Amidst Transitions - Rainer Maria Rilke

It seems to me that almost all our sadnesses are moments of
tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer
hear our astonished emotions living.  Because we are alone
with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us;
because everything we trust and are used to is for a 
moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst
of a transition where we cannot remain standing...

[.....]

And that is why it is so important to be solitary and
attentive...  The quieter we are, the more patient and open
we are, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can
enter us, and the more we can make it our own, the more it
becomes our fate; nothing alien happens to us, but only what 
has long been our own...

What we call fate does not come into us from the outside,
but emerges from us...
We move in infinite space...

[.....]

We must accept our reality as vastly as we possibly can.

Only someone who doesn't exclude any experience,
even the most incomprehensible, will live the relationship
with another person as something alive and will himself
sound the depths of his own being.

[.....]

Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest sense,
something helpless that wants our love.

So you mustn't be frightened, dear Mr. Kappus, if a sadness
rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if
anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands
and over everything you do.  You must realize that something
is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds
you in its hand and will not let you fall...

Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any
misery, any depression, since, after all, you don't know what
work these conditions are doing inside you?  Why do you
want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this
is coming from and where is it going?  Since you know, after all,
that you are in the midst of transitions...

[.....]

Rainer Maria Rilke

Excerpts from "The Eighth Letter"
From: Letters to a Young Poet

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
Twilight Edge

 

Rhythm of Sadness...

A deep rhythm of sadness 
arises from my heart...
unexpectedly,
spontaneously...

It rises even though
I "know"
that before thought and feeling
"I" am Eternal Beingness...

The rhythm of sadness
is not assuaged
with the knowledge of
that "I am That"...

It will not be held back, suffocated, 
repressed by sand bags of knowledge of
"the teachings,"
from the caverns of the mind...

It matters not to
"The Eternal"
that sadness and grief
arise in this mechanism called
"me",

like the tides of the ocean
rising and falling
in a darkened harbor;
felt not seen...

It is held in the embrace of "The Eternal"
breathing me...

It just is - sadness,
rising and falling
through me...

I follow the rhythm of sadness
breathing into the Heart
where it meets
The Rhythm
of
"The Eternal"

and slowly
becomes
rivulets
of energy;
just energy,
decreasing in
intensity.

Only to rise again
on the next tide...

Mystic Meandering
Feb 3,2021

~

Sadness is not something you need to fix, cure or
transform.  It need not be "healed", but held.  You need
not shift the sadness into some "higher" state or apply
teachings so that it will yield into something else.  For
it is complete and pure on its own.

With the fire of awareness and the ally of your breath,
touch your heart...
Go on a journey into the core of the feeling, the sensation,
the images, and the raw, shaky life that is longing to be held.
And listen.

It is by way of this journey that sadness will be revealed to be
what it is, a bridge into the universal heart, a messenger
of power, mercy, and fierce compassion...

Matt Licata

 

Life Suspended...

I don't remember winter
being so grey - even when
the sun is shining...

So frozen, so cold, hard crusted;
which may only be a reflection
of my own inner landscape.
I have been frozen lately -
iced in by life circumstances....

And then, out of the blue,
standing in the kitchen
under a moonlit sky light
in the dark of night,
everything softened -
as I thought about "the visitor"
sitting alone in her chair,
suffering and struggling,
mentally and physically,
day in and day out...

Sadness arose for her aloneness,
and hard life - self imposed 
by life choices made long ago -
for which she now pays the consequences -
or so I tell myself...

Then Compassion overtook me -
and my heart melted, released of its
hard line - and dare I say "love" arose
for "the visitor" who sits alone in her chair,
her body and mind breaking down;
memory and mental capacity quickly waning -
struggling day in and day out;
just sitting -
solitaire and TV
 her constant companions...

A life suspended...

Mystic Meandering
January 6, 2023

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

The Rhythm of Sadness...

 A deep rhythm of sadness
arises from my heart...
unexpectedly,
spontaneously...

It rises even though
I "know"
that before thought and feeling
"I" am Eternal Beingness.

