Exploring Emotions - Kathleen Knipp

The goal is not to replace one's experience with another...
but accepting the entirety of life...  Be fully present for
what is here - instead of distracting ourselves...
Be intimately with yourself [using] somatic inquiry
into what's being felt and how it expresses itself as
sensation [in the body] getting a sense of what is
felt in the body.

You can also use inquiry to get a sense of what is
really Essential, what is really pulling you to what really
matters for you, using whatever we have as inner resource
or inner sanctuary...  What helps us to feel safe and feel what
is here.  Make the feeling sense as vivid as possible.

Our approach to meeting whatever is present is not aggressive,
but of receiving and welcoming.  What is seeking to be felt -
feel what presents itself.  What is the sensation you are drawn
to repeatedly?  Can you feel it without interpretation?

Let the emotion present itself and meet it.
What does it actually feel like?  Is there a part of the body
where this emotion expresses itself, or does it move around?
If there is no particular emotion present, be with what is here...

Slide behind the emotion, even dive inside, feel it from the
inside without conclusions, explanations, or stories.  Focus on
the sensation and be curious with wide open availability and
fully embodied...

Kathleen Knipp
Excerpts from a Yoga Nidra Meditation

 

Thresholds - John O'Donohue

Like Spring secretly at work within the heart of Winter,
below the surface of our lives
huge changes are in fermentation.
We never suspect a thing.
Then when the grip of some
long-enduring winter mentality
begins to loosen,
we find ourselves
vulnerable
to
a
flourish
of
possibility

and we are suddenly negotiating
the challenges

of
a threshold...

At any time you can ask yourself:
At which threshold am I now standing?
At this time in my life, what am I leaving?
Where am I about to enter?

A threshold is not simply a boundary;
it is a frontier
that divides two different territories,
rhythms, and atmosphere.

Indeed, it is a lovely testimony
to the fullness and integrity
of an experience or a stage of life
that intensifies toward the end
into a real frontier
that cannot be crossed without
the heart being passionately
engaged
and
woken up.

At this threshold
a great complexity of emotion
comes alive:

confusion,
fear,
excitement,
sadness,
hope.

This is one of the reasons
such vital crossings
were always clothed in ritual.

It is wise in your own life
to be able to recognize and acknowledge
the key thresholds;
to take your time;
to feel all the varieties of presence
that accrue here;
to listen inward
with complete attention
until you hear
the inner voice

calling you
forward:

The time has come
to cross.

John O'Donohue
Excerpts from: To Bless the Space Between Us
(I put the excerpts into prose poem format)

~

...I find myself navigating the challenges of a major
threshold - an unexpected visitor has arrived, creating
an unexpected threshold and transition in life -
from a fairly quiet, slower paced, contemplative lifestyle,
now thrown into the role of a caregiver for a sibling, who
requires my constant attention - while the TV runs all
day long; background noise to a life thrown into chaos

I am having to find my own little quiet sanctuary both within
myself and in the house; as my house is no longer
my "sanctuary."

My life is cluttered with noise - full of distractions and
interruptions that muddle the mind with the over-stimulation.

And I wonder, why I must cross this particular threshold at this
time in my life - my elder years.  And how do I navigate and
negotiate the challenges that are being presented and still
maintain a sense of sanity...

It has been a difficult threshold for sure: exhausted and
stressed most of the time - unable to keep up the pace;
needing to remember to "step back", to disengage from the
emotions that are rising up, and bring my attention to the
Essence of my own Being; not allowing the stress and
anxiety to engulf me - and the new way I am living -
which is so foreign to my own rhythm with life,
and with my soul...

I know many of you out there have been "caregivers" for
a family member.  I would be interested in hearing your experience
 and how you were able to transition into a new way of living
without losing yourself - your own rhythms with life...

You can email me at:
mysticmeandering@gmail.com

_/\_

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Found Notes - MM

"There are no shortcuts to what lies beyond."

"There is poetry in emotion that needs to be expressed -
allowing yourself to be raw and open to what arises..."

"letting life take care of itself,
being open to where life goes..."

~

I found this piece of paper that these notes were hand-
written on, on top of some papers that were in a stand-
alone plastic file holder - as shown in the photo - on a
table next to my desk - very noticeable from where I
sat, noticing something was out of place, as messy as
it is :) - as if they were left for me to see...

I have no idea who said them!, or where I got them
from...  But wanted to share them as they seem
relevant for life as we are experiencing it at the
moment...

