Cannibal Terror (1980)

"Cannibal Terrible"

Which, of course, should be read as a recommendation. If there were award ceremonies for trashiest, daftest Eurorubbish of all time, then French company Eurocine, responsible for CANNIBAL TERROR and so many other acts of celluloid atrocity, would no doubt have picked up several lifetime achievement gongs by now.

Cultural Appropriation?

And CANNIBAL TERROR (Onscreen title card TERREUR CANNIBALE for those who need to know) really is awful. Described by someone as THE ROOM of the cannibal subgenre, it has to be said they're not far wrong. Like Tommy Wiseau's thoroughly entertaining magnum opus horrificus, CANNIBAL TERROR is filled with awful acting, scenes that make no sense, and a flagrant disregard for any attempt at realism. Oh, and parrots. Play the drinking game with parrots & you'll be on the floor by halfway through.

Guitar solo with gratuitous parrot placement

The 'plot' involves three ne'er-do-wells kidnapping the young daughter of a wealthy garage owner. They plan to ransom her, but something goes hilariously wrong as their contact displays a remarkable inability to cross an almost empty city street, and they end up having to hide out in the jungles of what looks like (and in fact is) Alicante. 

A severed head! That blinks!

The Alicante jungle has cannibals! And they're brilliant, less resembling natives who have spent their entire lives communing with nature and more some bizarre unseen footage of Mungo Jerry at Woodstock, sporting massive sideburns or absurd wigs.

Woodstock or Alicante Cannibal? You decide.

The jungle also has people who stare off into space before speaking, almost as if they're trying to remember their dialogue, a poor girl (Jess Franco alumnus Pamela Stanford) who has to take the most awkward-looking bath in a barrel I have ever seen,  and a hippy with a gun who just happens to be wandering around (more Woodstock footage?).

What IS that? 

But that's not all! Oh no, as well as the absurdly prolonged scenes of entrail fondling, that awful three-note title music, and the worst folded paper model of a cat (I think) in motion picture history, the piéce-de-crapness par excellence is saved for the end when, at the cannibal's village, we can quite plainly see through the trees the Alicante ring road filled with traffic. Twice. 

The slings and arrows of an outrageously rubbish film

Extras include a deleted scene (I had to watch it and yes it's more added daftness) and a trailer. An excellent dessert to follow the main course of tripe you've just seen is the 47 minute documentary That's Not The Amazon! which charts the rough and ready history of the Eurocine cannibal movie (yes there's more than one) featuring interviews with actor Antonio Wayans and genre luminaries Calum Waddell, Allan Bryce and John Martin, who seems to be going all out to win the Best Shirt in a DVD Extra Award for this year (and indeed every year). 

Eurocine masterpiece or a scene from The Two Ronnies? 

CANNIBAL TERROR is unmissable in its awfulness, a true feast for enthusiasts of bad film. 88 Films are bringing it out on UK Blu-ray. You have been warned. 

Eurocine's CANNIBAL TERROR is out on UK Blu-ray on Monday 11th March 2019

Elsa Fraulein SS (1977)

SS Express!

         Welcome to another instalment of ‘Trapped in the Room With It.’ As you can guess from the film’s title, this week we find ourselves once again in the world of the Eurocine Nazisploitation picture. A place of inappropriate use of stock footage, wobbly helmets, officers’ caps worn at jaunty angles, half-hearted Nazi salutes, and abundant nudity. 

Music!

         A German major has a “brilliant” idea for rooting out spies against the fatherland. For this he is promptly rewarded by being shot so he doesn’t have to be in this film anymore. Replacing him in charge of the project is expert prostitute and reasonably good blonde Elsa Ackermann (Malisa Longo). Elsa looks as if she’d be more at home as a hostess on an ITV game show like 3-2-1. Despite her new position of authority she’s not very good at saluting either, which means she fits right in. 

Trains!

         They’re all going on a train! You see the cunning / ridiculous plot is to fill the carriages with sexy ladies, the idea being that officers they pick up on their way to the front line may be tempted to tell the girls all while their guard (and trousers) are down, and thus any anti-Nazi sympathies will be revealed (along with their underpants).

Neither music nor trains. Can't think why they included it

         ELSA FRAULEIN SS aka FRAULEIN KITTY (there are no cats in uniform in this which is presumably why they changed the title) aka CAPTIVE WOMEN 4 (absolutely no idea) is from the gang who gave us HELGA, SHE-WOLF OF STILBERG. ELSA is actually quite a bit better than HELGA, mainly because ELSA has a train in it, but also because it’s more competently made and actually manages to avoid being quite so dull. 

Nice locations!

         Composer Daniel White pops up in one scene to accompany sleaze queen Pamela Stanford (memorably disturbing in Jess Franco’s LORNA THE EXORCIST) doing her Marlene Dietrich impersonation, before going on to provide  the film with soundtrack music akin to what they used to play to accompany the conveyor belt on Bruce Forsyth’s Generation Game. 

More trains! 

         Eurocine don’t let us down, though. Just as you’re beginning to think ELSA isn’t too bad along comes an ending that’s as abrupt and inept as anyone who has seen HELGA might be expecting. Anyone hoping for some extras is going to be disappointed, too, as all you get are a couple of trailers for upcoming releases. If you’re a Nazisploitation completist you’ll want to see this. If you’re not you’ve probably already stopped reading. 

ELSA FRAULEIN SS is out from Screenbound on Monday 17th April 2017