Sherlock Holmes (2009)

I had a lot of trepidation when seeing the trailers for this film, because an action hero Sherlock Holmes is about the last thing I wanted to see. Not to say that action has never been a component of the novels or previous films and television episodes, but Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce have always remained my iconic duo of Holmes & Watson, capturing the essence of the stories I enjoyed as a young reader (as best they could for the period). But alas, Guy Ritchie's adaptation of the story is made to cater both to a modern audience and the fans of his 'slam, bam, thank you ma'am' filmmaking. It's not as cheeky and clever as a Snatch or level as his last Rock'n'Rolla, but it takes a pair of well-liked actors, throws them into the roles, and dazzles you with over 2 hours of thrills that certainly doesn't feel so long as you watch the action unravel.

Downey, Jr. and Jude Law are acceptable as the sleuth and his doctor/ bodyguard/companion, but I did not come out of this highly impressed. Downey's Holmes reminded me quite a lot of Johnny Depp's turn as Ichabod Crane from the Sleepy Hollow film (which was in turn inspired itself by Angela Lansbury and Basis Rathbone), though less quippy and a lot more of the rambling intellectual, as one requires from the brilliant detective's deductive nature. At times I felt it was a little forced, but who am I kidding? Downey obviously wanted to have fun with his role and that's all this movie is...popcorn chewing fun. More interesting to me are the lesser roles. Mark Strong may remind you of Andy Garcia, but he does a slick, classic nefarious turn as the devious snake oil 'occultist' Lord Blackwood. Eddie Marsan gives no less than his best with Inspector Lastrade, and Canadian-born titan Robert Maillet does a nice job as the French thug Dredger (a minor role, but the guy has character, let's see him in more). Rachel McAdams as the villainous Irene Adler is...well, forgettable.

Ritchie's Holmes film is like a James Bond near the close of the 19th century. You've got a hokey, ambitious plan from a diabolic villain, a dash of steampunk gadgetry, occult imagery (the Temple of the Four Orders might remind you of the Golden Dawn meets the Freemasonry), and a lot of explosions, narrow escapes and fist fighting action. I had been wary that this would be some sort of kung fu, Matrix-style action take on Holmes, and to an extent this is the case. But his fighting style here is based more on his ability to quickly deduce and plan a combination of hits than any Bruce Lee mystique, and we are treated with equal amounts of reason and deduction in the tradition of Arthur Conan Doyle's fiction. The story is rather meek, but it works enough to keep you entertained for the 2+ hours. About the only major gripe I had was that I felt the sequel setup was too obvious. Before seeing the film and realizing Blackwood would be the villain, I deduced that Moriarty would in fact appear as a nod to a planned sequel, but once would have been enough. Instead, they pretty much hammer it into you, and I'm surprised there weren't ushers waiting outside the theater trying to sell me advanced discount tickets. The question is, who will play Moriarty?

If you shut your mind off and just want a good time, this Sherlock Holmes is worth a single trip to the theater, preferably a matinee or at a discount. It's not too violent for the kids, and they will probably appreciate Downey's approach to the character and Ritchie's direction, which as usual wastes very little time cycling through the events. The location shots and the CG are very nice in the film, there are some great slices of nighttime London from the Thames and a lot of the minor characters have a nice swagger about them. The score is not the best Hans Zimmer of recent memory, but my companion seemed to enjoy it.

Look, mom, no spoilers!

Verdict: Win [7/10] (beneath this pillow lies the key to my release)

http://sherlock-holmes-movie.warnerbros.com/

2012 (2009)

Let's be honest. As soon as everyone saw the first trailer for 2012, we knew exactly how the movie was going to play out. A big budget Hollywood disaster film with oodles of special effects, near death escapes, moments of touching human drama, a cast that would represent the diversity of our cultures and how they would all somehow come together in moments of dire need. There would be death, but never too gruesome since it's almost all CG. There would be questionable science.

I am here to say, yes, we were right.

We've already seen this movie. A hundred times. Deep Impact. War of the Worlds (the Tom Cruise remake). The Day After Tomorrow. Independence Day. Yes, this is the same film, only starring John Cusack and an ensemble of other known actors in various predictable roles. Danny Glover is the President of the USA. Amanda Peet playing every mother who has divorced the main character in every film ever. Oliver Platt as the White House hardass who has to make the big decisions, which of course casts him in the light of the Great White Villain of this film (even though not a single decision he made was unreasonable...). Chiwetel Ejiofor and Thandie Newton as the bright young romantic interests. Perhaps the best character in the film is Woody Harrelson, playing a hippie conspiracy theorist radio DJ who gets the best scene in the entire movie. As for the rest? I could not have cared less. Oh, actually I like John Billingsley (Dr. Phlox, etc) in this film too. He's typecast as another scientist, but it's always good to see the man making some pay. Isn't it time we just gave him a film of his own? At any rate, these actors are just the tip of the iceberg. Stephen McHattie, Patrick Bauchau, George Segal and a slew of others appear in smaller roles.

