRT! I HATE IT!
(Pause. He stops. Everyone is looking at him.)
KING.Um . . . WHAT. THE. HECK.
JOHANNES.It’s not your color, sire. It is an affront against fashion.
(QUEEN bursts into tears.)
KING.Oh honey bear!
QUEEN.I’m never going to try again!
(She sobs. Runs off.)
KING.I gotta deal with this. Johannes? Not. Cool.
(He follows her off.)
NARRATOR 2.That night.
(JOHANNES looks around, freaking out.)
JOHANNES.I don’t want to hear from any talking birds tonight!
(RAVEN enters.)
No! No! Get out!
RAVEN.Yo Johannes. You did good, kid.
JOHANNES.Everyone thinks I’m crazy!
RAVEN.Tomorrow, the Queen is gonna die.
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 37

JOHANNES.Stop it!
RAVEN.She’s gonna be poisoned. And the only way to stop it is for
you . . . to suck three drops out of blood out of the queen’s breast.
JOHANNES.WHA-A-A-A-T?
RAVEN.Upper chest region.
JOHANNES.STILL.
RAVEN.Fine. Don’t do it. She’ll die. No difference to me. Remem-
ber—don’t tell nobody nothing.
JOHANNES.I’m not doing it! You can’t make me!
RAVEN.Ca-CAW!
(RAVEN flies off.)
(JOHANNES paces nervously.)
(KING and QUEEN enter. Both have glasses of wine.)
QUEEN.Okay I had a rough night remembering that shirt, but I’m
feeling a little better. Obviously, it was traumatic for everyone and
I’m going to be okay with fifteen or twenty years of therapy. But
today is not about the terrible trauma of yesterday, today is about
putting a happy face on . . . and . . . and . . . urk . . .
(She falls over.)
(It’s important she falls over behind something so that we can’t see
her body.)
KING 2.Oh no! Are you all right, Honey Bear? Say something! Is
there a doctor in the house?
(JOHANNES just stares.)
Can anyone save the Queen’s life? Anyone at all?
(JOHANNES just stares.)
Oh no this is terrible! Someone do something! If only someone could
save her!
(JOHANNES drops down where the QUEEN has fallen [so that
the audience can’t see him].)
(KING watches in horror.)
KING 2.WHOA. WHAT. THE. HECK.
(QUEEN and JOHANNES get back up.)
QUEEN.Thanks. I feel better.
38 Don Zolidis

KING.DUDE! JOHANNES. EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

JOHANNES.Um . . .
KING. THAT IS IT. You are sentenced to death for being a jerk!
Where’s my guillotine?
JOHANNES. Wait! I always served you faithfully, sire! But there
was a talking raven who was threatening me and telling me—urk
...
NARRATOR 2.And just then, Johannes turned into a statue.
Because when a magic raven says stuff to you, you better listen.
NARRATOR 1.Okay, that was mildly traumatic but not super
traumatic —
NARRATOR 2.Ten years passed. And every day the King would
stare at the statue of Faithful Johannes and sigh . . .
QUEEN.Are you coming up to bed?
KING 2. Hold on. I’m gonna spend some more time with this statue.
He was such a good servant.
QUEEN.All right I’m going to sleep.
(KING mimes stroking the statue.)
KING. If only there was some way to bring you back. No one eats
bugs or slaps themselves in the face for me any more.
NARRATOR 2.And just then a ghostly voice emanated from the
statue . . .
JOHANNES. Ooooooohhhhh . . . there is one way . . . To . . . bring
me back . . .
KING 2.What is it?! I’ll do anything!
JOHANNES.Take what you love most in the world . . .
KING 2. That would be my two boys. I love my two boys so much.
(He holds up two puppets.)
Daddy loves you.
(As the puppets:)
“I love you, Papa.”
“You’re the best, Daddy.”
JOHANNES.Chop off their heads and smear their blood on me . . .
KING.Done!
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 39