The rhythm of sadness
is not assuaged
with the knowledge
that "I am That"...

It will not be held back, suffocated
by the sand bags of knowledge of
"the teachings,"
from the caverns of the mind...

It matters not to
"The Eternal"
that sadness and grief
arise in this mechanism called
"me",
like the tides of the ocean,
rising and falling
in a darkened harbor;
felt not seen...

It is held in the embrace of "The Eternal"
breathing me...

It just is - sadness,
rising and falling
through
me

I follow the rhythm of sadness
breathing into the Heart
where it meets
The Rhythm

of
"The Eternal"
and slowly
becomes

rivulets
of energy;
just energy,
decreasing in
intensity.

Only to rise again,
on the next tide...

Mystic Meandering
updated version 2/3/2021

~

Sadness is not something you need to fix,
cure, or transform.  It need not be healed, but held.
You need not shift sadness into some "higher" state, or
apply teachings so that it will yield into something else.
For it is complete and pure on its own.

With the fire of awareness and the ally of your breath,
touch your heart...

Go on a journey into the core of the feeling, the sensation,
the images, and the raw, shaky life that is longing to be held.

And listen.

It is by way of this journey that sadness will be revealed to 
be what it is, a bridge into the universal heart, a messenger
of power, mercy, and fierce compassion...

Matt Licata

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

Melancholy - Fred LaMotte

 Even on the most radiant days, there is a sorrow at the heart
of life.  When we deny it, the day becomes a desperate quest
for happiness, and the night is long.  But when we absorb the
trough into our rhythm, like the shadow of the breath, that
benign negation infuses all things with spaciousness, tinges
creation with golden poignancy, like Autumn itself.
What is heavy is not sadness, but the denial of sadness.

Fred LaMotte
Uradiance
original title - "Autumn"

~

For all those tasting the sadness of these
unimaginable strange times that we are living through -
not only the losses from COVID, but
from the devastating fires on the West Coast, and the
hurricanes on the Gulf Coast affecting so many lives,
as well as the racial unrest, and the political upheaval
across this country.
May we all find the deep Quiet within..

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
Sunset Heart Leaves

Beyond Death - Eckhart Tolle

The natural way of being after death of a loved one is suffering
at first, then there is a deepening.  In that deepening, you go to
a place where there is no death.  And the fact that you felt that
means you went deep enough, to the place where there is no
death.  Conditioned as your mind is by society, the contemporary
world that you live in, which knows nothing about that dimension
- your mind then tells you that there is something wrong with this.
Your mind says "I should not be feeling peace."

But that's a conditioned thought by the culture that you  live in.
So instead we can recognize when this happens, when that
thought comes - recognize it as a conditioned thought
that is not true.

It doesn't mean that the waves of sadness don't come back
from time to time.  But in between the waves of sadness, you
sense there is peace.

When you go deep enough to the formless, the dreadful is no
longer dreadful, it's sacred.

When somebody dies who is close to you, it [feels] dreadful
on the level of form.  It's sacred on the deeper level.
Death can enable you to find that dimension in yourself - the
sacred dimension of life, where life is indestructible.

There is always the window into the formless.  It's not through
an explanation that says, well, he or she will move on or
reincarnate, or go to some place of rest.  That can be comforting,
but you can go to a deeper place than that, where you don't need
any explanations, because what opens up when the form
dissolves is life beyond form.  That is the sacred dimension.

Eckhart Tolle

via The Beauty We Love

~

Photo taken by my husband
at the Butterfly Pavilion

Personal Note:  While I understand and have experienced what Eckhart says here, I have also experienced that grief is a very organic process and sometimes we just have to sit with the feelings of sadness and sorrow, embrace them while we go through the grief, and not try to "spiritualize it, but allow the feelings to be what they are...

