Vampira (1974)

The ON THE BUSES of vampire movies

From the co-writer of ARE YOU BEING SERVED and ‘ALLO ‘ALLO (I know, it’s not looking good, is it?) comes this British vampire comedy movie (oh dear) from 1974. We all know what that means - it’s going to be dated, silly, and above and beyond all, somewhat Politically Incorrect.

Just warning you.

Dracula (David Niven, who apparently had a lifelong ambition to play the role) needs blood to bring his beloved wife, Vampira, back to life. Rather than embark on the kind of delicious, delirious and sexy bloodletting exploits we might see in a Jean Rollin or Jess Franco picture from the period, instead this Dracula invites Bernard Bresslaw to his castle.

Oh, and some models for a Playboy shoot.

Vampira gets transfused but something goes wrong and she turns into the (extremely presentable) Teresa Graves, who also happens to be of (ahem) African descent. Not happy with this state of affairs, Dracula travels to London with his faithful assistant (Peter Bayliss) in tow. Cue a series of ‘amusing’ encounters as they try to find the right blood type to change Vampira back to her normal caucasian self. Audiences of today will wonder why on earth they are bothering. 

There now follows the HMC list of ‘highlights’ in VAMPIRA so those of you still undecided about this one can hopefully make up your minds:

Dialogue! e.g. Playboy Model: “It’s so cold in here I’ve got goose bumps”      
       Mr Bresslaw: “Yes. I can see two of them from here.”

Acting! e.g.  Nicky Henson gurning. Peter Bayliss gurning. Jennie Linden in glasses. Freddie Jones on an aeroplane. Linda Hayden who is just lovely both before & after being vampirised but is totally wasted. Niven himself looking vaguely uncomfortable all the way through this.  Teresa Graves who is the only one who gets through this with any dignity. And Kenneth Cranham as a mugger! (See below)

The climax! An extended disco dance bit that goes on forever before the final, terrible punchline to the whole film that has to be seen to be disbelieved. 

Fabulous Films’ Blu-ray looks pretty rough, as if a projector-worn print has been slapped onto the high definition format and held there by banging a few nails through it. That’s probably being a bit unkind but I wouldn’t want to raise your expectations after all the build up I’ve given to this film already. There are no extras.

Clive Donner’s VAMPIRA is out on DVD and Blu-ray from Fabulous Films from Monday 14th August 2017

Respectable - The Mary Millington Story (2016)

"Absorbing, fascinating and ultimately touching tribute to a unique British star"

Okay, I’m going to confess something up front here: I have never seen a Mary Millington film. Well, not unless you count ESKIMO NELL which I reviewed on here a while ago. I haven’t seen THE PLAYBIRDS (1978), CONFESSIONS FROM THE DAVID GALAXY AFFAIR (1979), or even what is probably her most famous film, Harrison Marks’ knockabout nudie comedy romp COME PLAY WITH ME (1977). That last film holds the record for the longest continuous cinema run of a British movie, by the way, which says far more about the British cinema going public in 1977-1981 than it does about the quality of the film. 

But even though I’ve never seen Mary in her full glory, as it were, I know who she is. If you grew up in the 1970s as I did she was impossible to ignore, even if you were way under the age to be able to buy magazines like Whitehouse and Knave. For a star of both hardcore (initially at least) and softcore pornography to become such a household name was something we shall probably never see the likes of again. But Mary Millington was a unique individual, and Simon Sheridan’s excellent new documentary detailing the ups and downs and ins and outs (sorry couldn’t resist - Harrison Marks would have been proud - ooer - actually I’ll stop now) of Mary’s career is as much a fine tribute as it is a valuable document of a fascinating period in British cultural history.

         All the usual details we might expect from such a documentary biopic are present and correct - Mary’s birth and childhood in Dorking, her early marriage, her lively outgoing and exhibitionistic character, her need to obtain money to support her ailing mother, necessitating her (entirely voluntary) move into the world of modelling for ‘mucky books’ as one interviewee puts it. And then her rise to fame and fortune under the auspices of porn impresario David Sullivan, culminating in her appearances in the movies listed above, followed by a brief and tragic spiral into cocaine abuse and her death at the ridiculously young age of 33.

         Where Mr Sheridan scores huge points is in the number of interviewees he has managed to assemble for this journey through Mary’s life. Family members, celebrities (Dudley Sutton is always hilariously good value), other glamour models (Linzi Drew and Pat Ashley among them), producers and directors (including Stanley Long and Arnold Louis Miller) and David Sullivan himself. The interviews have obviously been conducted with sensitivity and they are linked by a narration from Dexter Fletcher, whose tone and delivery are perfect for the subject matter. There are also clips from some of Mary’s films, including the earlier more explicit stuff that I can’t imagine anyone is going to find sexy these days.

         Extras include a feature-length commentary track with Simon Sheridan and the BFI’s Sam Dunn, ten more minutes of Dave Sullivan, interviews with Sue Longhurst and Ed Tudor-Pole, the short silent film PARTY PIECES, and a couple of trailers.