You already know the story to 2012 because you've seen it before. If not, well, take this as your spoiler warning. A remote scientist discovers a strange, terrifying change in our universe? Check. An Indian copper miner has discovered that a large solar flare creates a neutrino storm that can microwave the Earth's core. Next, to convince THE MAN about the problem! Check. One of our protagonists (Ejiofor) is called in and then has to make his awkward report at the middle of a social gathering to the President's Environmental aid (Platt). Will a 'Noah's Ark' plan be enacted to save the rich that can afford passage once the shit goes down and the world blows up? Check. The arks are impressive here, giant armored ships that can take a beating while the Earth settles down. Because, sure, everything is alright in the end, if you've got a Billion Euros. Those evil whites and Chinese are once again flexing their economic muscles, even towards a world WHERE MONEY WILL NO LONGER HAVE VALUE BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DEAD. Though, grudgingly, as Platt's character admits, the Arks could not have been built without the money. So we'll leave this as a neutral point... Hell, in this film, Cusack's eye-rolling, emo boi is even named Noah! Thank you Captain Obvious!

Through the usual cliche string of coincidences, almost all the characters are connected here in some way. Characters you see in brief scenes at the beginning of the film will play important roles later. Cusack's Jackson Curtis happens to be a failed writer who Dr. Helmsley (Ejiofor) has read in the past, and takes his kids out to stumble across research conducted at Yellowstone by the government after a lake there has dried up. Then the troubles begin, and the film becomes a series of hair-raising escape scenes as Curtis and his family first flee the destruction of California in a limousine, then the destruction of California in a small aircraft...and then, hooking up with rich Russian Yuri Karpov (to whom Curtis was a chauffeur, for his pudgy twin sons, another coincidence), they manage to escape once more in a larger aircraft, in a stretch of film redundancy I hadn't witnessed since the underwater sequence in The Phantom Menace. You know all this from the trailers already, and I won't spoil anything else.

Because who cares about the fucking story? Or the drama? What we want to see in this film is DEATH and DESTRUCTION. And though a lot of people die (probably 99% of the world's population), we see very little of it, aside from CG ragdolls being knocked into chasms in the Earth or implied death from flooding as characters watch the waves come (which has zero impact, since we've seen it already many times). The destruction can be impressive, the CG artists certainly spent long hours on this film and the scene of California getting it, though nothing new, is a wonder that brought tears to my eyes and popcorn into my stomach. No offense, Californians, but everything is your fault. So if your state gets destroyed here or there...well, it gives me a little joy. I am more or less kidding. Anyway, we do see some peripheral destruction (Italy, India, Hawaii) but not nearly what I was hoping for. Perhaps the most beautiful scene in the film is where Harrelson stands atop a ridge in Yellowstone as it blows up, though here the science comes into question, since Yellowstone's supervolcano erupting would probably coat most of the atmosphere in ash and prevent the rest of the movie from appearing as it does...

But alas, noone expects a science lesson from an idiot like myself, nor for a Hollywood blockbuster. This is Roland Emmerich, who himself gave us The Day After Tomorrow, 10K BC, Universal Soldier and the mostly awful Godzilla remake. He has only one good movie to his credit, Stargate, and a lot of people even hate that one. So what did we expect? Not much. And this is what we got. Nearly 2 1/2 hours of nothing except cliches, far too staged touching moments of family and bonding, all wrapped up in CG destruction. About the only positives I can grant the movie are that it's long length is not really a flaw...the film moves along at a good pace and the dramatic, predictable flourishes are kept brief. Also that the effects crew did some nice detailing, there are some scenes where skyscrapers are falling and you can see so many objects inside them, it must have taken some time to sculpt. As for the acting? Well, Harrelson is fun, and it's good to see a few genre greats (Billingsley, McHattie, etc), but the rest are really just here for a paycheck. I hope it was worth it, Mayans.

Verdict: Fail [4/10] (Camping sucks! And so does this movie!)

http://www.whowillsurvive2012.com/

Who will survive? Let me guess, the principle actors in the film and the beautiful women of their lives and their beautiful children and fuck everyone else!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Cate Blanchette is so hot.
She can speak Russian to me any time.
While I touch myself in the dark.

The kid studying in the library, to whom Indy delivers the one liner after crashing his motorcycle, should be the next Indiana Jones.

Wouldn't that make a lot of sense?

But alas, sometimes, even some random jerk on the internet in the throes of nerd rage...is smarter than George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.

Fun fact: If the next Indiana Jones film passes the fedora to Tarzan 'Himself' LeBeouf, I may just abandon civilization for a land of killer red ants and strange tribal men who hang around in ancient temples all day camouflaged within the walls, waiting for infamous archaeologists and bad kid actors to ambush. But what happens if I want a cigarette? Or to scratch an itch?

Talk Russian to me, Cate.
Talk Russian to me.

Verdict: Fail [3.5/10] (Aliens from another fucking dimension? It should have been ATLANTIS, you hacks! Was that just too obvious? No, let's go with aliens, guys, it's a wrap. WASTE OF CATE.)

District 9 (2009)

Recent years have seen quite the horrific drought in decent science fiction films. In an age where the rape of childhood IP's like the big screen adaptation tripe of Transformers and G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra (okay, okay, they both always sucked) top the box office, my assumption is that genre fans, both core and peripheral moviegoers have simply given up on quality, content to feed their complacency with a large popcorn and coo coo the abundance of soulless, computer animated special effects. EXPWOSIONS FTW!