Namaste

_/\_

Follow Your Genuine Self - Eric Baret

Fear, rage, love, sadness or any other emotion
with no apparent cause are bursting bubbles in a
boiling magma back to the heart of what is essential.

Lacking in clarity, we link the emotion to a situation,
and allow it to disturb our peace.  In reality, emotion
points to the heart.  When we refuse an emotion we are
simply postponing life.  Emotion is inherently free of
thought or knowledge.  If we remain present to our
emotions, the habit of attributing them to an external
cause will, sooner or later, fall away.

If you meet someone who is at peace, you can feel peace
in their presence.  The important thing is to realize that this
peace you feel is your own emotion as well.....experience
this openness that you experience in the so-called other.
Stay present to it...  What you feel in the other is also
your experience...

You might occasionally go to listen to [a spiritual teacher],
but you realize what you hear to be true on his lips is
your own truth.... 

You must follow yourself when you feel a true emotion.
You might be reading a text by Meister Eckhart and an
emotion arises in you.  Close the book; the text will fall away.
The important thing is the tear sliding down your cheek.  This
is your treasure, your direction, your teaching.  It is what
you must follow, must listen to....

Eric Baret

Via - No Mind's Land

~

There is something that waits and listens for the sound of
the genuine in yourself.  Can you find a way to hear the
sound of the genuine in yourself?  Do you know who you
genuinely are?

Howard Thurman

A Story of Unexpected Compassion

While at the cardiologist's office last week, signing in with the receptionist, asking her some questions, a woman suddenly appeared behind me.  She interrupted in a frantic, anxious voice, obviously distressed:

"I don't mean to interrupt, but I just need to know when my appointment is because I have an echogram scheduled down the hall and I want to make sure I don't miss my appointment with the doctor."

I gently responded " no problem" to her interruption and stepped aside while she frantically went on.  I immediately noticed a portion of a vertical scar on her chest above the open top of her blouse - a sign of open heart surgery.

She was a fairly young (through my 68 year old eyes) short woman, disheveled, with stringy, dirty-blonde hair.  And even though it was nearly 60 degrees with no snow on the ground, she wore snow boots and a winter coat that sat cockeyed on her shoulders as she flailed her arms about excitedly; the unbuttoned coat flapped around as she flailed, in very apparent anxiety.  She reminded me of one of those odd characters in stories or movies, who interrupt a scene to bring awareness to something; to get your attention.  I could see the stress and fear on the woman's face, and in her body motions...  It was a familiar look and feeling.  I could relate...  I saw myself in her - although not quite as exaggerated - but often how I feel inside...

She kept apologizing for interrupting, and I kept saying it was no problem at all, that I understood; trying to put her at ease.

The receptionist, somewhat guarded, responded to her in a firm, almost stern voice - that her appointment was at 2:30 (it was now just after 1pm), and that she had time to get her echocardiogram done and come back in time for her appointment.  The woman left in a hurry, scuffing her snow boots across the carpeted floor.

I finished with the receptionist and took a seat, waiting for my turn.

After my visit with the doctor, I came out to a full waiting room - a sea of faces.  As I stood at the desk to make another appointment, I turned and saw the disheveled woman sitting there - fidgeting.  While I waited for the scheduler to attend to me, as she made no acknowledgment of my presence, I turned to the woman and said: "I see you made it back ok" - smiling.

She exhaled a long drawn out "yessss", looking frazzled - making more antsy body movements in her chair.

I said to her - "I have anxiety too" and smiled again, just wanting to soothe the woman's obvious internal suffering, as I knew deeply what that feels like - to be so anxious, to be so wound up inside that calmness doesn't seem possible at times.  And how "peace" often feels like a noble idea, just out of reach, while my frenetic mind and body take over, just like hers did.

I am haunted by the memory of her now - knowing how painful it is to go through life with such emotional intensity and the fear that lies hidden in the body, erupting in uncontrollable outbursts of anxiety at times - or heart problems :) - when awareness fails - although I have learned to meet it when the fearful mind arises, embracing it - trying to ride out its ferocity...  still...  I know how it feels when it is out of control...

Afterwards I was very aware that "I" didn't *decide* to be compassionate, yet Something in me responded automatically to her, from the Heart.  Compassion arose unexpectedly; a heartfelt response to reach out to someone in trouble - emotionally.