         RESPECTABLE - THE MARY MILLINGTON STORY is how you do a documentary. As I said above, I have never seen a Mary Millington picture, and I can’t say I want to now, but Simon Sheridan’s absorbing film provides us with a fascinating look at an interesting time for British exploitation. Most of all, it’s probably the best tribute its star or anyone who knew and loved her could wish for. And yes, as so many people are keen to point out, she really did seem like genuinely nice girl. Highly recommended and a contender for documentary of the year. 

Simon Sheridan's RESPECTABLE - THE MARY MILLINGTON STORY is out on DVD from Simply Media on 2nd May 2016

Eskimo Nell (1975)

"A crackingly good look at the rear end of early 1970s British cinema"

The British sex comedy: a unique genre of film that simply could not have been created anywhere else in the world, combining our excruciating embarrassment at all things body functional with the desire to show on the big screen scenes considered by its makers as not so much ‘erotic, taboo-breaking and forbidden’ as ‘naughty and rude tits and bum stuff’. If I was forced to watch too many British sex comedies in a row I would end up wanting to jump off a tall building, and yet at the same time these films remain fascinating, a snapshot of life and cultural attitudes in Britain that we shall probably never see again - thank goodness. If you do feel the need to sample one of these movies, however, ESKIMO NELL is definitely the one to watch.

Add your own "boing" sound effect to make this scene come alive

Young film-maker Dennis Morrison (Michael Armstrong, who also wrote the script and was responsible for parts of MARK OF THE DEVIL, HAUNTED HOUSE OF HORROR, and LIFEFORCE), desperate to find work, ends up at the dreary, sleazy office of BUM productions. Producer Benny U Murdoch (Roy Kinnear) - apparently a thinly veiled portrayal of real-life Tigon producer Tony Tenser - says he has a film ready to go, based on the famous bawdy poem ESKIMO NELL. All that’s needed is funding, a star and a script. Penguin enthusiast and virgin Harris Tweedle (Christopher Timothy) wrestles with his typewriter in a way many starving screenwriters must have back in the day as the money is obtained from different sources, all of whom want an entirely different film. 

The influence of Ken Russell?

        American producer Big Dick (Gordon Tanner) - apparently another thinly veiled portrayal, this time of Louis Heyward who was in charge of AIP’s London office - wants a hardcore porno, buxom Prudence Drage’s sugar daddy wants her to star in a kung fu musical, and a rich enthusiast for spanking cowboys in tight white jeans wants a Western filled with...well, that. When Benny buggers off with the money Dennis turns to girlfriend Hermione’s mother Lady Longhorn (= Mary Whitehouse) for the money, and a fourth, family-friendly project is proposed. All four films get shot but guess what happens at the Royal premiere?

The sexiest that this, or any other British sex comedy, ever gets

To paraphrase writer and critic David McGillivray in his masterly History of British Sex Movies, British sex comedies were “films that were neither sexy nor funny. Consequently the British public went to see them in droves”. Martin Campbell’s ESKIMO NELL was released in the UK six months after the overwhelming (and nowadays inexplicable) success of Val Guest’s CONFESSIONS OF A WINDOW CLEANER. While that movie had continued the fine (?) British sex comedy tradition of concentrating on a youthful hero’s amusing and amorous adventures, ESKIMO NELL tried to do something different.

Comedy!

        Indeed, it remains unrivalled in British sex comedy cinema in being that rare, and probably unique, item: the British sex comedy with ambition. And what an ambition it is, namely to provide an accurate, knowing, and at times properly funny satire of low budget British film-making in the early 1970s. It’s not in the slightest bit sexy, not even for a moment, but aficionados of the genre would probably be disappointed if it was. I have to admit I laughed out loud a lot, but your enjoyment of ESKIMO NELL is very much going to depend on how much you know about this era of film-making, and to what extent you are an aficionado of the ‘Tit and Bum Humour’ subgenre of British cinema. If you are then this is well worth your money. If not, then you should already know to stay away.

Probably too close to the actual London AIP office for comfort

88 Films have done a fine job of giving us ESKIMO NELL on Blu-ray. The print looks a bit washed out and faded but it’s uncut and for a film from the UK’s era of Cinema Du Grotty it really looks pretty good. There’s also a commentary track from Simon Sheridan and Michael Armstrong. Mr Sheridan is an excellent and knowledgeable moderator and handles the conversation well. Other extras include a trailer, a reversible sleeve, a booklet with notes and an interesting bonus for anyone who wants a real taste of sleazy British porn shorts of the period. WILD LOVERS is a scratchy old piece of filth shot in black and white with no sound, features Mary Millington (who has a tiny part as a stripping traffic warden in ESKIMO NELL) and is guaranteed to put you off your dinner. Don't let it put you off this package though, which is a crackingly good look at the rear end of early 1970s British cinema. Ooer. 

88 Films released their special 40th Anniversary Edition of Martin Campbell's ESKIMO NELL on DVD and Blu-ray on 16th February 2015.