The Eternity Portal...

Awoke 9 months ago and

lost my freedom
to move through life
the way I need to:
my natural rhythms
with life:
playful and free
dancing to a celestial tune;
in sync with the Rhythm of the Soul...

Melancholy takes up residence
in my Heart now - grieving the loss.

The cry of the Soul
trapped inside my Heart,
screaming to be free again.

Physical functioning is
becoming harder...
I have become "old"
in just 9 months.
Hardly able to bear the burden
of living life as it is  - now.

I shuffle through life,
losing my balance.

I heard a distant owl the other night.
Maybe it was calling my name...

I could sense death this morning;
we're all just waiting for the inevitable,
but it's how we wait that matters.
Maybe it's coming for me.

To relieve me from the weight of my
responsibilities here...

Released to the final freedom;
disappearing into a portal of light;
taking flight through the Eternity Portal
to a Greater Freedom...

A Blessing...

Mystic Meandering
July 28, 2023

PS - I woke up this morning in a totally different place
I was at peace, feeling my true nature again, playful and free;
dancing with my Soul
Not ready for the Eternity Portal just yet.  :)

Feeling Blessed

Aug. 2, 2023

_/\_

~

Photo - Dorothea on Beach
a few weeks before her walk into the portal of light.

 

Lessons of Life - Philip Jacobs

There are several lessons that I have learnt from my observations
of life, that I wished I had known from the very start.  The first
is that you can trust the process of life and it's unfolding.
So many times in my life journey, I have experienced deeply
traumatic events that I could not see the purpose of at the time.
These events have ranged from chronic illness and the loss of
those I love, and loss of home. Yet when I look back on the
events from a fuller perspective, I always see how they led to
deeper insight and creativity that I could not foresee at the time
and they also pushed me into where I needed to be in life.  It
was as if I had been seeing the world just through a letter box
and could not see the whole picture.  I have observed this so
often in life, which is why I now trust life's unfolding, even if
I cannot see or understand it at the time.

That leads to my second insight, which is that things never 
turned out the way I anticipate them.  When the future prospects
have looked very grim, at a certain point there has always been
an unforeseen intervention that makes the outcome quite
different from what I would have expected.

The third and most important of my life lessons, is quite
simply that I'm not who I think I am.  It's as if there are two
of me.  One identity I call "Philip." [my identity in time.]
  Philip is a man and an artist and does Philip things, like
designing textiles and looking for dinosaurs and Hiroshige
paintings. But behind Philip there is another identity that
quietly observes the ever changing drama of life, all without
comment. It was there when I was five and it's exactly
the same when I'm sixty five.  Compared to Philip,
this other identity is like the still depths of the ocean.  Like
the ocean it is totally still, even when a life storm rages on the
surface.  This other identity is also always unconditionally
happy.  Almost like happiness just shines out of it, and it takes
great delight in everything it encounters: people, nature, art,
animals, etc.  The art of life I've discovered is knowing that
your true identity is this much deeper unchanging sense of self.
It is necessary in life to play the "Philip" role, but at the same
time to have the background awareness that what you really
are is this great ocean of stillness, which in a strange way also
includes everybody and everything.

Sometimes when life is very difficult it is as if the curtain of
time parts and we become aware of the underlying mystery
that has been there all along.  This can also happen with great
beauty, such as when we look up at the night sky at the
vastness of the night sky.  It is as if the boundary between
"self" and "other" dissolves and we see that we are the whole
universe.

So when you are in the middle of the life dance and it seems
overwhelming, remember your real identity that is always
present as your safe place and true home and that is always
beyond trauma and illness.  It is even beyond birth and death.

Philip Jacobs
Sufi

with thanks to No Mind's Land

and photo too...

 

Creative Entitlement - Elizabeth Gilbert

Creativity is the relationship between a human being and
the mysteries of inspiration...

You have treasures hidden within you... extraordinary treasures.
Bringing those treasures to light takes work and faith and focus
and courage...  and the clock is ticking, and the world is
spinning and we simply do not have time anymore to think small.

We are all capable of brushing up against a sense of mystery and
inspiration.  We may be able to draw nearer to that source than
we think, being gently propelled by some force.  Something
carries us along, something not "me."

"Creative Living" is living a life that is driven more strongly
by curiosity than by fear.

You will never be able to create if you don't believe that you
are entitled to at least try.  "Creative Entitlement" doesn't mean
behaving like a princess, or acting as though the world owes
you anything.  Creative entitlement simply means believing
 that you are *allowed* to be here, and that merely by being
 here you are allowed to have a voice, and a vision of your own. 

The poet David Whyte calls the sense of creative entitlement
"the arrogance of belonging" and claims it is an absolutely vital
privilege to cultivate if you wish to interact more vividly with life.
Without it, you will never push yourself out of the suffocating
insulation of personal safety and into the frontiers of the beautiful
and the unexpected.