Light in the Darkness - Matt Licata

In speaking recently with a friend, I was reminded of the great
bias in our culture toward the light and away from the darkness.
When we meet with someone who is down, feeling hopeless,
empty or otherwise not beaming and joyful, we can become
quickly convinced that something is wrong, that they are
"broken," and that we must act urgently to "fix" them.  We
scramble to put them back together, to remind them of all the
gifts in their life, impart spiritual techniques and philosophies
to them, suggesting that they just "focus on the positive", letting
know that everything will be better soon, and that it will turn out
okay.

...we might see the subtle aggression in this, this insistence that
they come out of their immediate experience and into the one
we believe they should be having instead.  We can start to see
how much of this "fixing" activity arises out of the disconnection
with that which remains unmetabolized within us.

It is possible the kindest thing we can offer our suffering friend
is to sit in the darkness with them... removing the burden that
they change, transform, feel better, or heal in order for us to stay
near.  As we turn to embrace our own unmet sadness, grief, and
despair, we remove the projection of our unlived lives from them.
We lift the weight that they take care of our unresolved anxiety
for us.

As we learn to trust and to rest in the wisdom-field of our present,
embodied experience, we see that love is a movement of totality.It is whole, and is raging and alive even in the darkness.

In the core of the fire, the sadness, the grief, and the despair
is something very real, breaking through the dream of
 partiality.  But what this is may never support our cultural
 and spiritual fantasies of a life of invulnerability.  Here, you
are being shown that the wild, untamed, creative movement
 of love will never conform to your hopes and fears, and that
things are unlikely to ever turn out the way you thought they
would.  This is not evidence that something has gone wrong,
but of how alive you are.

From the perspective of this radical sort of wholeness, every
experience is beheld as utterly valid, totally workable, and
an expression of the path itself.  Here there is no obstacle.
From the center of your being, it is seen that life is not only
the joy and the sweetness, but at times will arrive raging as
the darkness, in order to reorder your world and to remind
you of something you have lost contact with.  In this surging
of your inner family, the true nature of your experience will be
revealed, and the portals to Presence will be shown as they are...
as infinite.

May you stay close to your suffering and the suffering of others,
careful not to cut it too quickly, curious and available to the
wisdom as it unfolds in unexpected ways.  Open your heart to
the golden, full-spectrum nature of love and the jewels hidden
in the dark before you discard them, and finally see what it is
that they have to say.

Matt Licata

Photo from Matt's blog

When Dark Clouds - Jamie K. Reaser

When the dark clouds lay thick
before you and the wind has
lifted your hair and taken it
someplace wild, do nothing.
Be no one known.
What has happened is moving
on to new horizons.  What remains
are the desires withstood and
all the unfinishedness that will
see you through to the next day.

copyright/ Jamie K. Reaser
From "Truth and Beauty"

~

The hurt you embrace becomes joy...

Rumi

Rhythm of Sadness...

A deep rhythm of sadness
arises from within...
unexpectedly,
spontaneously,
inexplicably.

It rises even though
I "know"
that before thought and feeling
"I" am Eternal Beingness.

The rhythm of sadness
is not assuaged
with the knowledge
that "I am" That...

It will not be held back
by the sand bags of knowledge,
from the caverns of the mind...

It matters not to
"The Eternal"
that sadness and grief
arise in the mechanism called
"me",
like the tides of the ocean,
rising and falling
in a darkened harbor;
felt not seen...

It is all just held in Its Awareness...

Sadness
is of no consequence
to "The Eternal..."
It just is - sadness
rising and falling,
breathing
through

me

I follow the rhythm of sadness

as it rises through the gut
into the Heart
where it meets
The Rhythm
of

"The Eternal"
and
dissolves
~
~
~

into
rivulets
of energy;
just energy,
decreasing in
intensity.

Only to rise again
another day, or
on the next tide...

Mystic Meandering
Sept. 20, 2015

~

Sadness is not something you need to fix,
cure, or transform.  It need not be healed but held.
You need not shift sadness into some "higher" state or
apply teachings so that it will yield into something else.
For it is complete and pure on its own.

With the fire of awareness and the ally of your breath,
touch your heart...
Go on a journey into the core of the feeling, the sensation,
images and the raw, shaky life that is longing to be held.
And listen.