From what I read of its origins, and saw through the trailer and viral marketing, District 9 promised something a little different. Perhaps a more visceral Alien Nation. Or perhaps another abortion of a documentary-style sci-fi flick like Cloverfield. I wound up impressed with many of the elements and decisions made for this film, but overall I was somewhat underwhelmed.

*SPOILER DISTRICT*

The film is essentially a fleshed out feature length modification of Blomkamp's Alive in Joburg short from a few years back. Alien refugees (I assume) have found their way into Earth's atmosphere, over Johannesburg, and have been kenneled off into a slum for both their own protection and that of humanity. The first 15 or so minutes of the film are told through a series of newsclips and interviews that hustle us into the story of Wikus Van De Merwe, an employee of MNU (Multi-National United, the 'evil corporation of the story'...insert eyerolls here) who becomes an important figure when something goes wrong during an attempt to evict the aliens to a new campsite.

The aliens, referred to as 'prawn' for their dirty habits of 'bottom feeding' and collecting garbage and food (they look like a hybrid of upright locust and squid), are interesting. They speak like droids in Star Wars, they eat rubber and cats' food, and have very little sense for personal property (putting them at odds with humanity). They are both vulnerable and dangerous, susceptible to anything that kills a human, but their chitinous limbs can detach a person's arm or head easily enough. The 'prawn' have been designed well, with fluid, consistent animation and plenty of character.

Unfortunately, the documentary-style newsreel tone to the film is soon abandoned in favor of a fairly by-the-numbers sci-fi action film. There is a lot of gun porn here, it seems Neill Blomkamp and Peter Jackson's involvement in the Halo franchise has translated into all manner of alien weaponry you'd find in the latest FPS. The violence is visceral and power packed, lots of exploding peoples, and they saw fit to throw in some fan service to all the mech fans in the audience, with a powered armor suit that puts all of Michael Bay's nonsense to shame. The film moves quickly and the charisma of its lead Sharlto Copley was enough to keep me entertained until the finale, but I can't help but feel disappointed by what this COULD have been: a full fledged science fiction mockumentary with impressive special effects that fully immerse the viewer.

As soon as the film transformed into The Fugitive with aliens, I found myself mindlessly awaiting the next big explosion and not caring about the characters. The film has numerous McGuffins and science fiction cliches which probably could have been avoided. Tractors beams, miracle elixirs that can both power up a starship and transform DNA, and the aforementioned gun porn do little to advance the story of social alien interaction and the broader rammifications on the population of Earth to know we are not alone in the universe. Seriously...this could have been much more than 'evil corporation wants to experiment and steal bio-technology to change the course of warfare for the highest bidder'. We've seen this plot a thousand fucking times. Even the Alien films had this plot when you think about Bishop, etc. The evil soulless corporations are getting a little tired. It's a shame District 9 had to go there.

Despite my disappointment at taking the easy way out, there are still numerous positive qualities to District 9 that should be noted. Though the placement of the story draws an obvious parallel to apartheid, it's never shoved down your throat. There are villains of all colors in this film. In addition to the generic 'blah blah' evil white men with shaved heads, you have the Nigerian vodoun criminals who think they can devour the aliens to gain their powers. Even the aliens themselves seems shady as they keep numerous facts from the humans (one of which, had they brought it up earlier, might have spared all the conflict and had them sent packing a decade or so before the events of the film). The special effects here were simply amazing, I never felt they went overboard or became so blurred that I couldn't follow the action on screen. The alien mothership was ominous and incredible, the alien weaponry (though very video game) was fulfilling when discharged, the score was passable, and the sound effects bombastic. Blomkamp was wise to use a South African cast for the film, it lent an authenticity that would have been immediately lost through the use of big name Hollywood stars.

District 9 was an enjoyable film for a single serving, but it's not one I will return to, as there is nothing interesting enough for me to want to see again. The mech suit was slick, but not much fun against stupid mercenaries who employ standard ordnance and motor vehicles instead of running in the face of obviously superior firepower (which they would have done in any realistic situation, and since this film's strength was its realistic take on the alien quarantine...yeah, what the hell). Though older, dated and often a bit cheesy, Alien Nation had a stronger storyline and offered a better glimpse into the cohabitation of humans and alien refugees. Still, this film was one of the best of its genre to release in some time. I hope Blomkamp's competence and special effects can be applied to a more interesting story in the future.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

http://www.d-9.com/

Babylon A.D. (2008)

It's a shame that pretty much every near-future/cyberpunk film to come out in the past decade (with the exceptions of the Matrix and Children of Men) has failed to cross the radar, but if convoluted tripe like Babylon A.D. keeps getting the green light, the genre could be dead for a long time coming. There are a few scenes in which I tried to like this film, the latest from actor/director Mathieu Kassovitz, but inevitably it fails with a nonsensical plot and a wealth of hack attempts at being 'cool' or 'badass'. Previous to this, the guy directed Gothika...so, yeah, expect nothing. Supposedly a large chunk of the film was cut for its US release, and the director himself is not happy with it.