"The arrogance of belonging" is not about egotism or self-absorption.
In a strange way it's the opposite.  It is a divine force that will
actually take you out of yourself and allow you to engage
 more fully with life.  It's not abut saying "I am the greatest", but
 merely saying "I am here" - to simply allow yourself to exist
 and express yourself. [to allow your Core Beingness
to express through you...]

Your soul will mobilize accordingly.  It will mobilize ecstatically,
because this is what your soul was born for.  Your soul [your
Core Beingness] has been waiting for you to wake up to your
 own existence [your innate Aliveness] for years.

Do whatever brings you to life.  Follow your own fascinations...
Trust them.  Create whatever causes a revolution in your Heart.

Inspiration is trying to send you messages in every form it can.
Through dreams, through portents, through clues, through
coincidences, through deja vu, through kismet, through inspiring
waves of attraction and reaction, through the chills that run up
your arms, through the hair that stand on the back of your neck,
through the pleasure of something new and surprising.  Through
stubborn ideas that keep you awake all night long - whatever works.

The work wants to be made, [whatever 'the work' is for you] and it
wants to be made through you.  [You Core Being wants to express
ItSelf through you in creative ways.]

Elizabeth Gilbert

From: Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

[brackets mine]

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
photo of leaves on grass in the Fall, color digitally inverted.

Magic! :)

Challenging the Fantasies - Daryl Bailey

Life is a moving, shifting, dancing event.
Forms [or beliefs] aren't the truth of existence.
The non-duality [Advaita] view is not the one truth view
of existence.  It is one of the mysterious expressions of
existence.  Existence is just happening.  The dance of thought
is totally automatic.

The "spiritual journey" is one long journey of disappointment
because you're gonna find you can't have endless pleasure,
can't have "understanding" of existence, can't have a sense of
"self", a sense of life where you're always secure and confident.
Life will present situations that are confusing.

Life is an event that is presenting itself and we are part of that
expression.  It's part of the movement of the universe; a dynamic
function. Life will play out the way it plays out;
it's all just happening.  Just acknowledge the movement - the event.  

Life takes care of itself - a formless happening as form, as story.
It is the Formless expressing itself.  You are being expressed in form.
It's all the dance of formless expressions of existence.  We are
the legitimate expression of existence, just as we are.  

The whole process that you think you are is just happening
and you're not making it happen.  There is just the happening of this
moment.  Awakening is a total fantasy.  Everything is just happening
on its own and we are an expression of that happening.
When we see that we can rest.

Spiritual traditions project ideas of what we're supposed to be...
Don't believe in the explanations, or that any of the explanations
have any real truth to them...

We don't have a perfect life with endless bliss.  We just acknowledge
this amazingly mysterious happening that nobody can
comprehend.

There are moments of joy, as well as sadness, or unhappiness.
You endure it in the way you endure it, in your own unique way.
It's just the way it is expressing itself; just the way it's expressing
"me."  The Flow of Life ItSelf...

Daryl Bailey

Life is a Dynamic Expression - Darryl Bailey

Life is a moving, shifting, dancing event...
and we are part of that movement.
Life will play out the way it plays out,
it's all just happening.
Life is a dynamic function, doing what it does.
Just acknowledge the movement, the event;
the Flow of Life ItSelf...

Everything in existence is a legitimate expression of Existence.

We are the legitimate expression of Life, of Existence,
of this great mysterious happening.
just as we are...
Each different and unique in our expression.

When we see that, we can rest...

Acknowledge the wild, exotic expression that you are,
in your uniqueness.

Darryl Bailey

Excerpt from video talk:
Challenging the Fantasies

photo image via Stillness Speaks

~~

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when
one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life,
when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within
oneself?  If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes
truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding
and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such
paradox.  One must live in the middle of contradiction, because
if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse.
There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing
questions.  You continue to live them out, making your life a
worthy expression of leaning into the light...

Barry Lopez
From: Arctic Dreams

via: Beyond the Fields We Know

Realization - Darryl Bailey

You simply need to acknowledge the life experience you already have.
Most people do not acknowledge, in any clear way, what their life
experience is or has been.  This acknowledgement is not about coming
to another idea or description.  It's not about a focus on new and
complicated thoughts.  It's a simple acknowledgement of something
we already know.  It's about realizing the vital, moving, shifting
liveliness that this moment is.

The basic happening of this moment is a moving, shifting, dancing
event presenting itself.  Even if we don't call it anything - if we
make no attempt to do it - it still happens.

[.....]

Everything is changing.  Whether it's a body, a thought, a mood,
a situation, a relationship, a career, and so on, everything is changing.
Atoms, chairs, planets, galaxies - it doesn't matter what it is - it has
an apparent beginning, ageing, and ending.  Even the sense of
existing disappears every night.  All forms that appear to exist are
moving on to some other appearance.