(He rips off the puppets’ heads—[or throws them down and stomps
on them.])
(Then pulls out two headless puppets with red on their necks and
mimes smearing their blood on the statue.)
(JOHANNES comes back to life.)
JOHANNES.Ohhh. I feel so much better!
KING.You’re alive! Air hug!
(They air hug.)
(They dance and dance, high-five each other.)
(KING and JOHANNES dance off, hand-in-hand.)
NARRATOR 2.And the King and Johannes lived happily ever
after. The end.
(NARRATOR 1 enters, stunned.)
NARRATOR 1.What did I just watch?
NARRATOR 2.That’s the fairy tale. Right there.
NARRATOR 1.He kills his children to bring back his servant?
NARRATOR 2.A good servant is really hard to find. You can
always make more kids. Okay fine— Johannes resurrects the kids
later because he’s got superpowers, and then one of those kids runs
away from home, becomes a dwarf, and lives in the mines.
NARRATOR 1.Wow. That is messedup.
NARRATOR 2.Yup.
NARRATOR 2.Well, I think we’re running out of time.
NARRATOR 1.But we didn’t get to The Frog Prince, or Little Red
Riding Hood, or the Devil’s Grandmother.
NARRATOR 2.We’ve done the important ones though.
(CINDERELLA enters.)
CINDERELLA.Ahem.
NARRATOR 2.What?
CINDERELLA.Aren’t you forgetting something?
NARRATOR 2.Oh.
CINDERELLA.Yeah.
NARRATOR 1.All right one last one. Once upon a time—
CINDERELLA.Thank you.
40 Don Zolidis

(She does some deep breathing exercises.)

NARRATOR 2.There was a little orphan girl.
(CINDERELLA overacts.)
CINDERELLA.Oh I am orphaned! Oh I am sad!
(ACTOR enters as CINDERELLA whimpers piteously.)
ACTOR.Can we pause here for a second?
CINDERELLA.Oh how sad I am!
ACTOR.Just hold on.
NARRATOR 1.What is it?
ACTOR.There was like some really bad beef in the catering
CINDERELLA.Oh the catering is bad!
ACTOR.So like everybody is throwing up back here.
NARRATOR 1.Excuse me.
(NARRATOR 1 runs off.)
ACTOR.So we don’t have enough actors to do this one.
(CINDERELLA stops acting.)
CINDERELLA.What?
NARRATOR 2.Well I guess we can skip it then.
CINDERELLA.NO WE ARE NOT SKIPPING IT.
NARRATOR 2.How many actors do we have left?
ACTOR.Um . . . me.
CINDERELLA. Now you listen to me you little reject from
Nickelodeon—this is my chance to be a star, got it? There are
important people watching—probably—and I’m getting an HBO
series out of this, got it?
ACTOR.Well, I—
CINDERELLA. GOT IT? OR I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR TINY
HEART.
ACTOR.Yes, ma’am.
CINDERELLA.Thank you.
(CINDERELLA immediately goes back to acting sad.)
Oh how sad. Life. So sad.
NARRATOR 2.Okay, so, her mother died and her father remarried—
 The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (one-act) 41

CINDERELLA.Mother? Where are you Mother? Are you dead?

NARRATOR 2.And the woman he married was beautiful of face
but black of heart.
CINDERELLA.I shall spread these cinders upon myself to keep me
warm. Ah, they’re hot! Ow!
NARRATOR 2.So they called her Cinderella. Now, Cinderella’s
stepmother had two daughters, both equally beautiful—
CINDERELLA.I’m sorry. You’re wrong. I’m the pretty one. They’re
quite hideous.
NARRATOR 2.Says here they’re beautiful too.
CINDERELLA.I think I know my story, thank you.
(She returns to the floor.)
Oh they are so mean to me. I shall now cry like I do every night.
(She cries sadly.)
(From this point on, ACTOR uses different props or wigs to signify
different characters. These should be increasingly ridiculous,
starting with wigs for the Wicked Stepsisters and moving on
to weirder and weirder things—rave hats, oversize sunglasses,
stuffed animals, fake beards, Mickey Mouse ears—this should be a
completely eclectic bunch of random stuff.)
(NOTE: If possible, all different characters should have different
voices or accents.)
NARRATOR 2.Just then her two wicked stepsisters entered.
(ACTOR grabs two wigs and swings open the door to their room.)
ACTOR.(As Wicked Stepsister 1:) Look what the cat dragged in.
(Switches wigs.)
(As Wicked Stepsister 2:) Does it smell in here, or is it just her?
(Switches wigs.)
(As Wicked Stepsister 1:) Oh that was a good one, Jiselle.
(Switches wigs.)
(As Wicked Stepsister 2:) Thought you’d like it.
(Switches wigs.)
(As Wicked Stepsister 1:) Oh Cinderella. I need to get ready for the
ball—
CINDERELLA.What ball?
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