How ironic - in the cardiologist's office, where they take care of hearts, that I would experience a real Heart opening for another human being; meeting her where she was in her fear, not making judgments about her behavior...  Maybe that was a reflection, just a little glimpse in the mirror, of who "I" truly am - the True Self within.  Deep inside this fearful heart beats a Heart of Compassion...  I find that somehow comforting...

It's there in all of us, our True Nature, if we only open to it...

_/\_

Namaste

Please note:  this is not written to say how wonderful I am.  It's not about "me" being compassionate, but how the Heart opened and compassion arose unexpectedly.  How the disheveled woman came to me to teach me that it is there even when I don't realize it.  The woman's "condition" slowed my mind and gave me a different perspective.  I am forever grateful to the disheveled woman, and send her blessings wherever she is...

~*~

The only difference between "you" and "me"
are the words and concepts of "you" and "me."
The Source of everything is the same
- Love and Compassion -
this is [the True] Self.

Papaji

I Cry for Sirens - Revisited...

Some time ago, as I was driving to my mother's, I passed an ambulance
speeding down the fast lane, coming from the opposite direction;
lights flashing, sirens blaring, horn frantically honking to get the traffic
ahead of it out of the way.  I immediately started to cry.  I had forgotten
that since childhood the sound of ambulance sirens makes me cry...
It's as if my heart leaps out of my chest, knowing that whoever is in that
ambulance is in trouble and needs help.  I can hear it in the sirens - of
course - that's what they're for.

I recognized this strange phenomenon as the heart of compassion. I felt
the heart of compassion that actually lives here wake up again.  I had
never thought of it that way before.  I've always tried to hide this little
quirk of crying at the sound of sirens; to stuff those feelings, to stop
 myself from crying, to hide the love that wants to express itself...
 I thought there was something emotionally wrong with me.

I recognized the tender heart of compassion within - crying *for*
 someone in trouble, in danger, maybe dying, in pain and possibly
 suffering.  It has always been here, since childhood - this little heart
 of compassion.  It has been covered over with layers and layers of fear;
 not allowing myself to overtly *feel* and express the heartache and
compassion for a suffering world. I also hid it behind a mask of
adulthood, and a mask of "spirituality." That's easy to do in some
 "spiritual circles", you know - to not feel, to hide what you feel behind
 a mask of ideology, belief,  ritual or religiosity.  "Spirituality" becomes
 clinical, intellectual, philosophical - detached...

I learned to wear the "spiritual mask" early in life, and later in life to
talk myself into lofty, wordified "spiritual" places.  Please slap me if
I do it again. :)  I learned on the particular "spiritual path" that I was on
that there is no "me", and therefore, no "other" because there is only
this esoteric Beingness.  The danger of misinterpreting that is that
another's pain then somehow becomes invisible - instead of
 recognizing that our pain is all the same. How ironic.
We separate ourselves from one another's heartache - dismissing it as
 just a story of a "me" that doesn't exist -  because feeling another's pain
 leaves us too vulnerable,  too engaged;  and because we'd have to
face our own - heartache that is.
  I know this experience is not true for all of us - this detached place
 of no feeling. I hid my Heart.  But - the Heart remembers - and Love
*sees*, hears, notices, *feels*, and cares - with deep compassion...

Hearing the sirens again, the rawness of an unprotected, loving Heart
exploded in my chest.  And I remembered how that *feels*...  And I
rather liked it.  I hope I never lose it; never stop *feeling*, whether
it's sadness, grief, or love and joy.  I'm sure there will be more
opportunities as Life opens this Heart more and more...

I not only cried, I smiled, because I knew it meant that the Heart
that lives here is *Alive* - feeling - caring - loving...

~

I posted a version of this back in 2011.
It seemed appropriate to re-post it
in light of the events that are taking
place around the world now...

Namaste

_/\_

.

Overwhelm - Jeff Foster

Oh sweet little boy, beloved little girl,
you are so overwhelmed by life,
I know,
by the enormity of it all,
by the myriad perspectives available to you.

You feel so pressed down sometimes,
by all the unresolved questions,
by all the information
you are supposed to process and hold,
by the urgency of things.

You are overcome by powerful emotions,
trying to control,
or at least influence,
everything and everyone around you,
trying to hold yourself together,
trying to make it all 'work out' somehow,
trying to get everything done 'on time',
trying to resolve things so fast,
even trying not to try at all.

You are exhausted, sweet one,
exhausted from all the trying
and the not trying,
and you are struggling to trust life again.
It's all too much for the poor organism, isn't it.
You are exhausted, you long to rest.
And that is not a failing of yours,
nor a horrible mistake,
but something wonderful to embrace!