What is has no form.

...There is no storyline.  No one is doing the happening.  It's a formless,
buzzing, pulsing, tingling - a streaming, flowing event.
That's all there is.

No matter how much you think you've created this basic happening,
you haven't.  It doesn't matter how many meaningless sounds get
attached to illusions of form, all of this is formless and beyond any
possible explanation.  You can call it no-self, or God, or whatever you
feel you have to; words aren't that important.

Without forms and labels what is there to question?  What is there
to describe?  There is only an inexplicable, formless dance
presenting itself...


Darryl Bailey

Excerpt from his writing - "Realization"

~

Photo - pattern created by a visualizer
to the sound of music playing... :)

Fear Not the Pain - Rilke

You who let yourselves feel;
enter the breathing
that is more than your own.
Let it brush your cheeks
as it divides and rejoins behind you.

Blessed ones, whole ones,
you where the heart begins;
Fear not the pain, the suffering.
Let its weight fall back
into the earth...

The trees you planted in childhood
have grown too heavy.
You cannot bring them along.
Give yourselves to the air,
to what you cannot hold.

Rainer Maria Rilke

~*~

...recognize that life is not in our control.
We are a small part of a great dance.

Jack Kornfield
Buddhist Teacher

~*~

Both light and shadow
are the dance of Love.

Rumi

~*~

Photo - reflection of Light on the floor

Hokusai Says: Let Life Live Through You

 Hokusai says –

Look carefully.

He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing.

He says Look Forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat yourself
as long as its interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.
He says keep praying.
He says everyone of us is a child.

Every one of us is ancient,
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive -
shells, buildings, people, fish, mountains, trees.
Wood is alive.
Water is alive.
Everything has its own life.
Everything lives inside us.
He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn’t matter if you draw, or write books.
It doesn’t matter if you saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn’t matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your verandah or the shadows
of the trees and grasses in your garden.

It matters that you care.
It matters that you feel.
It matters that you notice.
It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
are life living through you.
Peace is life living through you.

He says don’t be afraid.
Don’t be afraid.
Look, feel, let life take you by the hand.
Let life live through you.

Roger Keyes

Hokusai (1760-1849) was a master Japanese artist, painter and printmaker.  He was best known for his woodblock print, the famous Great Wave off Kanagawa. 

Roger Keyes – is/was an art historian and writer who traced Hokusai’s works and wrote about them.  How he came to write this poem is unknown.

~

Photo - Sunlight through glass

Mystic Meandering

Breakthrough - Acceptance and Awareness...

I’ve been hidden behind a cloud of depression the last couple of weeks.  Dealing with an aging body that doesn’t allow me to do the things I once did with ease; dealing with family dysfunction that tends to keep life in constant chaos, like an undertow of unconsciousness pulling me under; and just the challenges of everyday life with its distractions that keep pulling at me – resisting the pull…

Last week I returned to a regular sitting meditation practice that became part of the breakthrough.  Sitting in meditative Silence without agenda, bringing awareness to what is Aware within, is healing.  Not needing life to *go* a certain way, or needing to *do* something about the way life is going; not needing to *react* to life, but resting in the inner space of Silent Awareness.  Unless one has experienced this deep Awareness of Being, it is hard to explain, and sounds rather boring, maybe even anxiety provoking to sit in the space of Silence.  But it does make a difference.  You become aware of an aliveness in the Silence that speaks, that has rhythm, that is aware.  A recognition arises that you are that Silence, that Awareness.  And you realize that it is this Pure Awareness/Consciousness – the One Reality - that is living us and what we call “my life.”  I must be reminded of this all the time.  It is the mind that keeps dragging me into the shadows of unawareness and non-acceptance, where I beat myself up.

This morning, as I was waking, the words “accept life” came to me.  Really!? J Where have I heard that before! J  Another breakthrough.  Yes, of course!  I was excited as I began to feel “acceptance” for life welling up within.  The cloud started to lift.   I had in mind that I would get up and do my “normal” routine, then meditate, start a mandala, read, do laundry, and maybe do the budget – with acceptance of course - maybe.  Instead, I was distracted by a rather lengthy conversation with my husband, reading inspiring blogs, and unexpectedly wrote this blog post!  I did eventually sit in silent meditation late in the afternoon. J But the day unfolded completely different than I had anticipated.  The mind said: “I should have done such and such…”  Acceptance said, all is as it should be.   

Acceptance is not new, of course.  This is what most great Spiritualities teach – Acceptance and Awareness – the keys to living freely and peacefully…   In seeing life as a distraction, or only seeing the distractions in life that keep *me* from what I *think* I really want, anger and frustration arise - daily, which led to depression (anger turned inwards).  I was identifying with the small disgruntled, unhappy “me”, unaware of the Spacious Awareness of Being that accepts life as it is in a fluid dance of living.  I had forgotten how to dance with life.  It seems for me to be an ongoing process of revelation.