It is by way of this journey that sadness will be revealed to
be what it is, a bridge into the the universal heart, a messenger
of power, mercy, and fierce compassion...

Matt Licata

Yearning - Rumi

One night a man was crying,
Allah! [God] Allah! [God]

His lips grew sweet with the praying,
until a cynic said,
'So! I have heard you
calling out, but have you ever
gotten any response?'

The man had no answer to that.
He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.

He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
in a thick, green foliage.

'Why did you stop praying?' [Khidr asked]

'Because I've never heard anything back.'

[Kidhr said]

 This longing you express
is the return message.

The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness that wants help
is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs no one knows the names of.

Give your life to be one of them.

Rumi
Original title: "Love Dogs"

~

Yearn for more.

...don't linger in any spiritual benefit
you have gained,
but yearn for more,
like one suffering from illness
whose thirst for water is never quenched...

Rumi

Want Only What Is True - Jennifer Welwood & Licata

There will always be voices that promise you greatness and glory;
They call out from the worldly marketplace;
They call out from the spiritual marketplace;
They call out from the bigger-better-more marketplace.

Do not buy their false promises, or purchase their ephemeral wares;
What fulfills for a moment is not worth the price of your soul.
There are heights that will lift you,
 but not when you try to ascend them;
There are powers that will fill you,
 but not when you make them your own.
There are treasures, and there are imitations of treasures.
If you have lost your true gold, at least turn away from the glitter.

Want only what is true.
This will lead you to the well of your deepest sorrows.
Follow that passageway, all the way down;
Become the dark emptiness of your core.
Be still.  Don't measure the waiting.
Be still.  Let the waiting become a fire.
Be still.  Let the fire show you its secret heart;
A strand of clear light running through you.
Gather yourself there, and the luminous universe opens.
In the vast expanse, fathomless, infinite ocean of light,
lose yourself, and find yourself, and become what you already are.

Jennifer Welwood
"Renunciation"

~

We can descend into the fire of direct experience of our feelings.
It is within the very core of this holy fire, in the alchemical crucible
of the body where the naked, groundless somatic territory of
illumination occurs, where healing emerges, and a new pathway
of love, care and compassion unfolds and illuminates within you.

Matt Licata

~

Photo - Woman Whirling in the Fire
(looking from overhead)
Vortex Art with Craypas oils

Room For Sadness - Jeff Foster

Your sadness doesn't say,

 "Please fix me,

heal me, or release me".

It doesn't say, "Please get rid of me,

 numb yourself to me, pretend I'm not here".

Sadness does not come to punish you,

 or reveal to you what a 'spiritual failure' you are.

 Sadness is not a sign that you are unevolved

 or far from healing, awakening, enlightenment, peace.

The presence of sadness is not an indication

 that you've done something wrong.

True healing is not the fixing of the broken,

But the rediscovering of the Unbroken.

…we bow to sadness then,

 we recognise how it's already allowed in,

 how there's enough room in us for sadness,

 how we are not 'the sad one',

 not contained within sadness,

 but the room for sadness,

 its space, its home,

 its salvation,
 its loving embrace;

 not as a goal,

 but as our nature - consciousness itself,

 already free.

Don't heal yourself from sadness; let sadness heal you.

 Let it show you the way when you have forgotten.

 Let it reveal to you the mysteries of love.

 Let it remind you of your vast heart,

 your refusal to split off from any part of your ancient Self.

Let sadness help you remember that

 bigger Happiness you danced when you were young.

Jeff Foster

Jeff Foster on Facebook

Life Without a Center
website

I have put Jeff's words
into prose poetry form.

~*~

Also see my poem:
The Rhythm of Sadness

The Way to the Woods - Wendell Berry & Ivan Granger

Sabbaths 1985, V

[…..]

“What is the way to the woods, how do you go there?