Vin Diesel stars as Toorop, a US expatriate and mercenary who is hired to ferry a beautiful girl named Aurora (played by Mélanie Thierry) and her kung-fu wielding nanny Sister Rebeka (played by Michelle Yeoh) to New York City for reasons unclear to him. Toorop is essentially a composite of Diesel's other action characters Riddick and Xander Cage, though he attempts to channel a little more emotion here. Yeoh is playing the same character she plays in every American film, and Thierry has little more to do than puff her lips and look pretty, and serve as a moral counterweight to the rather barbaric future world of the film. Gérard Depardieu, Charlotte Rampling and Lambert Wilson (all good actors) all have roles as the antagonists of the film, but their characters are given no chance to shine. The film also features a large variety of stereotypical images from other cyberpunk films (Bladerunner and Minority Report among others), and carries the same stench as other Dicksian misses like Impostor.

Spoilers ahead. If you care.

The plot pretty much sucks for this film, but we don't even need to get that far to know we're doomed. After a brief intro with Diesel's monologue and a few nice shots and effects, we cut to the credits, where Vin Diesel does his gangsta lean through the rabble streets of turbulent future Russia, while some fairly shitty rap plays (Rza worked on this). He runs up on some foo' who fucked him on a gun sale, and then he buys some chow from a poor street market woman. We're treated to a moment or two of good film here, a glimpse of a life and a world we may actually be interested to see more of. However, all hope of this is instantly diminished when a troop of mercenaries blows up the door and surrounds Toorop. Get ready for some swagger, folks, because if you didn't know already, Vin Diesel be a badass and he must be in every film! For joy!

Here lies the biggest problem with the film. What I like to call 'the edge factor'. Many of the action/fighting sequences are queued up here just like in every shitty Hollywood film. There's your club-rave scene with the techno blaring, and even a 'cage' match with Sepultura playing ("Dead Embryonic Cells", Quiet Riot is also found elsewhere). The fights just feel too staged, and the action is blurry and not nearly visceral enough. It also makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Why would you offer someone you don't necessarily like or trust 500k to transport a 'package' across a border, when you clearly have the vast resources to get it done easily yourself. If you've already got scores of mercenaries in the target area and enough wealth that you can fly suckas around in a 'company vehicle' by means of military grade helicopter with a giant magnet, why the fuck do you need to hire some dude to do the job for you? So much of the film reflects this futile, shoddy writing.

At any rate, we are treated to a few fights against some parkour wielding dudes (parkour is the new bullet-time) and then a snowmobile battle against unmanned drones in the Canadian wilds (en route to New York). In a truly xXx moment, Toorop manages to take out one of the fighter drones with a freaking snowmobile. There you have it, frat boys, money well spent on that ticket. Once the trio arrive safely at their hotel in NYC, it's a simple matter of the Noelites (religious sect who wants Aurora for the twin 'immaculate' conceptions within her womb...i.e. clones) and the Gorsky gang (who wear cool motorcycle masks and have micromissiles coded to your skin-passport). Now, once again, the bizarre logic of the story kicks in. The High Priestess of the Noelites hired Gorksy...to hire Toorop to bring the girl here. So...why are his men and the Noelites shooting at one another?

If I could sum up the 'climax' and the 'twist' in brief: during the city shootout, Aurora shoots Toorop so that a micromissile won't kill him, then the psycho-kinetic unborn twins within her womb shield her from the missile blast, she suddenly disappears, Toorop is resurrected by Aurora's father/creator, who kills Toorop again so that he can relive his memory of her lasts words to him, telling him to go to his family's old home in upstate New York to meet her. Yes, the movie is this bad! Toorop goes to the old house, finds Aurora, then gets pursued by Noelites in the (thankfully) last action bit of the film. Aurora dies in childbirth and then Toorop becomes the 'daddy' to her twins, both of different ethnicities (though I guess cloning can work that way, right?).

I just saved you 90 minutes of your lives, minus however long it took you to read this review. Please take the difference in minutes, multiple by $5, and cut me a check.

The two points I have awarded for this film are for the cinematography and special effects. The team did a great job here and it deserves credit at least for that. It looks quite amazing in high definition. A shame all that work was wasted on a trashy escort mission film. If by some miracle the 70 missing moments of the US version are released, and I actually watch this again in full, I may update this review. Not bloody likely. Way to go studio.

Verdict: Epic Fail [2/10]

http://www.babylonadmovie.com/

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)

SPOILERS AHEAD. Not that you should care.

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave is apparently the fifth film in a series that goes back to the mid-80s, although you couldn't tell from watching it. The title tells you two things: zombies, cheesiness. While the latter is there, it's not in the fashion of Shaun of the Dead, rather in a hamfisted manner that isn't funny or entertaining unless you happen to enjoy movies that are just genuinely bad. The story is this: two gangsters (could be Russian or Italian, their accents are so bad I couldn't tell) are searching for canisters of toxic zombie gloop, one of which falls into the hands of a college student who uses it to create a new drug. It turns the user into a zombie, of course, and you can see where things are going considering the movie is named after a rave.

The zombies all look really unimpressive, most of them with just facial makeup, and their shambles are unconvincing when they bother to even try. What's more is there are actually not that many in the film. Even during the big party where a drug that literally turns you into a zombie, there's just extras running around in the background and no horde to speak of. The one makeup job that is actually pretty good is an apparent holdover of the series, a single toxic zombie who feels tacked on, and never gets into any action. Literally. He's pointless in the movie, looking scary and yet used as a comic relief briefly and uneffectively.