In becoming aware and accepting there was a sense of release and freedom, a sense of anticipation, not expectation, about life without dread of what the day would bring. In Meditative Silence one begins to see life more holistically; that life just is the way it is.  From the space of meditative Awareness there is acceptance and allowing for everything – including depression – that needs to be brought into daily living.  And, I am once again reminded that it’s how we *see* life that makes the difference - the perception.  That too is a key to staying open and aware to what life offers us.

“Think in ways you never thought before.
If the phone rings, think of it as
carrying a message,
larger than anything you’ve ever heard…

When someone knocks on the door,
think that he’s about to give you
something large:
tell you you’re forgiven,
or that it’s not necessary to work all the time,
or that it’s been decided that
if you lie down
no one will die…”

Robert Bly
excerpt from Morning Poems

Via – Love Is a Place

Who’s knocking at your door?
What message is life bringing you
disguised as a distraction, as depression,
as frustration?

You might be surprised!
Knock, Knock… J

What Lies at the Bottom of the Barrel...

I’ve been experiencing more of the “Winter Blues” lately. Have been feeling a bit melancholy, especially at twilight. I thought I hit the bottom of the barrel a week ago, but no, there was more, and it’s been very intense. So I had to look into the bottom of the barrel. There was something unexpected waiting.

Her visit wasn’t convenient; this being the Holiday Season and all where one is not supposed to be melancholy, dark, and sad – but joyous and cheerful. It’s not a switch one can just turn on, or off. Ho-Ho-Ho. I didn’t intend to feel this way. She just showed up unexpected one evening and stayed 5 days.

Sometimes she was felt as heartache – a longing for love; sometimes a wrenching gut feeling of the pain and grief of an undefined loss that felt like a crushing pressure. She was every memory of sadness as a child – that usually occurred at twilight - and losses of loved ones over the years – remembered at twilight. It was as if I was being emptied out of every painful feeling and experience from the past. As uncomfortable as it was, I stayed open to her. I knew deep inside she was a “guide from beyond”, as Rumi calls it, and so I welcomed her in each day, sat with her and listened.

It was revealed that “Melancholy” – this Divine Miss M - was really a deep longing for *living;* for engaging fully with Life!; for connecting with and experiencing love for life, communing with life *in* the living of it, and allowing myself to be *absorbed* by Life living me.

I reflected that life has primarily been a series of events, people, drama, crises that I have reacted to, struggled with, and against, and felt threatened by over the years – consequently missing opportunities to love; withdrawing sometimes instead from the harshness and difficulties of living, thinking there was something “better” in being on a “spiritual path.” But I recognized that I never fully engaged with Life! And now there is this impulse to fully engage – to creatively engage. There is a sense of urgency to *feel* life happening, to pay attention to life – in the waning years of life… The “how” has yet to be revealed.

After these insights, in sitting meditation, I relaxed and dropped into the Silence within, as I usually do. And in a fleeting moment I became inwardly aware of what lies at the bottom of the barrel. It was/ is “love.” I know that sounds trite. It’s not “love” as we have come to know it. It’s not the “in love” kind of love that oscillates and changes; or the sweet ooey-gooey kind of love that is just words that drop from the tongue and onto the floor, missing the heart. It’s “The Beloved’s Love” – a steady, equanimous, sustaining love that is always present, never wavering. This “love” that lies at the bottom of every experience, thought, feeling, emotion, physical function etc., can only be described as a spacious openness in which everything occurs. Love enfolds life within Itself; is in a sense, “in love” with ItSelf – how could it not be. And we are the animation of that Love - loving. It turns out that “melancholy” (as with any feeling) is a portal, a gateway to - Love.

I only touched on this love briefly, fleetingly. In trying to capture it with my mind it escaped from view. But for a brief moment I was aware that Love resides in the depths of living – feelings and all. And what a surprise it was one morning to cut into a tomatoe and find this heart deep inside! The “gift” from beyond. :)

Melancholy stayed 4 more days – emptying me out and opening me up. And Love merely *allowed* melancholy to be here, embracing her - until she melted away into the twilight - the space between the light and the dark…

The twilight keeps calling to me to open to the space where Love abides – to keep recognizing it. Now I go outside and walk at twilight - not with melancholy – but *feeling* life living. And in experiencing life intimately, I experience the spaciousness of Love that lies at the bottom of everything!

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival…

A joy, a depression, a meanness.
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all,
even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi


“the longing you feel for this love
comes from inside you…”

“Love is the cure.
For your pain will keep giving birth
to more pain
until your eyes constantly exhale love
as effortlessly as you body
yields to its scent.”

Rumi


“Rumi tells us that the supreme secret of
the inner journey is the path of love.
If we can possess our whole heart
with contemplation of ‘The Beloved’
we will experience the wonders
and beauty of the universe.”