For the exhaustion is pure intelligence,
and it says, let go, let go! Stop trying so hard!

Stop pushing for answers right now.
Allow everything to rest right now.
Take a sacred pause.

Allow questions to remain unanswered, for now.
Allow space for yourself to breathe today.
Allow everything to fall out of control today.
Allow yourself to not be able to hold it all up today.
Allow yourself to not know how, to not know at all.

Allow the heart to break, if it needs to,
and the body to ache, and the soul to wake.

Everything is okay, when you get down to it.

And know you are loved, little one.
Know you have always been loved,
long before you were named,
long before you were even born,
long before overwhelm came to show you the way.

Jeff Foster

The Play of Emotion - Rafael Stoneman

Here I am Here again
Not again
But only Now
Though it seems that moments are repeating
It is really One continuous moment.

What changes and what remains the same?
Somehow through the prism of the mind
many moods appear in consciousness
although there is only one Ultimate mood.
This is the miracle of color
The play of emotion.
On the negative end of the scale
we condemn the negative.
But we imagine that we are on the positive end
when we seek ways to remove the negative.
How positive would we feel if there was only
the positive end of the scale?
If we are willing to sacrifice the pain
are we willing to sacrifice the pleasure?
Equanimity is a dear friend.
One that holds the same embrace
for praise and for blame.
The same space for fortune and

for misfortune.
The same face for respect
and betrayal.

Rafael Stoneman

via my friend Michel
at No Mind's Land
where I get a lot of
wonderful posts to reblog :)
Thanks Michel!

~

Photo - original pic was a fire in the fireplace,
digitally zoom blurred and color altered - magic :)

Go Lightly - Aldous Huxley

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.

Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

[…..]

…throw away your baggage and go forward.
There are quicksands all about you,
sucking at your feet,
trying to suck you down into fear
and self-pity
and despair.
That’s why
you must walk
lightly.

Lightly my darling, on tiptoes
and no luggage,
…completely unencumbered.

Aldous Huxley

from: Island

Dukkha with Revelations Please...

No, this is not the name of a new Cappuccino that I whipped up.  Dukkha is a Buddhist word that basically means suffering.  I am not a Buddhist, but the word best describes my recent experience.

It was December 29^th, our 34^th wedding anniversary.  It unexpectedly came with a load of *unconscious* expectations of how I *thought* it should be.  I had a lapse in consciousness and was operating in an old paradigm mode, wanting the day, and Dear Hubby, to be the way I wanted them to be, because after all it was a “special” day.  You know, like “The Holidays.”  It said so on the calendar, and in my mind.  We both *intended* for it to be a “special” day, so we orchestrated the day, trying to make it happen the way we envisioned it – or should I say the way *I* had it pictured in my mind.  DH was just fine with the way it was – of course. J  But disappointment was lurking on the horizon for me…

It started out fine.  We exchanged cards and expressions of our love for each other.  We drove to one of our favorite places about 40 mins outside the city-burbs to get away from the erratic, knotted, stuck city energy and be in the fluidity of open space and nature.  The shift in energy was dramatic.  We both felt the flow of energy change to a sweet, comforting embrace that surrounded us.  It was cold and blustery out, so there would be no walk in nature.  But we sat in the car in sweet silence at the trailhead, enjoying each other’s presence, basking in the warmth of the sun, enjoying the idyllic view of the surrounding foothills with a small town nestled in its curves, and trains slowly winding through the valley.  Picture perfect – so far… J  We were both content to just BE with each other…

Later that evening we went to dinner.  Darkness set in as I sat across the table from DH who stared at his plate not saying anything.  There it was – the familiar view: detachment, disengagement, non-participation.   And me feeling like I wasn’t on the radar screen, or at least a tiny blip that he could choose to see or not see.  It was a mirror of how I have often felt in this relationship.  (I know some of you must know what I’m talking about. :)  And the defensive responses when I raised the issue - with him saying that conversation can’t be forced, must be spontaneous, that I could not orchestrate *how* he was.  Well, okay, true, yes… But…

But I started feeling old emotions again - feeling invisible, unimportant, disappointed that the evening was not living up to my expectations.  There was that word again…  I wanted that wonderful feeling of resonance, of partnership, and an in depth spiritual/philosophical conversation that was also a hallmark of our relationship – which admittedly was usually spontaneous.    And I wanted to feel – important – the gaze across the table that says I will love you forever – even though he already said as much in his card.  But I wanted more…  I wanted Romance, attention, acknowledgement.  I wanted to *feel* special!   I-I-I…