The characters are cardboard cutouts, and after watching the entire movie last night I could not tell you their names. I even glanced through the cast on IMDB, and the only thing I recognized from the entire body of work was one girl's work on the Buffy spin off Angel. It definitely shows in their acting, and the editing doesn't do them any favors. Pauses between lines simply go on too long. There's no real pacing, the movie is simply stuck in first gear from the getgo. The wardrobe looks like stuff middle schoolers or high school freshmen would wear.

There are some half-decent zombie deaths, but as far as humans go, it's bad. They bite the skull directly nine times out of ten, and it looks more as if they're pulling red hair off the scalp than doing any damage. The movie has the occasional appearance of breasts to keep you awake, and wow, is it ever needed. One good thing about the movie is it looks decent, like a glossy studio comedy. However, whatever credit that might have gave it is pissed away in a part where there is strobing lights that will literally make your eyeballs hurt. I had to look away.

A look at the DVD case art would lead the inexperienced buyer to think that this movie is legitimate, which is unfortunate as it is a steaming pile of shit. I could go on and on about how bad this movie is, but I think I've already wasted enough of my time with this cash grab failure. Stay far away.

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]

http://www.returnofthelivingdead4and5.com/

Star Trek (2009)

Of all the intellectual properties you could hope to resuscitate, Star Trek has to be the toughest. After a faltering pair of films with the Next Generation cast and the gradual death of the TV franchise through the money whoring abuse of Rick Berman and Brannon Braga (aka the on/off Voyager and the abysmal Enterprise), our beloved science fiction continuum had been put out to pasture for a few years. Let's face it, Star Trek needed the vacation. And after seeing this fair but ultimately futile attempt, I wonder if it would have benefited from a little more time off...

SPOILERISM. Don't want any? Skip to the score.

Now, before I proceed, I get that the primary filmgoing audience of the early 21st century has shifted to a new generation of young turks who want lots of explosions, plot holes, sexy girls and gritty dialogue and basically Battlestar Galactica-remake-tinted emo everything. The new Star Trek features all of these things and the sleek (though shoddy) CGI design it's been forging for the past 20+ years. It also features some of the most hideous, overrused plot devices that have been destroying genre fiction for decades. Yes, Star Trek is no newcomer to the use of time travel, dozens of episodes and even previous films have dealt heavily with it. So why do we need to use it again, exactly!? Perhaps so we can provide a cameo/deus ex machina with Leonard Nimoy and pretty much eliminate any sense of investment one could possibly place in this script. The film operates with almost no rationale as it attempts to propel its ludicrous revenge plot along through action sequence after sequence.

So, a supernova (a universal event far beyond the control of most mortals...oh wait, apparently not in the super science of the 24th-25th century) blows earlier than expected, and this guy decides he's going to kill a score or more entire species who had NOTHING to do with it? Splendid. 'I don't like how they looked at me' would be a more compelling motive, but alas we have Eric Bana trying his best to craft a villain whose substance is no deeper than the ten minute tribal henna he and his crew wear to look totally BADASS. I suppose I can't blame him completely, it's not as if he was written even a shred of decent dialogue. He's essentially a composite of previous Star Trek film villains Soren (Generations), Shinzon (Nemesis), and Khan, driven by a fanaticism that will never redeem him. The Narada is a pretty badass looking ship for a mining/cargo vessel, but didn't we just have a frightening black enemy ship in the previous film (the Scimitar)?

On the other hand, the younger selves of the classic Enterprise crew do a pretty standout job. Zachary Quinto is a natural for Spock, both in facial structure and ability. I had hesitations about Chris Pine, but he proved himself more than worthy for that chair, without ever lapsing into Shattner caricature. As for Bones, he is in perhaps the best hands of the three. It's great to see Karl Urban in this type of role, the guy can obviously act far beyond the limited scope of his past action heroes and villains. He literally channels DeForest Kelley here. The supporting cast are decent. Sulu and Chekhov get some screen time and Uhura gets more than she's probably ever had. As for Scotty...well, I found it hard to separate Scotty from the Pegg of his other roles, but it didn't help that his character was thrown in essentially as an addendum to the other deux ex machina. Also noteworthy are the performances of Bruce Greenwood as Captain Pike and Ben Cross as Sarek. I could have done without the Winona Ryder and Tyler Perry cameos, but they were brief and inconsequential.