(I don’t remember where I got this :)

Life Just Keeps Happening...

Listening to the rain at the window,
trying to calm this frazzled body
after another week in the “family vortex.”

Listening to the sound of the rain come and go,
as storms roll through,
one after another this night…

The rain hits the large zucchini leaves in the neighbor’s garden,
tick, thunk, tick…
and the metal downspout,
clink, plank, clink…
Delightful sounds ~

I watch lightening streak through the sky,
cutting through the clouds;
dancing a beautiful light show.

Life just keeps happening…

That’s what nature teaches me -
Life just keeps happening no matter what.
It always amazes me how nature just keeps being itself.
The world keeps grinding on, despite what’s going on in our personal lives;
or physical bodies.

Life just keeps happening…

Although sometimes I feel like my body is caught in a grinder,
being pulverized by life…

So I come to sit at the window at night to regain a sense of Self,
to come back to nature for a bit of rejuvenation;
to sit in Silence of ‘The Beloved’

Life just keeps happening…

It seems the “remedy” for this helter-skelter life I’m living is awareness –
just stopping –
being aware of nature –
the sights, the smells, the sounds;
aware of the Life that is living here;
aware of the Silence that breathes me…

And rest ~

Deep rest ~

Doing nothing ~

Just Being ~

Just listening ~

to Life happening.

~

Storms roll through…

The family vortex spins…

And Life just keeps happening…


~ ♥ ~


Mystic Meandering
copyright
July 2011


Art: Bee Vortex

I actually did this one several weeks ago
but it seemed fitting for this post.
It is a combination of a couple of colors
but one in particular kept dragging,
creating these splotches,
giving it a rather
hectic look,
like a vortex of bees…

Or maybe that’s just my
projection at the moment :)

Inner Wave "Window"

Wednesday I did the “Inner Wave” video by Gabriel Roth as my “exercise.” It was a video I had stashed away in my cabinet, in the same stack with Richard Simmons… The back cover says – “Surrender to the Dance” – “With ‘The Inner Wave’ you will investigate stillness, the mother of all rhythm, through a meditative dance journey with this pioneer of ecstatic dance… As you surrender to the dance, exploring and improvising with every part of your body, you will experience how ecstatic dance can clear your mind and open your heart, and allow you to touch the stillpoint within.” Oooo, my kind of exercise!

I cleared the den of clutter and coffee table, put the video on and stood waiting – poised. As soon as the video started playing I *knew* intuitively that this was what I was meant to be doing. You intuitively know when something feels “right” for you. Emotions stirred from within.

As soon as I started moving with the music there was a huge emotional release, as if years of stuffed feelings and stifled life let go. Feelings of grief and sadness broke free from the body, mind and heart, along with feelings of longing for the Divine. I know, here’s that separation thing again – but this was my experience. The movement immediately got me in touch with the *flow* of emotions that were just waiting under the surface. As I moved, I emoted. As I expressed I felt my heart open and let go of its contents in torrents and waves of emotion – washing through me from deep within – releasing pain, grief and sadness. It was quite intense, and very freeing… No drama, just pure expression…

It was a natural dance, rising up from within: a natural, spontaneous movement of life and a natural expression of the feelings that had been trapped in the body and heart - being stuffed with food… They were now moving through - dancing them out, letting them move me, and moving with them.

Maria, from Liminal Light, left a comment a few posts back that said in part: “Feel the movement of the emotion. Pay attention to the movement of emotion.” The dance physically allowed for awareness of this inner movement of the emotion… Ecstatic dance gave spontaneous expression to what’s inside, which ultimately turns out to be the Aliveness within – the alive, aware, awake Stillness that moves all life. Through this creative and artistic form the Formless is met and feelings are danced out in natural rhythms that rise and fall from the space of Origin; danced out from the space beyond ideas, concepts, feelings and compulsions – the field of Awareness.

The music that played in the background was a gentle pulse of drums called “Bardo” by Gabriel Roth and the Mirrors. How appropriate – taking me to the in-between space, the place of alchemy, dissolving the “self” and just purely Being… One with the movement. One with the moment. Sweet Ecstasy…

There is nothing that could be more symbolically suited for me at this time than this dance exercise. It felt deeply spiritual, like a Divine Dance with The Essence of all Dance, as well as the shadows of the “self” – in an alchemy of movement. It was like returning to an inner Flow – the Tao – the Inner Wave - as the sense of self dissolved in the Dance, and each movement became the expression of the deeper Rhythm.

However, in my exuberance I over-stressed this aging body with its chronic kidney and health issues. I haven’t felt well for the past few days. It has affected me internally. I’m sure I opened a few meridian points and channels, releasing blocked energy. So there’s probably a little cleansing going on as toxins leave my system, both physically and emotionally. Consequently my “exercise” regimen is on hold for the time being until this body re-harmonizes itself. Honestly I’m a little bummed because I love this form of “exercise!” - dance as "spiritual practice." But I continue to watch the video as there is something that moves me within even watching it….