Aye-yi-yi…  Enough already…

I couldn’t see then what I see now because the darkness of silent anger veiled the truth.  It was the anger of deep hurt – which came from believing that DH, and our relationship, should be other than what he/it is.  The feelings spilled over into the next day.  Ego was having its way with me - seducing me - and suffering ensued: Dukkha…  So it was time for a little authentic, heart to heart conversation with – myself - journaling…

Through writing it was revealed that I had been holding onto the thought/belief/expectation of the way the relationship/marriage was supposed to be, to feel; the expectation that it would provide *me*/ego-self with something concrete to hold onto – like a sense of security, of safety, a sense of being loved, or special…  I wondered how many of us live this way, thinking that “contentment” in life depends on feeling loved and secure by a partner.  And yet – I also realized that even in relationship, we are really still emotionally on our own journey in many ways.  No one person can meet our needs – I know this…  But I am not completely empty of “self” yet – the fabricated, conditioned self with its expectations of how relationships are “supposed” to be.  Just call me Eeyore…

I was faced with the truth, I must let go of my illusions/delusions *about* the relationship or suffer.  I needed to, once again, let go of the myth of marriage that I obviously have unconsciously still held in my mind all these years, as well as the myth of myself – the myth of the fabricated self.  The myth would no longer do, no longer satisfy.  I realized that the myth I held to was only a fantasy I had *believed* to be true.  The myth had cowled me, leaving me in darkness.  But I don’t want to remain a prisoner of the myth, or the darkness…

So – maybe this is the place in the story of “us” where I finally step off the edge, letting go of attachments, expectations, and old images - seeing things as they really are, allowing the relationship to be what it is and unfold as it does – appreciating the truth of it and loving the parts that work…

btw – DH has been looking up from his plate… J

Photo:

This is the original image of the above photo

Which just goes to show
there is always light in the darkness
if we are willing to adjust our perspective
and *see* it…

Pruning Trees - Pruning "The Situation"

For those who have been reading this blog for a while, you may remember my post on Creating a Heart Tree last year.  Our River Birch is old and last year much of it died off.  We did deep root fertilization both last Spring and this Spring to see how much of it might come back. And of course I put little heart stones, sage and Faerie ornamentation at it’s base to “help” – if only in my mind. :)  We love our symbols :)  It really started to come to life again last year – but only about half of it thrived.  As you can see, it remained bald on top.  So we spent Saturday pruning the dead wood.  Tree artists we are not, but we did a pretty good job I think.  It looks a little dwarfish, and asymmetrical.  Yet I love still having this little guy in the front yard.

 

Pruning: to remove dead parts to improve growth – to cut out what is superfluous…  Who knew that pruning a tree would become a metaphor for working with “the situation” that I spoke of in my previous post.

As we were pruning – me holding the rope and DH climbing the ladder with the chain saw to reach the dead wood - our neighbor came walking up the sidewalk with his chain saw in hand and offered to assist.  I mean, how can you refuse a man with a chain saw, despite “the situation”, right?  Yes, this is the same father of “the situation” from my last post.  Which once again proves to me that life is a continuously unfolding story, and we never know how it’s going to unfold.  My mind thought – this is interesting.  I wonder why he’s doing this.  How can I say anything to him about “the situation” now with this generous offer of help?  Actually his offer of kindness was quite skillful in a way – it diffused “the situation” for the moment.  So we exchanged pleasantries and gratitude and the pruning began.

As the three of us engaged in the act of pruning, focused on the tree, it became clear that now was not the time for discussion.  It became clear, to me anyway, that somehow this was a time of getting clear, clearing away my image of him as “enemy” and to see the essence of the situation, to let go of the mental stories I had been telling myself, and to experience his basic goodness and humanness – and mine as well – at the heart of the interaction…  This is not to make light of “the situation”, or to deny that there aren’t issues here that need to be addressed… I am still being watchful - but with more detached mindfulness, a deeper sense of awareness, and less of the mind reactive, angry energy that wants to “catch” his son in the act, to try to control his behavior and get him to see the “wrongness” of his actions.

As a wise commenter said on the last post, “make friends…”  And I interpret that to mean to make friends with “the situation” – not the kid - but the situation – to make peace with it. If I befriend the situation, then he and his son are no longer my enemies and I am at peace…  Bazinga!  Sometimes these irritants in life are offered as a way of seeing beyond the surface situation, to the pearl of wisdom in the situation.  The neighbor’s offer of help and presence working along side us actually diffused my emotional reactivity to “the situation” – my projection, my mental habituation about “the situation.”    And I think that had to happen before any discussion could occur.