By climbing through the six days’ field,
kept in all the body’s years, the body’s
sorrow, weariness, and joy.
By passing through the narrow gate
on the far side of that field
where the pasture grass
of the body’s life
gives way
to
the high, original
standing of the trees.
By coming into the shadow,
the shadow of the grace of the strait
way’s ending, the shadow of the mercy
of light…

Why must the gate be narrow?
Because you cannot pass beyond it burdened.
To come in among these trees you must leave behind
the six days’ world,
all of it,
all of its plans
and hopes.
You must come without weapon or tool,
alone,
expecting nothing,
remembering nothing…”

Wendell Berry
Excerpt from: A Timbered Choir

Something so healing, so earthly — in the most sanctified sense — in this Sabbath meditation by Wendell Berry.

His phrases of the “six days’ world” and the “six day’s field” are references to how we see the world and interact with the world on all the other days of the week, the non-Sabbath days. In the “six days’ world” we work, we do, we accomplish, we acquire. Often it is a world of control and burdens, “plans and hopes.” It is a world of objects and tools to manipulate those objects. Too often it is a world of domination and separation.

An essential reason for the Sabbath is to remind us that that “six days’ world” is not the real world nor is it the whole world, it is only one way of interacting with the world. When we take a true day of rest, and enter a majestic space not made by men — like the ancient, silent woods — we remember that we participate in a larger life, eternal, eternally recycling itself. We are reminded that there is a wholeness to the world we live in, something we can’t segment and sell without harm to ourselves. The Sabbath, the woods, the wilds, these remind us of the sacred, whole, eternal spaces within the human spirit. In true rest and quiet awe, we return to ourselves.

Ivan Granger at Poetry Chaikhana


http://www.poetry-chaikhana.com/

The Rhythm of Sadness...

A deep rhythm of sadness
arises from within
this body-mind mechanism -
unexpectedly,
spontaneously,
inexplicably.

It rises even though
I “know”
that before thought and feeling
”I” am Eternal Beingness.

The rhythm of sadness
is not assuaged
with the knowledge
that “I am” That…

It will not be held back
by the sand bags of knowledge
from the caverns of the mind…

It matters not to
”The Eternal”
that sadness and grief
arise in the mechanism called

“me”,
like the tides of the ocean,
rising and falling
in a darkened harbor;
felt not seen…

It is all held in Its Awareness…

Knowledge of its existence
is of no consequence
to “The Eternal…”

It just is – sadness
rising and falling,
breathing
through
”me”

I follow the rhythm of sadness
as it rises through the gut
into the Heart
where it meets
The Rhythm
of

“The Eternal”
and
dissolves
~

~
~

into
rivulets
of energy;
decreasing in
intensity.

Only to rise again
another day, or
on the next tide…

Unbidden

Just a wave of living energy in
this body-mind…

~

Eternal Being
holds the rhythm of sadness
within

The Greater Rhythm of ItSelf…

as

“i” ride the waves…

Mystic Meandering
Sept. 20, 2015

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: The same thing is true for all “feelings”, all “states”,
even happiness and joy.  They all rise and fall, come and go
with the tides of life.  One is not immune to the “darker” feelings
or emotions just because one realizes their True Beingness…
There are always habituated patterns – i.e: “rhythms” – that arise
in the body-mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simply Sad-ing...

There is a sense that “the path” is changing once again – opening up – carrying me like a river to “places” unknown. And I don’t mean physical places, but those internal places of Spirit/Soul/Being ~ Heart. I’ve had these feelings before. Maybe it’s just that melancholy feeling I get when Fall comes round again – although it is my favorite season. Or maybe it’s a culmination of things coming together – and “falling” apart – the normal cycles of time, season, life - allowing the things that need to die in me to die.

Whatever it is, there is a deep sadness that sings in my heart these days – reasons not necessary. It emerges, subsides and re-emerges – like the seasons. So I listen to its song. She is really the Heart’s whispers disguised in the language of “sadness.” She has been waiting for me to open this window and listen – without agenda - not needing to *define* it in any particular way – only listening and letting her sing her song in my heart - calling me "Home." She is simply another pathway *in* to the Heart of Being.