~*~

You can view a small portion of “The Inner Wave” with Gabriel Roth on YouTube. The first couple of minutes, as she is speaking, is especially moving :)

Gabriel Roth’s website is: http://www.gabrielleroth.com/

May we all dance in beauty…
May we all dance in peace…
May we all dance as One…

In Stillness let your dance be...

Gabriel Roth

~*~

Fun-Qi Art™ - Christine

Mystery Dancing Window

Life is the Formless,

dancing in form…

There is always an invitation

to dance with this ‘Mystery’

in whatever form it comes in -

through feelings,

through the body,

through the mind,

through the heart.

Every feeling, event, circumstance,

relationship

is an invitation to Dance

in the mystery of Life.

Everything is an invitation

from the Heart of Awareness,

to see beyond the barriers of beliefs,

beyond the shadows of the “self”,

beyond the veil of “me” ~

to open the window

and Dance…

~*~

“At the still point of the turning world,

neither flesh or fleshless,

neither from nor towards,

at the still point, there the dance is….

…Except for the point, the still point,

there would be no dance.

And there is only the dance…”

T.S. Elliot

~*~

Soft Heart Window

Window sitting is having a rather subtle but welcome affect on this Heart of mine. There is an opening and a softening that just wants to take life in, with more of an in-the-moment, spontaneous, moment-to-moment existence – and – wants to express its softness, its gentleness, its kindness.

This Heart softening, I’ve noticed, seems to “allow” a lot more than it used to. People and the circumstances of life are given more lee-way, unopposed, unresisted. There is less of a need for argument – well sometimes. I notice that being loving, being compassionate, is really just meeting people where they are… Just accepting and embracing people and life circumstances without agenda, without preconceived ideas of how it ought to be.

The realization that there is a loving, compassionate Nature that lives inside this Heart softens this sense of “me”, makes it more transparent. It usually felt a need to guard itself from others with anger, criticism, judgment, cynicism, and suspicion – even humor.:) And then of course there was also apathy and detachment. For a long time I have felt there was a hole in my Heart where love should be, but I recognize lately that love lives deeply inside the hole, and often comes out unexpectedly – particularly in the moments of other people’s suffering – the collective human condition. I realize that feeling compassion for “the collective” is safe. It allows me to *feel* those Heart strings play, which may be the entryway into a more personal expression of the Heart one-to-one. This hidden Heart that deeply feels has always been here. I seem to remember her when she was young and innocent, and expressed more easily. But she went into hiding. And sometimes she surprises me (and everyone else) when she comes out! Who *is* this that *feels* this – this – “love” ?! Oh my – the Heart is shining through! Quick I need some sunglasses!

I have noticed her coming out several times lately – especially with my blog friends who will always have a special place in my Heart. Then last week, when I was leaving a parking lot, I noticed there had been a rather bad accident at the entry/exit driveway, which necessitated my finding a different exit. As I wound my way through the parking lot I kept looking over to see what I could see – a lot of people milling around in no apparent distress, a police car and fire truck, and a car that had been broad-sided by a pick-up truck – ouch. I was surprised by the well-up of emotion inside. My Heart opened and I felt compassion for the people involved. It was uncontrived and undemonstrative. It was a spontaneous Heart response to the experience of people in fear, shock and trauma.

Now, just so you don’t get the wrong impression, I am not oozing love here. This Heart softening somehow hasn’t yet embraced certain unnamed family members who still manage to push my buttons. But hey, one step at a time, right? I mean, I’m no saint – or yogi – or guru – or…. There are people who, and situations that, still irritate, chafe and send me into the gnarly-snarlies… But we won’t go into that right now. I rather enjoy this Heart softening at the moment, feeling the freedom that is beginning to dance here. There is a living inspiration here in this Heart that opens softly and gently to touch and *feel* life dance in all its forms – loving it!

~*~

“Your task is not to seek for love,

but merely to seek and find

all the barriers within yourself

that you have built against it.”

Rumi

~*~

The photo is the center of a quilt wall hanging that my mother made.

It reminded me of a window with 4 panes…

A Heart quilt window…

"No Resistance"

I was mulling over life’s challenges at 1am this morning – our usual bedtime - feeling an inner unsettledness about many of our life situations at the moment. I know many of you can relate. :) As I lay there I brought my attention to the inner awareness underneath it all – the awareness of Awareness. I felt the pulse and flow of this alive, inner Presence running through my body. Some call it “resting in awareness.” But as always – this “other” awareness of where life is going, or not going, kept arising – and the resulting inner conflict because of the thoughts *about* that.

