Blood Orgy of the She Devils (1973)

It’s time once again to ride the Ted V Mikels roller coaster of rubbish, as 88 Films allows UK trash film enthusiasts to get our brains fried with this little number from 1973. Your tolerance of this one will depend very much on how you got on with previous 88 Films Ted releases THE CORPSE GRINDERS and THE DOLL SQUAD. If you haven’t seen those, you may need your loins girding further before you leap in.

Cue animated swirls, a girl’s eyes and some weird moaning noises as the credits play out. Then we’re witness to what was probably advertised as ‘an exotic satanic ritual’ but isn’t. A man in a nappy is speared by several lovely young things presided over by Mara (Lila Zaborin and pretty terrifying in her own right) and a bloke who looks a bit like Patrick Troughton in a Viking costume. There are some more women with insanely big 1970s hair, a boom mike shadow, and then we’re privy to a plot to assassinate the Rhodesian ambassador to the UN by means of black magic. For some reason these plot machinations cut abruptly to a man strangling a girl to the sound of a cuckoo clock going off. No, I don’t know why, either.

The next day. “Young” couple Mark and Lorraine (Tom Pace and Leslie McRae) discuss “all that occult stuff” while completely ignoring what looks like a dead koala bear that’s presumably fallen out of an aeroplane on its way from Australia and landed on their picnic rug (see above). Mara plunges a doll into the biggest brandy glass ever shown on film and the ambassador chokes to death. The baddies don’t want to leave any loose ends and so everyone at Mara’s castle is shot dead. Mara turns into a cat, brings her servant back to life, and wreaks revenge. The gunman suffers a voodoo death of what looks like a terminal rectal injection of chilli powder followed by an unconvincing fall through a window while his boss gets pins stuck in him.

There are some long conversations about witchcraft and a flashback to “the seventeenth century” where men with 1970s sideburns torture a witch and another is stoned with foam rubber rocks. There’s another ritual, Ted’s LA castle (doubling as Mara’s lair) glows greeny-blue, and some experts are called in to solve the problem. Everyone dies which leads to a fairly grim ending where the experts wander about among the bodies. The End.

BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS lasts just under 80 minutes but feels longer. However, there are enough moments of jaw-dropping unintentional mirth that if you’re an enthusiast for the so-bad-it’s-good it’s definitely worth a look. 88 Films’ DVD preserves the original aspect ratio of 1.33:1 and there’s a commentary by Ted as an extra. Otherwise you get a Ted V Mikels special 88 trailer park reel and a very good essay on the movie by Calum Waddell that’s actually worth spending more time on than the film itself. As good a version of one of Ted’s films as you could hope for, trash fans will love it. Just watch out for the falling koala.

88 Films are releasing Ted V Mikels' BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS on Region 2 DVD on 18th August 2014.

The Doll Squad (1973)

Before CHARLIE’S ANGELS there was... THE DOLL SQUAD. Or at least producing-directing-castle owning-accordion playing Ted V Mikels would like you to think that was the case. To be honest, anyone expecting even a barely competent forerunner of Spelling-Goldberg’s 1970s ‘look but don’t touch jiggle show’ (as it was referred to by the industry at the time) is probably going to be disappointed.

A stock footage rocket takes off and explodes in a flash of scratched negative. It’s all the fault of crime boss and James Bond villain wannabe (and want is all he’s going to be able to do here) Eamon O’Reilly (the not at all Irish sounding / looking Michael Ansara - what is he doing in this anyway?). Eamon wants to hold the US government to ransom by infecting the world with a deadly plague carried by three white mice he has in a cage that make noises that sound suspiciously like guinea pigs. 

      Perhaps they’re the real secret agents, because big-haired awful outfit-wearing Sabrina Kincaid (Francine York) and her gang of grabbed-off-the-streets-and-paid-a-dollar-to-be-in-this followers certainly aren’t. They wince when they fire a gun and get themselves captured far too easily by Eamon’s gang, but they do have nice matching jumpsuits and they never seem to run out of hairspray. This is just as well, because otherwise they would never be able to see where they were going through their vast disarranged locks. In fact, now I come to think of it, perhaps that’s where they conceal the weapons they seem to keep producing from nowhere.