There is a rawness and vulnerability in being open to sadness that feels like I’m letting go of everything that is familiar, and heading out into the open sea. And maybe that is the gift of sadness – allowing myself to be open to life, penetrable by life, experiencing the rawness of life with its feelings – not trying to be strong, to find cause, to fix it, or cover it over… Instead, I let sadness take me where *it* needs to go on its way to the Heart - as a natural part of life’s unfolding…

This does not mean that I am always sad, or wallowing in sadness here. I’m just experiencing how she dances in and out of being. It’s simply sadness – a feeling. Or one could say – simply “sading” - a verb, not an identity. Feelings are just different colors, different shades of Life living Itself, dancing to different tunes.

What color are you dancing to today?

Art: Gray Swirls
Craypas Oil Sticks

The Turning of the Wheel...

My restless simmering continues. The pot of stew is on the back burner, steadily simmering its little bubbles, like a subtle background noise that you can’t quite identify. An aroma of unsettledness permeates the house. Despite this, I was determined to take the Christmas tree down today - finally. For some reason I wanted to leave it up this month – not for sentimental reasons, but mostly for the warm glow of light that it emitted in the living room in the evenings. There was something inviting about its presence lighting up the bay window that I just didn’t want to disturb. Earlier this week, however, both my husband and I said: It’s time to take the tree down. There was that internal ‘Yes’ again. It was time. The movement was there. Maybe that’s what I was waiting for. I kind of like living my life according to this internal ‘Yes’ – living according to an internal movement, which is not always possible in these times and circumstances with its demands and over stimulations. At one point on my “path” I was drawn to Native American Spirituality and paying attention to cycles and rhythms – not only of the seasons but my own. This is also true in the Celtic traditions – living by the cycles of the sun and moon, with the inner and outer cycles; a kind of indigenous way of living and moving through life – a connection with earthy rhythms. The excursion to the spice shop yesterday, and its smells, got me back in touch with that sense of earthiness and timing and rhythms and cycles. And I will have to say that it feels good. There’s a different kind of internal channel that I’m tuning into here…

I put on a Deva Premal CD and listened to her melodious chants as I took each ornament off its artificial branch, dusted it off, and placed it back in its resting box waiting for another year. Suddenly and unexplainably I began to feel a strange sense of “endings” rolling through me – triggered no doubt by the dismantling of the tree. It felt very visceral and very strange. What bubbled up from the bottom of the pot of stew was a sense of death, and a very deep feeling of sadness and grief. The intensity of the wave that moved through took me by surprise. It left a thick mist of heaviness around me that lasted all afternoon – like the odor of a pungent spice that sticks. Not to sound morbid here folks, just sharing my experience. When my husband returned from his afternoon networking meeting, I told him what happened. He had experienced a similar feeling as well on the way to the meeting – a deep sense of sadness and grief… Oo-do-do-do, Oo-do-do-do… Is there something in the air? Maybe it was in that packet of spices I brought home…

The sense that keeps coming to me is that of endings, change and transition. The Celtic traditions use the phrase “turning of the wheel” when one season transitions into another, like now with the coming of Imbolg – translated: “in the belly of the mother” – waiting for birth, for expression – for the turning of Winter into Spring. In dismantling the tree I unexpectedly connected with something deeper within beyond my thought processes, something I can’t explain – something “indigenous” to life Itself – the felt sense of change, endings – and uncertainty. Unfortunately this only fueled the flames under my pot of restlessness.