Another of the strong points to the film is Abrams' loyalty to the canon of Trek. There are droves of fanservice moments, from Sulu's fencing to Kirk's mountain climbing (all of which would manifest in the series and later films) to a fucking Captain Archer reference (ugh!). Red shirts look out. Kobayashi Maru confirmed. Also...Slusho. Yeah. The Enterprise itself looks pretty swank, though the interior is quite different than what we're used to from TOS (we all knew it would). It's also clear with this time travel/alternate timeline plot that Abrams has every intention of covering his ass with this film (and any future installments), and while I ultimately question the need for separate timelines or continuity, it's better than nothing. But this leads to much of the frustration I have in thinking back on the film:

Was this necessary at all? Just because we've rounded up some actors who have a dignity and loyalty to their forebears, and a director and writing staff with a good grasp of the lore, is this enough to force us through a pretty shabby script with a forgettable antagonist? I mean aside from the fan candy there is just nothing to grasp on to, certainly nothing that could take the place of classic Trek and the chemistry and performance of the original actors, which needed no fixing. After suffering through 4 seasons of Enterprise, did we need another prequel? Abrams probably could have taken Trek somewhere new...instead he took it somewhere we've already been. And if we have sequels with this cast, how well can we internally divorce the timelines? Many of us can probably separate the continuities, but why even bother with them? What about the normal Star Trek canon? Can't we do something with that?

Although my disappointment has only grown in the days since viewing the film, I don't want to come across as too hard on this movie. The cast was good. The director had good intentions. The action is meh. It's got plenty of those Hollywood narrow escapes, but Trek always has. The fan service is plentiful. The music is decent. There is little to no creativity. I could ramble endlessly about nit picks like what I consider the misuse of an Orion slave girl, or why you have warp drive yet don't know the gender of your unborn child (I'll concede that you could always choose NOT to know in advance). This is not such a bad version of Star Trek, and perhaps now that we've got the origin story out of the way, we're in for a decent sequel with a more interesting plot. I hope to hell an Abrams-helmed Star Trek II will NOT be a Wrath of Khan retread.

You knew the 'boldly go' speech was coming at some part of the film, Abrams chose the end of his film and, out of respect, the voice of Leonard Nimoy. So, assuming he's going to film another chapter, how about taking the content of those words to heart?

Verdict: Indifference [6.75/10] (but better than Cloverfield)

http://www.startrekmovie.com/

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

In yet another nail in Brendan Fraser's career coffin, he stars in this shoddy vehicle which DARES to take the name of the 1864 Jules Verne story. This is no remake, although it makes numerous references to the original. And if you thought The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor was wretched (and oh, it was wretched), you may be shocked to learn that he has starred in a film inferior to that within the same year!

About the only positive thing I can say for this story is that somewhere, the intent was innocent. This was a film about some geologists who discover that the Verne story is actually based in reality. Professor Lidenbrock really discovered this lost world within the bowels of the Earth, and his exploits were followed over a century later by a curious adventurer /scientist. When this explorer disappears, his brother (Fraser) and nephew (a yo-yo slinging brat played by Josh Hutcherson) discover through his notes that he was a Vernian. They fly out to Iceland, meet mountain guide/romantic interest plant Hannah (played by Anita Briem who looks lost through half the film), and set off in pursuit, getting themselves trapped and then narrowly escaping a series of too-close situations in true, lazy, uninspired Hollywood fashion.

Now, I LIKE the idea of Verne's story being real...and people finding this out through an adventure. That's where the sole point came from. This could have been a passable movie, especially for the kiddies. Fuck, it could have even been a more serious film. This Journey is neither. It's a consistent string of mediocre special effects, bad acting and situations which will have you increasingly rubbing your temples and asking yourself 'why'?

For starters, the characters move through the environments so quickly that we never get a chance to actually appreciate the wonder of this long lost world. As soon as they arrive, the next disaster awaits and they are shuffled along through improbable feats of ingenuity. They quickly dispatch carnivorous flora, giant flying fish and subterranean thunder lizards with nary a bead of sweat (hell they hardly appear to be sweating in 110+ degree cavern climate...) I can buy a lack of reality or proper physics when it comes to some stupendous action flick, but for fuck's sake: this could have been done with the SAME actors, edited better, given better dialogue, and used nearly the same set of events with a more realistic approach. And it would only have benefited.

You'll never once feel any real danger for any of the characters, since their situations rarely reflect reality. During a mine cart crash sequence, we are expected to believe Anita Briem's character can stand straight on a push cart while plummeting many miles per hour, and then jumping across to another cart! We are expected to believe a massive T-rex like beast exists in a barren dry cavern network with a bunch of skeletons. How many pounds of meat would such a creature need to survive? The writers and director (Eric Brevig's directing credits to date included episodes of Xena the Warrior Princess...) are in such a rush to hit you with a joyride of forgettable action sequences that not once do any of the stunts elicit any wonder or 'wow factor'.

I didn't catch this in its 3D incarnation, but I doubt that would make a difference. A flying fish leaping at you through the screen has nothing on Jaws. The acting couldn't be worse if delivered via telephone. During several scenes we get a close-up of Briem screaming in terror, so unconvincing that I almost broke down in pitious laughter. Fraser tries to appear vulnerable and "Rick" O'Connell at the same time, but it's another mediocre performance (his innocent swagger worked well in the first two Mummy films but he has since been unable to recapture it). We're a long way from School Ties, my friend.

I'd like to say there was a good score or super special effects to grant some salvation to this monstrosity, but such things do not exist for this film. The creatures look silly, the effects average at best. Even some of the green-screened backgrounds look rushed and terrible. A proper remake of the Jules Verne novel with a good budget and believable actors would be welcome, but it's a pity they couldn't have titled this Journey from the Center of My Rectum, because the smell is quite comparable. Will the insistence to dumb down entertainment for 'family' entertainment ever cease?