With space from “the situation”, and pruning some of my emotional dead wood, I realize that I have been attached to my anger and reactivity about “the situation.”  Thus I was held captive in my own emotional castle of protection, feeling under siege, fortressing myself against “the enemy” by maintaining a reactive stance, instead of seeing clearly and responding from a clear space, as another wise commenter said – using  Manjusri’s sword…  But what I didn’t realize is that I would have to use that sword to cut my way through the veils that blinded me, and not bring my baggage into “the situation.”  It remains to be seen if I can actually do this – to stand in the clear ground of Being within and take the appropriate action without my mind-muddied passive aggressive reactiveness getting in the way.  Only time will tell…

Who knows what effect this “tree pruning” work will have on “the situation”, pruning out the dead wood of my emotions towards “the situation” – allowing a new awareness and consciousness to flow… For now there are no resolutions.   And yet I feel a door has been opened for the possibility of dialogue.  My heart has softened towards “the situation.”  I’m not about to do battle with a 13 year old.  I’m amazed that a 13 year old could create such anxiety, anger and reactivity in me!   There is still a sense of watchful waiting, of discerning the most effective approach.  Asking questions like: How do I need to engage here?  Through my self-imposed mental suffering about the situation, through a sense of wounded anger and “rightness” of my position, through a sense of false power that comes from a need for self-protection? Or, from a place of awareness of our shared humanity with an open heart…

The pruning continues…  It may take a while :)

Love In Motion

Yesterday afternoon my brother found out how fleeting life is – and everyone else did too, vicariously, through him. At the very least he found out how quickly life changes. He was coming down a ski slope on a mountain in New Hampshire where he works in the winter, although he was not working at the time. He lost control – no one knows how - left the slope and hit three trees. Fortunately he was skiing with a group of friends who saw it happen, and they were able to get to him quickly. He was face down and unconscious. He came to quickly, and evidently was in quite a bit of excruciating pain (and I imagine couldn’t breathe very well either.) He broke 5-6 ribs in several places, front and back; broke his shoulder blade; collapsed his lung and has a concussion. Fortunately there was no life threatening head trauma or spinal injuries. He was taken to the local hospital where he was stabilized and preliminary tests were done. Then he was transported by ambulance to the Maine Medical Center Trauma Unit in Portland, ME, nearly an hour away. They say he will be “okay,” although it will take several weeks of recovery. And with that many broken ribs I would imagine a lot of pain and difficulty breathing, as well.

I’m feeling emotionally impacted by this event – which surprises me… My brother and I were never close, yet I am deeply emotionally moved by *his* traumatic experience. I suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of *love* for my brother! And I am moved by that fact. Love has not been a free flowing emotion in my family, so I have been surprised, and a little unnerved, by these swells of repressed emotional waves. It also became important to me that my brother *know* that he was loved – to allow those swells of feeling to crash out onto the shore, be expressed – breaking free. Except I couldn’t talk to him…

It has also been a little unnerving not knowing exactly what’s going on, not being able to *do* anything, visualizing my 6’-2” little, obnoxious, stubborn-headed, invincible brother smacking into trees, helpless, vulnerable, and in pain. Plus, trying to get through to his life partner of 15 years, whose cell phone is not always working, finally making contact and hearing the trauma in her voice, was unnerving. I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone trying to find out as much as I can and keep my 81 year old mother encouraged with frequent phone calls.

So I would say I’m feeling a little challenged at the moment – challenged to keep perspective and not let the little me run off on its emotional journey of anxiety that often comes when I realize, over and over, that I’m not in control of where and how life goes. I’m also feeling challenged by this new movement of Love that I’m experiencing and don’t really know how to express. And I’m challenged by the uncertainties of life that this life experience made acutely clear. It is also clear that I can’t rescue anyone from their life experience or their pain and trauma. It has brought home, once again, the fact that life is just being lived - with its pain, sorrow, heartache, and trauma – in its Totality… You just have to show up. So I focus on what needs to be done, whatever is called for to meet this situation, and to offer what I can from 2000 miles away, or 30 minutes away – maintaining perspective and trusting in an ever-present Presence living Itself in *every* experience – Love in motion.

But it’s been a very weird day.

Photo - Bill Kennedy