My husband and I discussed what little we know of Aikido in relation to our life circumstances. It’s actually a martial arts practice that can be applied to any conflict situation. It dawned on both of us that practicing the principles of Aikido – presence and fluidity - doesn’t have to be about a particular conflict with a particular person or situation, but can be applied to life in general.

As I settled in for the night the words “No Resistance” arose in me, like a clear, clean breeze. I could feel my body immediately relax its tension and I took in a deep breath. It was as if the phrase deeply resonated in my body – and had a physical impact - particularly the ‘No.” “O” is a very open letter – it allows and embraces all that is contained within it – which seemed like a good metaphor for life last night at 1:30am. I understand the concepts of “radical acceptance”, “resting in awareness”, and living “life as it is”, but there is no inner *resonance* with these words. They are nice mental concepts to me - *ideas* of how I *should* be doing things. But for some reason I had a felt experience of “letting go” with the words “No Resistance.” So this is my current mantra, my practice. Today when I started to feel inner mental and emotional conflicts about life, I brought my awareness to “No Resistance” - and something relaxed in me and I moved on. I also began to see just how resistant I am! I was actually pleasantly surprised by this today, as I sensed a shift beginning in my orientation towards life…

“Noooooooo”, which we normally think of as being negative, is really such an open word, I surprisingly discovered. When you say it internally, like a whisper, and prolong the oooooo sound – it opens something up. It’s not really a resistance word. Same thing with conflict. We are so conditioned to believe that conflict is negative, that there shouldn’t be any conflict in our lives, externally or internally, and we resist and fight it to regain a sense of peace and equanimity. And yet, conflict just is. It is just energy, patterns of energy that can be met just like anything else – with awareness. I see that if I’m just *aware* of what comes to me, and my reactions to it, without *seeing* it *as* “conflict” – as opposition, as preventing me from living the life “I” want :), as interruption, as something to resist, this changes how I meet it. I can *see* it as just an energy flowing through. The conflict *and* resistance to it are just energies… Seeing this changes my relationship with life. This is a principle of Aikido.

Aikido teaches the philosophy of acceptance, of embracing rather than trying to get rid of conflict. It is a blending *with*, a dance *with* the energy of conflict, which creates a new form of energy. By dancing with the energy of conflict with “no resistance” a flexibility arises which allows a response, rather than a reaction, to the new form that conflict takes. By going with the energy, struggle is avoided and the energy gets re-directed – seems almost magical. I’m a beginner in this area of “no resistance.” It seems I have tilted at the windmills of the challenges that have been presented to me my whole life, so changing this inner paradigm may take a while. :) I still feel a reactiveness underneath the surface. But by turning inward and acknowledging – “No Resistance” – it allows me to stay aware in the moment, and feels like a soothing elixir, relaxing the old, irritated, over-reactive neural pathways, and redirecting the signals to be in harmony with the way things are…

~*~

Willing to Dance...

Thursday I hit a wall. My body would not agree to do anymore. It was electrically buzzing, as if all circuits had been overloaded. They had. Something was off kilter and would not function. I was definitely out of sync with my Self – living at the surface of life instead of at the depths. Five and one half weeks of family crises, emotional and mental stress, as well as physical caretaking physically and emotionally drained me. I am not used to living at such a pace on any level, out of rhythm with my own rhythms. So the body just said – STOP! PLEASE! So of course there was no choice… I landed on the couch about noonish, and there I stayed, except for cooking lunch and dinner. My body was “out of service.”

I am aware that part of the fatigue (both physically and emotionally) is a constant sense of stress and anxiety that got triggered with this new round of life experiences. I am also aware that it is a lifelong habitual mind created fear and anxiety. There is a deep neuronal groove there. An underlying fear has always been my life’s companion since childhood. And here she was again – pounding at my door. I thought I had gotten rid of her on my “spiritual path” – at least had diminished her to a more “manageable” level over the years. I was disheartened by her incessant knocking again. I could feel her gripping my solar plexus, contracting and contorting me. Over the last few weeks I have tried to ignore her and just keep pushing forward – hoping that keeping busy would keep me from experiencing her dreaded presence. I realized at the same time how stupid that was, as she was making her presence known anyway, peeking in through the windows, trying to come down the chimney. She was no longer willing to be kept at bay. I tried breathing techniques, journaling about it, meditating, and was very *aware* of the mind blizzard that was giving her an opportunity to seep under the door. But none of these “worked.” She would not be satisfied until she was *acknowledged* - meeting her in the dungeon. But I resisted her relentless pain and torture – until Friday morning.