Verdict: Epic Fail [1/10] (Green shist, white shist, micro-guarded shist... )

http://www.journey3dmovie.com/

Crows ZERO (2007)

If ever there were a more versatile director than Takashi Miike, I have yet to discover him. Crows Zero is the latest of many glorious threads the Fates have spun in his favor, and one I shall not soon forget. Far superior to his other recent splash spaghetti Samurai film Sukiyaki Western: Django, I do hope this one receives some attention upon its US release late this month. It's not much like his better known horror or pure yazuka films, but then this has never stopped him before.

Based on the popular Crows shonen manga by Hiroshi Takahashi, the film tells the tale of two ambitious delinquents as they set out to conquer all of Suzuran, a school full of...well, you guessed it: punks and delinquents. If you've seen or read similar fare like Cromartie High School, you know the style. Lots of young toughs in their school uniforms, boasting whatever sensational hairstyles they can muster: greaser cuts, emo doos, the occasional shaved head...fuck, even ponytails like a pretty American Indian squaw. The film has more swagger delivered through its young cast than anything Ocean's Umpteen could ever strive to deliver. Shun Oguri is delightful as Genji Takiya, a local yakuza's son with something to prove to his father. Takayuki Yamada soars as the dangerous and fiery, yet somber and poverty-stricken heir apparent to the school throne. A large cast of supporting characters fleshes out this urban epic; a great many of the characters, despite their ultra masculine exteriors, also possess a depth and vulnerability. Dozens of memorable scenes will firmly entrench this film in your heart.

The film is also funny. Extremely funny, but in the subtle way that few non-Japanese films can deliver. Kind of the opposite of something like Cromartie which thrives on its gags. Essentially the plot is that whoever can fight his way to the top has 'conquered' Suzuran, and we witness the interplay between our two major contenders as they fist fight through the various alphabetized class ranks at the school. Along the way we meet other colorful characters, in particular the yakuza Ken Katagiri who takes a liking to young Genji and attempts to take him under wing. It's a wonderful film about manning up, redemption, and the human spirit. But most importantly it's about MASSIVE DELINQUENT FIST FIGHTS! At the most violent, graffiti-smothered campus this side of Hell.

Miike's direction is yet again unbelievable. The script is near perfect and the film even survives a few music video-like segments. The fight scenes are action-packed, bloody and glorious. It ends with a cliffhanger (Crows ZERO 2 releases later this month, also helmed by Miike) which could not have been more perfectly placed, in slick obedience to the film's internal continuity. Personally I can't wait for the sequel. If you're looking for an 'epic' film where you might least expect it, look no further, because Crows ZERO is stupendously awesome. Japan has its own Fight Club.

And look, I even managed to avoid spoilers this time...

Verdict: Epic Win [9.25/10] (take the top, Genji!)

http://www.cz2.jp/index.html

Titan A.E. (2000)

If you're wondering why more original science fiction properties aren't given the green light in this day and age, it's because of tripe like Titan A.E. and other turn of the century flops which have all but killed the general public's interest in the medium. More specifically, this film is an insult to good taste and certainly an insult to the incredible job it's CGI animators did on creating breathtaking space sequences.

The plot is pretty standard apocalyptic science fiction fare. An alien species known as the Drej have for some reason decided that humanity must be eradicated. So they descend upon Earth to blow it all to Hell. The humans have of course predicted this would happen and so many escape in a mass exodus on generational ships, including a mysterious vessel known as the Titan. Deus ex machina time! Protagonist Cale (who is voiced decently enough by Matt Damon) is given a genetically coded compass/key which can activate the Titan, which is in fact a genesis device capable of creating a new planet Earth within...you guessed it...minutes? Maybe an hour? The genesis ship reaches its location and then runs out of gas, so it's up to Cale to come along and re-ignite it all somehow, to reinstate the human species. Along the way he meets a traitorous human captain (voiced by Bill Pullman) and his alien crew, and happens to fall in love with the only other human his age he meets in the galaxy. The audience won't care, they must all be dumb, right? Wrong.

First off, we are NEVER given any explanation as to why the Drej hate humanity. Maybe they feel threatened. Who the fuck knows. Now...considering that the Drej are a SPECIES MADE OUT OF PURE ENERGY, why the hell would they be concerned with humans or the material races at all? This makes no sense. Secondly, if humans are capable at this point (in the 31st century) of creating a planet IN MINUTES, why are they not capable of technologies that can defend their planet? Thirdly, we are introduced to many other species in the film, all of which have technology of their own, so why do the Drej just leave them all be? How are they not a threat? This has to have one of the most idiotic, phoned in premises of any film I have ever seen. Did you seriously even think about this for 10 minutes before pitching it? And how did it pass edit? Was there no one with a grain of sense in their head working on this production who brought any of these relevant and painfully obvious observations to the director? I have a tendency to lower my expectations with films, since I know there will always be miraculous Hollywood style escapes and predictable plot twists, but the logic of this film is staggeringly stupid.