The deadly plague has been created by twin mad German scientists, one of whom is incapable of removing his hands from his hips, which makes one wonder how his monocle got where it is. Eamon has his vast secret base (ie small ranch) on an island that looks more like a fairly unpleasant stretch of Californian beach where I dread to think what other low budget film-makers might have got up to before Ted and the gang got there. Sabrina and the rest of the Doll Squad shoot the same five stuntmen, playing about fifty guards, over and over, and then blow everything up. Cue glitzy luxurious ending (well, they’re on a boat wearing bikinis) and roll the credits.

If all the above makes you think I didn’t enjoy THE DOLL SQUAD, nothing could be further from the truth, but it’s only fair I warn you that this really is a load of old rubbish, and only the most hardened fan of crappy secret agent movies will get a kick out of it. The music score will either have you tapping your toes (me) or will drive you mad (most other reviews I’ve come across).

88 Films’ presentation of THE DOLL SQUAD is a very fine looking print indeed, and far better than this film deserves. There’s also a commentary track and a making of, as well as the usual trailers. CHARLIE’S ANGELS it most certainly isn’t, but for that alone we should be grateful. THE DOLL SQUAD exudes a certain tatty, thrown-together charm that makes it deserving of trash fans’ attention.

88 Films are releasing Ted V Mikels' THE DOLL SQUAD on DVD on 17th March 2014

The Corpse Grinders (1971)

One of the greatest exploitation movie titles ever, and a film that over the years has frequently found its way onto Top Ten Worst Lists, Ted V Mikels’ iconic grindhouse picture has finally found its way onto UK DVD courtesy of 88 Films.

For those of you who think you may have seen it but aren’t quite sure, here’s a reminder. THE CORPSE GRINDERS is the one about the Lotus Cat Food Company (“For cats that love people”) that’s putting ground up human meat into its tins and thus turning house cats into man eaters. It’s the one where there’s a gravedigger with a pink coat and a wife who wears a ginger fright wig and mumbles to a toy doll she clutches with all the anxiety of a neurotic five year old. It’s the one where the secretary of the cat food company has one leg and can’t hear or speak. It’s the one where cat attacks are created by the director throwing moggies at the actors who then hold on to them for dear life to simulate feline aggression. It’s the one where the grinding machine itself is basically a large cardboard box with an old fashioned lawnmower blade fitted at the front and a couple of papier-mache levers at the back. 

Have I convinced you to watch this yet? I hope so, because while THE CORPSE GRINDERS is bad, it is never dull, and any connoisseur of terrible cinema who hasn’t watched this has a treat in store. Watch hero Dr Howard Glass' gaily coloured acrylic sweater change from scene to scene! Sometimes it’s a white fluffy angora one in a no doubt completely coincidental but nevertheless poignant tribute to Ed Wood! Watch the camera wobble around until it finds what it’s supposed to be pointing at! Gasp as important dialogue happens offscreen while the screen itself is occupied with watching a nurse getting undressed and then dressed again! 

It’s just possible that THE CORPSE GRINDERS is the most honest grindhouse movie ever made. The title alone would have been enough to have anyone but the hardiest (and indeed the foolhardiest) cinema-goer leaving well alone, and then it goes on to deliver on its promise of dead bodies being ground up and turned into cat food. It’s incompetent at times, and daft all the time, but it’s never, ever boring. There’s even one shot towards the end that actually looks quite professional (and somewhat reminiscent of an EC comics panel) and the scenes with the grinder are lit in Bava-style pinks and greens, probably because that was the colour of the lampshade in the cellar at the time.

88 Films’ presentation of THE CORPSE GRINDERS is a bit of a scratchy old transfer but it’s eminently watchable. In fact the only reason I think this could look better is because I’ve seen such pristine versions of similar tatty old gory entertainments like BLOOD FEAST. There’s a commentary track by Ted V Mikels himself, a making of, and the usual trashy trailer park reel. I’ll admit I was dreading reviewing this one as I didn’t think it could possibly hold up to its reputation, but it does. THE CORPSE GRINDERS is terrifically entertaining rubbish. Now I can’t wait to watch THE DOLL SQUAD.

88 Films are releasing Ted V Mikels' THE CORPSE GRINDERS on DVD on 17th March 2014