So now what? I don’t know exactly… And maybe the “now what” doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s just about being available to the movement, tuning into the turning of the Wheel. It feels like the same sense of waiting for the ‘Yes’ that I’ve been experiencing lately – waiting for an internal movement. It’s a sense of moving *with* something larger than my-self, allowing *that* to move me. Sitting on the back burner - patiently waiting for the movement and expression of Life…

Dumpster Diving

This past week I have been “dumpster diving” – meaning: I have once again taken a rather deep dive into the messy, stinky feelings and emotions composting just underneath the surface. And the winners are: Anger and Depression… And the award is – Chocolate - lots and lots of chocolate! :)

I am allowing myself to intimately *experience* these old friends this week, chocolate smeared all over my face – just allowing them to be present here without trying to cover them over with a sweet veneer of “spirituality.” No, just a sweet veneer of chocolate! Same difference really. Whether we use chocolate or beliefs, sweets or spirituality to hide behind, or stuff our feelings – they are still there until we are willing to sit with them, to be present to them, to see them, to *allow* them and give these hungry ghosts their voices back. They just want to be heard, recognized and acknowledged. And no amount of spiritual platitudes, or chocolate, will assuage their need to be *felt.* So - I have been into the dumpster – feeling around for what’s there. And there they were – pain, deep sadness, grief and a bit of anxiety - the companions of Anger and Depression.

Somewhere on the “spiritual path” I have gotten the idea that we’re not supposed to feel the so-called “bad” feelings. Instead we are supposed to rise above them and be “spiritual” about it all, or cover them over with gratitude, rather than living *intimately* with the *actuality* of our life experience – which involves feeling. We *believe* the thought that we are somehow not “awake”, not “resting in awareness” or not being “present in the moment” if we are experiencing the more intense feelings. Because we *believe* this, we try to “get rid of” these unseemly, unwanted visitors. Believe me, I’ve tried… It hasn’t worked…

This week I initially tried various things to distract and divert the flow of feeling. I emailed a friend to distract myself and discovered he was basically in the same place, so we offered each other what we could and moved on – not wallowing in each other’s pain. Then “Nannuk” from the North showed up on Weds wanting to play, which I thought was the end of it – but she didn’t offer a way through, and the visitors returned. Then Friday I had a previously scheduled visit with another friend, which I decided to keep. I was not intending to discuss my “visitors”, just intending to be present, in the moment – but it leaked out. These things are sometimes hard to hide. My friend assumed the teacher/counselor role and began offering prescriptive platitudes, not heart presence, trying to guide me to where *he* thought I needed to be. I felt myself retract. I’ve done some process art as well, which was delightful – in the moment creativity. Even time in Stillness. But still – the dive has deepened.

This morning I awoke feeling the same deep sadness again – automatically. There was no thought prior to it, at least not that I was aware of. It was just there, present, waiting for me to arise – like a dog waiting by the bedside wanting to be taken out for a walk… As my husband leaned over the edge of the bed for our morning hugs, he said: “Maybe the day will reveal something…” There was the opening. My heart picked up with a sense of discovery about what the day might reveal. It was like Nannuk had arisen within again – the pioneering spirit, wanting to go on an excursion to see what was out there waiting to be discovered… Wanting to be awake and aware with these visitors, not wallowing in them, I was willing to see what would be revealed – if anything.

So, with a sense of discovery, we headed out to the foothills for some fresh air and time in nature, stopping by a little café on the way back for some tea and, of course, chocolate :). Except for a hawk swooping in the sky, nothing in particular revealed itself. I could still feel the sadness within me like a dense cloud wrapped around my heart. My husband reminded me – the day is not over yet. And so it is. The discovery is not over yet. The dive is not over yet. There are no quick fixes, no magic bullets. Clarity comes and goes. There is, evidently, still some gift waiting to be discovered in the dumpster.

The only thing I have discovered, so far, is something that I’ve really known all along - that being present to these feelings is about giving them space, tending to them like small children, speaking to them softly and gently, allowing them to be who they are - with kindness and compassion. It’s like knowing that they are there, but not needing to *do* anything about them. You just see them, allow them and wait – patiently aware, embracing them. That’s what Presence does, it sees, it waits, it holds, and allows. Being present with these deeper feelings this week has shown me that Presence is really an orientation towards life itself that is accepting, embracing everything that unexpectedly comes to visit – even if they stay a lot longer than you anticipated - and just being okay with them until they’re ready to leave...

Sometimes the only way out is through…