What makes this even more the tragedy is that this is a film whose universe has some great ideas and is beautifully illustrated. The main characters have a very motion based, expressive animation which you'd expect from director Don Bluth's video games (Dragon's Lair, Space Ace) and Ralph Bakshi-style animated films, but what really shines is the detailed computer animation of the ships and environments. There are some beautiful interstellar locales in this film, like the void of colliding, monolithic ice masses which mask the location of the Titan (there is a far-fetched chase scene through the area). Or the ship racing along a gaseous nebula as it tows mysterious 'wake angels' entities, which is essentially like swimming with the dolphins. I also really enjoyed the vulture-like alien species' homeworld with its natural exploding gaseous bulblike plants. This is all quite psychedelic and wondrous and deserved a lot better treatment than the shitty plot upon which it is wasted.

In addition to Damon and Pullman, you'll hear many familiar voices here: John Leguizamo, Ron Perlman, Nathan Lane, Drew Barrymore and Janeane Garofalo are all here, even Tone Loc in a short role as the alien Tek (HAHAHAAHAHA). The voice acting and Grame Revell original score are passable, but the selection of modern rock tracks is another truly frustrating element of the film. At certain 'pivotal' scenes involving the main characters, awful pop rock tracks from mediocre artists suddenly appear as if they are going to somehow afford the film some hipness or perhaps help teen viewers relate. This placement is almost as bad as the script writing.

This film is best avoided unless you have access to some of the space scenes which are quite beautiful. Had the obvious talent of its production team and animation studio been used on a half-decent science fiction script, we could have had a cult classic on our hands. As it stands, Titan A.E. is a hideous disappointment which could please only the least demanding, incompetent media suck puppets on Earth. Kill it. Kill it with fire.

Verdict: Fail [3/10] (points for art direction and CGI sequences only)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120913/

Death Sentence (2007)

This review contains spoilers throughout. If you don't want to see them, skip directly to the rating and have a nice day.

Death Sentence is a 2007 revenge film from director James Wan (he directed the original Saw and was executive producer for the rest of the series). The film stars Kevin Bacon as a grieving father who decides to ignore the US justice system and mete vigilante justice upon a hoodlum who slew his hockey star son at a gas station. This killing was part of an initiation ceremony into a gang of thugs and drug dealers. The conflict quickly escalates out of control and this is essentially the entire plot of the film (and of just about any revenge film).

Had this been labeled a 'comedy', it would have been well worth price of admission and a popcorn. Had it just been some over the top, exploitation revenge film, it still might have been worth the time. Unfortunately, like so many films of its ilk, Death Sentence takes itself seriously. And this is ultimately the film's downfall.

Bacon himself is capable of a wide range of emotions and acting chops. He does a decent job as the main Nick Hume, and the rest of the cast isn't so shabby either. John Goodman takes a turn as 'Bones Darley', a fat bastard gun dealer who is also the father of the film's primary antagonist. Garret Hedlund plays a rather generic thug, Billie Darley. Really, the faults of the film can't be forced upon any of the actors, they tried to make due with a quite terrible script.

The first gripe I have is the gang...a bunch of hoodlums with generic tribal tattoos dealing drugs, having multiple bases of operation, and 'initiating' their young members by having them perform a random killing? Now I believe in violence, gangs, and even hazing, but this is just too stupid to believe within the confines of the film. Could you possibly have painted us a less interesting band of villain? You've got the typical shaved heads and tattoos, a PC assortment of crew members, and of course they drive around in totally hot muscle cars. How the FUCK did these people, in the universe of this film, ever get away with anything? They could not POSSIBLY be more obvious.

But wait...I'LL ANSWER THAT. They get away with killing, dealing and wheeling because the cops in this film are one of the biggest collections of incompetents I have ever witnessed. Aisha Tyler as Detective Wallis is sure to show up and scold Hume for his vigilante actions, and then threaten him, but she is absolutely ineffectual, as are the rest of the police force. Hume just goes along on his merry way to the next phase of his revenge. Detective Wallis is pathetic. The rest of the cops are pathetic. It is painfully evident that the Darley gang is a major force to contend with because of statements Wallis makes, so when they need to protect Hume's home, knowing full well the gang is going to show up, why do they just leave two sleepy cops outside who are easily dispatched? And after the fucking cops are killed, why is the rest of the force not out on a manhunt to destroy this gang? It's like the police department completely ignores the death of their own. Not bloody likely!

Were this pure exploitation, these gripes would not matter much, and would even be expected. But the film attempts to make itself a realistic drama. The family's emotions seem spot on throughout this crisis, in particular Bacon as he descends into his blood debt madness. The best sequence of the film features Bacon, with an incompletely shaved head and a bag full of firearms, engage in the gory and penultimate shootout with the Darley gang. There is no holding back, gangstas are dealt fulfilling, gaping wounds by a variety of hardware. As Hume and Billie Darley sit on a pew, you get a nice little interchange of words. If I could have watched these 10-15 minutes of the film and skipped the rest, my opinion might have been different. There is also a nice continous shot during a multi-story parking garage battle.

There is very little to recommend here. Considering the heights the revenge film has gone to in its colorful past (from the dialogue driven exploits of Kill Bill to the morbid Oldboy or the grim western Unforgiven), you expect new movies of this style to try and one-up their predecessors. Death Sentence is no Death Wish, even if they shared the same writer.

Verdict: Fail [4/10]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0804461/