I awoke Friday morning in the grip of fear once again. I thought maybe sleep would magically make things better. :) I had a busy day ahead: helping my sister with a shower, being emotionally present, taking her to her afternoon appointment, picking up groceries, etc. I didn’t know how I would be able to do all this with a body that wasn’t working well. It created anxiety just thinking about how I was going to function! I breathed into the lower dan-tien, as I do every morning, repeating – “Awareness.” This time I was just trying to bypass the torture that was going on in the mind and gut. I thought if I could just get the energy flowing, feel a little more grounded, the gut-wrenching grip would clear itself and this innate sense of fear would subside. It was slightly assuaged, yet still hung on. So I shifted my awareness and breath to the solar plexus – breathing into the painful presence of fear. I allowed myself to really feel it without resisting, or flinching, or avoiding. With my inner vision I began to open the door - to *see* what was hiding there in the dark. There was no boogeyman. There were no writhing snakes, no chained monster with long tail and breathing fire. It was just – pain and contraction – just fear.

In the shower that morning I had a purging realization. Some of my best insights happen in the shower, where I am naked and vulnerable and alone. All the barriers come down – and surrender happens. In a purging moment of surrender I blurted out to the fear: I am willing to dance with you! I am willing to dance with you! I am willing to dance with you!

No, fear did not magically leave, but there was a release of her tight grip. She knew she had gotten my attention, that I was listening at a deeper level now - that I was willing. I was willing to hear her, to feel her, to dance with her – to let her open me. That hasn’t completely happened yet either, but the door is ajar with a less fearful sense of fear. We’ve entered a new dance that *allows* her presence here. I felt a renewed strength in the willingness to just be with her, and to let her be with me – companions dancing through this life experience. Amazlingly I was able to function at a higher level throughout the day.

And so, you may be asking – what does this have to do with the above picture of the post-it note message that says: Compassion Invites – “fierce presence” – Dancing with Life… Each note was written at separate times over the last year or so and just placed on the cabinet door. They happen to fall into this order. In the meeting of the fear that morning the statement they make together made sense. When we are compassionate with our “dark places” there is a “fierce presence” that allows us to meet them, to dance with them – Dancing with life.

That morning I re-wrote it to read: Compassion allows - fear’s presence – dancing with life… That made sense to me too. And so I dance… Willingly…

The Good "What Ifs..."

It seems so many of us are presented with so many challenges of just living these days, of just making it through life, whether it’s physical challenges, health challenges, emotional, financial. We’re even facing challenges of a more spiritual nature as we collectively shift into a new consciousness – being challenged to go beyond our traditionally held belief systems and ways of being in the world.

They all have their litany of “what ifs.” What if I become physically incapacitated? What if we go bankrupt? What if we lose the house? What if the business fails? What will happen then… Even “spirituality” seems to offer its challenges, which creates its own set of “what ifs.” For instance, when I left the religion of my childhood 22 years ago I wondered – what if I am condemned to hell for “leaving the faith?” Or, what if I’m going down the wrong path? What if I lose favor with “God”? - as if any of these were possible. At the time the questions seemed pertinent. But I couldn’t focus on the “what ifs” – I had to follow the longing of my Heart.

This weekend while hibernating in my cave with flu-like symptoms, I browsed the bookshelves for something light to read, something inspirational that would take my mind off how I was feeling. I pulled out another book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer that I had read about 8 years ago, called: The Dance: Moving to the Rhythms of Your True Self. (Okay, there’s that little theme again – Rhythms).

I flipped the pages open to the “Prelude” and started reading. It was a list of “What If” questions. I’ll share the ones that spoke to me.

What if your contribution to the world and the fulfillment of your own happiness is not dependent on discovering a better method of prayer, or technique of meditation; not dependent upon reading the right book or attending the right seminar, but upon really seeing and deeply appreciating yourself and the world as they are right now?

What if there was no need to change, no need to try to transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving or wise?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature – gentle, compassionate and capable of living fully and passionately present?

What if the essence of who you are and always have been is enough?

What if you knew that the impulse to move in a way that creates beauty (peace, love, compassion, etc) in the world will arise from deep within you and guide you every time you simply pay attention and wait?

She then asks:

How would (all) this shape your stillness, your movement, your willingness to follow this impulse, to just let go and dance?

Wow – now there’s a list of “what ifs” to ponder when faced with life challenges! I obviously needed to read this list! How would asking these questions change the way we look at our challenges and *where* we look for our answers?

It seems the “good what ifs” turn us inward to find the “answers” within ourselves, to follow the longing of the Heart and not focus on a frail and fragile future “what if” that may never come about, and only keeps us in fear-thinking.

What if the “what ifs” brought us back to our True Self, where we see that we are inherently imbued with the capacity to meet *any* life situation with grace and equanimity, where we discover our capability to move with the ebb and flow of life’s events. And what if we could *know* this in our Heart of Hearts!? And what if all it takes is a shift in perception, a shift in *identity* with the fearful “what if” self to the Beingness that we truly are – The Essence that dances with life as it is… Even saying this feels foreign to me. Like it’s a new dance, and I don’t know the steps.

I’m signing up for dance lessons…